Apparently CNN—a sucky, biased, boring, news channel which is only watched in airports and doctor’s waiting rooms—has a website with blogs on it! Of course, their blogs are of the same high quality that we’ve come to expect from CNN on TV.
Recently I was able to participate in a Twitter fight with one of CNN’s professional bloggers, though I hesitate to use the word fight to describe it, as it was really more like some drunken Norwegians brutally clubbing a baby seal. Most of my regular readers aren’t on Twitter, and the ones on Facebook just got snippits as the day went on. So this blog post is here by popular demand. Because I care.
I’m Twitter friends with Nick Searcy and Adam Baldwin. Both of these guys are great actors, and some of the few out of the closet conservatives in Hollywood. Because they are famous, active on the internet, and go against accepted group think they get attacked by caring liberals all day. Adam debates with them and Nick just makes fun of them.
I found this CNN blogger through one of these guys, but can’t remember which one now. His writing is your usual smug lib nonsense. Guns are bad, m’kay. Why are you guys such hatey hate mongers? Republicans don’t believe in science and hate all the binders full of womens. That sort of thing. I’m always looking for dumb articles to fisk, and this one from last week in particular had entertainment potential.
The CNN bloggers name was Dead Obeidalla and the article was titled Is Rush Limbaugh Still Relevant?
But because I have to write books for a living, I didn’t get a chance to fisk it. The hilarious part was later that day the President of the United States of America complained about the terrible influence of Rush Limbaugh. So, gonna go out on a limb and say yes. Still relevant.
Nick was laughing at the CNN blogger, who was all butt hurt and smug (and moving right down the Liberal Arguing Checklist “well, you’re not a *real* actor! You sound angry!) Since I’m not a *real* author to liberals, I take special joy in my solidarity on that one. It had been going on for a long time before I tweeted that it was kind of ironic that CNN would be asking all 15 of their readers if something was relevant.
(I yanked the weird formatting and all of the names that were tagged in these)
Correia: Blogs about pet grooming get better traffic, and they don’t even have a James Earl Jones voice over.
Dumbass CNN Blogger: Great point – very well written and insightful. Thank you for taking the time.
Correia: What did you expect in 140 characters? (well, we could fit in most of your reader’s names I suppose)
Nick Searcy: Actually @monsterhunter45 our mentioning @thedeansreport might generate the most traffic he’s ever experienced.
Correia: The day @thedeansreport fought with @yesnicksearcy was the most important day of his life… To Nick, it was Tuesday.
Dumbass CNN Blogger: Yes it was – a day I will always treasure. I circled it on my calendar and its in my time capsule.
Correia: Is the other day circled on that calendar when RuPaul’s Drag Queen beat Piers Morgan in the ratings?
Correia: One show is make believe where a man shows his pretty pink panties. The other is about RuPaul.
For the record, all references to Pretty Pink Panties is due to Nick’s mission of getting liberals so angry on the internet that they show the world their panties. And if you’re not watching Acting School, you are wrong.
So that was the first time I ran into Dean Obeidalla online. (and I even got to quote Street Fighter The Movie!) He’s supposed to be a comedian, but in his writing he comes across as your typical, self righteous, smug, humorless lefty. He tries to talk smack, gets beat up, gets all surprised when conservatives don’t roll over to have their belly’s scratched like a good little John McCain. Once he starts getting beat on then he tries this weird self-depreciation turtle tactic that almost makes you feel sorry for him.
But sadly, I was born incapable of feeling mercy for dumbasses.
So fast forward a week and we get his new article… All about how Twitter is just like Fight Club! (no. I shit you not!)
He makes a valid point. There are racist assholes on the internet. Shocking. I love how these people are a huge problem when they don’t like liberals, but when they’re telling me that I’m stealing all the white women or that they’re going to shoot me in the face because I support the 2nd Amendment, then that’s just caring liberals exercising their rights to free speech. Nick has never said anything even vaguely racist and has an adopted black son, but he still gets called racist every day on Twitter because he thinks Obama sucks.
So conservatives are used to Fight Club. The difference is, we know how to take a punch.
And the ironic thing is I’ve now been reading this guy’s Twitter feed for a while, and his definition of hate seems to be “Oh, no, these conservatives don’t like when I say that they are all stupid hate monger racists! And some of them call me on my bullshit! HATE! HATE! HATEY-HATE-HAAAAAAAAATE!” As a guy who gets death threats from caring liberals every time I write a political blog post. I find that hilarious. (and I share all my best hate mail with you guys, because I care so hard)
Now writing an article like that is sort of like chumming the water for sharks, Adam Baldwin posted the link, and this time around I got to spend some quality time with Dean. These went all day in so many different threads, with so many being posted simultaneously that I’ve probably got them out of order, and I’ve surely left out some really funny ones from other posters. These are only the ones I was tagged in to follow, because twenty other conservatives were also taking turns on the Dean Piñata (Deanata?) at the same time.
As you read this, you may start to think that we were being too mean… A lopsided beating will tend to have that effect on the tender hearted. Whenever you begin to experience that feeling I want you go to back and read some of Dean’s blog posts, ranging from such brilliant topics as Barack Obama, Dreamy or Just Super Awesome? Or Why Do All The Stupid Conservatives Not Believe in Dinosaurs?
To keep things orderly, I helpfully added the names (and titles) of who was speaking in bold. Because I care.
Nick: Dean’s blog post “After I Call People Racist On Twitter, Then They Should Shut Up” is poignant.
Correia: It is just like Fight Club, except no punching, and Dean is a wuss.
Correia: If this is fight club what a sheltered pansy life he has led.
Dean the pansy CNN Blogger: U need to write better tweets if u really want me to respond
Correia: U need to write more blogs so we can continue to club u like a baby seal.
Dean: I’ve been writing for CNN weekly for 2 years Where have u been?!
Correia: I’ve been a NYT bestselling novelist sleeping on a big pile of money.
Random Crazy CNN fan on Twitter: – insert a whole bunch of random bullshit posts about Nazis are the NRA, and some links to google images to pictures of confederate flags, and then some rambling craziness about evil gun owners that is barely understandable as English. All wrapped up with threats about how FEMA should round us up and put us in camps… You know. The usual.
Nick: Nothing damns @deanofcomedy more than the drooling idiocy of his 2 or 3 fans.
Nick: Hey, @monsterhunter45 don’t all hilarious “comedians” tout writing a blog for CNN as their #1?
Dean who makes minimum wage to the guy second billed on Justified: I hope to 1 day be a glorified extra like u on a basic cable show
Hermit Wizard: @deanofcomedy, you could become one of @yesnicksearcy’s bitches. More respectable than CNN.
Bitches is a reference to Nick Searcy’s Acting School. Just go to Youtube and watch them. Good stuff.
Correia: Whoring is more respectable than CNN… Wait… Never mind.
Dean, with delusions of his importance: can’t u guys get Michelle Malkin to join this?
Correia: I wonder what “CNN blogger” pays? Points on his Subway card?
Kurt Schlicter: Fun Fact! I lose more money responding to a @deanofcomedy tweet than he makes writing a CNN column.
Correia: If Dean writes two more blog posts he can get a foot long teriyaki chicken!
Dean, trying the Battered Trailer Park Wife Defense: Actually I have to write 3 more if I want to afford cheese on it
Correia: While you are there you should fill out an application and get some gainful employment.
Dean who is very proud of his participant ribbons from T-ball: My article just came out on CNN Espanol – maybe I can afford cheese
Correia: I’ve book deals in German, French, and Chinese. Please, continue to wow us with your fame.
Dean who thinks he’s clever: That’s impressive – Im going to Google u later so I will know how famous u are
Correia: CNN’s new slogan: “Hold on. Let us Google that.”
Nick: It is amazing how unfunny @deanofcomedy is when he tries to add to the joke and act like he’s in on it.
Correia: it is the “perhaps if we’re nice they’ll go away” defense. Sort of like Obama’s foreign policy.
Ace of Spades: Who told him he was funny, and what could cause that level of *hatred*?
Dean who has grown delusional: Nick – as long as ur laughing – at me or with me – I’m doing my job as a comedian
Correia: Man, you really suck at your job!
Correia: You are to comedy what Nickelback is to music. Kind of sad, because they try so hard.
Dean who is sad that nobody loves him: I love Nickelback – that is a really cheap shot. They are the soundtrack of my life.
Nick: That’s why he’s killing them on the CNN blog, and not on a basic cable, or any, show
Correia: Judging by CNN’s ratings, he’s better off on the blog.
Dean who mistakenly thinks we give a shit: that’s actually true. CNN com is top news website beating even Fox. But no in TV ratings
Correia: So you are bragging that your TV channel sucks on TV, but has a nice website…
Dean demonstrating “comedy”: Im much better when ur drunk
Correia: I don’t know if there is booze sufficient. I’d have to huff paint to suffer through CNN.
Jeff: Isn’t @deanofcomedy the guy who tried to make a name on Limbaugh’s back last week?
Dean’s hurt feelings: Yes and it worked out great. I’m hugely famous now #idiot
Correia: He said TRIED. But since you suck at writing, it didn’t stick.
Laura: Can’t stop laughing! Priceless! You should have talk show on #CNN
Correia: CNN better have their checkbook ready. Or Subway card for Dean.
Dean, whose crying pillow smells of lilacs and shame: Looks like I really pissed off Nick w/ glorified extra comment on basic cable
Correia; Nick’s pool cleaner makes more than you do at CNN. Surely he is heartbroken.
Dean, grasping at straws: Nick has a pool? I didn’t realize they had those at the nursing home
Ace of Spades: Wow. You’re really, really frighteningly untalented and unsuited for this work.
Correia: For CNN? Naw. All you have to do is insinuate racism and you’re good to go.
Nick: He doesn’t have work.
Dean, who is Occupying Some Street: This is so much more fun than having a job – I think we can all agree on that
Correia: Why? Nick, Kurt, and I have jobs. I’m collecting royalties while I make fun of you.
Sean: All the H8 on Twtr. WE SHOULD BE SUPPORTING THIS! The bullying, I mean.
Dean, demonstrating the definition of the word Oblivious: Funny – but actually they fight with me to see if they can match wits and #fail
Correia: You have a very odd definition of “match wits”.
Ace of Spades HQ: If you’ve got anything beyond 2nd grader rubber/glue jokes, we’re all waiting.
Dean, demonstrating his university education: u truly are the human version of #epicfail
Jay: Easy there waterwings. Mommy left the inhaler in the minivan.
Correia: I kind of pity @deanofcomedy now. He doesn’t even realize how dumb he looks. Sad.
Jay: I want to know how his waterwings fit under his academic gown.
Meanwhile one of my fans, a 16 year old by the name of Donovan posted to this mess. By the end, Dean of Comedy, CNN Wonder Blogger, was reduced to making fun of a teenager’s choices in music. It was sort of like watching a slow motion train wreck.
Donovan: I have to thank @monsterhunter45 and @deanofcomedy for this after-school battle of writers. Just one makes books and not blog news.
Correia: Heh… I bet my blog gets more hits too.
Sean: No bet.
Donovan: Wait. Dean can make Twitter rainbows and unicorns?
Donovan: Dean, I’m only 16 and even I can tell the IQ of CNN which is equal to ants.
Dean, whose only role in Fight Club would be the punching bag: that tweet didn’t even make sense. Pls take a moment, collect urself + try again
Donovan: Wait. Do you need me to repeat the same thing seven times like CNN?
Correia: Well, you get slapped around by writers and actors, might as well go after a kid.
Dean, under delusions of competence: I treat all who fight me equally be they Men, Women, kids, or right wing idiots
Correia: You treat all equally, by asking them if they would like fries with that?
Dean, who probably wears skinny jeans: Cmon Larry ur better than that-Take a moment and try again. Thanks.
Correia: Says the guy doing lame ass old folks home jokes.
Dean, turning his considerable CNN debating skills against somebody who just got their driver’s license: Isn’t there a Taylor Swift listening party u should be at?
Donovan: I listen to metal and rock.
Dean, channeling Woodward and Bernstein: Sure u do.
Donovan: Proof? Hey – (flags a bunch of friends from the mosh pit, so now Dean is being insulted by an entire high school worth of kids listening to Slayer)
Correia: Making a 16 yr old prove what bands he listens to. That’s the hard hitting journalism we expect from CNN.
Dean the Concern Troll: Im worried about u now – those bands look scary- go back to One Direction music.
Donovan: If this is comedy, I’ve seen funnier things in Twilight.
Dean… okay, I got nothing: And ur a Twilight fan as well?! Best of luck with puberty
Donovan: So? At least I can admit it. Anyone else just think Dean’s a pedophile now?
Dean who was just outmaneuvered by a teenager: Sorry u will have to leave now-come back when ur acne clears up. Deal?
Correia: And this is what you’ve been reduced to @deanofcomedy? You sad, pathetic little man. Welcome to Slap Fight club.
Donovan then had a bunch of hot girls show up and fall at his feet like an Axe Shower Jell commercial.
So there you go folks, one Twitter clubbing compiled for your amusement. I for one can’t wait for Dean of Comedy’s next hard-hitting CNN blog post titled How to Remove a Boot from your Ass.