How to get Correia nominated for a Hugo PART 3: Won’t somebody please think of the children?

So there are only nine days left to buy a supporting membership which will allow you to nominate for the Hugo Awards. It really doesn’t take that many votes to get nominated, and if Monster Hunter Legion were to become a Hugo finalist, elitist literary snobs around the world would have a complete come apart that something which was unabashed pulp, had an actual plot, had characters who actually did stuff, and wasn’t heavy handed message fiction dared tread into their sacred halls.

First I appealed to every reasonable person’s desire to make literati heads explode:

Last time I went nuclear, with sad puppies:

So what do I do now? It is pretty hard to beat sad puppies.

First, I thought about surrounding myself with children as I announced my controversial new policy. That way I could insinuate that anybody who disagreed with me would only do so if they hated children. But then I said to myself, what kind of horrible demagogue would do something as shallow and manipulative like that? I mean, you’d have to be a huge narcisist. You’d only do that if you had no actual substance, and your only hope was to appeal to emotion…


Yeah… Okay. Never mind…

So if the photo op of me surrounded by a rainbow coalition of children pleading for equal rights for pulp novelists, with their big sad eyes is out, then why not their letters? I mean, seriously, if the President of the United States can base national policy on letters from little kids, then why can’t I appeal for nominations that way?

Dear Correia,

My daddy has a subscription to Locus. How come they never ever review your books? How come the only time any Baen books appear in Locus is when they are dominating the Locus bestseller list?

Timmy, (yes, I walk with a crutch) Age 10. Somnambulant, Iowa

First off, congratulations on using the word dominating. That’s pretty badass for a ten year old.

Well, Timmy, to answer your question, that’s because Locus, which has won the semi-prozine Hugo like 72 times, is totally unbiased and only reviews “good” books. Just because my books are really popular and have entertained a lot of people, doesn’t mean they are “good”.  (nor apparently does great sales, winning other awards, getting getting translated into foreign languages where you then get nominated for foreign awards, being one of the consistent top selling audio books for a couple years in a row and winning the biggest award available in that media, or other forms of success).

You know, on that thought, it would be great if all the folks nominating me were also to nominate  another book review site in that reviewer category, who are at least honest about their biases, like say Elitist Book Reviews.

Dear Correia,

School keeps making me read boring novels. Nobody ever does anything, but they sit around and talk about doing stuff, and then nothing happens, and then everybody dies, and then we have to talk about how it makes us feel for a month, and then write a report. Why are books stupid? 

Mary Sue, Age 14, Sheeple, Ohio

Well, Mary Sue, that’s because the literati who proclaim which books are good don’t care if people actually like reading. They only care if the book is PROFOUND (as in, really really hard to understand, and open to interpretation).  If you actually enjoy the book, then obviously the author is writing pulp crap for the masses, and should be spit on and hit with sticks. They will not be happy until everybody gives up reading entirely, because then they will definately be the smartest people in the room.

Dear Correia,

My Dad says that snobs suck and are lame and he hates them. He says that the awards are just a popularity contest. He says that they even put the Dr. Who TV show and the Game of Thrones TV show into two different categories so that both their favorites could win and nobody would get their feelings hurt. That seems lame. I like ninjas. Can I have more Legos?

Deadpool Hulk Wolverine Samurai Jedi Face Punch, Age 8, Yard Moose Mountain, Utah

Okay, son. Get off the computer.

Those are some sad children. The only way to cheer them up is for you to go and buy a supporting membership to LosCon and nominate an unabashed work of dragon-helicopter chasing, Las Vegas blowing up, orc sacrificing chickens, pulp. Not only can you nominate me, you can nominate your favorite sci-fi/fantasy works from a bunch of different categories (I think five in each category!) and STICK IT TO THE MAN.

Plus, in prior years all of the voters have received big packets of eBooks, and all the shorts, novelletes, novellas, Campbell novels, comic books, and more so they can be informed voters. So you get more than your entry fee back in reading material, some of which is actually good!  You will need to register before the end of the month:

There you have it folks. I need to get Monster Hunter Legion nominated, for the children.

EDIT: Because Jack Gamble loves himself some Photoshop. 🙂

Think of the Children

The Drowning Empire, Episode 4: First Entry of Akodo Toranaka
Art from the story I wrote for Privateer Press

41 thoughts on “How to get Correia nominated for a Hugo PART 3: Won’t somebody please think of the children?”

  1. Dammit if we can’t get you a Hugo in freaking TEXAS we are undeserving of the name FANBOI. Get on it, people!

    By the way, speaking of books, I want to comp you a review copy. Got an e-mail to spare?

    1. Lets exchange the stick for some cacti. Yes you too can know what if feels like to have hemrhoids for the piddling cost of $2000. For $2000 I personally will come to your home, place of business, or hospital/eldercare facility and shove a cactus up your tightwad pretentious ass. Is this not the deal of the century? BTW I expect you to nominate me for a Nobel Prize for my service to humanity. 😛

  2. Come on, folks… It’s For The Children. *snort* Love your flare for somewhat heavy-handed (just in case there are a few oblivious Liberals reading, don’t you know – don’t want them to miss the point) satire. :c)

  3. Got Hugo PINs today for myself and my wife. Will you be publishing a voter guide of other cool stuff to vote for in addition to MHI?

    Also, I didn’t see your name on the Worldcon membership list. Are authors not allowed to join and vote for themselves? Hope you can make it down to San Antonio, I plan on upgrading my membership and making the trip down there. Getting some books signed and meeting some of my favorite authors would be great!

    1. I will later. For January I’m just trying to get some folks signed up. Me and my wife are going to join up before the end of the month. I’m still trying to figure out my 2013 tour schedule to see if I’m going to upgrade to attend later.

      1. Hope you can make it. The convention center is right by the Alamo, we can’t let it be overrun with a bunch of effete literati snobs! If we do, Davy Crockett, Jim Bowie, and William Travis might start haunting the place out of sheer disgust.

        L. Neil Smith said he was thinking of making the trip too. His books are probably the major reason why I bought my first gun. It would be awesome to get my old copy of The Probability Broach signed.

  4. I have boy #4 due in March. Is “Deadpool Hulk Wolverine Samurai Jedi Face Punch” trademarked? Because I think I’m about to settle the naming controversy with my wife.

    BTdubs, I’m paid up and have you nominated in my top spot for Monster Hunter: Legion. Giddyup.

  5. ‘Orc sacrificing chickens’? I don’t remember THAT in the book… Although it would have to be a pretty tough chicken that could sacrifice an Orc, so it might work… 😉

    1. Okay, why haven’t they sent me my PIN yet? I’m guessing they just don’t want me to cast a vote against some stoned freedom fighters locked in an epic struggle against a multinational corporation that makes its profits selling drugs made of ground up puppies and kittens.

  6. Larry, I signed up for the military discount and plan on attending. Hope you make it down to beautiful San Antonio where you can’t swing a dead cat (live ones tend to register a complaint vociferously if you try it with them) without hitting a fantastic restaurant. We are the 2nd fattest city in the US (just behind New Orleans), but we’re trying, dammit!

    1. Hah, Obama’s checked off a box that James Watt (who, in his defense did have “a cripple”) never did — unless you count Watt himself, which would be fair enough. For the young folks, that would be former Secretary of the Interior Watt, not the steam-engine dude who pops up on Wikipedia.

      Regarding the challenged fella on the left, as a physician friend once noted, “At some point you’ve got to accept it’s no longer ‘developmental’ delay’ and come to terms with the fact that he’s not going to get smarter.”

  7. the 2nd pic calls for a caption;

    today president correia signed into law the disposition of siezed assets from hoplophobe organizations act,this new laws establishes a fund to pay the tuition of low income youths to the shooting school of their choice.

    uncle joe said if this new law slays one pedophile it will be worth it

  8. What book do you want us to nominate?

    I registered so I could vote for you but I am not sure which novel you want to win?

    Do you have something like a Voters guide or preferences ticket?

    1. Monster Hunter Legion is my only eligable work. I’ll be putting up a list of what I’m personally voting for later, but on the other categories, you guys should totally vote for whatever you thought was the best. I am putting down Elitist Book Reviews however, because like I said above, they’re an actual good review place. 🙂

  9. If it saves just one child’s life, don’t we have to vote for MHL for the Hugo?

    As our Secretary of State asks: “At this point, WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?”

  10. BTW, Congrats on MHI making the Audibles Essentials list, along with Pride & Prejudice, The Wizard of Oz, Ender’s Game and Storm Front.

  11. After that Photoshop…any chance of you running for President?

    Speaking of making (some) people’s heads explode.

    It’d look great on the resume, the secret service would enjoy the saturday at the range with the boss sessions. ( you shoot less well than the boss and you are fired, boys), we’d actually get someone numerate in the White house, and the pantywaists in congress would actually be trembling when called before you.

    Of course the VP in the picture needs some photo-shopping too. Tam K maybe?

    1. I ascribe to Mark Twain’s theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House. And it would take an awful lot of us to drag Correia… (plus he fights dirty)

      1. Wait a minute. Correia for President? I thought we were supposed to vote for Adam Baldwin and the Libertarian Space Cowboy Revolution Party… 😛

      2. That’s how all Federal politicians used to be, before it became the nuvo royalty. Politicians went to DC did their jobs then got back home to their real jobs because they needed to make money. I miss the days when Politicians knew it was their duty to serve and serve well.

  12. Well, I’ve officially nominated Monster Hunter Legion for Best Novel. Also threw in Williamson and Weber since you’ve got to have at least a little real competition.

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