Joe Biden and Bud Light presents: teh bestest president EVAR!


Damn you, Joe Biden! I’m supposed to be working right now… But you have to go and say something so profoundly stupid that I’m forced. FORCED I SAY! To take time out of my busy schedule in order to blog about it! Don’t you realize how much stuff I’ve got to do today?

Joe Biden was giving a speech in New Hampshire.  At this point, I’m seriously impressed that they let this guy out unsupervised. (hell, unsupervised? I’m surprised they let him out unmedicated).

From Politico

“We have a leader with a backbone like a ramrod and now – now – the real Barack Obama, the president who inherited the most god-awful circumstance any president has inherited, is coming into sharp focus.” – Joe Biden

I want you to think about that for a second. Obama inherited the most god-awful circumstance any president has inherited.  EVAR!

As part of my application package to be White House speech writer, I went ahead and filled in the rest of the speech on behalf of Joe Biden.

Yeah, Lincoln and that whole pending Civil War thing? Nothing.  Suck it, Lincoln. Abe Lincoln is a little girl that wears frilly tutus in comparison to Obama! Abraham Lincoln’s beard wishes it could grow on Obama. Harper’s Ferry? More like Harpers FAIRY!

Truman and learning about the Manhattan Project and having to decide to drop atomic bombs on Japanese cities? You call ending the biggest war in history, and deciding between killing two cities and ushering in the atomic age, or sacrificing half a million Americans and millions Japanese in an invasion a crisis? Obama eats crises like that for breakfast. Then he poops clean energy and free healthcare!

Andrew Johnson… “ooooh, the president has been assassinated and now I have to reconstruct a shattered war torn nation!” Cry me a river, Johnson, you punk ass bitch.

But wait, there’s more!

Biden told New Hampshire Democrats, calling the Bin Laden operation “the boldest decision … any president has undertaken on a single event in modern history.”

Yes… An operation that’s been going on for ten years searching for our greatest enemy, (kind of a no-brainer that) and they finally find the guy, and Leon Friggin’ Paneta and Hillary Friggin’ Clinton still had to coerce the president into finally, finally, finally letting the Navy SEALs do their job (that they would do gloriously the split second you let those bad ass killers off the leash anyway) …


Cuban Missile Crisis? Yeah, Threat Level DEFCON Kiss Your Ass Goodbye, standing on the brink of nuclear annihilation against an enemy prepared to burn the world to see who’d blink first? NOTHING COMPARED TO OBAMA!  Go eat your “chowdah”, Kennedy. The only reason you got to bang Marilyn Monroe was because Obama wasn’t legal yet, so she had to settle!  

“Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.” You call that a Cold War? Obama would have PIMP SLAPPED down the wall.  Then he would’ve had time to play four rounds of golf and catch an Elton John concert before collecting another Peace Prize, the Tony Award, and the Motor Trends Car of the Year Award.

Snort… Reagan… Whatever. “I was an actor.” Well, Obama is a mother-****ing Jedi Knight compared to you!  You know how the presidential limo got stuck in Ireland… Obama got out and lifted the limo out with his bare hands. Then he caught a friggin’ leprechaun, gave its pot of gold to ACORN, and then ate the little green bastard. Lucky charms this! I never saw Ronald Reagan eat a leprechaun!

Plus, Obama would totally kick the ass of any other president at golf… As hard as he trains, they wouldn’t have a chance. He could beat all of them at basketball too! (well, except for Taft, because everybody knows the Big Man was an absolute monster on the courts… Mad props, Taft)

You would not believe his vertical leap

Smokin’ Joe out. Peace.

EDIT:  I just saw the Instalanche.  For those of you that don’t know, I write books for a living:

The Zombie Panel
ConDuit in Salt Lake City this weekend