Joe Biden and Bud Light presents: teh bestest president EVAR!


Damn you, Joe Biden! I’m supposed to be working right now… But you have to go and say something so profoundly stupid that I’m forced. FORCED I SAY! To take time out of my busy schedule in order to blog about it! Don’t you realize how much stuff I’ve got to do today?

Joe Biden was giving a speech in New Hampshire.  At this point, I’m seriously impressed that they let this guy out unsupervised. (hell, unsupervised? I’m surprised they let him out unmedicated).

From Politico

“We have a leader with a backbone like a ramrod and now – now – the real Barack Obama, the president who inherited the most god-awful circumstance any president has inherited, is coming into sharp focus.” – Joe Biden

I want you to think about that for a second. Obama inherited the most god-awful circumstance any president has inherited.  EVAR!

As part of my application package to be White House speech writer, I went ahead and filled in the rest of the speech on behalf of Joe Biden.

Yeah, Lincoln and that whole pending Civil War thing? Nothing.  Suck it, Lincoln. Abe Lincoln is a little girl that wears frilly tutus in comparison to Obama! Abraham Lincoln’s beard wishes it could grow on Obama. Harper’s Ferry? More like Harpers FAIRY!

Truman and learning about the Manhattan Project and having to decide to drop atomic bombs on Japanese cities? You call ending the biggest war in history, and deciding between killing two cities and ushering in the atomic age, or sacrificing half a million Americans and millions Japanese in an invasion a crisis? Obama eats crises like that for breakfast. Then he poops clean energy and free healthcare!

Andrew Johnson… “ooooh, the president has been assassinated and now I have to reconstruct a shattered war torn nation!” Cry me a river, Johnson, you punk ass bitch.

But wait, there’s more!

Biden told New Hampshire Democrats, calling the Bin Laden operation “the boldest decision … any president has undertaken on a single event in modern history.”

Yes… An operation that’s been going on for ten years searching for our greatest enemy, (kind of a no-brainer that) and they finally find the guy, and Leon Friggin’ Paneta and Hillary Friggin’ Clinton still had to coerce the president into finally, finally, finally letting the Navy SEALs do their job (that they would do gloriously the split second you let those bad ass killers off the leash anyway) …


Cuban Missile Crisis? Yeah, Threat Level DEFCON Kiss Your Ass Goodbye, standing on the brink of nuclear annihilation against an enemy prepared to burn the world to see who’d blink first? NOTHING COMPARED TO OBAMA!  Go eat your “chowdah”, Kennedy. The only reason you got to bang Marilyn Monroe was because Obama wasn’t legal yet, so she had to settle!  

“Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.” You call that a Cold War? Obama would have PIMP SLAPPED down the wall.  Then he would’ve had time to play four rounds of golf and catch an Elton John concert before collecting another Peace Prize, the Tony Award, and the Motor Trends Car of the Year Award.

Snort… Reagan… Whatever. “I was an actor.” Well, Obama is a mother-****ing Jedi Knight compared to you!  You know how the presidential limo got stuck in Ireland… Obama got out and lifted the limo out with his bare hands. Then he caught a friggin’ leprechaun, gave its pot of gold to ACORN, and then ate the little green bastard. Lucky charms this! I never saw Ronald Reagan eat a leprechaun!

Plus, Obama would totally kick the ass of any other president at golf… As hard as he trains, they wouldn’t have a chance. He could beat all of them at basketball too! (well, except for Taft, because everybody knows the Big Man was an absolute monster on the courts… Mad props, Taft)

You would not believe his vertical leap

Smokin’ Joe out. Peace.

EDIT:  I just saw the Instalanche.  For those of you that don’t know, I write books for a living:

The Zombie Panel
ConDuit in Salt Lake City this weekend

61 thoughts on “Joe Biden and Bud Light presents: teh bestest president EVAR!”

  1. Taking bets on how long until some libtard gets wind of this and starts in with the racist, blah blah blah, evil conservative, blah blah blah, Obama is perfect, blah blah blah comments.

    Hilarious Larry. I’m glad you took a few moments out of your day to blog about this.

  2. I love it when they let Joe out the padded room they keep him in. His speeches are awesome expeditions into the mind of a modern idiot. If I every become president I am definitely making Larry my speech writer, and my press secretary, oh who am I kidding he could have any job he wanted.

  3. Larry,
    Don’t you know it is not polite to make fun of the handicapped? Taking shots at Joe Biden’s remarks is like shooting fixh in a very small barrel with a .50 caliber sniper rifle.
    But seriously, AWSOME snark on the Pres and the Vice! (Extra points for the Taft reference.)

      1. More like a tac-nuke in a tea cup … its just that Biden’s brain would find itself lost in the immense open spaces (of the tea cup)

  4. Aw, that’s jus’ Joe bein’ Biden — he’s been demonstratin’ for decades that a mouth can run with the brain disengaged.

    Funny thing is, out of all the people in the Democrat Party, Biden was the guy Obama chose to be standing at the ready if anything happened to Barack. The Dems had to MAKE UP stuff to make Dan Quayle look half so dumb!

  5. What Joe means is “awesomemest president that I know of”. If Joe knew any history or had a memory better than that of a goldfish, he obviously wouldn’t be a Dem in the first place.

  6. Wait a sec. I just buy a few bad-ass books and get to read regular masterful smack-downs of the latest antics from our vice clown in chief on this blog. What a deal.

    Anyway, the likelihood of not having to suffer through five more years of TEOT [managed] WAWKI is directly proportional to the amount of Joe ‘Bumbleduck’ Biden live national air time the anointed propper-uppers let slip by.

    I’ll have another cup of Joe please MSM.

  7. Oh, this was so very, very good. Sometimes I am glad that I tend to follow links. Like now. Thanks.

  8. Thanks Larry for the palate cleanser. I just got finished reading the NYT article “White House Looks to Cast Obama as ‘Tough’” and while that masterwork got me a little queasy, it was the reader comments following the article that caused me to begin projectile vomiting.

    Thanks again. For the truth.

  9. Thanks. The more the Obamasiah is held up to the ridicule he so richly deserves, the better I feel about 2012.

  10. Speaking of DEFCON Level Kiss Your Ass Goodby. I knew a girl who got married during the Cuban Missile Crisis for fear that she might never have sex before the world ended. I don’t blame her. That was some scary shite.

    1. Later, it was found that the picture of missiles in Cuba was actually doctored by a young, sexually frustrated man working in the CIA intel lab.

    2. Hmm. Ya know…you don’t actually have to get married to have sex in the throes of a potentially world-ending military crisis. Just a thought…..

      1. The 60s weren’t quite in the full swing just yet at the time of the Cuban missile crisis.

  11. Selecting Joe Biden as his running mate was Obama’s first ever executive decision . It probably woulda been John Edwards, but for his problems which were obvious to everyone but the MSM. From that, everything else about Obama’s presidency flows logically.

    Biden’s happy incompetence is the antidote for Obama’s dour incompetence. I wish they’d let Joe get away form his keepers more often.

  12. You forgot Roosevelt inheriting the depression. Must not have been that bad if it’s worse today.

  13. Followed link from PJM. Awesome snark. Laughed all the way through it.

    Left out Nixon inheriting the Vietnam War, and Eisenhower inheriting the Korean War.

    Then there was Harding/Coolidge inheriting the greatest Depression in our history, that of 1920, when 38% of our national wealth had been destroyed, as opposed to 8% in the ’08 meltdown.

    Grover Cleveland’s job was no picnic, either.

    Madison did not inherit the War of 1812, but they did burn down his Whitehouse. That was kind of a rough deal, having your Capital occupied by foreign armies.

    There was that Reagan guy who inherited an even worse economy than Obama did, and did not even have the benefit Obama did of having his Party in full control of both houses of Congress.

    Yeah, I’m thinking lots of Presidents had sucky jobs to do. Major suck.

    As moronic as Biden is, he would still be better than Obama. How bad is that?!?

  14. Those presidents were presidents of 50 or less states. This president is the president of 57 states, ergo history begins here and now. Every decision this president makes is historic. This president makes no decisions lightly, it took him 16 hrs to make the “gutsy decision”. It was the gutsiest decision he has ever made. The Brits were so impressed, they played a piece of background music specifically for him to toast the Queen, titled “The Gutsiest President Save the Queen”.

  15. Well written!! On a serious note, this is really getting to me, that there are so many juveniles running the show in this country. It’s amusing, but much more so, it’s scary. I’m afraid that the liabilities of these bozos is going to come due, and it’s not going to be pretty. Could be economic, could be on the foreign scene, but it’s going to be ugly.

  16. That him-hawing around was the shooting of the pirates, part 2. Funny how a man’s bugs are presented as features.

  17. An NBA player was fined today for calling an offical a Biden. The league said that kind of language has no place in sports

  18. I was halfway tempted to print this out and send it to the White House c/o Barry O, until I realized he would probably nod his head in agreement as he read it.

  19. Reality to Joe Biden, Mr. Biden Reality is calling.

    Nice one Larry.

    Oh to anyone who’s new around here do yourself a favor and buy all of Larrys books. Just don’t forget to buckle up when you sit down to read them.

  20. Now all Chuck Norris’s talking points have been magically transferred to Obama. Such as…

    Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND he can make him drink…
    Chuck Norris doesn’t do push-ups, he pushes the planet DOWN.
    Chuck Norris CAN divide by Zero.
    Chuck Norris can literally kill time.

    So now Norris has to play second fiddle to Obama! Obama, Texas Ranger. Sure. Has a ring doesn’ t it?

    Cheers to you Larry – I love your posts and have been a long (very long) time reader!

    Cap’n Jan
    Deep in the Heart

  21. Sorry, however, the racist tag cannot stick because the “One” who occupies the Oval Office is bi-racial. Yes, he is not black, and he’s not white; he’s both!

    That’s right all of you white-guilt angst-ridden idiots that voted for him because of his complexion. You are pathetic if it had anything to do with your vote. That seems to be the exact definition of a racist.

  22. Medicated or unmedicated, he’s STILL a loose cannon, and sadly people listen… You did an excellent job of putting him in his place, only problem is, he’ll never understand it… 🙂 Well Done Larry!!!

  23. No matter who wins in 2012, we need to somehow keep Biden in some sort of offical office. Make him Special Vice President for Life or some sort (emp. on “Special”)- an office with no actual power or duties.

    After all, comic relief is important, and every court needs a jester!

  24. Larry,
    That was brilliant! Laughed so hard one of my co-workers came to my office door to see if I was alright. Biden needs you, man.

  25. Splendid job Larry – I don’t think that your average liberal will get it though. I had a liberal tell me the other day that even Rush Limbaugh was praising Obama. Liberals don’t get sarcasm. However I do and this made for a good chuckle even in the midst of the chaos Obama and Biden are creating. Thanks.

  26. *cough*

    That’s Lindon Johnson.

    It’s like you mixed Andrew Jackson and Lindon B. Johnson ;). Both were scoundrels, though.

    Otherwise, AWESOME. Biden just loves to stuff both his feet into his mouth in public doesn’t he?

  27. That’s Lindon Johnson.

    No, you mean Lyndon… which is not who our host meant. Read it again and think about it.

  28. “That’s Lindon Johnson.

    It’s like you mixed Andrew Jackson and Lindon B. Johnson .”

    Your sarcasm almost got by me. Should’ve seen it immediately.
    The “eery” similarities between the Lincoln assassination and Andrew Johnson’s resulting promotion (POTUS #17) to JFK’s assassination followed by LBJ’s stepping into the presidency have been fodder for people with nothing better to do for ages…

  29. Laughed a long time on this. I needed it. Thanks Larry. Have a Coke Zero and some filling snacks on me.

  30. I know, I know. Mea culpa.
    It’s just that at first reading, I spent about 5-10 seconds staring at it in brain vaporlock mode until I realized that it wasn’t a for-real “fixed it for ya” with the smiley attached to take away offense for having done so.
    My perspective is too freaking serious sometimes.

  31. hey great fun. But what i really want to say has nothing to do with this. Have you seen troll hunter?

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