Puppies and Rainbows and Healthcare for Everyone! YAY! Barack Obama saved Christmas!

I actually listened to this whole thing on my drive home last night.  Several times I had to yell at the radio.  I remember most of what I shouted, right up to the point where I had a massive aneurism from all of the nonsense and drove off the road into a ditch. When I woke up I figured I would share it here, with you, my gentle readers. My MST3K style running commentary has been placed in bold.  There was plenty of time to comment, because Obama does that obnoxious say 3 words pause-say 4 words pause-say 3 words pause- thing while he talks.
Ladies and gentlemen of Monster Hunter Nation, I give you:
THE PRESIDENT:  Madam Speaker, Vice President Biden, members of Congress, and the American people:
When I spoke here last winter, this nation was facing the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression. Another economic crisis exacerbated by socialists.  We were losing an average of 700,000 jobs per month. But he saved 2 million, per month, by taking your money and spending it on bulletrains to Disneyland.  Credit was frozen.  People might have to live within their means! And our financial system was on the verge of collapse.  Was?
As any American who is still looking for work or a way to pay their bills will tell you, we are by no means out of the woods.  Pimpin’ ain’t easy. A full and vibrant recovery is still many months away. Months huh? Just wait until the dollar collapses because of out of control spending. You ain’t seen nothing yet.   And I will not let up until those Americans who seek jobs can find them — (applause) — until those businesses that seek capital and credit can thrive; until all responsible homeowners can stay in their homes.  The responsible homeowners aren’t the ones that had ARMs. That is our ultimate goal. Oh, I thought your goal was social justice and income redistribution.  But thanks to the bold and decisive action we’ve taken since January, I can stand here with confidence and say that we have pulled this economy back from the brink.  (Applause.)
Uhm… the economy still sucks. Just like FDR, Obama’s big government meddling will cause an economic downturn to turn into a massive multi-year boondoggle. I’ve called him FDR 2 before, but in the spirit of Van Jones and Rev. Wright, I’m going to start calling him Franklin Delano X. 
I want to thank the members of this body for your efforts and your support in these last several months, and especially those who’ve taken the difficult votes that have put us on a path to recovery.  Harry Reid, I hope you love that train, baby! Woot!  I also want to thank the American people for their patience and resolve during this trying time for our nation.  Patience? I don’t know about you guys, but I’m fresh out.
But we did not come here just to clean up crises.  It is all Bush’s fault!!!!! We came here to build a future.  (Applause.)  Hey, on building stuff, how’s that fence coming along? So tonight, I return to speak to all of you about an issue that is central to that future — and that is the issue of health care. 
I am not the first President to take up this cause, but I am determined to be the last.  (Applause.) What? Last president that talks about health care or the last president period?   It has now been nearly a century since Theodore Roosevelt first called for health care reform.  Because it was EXACTLY the same in 1901 when people were dying of the vapors and you could can stuff in lead. And ever since, nearly every President and Congress, whether Democrat or Republican, has attempted to meet this challenge in some way.  Dems by making government bigger, repubs by making government bigger.  Yay! A bill for comprehensive health reform was first introduced by John Dingell Sr. in 1943.  Sixty-five years later, his son continues to introduce that same bill at the beginning of each session.  (Applause.) 
Our collective failure to meet this challenge — year after year, decade after decade — has led us to the breaking point.  I don’t know about you guys, but 85% of us seem to be doing okay, and we’ve got the best medical care in the world. Everyone understands the extraordinary hardships that are placed on the uninsured, who live every day just one accident or illness away from bankruptcy.  Bummer. We better make sure we shaft the 85% that are doing okay though. These are not primarily people on welfare.  These are middle-class Americans.  Some can’t get insurance on the job.  Go buy your own. Others are self-employed, Like I was for years. and can’t afford it, since buying insurance on your own costs you three times as much as the coverage you get from your employer.  I call bullshit.  I paid for insurance out of my pocket for me and 4 dependants for about what most people pay for cell phones, slurpees, and weekend movie tickets. Many other Americans who are willing and able to pay are still denied insurance due to previous illnesses or conditions that insurance companies decide are too risky or too expensive to cover.  That is a bummer. I know, let’s just address that instead of tacking on another 1,000 pages of socialist crap.
We are the only democracy — the only advanced democracy on Earth — the only wealthy nation — that allows such hardship for millions of its people.  The other ones have government sponsored hardship. Like England. There are now more than 30 million American citizens who cannot get coverage.  In just a two-year period, one in every three Americans goes without health care coverage at some point.  And every day, 14,000 Americans lose their coverage.  In other words, it can happen to anyone.  And in the words of Mark Twain, there are lies, damn lies, and statistics.  Every second 70,000 Americans lose their health insurance and are devoured by a carnivorous walrus named Stan.
But the problem that plagues the health care system is not just a problem for the uninsured.  Oh? Those who do have insurance have never had less security and stability than they do today.   Really?  So like back when people were dying of plague, we’re worse off now becaue I’ve got a $500 deductible? More and more Americans worry that if you move, lose your job, or change your job, you’ll lose your health insurance too. Hey, I think that is the list from the actual bill of reasons you would get moved to the “public option”.  More and more Americans pay their premiums, only to discover that their insurance company has dropped their coverage when they get sick, or won’t pay the full cost of care.  It happens every day.  Yep. Maybe we should address that one point with a law that is, I don’t know, say five pages?
One man from Illinois lost his coverage in the middle of chemotherapy because his insurer found that he hadn’t reported gallstones that he didn’t even know about.  Then he too was devoured by a walrus. They delayed his treatment, and he died because of it.  Another woman from Texas was about to get a double mastectomy when her insurance company canceled her policy because she forgot to declare a case of acne.  By the time she had her insurance reinstated, her breast cancer had more than doubled in size.  That is heart-breaking, it is wrong, and no one should be treated that way in the United States of America.  (Applause.)  Yep. If we actually allowed real competition, then shitty companies like that would go out of business.
Then there’s the problem of rising cost.  We spend one and a half times more per person on health care than any other country, but we aren’t any healthier for it.  BULL.  Pull out the problems caused because we eat too much because we’re rich and we’ve got by far the best medical system on earth.  Other people eating too many Ho-Hos is not a reason to turn into England. This is one of the reasons that insurance premiums have gone up three times faster than wages.  It’s why so many employers — especially small businesses — are forcing their employees to pay more for insurance, or are dropping their coverage entirely.  Oh, I thought it was because small businesses were collapsing because of your crappy economy and the fact we still have to pay taxes and increasing regulatory fees. It’s why so many aspiring entrepreneurs cannot afford to open a business in the first place, Says the man who has so much entrepreneurial experience. and why American businesses that compete internationally — like our automakers — are at a huge disadvantage.  Well, I thought that was because we had unions… Don’t all the foreign automakers pay health insurance in their US factories.  Yeah, I guess they do. But they don’t have union mandated $60 an hour for the guy who sweeps the floor. And it’s why those of us with health insurance are also paying a hidden and growing tax for those without it — about $1,000 per year that pays for somebody else’s emergency room and charitable care. 
Finally, our health care system is placing an unsustainable burden on taxpayers.  Like you’ve got  a flippin’ clue about unsustainable. When health care costs grow at the rate they have, it puts greater pressure on programs like Medicare and Medicaid.  Which were also a stupid idea. If we do nothing to slow these skyrocketing costs, we will eventually be spending more on Medicare and Medicaid than every other government program combined.  Like I said. Put simply, our health care problem is our deficit problem.  Nothing else even comes close.  Nothing else.  (Applause.)
Now, these are the facts.  Nobody disputes them.  You must not get out much. We know we must reform this system.  The question is how. 
Let’s see… government screwed it up. So the answer must be more government!
There are those on the left who believe that the only way to fix the system is through a single-payer system like Canada’s — (applause by idiots) — where we would severely restrict the private insurance market and have the government provide coverage for everybody.  On the right, there are those who argue that we should end employer-based systems and leave individuals to buy health insurance on their own. Hooray!  Just think, I might actually know more about my needs than my employer or the government?  Oh, wait, he was being sarcastic.
I’ve said — I have to say that there are arguments to be made for both these approaches.  But either one would represent a radical shift that would disrupt the health care most people currently have.  Since health care represents one-sixth of our economy, I believe it makes more sense to build on what works and fix what doesn’t, rather than try to build an entirely new system from scratch.  (Applause.)  And that is precisely what those of you in Congress have tried to do over the past several months.  Uhm… No it didn’t.  Read the f’ing bill. Actually read the bill.  It was filled with big changes. I will be returning to this point.
During that time, we’ve seen Washington at its best and at its worst.  I don’t think we’ve seen Washington at its best since the British burned it to the ground. 
We’ve seen many in this chamber work tirelessly for the better part of this year to offer thoughtful ideas about how to achieve reform.  Of the five committees asked to develop bills, four have completed their work, and the Senate Finance Committee announced today that it will move forward next week.  That has never happened before.  Our overall efforts have been supported by an unprecedented coalition of doctors and nurses; A cherry picked group, ask every doctor you know. hospitals, Same seniors’ groups, AARP management is a bunch of quisling sellouts. and even drug companies Bribed— many of whom opposed reform in the past.  Bribes and threats go a long way! And there is agreement in this chamber on about 80 percent of what needs to be done, putting us closer to the goal of reform than we have ever been. 
But what we’ve also seen in these last months is the same partisan spectacle that only hardens the disdain many Americans have towards their own government.  Disdain? I prefer the word hatred. Instead of honest debate, we’ve seen scare tactics.  Like reading the bill. Some have dug into unyielding ideological camps that offer no hope of compromise.  Too many have used this as an opportunity to score short-term political points, even if it robs the country of our opportunity to solve a long-term challenge.  And out of this blizzard of charges and counter-charges, confusion has reigned. In Washington, I’m shocked!
Well, the time for bickering is over.  As soon as you quit this nonsense and leave us alone. The time for games has passed.  (Applause.)  Now is the season for action.  Now is when we must bring the best ideas of both parties together, and show the American people that we can still do what we were sent here to do.  Now is the time to deliver on health care.  Now is the time to deliver on health care.   Code for pass this 1,000 page monstrosity or I won’t get reelected!
The plan I’m announcing tonight would meet three basic goals.  It will provide more security and stability to those who have health insurance.  It will provide insurance for those who don’t.  And it will slow the growth of health care costs for our families, our businesses, and our government.  (Applause.)  Sounds good. If you disagree you must hate kittens. It’s a plan that asks everyone to take responsibility for meeting this challenge — not just government, not just insurance companies, but everybody including employers and individuals. How about we remove the first part of that and just let it be individuals.  And it’s a plan that incorporates ideas from senators and congressmen, from Democrats and Republicans — and yes, from some of my opponents in both the primary and general election.   That ain’t saying much.
Here are the details that every American needs to know about this plan.  First, if you are among the hundreds of millions of Americans who already have health insurance through your job, or Medicare, or Medicaid, or the VA, nothing in this plan will require you or your employer to change the coverage or the doctor you have.  (Applause.)  Let me repeat this:  Nothing in our plan requires you to change what you have.  Except for right in the bill, where it penalizes employers with a tax if they don’t switch, and every time you have a life change you have to switch, or you have to pay epic penalites.
What this plan will do is make the insurance you have work better for you.  Under this plan, it will be against the law for insurance companies to deny you coverage because of a preexisting condition.  (Applause.)  As soon as I sign this bill, it will be against the law for insurance companies to drop your coverage when you get sick or water it down when you need it the most.  (Applause.)  They will no longer be able to place some arbitrary cap on the amount of coverage you can receive in a given year or in a lifetime.  (Applause.)  We will place a limit on how much you can be charged for out-of-pocket expenses, because in the United States of America, no one should go broke because they get sick.  (Applause.)  And insurance companies will be required to cover, with no extra charge, routine checkups and preventive care, like mammograms and colonoscopies — (applause) — because there’s no reason we shouldn’t be catching diseases like breast cancer and colon cancer before they get worse.  That makes sense, it saves money, and it saves lives.  (Applause.)
Wow. That all sounds great.  I’d have to be a real dick to disagree with any of this… except I’m not sure which bill he’s actually reading, because it sure as hell isn’t in this one that we’re currently reading.
Now, that’s what Americans who have health insurance can expect from this plan — more security and more stability.  Wow. Because the government has such a good track record.
Now, if you’re one of the tens of millions of Americans who don’t currently have health insurance, the second part of this plan will finally offer you quality, affordable choices.  (Applause.)  If you lose your job or you change your job, you’ll be able to get coverage.  Buy it. If you strike out on your own and start a small business, you’ll be able to get coverage.  Buy it. I did. I didn’t ask everybody else to buy it for me. We’ll do this by creating a new insurance exchange — a marketplace where individuals and small businesses will be able to shop for health insurance at competitive prices.  Insurance companies will have an incentive to participate in this exchange because it lets them compete for millions of new customers.  As one big group, these customers will have greater leverage to bargain with the insurance companies for better prices and quality coverage.  This is how large companies and government employees get affordable insurance.  It’s how everyone in this Congress gets affordable insurance.  And it’s time to give every American the same opportunity that we give ourselves.  (Applause.) 
I’m actually in favor of competition. Why do I have a sneaky suspicion though that his idea of competition and mine will diverge slightly?
Now, for those individuals and small businesses who still can’t afford the lower-priced insurance available in the exchange, we’ll provide tax credits, the size of which will be based on your need.  I love paying for people who make bad financial choices! And all insurance companies that want access to this new marketplace will have to abide by the consumer protections I already mentioned.  This exchange will take effect in four years, which will give us time to do it right.  We could give you until doomsday and I doubt the government would get it right.  In the meantime, for those Americans who can’t get insurance today because they have preexisting medical conditions, we will immediately offer low-cost coverage that will protect you against financial ruin if you become seriously ill.  (Applause.)  This was a good idea when Senator John McCain proposed it in the campaign, it’s a good idea now, and we should all embrace it.  (Applause.) Why did we ever run that toadstool to begin with?  Oh wait, it was because all the democrats turned out and voted in our Florida primary! Thanks Florida!
Now, even if we provide these affordable options, there may be those — especially the young and the healthy — who still want to take the risk and go without coverage.  That should be their right to be cheap and stupid. There may still be companies that refuse to do right by their workers by giving them coverage.  Time to get a better job! The problem is, such irresponsible behavior costs all the rest of us money.  Why should it? If the government wasn’t involved in health care to begin with this would not be my problem. If there are affordable options and people still don’t sign up for health insurance, it means we pay for these people’s expensive emergency room visits.  If some businesses don’t provide workers health care, it forces the rest of us to pick up the tab when their workers get sick, and gives those businesses an unfair advantage over their competitors.  And unless everybody does their part, many of the insurance reforms we seek — especially requiring insurance companies to cover preexisting conditions — just can’t be achieved.   How about the government gets out entirely, there is real competition, which would give us cheap coverage, and if somebody is a dumbass and doesn’t get cheap coverage,  it isn’t my problem, so you don’t have to rape the entire country to death to protect a few million dumbasses?  Naw. That’s crazy talk.
And that’s why under my plan, individuals will be required to carry basic health insurance — just as most states require you to carry auto insurance.  Except that is only if I drive… Bad analogy. (Applause.)  Likewise — likewise, businesses will be required to either offer their workers health care, or chip in to help cover the cost of their workers.  Chip in = Code for anally rape you with a garden weasel. There will be a hardship waiver for those individuals who still can’t afford coverage, and 95 percent of all small businesses, because of their size and narrow profit margin, would be exempt from these requirements.  Suuuurreee… (Applause.)  But we can’t have large businesses and individuals who can afford coverage game the system by avoiding responsibility to themselves or their employees.  Improving our health care system only works if everybody does their part.  Maybe it is just my libertarian streak coming out, but I don’t like when people tell me I have to do my part.  And I’m usually the kind of guy who volunteers for crap like that, still doesn’t mean I like statists telling me I have to do it.
And while there remain some significant details to be ironed out, I believe — (laughter) — Significant Details = Code for how can we get away with this shit?  I believe a broad consensus exists for the aspects of the plan I just outlined:  consumer protections for those with insurance, an exchange that allows individuals and small businesses to purchase affordable coverage, and a requirement that people who can afford insurance get insurance. And puppies, and magic unicorns, and koalas that will crap rainbows of gumdrops right into your mouth!
And I have no doubt that these reforms would greatly benefit Americans from all walks of life, as well as the economy as a whole. Just like all our other programs, that saved two million jobs a day!  Still, given all the misinformation that’s been spread over the past few months, Snort! I realize — (applause) — I realize that many Americans have grown nervous about reform.  Nah, millions of us have been going to tea parties and town hall meetings for kicks. So tonight I want to address some of the key controversies that are still out there. 
Some of people’s concerns have grown out of bogus claims spread by those whose only agenda is to kill reform at any cost.  The best example is the claim made not just by radio and cable talk show hosts, Curse you Rush Limbaugh CURSE YOOOUUUU!!!!! (president pauses to shake his fist in the air) but by prominent politicians, that we plan to set up panels of bureaucrats with the power to kill off senior citizens.  Now, such a charge would be laughable if it weren’t so cynical and irresponsible.  It is a lie, plain and simple.  (Applause.)  So laughable, except that the actual bill (not the magic puppy dog unicorn bill that only Obama has read apparently) but the actual bill in congress, had panels of bureaucrats who would go over the availability of procedures vs. cost and patient analysis.  And his healthcare advisor, Zeke Emmanuel thinks that this is an awesome idea.  And I’m not making that up.
There are also those who claim that our reform efforts would insure illegal immigrants.  This, too, is false.  The reforms — the reforms I’m proposing would not apply to those who are here illegally. Once again, there is no proof of citizenship required anywhere in the bill, and amendments to require citizenship have been submitted–
AUDIENCE MEMBER:  You lie!  (Boos.) –by guys like this.
Oh, and yes, it was uncouth for Wilson to jeer the president, but in the 1850s-60s we had fist fights and congressmen getting dragged out on their asses.  So keep pushing the country further and further from freedom, and watch to see how angry Americans can get…
THE PRESIDENT:  It’s not true.  And one more misunderstanding I want to clear up — under our plan, no federal dollars will be used to fund abortions, and federal conscience laws will remain in place.  (Applause.)  Except for in 2 versions of the bill abortions were covered under the public option, and people who disagreed still got to pay taxes to support them. 
Now, my health care proposal has also been attacked by some who oppose reform as a “government takeover” of the entire health care system.  As proof, critics point to a provision in our plan that allows the uninsured and small businesses to choose a publicly sponsored insurance option, administered by the government just like Medicaid or Medicare.  (Applause.) Does anyone in congress have the gonads to stand up and say, nope, those were bad ideas too? Or once we’ve bribed a segment of the population, we can’t ever go back on that, regardless of how badly the program turns out to work.
So let me set the record straight here.  My guiding principle is, and always has been, that consumers do better when there is choice and competition.  BWA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! That’s how the market works.  (Applause.)  I bet he has a Che tee shirt somewhere in his closet. Unfortunately, in 34 states, 75 percent of the insurance market is controlled by five or fewer companies.  In Alabama, almost 90 percent is controlled by just one company.  Okay, change the laws and allow insurance companies to compete across state boundries.  You should be able to do that in about 5 pages instead of cramming 995 pages down our throats. And without competition, the price of insurance goes up and quality goes down.  And it makes it easier for insurance companies to treat their customers badly — by cherry-picking the healthiest individuals and trying to drop the sickest, by overcharging small businesses who have no leverage, and by jacking up rates.
Insurance executives don’t do this because they’re bad people; they do it because it’s profitable.  As one former insurance executive testified before Congress, insurance companies are not only encouraged to find reasons to drop the seriously ill, they are rewarded for it.  All of this is in service of meeting what this former executive called “Wall Street’s relentless profit expectations.” 5 page bill. Done.
Now, I have no interest in putting insurance companies out of business.  Or the auto industry, or the insurance industry, or banking… Hey, wait a second… They provide a legitimate service, and employ a lot of our friends and neighbors.  I just want to hold them accountable.  Says the guy who’s friends with mad bombers and communists. (Applause.)  And the insurance reforms that I’ve already mentioned would do just that.  But an additional step we can take to keep insurance companies honest is by making a not-for-profit public option available in the insurance exchange.  (Applause.)  Yay! It is like PBS for surgery! Now, let me be clear.  Let me be clear.  It would only be an option for those who don’t have insurance.  Which is all of us in a few years. No one would be forced to choose it, and it would not impact those of you who already have insurance.  In fact, based on Congressional Budget Office estimates, we believe that less than 5 percent of Americans would sign up. I love how he uses CBO numbers for this, but not for the parts where they tell him that it is going to cost like 8 times what he’s saying it will.
Despite all this, the insurance companies and their allies don’t like this idea.  Ya think? They argue that these private companies can’t fairly compete with the government.  And they’d be right if taxpayers were subsidizing this public insurance option.  But they won’t be.  I’ve insisted that like any private insurance company, the public insurance option would have to be self-sufficient and rely on the premiums it collects.  But by avoiding some of the overhead that gets eaten up at private companies by profits and excessive administrative costs and executive salaries, Totally unlike bureacrat salaries and government waste!  it could provide a good deal for consumers, and would also keep pressure on private insurers to keep their policies affordable and treat their customers better, the same way public colleges and universities provide additional choice and competition to students without in any way inhibiting a vibrant system of private colleges and universities.  (Applause.)
Okay, time out! Time out! This thing is going to run efficiently. It will be a government entity, that will run better than any private entity… Does anybody in the world buy that? Has any government program EVER been more efficient than a private one? Can anyone name one?  Seriously…
Now, it is — it’s worth noting that a strong majority of Americans still favor a public insurance option of the sort I’ve proposed tonight.  But its impact shouldn’t be exaggerated — by the left or the right or the media.  It is only one part of my plan, The other part is about koalas and rainbows. and shouldn’t be used as a handy excuse for the usual Washington ideological battles.  To my progressive friends I’m amazed he used the word too, go FDX! , I would remind you that for decades, the driving idea behind reform has been to end insurance company abuses and make coverage available for those without it.  (Applause.)  The public option — the public option is only a means to that end — and we should remain open to other ideas that accomplish our ultimate goal.  And to my Republican friends, We’re not your friends.  I say that rather than making wild claims So wild and crazy… READ THE BILL YOU MORON! about a government takeover of health care, we should work together to address any legitimate concerns you may have.  (Applause.) Legitimate Concerns = Shut your ass up. I’m in charge suckers.
For example — for example, some have suggested that the public option go into effect only in those markets where insurance companies are not providing affordable policies.  Others have proposed a co-op or another non-profit entity to administer the plan.  These are all constructive ideas worth exploring.  But I will not back down on the basic principle that if Americans can’t find affordable coverage, we will provide you with a choice.  (Applause.)  And I will make sure that no government bureaucrat or insurance company bureaucrat gets between you and the care that you need.  (Applause.) Wow. That’s really nice of you, guy who’s hiring a million new bureaucrats!
Finally, let me discuss an issue that is a great concern to me, to members of this chamber, and to the public — and that’s how we pay for this plan.  It hasn’t stopped you before.
And here’s what you need to know.  First, I will not sign a plan that adds one dime to our deficits — either now or in the future.  (Applause.)  I will not sign it if it adds one dime to the deficit, now or in the future, period.  Look! Unicorns! And to prove that I’m serious, there will be a provision in this plan that requires us to come forward with more spending cuts if the savings we promised don’t materialize.  (Applause.)  Now, part of the reason I faced a trillion-dollar deficit when I walked in the door of the White House This lame excuse again?  Yep. It was horrible. So you quadrupeled it in 4 months.  Plus you voted for the 1st stupid stimulas package while you were a senator. So shut the *%$!! up!  is because too many initiatives over the last decade were not paid for — from the Iraq war to tax breaks for the wealthy.  Ooohh… those nasty wealthy people… I hates them… So much… Wait? I’m wealthy? Huh? I don’t make that much… Wait a second! NOOOO! (Applause.)  I will not make that same mistake with health care.  
Second, we’ve estimated that most of this plan can be paid for by finding savings within the existing health care system, a system that is currently full of waste and abuse.  Mostly governmental. Right now, too much of the hard-earned savings and tax dollars we spend on health care don’t make us any healthier.  That’s not my judgment — it’s the judgment of medical professionals across this country.  And this is also true when it comes to Medicare and Medicaid. 
In fact, I want to speak directly to seniors for a moment, because Medicare is another issue that’s been subjected to demagoguery and distortion during the course of this debate. Because it is BROKE!!
More than four decades ago, this nation stood up for the principle that after a lifetime of hard work, our seniors should not be left to struggle with a pile of medical bills in their later years.  That’s how Medicare was born.  And it remains a sacred trust that must be passed down from one generation to the next.  (Applause.)  And that is why not a dollar of the Medicare trust fund will be used to pay for this plan.  (Applause.)  Like this plan, Medicare sounded good at the time, and has since grown into a bloated, inefficient, boondoggle. But don’t worry, this time will be different.
The only thing this plan would eliminate is the hundreds of billions of dollars in waste and fraud, as well as unwarranted subsidies in Medicare that go to insurance companies — subsidies that do everything to pad their profits but don’t improve the care of seniors.  And we will also create an independent commission of doctors and medical experts charged with identifying more waste in the years ahead.  (Applause.)    You know, this is like the proverbial trailer park wife, who gets beaten, but then comes back, because this time it will be different. He’s changed. You don’t understand.
Now, these steps will ensure that you — America’s seniors — get the benefits you’ve been promised.  They will ensure that Medicare is there for future generations.  Or until the Chinese won’t lend us anymore money. And we can use some of the savings to fill the gap in coverage that forces too many seniors to pay thousands of dollars a year out of their own pockets for prescription drugs.  (Applause.) George Bush’s other stupid idea.  That’s what this plan will do for you.  So don’t pay attention to those scary stories Scary! about how your benefits will be cut, especially since some of the same folks who are spreading these tall tales Totally false, nothing to see here…  have fought against Medicare in the past and just this year supported a budget that would essentially have turned Medicare into a privatized voucher program.  That will not happen on my watch.  Provided that the Chinese don’t cut us off, because then you’re hosed. I will protect Medicare.  (Applause.)  
Now, because Medicare is such a big part of the health care system, making the program more efficient can help usher in changes in the way we deliver health care that can reduce costs for everybody.  We have long known that some places — like the Intermountain Healthcare in Utah Leave us out of it! or the Geisinger Health System in rural Pennsylvania — Ironically both red areas of that election map… offer high-quality care at costs below average.  So the commission can help encourage the adoption of these common-sense best practices by doctors and medical professionals throughout the system — everything from reducing hospital infection rates to encouraging better coordination between teams of doctors.  Not only will this program put a chicken in every pot, the government is going to make it so that doctors don’t infect you as much.  Man, is there anything Obama CAN’T do? He’s like Jesus AND Superman!
Reducing the waste and inefficiency in Medicare and Medicaid will pay for most of this plan.  (Applause.)  One government program is so screwed up, that just its fraud and abuse can pay for another government program. As an accountant, if I did financial statements like this I would go to JAIL! Now, much of the rest would be paid for with revenues from the very same drug and insurance companies that stand to benefit from tens of millions of new customers.  And this reform will charge insurance companies a fee for their most expensive policies, which will encourage them to provide greater value for the money — an idea which has the support of Democratic and Republican experts.  And according to these same experts, this modest change could help hold down the cost of health care for all of us in the long run. 
Now, finally, many in this chamber — particularly on the Republican side of the aisle — have long insisted that reforming our medical malpractice laws can help bring down the cost of health care.  (Applause.)  Now — there you go.  There you go.  Patronizing asshole. Now, I don’t believe malpractice reform is a silver bullet, but I’ve talked to enough doctors to know that defensive medicine may be contributing to unnecessary costs.  (Applause.)  So I’m proposing that we move forward on a range of ideas about how to put patient safety first and let doctors focus on practicing medicine.  (Applause.)  I know that the Bush administration considered authorizing demonstration projects in individual states to test these ideas.  I think it’s a good idea, and I’m directing my Secretary of Health and Human Services to move forward on this initiative today.  (Applause.) Sucking up to try and get a couple of republicans to vote for this thing. Nice.
Now, add it all up, and the plan I’m proposing will cost around $900 billion over 10 years — less than we have spent on the Iraq and Afghanistan wars, and less than the tax cuts for the wealthiest few Americans that Congress passed at the beginning of the previous administration.  And it will probably kill more people than Iraq too! (Applause.)  Now, most of these costs will be paid for with money already being spent — but spent badly — in the existing health care system.  Come back, Honey, I promise I won’t hit you no more! The plan will not add to our deficit.  The middle class will realize greater security, not higher taxes.  And if we are able to slow the growth of health care costs by just one-tenth of 1 percent each year — one-tenth of 1 percent — it will actually reduce the deficit by $4 trillion over the long term. Math is not his strong suit.
Now, this is the plan I’m proposing.  It’s a plan that incorporates ideas from many of the people in this room tonight — Democrats and Republicans.  And I will continue to seek common ground in the weeks ahead.  Like he has in the past. If you come to me with a serious set of proposals, I will be there to listen.  My door is always open. Unless you are one of those crazy town hall people who just want to be left alone, because you can go to hell, go to hell and DIE!
But know this:  I will not waste time with those who have made the calculation that it’s better politics to kill this plan than to improve it.  (Applause.)  This plan is cancer. I’m not going to infect myself with cancer in the hopes that I can imporove it. I won’t stand by while the special interests use the same old tactics to keep things exactly the way they are.  If you misrepresent what’s in this plan, we will call you out.  But if we call you out for lying, then we’re fear mongering, using scare tactics, or telling tall tales. (Applause.)  And I will not — and I will not accept the status quo as a solution.  Not this time.  Not now.
Everyone in this room knows what will happen if we do nothing.  Our deficit will grow.  More families will go bankrupt.  More businesses will close.  More Americans will lose their coverage when they are sick and need it the most.  Stan the carnivorous walrus will devour your children. And more will die as a result.  We know these things to be true. 
That is why we cannot fail.  Because there are too many Americans counting on us to succeed — the ones who suffer silently, and the ones who shared their stories with us at town halls, cherry picked ones at least.  “Mr. Obama why are there mean people who are stupid and don’t agree with you?” Well little girl, it is because they are misguided.  in e-mails, Like the ones that you were having reported to Flag @whitehouse.gov and in letters.
I received one of those letters a few days ago.  It was from our beloved friend and colleague, Ted Kennedy.  ZOMBIE TED KENNEDY!!!! He had written it back in May, Oh, whew, thank goodness! shortly after he was told that his illness was terminal.  He asked that it be delivered upon his death. 
In it, he spoke about what a happy time his last months were, thanks to the love and support of family hookers, and friends, hookers, his wife, Vicki, his amazing children, hookers, who are all here tonight.  And he expressed confidence that this would be the year that health care reform — “that great unfinished business of our society,” he called it — would finally pass.  He repeated the truth that health care is decisive for our future prosperity, but he also reminded me that “it concerns more than material things.”  “What we face,” he wrote, “is above all a moral issue; at stake are not just the details of policy, but fundamental principles of social justice and the character of our country.”
 It will be a very cold day in hell before I feel the need to have Ted Kennedy teach me about morals and character.
I’ve thought about that phrase quite a bit in recent days — the character of our country.  One of the unique and wonderful things about America has always been our self-reliance, Which you hate. our rugged individualism, Which you don’t like either our fierce defense of freedom Hypocrite. and our healthy skepticism of government.  I hate this guy so very much. And figuring out the appropriate size and role of government has always been a source of rigorous and, yes, sometimes angry debate.  Yes, like at Bull Run and Shilo. That’s our history.   
For some of Ted Kennedy’s critics, his brand of liberalism represented an affront to American liberty.  Ooh! Ooh! Me! Call on me! In their minds, his passion for universal health care was nothing more than a passion for big government.  and hookers.
But those of us who knew Teddy and worked with him here — people of both parties — know that what drove him was something more.  His friend Orrin Hatch — The doddy old bastard who needs to retire already. he knows that.  They worked together to provide children with health insurance.  His friend John McCain knows that.  They worked together on a Patient’s Bill of Rights.  His friend Chuck Grassley knows that.  They worked together to provide health care to children with disabilities.  And puppies.
On issues like these, Ted Kennedy’s passion was born not of some rigid ideology, but of his own experience.  It was the experience of having two children stricken with cancer.  He never forgot the sheer terror and helplessness that any parent feels when a child is badly sick.  Except he lives in a compound and like all elites, has access to stuff you can only dream about. And he was able to imagine what it must be like for those without insurance, you imagined wrong, you drunken fool. what it would be like to have to say to a wife or a child or an aging parent, there is something that could make you better, but I just can’t afford it.  I love when a rich guy lectures me, a poor guy, about what it like to be poor, and then he takes more of my money and freedom, because he’s smarter than I am.
That large-heartedness — A condition common amongst alchoholics. that concern and regard for the plight of others — is not a partisan feeling.  It’s not a Republican or a Democratic feeling.  It, too, is part of the American character — our ability to stand in other people’s shoes; a recognition that we are all in this together, and when fortune turns against one of us, others are there to lend a helping hand; a belief that in this country, hard work and responsibility should be rewarded by some measure of security and fair play; and an acknowledgment that sometimes government has to step in to help deliver on that promise. Except they screw it up. Every. Damn. Time.
This has always been the history of our progress.  In 1935, when over half of our seniors could not support themselves and millions had seen their savings wiped away, there were those who argued that Social Security would lead to socialism, but the men and women of Congress stood fast, and we are all the better for it.  And where are we now exactly? In 1965, when some argued that Medicare represented a government takeover of health care, members of Congress — Democrats and Republicans — did not back down.  They joined together so that all of us could enter our golden years with some basic peace of mind.  Except for those of us who can do math and understand basic finance, because we don’t get to have peace of mind.
You see, our predecessors understood that government could not, and should not, solve every problem.  The fools. You know so much better, don’t you FDX? They understood that there are instances when the gains in security from government action are not worth the added constraints on our freedom.  When have you ever fought to increase freedom or shrink government? But they also understood that the danger of too much government is matched by the perils of too little–
And that is the part where my brain overloaded from the steady stream of BS and I drove into a ditch. Good thing socialized medicine will be there for me! 
LOOK OUT! It is a walrus!
Never forget.
Good news, patches are on the way to me

30 thoughts on “Puppies and Rainbows and Healthcare for Everyone! YAY! Barack Obama saved Christmas!”

  1. All very funny;
    Larry, You are an idiot.
    Apparently Keith buys (perhaps even reads) your blather.
    Sorry, Keith. Help is available.
    And Larry, who cares?
    Who cares what anyone thinks?
    Not to put too fine a point on it; Who cares what you think.
    You ain’t had pussy since pussy’s had you, Larry.

    1. Oh. The implication is that Larry’s a virgin. That would’ve been like wicked not cool when Larry was sixteen.

      Now he’s in his thirties and has three kids. So…um…yeah, BUUUURN.

      And hey! YOU apparently read Larry’s blather. Guess what, ass clown, you can’t un-read it! Nyah!

      1. How is “you VIRGIN” even an insult? Unless you’re, you know…in high school. Last time I checked, having sex did not convey magical sparkly powers. Or wisdom, for that matter.

        Quite the opposite, sometimes.

    2. Wow. Because nothing says “thoughtful political discussion” quite like accusing a guy–who’s mentioned his kids on this very blog–of being a virgin (apparently, Larry’s kids are all Jesus).

      People like you make me ashamed to be on the other end of the political spectrum from Larry. If there weren’t just as many idiots on the right, I’d vote Republican just to spite you.

      1. Just because I’ve got 3 kids, doesn’t prove anything. At best, it proves that I’ve done it three times. Less if they were twins!

      2. I hope Larry’s kids are all Jesus (Jesii?), ’cause it just might take three of them to get us out of the mess our commie president is going to put us in.

  2. I heard just the sentence about “the health care crisis IS the deficit, nothing else comes close.”
    That was such an unbelievable baldfaced lie I switched it off. Apparently the IIC (IDIOT IN CHARGE) HAS NEVER NOTICED THE interest on the freakin debt is 1/3rd of our budget. And he is busy pumping it up. Apparently no one ever taught the CIC (commie in charge) that interest grows at an exponential rate and will DESTROY OUR NATION if it is not checked.
    …..or maybe, just maybe, they DID tell him that…..

    the main problem in this country is the Gov. involvment in the health care and insurance biz.

    Get the Gov. out, let any insurance company offer what ever product they want to sell, and make the providers bill the same cost for treatment to anybody. No reason Joe in plan A should pay half of what Jim in plan C pays, because Joe’s insurance had a bigger club. No reason Jack should pay 4 times Joes cost because he did not have insurance. They all bought the same procedure, they should be charged the same.

  3. I was actually kinda surprised you didn’t elaborate on the guy who called Obama a liar. I think he should he a medal.

    1. You know, I honestly could care less about what some douche yells, but I have to wonder if most of the people praising Wilson’s action would have said if it had been a Democrat yelling at a Bush speech. No doubt the right-wing media would have been up in arms about how liberals disrespect the office of the president and hate America in general, and it would have been a major talking point for weeks, complete with calls to resign.

      Just goes to show that the right is still much better than the left at manufacturing outrage.

      1. Uhh…Democrats booed George Bush’s SOTU address in 2005. They also booed one of his inaugurations. The left isn’t exactly innocent.

  4. Keith, 45-70 of course.

    F.U.L. Nice. Wow, you sure showed me! As usual your side of the debate brings reason to the table. Keith and about 1,300 other people a day read my blather.

    And more people bought my book in August than Ted Kennedy’s last book sold in total. Man, I bet that totally pisses you off! 🙂

  5. OH GOD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS. I haven’t laughed this hard in a very, very long time.

    Unfortunately, your blog entry is the only funny thing about this. It’s going to get rammed down our throats whether we want it or not, no matter how many people turn out for Town Hall Meetings and Tea Parties.

  6. President Obama uses “I” and “me” a lot. From parsing the text one gets the impression that he is the subject of the speech, not the health insurance issue.

  7. Julie Frost wrote:
    It’s going to get rammed down our throats whether we want it or not, no matter how many people turn out for Town Hall Meetings and Tea Parties.

    Not necessarily. There are things that can be done.

  8. A friend sent me this link and I have to say, you are my hero. The contents of the speech made me want to cry. Your comments made me want to laugh. Er, no, I did laugh.

  9. Sheer awesomeness. I LOL’d at “ZOMBIE TED KENNEDY!!!!”

    I actually had a line of my own come to mind at one point, after “A bill for comprehensive health reform was first introduced by John Dingell Sr. in 1943. Sixty-five years later, his son continues to introduce that same bill at the beginning of each session”:

    “You’d think they’d have learned something by now.”

  10. Good commentary Larry. Shame I had to read a hitler-esque speech to get it instead of just watching a bad sci fi movie! Our freedom is about to be destroyed by a man who believe free will is bad for the common good.

  11. Franklin Delano X


    I don’t think we’ve seen Washington at its best since the British burned it to the ground.


  12. We need a spamhaus style service to exclude IPs of these astro’tards … I’m getting a bit tired of watching hippies and hobos littering our blogs with their drivel in return for booze/crank money from Soros.

    I wonder how many pennies they get for each increment of the retard poastcount?

  13. Kristopher,

    I could mark them as spam, but I think that when I get posts like that as rebuttals, it proves my point way better than I ever could on my own. 🙂

  14. I would REALLY love somebody to actually DO a “Mystery Political Theater 3000” podcast. Or, even better, a LIVE MPT3K during speeches.

    I’ll even accept it zapping both parties, because, Lord knows, the GOP has its’ share of blowhards as well. . .

    I can hear it now:

    o/~ In the not-to-distant-future. . .
    Next fiscal year, AD. . . .
    There was a disgusted voter,
    Just as snippy as he could be. . . . .

  15. Mike Nelson’s a conservative, you know. (It’s fun to remind people on the RiffTrax message board of that every now and then. They go bonkers. :-)~ ) Actually, I think the guys have riffed a few candidate commercials.

  16. Ironically, Stan the homicidal walrus makes more sense than the speech sans commentary. And I HATE Stan the walrus, always eating my friends.

  17. Um, hi. First time replying (Just found this site a few weeks ago while trying to find out if you had anymore books coming out….fyi I loooved the MHI novel and cant wait for the next one).

    Anyway…um question. Wasn’t it JFK who kept sleeping with all the hookers or something? Or was it both of em? I dunno, I failed history and I suck at politics. And yeah the Zombie Ted Kennedy comment was hilarious!!

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