Ahh… fanboys

I check my blog stats once in awhile to see where hits are coming from.  The most popular thing I’ve written on here is still the HK. Because you suck.  And we hate you mega rant.  That thing makes the rounds across all sorts of boards.  It has showed up on every gun board, car boards, video game boards, and even the Scented Candle Emporium & Teddy Bear Hospital forum. 


I follow these links back, and reading the HK Fanboy hate that is expressed is always priceless.  Let me give you an example of one that I just read:


http://3dgamenight.com/forums/m_219219/mpage_2/tm.htm  Post #34


Some dude named Zissky states that “it isn’t an accident that the extreme vast majority of both military and LE agencies around the world choose HK over all others


HA HA HA Snort!  You’ve got to be friggin’ kidding me.  Okay, maybe back in the glory days of us using 9mm subguns and MP5s, but now?  Okay, how many PDs carry HK?  How many carry Glock?  I’m not a Glock fan by any stretch of the imagination, but they own the domestic LE market.  Since the “extreme vast majority” uses HK, and last I checked, Glock owns the market, I’m having a hard time figuring that one out.


Military?  Okay, you’ve got… Germany, obviously.  Spain, because you know, they do a lot of fighting.  (blow up a subway and the whole country surrenders).  And… Lithuania?  Seriously, I do believe Lith SF uses a G36, or at least they had them in Afghanistan while our local SF group was deployed there.  Then there are a handful of other countries that have been conned by the conniving Tutons into buying the melty rifle.  Which is pretty sad, because a couple decades ago they managed to trick like 50 countries into buying the G3 (and most of them found themselves wishing they had gone with the FAL, but didn’t want to deal with those uppity Belgians)


There are a handful of people that do this stuff for a living that choose HK.  Good for them.  Most of the professional firearms instructors I know carry A. What their department mandates.  B.  Glock.  C.  A 1911 variant.  Or D. Everything else.  And D is made up of a lot of stuff, and in the years that I’ve been in the gun business, I’ve known a couple of professionals that chose the HK pistol.  And usually they’re blessed with the Germanic 4th Knuckle Master Grip that allows them to shoot the damn thing and its horrible trigger.


I suppose “The Extreme Vast Majority” of LE and military refers to people playing Rainbow Six.  Or he heard it on Future Weapons, so it must be real.


But this is the stuff that I enjoy.  the article was pure comedy, btw  the guy has no penis or the money to afford a proper weapon and will probably be settling for his SW auto and his SKS but that’s for another thread


Okay, random internet guy, let me address your concerns.  Yes, the article was comedy.  It made me laugh writing it.  Next, I do in fact have a penis.  I’m rather proud of it.  And no, this is not the kind of site where I will post pictures of it for you. 


As for the money to afford a proper weapon, I own a… wait for it… MACHINE GUN STORE.  I have a couple of guns. Since I post under my own name, anybody can drop by my shop (which actually exists in Draper, Utah, on Earth, and not just on the internet) and see the HK machine guns that we own.  (I know, critiquing something that you actually have experience with, rather than taking Future Weapons at its word?  Shocking)


That kind of post always makes me laugh.  Anytime a rabid fanboy reads a criticism of their chosen (overpriced) brand, then obviously the person doing the criticism must be poor.  It’s kind of like that one douchebag that asked “what is your life worth” because if you didn’t carry an HK, then it wasn’t worth much.  Your life is worth what it costs me to hire a crack head to kill you.  Period.  Just because you suck with money, and make poor purchasing decisions, and feel the need to blow $800-$1000 on a polymer handgun with poor ergonomics and a horrible trigger, or $1600+ on a neutered 10 shot rifle with a thumbhole stock, doesn’t make you a bad ass gunslinger. 


Rabid fanboys (not limited to just HK, but occurring with all brands, across all spectrums of the universe, from cars to blenders) always assume that the person they’re talking to is ignorant.  I’m willing to go out on a limb and bet that I’ve shot more rounds through HK weapons that your average HK fanboy.  (unless you count the rounds fired while playing Call Of Duty 4, because then they’ve probably got me beat pretty handily, but I’m talking about actual bullets, from a real gun).


As for the SW auto or the SKS, why yes, I would actually take a new production SW 1911 or M&P over a USP any day of the week. But what do I know?  I actually shoot guns, rather than just talk about them on the internet.  As for the SKS, people that actually know how to shoot don’t make fun of them.  When you aren’t hanging a bunch of cheap plastic garbage and faulty 30 round mags off of them, they actually work well, have a better trigger and usually shoot a better group than a G3.


Only I can buy 2 dozen decent SKS rifles for the price of a single original G3 and arm an entire Girl Scout troop.  But darn it, then I couldn’t brag on the internet about how super awesome my gun is because it was expensive, and built in Germany.  Which is ironic, since a couple of days ago, I posted a picture of myself with an MG3… But then again, what do I know?  I’m just jealous of your fancy HK. 


Found another MHI Review
More fun from Barnes & Noble

36 thoughts on “Ahh… fanboys”

  1. But but but…HK invented the gas piston! You just can’t appreciate sophisticated German engineering!


    “The HK417 utilizes the unique operating rod gas system pioneered by HK in the HK416 and G36 weapons systems. This system uses a solid “pusher rod” operating rod in place of the more common hollow gas tube normally employed in AR15-style rifles. This system improves reliability and reduces operator cleaning and maintenance as literally no carbon fouling or propellant gases are directed back into the weapon beyond the gas cylinder located above the barrel.”

    Because before the G36, no rifle ever used a gas piston. Well, except the AR-18, which HK copied and put into a plastic shell to make the G36.

    No seriously. The M1908 Mondragon had a gas piston. I suppose I just misunderstood when HK implied that they “pioneered” it, and that it’s “unique”.

  2. My name is Joe Merchant… and I own two USPs.

    “Hi, Joe!”

    My first handgun was a USP40, as I wanted the new fotie cartridge and this was one of the first available. After discovering the .45 goodness, I added another USP.

    Heaven help me, I carried the bloody .40 for years.

    Both are permanent safe residents now.

    I don’t want to knock HK ergonomics… but I found a GLOCK to be better! (A mistake later remedied thanks to Springfield Armory).

    Yes, HKs ergos were so lousy it made the GLOCK’s lousy ergos feel good.

    HK: We hate you because you suck. But at least you tactically suck, mallboy.

  3. Well Larry,

    Of course if you talk bad about HKs you must have a problem with your manhood. lol It would have been just a little smart of said fanboy to at least read a bit more of your blog so he might know a bit more about the man behind the blog. The HK post still cracks me up every time I read it.


  4. I don’t know how sarcastic you were trying to be, but by “SW,” they clearly meant Special Weapons, the cheap HK knockoffs.

    This proves conclusively that your critics are well-informed gun experts, having read the Mall Ninja threads in an archive somewhere.

  5. “It’s kind of like that one douchebag that asked “what is your life worth” because if you didn’t carry an HK, then it wasn’t worth much.”

    Ummm, Larry…wasn’t that posted by Mr. ‘Crawler, writing with tongue planted firmly in cheek?

  6. HK is so 1980’s.
    FNH is the new shizznit. The new black… the new HK that HK wishes was HK.
    What has HK done new lately? Recasting the USP with different contour lines? Again? Come on.
    HK’s tend to have one or more of three basic qualities. Too Heavy, Too Melty, or Sucky Trigger.

    We got in the S2000 rifle. Great trigger. Light. Not melty. Cool looking. Feels good. Not a bad rifle at all… and then there is the SCAR. Seraphim kneel before the SCAR. I have it on good authority.

  7. Well the P7’s are/were nice but the rest of H&K handguns were never intended for humans. Hmm think of it maybe they make them for the vampires and such???

  8. It sounds like you’re intimidated to me.

    I get lectured by the kids and newbies shooting SKS’s about how reliable their guns are and blah blah blah. Then they can’t hit a pie plate at 100 yards.

    Or the self proclaimed gun experts that do all their pistol work at 7 or 10 yards and think they are hotshots because they can dump a mag full of ammo in the chest of a silhouette target.

    If all you can afford is an SKS or a cheap 1911 clone, don’t feel bad. Anything that gets you shooting is good. But if you ever want to go to anything beyond ‘minute of outhouse’ accuracy and maintain battle proficiency, you are going to need to upgrade to better guns.

  9. Heh, gun & computer OS fan boys are pikers. Real OC jingoism happens over kitchen knives and pots. I mean people get very intense over copper vs triply, F Dick Global etc vs each other. I won’t even go into cook tops, reefers and other stuff in a kitchen.

  10. “It sounds like you’re intimidated to me.”

    Jim, just to clarify. My last “cheap 1911 clone” cost me $1600, and I pay dealer cost. I haven’t shot IDPA or IPSC much in the last 2 years because of teaching, but I was ranked as Expert, and it was that dang stage 3 that kept me from reaching Master. (I suck with Limited Vickers scoring, as I’m a hoser).

    Bring in rifle or shotgun, and I do rather well. I’ve won a few local 3gun matches, and I’ve done pretty respectably at a few big ones. I won my division at the Ironman last year, but sadly it was the lowest class, but even then, that was with breaking 2 guns on the last day.

    With a carbine, I would rate myself way better than average. A few years ago (before FBMG managed to suck all my free shooting time away) I took 2nd in the statewide carbine match. Out of the top 10, 9 were shooting ARs. I was shooting an ironsighted AK. Ironically, I don’t see ANY HKs on the line at 3gun matches.

    Then again, my competition AK is a Krebbed Out Vepr K. But since I’m not a fanboy, I don’t feel the need to brag about my equipment on my internet, because strangely enough, all I care about is results.

    I teach pistol shooting. Trust me, I can hit stuff once in awhile at ranges past conversational distance.

  11. Interesting. We didn’t get HK’s in the Marines. None of my Army friends got them. Nor Navy. I don’t think they let the Air Force even touch guns.

    Instead, they gave us crappy Colts with iron sights and oddly I remember putting 95 rounds out of 100 into a silhouette at 500 yards. And to think all I had to do to get 117 out of 100 would have been to use an HK!

    I guess the grunts need to do better to maintain their battle proficiency.

  12. Um, Jim, have you even bothered to check out the REST of this blog to see what Larry does for a LIVING? ROFLOL, another fanboi moron.

  13. Came into this from The Other Side of Kim du Toit. Interesting that Jim seems to be such an expert. I’m no expert, just been shooting for over 40 years, spent 20 years in the Army, two of which were on a marksmanship unit firing .45 autos and teaching shooting to troops. I also shoot cowboy action and straight target. Jim, I’ll pit my snub nose S&W Model 19 snubbie or my almost stock 1911 against your whizbang special at 75 yards and probably outshoot you. It’s NOT always about the gun. I venture to say there’s folks out there who can fire an HK with a mastery that’s unbelievable but not many. You’re in a dream world, enjoy it.

  14. Yeah Robb, the AF has guns for the ground troops AND the pilots. While I’d far rather have kept my 1911 over that stupid M9… We have sniper teams, we have Pararescue, we have Security Forces. We have Mk-19s, we have MP-5s, we have M-2s and Barretts for certain things. Yeah, we in the AF gots nugs.

  15. And we gots 240s and we gots 249s and you know that netvid of the guys trying to melt the M60E4? Yeah, Air Force. So nyeh. All of the above are naught but the norm. What the SpecOps guys will have extra when they get here is to question.

  16. Uh oh….small Internet.

    That’s one of my boards, I posted your rant about HK. Responses from Zissky and LeadMagnet are legit opinions. Zissky is a gun nut, not sure if he was ever in the service, but he may have been….don’t remember.

    LeadMagnet is the real deal. He’s a Canuck paratrooper or SF type…something like that. Now he tests guns for the Canadian Forces. I think he’s a marksman too, shoots long tight groups. I listen when he talks about boomsticks.

  17. Brit, I’m not the one that read something I disagreed with on the internet and then felt the need to pontificate on whether the other guy had a penis or not.

    Zissky may be a gun nut, but I teach gun nuts for a living. I work with “experts” every day. I respect about half of them. The other half tends to regurgitate what they read on the internet or out of a gun magazine like everybody else.

    A big chunk of my customer base is SF. We located our shop one block from the local headquarters for a reason. Come lunch time, there’s a lot of ACU floating around. I work with them, teach with them, and most of the other owners, employees, and instructors at my organization are former Army SF, except for one 82nd Airborne, some LE SWAT, and one Marine.

    That said, I’m a Cake Eating Civillian. And have never claimed otherwise. I’m lucky enough to work with some really knowledgable folks is all.

    Doesn’t change the fact that HK doesn’t dominate like he said it does, let alone what I think he called, the vast majority. Most professionals use what they’re issued, contrary to popular belief. I can only think of one super cool guy unit that actually gets their own personal equipment trailers, but that’s because they’re friggin’ super heros, and last time any of my people worked with them, they were all using M4s.

    And since the 9mm subgun was mostly replaced with 5.56 carbines, you don’t even really see that many people or departments using MP5s anymore. (which is partially explained by the fact that getting spare parts is like getting a root canal) but also that 9mm sucks compared to 5.56.

    And the HK 5.56 rifle that is available is overpriced and melts when compared to the good old M4. But there is a new fancy HK 5.56, which is basically an M4 with a piston, which is like an M4, except that the handguards get hot enough to leave skin on after a couple of quick magazines. (You really think they keep dunking the 416 in water during those demonstrations to show how reliable it is when wet?)

    Either way, I just got offered a contract for my first novel by a big publishing house. So I’m kind of giddy. 🙂

  18. I carried a HK UPS 45 for a few years as a Deputy Sheriff, and loved it. But after leaving that job, no I was not fired, I was burned out, my daily carried for the next 3 years (or so) before moving to Germany was Olympic Arms 1911 45. Still had the HK, but the Olympic arms POS was lighter, and I could shoot it better. Sadly the HK went to the safe, and only got brought to the range every few weeks.

  19. Scott I am not a moron. I didn’t buy my USP because some self-proclaimed authority or some elite soldier of fortune has one.

    I played hookey one day and went to ye olde gun shoppe and chose between it and a SIG P220. The HK felt better to me and came with a nice set of adjustable sights. My intent was to take some heat and mileage off of my STI. I go to the range 3 or 4 times a week and just plink and do slow fire precision shooting for the most part. The HK fits right in with that. I base that opinion on the last 8 months of working with the gun and putting a hair over 3000 rounds through it. If it soothes your ego to tell me that the gun sucks and has no redeeming qualities whatsoever, fly at ‘er. I suspect that if I took your hero’s 1911 away from him, and give him my USP instead – he would not be rendered helpless and would still be a formidable shooter.

    Likewise, if some mentally and physically obese blogger like Kim du Toit thinks that a chicom SKS shooting corrosive ammo is a better gun than an HK battle rifle there is no harm done. I will cheer the loudest when I see you guys winning the precision rifle tournaments with your $150.00 surplus beaters.

    For me, I have fair shooting abilities, can clean my guns when required and am smart enough to realize that any armed confrontation will rely on tactics and ability far more so than equipment.

    The best gun for you is the one you have. Shoot it and smile.

  20. Sit on it, Jim.

    1. You’re ignorant. Du Toit specifically goes out of the way to NEVER endorse anything chicom. Way to show you’ve never read anything or your reading comprehension hovers around 8th grade.

    2. Again, if you could read and comprehend, most do not buy their SKS for target shooting. It’s an emergency weapon for when you may need one. Think natural disasters and other calamities. Sure, you can buy other things, but in a scenario like that, it’s comforting to know that you have a weapon that most likely won’t break and shoot the one of the most common cartridges on this blue marble.

    3. Being mentally obese is a good thing. Your behavior is a wonderful example as to why.

    4. I don’t have a number 4. I will add that you come off as a douchetard.

    PS. Correia, you’re the reason Utah doesn’t sound bad.

  21. LOL Zissky is LE, and Leadmagnet is former SF, who now designs guns you’ve never even seen before, scrub.

    Hating HK is 4chan meme you fucking wanker, i suggest you go back to /k/, they havent had their daily anti-HK wankfest for the day.


  22. XT. That was the best reply ever.

    Can you believe that WordPress marked that as spam? I marked it as legit, because honestly, that post sums up a lot of why I go off on tirades on the internet.

    I don’t know what most of that second line even means, but it’s like a beautiful haiku.

    Yes, and Tool rocks. Maynard is awesome live.

  23. I have to confess, I stirred the pot. I registered for their forum and posted a link to your reply.

    I know, I’ve got a mean streak.

    Sorry if I overstepped, I just wanted to watch the fireworks.

    Oh, and XT: Zissky and Leadmagnet talk enough BS to make you BELIEVE they are what they say they are, but their rants just sound WAAAY too “typical mall ninja” for me to buy.

    Besides, in my experience (granted, my experience is limited, I only spent 21 years in the military and have never even pretended to be SF on a forum), the guys who were ACTUALLY special forces, don’t need to brag about it to wanna-be’s on computer gaming forums for self-actualization.

  24. 4chan is a large message board/image sharing site. /k/ is the subforum devoted to weaponry.

    A lot of the catchphrases on the Internet can be attributed to 4chan memes. If you’ve never heard the phrase “Do you like mudkips?” be thankful. I’ve lurked there a few times, and HK weapons tend to spark some flame wars between fanboys on either side of the issue. Other hotly contested issues include just how much Arfcom sucks.

    This is a more positive example of a /k/ post:


  25. LOL Zissky is LE, and Leadmagnet is former SF, who now designs guns you’ve never even seen before, scrub.

    You mean they’re both liars on the internet? Amazing.

    Who does Mister Former SF design guns for? (And since when did snake-eating and door-kicking = a mechanical engineering degree?)

  26. Sailorcurt, you didn’t, “stir the pot.” The word your looking for is, “trolled.” Evidence? “Sorry if I overstepped, I just wanted to watch the fireworks.” I wish you hadn’t; it certainly appears to have amped up the animosity level between the GN crowd and this blog, and I don’t think that serves anyone in a positive fashion.

    Truth is, over the Internet, no one’s going to argue a guy into changing his opinion; only well-thought-out, reasoned discussion has a _chance_ of persuading a guy. Inflammatory posts like yours over there, and XT’s over here – well, let’s face it – those don’t tend to encourage reasonable discussion, do they?

    I can’t speak to Larry’s experience, or Zissky’s, or LeadMagnet’s – I don’t know any of them well enough to judge. Everyone’s going to have his or her preference; some love HK, others don’t – that’s a perfectly fair and valid opinion. Similarly, I can’t argue for or against anyone’s quoted statistics – I don’t have the data, so I can’t make an informed decision one way or the other. I’ve never used anything made by HK, so I can’t come down on the fence one way or the other – insufficient data to judge.

    What I can speak to is people on both sides of the discussion acting in a manner far more befitting a kindergarten class than responsible firearms owners – is that the image we want to present, with many in the US clamoring for strict regulation of civilian firearm ownership and outright bans?

    That said, frankly, about the only think I’d trust the average Joe with _might_ be an Airsoft rifle, but I live in Baltimore, so that just practicality speaking. Regardless, owning a firearm is our Constitutionally guaranteed right; a right that is threatened daily, and requires all of us who defend that right to act responsibly, with reason, and without providing ammo for those who oppose that right to fight us with.

  27. No Jim, I didn’t say you were a moron because you shoot a H&K. I said you’re a moron because of your inability to comprehend that others like Larry may have more experience in these matters than you. I agree with shooting what fits ya, no matter what my “hero” (Ronald Reagan, btw) shoots. For the record, I do not know Larry, have never met the man. His is simply one of several blogs I read.

    As far as “Government Operators” choosing the H&K, I used to do that, and would never choose H&K as my personal sidearm, nor do I know very many that would.

  28. If zissky and leadface are the prime examples of the elite LE and SF community, I wouldn’t be surprised to see a team they put together, all equipped with an HK rifle got taken out by a hillbilly with a Marlin 336.

    I also wouldn’t be surprised if some peeps for the brady campaign think this is, just like the transition from night to day/day to night a good reason to ban them all. You two idiots suck, and all of us rational thinkers hate you!

  29. Hey, just stumbled across this whole blog by accident, and found it extremely entertaining, wanted to give my props to the author. I really don’t think that most of the people here recognize it’s point, however. There are no uber firearms out there. There is no end-all gun manufacturer. I salute HK for trying some revolutionary weapons technology (the 4.7mm caseless G11, underwater pistol, etc) even if the final products never came full circle. But outside of that, I don’t understand why so many people claim HK is the end all of firearms. Most automatic pistols are 90% similar to the next in terms of operation. Strip down a SIG, HK, S&W, Taurus, etc, etc, and you’re going to find more or less the exact same operating principle – some subtle differences, sure, but it would take an armorer to discern them. And when you’re picking out a pistol, at least when I do, I choose a caliber first, and then grip. And as far as pistols go, HK’s are terrible for that fact. You can line up 1000 people for a survey, and ask them to take the pepsi challenge between a USP and a 1911, picking one based on feeling alone, and I can promise you that at least 900 of them are going to choose the 1911, and that’s being generous on HK’s side of the fence. Simply put, the grips on USP’s are rediculously oversized. Only automatic I can think of with worse grips is the Desert Eagle, another fanboy favorite. I have fairly big hands – I shoot a SIG 229 most of the time, another large-grip pistol, and I still can’t handle a HK comfortably.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.