Movie Review: Ice Queen

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0461788/  Eh… it was okay.  If you’re a B-Movie Geek, and you’re bored, and your copy of Big Trouble in Little China has a scratch in it.

 

The best thing about it is trying to think about the plot, and then trying to coherently explain the plot.  So let me try.  The movie starts out with a helicopter (with really cheesy rocket pod effects), attacking a convoy to steal a biohazard drum.  At no point do we really figure out who is getting attacked, or at least if they did, I wasn’t paying attention. 

 

Well, the drum contains a naked chick.  Who then gets dressed up in a weird suit with red wires, then there’s a skiing montage made up of stock footage, that can’t seem to decide if it is actually winter, or summer.

 

Then some dumb guy (oh, wait, I guess he’s the hero) cheats on his girlfriend with some chick with a really absurd boob job.  No really, it’s downright absurd.  There comes a point when a medical professional should just stand up and say, “No!  That’s going too far!  This violates my Hippocratic Oath.  Who am I to play God?”  I’m guessing the mad scientist Russian from The Rage did these. There’s big, and then there’s just unnatural.

 

Then the guy that stole the biohazard drum, stabs a pilot, for no reason that I can discern.  Then the bad guy and a doctor fly the naked chick out to the snow, while the doctor monologues on and on and on about the frozen chick, and her biology is like an insect, and she’s from the ice age, and on and on and on.  Well, this masterful plot exposition is interrupted when the suit shorts out, and the frozen chick gets REAL ugly, kills the bad guy by freezing his insides out (not nearly as cool an effect as it sounds) and crashes the plane.

 

Said plane crash then causes an avalanche that goes on for like fifteen minutes.  It is seriously the world’s slowest, yet most destructive avalanche.  Which traps our hero, his idiot girlfriend, the slut with the terrifying boobies, and some stock characters, in a ski lodge with the monster, and the idiot doctor.  There seem to only be a handful of people at the resort, even though there are like 30 cars in the lot that get destroyed by the avalanche.  These people don’t just not carpool.  They’re the anti-carpool.  They actually bring extra cars to work, just to park them, and make a bigger carbon footprint. 

 

And this avalanche isn’t just terrible.  It is actually the second time we get to see somebody ski right in front of a wall of falling snow, (Save us Vin Diesel!) and we’re only like twenty minutes in, ten of which are exposition, and the other ten are of those boobies. 

 

There is an obnoxious subplot where a fat ex-alcoholic wanders around the outside of the trapped ski-lodge with his dog.  He finds a cell-phone and calls 911, but they don’t believe him because he’s a drunk.  Oh yeah, somebody at 911 is getting sued for this one.

 

Also, I loved how the power was out, (in fact, there is an actual EXPLOSION when the power lines get knocked down by the avalanche, because, you know, electricity is flammable), but the power works when it is convenient for the script.  Like how the hand dryer in the bathroom works.  Even though there is a whole scene devoted to the fat guy turning the power on like 30 minutes later. 

 

The monster then freezes people for the next hour, falls in a hot tub, and dies.  The end.

 

Yes, seriously, it was actually that bad.   

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