Monster Hunter Nation

Fisking the New York Times’ Modern Man

More like modern pajama boy man-child. This New York Times article is so remarkably stupid that it has already been mocked across the entire internet.  However, as a manly man of manliness, it is my responsibility to address this piece of fuckwittery. The same way that as a professional working writer I am compelled to respond to stupid writing advice that might otherwise screw up aspiring authors, I have to Fisk this.

See, I have two sons. As a father, it is my duty to point out really stupid shit, so they can avoid becoming goony hipster douche balloons. So boys, this Fisk was written for you.

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/10/02/fashion/mens-style/27-ways-to-be-a-modern-man.html

As usual, the original is italics and my comments are in bold.

SELF-HELP

Even the header is wrong. This article is the opposite of self-help. This is like the instruction guide for how to live life as a sex-free eunuch.  

27 Ways to Be a Modern Man

Alternate Title: Does the Touch of a Woman Confuse and Frighten You? 27 Ways to Avoid Girl Cooties.

By BRIAN LOMBARDI
 
Who took time off from his busy schedule at the nail salon to write this.
 
SEPTEMBER 29, 2015

Being a modern man today is no different than it was a century ago. It’s all about adhering to principle. Sure, fashion, technology and architecture change over time, as do standards of etiquette, not to mention ways of carrying oneself in the public sphere. But the modern man will take the bits from the past that strike him as relevant and blend them with the stuff of today.

My sons, as you go through life you will learn that libprog rags like the NYT, Slate, and HuffPo usually start their bullshit articles with a paragraph that sounds all sorts of reasonable. Beware. It is a trick.

What follows is one dude’s bizarrely specific pronouncements, which range from preachy but passable, to full turnip. Now, if this jackass had just lived his life according to his own code, real men wouldn’t give a shit, but of course not… This is the New York Times, bastion of bullshit, which will not be content unless it is telling you how you’re living your life wrong.  

  1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.

Who the hell buys shoes for their wife? As you grow older you will learn that many women like to shop for clothing and shoes. No. I don’t understand it either. But as a manly man, your duty is to work and provide money to your woman, so that she may go and do this sort of thing if she wants.

 As for knowing sizes, no. As children, your mother buys clothes for you. Right now your requests for her seem to be “Get a shirt with Deadpool on it” and that is good. But as men large of stature you will eventually purchase your own clothing from the Extra Large Casual Male Outlet or the Cabella’s Catalog.

For you who are descended from giants, you know man sizes starts at 2XL (or 3X if you need to carry your pistol concealed under an untucked shirt) and shoes sizes begin at 15, but unlike the wimpy New York Times reporter, manly men understand that all men are different, and we do not judge them, even if they shop in the children’s section.

As for knowing your woman’s sizes, no. Your mother owns like 40 pairs of running shoes. She doesn’t even know which brands run big or small, and she has a uterus.

  1. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.

This sounds like good advice, boys, but it is trickery.  A real man assesses his situation and does what is best. A real man must know when to ask for help. You have had the opportunity to grow up around warriors, and some of them have experienced terrible things. Even these great men need help at times. Hiding depression leads to things like suck starting your 12 gauge.

  1. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.

Or you could just close your stupid face hole as you chew your food, you slack jawed idiot.

And by “ruckus” I’m guessing he wasn’t watching something like The Expendables, but rather he’s talking about the song and dance numbers on Mama Mia.

  1. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.

A real man lets other men eat what they want and isn’t a self-righteous prick about it.

But this talk of steak is just more trickery, sons. This is a Pajama Boy trying too hard to sound like a man, because steak is considered a manly food. Note that he spells filet wrong. That piece of meat isn’t fatty, and what kind of doofus burns a good piece of meat?

  1. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.

Again, a real man doesn’t care what other men do as long as it doesn’t infringe upon him.

In real life, park wherever you feel like. You will either spend time looking for a close space, or you will spend time walking from a far one. That is your decision to make.

  1. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.

No. That is their problem. If you fail to plug your crap in, and you run out of power tomorrow, then you’ll learn. If your father comes and bails you out every time you make a stupid little mistake, then you will never become accountable for your actions, and then you will grow up and make foolish choices, like becoming a New York Times reporter.

  1. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.

Look, boys, nobody likes a bossy asshole. I like Coke the best, but since I’m not a pretentious dickweed, I don’t presume to speak for other men. The thing about “taste” is that it is subjective, and so can’t be wrong.  

Besides, do you know what manner of man drinks Mountain Dew? Coal miners and Boyd Crowder. Men like your uncle Jack, who can bench press like 400 pounds because he pulls industrial electrical cables at construction sites all day, drink Mountain Dew. Do you truly believe that this effeminate, limp wristed, debutante could “show them the door”?  

Also, Dr Pepper isn’t even a cola, idiot.  

  1. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.

Yet “GET TO THE CHOPPA!” will always remain a thousand times cooler than anything this Pajama Boy ever says.

I am a bestselling novelist. Words are my profession. So I really hate the Word Police. Beware anyone who tells you what words you can, and can’t use. They only want to control you. That said, when you see somebody using the word “gauche” they’ll usually prove to be a pretentious dipshit.   

  1. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.

I have daughters as well. I actually agree with this one.

Don’t worry. I’m sure he’ll fuck it up somehow.

  1. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.

Can’t the “modern man” afford a dishwasher?

Boys, as you are aware every family will have a division of labor known as chores. You will take your assignment and fulfill it to the best of your ability. Doing a half ass job is unacceptable. This Pajama Boy is bragging about merely not doing a half ass job. It is sad that he is so proud of this minor achievement that he felt the need to put it on this list.  

  1. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.

I do not know what these words mean.

However, because each generation is more technologically savvy than the one that came before, I’m not going to presume to tell anyone else what they can and can’t do. That is naïve. That would be like your grandfather telling me not to “internets” or his father telling him that color TV is a fad.

  1. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.

And Real Men have more important things to do than worry about how another man bathes himself.

I don’t care if you take all the little bits of soap and smoosh them together into a ball of mutant soap. I don’t even know what brand soap we have, because your mother buys it. The only time a real man cares about the bathing habits of another man, is if he smells bad, because then his stink is now intruding on your turf. Then you will inform him to get his shit together.

Besides, I’m betting this New York Times reporter smells of lilacs… and shame.

  1. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.

Who is she?

Okay, seriously, yes, I do know who Wu-Tang Clan is, but only because of the Dave Chappelle Show.

Here’s the thing. In grown up life, nobody gives a flying fuck what you listen to, and only pretentious cock nozzles feel the need to judge others based upon their tastes. He could have changed that to Frank Sinatra, Pearl Jam, or Garth Brooks, and it would be just as pointless. Being a fan of something doesn’t make you inherently better than someone else. That’s hipster nonsense.  

  1. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.

Who cares?

No, really. You write it on a piece of paper, put it on your phone, scribble it on your hand with Sharpie, fly by the seat of your pants buying whatever you feel like, or your wife does the shopping… NOBODY GIVES A FUCK.

You sensing a trend yet, boys?

This guy is a symptom of a much bigger problem. People like to make themselves feel more important by telling other people that they are having Wrongfun. Judging others makes them feel special.

  1. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.

Most real men have whatever flooring their wife wanted when they built their house, because we don’t care, because we’re working all day so don’t get to stand on it much. Or they have whatever flooring came with the house when they moved in, and eventually when they can afford to they’ll put in whatever flooring their wife wants, because they don’t care. Some men do care, and they can put in whatever floor they feel like. Good for them.

All of those men think this reporter is a douche.

I don’t even know what a Kenneth Cole is. I’m not sure what an oxford is, but from the context I believe it is a type of shoe. As a man who usually wears size 15 Danner boots, this is my Not Impressed Face.

  1. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.

This one sounds good, but as we go down the list you’ll see the reporter is completely full of shit again. His ability to fight off an intruder is as questionable as his understanding of manhood.

Plus, kids, your mom isn’t going to “get away” she’s going to go for her gun too.

  1. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?

I’m picturing an Army Special Forces A-Team, somewhere in Afghanistan right now, questioning their manhood because of their complete lack of melon ballers.

My sons, when you grow up, if you want to uniformly shape cantaloupes, I will not judge you, but I will profoundly wonder where I went wrong.

  1. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.

Hell, I’m surprised this fucker didn’t say what brand of shoehorn was mandatory!

  1. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.

Boys, this is actually good advice. So I think we’re at 2 for 19. But since you both understand sports, you can see that he’s not doing well.

  1. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.

See? That’s the kind of bullshit that you just never need to know about another dude! This is just as bad as pontificating on what somebody else does in the shower.

But hang on. Isn’t this the same inconsistent twit who wrote #2?

Fuck it. Real talk time, boys. Women don’t respect pansies. Those who say they do are lying, and once they marry their sensitive little Pajama Boy, they will dream about actual manly men, who take care of business rather than fretting about melon ballers.

  1. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.

That is so insanely specific… What is this, Leviticus? But if thy daughter doth sneeze while eating a maple bar, though shall beat her with a rod!

  1. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.

My kids were all like, what’s a newspaper?

That’s just wishful thinking on the New York Times part there.

Apparently, modern men can't read graphs either. It is even worse, because after the date this cut off the fall has accelerated.

Apparently, modern men can’t read graphs either.

 

And next, half-naked? Which half? Are the neighbors going “Damn it, there’s that Lombardi asshole without his pants again!”

  1. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).

I call bullshit on this one. This is a Pajama Boy trying too hard. The only thing he has on Blu-Ray is the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants.

I like Michael Mann movies. I’m trying to think of a Michael Mann main character who wouldn’t call this reporter a pussy to his face. I’m trying to imagine this reporter’s favorite scene from Heat:

Kilmer - "Can we hurry this up? I've got to go shoe shopping for my wife before my Pilates class!"

Kilmer – “Can we hurry this up? I’ve got to go shoe shopping for my wife before my Pilates class!”

 

 

DeNiro – “A guy told me one time, Don’t let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner. Now, if you’re on me and you gotta move when I move, how do you expect to keep your melon baller?”

Pacino – “Are those Kenneth Coal oxfords, McCauly? Because they look fabulous!

 

  1. The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it.

You are out of batteries because you were plugging in your kid’s shit in #6, you inconsistent spaz!

Now kids, listen carefully. If you’ve got a friggin’ clue, you know that a phone is just another tool, and if you’re going to carry the stupid thing around, you might as well have it charged, that way if you need it to call 911 after you see this Pajama Boy get beaten up for insulting Mountain Dew drinkers you’re ready.

  1. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.

This is probably the stupidest one in the whole bunch.

You have no use for the gun? What about in #16? Oh, that’s right. We’re dealing with a chickenshit talking out of his ass about a subject he doesn’t even begin to comprehend.  

So, you’re going to fight off that intruder with what? Your shoe horn? Clue time, fuckwit, the kind of guy (let’s call him T-Bone) who invades your house in the middle of the night doesn’t give a shit about melon ballers. Uh oh! T-Bone drinks Mountain Dew. SHOW HIM THE DOOR. Only he spent time in prison learning how to fuck people up, and his idea of winning at Modern Manhood is being a pitcher rather than a catcher in the prison showers. What are you going to do to defend your wife and children now? Talk to him about your shared love for Wu-Tang? Show him your Kenneth Cole oxford collection?

No. T-Bone is going to hurt you in ways you can’t even imagine, and then you’re going to lie on your hardwood floor, bleeding, praying that your wife got to the phone in time so that a Real Men with guns might come and save your pathetic hipster ass.

Boys, the single most important responsibility of a man is to provide for the safety and well-being of his loved ones. Period. The gun is simply the single most effective tool to stop a violent aggressor. Real men understand that. Which is why I’ve also taught you, your sisters, and your mom to shoot, so if I go down, you still have a chance.

This bullshit modern man is a selfish, irresponsible child, banking on good intentions and wishful thinking to ward off evil. Only real evil simply does not give a shit about your good intentions.  

  1. The modern man cries. He cries often.

I’d cry too if T-Bone murdered my family because I was a useless sack of crap.

But wait… #2 is pretend everything is okay, but #26 is cry like a big baby.

To my sons, I’m not going to feed you a bunch of nonsense about how real men never cry, because I’ve seen some bad asses cry. But damn it, I try to save it for a good reason, like somebody died, or one of you did something that I’m ridiculously proud of. You’re overcome in a particularly spiritual or emotional moment, and you tear up? Great. I’ve known men far better than I who do that.

All that said, if you cry all the time like this doofus, then you’ll be seen as a loser, and if you’re lucky enough to trick a woman into marrying you, she will eventually cheat on you with the mail man, because at least he isn’t a wimp.  Women don’t desire men who cry freely about wanting to be the little spoon.

  1. People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.

How much you want to bet his jam is really “It’s Raining Men”?  

##

If this is modern manhood, then I’m proud to be an old fashioned man.

 

UPDATE! Modern Manhood Achieved! I got a melon baller!   http://monsterhunternation.com/2015/10/06/update-modern-manhood-achieved/

 

 

Publisher's Weekly Review for Son of the Black Sword
Back from Salt Lake City ComicCon

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576 Comments on "Fisking the New York Times’ Modern Man"

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Kevin Crowley
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Kevin Crowley
11 months 28 days ago

Boom!!!

Grayson
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Grayson
11 months 26 days ago

I’m going to guess, “What is the sound of a newspaper editor’s brain cell imploding?”

Angry Webmaster
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Angry Webmaster
11 months 24 days ago

Is this a trick question? There has to be a brain cell in order to hear it implode.

JamesFaith
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JamesFaith
11 months 28 days ago

“… and what kind of doofus burns a good piece of meat?”

Obviously the modern one.

B. Durbin
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B. Durbin
11 months 26 days ago

There’s even a high-tech method to insure you don’t burn your meat—it’s called an immersion circulator or a sous-vide device, and you take your vacuum-sealed piece of meat and put it in a water bath that your device keeps at a precise temperature for hours. Then you take it out and sear it off and you’ve got a perfectly rare piece of meat.

It takes less skill than, say, a grill, but oh that tri-tip is good eating.

R Daneel
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R Daneel
11 months 24 days ago

You must be a Modern Man! WTF is that thing?

B. Durbin
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B. Durbin
11 months 20 days ago

It’s the result of watching Food Network too much. And having a hood on the stove that is essentially inoperable (stupid thing is a combo single unit that we can’t currently afford to replace.)

And I can’t be a Modern Man. I don’t have the equipment. :p

B. Durbin
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B. Durbin
11 months 20 days ago

More to the point, though, it’s TECH. “It’s not a proper job unless you need a new tool to finish it,” sometimes applies to food, too.

Michael Z. Williamson
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Michael Z. Williamson
11 months 11 days ago

Ah, the “foodie” elite have discovered the slow cooker.

guest
Guest
guest
11 months 26 days ago

Meh. I prefer beef rare, but I do not judge anyone for preferring the other tastes and textures that result from longer cooking times. The Romans had this one right: de gustibus non est disputandum. And I think they knew something about manhood.

BobtheRegisterredFool
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BobtheRegisterredFool
11 months 25 days ago
I. A man wealthy enough to ensure that shoes would fit someone who isn’t present is wealthy enough to have a slave do it for him. II A man is schooled in Rhetoric, so that he may convey the impression he wishes. III At the circus it will be harder to hear the words from the cheap seats anyway. IV de gustibus non est disputandum V A man wealthy enough to ride a horse through Rome has the entourage to take care of it while he conducts his business. VI A man punishes those who do not do their work,… Read more »
Joe in PNG
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Joe in PNG
11 months 21 days ago

alt XXV- A man takes his obligations as a Citizen of the Republic seriously, and is not found wanting in arms or skill when the Legions form.

BobtheRegisterredFool
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BobtheRegisterredFool
11 months 21 days ago

Few know more than I the flaws of what I did. This is a great alternative or addition, that is much better than some of my other answers.

John C Wright
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John C Wright
11 months 21 days ago
BobtheRegistrredFool
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BobtheRegistrredFool
11 months 21 days ago

You have both my permission and my appreciation for the complement.

I very much enjoyed your take on it. I may email you, as I had problems in the past registering on your site and gave up.

BobtheRegisterredFool
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BobtheRegisterredFool
11 months 21 days ago

You have my permission and my gratitude for the complement.

I appreciate yours. I may email you, rather than try again to register on your site.

Michael Z. Williamson
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Michael Z. Williamson
11 months 11 days ago

Sniff, sniff.

That is the most inspiring expression of manliness I have seen in a long time. I am weeping tears of exultation, that America may be saved yet.

Dave Mansfield
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Dave Mansfield
11 months 28 days ago

A-MF’in-MEN!

Signed an old-fashioned man

Kent Schmidt
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Kent Schmidt
11 months 28 days ago

Thank you, sir, for fisking this idiot. It’s too bad that, should he ever read this, he will burst into tears rather than consider the fact that he is indeed a pussy.

Mike Nonas
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Mike Nonas
11 months 28 days ago

I have said it before, but regarding 26, the times it is appropriate for a man to cry are:
A. Death of a loved one
B. Winning Olympic medal
C. End of Field of Dreams (Hey Dad, you wanna have a catch?)
I’ll stipulate to inordinate pride in children. Not having any, I can’t comment on it.

Steve Hubbard
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Steve Hubbard
11 months 28 days ago

You are also allowed to cry if you lose the Stanley Cup.

David Arnold
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David Arnold
11 months 28 days ago

D. Some doofus burns filet mignon

Joe in PNG
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Joe in PNG
11 months 28 days ago

D. End of “Band of Brothers”- the part with the interviews always gets me.

CombatMissionary
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CombatMissionary
11 months 27 days ago

F) We Were Soldiers when Mrs. Moore starts delivering death notifications to the wives in her husband’s Cav unit.

Mrs. Moore would probably club pajama boy like a baby seal and tell him to report to the nearest surgeon for an “add-a-pair-to-me”. And she’d probably do it from her rest home wheelchair.

TwoDogs
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TwoDogs
11 months 27 days ago

Forrest Gump, when he finds out Jenny’s boy is his and is normal (“smart”).

MAJ Arkay
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MAJ Arkay
11 months 26 days ago

Mrs. Moore died in 2004, but I’m sure she’d appreciate the compliment.

Jeff K
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Jeff K
11 months 27 days ago

E. At the funeral of a fellow vet when Taps sounds and/or a missing man formation passes overhead.

Tim Roeder
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Tim Roeder
11 months 25 days ago

Yep. Gets me every time. Especially since, as an American Legion Chaplain, I conduct many of these funerals…

Jen
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Jen
11 months 28 days ago
I accept these reasons but there are others that are still within the manly man code. Being a strong female who has to constantly resist the urge to throat punch namby pamby metrosexual douchcanoes, I would think no less of a man who cried upon the death of a parent or child, or shed a tear or two at his wedding when the love of his heart came down the aisle. There are some majorly emotional moments in life where only the most sociopathic or damaged human would not at least tear up. In fact, I have seen my manly… Read more »
Adam Lawson
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Adam Lawson
11 months 28 days ago

“namby pamby metrosexual douchcanoes”

Brian Lombardi is shorter to type.

Nohbody
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Nohbody
11 months 28 days ago

On the other hand, “Brian Lombardi” is likely to get the same response Starlord got from the goon at the start of the movie: “Who?”

TWS
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TWS
11 months 23 days ago

My wife pulls that one on me every damn time and I fall for it too. My son or grandkids come out and say, “I’m Starlord,” or “I’ve got Starlord”. Then she will say ‘who?’ and I will repeat ‘Starlord’ like an idiot.

Patrick Chester
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Patrick Chester
11 months 27 days ago

But hint: None of the three instances was because he missed out on the Black Friday sale at Barneys.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooo-wait, the what at what? 😉

RonF
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RonF
11 months 28 days ago

The end of ‘Old Yeller’

C. S. P. Schofield
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C. S. P. Schofield
11 months 28 days ago

I can think of at least one more. Anyone who doesn’t tear up when listening to the classical arrangement of FANFARE FOR THE COMMON MAN should be buried; they’re dead.

pdwalker
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pdwalker
11 months 28 days ago

Don’t forget the end of Old Yeller.

Chrismouse
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Chrismouse
11 months 28 days ago

Where the Red Fern Grows.

Technomad
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Technomad
11 months 28 days ago

How about at the end of _Black Hawk Down?_

Leah
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Leah
11 months 27 days ago

I’d say extreme pain also qualifies. you know… physical pain.

H.P.
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H.P.
11 months 26 days ago

No! Crying is only acceptable for emotional pain. Shouting and cursing, on the other hand, are fine.

Old Fashioned Man
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Old Fashioned Man
11 months 25 days ago

Physical pain? I’m unfamiliar with this term.

Were-Puppy
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Were-Puppy
11 months 25 days ago

With me that more becomes massive spewage of cursing, yelling, etc.

SJW75126
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SJW75126
11 months 27 days ago

Mike said:

“C. End of Field of Dreams (Hey Dad, you wanna have a catch?)”

That one’s good but for me the movie ending with the best tear jerker moment is from 1971:

“Now you honor me by giving me this award. But I say to you here now Brian Piccolo is the man who deserves the George S. Halas award. It is mine tonight… and Brian Piccolo’s tomorrow. “

Bugmaster
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Bugmaster
11 months 26 days ago

Don’t forget:
D. Cutting onions

USMC0369
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USMC0369
11 months 25 days ago

It is also perfectly respectable to cry at the end of “Old Yeller” and the birt of your child.

Khazlek
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Khazlek
11 months 25 days ago
I’d suggest we apply Larry’s advice here from some of the other items. It’s hard to say what will have the emotional impact to make someone cry, so I suggest we not catalog them all. How many times have you seen a Facebook post or a blog post contain the words, “it’s dusty in here”? In other words, the poster shed a tear or two, and is paying lip service to the notion that he shouldn’t have. I shed a brief tear or two when Neil Armstrong died. I think that’s as good a reason as a sad scene at… Read more »
Nathan McClellan
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Nathan McClellan
11 months 25 days ago

No, only if your children win the Olympic medal.

This is the officially licensed manly crying movies list:
1. Field of Dreams
2. Braveheart
3. any WW2 movie (Band of Bros, Saving Private Ryan, We Were Soldiers, etc)
4. Second-hand Lions
5. Old Yeller

jack burton
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jack burton
11 months 19 days ago

only a sociopath would not cry 15 minutes into the movie “Up”

AuricTech
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AuricTech
11 months 14 days ago

I’m surprised that those commenting on a science fiction writer’s blog don’t appear to have mentioned, in the course of two weeks, this movie scene as tear-worthy. Hint, I checked to see if anyone else had mentioned it by using Ctrl-F to search for “Khan.”

Chuck
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Chuck
11 months 19 days ago

The final 5 minutes of “Brian’s Song”.

jack burton
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jack burton
11 months 19 days ago

marriage of a daughter.

Jared Anjewierden
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Jared Anjewierden
11 months 28 days ago

Yeah… one of the foundational rules for being a man is something along the lines of “I don’t care what anyone says or thinks about me, or even their opinion on anything else, unless I GIVE them that right.”

Wife? I care what she thinks.
Mentor who has helped me for years? I care.
Random Hipster Dude? Keep on steppin oxford man.
Troll on the internet? Don’t make me laugh.
My religious leader? Yeah. Assuming it is about something religious. Probably still don’t care about his taste in music or books.

Will Murrell
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Will Murrell
11 months 28 days ago

Mic drop….Larry has left the stage.

Were-Puppy
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Were-Puppy
11 months 25 days ago

Mic Drop, WWE Style!

IAmDevinThomas
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IAmDevinThomas
11 months 28 days ago

I’m actually glad hipster dude wrote the original article, just so I could get a good laugh out of the Fisk

Señor Jefe
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Señor Jefe
11 months 26 days ago

Hipster wrote it because he had to, the way the little tree frogs imitate the big guys who won’t let them into the pond. Alas.

Aimee Morgan
Guest
Aimee Morgan
11 months 28 days ago

I want my not-quite-ten-year-old daughter to marry one of your sons. Don’t even care which one – Epic Toddler is a tad young for her, but she’ll enjoy being a cougar, and she already laughs at his mom’s stories. I fear that by the time my daughter grows to adulthood, all of the men she meets will be lumbersexual, man-bunned, pajama boys in over priced Kenneth Cole oxfords, and how in the heck is a loser like that going to keep her in jalapenos and ammo?

Cara Halvorson
Guest
Cara Halvorson
11 months 28 days ago

Can’t keep her in jalapenos and ammo? That would be a deal breaker for me, too!

Guest
WyrdBard
11 months 28 days ago

There are real men still out there. And most of them are raising their boys to be real men as well. She may have to look but they’ll be there (and usually running like crazy from the feminists so they’ll probably be available.)

Carbonel
Guest
Carbonel
11 months 28 days ago

We really want some kind of modern day Almack where the children who’ve been raised to eschew namby pamby metrosexual douchecanoes and their self-absorbed cluess slattern sisters can meet and socialize with prospective spouses.

Guest
Dave H
11 months 27 days ago

I suggest firearms training. People who go to training have common interests, they’re often there to learn how to defend others as well as themselves, and they’re humble enough to accept they -don’t- know it all. (Unlike some of the guys you meet at the open range.) And they don’t wet themselves when they hear a loud noise.

TRX
Guest
TRX
11 months 27 days ago

My wife watched an old episode of “The Rifleman” the other day. She said in the 21st century, Lucas McCain would probably be put in prison for a combination of negligence and child abuse.

Odd how rapidly cultural norms (appear to have) shifted…

SJW75126
Guest
SJW75126
11 months 27 days ago

I watched the Rifleman with my Dad who commented he didn’t understand how McCain was able to hit a blessed thing with the barrel jerking around like that.

USMC 0369
Guest
USMC 0369
11 months 25 days ago

There are plenty of real men still out here. They are too busy raising and providing for their families to whine about what the “modern man” should be. They are out there actually being real men, unlike this NYT writer.

Catherine
Guest
Catherine
11 months 26 days ago

Don’t worry. I have several nephews. We can work out an arrangement, lol. We are hardy stock. Even my niece plays safety for her middle school football team.

redleg
Guest
redleg
11 months 28 days ago

Oh snap.

Shrimp
Guest
Shrimp
11 months 28 days ago

“25 The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.”

“This is probably the stupidest one in the whole bunch. “

Not “probably.”
“Is.”
Just “is.”

MikeG
Guest
MikeG
11 months 28 days ago

Unless he’s schooled in the ancient art of melon baller fighting.
No…still stupid

Geekasaurus
Guest
Geekasaurus
11 months 27 days ago

I would modify the rule to: He owns a firearm, regularly practices and is safe with it, or has a damned good reason to not own one.

TheWriterInBlack
Guest
TheWriterInBlack
11 months 24 days ago

While I don’t think this is what the original author of the “27 ways to be a whiny pussy” article meant it this way, I just have to say I’m reminded of the line from Quiggly Down Under:

“Said I never had much use for one [a handgun]. Didn’t say I didn’t know how to use it.”

Jill Williamson
Guest
Jill Williamson
11 months 28 days ago

I knew I would laugh if I followed your blog, Larry. I laughed so hard I had to read this again to my husband. 🙂

Feo Amante
Guest
Feo Amante
11 months 28 days ago

The NYT article looks like it’s mocking current culture. Your Fisk looks like you’re satirizing mockery. And thus the world became meta.

James May
Guest
James May
11 months 28 days ago

Phone battery running low? Damn the torpedoes. I am made of sterner stuff. Alexander conquered Persia with a low battery and almost no reception.

Aaron
Guest
Aaron
11 months 25 days ago

The 300 had low bandwidth…less than 3G!! Lol!

TWS
Guest
TWS
11 months 23 days ago

Text anybody you need to now, for tonight we dine in a place with very poor cell reception.

JC
Guest
JC
11 months 28 days ago

Poe’s Law strikes again!

Señor Jefe
Guest
Señor Jefe
11 months 26 days ago

Sorry, but NYT doesn’t deal in self-mockery. They mock others as a sign of disrespect for those with whom they fundamentally disagree. Alas.

Eric
Guest
Eric
11 months 28 days ago

Lovely. I think the Leviticus joke was the best.

However, on #16, I’m not sure how the wife is supposed to escape through the same door the intruder is currently standing in front of. He’s saying I have to wrestle the man out of the way so she has a clear shot out of the room? Otherwise, the only escape is out the window and a 15′ drop to the pavement.

And he’s showing his oppressive patriarchy in #9. How dare he assign some arbitrary gender to his offspring? 😉

TWS
Guest
TWS
11 months 23 days ago

How dare he assign some arbitrary gender to his offspring?

Abortion? ewwww.

Alpheus
Guest
Alpheus
11 months 22 days ago

Of course, a Real Man sleeps at the edge of the bed, at his wife’s feet, because you don’t know if the intruder will be coming in through the door, or through the window.

And heaven help the Real Man who sleeps in a room with windows on two different walls, and doors on two other walls!

Lee
Guest
Lee
11 months 28 days ago

I am oh so hoping the old fashioned man can drive a manual transmission vehicle.

JC
Guest
JC
11 months 28 days ago

With a 3 in the tree.

KHorn
Guest
KHorn
11 months 27 days ago
We taught all of our kids how to drive a standard even though the only one we ever owned is my ’59 Apache (inherited from my Dad). My elder son is now an officer with a major city police force and he jokes that the best car security system is to have a standard transmission. A while back they had a scene with an abandoned car with a standard and keys in the ignition blocking a major intersection and the first three officers on the scene, including a sergeant, couldn’t move it. My son and his partner pull up, he… Read more »
Khazlek
Guest
Khazlek
11 months 25 days ago
I can drive stick, but I haven’t done so since 1999, and it wasn’t an everyday thing even then. Times change. I have been in one car with a three-in-a-tree shifter, and it was ancient at then. I don’t know how to drive one. I’ve also never learned to hand-cut a hardback book, or drive a mule team. A man learns to use the tools he has need to use. Manuals transmissions are a funny case because they haven’t gone away as rapidly as other stuff, because there are a few situations where they may be more suitable. If I… Read more »
hoosiertoo
Guest
hoosiertoo
11 months 25 days ago

3 on the tree, 4 (or more) on the floor or 1 down/4 (or more) up, in the case of my motorcycles. Manuals are easy and much more fun than autos.

Grendel
Guest
Grendel
11 months 28 days ago

I also only know about Wu-Tang Clan from the Chappelle show.

James May
Guest
James May
11 months 28 days ago

They’re a rap group that took their name from old kung-fu movies they liked.

Stan Bundy
Guest
Stan Bundy
11 months 28 days ago

You want a good laugh – look for the Wu Tang song “Shame on a Nigga” made into a “My Little Pony” music video…. Probably the best lip sync I’ve ever seen on a video made to found footage.

jic
Guest
jic
11 months 28 days ago

Ghostface Killah did that with *Speed Racer* on the video for *Daytona 500* 19 years ago.

19 years ago? Holy crap, I’m old.

Joe in PNG
Guest
Joe in PNG
11 months 27 days ago

The “My Little Pony” version of “Straight Outta Compton” is likewise hilarious.

TRX
Guest
TRX
11 months 27 days ago

I don’t know what a Chappelle is. And I figure that’s a good thing.

Leah
Guest
Leah
11 months 27 days ago

you are missing out. back when Dave Chappelle was still doing comedy – it was pure, hilarious gold.

James May
Guest
James May
11 months 27 days ago

Not really. His vulgar STD skit done in Sesame Street style is hilarious.

Señor Jefe
Guest
Señor Jefe
11 months 26 days ago

Who is Chappelle? Is he part of that clan too?

Gibreaux
Guest
Gibreaux
11 months 25 days ago

Well, in one of Chappelle’s most funny skits he is in A clan. I couldn’t say WHICH clan he is in, but it isn’t the WuTang Clan.

Mary Thornell
Guest
Mary Thornell
11 months 28 days ago

I think the Pajama Boy author of this article needs to wring his maxi-pad out. It reeks of the girls gym and estrogen. Yick.

Mike
Guest
Mike
11 months 28 days ago

Forwarded to the boys.

Bryce
Guest
Bryce
11 months 28 days ago

Thanks for that! I have been hoping to see that since yesterday. I do believe that they call that a “Mic drop”.

Faceh
Guest
Faceh
11 months 28 days ago

I want to view this as some intricate satire so that I can still think that the author might have meant to inspire laughter in his audience.

I just can’t. This list is such an odd assortment of finicky ‘advice’ that I have to assume he pretty much just wrote things that applied only to him and somehow convinced himself it was publish-worthy.

Joe in PNG
Guest
Joe in PNG
11 months 28 days ago

There’s a hipster irony component, a bit of a meta-joke in the first part regarding gender roles and like for those who have taken classes in semiotics and literature deconstruction.

Bruce
Guest
Bruce
11 months 28 days ago

Re #8: A real man doesn’t even know WTF gauche is. Is that like some kind of French goose-shit cracker spread or something?

“Besides, I’m betting this New York Times reporter smells of lilacs… and shame.”
Funniest thing ever said.

Adam Lawson
Guest
Adam Lawson
11 months 28 days ago

I wasn’t sure what a melon baller was. I just assumed it was something designed to help take the core out of an avocado or similar annoyingly-cored fruit.

jic
Guest
jic
11 months 28 days ago

The name didn’t tip you off?

Adam Lawson
Guest
Adam Lawson
11 months 27 days ago

I’ve never actually seen someone take the time to make melon bits into perfect spheres.

Usually I just cut them up.

Khazlek
Guest
Khazlek
11 months 25 days ago

You have to waste a fair bit of fruit if you do that.

Khazlek
Guest
Khazlek
11 months 25 days ago

I mean use the melon-baller, not cut them up.

AuricTech
Guest
AuricTech
11 months 27 days ago

It’s what you use to turn cantaloupes into the melon equivalent of steers. Keeps ’em docile.

Synova
Guest
Synova
11 months 26 days ago

A melon baller is something you buy at a Pampered Chef home party, put in a drawer and forget about.

But don’t feel bad… I had no living clue what “the little spoon” was.

Feather Blade
Guest
Feather Blade
11 months 25 days ago

You use them to scoop out really tiny blobs of cookie dough.

Khazlek
Guest
Khazlek
11 months 25 days ago

As I recall, Alton Brown considers them generally useful implements, but not for use on melons.

Khazlek
Guest
Khazlek
11 months 25 days ago

Well, yes that is the sort of thing they are good for, though avacados aren’t really a good example. You whack those with a knife and twist.

CombatMissionary
Guest
CombatMissionary
11 months 27 days ago

I actually had to look that up.

Guest
Dave H
11 months 27 days ago

My wife used the word “gauche” a few times. From context I think it means “whatever that other woman is wearing.”

Kevin Findley
Guest
Kevin Findley
11 months 26 days ago

So gauche translates as “looks like a hooker”?

Leah
Guest
Leah
11 months 27 days ago

oh I don’t know… there’s nothing wrong with having extensive vocabulary – doesn’t make you any less manly.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/gauche

its the way writer used it though… that was just sad

Bear
Guest
Bear
11 months 26 days ago

Hm.

Depends how much specific pride is taken in that extensive vocabulary….and whether the man is capable of successfully judging the room when using it.

Otherwise he’s just another pretentious twot.

Khazlek
Guest
Khazlek
11 months 25 days ago

I don’t think I know anyone who uses that word unironically. I sometimes hear “how gauche” when the intent is to mock the sort of person who wrote this thing in the first place. That probably accounts for 90% of the time I hear it. In the other 10%, it’s in the context of main-gauche, the left-hand knife, used in two-weapon dueling. Since the word originates with the French for left, it seems like the NYT ought to be more in favor of it :-).

Khazlek
Guest
Khazlek
11 months 25 days ago

Isn’t it the knife that goes in your weak hand?

Tony Taddeo
Guest
Tony Taddeo
11 months 28 days ago

This cupcake Lombardi forgot one: #28: The Modern Man never has to hear his wife complain about him leaving the seat up because he pees sitting down.

B. Durbin
Guest
B. Durbin
11 months 26 days ago

It’s a moot point. The LID stays down to keep pets out, things from falling in, and to slow down inquisitive toddlers. Also to keep germs from spraying all over when you flush. Besides, WHY do people think that looks good? Even chamber pots used to have lids.

dgarsys
Guest
dgarsys
11 months 28 days ago

Damn.

A real man lets other men eat what they want and isn’t a self-righteous prick about it.

Reminds me of the Pournelle anecdote where Niven (IIRC) was asked about “Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche” and Niven responded “Real men eat whatever they damn well please”

Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.
I have daughters as well. I actually agree with this one.

I’d say it’s a factor of having kids, period. But hey, Pajama boy has to show he’s all grrrrrrllll power.

Jen
Guest
Jen
11 months 28 days ago

My 11 y/o daughter would consider this guy to be a sissy. Only because she isn’t old enough to call him a pussy.

Adam Lawson
Guest
Adam Lawson
11 months 28 days ago

It’s okay, I’m pretty sure the Lombardi kids aren’t actually his…

Bibliotheca Servare
Guest
Bibliotheca Servare
11 months 27 days ago

Oh…OUCH. Or did you mean he adopted? *kidding* But yeah…ouch.

Adam Lawson
Guest
Adam Lawson
11 months 27 days ago

That whole birds and bees thing doesn’t work when you’re the crying, little spoon.

Alpheus
Guest
Alpheus
11 months 22 days ago

“Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person.”

The thing that annoys me about this statement, is that people generally don’t get a choice in whether they get sons or daughters. Since I have both, I know that having sons is different from having daughters…but I also know of people who have all sons, and all daughters. Are the former permanently banned from Real Manhood because the genetic lottery came out the way it did? I somehow doubt it…

Robert Evans
Guest
Robert Evans
11 months 28 days ago

I think that the entire article was written to justify including #25 (gun control) for propaganda purposes.

Stephen St. Onge
Guest
Stephen St. Onge
11 months 28 days ago

AGREED.

jic
Guest
jic
11 months 28 days ago

Nah, it’s just signalling. The guy is writing in the *New York Times*, most of his core audience already thinks guns are icky.

ConceptJunkie
Guest
ConceptJunkie
11 months 21 days ago

Indeed. He probably would have evoked howls of protest had he left it out.

Frankly, I’m surprised that he didn’t suggest that a real man isn’t afraid to admit he has a female soul, dress up in drag and get hormone therapy.

Joey Curry
Guest
Joey Curry
11 months 28 days ago

I like his answer to 17. Basically comes out as My sons, when you grow up, if you want to uniformly shape cantaloupes, I will not judge you, but I will judge myself”.

Joe in PNG
Guest
Joe in PNG
11 months 27 days ago

Well, if they get into cooking, or into Thai cooking… but that’s not really melon baller stuff. That’s serious knife work, and knife skills are always a good thing, as is a really well made Tom Yam soup.

Khazlek
Guest
Khazlek
11 months 25 days ago
I was a little puzzled by Larry’s response here. Is he down on men learning to cook, or he is criticizing the sort of cookery in which you artfully arrange spheres of melon as overly froo-froo? I saw Larry’s posts about feeding the kids while Mom was away, and I was trying to decide if he was exaggerating his kitchen incompetence for humor’s sake or if it really was a face-palm moment. Iv’e never once thought that I really need to cut mellons into little spheres, but men should know how to cook. Acquiring kitchen knives, keep good edges on… Read more »
junior
Guest
junior
11 months 28 days ago

Hooray! I get to read and laugh at the complete list without giving the NYT any clicks!

Shadowdancer
Guest
Shadowdancer
11 months 28 days ago
I have serious doubts about the supposed manliness of the ‘modern man’ portrayed in the original list. Hell, I’m not sure I know of any WOMEN who would consider this a list to follow, so I am quite baffled as to who considers this proper behavior. In no particular order… 1) My husband knows better than to buy shoes for me, even if he knows my size. He’s not stupid. 2)My kids know to keep their own devices charged. The boyo’s mp3 player may need a new battery however. 3) We rarely go out to the movie theatre because it’s… Read more »
JC
Guest
JC
11 months 28 days ago

#1? Really, if the wife comes in all proud and says “Look at this venison I bought, now you don’t have to go hunting”, would that make you happy?

junior
Guest
junior
11 months 28 days ago

?

You’re replying to “the wife”…

towerclimber37
Guest
towerclimber37
11 months 28 days ago

you sound like a healthy, well adjusted family! unlike the feather merchant who wrote the original article.

jic
Guest
jic
11 months 27 days ago

“6) Local slang for Chinooks is “Chook”, but that’s Aussies for you.”

I thought in Australia a chook was a chicken?

naleta
Guest
naleta
11 months 27 days ago

That’s what I thought, too….

recumbent driver
Guest
recumbent driver
11 months 26 days ago

Chook your chicken.

The Phantom
Guest
The Phantom
11 months 26 days ago

It’s hard to be the little spoon when you’re 6′ and the Mrs. is 5’2″.

I always envy men with tall wives for this reason. It’s fun being the little spoon once in a while.

Sara the Red
Guest
Sara the Red
11 months 25 days ago

Speaking as an almost-6-foot woman…I wish more men felt like that. I’ve known far too many who get twitchy about me being as tall/taller… 😀

Guest
Dave H
11 months 25 days ago

Size doesn’t matter to me. I think confidence is what makes a person attractive. Genuine confidence, not the judgmental bravado that an insecure coward hides behind. (Finding an example is left as an exercise for the reader.)

The Phantom
Guest
The Phantom
11 months 22 days ago

1) Women are hot. Tall, short, who cares?

2) As evidenced by the Fisk-ee, Pajama Boy, a large number of men these days are useless wankers. He seems like the type to get twitchy over a woman with height and biceps.

3) Tall women are awesome because they can carry one end of the canoe on a portage during camping trips. ~:)

Achillea
Guest
Achillea
11 months 22 days ago

5’11” here. Preach it, sister.

Russell Newquist
Guest
Russell Newquist
11 months 28 days ago

“Now kids, listen carefully. If you’ve got a friggin’ clue, you know that a phone is just another tool, and if you’re going to carry the stupid thing around, you might as well have it charged, that way if you need it to call 911 after you see this Pajama Boy get beaten up for insulting Mountain Dew drinkers you’re ready. ”

An uncharged cell phone is the only thing I can think of that might – MIGHT, mind you – be more useless than an unloaded gun.

Kuma
Guest
Kuma
11 months 28 days ago

“An uncharged cell phone is the only thing I can think of that might – MIGHT, mind you – be more useless than an unloaded gun.”

Nope. New York Times Reporter is top of that list.

Mike
Guest
Mike
11 months 25 days ago

FTFY: “Nope. ‘Guardian’ Reporter is top of that list.”

Kevin P.
Guest
Kevin P.
11 months 28 days ago

This is the one where I thought “Hmm, call 911? Screw that, I need to record it to show my wife later… After all, he did ask for it. Maybe he’ll get the hint to not insult Mountain Dew drinkers.”

jic
Guest
jic
11 months 27 days ago

“An uncharged cell phone is the only thing I can think of that might – MIGHT, mind you – be more useless than an unloaded gun.”

I’m old-fashioned enough that I carry a little old Nokia non-smartphone (well, it’s Symbian, but that’s the same thing these days) attached to a lanyard. If I was forced to defend myself, it would actually make a pretty effective ‘slung shot’.

Feather Blade
Guest
Feather Blade
11 months 25 days ago

Depends on how much of it you have to take apart to get at the burnable components, now doesn’t it ^_^.

Alpheus
Guest
Alpheus
11 months 22 days ago

Charged? Heck, I learned a lesson several months ago, about keeping your minutes charged (I have pay-as-you-go). I was waiting at a bus stop late that night, tired and wanting a ride to pick up my van from the shop, unable to send texts because I figured that I could recharge in another week or two and be fine.

I bought minutes as soon as I got home, if I recall correctly, and I’ve been careful with my minutes since then.

Bryan Keller
Guest
Bryan Keller
11 months 28 days ago

Outstanding Mr. Correia! Outstanding indeed!

Brett Cashman
Guest
Brett Cashman
11 months 28 days ago

Having met you, now, and listened to you speak, I believe I can say with confidence that the risk of your sons turning into goony hipster douche balloons is approximately zero.

Cannibalistic heavy-metal rednecks, on the other hand…

JackWylder
Guest
JackWylder
11 months 28 days ago

Hey! The whole cannibalistic/reaver thing with Correia the Younger was taken WAY out of context…

Kevin P.
Guest
Kevin P.
11 months 28 days ago

If they don’t form a heavy metal band named Cabbage Point Killing Machine as teenagers, I’m going to be terribly disappointed.

ConceptJunkie
Guest
ConceptJunkie
11 months 21 days ago

I suggest the risk is about -0.10 to account for any uncertainty, i.e., -10% plus or minus 5%.

Cara Halvorson
Guest
Cara Halvorson
11 months 28 days ago

The answer to #25 is my favorite from a fisk ever! But, dude, I have a flared up hip and bending over in laughter like that fraking hurts. So worth it, though! 😀

Sam F
Guest
Sam F
11 months 28 days ago

Remind me to add a melon baller to my combat load

Richard McEnroe
Guest
Richard McEnroe
11 months 28 days ago

Can I get a tactical melon-baller from Cheaper Than Dirt? Or should I just fake it with my Russian Ammo Can Opener?

Guest
Sabrina Chase
11 months 28 days ago

“tactical” just means “spray paint matte black and charge $20 more”. Oh, and a little skull decal if you are feeling festive. I’m sure you can retro-tac a melon-baller 😀

Brett Cashman
Guest
Brett Cashman
11 months 28 days ago

That’s tacticool, not tactical. Tactical would involve velcro and dip.

Mousekt
Guest
Mousekt
11 months 26 days ago

And a camo net, if you ask any officer I’ve ever met.

Kristophr
Guest
Kristophr
11 months 28 days ago

I hear you can dye the new Magpul melon ballers any color you want.

CarlosT
Guest
CarlosT
11 months 28 days ago

Picatinny rail mounted melon baller. So you can uniformly shape melons after a dynamic entry.

Ben Warren
Guest
Ben Warren
11 months 28 days ago

Yes, but you’ve got to buy the one made by Kitchenaide, not Cuisinart. Cuisineart makes theirs from cheap plastic, and the KeyMod attachment rattles loose after a few shots.

Synova
Guest
Synova
11 months 28 days ago

You people do all realize that the tactical kilt started out as a joke? I can just see tactical melon-ballers becoming a “thing” this Christmas.

Andrew
Guest
Andrew
11 months 28 days ago

Troop: “What the hell do I need a melon baller for?”
Smart Troop: “I can make you a tactical melon baller for another 30 bucks.”

Bibliotheca Servare
Guest
Bibliotheca Servare
11 months 27 days ago

See now I have to go Google tactical kilt. If I dir laughing, I blame you…or maybe Larry… *chortle*

Bibliotheca Servare
Guest
Bibliotheca Servare
11 months 27 days ago

Die laughing. Damn thumbs…

richard mcenroe
Guest
richard mcenroe
11 months 26 days ago

If you’ve got melon balls I don’t think a tactical kilt will hang right…

DaveP.
Guest
DaveP.
11 months 27 days ago

Screw this “Tactical” nonsense…. tell me where I can find a STRATEGIC melon baller, and we’ll have something going on!

Kristophr
Guest
Kristophr
11 months 27 days ago

The Air Force is already seeking funding for one. They will cost $100M each, and employ people in ten different congressional districts.

But they won’t handle ain’t to ground better than the A-10, regardless.

Bruce
Guest
Bruce
11 months 25 days ago

Titanium. It needs to be made out of titanium too.

Khazlek
Guest
Khazlek
11 months 24 days ago

Titanium expands significantly with temperature, so titanium, strategic melon ballers have to be engineered to be somewhat smaller than acceptable melon ball size, so that they will expand to the correct size at high mach.

Mike in seattle
Guest
Mike in seattle
11 months 27 days ago

Careful. You could put an eye out with that thing.

Joe in PNG
Guest
Joe in PNG
11 months 27 days ago

With care, yes.

Mom
Guest
Mom
11 months 27 days ago

If you use it properly, yes.

CombatMissionary
Guest
CombatMissionary
11 months 27 days ago

Were Cookie Monster’s actions in Beirut why the Geneva Conventions now outlaw serrated-tooth melonballers?

Were-Puppy
Guest
Were-Puppy
11 months 25 days ago

I recall my mom had a grapefruit spoon set that was tiny serrated-tooth spoons 😛

Were-Puppy
Guest
Were-Puppy
11 months 25 days ago

Now that I think about it, you could probably use a melon baller to remove a bad guys eye.

Michael Doornbos
Guest
Michael Doornbos
11 months 28 days ago

I’m framing this over our fireplace.

T.
Guest
T.
11 months 28 days ago

Wu-Tang, mellonballers, and apple doughnuts? How is this not satire?

Dick Besser
Guest
Dick Besser
11 months 28 days ago

Dear Larry, I stole your last paragraph to #25. It so closely resembled Obama and his ilk. I just couldn’t resist.

Ben Warren
Guest
Ben Warren
11 months 28 days ago

Speaking as a man who has used a melon baller before, don’t bother. If the cantaloupe/watermelon/honeydew is good, you’re wasting good melon. If the melon is bad enough that you don’t mind wasting half of it, you might as well eat something else.

And if you’re such an obnoxious pedant that the melon /has/ to be divided equally, I recommend a juicer and a measuring cup.

Bob Cruze Jr.
Guest
Bob Cruze Jr.
11 months 28 days ago

I don’t know who this Brian Lombardi is, but she sure sounds bossy…

Difster
Guest
Difster
11 months 28 days ago

Absolutely superb!

Jay
Guest
Jay
11 months 28 days ago

Arr
. Give’em another broad side captain!

John
Guest
John
11 months 28 days ago
See, you did better than I would have. I just would have typed “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” until my fingers fell off. Unless he was in the room. Then there would be the sound of hands going upside heads. He is like those twats who tell you how to use Twitter or why HTML evil is wrong, or the phone you’re using is bad. Just shut the fuck up. Eat what you want. Use what you want. You don’t like mountain dew? great. You love it? great. Like guns? great. Don’t like guns? great. Just shut the fuck up about… Read more »
Miguel
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Miguel
11 months 28 days ago

That is gonna leave a mark. 😀

Shawna
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Shawna
11 months 28 days ago

“Boys, the single most important responsibility of a man is to provide for the safety and well-being of his loved ones. Period. The gun is simply the single most effective tool to stop a violent aggressor. Real men understand that. Which is why I’ve also taught you, your sisters, and your mom to shoot, so if I go down, you still have a chance.”

This. This is what real women want from their men. If a woman doesn’t appreciate this about you, go find a real woman. We’re out there.

Richard McEnroe
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Richard McEnroe
11 months 28 days ago

Melon balling ain’t that big a deal. You just gotta cut a small starter hole in the rind unless you got really high blood pressure.

trackback

[…] Doesn’t matter. Larry Correia has stepped forward for an epic fisking which you must drop whatever else you were doing and read […]

Roy "Griff" Griffis
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Roy "Griff" Griffis
11 months 28 days ago

Hot damn, that was the 50-gallon drum of whoopass that Larry opened. PajamaBoy is too tightly curled into a fetal position to even be able to spoon with T-Bone.

Lance
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Lance
11 months 28 days ago

Great rebuttal, Larry.
Haven’t seen you since the Fuzzy Bunny Movie Guns days.

STW
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STW
11 months 28 days ago

I have purchased my wife shoes. I could do this because she wrote brand, style, model, color, and size on a piece of paper and I was able to hand it to a clerk and say, “this.” A real man is not afraid to ask his wife to make a list.

Richard McEnroe
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Richard McEnroe
11 months 28 days ago

I have to on occasion go into the craft shop when my wife’s legs are acting up and she can’t walk around to shop. I head straight to the customer service desk and say, “My wife has instructed me to say exactly the following…”

Mike
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Mike
11 months 25 days ago

See the dialogue between the married couple in RAH’s short, ‘It’s Great To Be Back!’.

Alpheus
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Alpheus
11 months 22 days ago

In my experience, even if I know exactly what I want, I find it still a bad idea to send someone to get it: they usually return with something that isn’t quite what I wanted…

Buying shoes, or even clothing, can be finicky; I don’t like shopping even for myself, because sometimes (even when I’m careful) I don’t get the size right! Shopping for someone else can make it even more difficult…

Cadeyrn
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Cadeyrn
11 months 28 days ago
That… was spectacular. Also, when are you going to write the book on the Many Reasons Why Real Men Won’t Tell You How To Be A Real Man (and the best ways to do it yourself)? It can have lots of interesting chapters like “Develop a sense of humor” because women prefer you to laugh about it when the children fling rocks through your widescreen television rather than murdering the little rats. Or maybe “Learn a few real-world skills” such as unloading a gun and rendering it safe, organizing tools in a garage or maybe even using the tools to… Read more »
Alpheus
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Alpheus
11 months 22 days ago

I’d recommend “The Art of Manliness”. It’s because of this blog that I now carry handkerchiefs.

Mike Carpenter
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Mike Carpenter
11 months 28 days ago

To Brian Lombardi:
Kenneth Cole? Allen Edmonds, please. And they’ll give you the shoehorn.

Also, I’ll keep my guns, thank you. I tend to buy my pants a size larger than I need so that I can always keep one handy.

GunPatent
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GunPatent
11 months 28 days ago

My version of this is similar, and we seem to agree on most of this:
https://www.facebook.com/gunpatentlawyer/posts/1047580085282364

Arwen
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Arwen
11 months 28 days ago

Yeah. Color me unimpressed with manhood according to NYT.

MAJMike
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MAJMike
11 months 28 days ago

What the Hell do I care about the opinion of some metrosexual at the Neu Yawk Slimes? This 11Bravo makes his own style choices and has never bought his wife shoes.

Michael Maier
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Michael Maier
11 months 28 days ago

Thank you, Larry. I read the NYT link first and thought “This is so blessedly awful that I cannot see any reason for Larry to prison-rape it. But this was a fun read.

Wynonna Juggs
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Wynonna Juggs
11 months 28 days ago

LMAO !!! I am a Drag Queen and I am more of a man than these new age hipster pansy men !!

Adam Lawson
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Adam Lawson
11 months 28 days ago
Larry — thank you. I’d been intending to fisk this but hadn’t had the time, and I couldn’t have done near the job you did. I agree with you on all points, but one note: Oxfords are one of the traditional styles of dress shoe for wearing a suit; I like them in that circumstance as they have a timeless classic style to them (think Bogart — ie, a real man dressed nice). However, this guy’s oxfords are probably some “gauche” style and color that clash with his yoga pants. He is a simpering wuss, through and through, and comes… Read more »
Mike in seattle
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Mike in seattle
11 months 27 days ago

I wear my damned boots with my suit, not oxfords. Not my problem if that gets someone’s mellonballer in a twist.

Joe in PNG
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Joe in PNG
11 months 27 days ago

I wear the traditional footwear of my culture*- leather boat shoes with no socks. Fits in with our traditional former dress of shorts and one’s best tropical shirt.

*Florida

Adam Lawson
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Adam Lawson
11 months 27 days ago

That works, too. I’m not the type to dictate to another man what to wear with a suit.

Just wanted to clarify, since they are sort of a classic look (but again, I doubt the NYT wuss wears classic looking anything).

James May
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James May
11 months 28 days ago

The Times piece is suspiciously like a satire that might’ve run in The New Yorker in 1927, using subtle jabs to show what’s left of the modern emasculated male. Other than being a receptacle for femininity, the man’s sole connection to his past dominance is reduced to chin-out spur-of-the-moment parking decisions made with the nonchalance of not caring how far one needs to walk any more than Lewis and Clark did. This could’ve been written by Edgar Rice Burroughs.

Cadeyrn
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Cadeyrn
11 months 28 days ago

Possibly, but wouldn’t it have been simultaneously more cutting and more direct? For example:

The Modern Man prefers not to make decisions which can be held against him later. Deferring and deflecting decision making is a primary modern skill.

The Modern Man understands when his significant other prefers to use a mechanical aid rather than to make love to them as it is more efficient and less messy.

James May
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James May
11 months 28 days ago

Not really. The bit about having a daughter making a man a more complete person is pretty clearly a satirical jab at feminist supremacy. Do you ever hear anyone saying having a son makes a woman a more complete person? It is presumed that would never be the case; women already are complete. This is Dagwood Bumstead stuff.

Randy P.
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Randy P.
11 months 25 days ago

“Do you ever hear anyone saying having a son makes a woman a more complete person?”

Well, there was that one woman who wrote an article saying if she could do her life over she would abort her children and live more for herself.

That’s about as close to motherly affection for boys as progs get.

SolusEquitem
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SolusEquitem
11 months 28 days ago
Most of these are simply pretentious twaddle from a coddled and self-absorbed hipster hoplophobe. And speaking of idiot hoplophobes(redundancy much?) #25 is such a magnificent piece of pathetic idiocy that I wonder how the author is capable of pulling his pants (no doubt very tight fitting, having no testicles helps prevent any pain and the lack of blood reaching the head is nullified by the lack of any receiving organ residing therein) on without assistance from a kind medical professional. Somebody breaks into my home with malice and/or murder in mind and there will be one story (mine), one body… Read more »
CarlosT
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CarlosT
11 months 24 days ago

.9mm! You don’t hold anything back, do you! How many rounds does that magazine hold, 10,000?

Murgy
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Murgy
11 months 22 days ago

Robert Parker’s Spenser used a 410 shotgun once, and Stuart Wood’s main character had a .762 handgun. James Patterson still believes you have a slide safety (that you flick off) on all Glocks. Craig Johnson did, in his first book, but he got better. Sort of.

Solus is allowed one error. But his wiregun had better have explosive tips to have any stopping power, IMHO. 😀

richard mcenroe
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richard mcenroe
10 months 17 days ago

I believe Spenser was 12 at the time in the novel.

AuricTech
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AuricTech
10 months 17 days ago

A .9mm projectile with a mass of 1 grain, traveling at a speed of 13,500 fps, would give a muzzle energy of about 405 ft-lbs, which is well within spec for 9x19mm muzzle energy. That’s only Mach 2.5+…. 😉

Yeah, wiregun, but it shouldn’t need explosive tips at that muzzle velocity. I have no idea how much a .9mm round projectile would actually mass, but this gives us a ballpark idea of what the muzzle velocity would need to be for a round of that caliber to be useful.

Scott
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Scott
11 months 28 days ago

There’s something amusing about reading this fisking while listening to Elvis singing How Great Thou Art and The Impossible Dream. Impossible Dream in particular is funny because that is every bit of manhood this guy doesn’t have.

Kevin Findley
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Kevin Findley
11 months 28 days ago

This idiot article should be the definition of click bait. As pointed out, the NYT (like most newspapers) is bleeding readers and therefore, ad revenue. Posting this piece of crap is only meant to drive angry, real men (and the women who put up with us) to read it and therefore drive up clicks so their marketing department has at least one positive item to show in their pitch.

Adam Reeve
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Adam Reeve
11 months 28 days ago

This needs to be an audiobook.

Larry, have you thought about publishing a collection of your Fisks? They’re as satisfying to read as your fight scenes.

Wes S.
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Wes S.
11 months 28 days ago
Regarding #15: If Putzley there is stamping around on his hardwood floors in his Kenneth Cole oxfords all the time, he obviously has some real anger issues. I’m sure his kids know full what kinds of moods he has . . . and are keeping their distance. “Uh-oh, Danny, Daddy’s in one of his *redrum* moods again. Better hide before he makes you TAKE YOUR MEDICINE.” Dude, this is like “The Shining,” but with little spoons and melon ballers. This might be the one coherent thing the guy’s written all week, besides 500 pages of “All work and no play… Read more »
Jen
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Jen
11 months 28 days ago
I know Shadowdancer already did this her way, but as one of the founding members of Larry’s “Don’t Fuck With The Chicks That Read My Books Club”, here’s my take. 1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small. No. Dear lord, no. Never. I don’t even let him buy me socks. 2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is. Which is shitty… Read more »
Synova
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Synova
11 months 26 days ago
Just thinking about the “helicopter” vs. “chopper” thing… using jargon is a fine line to walk and when in doubt it’s always a good idea to use the proper name so you don’t sound like a dufus. Even if you use terms *correctly* you’re probably going to sound like a dufus if you aren’t a member of the group that “owns” the particular jargon. (ie, adults who try to use teenager slang.) This has nothing to do with being a modern man, or even a modern woman… it’s just… actually, it’s something that most people who aren’t dufuses instinctively understand.
Khazlek
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Khazlek
11 months 23 days ago

Yeah, I don’t refer to aircraft and satellites as “birds” because I’m not steeped in the community that uses that slang. “Chopper” has pretty much entered common usage though, so it’s not quite the same.

Synova
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Synova
11 months 26 days ago

Oh, and I feel you on #20… once I figured out what the ever living heck the “little spoon” was… you know how the military guys say it’s not gay if you’re sleeping in the field and it’s 20 below zero? This is how I feel about “spooning”. The rest of the time it’s all… omg, hot moist human get away… no really… I’ll put my foot on your calf and you can hold my hand and we’re good…

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Dave H
11 months 25 days ago

Waste not, want not. And Irish Spring makes me sneeze.

Ditto. How can people breathe with that “fresh scent” on them? Fresh scent of what? There’s nothing in nature that smells like that. I have Ivory in the shower and Lava at the sink. When a bar gets too small to use, I get out a fresh bar and lay the old one on top of it. Eventually they meld together into a single bar. Waste not, want not.

JD
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JD
11 months 28 days ago

Everyone knows #17 should be: One does not NEED a Melon baller, because one uses a Samurai sword or Sharp Knife of choice to CARVE his melons into uniform cubes.

Brett Cashman
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Brett Cashman
11 months 28 days ago

My feeling on this is that melon tastes exactly the same regardless of what shape it’s cut into, so I’m not going to waste a precious moment of my life prettifying the shit. I quarter it lengthwise and then carve it into slices, and anybody in my household who doesn’t like it doesn’t have to eat it.

If the modern man does otherwise, the modern man has too much fucking time on his hands and/or needs a good punch in the throat.

BobtheRegisterredFool
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BobtheRegisterredFool
11 months 27 days ago

Also, spheres do not pack into the shape of melon meat without extra material. It is wasteful.

I do sometimes eat half or a quarter of a watermelon, starting by tunneling in with a spoon.

Adam
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Adam
11 months 23 days ago

The best use for a melon baller is to scoop the seeds out of a cucumber when making cucumber boats for the kids

NotModernWoman
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NotModernWoman
11 months 28 days ago

Being a woman, I cannot claim to be an expert on “what makes a man a man”. But I can with complete confidence state what I find to be a total turn off in a man, and I think this Modern Man just named pretty much all of my biggest turn offs.

Ratus
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Ratus
11 months 28 days ago

I hope I’m not the only one who when they got to number 17 they thought of this line from Scrubs “…and I’m trying to convince my mom that the thing in my suitcase is a giant electric melon-baller!”

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Marlon M.
11 months 28 days ago

You smug lil’ whipper-snappers. Men only cry at movies like Field of Dreams, Band of Brothers, etc.?

Two words: Old. Yeller.

richard mcenroe
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