Monster Hunter Nation

Fisking the New York Times’ Modern Man

More like modern pajama boy man-child. This New York Times article is so remarkably stupid that it has already been mocked across the entire internet.  However, as a manly man of manliness, it is my responsibility to address this piece of fuckwittery. The same way that as a professional working writer I am compelled to respond to stupid writing advice that might otherwise screw up aspiring authors, I have to Fisk this.

See, I have two sons. As a father, it is my duty to point out really stupid shit, so they can avoid becoming goony hipster douche balloons. So boys, this Fisk was written for you.

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/10/02/fashion/mens-style/27-ways-to-be-a-modern-man.html

As usual, the original is italics and my comments are in bold.

SELF-HELP

Even the header is wrong. This article is the opposite of self-help. This is like the instruction guide for how to live life as a sex-free eunuch.  

27 Ways to Be a Modern Man

Alternate Title: Does the Touch of a Woman Confuse and Frighten You? 27 Ways to Avoid Girl Cooties.

By BRIAN LOMBARDI
 
Who took time off from his busy schedule at the nail salon to write this.
 
SEPTEMBER 29, 2015

Being a modern man today is no different than it was a century ago. It’s all about adhering to principle. Sure, fashion, technology and architecture change over time, as do standards of etiquette, not to mention ways of carrying oneself in the public sphere. But the modern man will take the bits from the past that strike him as relevant and blend them with the stuff of today.

My sons, as you go through life you will learn that libprog rags like the NYT, Slate, and HuffPo usually start their bullshit articles with a paragraph that sounds all sorts of reasonable. Beware. It is a trick.

What follows is one dude’s bizarrely specific pronouncements, which range from preachy but passable, to full turnip. Now, if this jackass had just lived his life according to his own code, real men wouldn’t give a shit, but of course not… This is the New York Times, bastion of bullshit, which will not be content unless it is telling you how you’re living your life wrong.  

  1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.

Who the hell buys shoes for their wife? As you grow older you will learn that many women like to shop for clothing and shoes. No. I don’t understand it either. But as a manly man, your duty is to work and provide money to your woman, so that she may go and do this sort of thing if she wants.

 As for knowing sizes, no. As children, your mother buys clothes for you. Right now your requests for her seem to be “Get a shirt with Deadpool on it” and that is good. But as men large of stature you will eventually purchase your own clothing from the Extra Large Casual Male Outlet or the Cabella’s Catalog.

For you who are descended from giants, you know man sizes starts at 2XL (or 3X if you need to carry your pistol concealed under an untucked shirt) and shoes sizes begin at 15, but unlike the wimpy New York Times reporter, manly men understand that all men are different, and we do not judge them, even if they shop in the children’s section.

As for knowing your woman’s sizes, no. Your mother owns like 40 pairs of running shoes. She doesn’t even know which brands run big or small, and she has a uterus.

  1. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.

This sounds like good advice, boys, but it is trickery.  A real man assesses his situation and does what is best. A real man must know when to ask for help. You have had the opportunity to grow up around warriors, and some of them have experienced terrible things. Even these great men need help at times. Hiding depression leads to things like suck starting your 12 gauge.

  1. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.

Or you could just close your stupid face hole as you chew your food, you slack jawed idiot.

And by “ruckus” I’m guessing he wasn’t watching something like The Expendables, but rather he’s talking about the song and dance numbers on Mama Mia.

  1. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.

A real man lets other men eat what they want and isn’t a self-righteous prick about it.

But this talk of steak is just more trickery, sons. This is a Pajama Boy trying too hard to sound like a man, because steak is considered a manly food. Note that he spells filet wrong. That piece of meat isn’t fatty, and what kind of doofus burns a good piece of meat?

  1. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.

Again, a real man doesn’t care what other men do as long as it doesn’t infringe upon him.

In real life, park wherever you feel like. You will either spend time looking for a close space, or you will spend time walking from a far one. That is your decision to make.

  1. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.

No. That is their problem. If you fail to plug your crap in, and you run out of power tomorrow, then you’ll learn. If your father comes and bails you out every time you make a stupid little mistake, then you will never become accountable for your actions, and then you will grow up and make foolish choices, like becoming a New York Times reporter.

  1. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.

Look, boys, nobody likes a bossy asshole. I like Coke the best, but since I’m not a pretentious dickweed, I don’t presume to speak for other men. The thing about “taste” is that it is subjective, and so can’t be wrong.  

Besides, do you know what manner of man drinks Mountain Dew? Coal miners and Boyd Crowder. Men like your uncle Jack, who can bench press like 400 pounds because he pulls industrial electrical cables at construction sites all day, drink Mountain Dew. Do you truly believe that this effeminate, limp wristed, debutante could “show them the door”?  

Also, Dr Pepper isn’t even a cola, idiot.  

  1. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.

Yet “GET TO THE CHOPPA!” will always remain a thousand times cooler than anything this Pajama Boy ever says.

I am a bestselling novelist. Words are my profession. So I really hate the Word Police. Beware anyone who tells you what words you can, and can’t use. They only want to control you. That said, when you see somebody using the word “gauche” they’ll usually prove to be a pretentious dipshit.   

  1. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.

I have daughters as well. I actually agree with this one.

Don’t worry. I’m sure he’ll fuck it up somehow.

  1. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.

Can’t the “modern man” afford a dishwasher?

Boys, as you are aware every family will have a division of labor known as chores. You will take your assignment and fulfill it to the best of your ability. Doing a half ass job is unacceptable. This Pajama Boy is bragging about merely not doing a half ass job. It is sad that he is so proud of this minor achievement that he felt the need to put it on this list.  

  1. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.

I do not know what these words mean.

However, because each generation is more technologically savvy than the one that came before, I’m not going to presume to tell anyone else what they can and can’t do. That is naïve. That would be like your grandfather telling me not to “internets” or his father telling him that color TV is a fad.

  1. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.

And Real Men have more important things to do than worry about how another man bathes himself.

I don’t care if you take all the little bits of soap and smoosh them together into a ball of mutant soap. I don’t even know what brand soap we have, because your mother buys it. The only time a real man cares about the bathing habits of another man, is if he smells bad, because then his stink is now intruding on your turf. Then you will inform him to get his shit together.

Besides, I’m betting this New York Times reporter smells of lilacs… and shame.

  1. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.

Who is she?

Okay, seriously, yes, I do know who Wu-Tang Clan is, but only because of the Dave Chappelle Show.

Here’s the thing. In grown up life, nobody gives a flying fuck what you listen to, and only pretentious cock nozzles feel the need to judge others based upon their tastes. He could have changed that to Frank Sinatra, Pearl Jam, or Garth Brooks, and it would be just as pointless. Being a fan of something doesn’t make you inherently better than someone else. That’s hipster nonsense.  

  1. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.

Who cares?

No, really. You write it on a piece of paper, put it on your phone, scribble it on your hand with Sharpie, fly by the seat of your pants buying whatever you feel like, or your wife does the shopping… NOBODY GIVES A FUCK.

You sensing a trend yet, boys?

This guy is a symptom of a much bigger problem. People like to make themselves feel more important by telling other people that they are having Wrongfun. Judging others makes them feel special.

  1. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.

Most real men have whatever flooring their wife wanted when they built their house, because we don’t care, because we’re working all day so don’t get to stand on it much. Or they have whatever flooring came with the house when they moved in, and eventually when they can afford to they’ll put in whatever flooring their wife wants, because they don’t care. Some men do care, and they can put in whatever floor they feel like. Good for them.

All of those men think this reporter is a douche.

I don’t even know what a Kenneth Cole is. I’m not sure what an oxford is, but from the context I believe it is a type of shoe. As a man who usually wears size 15 Danner boots, this is my Not Impressed Face.

  1. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.

This one sounds good, but as we go down the list you’ll see the reporter is completely full of shit again. His ability to fight off an intruder is as questionable as his understanding of manhood.

Plus, kids, your mom isn’t going to “get away” she’s going to go for her gun too.

  1. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?

I’m picturing an Army Special Forces A-Team, somewhere in Afghanistan right now, questioning their manhood because of their complete lack of melon ballers.

My sons, when you grow up, if you want to uniformly shape cantaloupes, I will not judge you, but I will profoundly wonder where I went wrong.

  1. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.

Hell, I’m surprised this fucker didn’t say what brand of shoehorn was mandatory!

  1. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.

Boys, this is actually good advice. So I think we’re at 2 for 19. But since you both understand sports, you can see that he’s not doing well.

  1. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.

See? That’s the kind of bullshit that you just never need to know about another dude! This is just as bad as pontificating on what somebody else does in the shower.

But hang on. Isn’t this the same inconsistent twit who wrote #2?

Fuck it. Real talk time, boys. Women don’t respect pansies. Those who say they do are lying, and once they marry their sensitive little Pajama Boy, they will dream about actual manly men, who take care of business rather than fretting about melon ballers.

  1. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.

That is so insanely specific… What is this, Leviticus? But if thy daughter doth sneeze while eating a maple bar, though shall beat her with a rod!

  1. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.

My kids were all like, what’s a newspaper?

That’s just wishful thinking on the New York Times part there.

Apparently, modern men can't read graphs either. It is even worse, because after the date this cut off the fall has accelerated.

Apparently, modern men can’t read graphs either.

 

And next, half-naked? Which half? Are the neighbors going “Damn it, there’s that Lombardi asshole without his pants again!”

  1. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).

I call bullshit on this one. This is a Pajama Boy trying too hard. The only thing he has on Blu-Ray is the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants.

I like Michael Mann movies. I’m trying to think of a Michael Mann main character who wouldn’t call this reporter a pussy to his face. I’m trying to imagine this reporter’s favorite scene from Heat:

Kilmer - "Can we hurry this up? I've got to go shoe shopping for my wife before my Pilates class!"

Kilmer – “Can we hurry this up? I’ve got to go shoe shopping for my wife before my Pilates class!”

 

 

DeNiro – “A guy told me one time, Don’t let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner. Now, if you’re on me and you gotta move when I move, how do you expect to keep your melon baller?”

Pacino – “Are those Kenneth Coal oxfords, McCauly? Because they look fabulous!

 

  1. The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it.

You are out of batteries because you were plugging in your kid’s shit in #6, you inconsistent spaz!

Now kids, listen carefully. If you’ve got a friggin’ clue, you know that a phone is just another tool, and if you’re going to carry the stupid thing around, you might as well have it charged, that way if you need it to call 911 after you see this Pajama Boy get beaten up for insulting Mountain Dew drinkers you’re ready.

  1. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.

This is probably the stupidest one in the whole bunch.

You have no use for the gun? What about in #16? Oh, that’s right. We’re dealing with a chickenshit talking out of his ass about a subject he doesn’t even begin to comprehend.  

So, you’re going to fight off that intruder with what? Your shoe horn? Clue time, fuckwit, the kind of guy (let’s call him T-Bone) who invades your house in the middle of the night doesn’t give a shit about melon ballers. Uh oh! T-Bone drinks Mountain Dew. SHOW HIM THE DOOR. Only he spent time in prison learning how to fuck people up, and his idea of winning at Modern Manhood is being a pitcher rather than a catcher in the prison showers. What are you going to do to defend your wife and children now? Talk to him about your shared love for Wu-Tang? Show him your Kenneth Cole oxford collection?

No. T-Bone is going to hurt you in ways you can’t even imagine, and then you’re going to lie on your hardwood floor, bleeding, praying that your wife got to the phone in time so that a Real Men with guns might come and save your pathetic hipster ass.

Boys, the single most important responsibility of a man is to provide for the safety and well-being of his loved ones. Period. The gun is simply the single most effective tool to stop a violent aggressor. Real men understand that. Which is why I’ve also taught you, your sisters, and your mom to shoot, so if I go down, you still have a chance.

This bullshit modern man is a selfish, irresponsible child, banking on good intentions and wishful thinking to ward off evil. Only real evil simply does not give a shit about your good intentions.  

  1. The modern man cries. He cries often.

I’d cry too if T-Bone murdered my family because I was a useless sack of crap.

But wait… #2 is pretend everything is okay, but #26 is cry like a big baby.

To my sons, I’m not going to feed you a bunch of nonsense about how real men never cry, because I’ve seen some bad asses cry. But damn it, I try to save it for a good reason, like somebody died, or one of you did something that I’m ridiculously proud of. You’re overcome in a particularly spiritual or emotional moment, and you tear up? Great. I’ve known men far better than I who do that.

All that said, if you cry all the time like this doofus, then you’ll be seen as a loser, and if you’re lucky enough to trick a woman into marrying you, she will eventually cheat on you with the mail man, because at least he isn’t a wimp.  Women don’t desire men who cry freely about wanting to be the little spoon.

  1. People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.

How much you want to bet his jam is really “It’s Raining Men”?  

##

If this is modern manhood, then I’m proud to be an old fashioned man.

 

UPDATE! Modern Manhood Achieved! I got a melon baller!   http://monsterhunternation.com/2015/10/06/update-modern-manhood-achieved/

 

 

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Leave a Reply

573 Comments on "Fisking the New York Times’ Modern Man"


Guest
Kevin Crowley
7 months 23 days ago

Boom!!!

Guest
Grayson
7 months 20 days ago

I’m going to guess, “What is the sound of a newspaper editor’s brain cell imploding?”

Guest
Angry Webmaster
7 months 19 days ago

Is this a trick question? There has to be a brain cell in order to hear it implode.

Guest
JamesFaith
7 months 23 days ago

“… and what kind of doofus burns a good piece of meat?”

Obviously the modern one.

Guest
B. Durbin
7 months 21 days ago

There’s even a high-tech method to insure you don’t burn your meat—it’s called an immersion circulator or a sous-vide device, and you take your vacuum-sealed piece of meat and put it in a water bath that your device keeps at a precise temperature for hours. Then you take it out and sear it off and you’ve got a perfectly rare piece of meat.

It takes less skill than, say, a grill, but oh that tri-tip is good eating.

Guest
R Daneel
7 months 19 days ago

You must be a Modern Man! WTF is that thing?

Guest
B. Durbin
7 months 15 days ago

It’s the result of watching Food Network too much. And having a hood on the stove that is essentially inoperable (stupid thing is a combo single unit that we can’t currently afford to replace.)

And I can’t be a Modern Man. I don’t have the equipment. :p

Guest
B. Durbin
7 months 15 days ago

More to the point, though, it’s TECH. “It’s not a proper job unless you need a new tool to finish it,” sometimes applies to food, too.

Guest
Michael Z. Williamson
7 months 6 days ago

Ah, the “foodie” elite have discovered the slow cooker.

Guest
guest
7 months 21 days ago

Meh. I prefer beef rare, but I do not judge anyone for preferring the other tastes and textures that result from longer cooking times. The Romans had this one right: de gustibus non est disputandum. And I think they knew something about manhood.

Guest
BobtheRegisterredFool
7 months 20 days ago

I. A man wealthy enough to ensure that shoes would fit someone who isn’t present is wealthy enough to have a slave do it for him.
II A man is schooled in Rhetoric, so that he may convey the impression he wishes.
III At the circus it will be harder to hear the words from the cheap seats anyway.
IV de gustibus non est disputandum
V A man wealthy enough to ride a horse through Rome has the entourage to take care of it while he conducts his business.
VI A man punishes those who do not do their work, he doesn’t do their work for them.
VII What use does a Roman have for barbarian tastes and drinks when there is garum and wine?
VIII Castratus is the correct Latin for what this Blennus terms modern man.
IX A daughter is called by the name of her father’s clan.
X Does anyone want to read the whole essay on Roman household and labor practices? Suffice to say that this also does not apply to a Roman man of any great means.
XI There are certain customs in the forum.
XII There are also bath house customs. We all know that Rome colonized Ireland because they wanted a good source for bath oils.
XIII A passion for a specific actress does not make a hero. Yes, that puppy is counted as an example of Latin literature.
XIV So a literate wealthy Roman man writes down ephemeral trivia because he is too much of an imbecile to remember for himself, and too poor to have a slave go do it?
XV A Roman man lives in a house fitting his station, in accordance with the ways of the ancestors.
XVI Friends come through the gate; enemies come over the wall. A man sees that his enemies are killed. Romulus executed his own blood and milk brother Remus for as much.
XVII Work for a woman or a slave.
XVIII A shoehorn does not help one tie sandals on.
XIX A man’s wife is beneath his hand. The law and custom are very well established.
XX Men fit for positions of leadership are not receptive.
XXI A paterfamilias can legally strangle his children.
XXII If a man is wealthy enough to have someone write down such things, he is wealthy enough to have a slave carry it around and read it for him.
XXIII A man being wealthy enough to own copies of heroic legends has nothing to do with the man having heroic qualities.
XXIV A man stays awake for the watch he is set.
XXV A sword is not a killer, it is a tool in a killer’s hands.
XXVI The Stoics essentially say that if you restrain yourself from tears, you can learn not to be sad. Do not do what Regulus did not do.
XXVII Barbarian dances are not appropriate for a Roman man to perform.

Guest
Joe in PNG
7 months 16 days ago

alt XXV- A man takes his obligations as a Citizen of the Republic seriously, and is not found wanting in arms or skill when the Legions form.

Guest
BobtheRegisterredFool
7 months 16 days ago

Few know more than I the flaws of what I did. This is a great alternative or addition, that is much better than some of my other answers.

Guest
John C Wright
7 months 16 days ago
Guest
BobtheRegistrredFool
7 months 16 days ago

You have both my permission and my appreciation for the complement.

I very much enjoyed your take on it. I may email you, as I had problems in the past registering on your site and gave up.

Guest
BobtheRegisterredFool
7 months 16 days ago

You have my permission and my gratitude for the complement.

I appreciate yours. I may email you, rather than try again to register on your site.

Guest
Michael Z. Williamson
7 months 6 days ago

Sniff, sniff.

That is the most inspiring expression of manliness I have seen in a long time. I am weeping tears of exultation, that America may be saved yet.

Guest
Dave Mansfield
7 months 23 days ago

A-MF’in-MEN!

Signed an old-fashioned man

Guest
Kent Schmidt
7 months 23 days ago

Thank you, sir, for fisking this idiot. It’s too bad that, should he ever read this, he will burst into tears rather than consider the fact that he is indeed a pussy.

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Mike Nonas
7 months 23 days ago

I have said it before, but regarding 26, the times it is appropriate for a man to cry are:
A. Death of a loved one
B. Winning Olympic medal
C. End of Field of Dreams (Hey Dad, you wanna have a catch?)
I’ll stipulate to inordinate pride in children. Not having any, I can’t comment on it.

Guest
Steve Hubbard
7 months 23 days ago

You are also allowed to cry if you lose the Stanley Cup.

Guest
David Arnold
7 months 23 days ago

D. Some doofus burns filet mignon

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Joe in PNG
7 months 23 days ago

D. End of “Band of Brothers”- the part with the interviews always gets me.

Guest
CombatMissionary
7 months 22 days ago

F) We Were Soldiers when Mrs. Moore starts delivering death notifications to the wives in her husband’s Cav unit.

Mrs. Moore would probably club pajama boy like a baby seal and tell him to report to the nearest surgeon for an “add-a-pair-to-me”. And she’d probably do it from her rest home wheelchair.

Guest
TwoDogs
7 months 22 days ago

Forrest Gump, when he finds out Jenny’s boy is his and is normal (“smart”).

Guest
MAJ Arkay
7 months 21 days ago

Mrs. Moore died in 2004, but I’m sure she’d appreciate the compliment.

Guest
Jeff K
7 months 22 days ago

E. At the funeral of a fellow vet when Taps sounds and/or a missing man formation passes overhead.

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Tim Roeder
7 months 20 days ago

Yep. Gets me every time. Especially since, as an American Legion Chaplain, I conduct many of these funerals…

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Jen
7 months 23 days ago

I accept these reasons but there are others that are still within the manly man code. Being a strong female who has to constantly resist the urge to throat punch namby pamby metrosexual douchcanoes, I would think no less of a man who cried upon the death of a parent or child, or shed a tear or two at his wedding when the love of his heart came down the aisle. There are some majorly emotional moments in life where only the most sociopathic or damaged human would not at least tear up. In fact, I have seen my manly man tear up exactly 3 times and I love him even more for letting that little bit of emotion show. But hint: None of the three instances was because he missed out on the Black Friday sale at Barneys.

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Adam Lawson
7 months 23 days ago

“namby pamby metrosexual douchcanoes”

Brian Lombardi is shorter to type.

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Nohbody
7 months 23 days ago

On the other hand, “Brian Lombardi” is likely to get the same response Starlord got from the goon at the start of the movie: “Who?”

Guest
TWS
7 months 18 days ago

My wife pulls that one on me every damn time and I fall for it too. My son or grandkids come out and say, “I’m Starlord,” or “I’ve got Starlord”. Then she will say ‘who?’ and I will repeat ‘Starlord’ like an idiot.

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Patrick Chester
7 months 22 days ago

But hint: None of the three instances was because he missed out on the Black Friday sale at Barneys.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooo-wait, the what at what? 😉

Guest
RonF
7 months 23 days ago

The end of ‘Old Yeller’

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C. S. P. Schofield
7 months 23 days ago

I can think of at least one more. Anyone who doesn’t tear up when listening to the classical arrangement of FANFARE FOR THE COMMON MAN should be buried; they’re dead.

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pdwalker
7 months 23 days ago

Don’t forget the end of Old Yeller.

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Chrismouse
7 months 23 days ago

Where the Red Fern Grows.

Guest
Technomad
7 months 22 days ago

How about at the end of _Black Hawk Down?_

Guest
Leah
7 months 22 days ago

I’d say extreme pain also qualifies. you know… physical pain.

Guest
H.P.
7 months 21 days ago

No! Crying is only acceptable for emotional pain. Shouting and cursing, on the other hand, are fine.

Guest
Old Fashioned Man
7 months 20 days ago

Physical pain? I’m unfamiliar with this term.

Guest
Were-Puppy
7 months 20 days ago

With me that more becomes massive spewage of cursing, yelling, etc.

Guest
SJW75126
7 months 22 days ago

Mike said:

“C. End of Field of Dreams (Hey Dad, you wanna have a catch?)”

That one’s good but for me the movie ending with the best tear jerker moment is from 1971:

“Now you honor me by giving me this award. But I say to you here now Brian Piccolo is the man who deserves the George S. Halas award. It is mine tonight… and Brian Piccolo’s tomorrow. “

Guest
Bugmaster
7 months 21 days ago

Don’t forget:
D. Cutting onions

Guest
USMC0369
7 months 20 days ago

It is also perfectly respectable to cry at the end of “Old Yeller” and the birt of your child.

Guest
Khazlek
7 months 20 days ago

I’d suggest we apply Larry’s advice here from some of the other items. It’s hard to say what will have the emotional impact to make someone cry, so I suggest we not catalog them all.

How many times have you seen a Facebook post or a blog post contain the words, “it’s dusty in here”? In other words, the poster shed a tear or two, and is paying lip service to the notion that he shouldn’t have.

I shed a brief tear or two when Neil Armstrong died. I think that’s as good a reason as a sad scene at the end of a movie.

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Nathan McClellan
7 months 20 days ago

No, only if your children win the Olympic medal.

This is the officially licensed manly crying movies list:
1. Field of Dreams
2. Braveheart
3. any WW2 movie (Band of Bros, Saving Private Ryan, We Were Soldiers, etc)
4. Second-hand Lions
5. Old Yeller

Guest
jack burton
7 months 14 days ago

only a sociopath would not cry 15 minutes into the movie “Up”

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AuricTech
7 months 9 days ago

I’m surprised that those commenting on a science fiction writer’s blog don’t appear to have mentioned, in the course of two weeks, this movie scene as tear-worthy. Hint, I checked to see if anyone else had mentioned it by using Ctrl-F to search for “Khan.”

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Chuck
7 months 14 days ago

The final 5 minutes of “Brian’s Song”.

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jack burton
7 months 14 days ago

marriage of a daughter.

Guest
Jared Anjewierden
7 months 23 days ago

Yeah… one of the foundational rules for being a man is something along the lines of “I don’t care what anyone says or thinks about me, or even their opinion on anything else, unless I GIVE them that right.”

Wife? I care what she thinks.
Mentor who has helped me for years? I care.
Random Hipster Dude? Keep on steppin oxford man.
Troll on the internet? Don’t make me laugh.
My religious leader? Yeah. Assuming it is about something religious. Probably still don’t care about his taste in music or books.

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Will Murrell
7 months 23 days ago

Mic drop….Larry has left the stage.

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Were-Puppy
7 months 20 days ago

Mic Drop, WWE Style!

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IAmDevinThomas
7 months 23 days ago

I’m actually glad hipster dude wrote the original article, just so I could get a good laugh out of the Fisk

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Señor Jefe
7 months 20 days ago

Hipster wrote it because he had to, the way the little tree frogs imitate the big guys who won’t let them into the pond. Alas.

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Aimee Morgan
7 months 23 days ago

I want my not-quite-ten-year-old daughter to marry one of your sons. Don’t even care which one – Epic Toddler is a tad young for her, but she’ll enjoy being a cougar, and she already laughs at his mom’s stories. I fear that by the time my daughter grows to adulthood, all of the men she meets will be lumbersexual, man-bunned, pajama boys in over priced Kenneth Cole oxfords, and how in the heck is a loser like that going to keep her in jalapenos and ammo?

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Cara Halvorson
7 months 23 days ago

Can’t keep her in jalapenos and ammo? That would be a deal breaker for me, too!

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WyrdBard
7 months 23 days ago

There are real men still out there. And most of them are raising their boys to be real men as well. She may have to look but they’ll be there (and usually running like crazy from the feminists so they’ll probably be available.)

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Carbonel
7 months 23 days ago

We really want some kind of modern day Almack where the children who’ve been raised to eschew namby pamby metrosexual douchecanoes and their self-absorbed cluess slattern sisters can meet and socialize with prospective spouses.

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Dave H
7 months 22 days ago

I suggest firearms training. People who go to training have common interests, they’re often there to learn how to defend others as well as themselves, and they’re humble enough to accept they -don’t- know it all. (Unlike some of the guys you meet at the open range.) And they don’t wet themselves when they hear a loud noise.

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TRX
7 months 22 days ago

My wife watched an old episode of “The Rifleman” the other day. She said in the 21st century, Lucas McCain would probably be put in prison for a combination of negligence and child abuse.

Odd how rapidly cultural norms (appear to have) shifted…

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SJW75126
7 months 22 days ago

I watched the Rifleman with my Dad who commented he didn’t understand how McCain was able to hit a blessed thing with the barrel jerking around like that.

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USMC 0369
7 months 20 days ago

There are plenty of real men still out here. They are too busy raising and providing for their families to whine about what the “modern man” should be. They are out there actually being real men, unlike this NYT writer.

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Catherine
7 months 21 days ago

Don’t worry. I have several nephews. We can work out an arrangement, lol. We are hardy stock. Even my niece plays safety for her middle school football team.

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redleg
7 months 23 days ago

Oh snap.

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Shrimp
7 months 23 days ago

“25 The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.”

“This is probably the stupidest one in the whole bunch. “

Not “probably.”
“Is.”
Just “is.”

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MikeG
7 months 23 days ago

Unless he’s schooled in the ancient art of melon baller fighting.
No…still stupid

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Geekasaurus
7 months 22 days ago

I would modify the rule to: He owns a firearm, regularly practices and is safe with it, or has a damned good reason to not own one.

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TheWriterInBlack
7 months 19 days ago

While I don’t think this is what the original author of the “27 ways to be a whiny pussy” article meant it this way, I just have to say I’m reminded of the line from Quiggly Down Under:

“Said I never had much use for one [a handgun]. Didn’t say I didn’t know how to use it.”

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Jill Williamson
7 months 23 days ago

I knew I would laugh if I followed your blog, Larry. I laughed so hard I had to read this again to my husband. 🙂

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Feo Amante
7 months 23 days ago

The NYT article looks like it’s mocking current culture. Your Fisk looks like you’re satirizing mockery. And thus the world became meta.

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James May
7 months 23 days ago

Phone battery running low? Damn the torpedoes. I am made of sterner stuff. Alexander conquered Persia with a low battery and almost no reception.

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Aaron
7 months 20 days ago

The 300 had low bandwidth…less than 3G!! Lol!

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TWS
7 months 18 days ago

Text anybody you need to now, for tonight we dine in a place with very poor cell reception.

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JC
7 months 23 days ago

Poe’s Law strikes again!

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Señor Jefe
7 months 20 days ago

Sorry, but NYT doesn’t deal in self-mockery. They mock others as a sign of disrespect for those with whom they fundamentally disagree. Alas.

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Eric
7 months 23 days ago

Lovely. I think the Leviticus joke was the best.

However, on #16, I’m not sure how the wife is supposed to escape through the same door the intruder is currently standing in front of. He’s saying I have to wrestle the man out of the way so she has a clear shot out of the room? Otherwise, the only escape is out the window and a 15′ drop to the pavement.

And he’s showing his oppressive patriarchy in #9. How dare he assign some arbitrary gender to his offspring? 😉

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TWS
7 months 18 days ago

How dare he assign some arbitrary gender to his offspring?

Abortion? ewwww.

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Alpheus
7 months 17 days ago

Of course, a Real Man sleeps at the edge of the bed, at his wife’s feet, because you don’t know if the intruder will be coming in through the door, or through the window.

And heaven help the Real Man who sleeps in a room with windows on two different walls, and doors on two other walls!

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Lee
7 months 23 days ago

I am oh so hoping the old fashioned man can drive a manual transmission vehicle.

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JC
7 months 23 days ago

With a 3 in the tree.

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KHorn
7 months 22 days ago

We taught all of our kids how to drive a standard even though the only one we ever owned is my ’59 Apache (inherited from my Dad). My elder son is now an officer with a major city police force and he jokes that the best car security system is to have a standard transmission. A while back they had a scene with an abandoned car with a standard and keys in the ignition blocking a major intersection and the first three officers on the scene, including a sergeant, couldn’t move it. My son and his partner pull up, he climbs in and moves it over to wait for the tow. As everyone stands around looking silly, my son just said “Really?”

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Khazlek
7 months 20 days ago

I can drive stick, but I haven’t done so since 1999, and it wasn’t an everyday thing even then. Times change. I have been in one car with a three-in-a-tree shifter, and it was ancient at then. I don’t know how to drive one. I’ve also never learned to hand-cut a hardback book, or drive a mule team. A man learns to use the tools he has need to use. Manuals transmissions are a funny case because they haven’t gone away as rapidly as other stuff, because there are a few situations where they may be more suitable.

If I owned a manual car, particularly something fast and twitchy, I’d be deathly afraid to let someone valet park it.

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hoosiertoo
7 months 20 days ago

3 on the tree, 4 (or more) on the floor or 1 down/4 (or more) up, in the case of my motorcycles. Manuals are easy and much more fun than autos.

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Grendel
7 months 23 days ago

I also only know about Wu-Tang Clan from the Chappelle show.

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James May
7 months 23 days ago

They’re a rap group that took their name from old kung-fu movies they liked.

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Stan Bundy
7 months 23 days ago

You want a good laugh – look for the Wu Tang song “Shame on a Nigga” made into a “My Little Pony” music video…. Probably the best lip sync I’ve ever seen on a video made to found footage.

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jic
7 months 22 days ago

Ghostface Killah did that with *Speed Racer* on the video for *Daytona 500* 19 years ago.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZGi2lyQJQs

19 years ago? Holy crap, I’m old.

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Joe in PNG
7 months 22 days ago

The “My Little Pony” version of “Straight Outta Compton” is likewise hilarious.

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TRX
7 months 22 days ago

I don’t know what a Chappelle is. And I figure that’s a good thing.

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Leah
7 months 22 days ago

you are missing out. back when Dave Chappelle was still doing comedy – it was pure, hilarious gold.

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James May
7 months 22 days ago

Not really. His vulgar STD skit done in Sesame Street style is hilarious.

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Señor Jefe
7 months 20 days ago

Who is Chappelle? Is he part of that clan too?

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Gibreaux
7 months 20 days ago

Well, in one of Chappelle’s most funny skits he is in A clan. I couldn’t say WHICH clan he is in, but it isn’t the WuTang Clan.

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Mary Thornell
7 months 23 days ago

I think the Pajama Boy author of this article needs to wring his maxi-pad out. It reeks of the girls gym and estrogen. Yick.

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Mike
7 months 23 days ago

Forwarded to the boys.

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Bryce
7 months 23 days ago

Thanks for that! I have been hoping to see that since yesterday. I do believe that they call that a “Mic drop”.

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Faceh
7 months 23 days ago

I want to view this as some intricate satire so that I can still think that the author might have meant to inspire laughter in his audience.

I just can’t. This list is such an odd assortment of finicky ‘advice’ that I have to assume he pretty much just wrote things that applied only to him and somehow convinced himself it was publish-worthy.

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Joe in PNG
7 months 23 days ago

There’s a hipster irony component, a bit of a meta-joke in the first part regarding gender roles and like for those who have taken classes in semiotics and literature deconstruction.

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Bruce
7 months 23 days ago

Re #8: A real man doesn’t even know WTF gauche is. Is that like some kind of French goose-shit cracker spread or something?

“Besides, I’m betting this New York Times reporter smells of lilacs… and shame.”
Funniest thing ever said.

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Adam Lawson
7 months 23 days ago

I wasn’t sure what a melon baller was. I just assumed it was something designed to help take the core out of an avocado or similar annoyingly-cored fruit.

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jic
7 months 22 days ago

The name didn’t tip you off?

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Adam Lawson
7 months 22 days ago

I’ve never actually seen someone take the time to make melon bits into perfect spheres.

Usually I just cut them up.

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Khazlek
7 months 20 days ago

You have to waste a fair bit of fruit if you do that.

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Khazlek
7 months 20 days ago

I mean use the melon-baller, not cut them up.

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AuricTech
7 months 22 days ago

It’s what you use to turn cantaloupes into the melon equivalent of steers. Keeps ’em docile.

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Synova
7 months 21 days ago

A melon baller is something you buy at a Pampered Chef home party, put in a drawer and forget about.

But don’t feel bad… I had no living clue what “the little spoon” was.

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Feather Blade
7 months 20 days ago

You use them to scoop out really tiny blobs of cookie dough.

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Khazlek
7 months 20 days ago

As I recall, Alton Brown considers them generally useful implements, but not for use on melons.

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Khazlek
7 months 20 days ago

Well, yes that is the sort of thing they are good for, though avacados aren’t really a good example. You whack those with a knife and twist.

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CombatMissionary
7 months 22 days ago

I actually had to look that up.

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Dave H
7 months 22 days ago

My wife used the word “gauche” a few times. From context I think it means “whatever that other woman is wearing.”

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Kevin Findley
7 months 21 days ago

So gauche translates as “looks like a hooker”?

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Leah
7 months 22 days ago

oh I don’t know… there’s nothing wrong with having extensive vocabulary – doesn’t make you any less manly.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/gauche

its the way writer used it though… that was just sad

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Bear
7 months 21 days ago

Hm.

Depends how much specific pride is taken in that extensive vocabulary….and whether the man is capable of successfully judging the room when using it.

Otherwise he’s just another pretentious twot.

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Khazlek
7 months 20 days ago

I don’t think I know anyone who uses that word unironically. I sometimes hear “how gauche” when the intent is to mock the sort of person who wrote this thing in the first place. That probably accounts for 90% of the time I hear it. In the other 10%, it’s in the context of main-gauche, the left-hand knife, used in two-weapon dueling. Since the word originates with the French for left, it seems like the NYT ought to be more in favor of it :-).

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Khazlek
7 months 20 days ago

Isn’t it the knife that goes in your weak hand?

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Tony Taddeo
7 months 23 days ago

This cupcake Lombardi forgot one: #28: The Modern Man never has to hear his wife complain about him leaving the seat up because he pees sitting down.

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B. Durbin
7 months 21 days ago

It’s a moot point. The LID stays down to keep pets out, things from falling in, and to slow down inquisitive toddlers. Also to keep germs from spraying all over when you flush. Besides, WHY do people think that looks good? Even chamber pots used to have lids.

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dgarsys
7 months 23 days ago

Damn.

A real man lets other men eat what they want and isn’t a self-righteous prick about it.

Reminds me of the Pournelle anecdote where Niven (IIRC) was asked about “Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche” and Niven responded “Real men eat whatever they damn well please”

Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.
I have daughters as well. I actually agree with this one.

I’d say it’s a factor of having kids, period. But hey, Pajama boy has to show he’s all grrrrrrllll power.

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Jen
7 months 23 days ago

My 11 y/o daughter would consider this guy to be a sissy. Only because she isn’t old enough to call him a pussy.

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Adam Lawson
7 months 23 days ago

It’s okay, I’m pretty sure the Lombardi kids aren’t actually his…

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Bibliotheca Servare
7 months 22 days ago

Oh…OUCH. Or did you mean he adopted? *kidding* But yeah…ouch.

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Adam Lawson
7 months 22 days ago

That whole birds and bees thing doesn’t work when you’re the crying, little spoon.

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Alpheus
7 months 17 days ago

“Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person.”

The thing that annoys me about this statement, is that people generally don’t get a choice in whether they get sons or daughters. Since I have both, I know that having sons is different from having daughters…but I also know of people who have all sons, and all daughters. Are the former permanently banned from Real Manhood because the genetic lottery came out the way it did? I somehow doubt it…

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Robert Evans
7 months 23 days ago

I think that the entire article was written to justify including #25 (gun control) for propaganda purposes.

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Stephen St. Onge
7 months 23 days ago

AGREED.

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jic
7 months 22 days ago

Nah, it’s just signalling. The guy is writing in the *New York Times*, most of his core audience already thinks guns are icky.

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ConceptJunkie
7 months 16 days ago

Indeed. He probably would have evoked howls of protest had he left it out.

Frankly, I’m surprised that he didn’t suggest that a real man isn’t afraid to admit he has a female soul, dress up in drag and get hormone therapy.

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Joey Curry
7 months 23 days ago

I like his answer to 17. Basically comes out as My sons, when you grow up, if you want to uniformly shape cantaloupes, I will not judge you, but I will judge myself”.

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Joe in PNG
7 months 22 days ago

Well, if they get into cooking, or into Thai cooking… but that’s not really melon baller stuff. That’s serious knife work, and knife skills are always a good thing, as is a really well made Tom Yam soup.

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Khazlek
7 months 20 days ago

I was a little puzzled by Larry’s response here. Is he down on men learning to cook, or he is criticizing the sort of cookery in which you artfully arrange spheres of melon as overly froo-froo? I saw Larry’s posts about feeding the kids while Mom was away, and I was trying to decide if he was exaggerating his kitchen incompetence for humor’s sake or if it really was a face-palm moment. Iv’e never once thought that I really need to cut mellons into little spheres, but men should know how to cook.

Acquiring kitchen knives, keep good edges on them, and learning good, safe, fast, knife skills have lots of parallels to gun nuttery.

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Khazlek
7 months 19 days ago

Well when you put it that way 🙂

OTOH, I can easily imagine Ayn Rand making it out to be a manly virtue, by making it into competence porn.

“Howard Roarke, unwilling to compromise his values took a job in a hotel restaurant. There he made fruit baskets with uncompromising attention to detail, every sphere of melon expertly carved by his sure, deft, hand with a melon baler, and arranged with a precision that few would ever appreciate.”

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CombatMissionary
7 months 19 days ago

Do farmers use melon balers? I have kids, so two or three bales of melons would be handy. 😉

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junior
7 months 23 days ago

Hooray! I get to read and laugh at the complete list without giving the NYT any clicks!

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Shadowdancer
7 months 23 days ago

I have serious doubts about the supposed manliness of the ‘modern man’ portrayed in the original list. Hell, I’m not sure I know of any WOMEN who would consider this a list to follow, so I am quite baffled as to who considers this proper behavior.

In no particular order…
1) My husband knows better than to buy shoes for me, even if he knows my size. He’s not stupid.

2)My kids know to keep their own devices charged. The boyo’s mp3 player may need a new battery however.

3) We rarely go out to the movie theatre because it’s too expensive. The rental kiosk has 1$ weekly specials and we wait for those.

4) The only person whose steak is ever ‘burned’ is Aff’s, and that’s because he likes them that way.

5) I’m the one who drinks Mountain Dew and Coke. Rhys drinks things like Mother, bourbon colas, Dr. Pepper, and spiked juices.

6) Local slang for Chinooks is “Chook”, but that’s Aussies for you.

7) Boys or girls, we have no preference, they’re loved no matter what.

8) We use soap gel, so I miss the mutant soap bar days; we used to have fun making weird shaped soap for my dad to puzzle over.

9) as a family we have rather eclectic tastes in music, but it’s often shared tastes.

10) I’m the one who makes the grocery list.

11) Our daughter’s the one with the clompy boots. =3

12) Before he goes to bed, Rhys makes sure the doors are locked, instead of ‘charging the devices of the kids’, because he has his priorities straight. BOTH of us will attack if there’s a home invader stupid enough to break in, and I’m the one who’s more paranoid about random night noises.

13) The melon baller is mine, and Rhys knows better than to comment about my kitchen tools. He also knows that I prefer potted flowering plants as opposed to cut flowers; and chances are he’ll buy me a book for Valentines, or, as he did last time, chocolate covered cherries.

14) I am always the little spoon, because I am a tiny thing.

15) Rhys is a Marksman and he has a rifle. The pistol will be for me.

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JC
7 months 23 days ago

#1? Really, if the wife comes in all proud and says “Look at this venison I bought, now you don’t have to go hunting”, would that make you happy?

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junior
7 months 23 days ago

?

You’re replying to “the wife”…

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towerclimber37
7 months 23 days ago

you sound like a healthy, well adjusted family! unlike the feather merchant who wrote the original article.

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jic
7 months 22 days ago

“6) Local slang for Chinooks is “Chook”, but that’s Aussies for you.”

I thought in Australia a chook was a chicken?

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naleta
7 months 22 days ago

That’s what I thought, too….

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recumbent driver
7 months 21 days ago

Chook your chicken.

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The Phantom
7 months 21 days ago

It’s hard to be the little spoon when you’re 6′ and the Mrs. is 5’2″.

I always envy men with tall wives for this reason. It’s fun being the little spoon once in a while.

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Sara the Red
7 months 20 days ago

Speaking as an almost-6-foot woman…I wish more men felt like that. I’ve known far too many who get twitchy about me being as tall/taller… 😀

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Dave H
7 months 20 days ago

Size doesn’t matter to me. I think confidence is what makes a person attractive. Genuine confidence, not the judgmental bravado that an insecure coward hides behind. (Finding an example is left as an exercise for the reader.)

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The Phantom
7 months 17 days ago

1) Women are hot. Tall, short, who cares?

2) As evidenced by the Fisk-ee, Pajama Boy, a large number of men these days are useless wankers. He seems like the type to get twitchy over a woman with height and biceps.

3) Tall women are awesome because they can carry one end of the canoe on a portage during camping trips. ~:)

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Achillea
7 months 17 days ago

5’11” here. Preach it, sister.

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Russell Newquist
7 months 23 days ago

“Now kids, listen carefully. If you’ve got a friggin’ clue, you know that a phone is just another tool, and if you’re going to carry the stupid thing around, you might as well have it charged, that way if you need it to call 911 after you see this Pajama Boy get beaten up for insulting Mountain Dew drinkers you’re ready. ”

An uncharged cell phone is the only thing I can think of that might – MIGHT, mind you – be more useless than an unloaded gun.

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Kuma
7 months 23 days ago

“An uncharged cell phone is the only thing I can think of that might – MIGHT, mind you – be more useless than an unloaded gun.”

Nope. New York Times Reporter is top of that list.

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Mike
7 months 20 days ago

FTFY: “Nope. ‘Guardian’ Reporter is top of that list.”

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Kevin P.
7 months 23 days ago

This is the one where I thought “Hmm, call 911? Screw that, I need to record it to show my wife later… After all, he did ask for it. Maybe he’ll get the hint to not insult Mountain Dew drinkers.”

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jic
7 months 22 days ago

“An uncharged cell phone is the only thing I can think of that might – MIGHT, mind you – be more useless than an unloaded gun.”

I’m old-fashioned enough that I carry a little old Nokia non-smartphone (well, it’s Symbian, but that’s the same thing these days) attached to a lanyard. If I was forced to defend myself, it would actually make a pretty effective ‘slung shot’.

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Feather Blade
7 months 20 days ago

Depends on how much of it you have to take apart to get at the burnable components, now doesn’t it ^_^.

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Alpheus
7 months 17 days ago

Charged? Heck, I learned a lesson several months ago, about keeping your minutes charged (I have pay-as-you-go). I was waiting at a bus stop late that night, tired and wanting a ride to pick up my van from the shop, unable to send texts because I figured that I could recharge in another week or two and be fine.

I bought minutes as soon as I got home, if I recall correctly, and I’ve been careful with my minutes since then.

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Bryan Keller
7 months 23 days ago

Outstanding Mr. Correia! Outstanding indeed!

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Brett Cashman
7 months 23 days ago

Having met you, now, and listened to you speak, I believe I can say with confidence that the risk of your sons turning into goony hipster douche balloons is approximately zero.

Cannibalistic heavy-metal rednecks, on the other hand…

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JackWylder
7 months 23 days ago

Hey! The whole cannibalistic/reaver thing with Correia the Younger was taken WAY out of context…

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Kevin P.
7 months 23 days ago

If they don’t form a heavy metal band named Cabbage Point Killing Machine as teenagers, I’m going to be terribly disappointed.

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ConceptJunkie
7 months 16 days ago

I suggest the risk is about -0.10 to account for any uncertainty, i.e., -10% plus or minus 5%.

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Cara Halvorson
7 months 23 days ago

The answer to #25 is my favorite from a fisk ever! But, dude, I have a flared up hip and bending over in laughter like that fraking hurts. So worth it, though! 😀

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Sam F
7 months 23 days ago

Remind me to add a melon baller to my combat load

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Richard McEnroe
7 months 23 days ago

Can I get a tactical melon-baller from Cheaper Than Dirt? Or should I just fake it with my Russian Ammo Can Opener?

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Sabrina Chase
7 months 23 days ago

“tactical” just means “spray paint matte black and charge $20 more”. Oh, and a little skull decal if you are feeling festive. I’m sure you can retro-tac a melon-baller 😀

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Brett Cashman
7 months 23 days ago

That’s tacticool, not tactical. Tactical would involve velcro and dip.

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Mousekt
7 months 21 days ago

And a camo net, if you ask any officer I’ve ever met.

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Kristophr
7 months 23 days ago

I hear you can dye the new Magpul melon ballers any color you want.

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CarlosT
7 months 23 days ago

Picatinny rail mounted melon baller. So you can uniformly shape melons after a dynamic entry.

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Ben Warren
7 months 23 days ago

Yes, but you’ve got to buy the one made by Kitchenaide, not Cuisinart. Cuisineart makes theirs from cheap plastic, and the KeyMod attachment rattles loose after a few shots.

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Synova
7 months 23 days ago

You people do all realize that the tactical kilt started out as a joke? I can just see tactical melon-ballers becoming a “thing” this Christmas.

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Andrew
7 months 23 days ago

Troop: “What the hell do I need a melon baller for?”
Smart Troop: “I can make you a tactical melon baller for another 30 bucks.”

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Bibliotheca Servare
7 months 22 days ago

See now I have to go Google tactical kilt. If I dir laughing, I blame you…or maybe Larry… *chortle*

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Bibliotheca Servare
7 months 22 days ago

Die laughing. Damn thumbs…

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richard mcenroe
7 months 21 days ago

If you’ve got melon balls I don’t think a tactical kilt will hang right…

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DaveP.
7 months 22 days ago

Screw this “Tactical” nonsense…. tell me where I can find a STRATEGIC melon baller, and we’ll have something going on!

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Kristophr
7 months 22 days ago

The Air Force is already seeking funding for one. They will cost $100M each, and employ people in ten different congressional districts.

But they won’t handle ain’t to ground better than the A-10, regardless.

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Bruce
7 months 20 days ago

Titanium. It needs to be made out of titanium too.

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Khazlek
7 months 19 days ago

Titanium expands significantly with temperature, so titanium, strategic melon ballers have to be engineered to be somewhat smaller than acceptable melon ball size, so that they will expand to the correct size at high mach.

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Mike in seattle
7 months 22 days ago

Careful. You could put an eye out with that thing.

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Joe in PNG
7 months 22 days ago

With care, yes.

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Mom
7 months 22 days ago

If you use it properly, yes.

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CombatMissionary
7 months 22 days ago

Were Cookie Monster’s actions in Beirut why the Geneva Conventions now outlaw serrated-tooth melonballers?

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Were-Puppy
7 months 20 days ago

I recall my mom had a grapefruit spoon set that was tiny serrated-tooth spoons 😛

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Were-Puppy
7 months 20 days ago

Now that I think about it, you could probably use a melon baller to remove a bad guys eye.

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Michael Doornbos
7 months 23 days ago

I’m framing this over our fireplace.

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T.
7 months 23 days ago

Wu-Tang, mellonballers, and apple doughnuts? How is this not satire?