Monster Hunter Nation

The Official Alphabetical List of Author Success

I’ve often been derisively referred to as a “D List Author” by my critics.  Curious, I had to look up where that list came from: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A-list

Sadly, as usual my critics suck at everything. This scale is based on how recognizable movie stars are, and since most regular people wouldn’t recognize any but the most famous (or funny looking) authors, it doesn’t really work for us at all. So I have created this super helpful guide so critics know what bucket to arbitrarily stick writers in.

What’s way better than fame? All fame is good for in Hollywood is determining how much they have to pay actors. So screw recognition. Show me the MONEY!

Since the super reliable Guardian newspaper reported that only the top 1% of all authors make more than $100,000 a year from writing and the average mid list author makes around $30,000 a year we’ll just have to extrapolate out from there. Since my critics like to say I’m a D Lister, and I’m doing way better than the Guardian’s 1% cut off, then I can only assume that my critics are really fucking harsh, but a metric is a metric, so here we go!

 

The Official Alphabetical List of Author Success

A List – High upon Mount Olympus They Gaze Down Upon the Pathetic Mortals = All the $

  • Authors who are worth more than the GDP of some countries.
  • Authors who build their houses out of gold bars.
  • Characters from their books get their own theme parks.
  • The lady who wrote Twilight.

B List – The King(s) =$$$$$$$$$$

  • Authors who have TV shows about their books starring Peter Dinklage.
  • Authors who sleep on large piles of money.
  • Politicians who get illegal campaign contributions masquerading as advances.
  • Oprah’s Book Club.

C List – The Perpetual Bestsellers =$$$$$$$$$

  • Authors who play poker with Castle.
  • Authors who have lesser TV shows not starring Peter Dinklage.
  • Authors who always get sold in airport bookstores.
  • Authors who are rich enough to have sex scandals and it actually makes the news.

D List – My Wallet Says Bad Motherfucker = $$$$$$$$

  • Authors whose quarterly tax withholdings are sufficient to purchase a new Mercedes Benz.
  • Authors who’ve written a shit load of books for a whole lot of years.
  • Snooki
  • The International Lord of Hate.

E List – The 1% =$$$$$$$

  • Authors who make enough off their royalties to impress their mother in law.
  • Authors who lucked into a decent movie deal.
  • Authors who actually have long lines at book signings
  • The Real Housewives.

F List –  The Professionals =$$$$$$

  • Authors who have good lines at book signings.
  • Authors whose quarterly taxes could buy a new Hyundai.
  • Authors who have worked extremely hard to hone their craft over many years.
  • Authors who have consistently treated writing like their career.

G List –  I’m Pretty Awesome At This Writing Thing =$$$$$$

  • Authors who are super excited they got to be Guest of Honor at a convention.
  • Authors who have some people come to a book signing.
  • Authors whose quarterly taxes could buy a used Hyundai.
  • Single authors who’ve sold enough copies they can safely use being a writer as a pick up line at bars.

H List – Holy Shit! I Quit My Day Job! =$$$$$

  • Authors who are still really glad their spouse has a real job.
  • Authors who think that paying quarterly taxes on their royalties is total bullshit.
  • Authors who can go to their high school reunion all smug like, “Oh, you work at Autozone? Well I’m an AUTHOR bitches!”
  • Authors who have made enough from royalties to impress their mom.

I List – Doggone It People Like Me =$$$$$

  • Authors with the first glimmers of real professional success.
  • Authors who begin contemplating how they’re going to tell their boss to shove it.
  • Authors who only check their book’s Amazon rank once a day.
  • Authors who pay their mortgage payments from their royalties.

J List – What the Fuck? I’m a Real Writer? =$$$$

  • Authors who are still getting used to the idea people want to read their crap.
  • Authors who have sold a respectable number of books.
  • Authors who check their book’s Amazon rank every hour.
  • Authors who start to pay most of their bills with their royalties.

K List – Welcome To Mid List =$$$$

  • The average professional author with a writing career.
  • Authors making enough money to be really tempted to quit their day job except their spouse won’t let them.
  • Authors who are still really happy when anybody shows up to a signing.
  • Authors who are still terrified that their fans will realize they’re a talentless fraud any minute now.

L List – I Think I Can. I Think I Can. I Think I Can. =$$$

  • Authors who’ve sold some books.
  • Authors who annoy the shit out of all their friends and families to come to their otherwise empty book signings.
  • Authors who haven’t realized Amazon only updates their ranks hourly and are still checking every fifteen minutes.

M List –  I AM THE KING OF THE WORLD!  =$$

  • Authors who’ve published a book or something.
  • Authors who sit in front of their computer, compulsively hitting Refresh over and over to see their Amazon ranking like one of those perpetual motion bird toys. Peck. Peck. Peck.
  • Authors who collect royalties sufficient to eat out once in a while at a restaurant. Okay, maybe Applebees, but they can’t get appetizers.
  • Author on the panel who can’t help but flog their books to the trapped audience with every comment.

N List –  Yeah, I’m Like Totally a Writer, Baby =$.

  • Authors who’ve published a book or maybe some short stories.
  • New Authors who all the other aspiring authors in their writing group secretly hate.
  • Authors who collect enough royalties to eat out occasionally, but only from the Dollar Menu.
  • An average Hugo or Nebula award winner.

O List – OMG! I CAN TOTALLY JOIN SFWA! =$

  • Authors who don’t realize there isn’t actually any reason to join SFWA.
  • Authors who haven’t made enough off their royalties to pay the dues for SFWA.
  • The average voting member of SFWA.

P List – That Guy =$

  • Author who has maybe sold a couple things or won some contest or something.
  • Know it all author who won’t shut up on a panel about his bullshit who all the professional authors just want to throat punch.
  • Doesn’t know what royalties are, but thinks any author who complains about paying taxes is inherently evil.

Q List – The College Guest Lecturer =$

  • Author who sells something like a short once in a great while to a very tiny audience, so they can go be panelists at conventions in order to bore the living shit out of the poor audience while they drone on about the “rules and definitions” of genre fiction.
  • Never actually sold enough books to earn back their tiny advance, but that’s okay, because writers who make money are sell outs producing bourgeoisie garbage for the masses.
  • Writes pretentious blog posts warning S and U List authors that their fiction has to check the mandatory social justice boxes about nonsense like ending binary gender.

R List – The Artiste  = $

  • Authors who’ve written a pretentious dense piece of unsellable crap.
  • Authors who write for prestigious literary journals where they can be read by literally dozens (if you count the editorial staff).
  • Authors who skip right to B List if Oprah mentions them.

S List – The Struggling

  • Authors who’ve written something, but haven’t had any luck selling it yet.
  • Authors with the most incredibly frustrating job in the universe.
  • The Future of Writing.

T List – The Troglodyte

  • Struggling authors who haven’t realized they need to actually learn to write.
  • When nobody likes their work proclaims “They just don’t understand my brilliance!”
  • Likes to post angry reviews on the internet bashing Authors A-S.

U List – The Aspiring

  • Thinking about writing something.
  • Wonders where they’ll find the time?
  • Don’t feel bad. We all started somewhere.

V List – Oh, You’re a Writer? I’m a Writer Too!

  • Hasn’t actually written anything, but likes to tell professional authors that he’s just like them because he wrote a poem back in high school and his teacher really liked it.
  • Maybe when he retires from his career, he’ll become an author.
  • He’s got this amazing idea, and he’ll share it with you if you do all that actually writing the book part and then you can split the crazy huge profits 50/50.

W List – Huge On Twitter

  • Author who hasn’t ever actually sold anything, but they’ve got a whole lot of Twitter followers, and they’re gonna tell you all about it.
  • Author who will not hesitate to inform A-K level writers they’re doing it wrong, because if they were real writers they’d have better Twitter presence.
  • Author who fails to realize that the only type of follower who counts is the one who will give you money for your product.
  • Lives in their mom’s basement.

X List – The X

  • Writes violent pornographic bondage fan fiction involving My Little Ponies, Voltron, and Breaking Bad on the internet, while dressed in a stained bunny costume that looks like a strange gimp version of that thing from Donnie Darko.
  • Don’t make any sudden moves.
  • We’re just going to walk away real slow now.

Y List – The Yama

  • A primordial creature barely capable of vomiting words onto a page in a blasphemous impersonation of the act of writing, so mind shattering and terrible that a single story threatened to end language forever. He is The Thing That Should Not Be. To read his foul creations will summon the Black Goat of the Woods with its Thousand Young, and it will kill your muse and sodomize the corpse.
  • Is confident that he’d be a much more successful writer than A-X, if only he wasn’t too busy stalking Asian women on the internet to actually submit any of his crayon scribbles.
  • The reason sci-fi conventions have security.

Z List –  The Guardian’s Village Idiot = ($)

  • A kind of Anti-Author.
  • Motivated by delusions of relevancy, crowd sources witch hunts against writers higher on the list.
  • Collects the opposite of royalties, and actually has to be paid a strange sort of “Book Welfare” to produce a book.

 

Keep in mind that most of us started way down on this list and you can move up and down as your career progresses.  Who knows? Tomorrow the Guardian might say you’ve irreparably damaged your career, and I’ve personally found that will bump your royalties up at least one level on the list!

So carry on, noble author, and let’s defeat that alphabet by making readers happy and selling piles of books!

Various Updates, Cons, Podcasts, Contests, Books, and Stuff
Live tweet interview tonight

Leave a Reply

316 Comments on "The Official Alphabetical List of Author Success"


Guest
1 year 10 months ago

What would J.K. Rowling be?

Guest
Jen
1 year 10 months ago

I’m pretty sure she’s considered under “A”, given the whole “Characters from their books get their own theme park.”

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Nah. Rowling has transcended the Latin alphabet. People just throw random greek symbols at her and call it good enough.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

She has multiple theme parks, so I’m guessing A list.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Dang it, I need to remember to hit refresh before posting a comment on Larry’s blog.

Guest
NowhereMan
1 year 10 months ago

A and Z, I suppose, since she made a boatload of money with her work (A), and since she got an 8000-pound grant from the Scottish Arts Council to write her first book (Z).

I think that’s called a split.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

I’ve started, scrapped, and restarted and finished a book and put it out to beta readers since April (Just waiting to hear back from them at this point). I just can’t see spending four plus years working on a single book.

Honestly, how long until you are just sick of the story yourself? I mean, I understand honing it as well as you can, but day-um.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

“Honestly, how long until you are just sick of the story yourself? I mean, I understand honing it as well as you can, but day-um.”

The mileage varies per author and writing method. There’s one book I’ve been working on steadily for four years and another I’ve been working on intermittently for ten.

I’m aware of “devoting years to polishing a breakout novel only to have the inevitably rushed sequel flop” syndrome. So those four steady years include writing a draft, setting it aside to crank out a short story or novella, redrafting, seeking advice from beta readers/writing a short story while I wait, revising, querying agents and editors, revising per editorial feedback, repeat.

This method of “setting manuscripts on the window sill to cool” while starting another project has helped to keep me interested so far. Still, Brandon Mull nailed it when he said that by the time he’s done with them, his books feel like movies he’s already seen a dozen times.

Guest
Wes S.
1 year 10 months ago

“Subsidizing art is foolish, but luckily even my stupid government isn’t quite that stupid… Yet.”

Well, except for the National Endowment for the Arts (they haven’t funded novels, AFAIK, but they have contributed to everything from Harry Reid’s cowboy poetry to Robert Mapplethorpe’s gay S&M photos and that “Piss Christ” guy).

And PBS, of course.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

haha so very good

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Ooh! I’m J-List! (only I don’t check Amazon every hour. Or even every day. So maybe halfway to I). Thanks, Larry, this is funny 😀 Oh yeah, did someone tell you about DW’s blog? He thinks you’re a rootin’ tootin’ gun-shootin’ something or other based off my list.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Oh, Damien’s mouthing off again?

TO GOOGLE!

Guest
Practical Mike
1 year 10 months ago

I don’t know… I went to his blog and about all I see are articles about writing. Which, according to this list, makes that the most useless blog in the history of useless blogs.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Yeah, there wasn’t much there.

I think Damien had a massive thing for Helen Thomas, and now that he’s lost his opportunity, it’s made him just flat out grump.

Don’t worry Damien. Even as a corpse, she’ll turn you down every time. 🙂

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Helen Thomas? Gack… sorry, I just threw up a little in my mouth.

If Damien misses her that badly, he should just search on Youtube for “Loco Mama”. That might help him out, though I recommend normal people have some eye bleach handy. *evil grin*

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

One can hope. One can hope.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

You know what, I think he’s got a thing for Larry. It must be. He keeps fixating on him, and let’s be honest, Larry ain’t that controversial. It’s either that or… er, I have nothing. Can’t think of another reason.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

The International Lord of Hate (TM) isn’t that controversial?

Remember, to someone like Damien, we’re all controversial unless we decide to shut up and get to the back of the SF bus like good non-Libprogs.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Oh, so my normal is now abnormal? First world problems. *sigh*

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

I wouldn’t go that far. I’d still say you’re abnormal, but in all the cool ways. 😀

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Ah, that’s ok then. Carry on. :-p

Guest
Christopher M. Chupik
1 year 10 months ago

Insinuating Damien has a thing for Helen Thomas? That’s almost going too far.

*Almost*. 😉

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

With Damien?

NEVER!

OK, it might be a bit rough on Helen Thomas, but I doubt she’ll complain.

Guest
Christopher M. Chupik
1 year 10 months ago

I’m impressed. He actually linked your list. And not in the pissy do-not-link way, either.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

And it should be telling that I have received about two hits, versus hundreds from Larry mentioning it on Feb… Not even on the blog.

Guest
Christopher M. Chupik
1 year 10 months ago

😀

Guest
Quatermain
1 year 10 months ago

Behold the Suffering Artist Beset By Philistines:

“God gives out money to those he doesn’t bless with talent.” – Damien Walter

Guest

I’m a bad girl and the first thing I thought when I saw ‘J-List’ was… well… J-list.com.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

I take it that’s something I should probably avoid while I’m at work?

Guest

…yeah. ^^; The safe for work general products stuff is jbox.com

Guest
junior
1 year 10 months ago

Probably. J-List.com is also the first thing that popped into my mind, and it’s a company that specializes in selling Japanese stuff that’s only available in Japan to US clients. And a lot of that stuff is (unsurprisingly) porn, or otherwise sex-related…

So yeah, randomly wandering around that site while at work is probably not a good idea.

Guest
Expendable Henchman
1 year 10 months ago

OK ‘Shadowdancer Duskstar / Cutelildrow’ you just leveled up on my list.

Not for liking the site, but for being self confident enough to say so.

Guest

I like the site coz there are some things I can get from there that may be out of stock elsewhere. Like this <a href="http://www.1999.co.jp/eng/10247517"lovely figure. My usual place to buy figures (Hobby Search) went out of stock on this practically the moment it came out, and I happily paid the markup fee for it. They’re also a nice place to look at/source artbooks from (Surprised my hubby with a Guilty Crown artbook and was able to snag a couple of Touhou artbooks that came with DVDs that included the WIP-to-final files). And one day, I’ll get myself that single-serve microwave rice cooker, because there are days that waiting for 15 minutes for rice to cook is too long and I want my rice now!

*grin* that they happen to sell pr0n too doesn’t bother me in the least. I don’t order from them often though, because they have a rather high charge for shipping to where I live. For this somewhat lapsed otaku, it’s a bit of an ‘ah well…’

Guest
Ad Astra
1 year 10 months ago

I’m just gonna take a wild guess that this “J-list” involves tentacles doesn’t it?

Guest

Well, they sell a drink called Tentacle Grape…

But yeah, there’s gonna be some of the other tentacle thing going on too. If the hentai ain’t your thing though, they have a version of the site that omits it, JBox.com I prefer CDJapan and it’s affiliate sites for most stuff though, and Hobby Search for figures, and a few good ebay sellers. JList has the occasional doujin-work up for sale (Kinda sad I missed out on Carnelian’s artbook; her stuff is pretty… but you’re not likely to find it if you go for the Safe For Work site because some of the work she does goes straight to hentai or yaoi/yuri visual novel games – some of which actually got the hentai stripped out and turned into mainstream anime.)

Guest
junior
1 year 9 months ago

Ad Astra,

Think of it as an online department store that specializes in anything and everything that might be of interest to anime fans (which means a certain amount of branching out as well). Talking about tentacles on J-List is kind of like asking if Amazon carries steampunk.

😛

Unlike Shadowdancer, I haven’t used the site myself (or J-Box). But I see their banner ads a lot. I would imagine that most of the stuff on their site is work safe. But it’s always the porn that gets the attention (though given J-Lists banner ads, they probably don’t mind). And if the J-List site runs their own banner ads (which frequently include border-line risqué anime females), then you might not want co-workers looking over your shoulder even if you stay in the non-adult products.

Guest

Heh, it’s probably the adverts, on reflection, that relegate emails from them being sent to my spam box. I wish it didn’t do that the first time I ordered something from them because it cost me being able to respond about a pre-order about a set of little Tachikoma figures. (The 1-person sized cute run with AIs spider-mech from Ghost In The Shell: Stand Alone Complex)

But yeah, I prefer Hobby Search for figures. I’ve never had a problem with them, and they’re great about responding to customer queries and emails. A birthday pressie for my hubby arrived just yesterday and she now graces the space above his computer.

Guest
Draven
1 year 9 months ago

Like this one? *holds up Tachikoma*

Guest

Yeah, aren’t they cuteeee?!

The specific set I was getting was the Tachikoma-nia set, which was a set of five or so and you could pile them on top of each other, like those panda figurines that look like they were made of mochi.

When I was trying to get them a set was about 30 dollars plus shipping. Now they’re over a hundred dollars… Q_Q I wanted to pile them around my hubby’s figure of the Major, for the lulz.

Guest
junior
1 year 9 months ago

Doh. Missing out on that collection sucks! You could have put one up on a soap box, and reenacted the Call to Marxism scene!

(They did have that scene in the TV series, didn’t they? I’m pretty sure that wasn’t a manga-only thing.)

Guest

I think they did, actually; but one of these days I’ll actually sit down and watch all of GitS-SAC. I like the idea of the re-enactment. I dunno; maybe I’ll save up for the set, even if it’s expensive, but I get distracted by things like books and manga.

Oh, they have a prequel series now, according to TVTropes.

Guest
1 year 9 months ago

Prequel series? Is that Arise?

Guest

Yep, Arise.

Guest
1 year 9 months ago

Exxxxxxcellent, ty…. /steeplesfingers /Mr Burns

Guest

You’re welcome – Rhys and I have it on our pile of Things to Try Find And Buy. Don’t know if Madman Entertainment’s gotten it yet.

Guest
junior
1 year 9 months ago

I would imagine so. But I’m inclined to think that it’s another alternate setting for GitS (so we’ve got four now? Manga, Movies, SAC, and now Arise), as I think the very first episode disagreed with SAC about how and when Togusa joined Section 8.

Now if only they could get even *one* decent Appleseed animated story out…

/gripe

Guest

Yeah, I wasn’t very happy with the latest series, but I actually enjoyed the CG-animated movies. (and of course, the classic cel-animated Appleseed…)

Guest
junior
1 year 9 months ago

Oh, yeah, the CG movies *looked* gorgeous. But the storylines… well…

Also, did you know that Briareos is black?

😛

There’s supposed to be a new animated OVA/Movie/Thing that just got released, though it’s not supposed to look as good. I only found out about it the other day completely by accident.

Guest

Yep, I did, and that Deunan is, for all intents and purposes an ethnic mutt (and her mother, while never shown as far as I recalled, was hinted at to be black as well). Hubby has the translated manga collected. Some of our early ‘dates’ (such as they were) involved us sitting on his bed and reading his collection and watching Serial Experiments Lain

I’d be quite happy with the style of the CG movies and actually following the manga – at least storylinewise; that’d be nice.

I’m trying to remember the other TV series that’s supposedly set in the same universe as GitS, but something like a hundred years prior. It was reputedly more cerebral and less action-based but I never got around to watching it (was too busy with jobs at the time.)

Guest
junior
1 year 9 months ago

Here we go…

Appleseed Alpha – advance digital release 7/15/2014. Supposedly a prequel to the first movie, featuring Deunan and Briareos before they went to Olympus.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

I actually figured out most of the people who you are alluding to in the down below part of the list.

Guest
Christopher M. Chupik
1 year 10 months ago

I knew where the list was headed as I read down towards Z. But it was still fun to get there.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Reblogged this on electricscribbles and commented:
HA! HA! Love it…except I’m officially in the “U” List at this point. Still love it.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

“U” list for me. I will write something…someday. No seriously, I will! When, that is the question. Love the post Larry, you slay me man.

Guest
Christopher M. Chupik
1 year 10 months ago

I’m P-list, but at least I’m not obnoxious.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Applebees have half-price appetizers after 9. That’s about the only time we go (and we don’t get an entree). 🙂

Guest
david mills
1 year 10 months ago

“S” is good right?

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Woot! I’m M list. Go me!

Guest
Christopher M. Chupik
1 year 10 months ago

Well, you *are* the King of the World, after all. 😉

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

OK, so I’m an L-list writer. At this point, I’m not really going to complain.

But at least my stuff has “too much insane killing”. Of course, if she thought that, she’s gonna LOVE the next book. 😀

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Or possibly M-list. I’m not really sweating it at this point. 🙂

Guest
Christopher M. Chupik
1 year 10 months ago

I’m looking forward to the O-list . . . so I can turn down SFWA membership.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Well, since I’m indie, I don’t “count” for SFWA anyways.

Of course, my feelings on SFWA are pretty well known at this point. 🙂

Guest
Practical Mike
1 year 10 months ago

Tom… all you need to do to rock the literature world is make Helen Thomas a sympathetic and believable heroine in your next romance novel. Good luck with that. 🙂 Guaranteed president of the SFWA in for you if you can pull that off.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

I could, but then at some point I would suck start my CZ-75B.

And really, the world would be better for it.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Is that a Dirt bike or a Makarov?

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

I’m more of a gun guy, so…

Guest
Practical Mike
1 year 10 months ago

So… that’s a gun your ride in the dirt?

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

That’s a personal question, and frankly it’s none of your damn business! 😛

Guest

I’m on L-list; did alright at one point; bought my kids some clothes with the money. That’s not too bad, in my opinion!

Here’s to climbing higher for us! *waves banner of encouragement!* 😀

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

WOOHOO!!

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

For the record, my royalties pay for my gym membership. So, it’s doing something to save my life. 😀

Guest

Actually, now that I think about it, some of the money also went to computer components. Like video cards and more RAM.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Mine probably should get saved up for a new laptop. I’ve worn this one slap out.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

I’m L-list too. I’m using the funds from the last books to pay for the next ones, but if the trend continues, in a few months I’ll be able to go to St@rbucks and get the big latte (or buy new tires for the pick-up. Those might be cheaper). Whee! The life of a wild and crazy writer!

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

As an S list, I some day aspire to L (and eventually beyond.). You’re further up the chart than I am. Keep climbing (which is the beauty of ladders).

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Hey, I’m only down to U-List. I’m impressed. 🙂

Guest

@ Wayne: For my own stuff, not the ones I’m co-author on, I’m in the U-list too. Writer aspirants U-nite~!

Guest
Expendable Henchman
1 year 10 months ago

Well, with the mortgage definition, I technically hit “I” one month.

Guest

*grin* Congratulations~

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Part 2 of this blog post would be charting your rise from N to D. 🙂

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Larry, I hate you right now. Do you have any idea how painful shooting Black Cherry Mountain Dew Kickstart out your nose is?

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

I’m a cross between S and U by the way. Don’t waste time being a troglodyte.

Guest
Thomas Kurz
1 year 10 months ago

Hi, Larry,

what happened to the T-List?

Guest
oldnfo
1 year 10 months ago

Nothing in the double letters yet??? Damn… One book, no panels (no invites either), but I CAN order appetizers (occasionally)… 🙂 I’d say I’m about AD… Maybe single letter one of these days…

Guest
nissmo91
1 year 10 months ago

You get that next book out you will be single digits!

Guest
oldnfo
1 year 10 months ago

LOL, working on it…

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Time to break out the Dr. Seuss On Beyond Zebra edition….

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

When people ask, I tell them that my royalties put gas in my Harley. Folks who ride know just how small a tank that is. 😉 So I guess I’m “N List”?

Where’s my Nebula for “If You Were a 2009 Sportster, My Love?”

Guest
Wes S.
1 year 10 months ago

OK, that’s hilarious.

…Just wondering – given the likely outcome of this year’s Hugo voting – where the late Robert Jordan fits in on this list. (I’m guessing he still qualifies as an A-lister, despite that whole being dead thing. Brandon Sanderson, OTOH, is probably right there with Larry…)

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Loved this post. Needed this post. I’m an aspirer, but I’d love to be where you are.

Guest
Expendable Henchman
1 year 10 months ago

It’s easy. Just be born a hard working farm boy, hold down two jobs and have a part time job writing as well.

Part time job like “I show up every morning ready to write at 5:00 am, write till 8:00 am, then go to my other jobs.” 7 days a week.

When you get writer’s block, just remember that plumbers can’t get ‘plumber’s block’. They still have to work, regardless of how they feel that morning.

And yes, that’s all pretty much a direct quote from our host.

Guest
RightWingProf
1 year 10 months ago

Gee – W and Z-List sounds familiar. Once again, you win the internets.

Guest
Wes S.
1 year 10 months ago

I’m thinking “Y” is pretty familiar, too. OTOH, I’m not sure I want to know who “X” is…

😛

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Then avoid furry conventions.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Doc M, that’s actually kinda unfair to fursuiters. Most of the ones I’ve seen are actually pretty good, from a technical viewpoint, and generally well cared for. (At hundreds of $$$ for a good suit, you bet your ass they’re not going to leave it uncared for.)

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Larry, you should probably mention on the Z-list that said “author” has mentioned that his “baby” is in its 17th trimester, which means he’s been “writing” it for over four years.

I’m trying to figure what’s the deal. I mean, is he trying to use telekinesis to hit the keys?

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

For clarification, this is not to take away from people who work full time and only have a few minutes per day to write. However, Damien has written volumes bashing real writers, so he gets special ridicule. 🙂

Guest
Jared Anders
1 year 10 months ago

For a lot of writers the problem comes down to “PEBKaC” otherwise known as “ass (not) in chair” syndrome. I’m delighted to currently be an S-list author, and I work full time. (It’s still up from where I started after all) There a lot of days I don’t do any writing, sometimes for legit reasons some for stupid ones. But a mere 250 per day still gets you a rough draft in about a year for anything besides door stoppers.

Mr. Z-List is a reporter about things a lot of authors do on their free time anyway, so I have little to no sympathy for him taking so freaking long to write a book as he almost certainly has more time than the rest of us.

Of course… if the goal is writing a book you can actually sell, well that takes a lot more work. Most of us are following the plan of write a book, edit it, put it out there, and immediately start writing a new book, with the hope that each one gets better by process of practice. Pretty sure he’s taking the lit professor route where he flails on a single book until its perfect.

And now back to editing for me. S-List isn’t a bad place to be for awhile, but I aspire to a bit higher than that.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Well, you know, a book a decade is apparently a solid pace for someone like him.

Of course, the fact that no one who reads the first book will even remember his name when the next one comes out is irrelevant.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

What category is “The SJW whose books are an excuse to have a blog where one bloviates about social injustices?”

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

I’d guess Q, if I’m identifying some of his digs correctly.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Ah! Right you are! LOL How did I overlook that?

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

It happens. 🙂 There are a lot of them int there.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

I seem to be in the process of graduating from S to N, but my Evil Alter Blogger, H. Smiggy McStudge, is auditioning for Q. (It’s a great relief to have an outlet for my inner arsehole; and some people seem to be amused by the snark.)

Anyway, while I do seem to be stuck in the back half of the alphabet, there is some relief in knowing that there are writers worse than myself. Thanks.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Hanging out here at the S – mart. ;o) Chainsaws are on aisle 12.

Guest
Doug
1 year 10 months ago

P List for the win! Woo woo!

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Reblogged this on mishaburnett and commented:
I’m an O gunning for N–except I never check my Amazon stats.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

U-list all the way, bay-be! Unless writing snarky blog posts counts for something. I guess I could edit ’em and put them up on Amazon… heck, if Scalzi can publish his email, that’s *got* to be proof that *someone* would buy my loosely-knit ravings.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Thanks for this list. You made this author laugh and get back to work. 🙂

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Clamps ranked higher than Damien? Endless LOLs! Thanks Larry, this is full of Awesome And Win.

I guess writing about “sparkling fish semen” gets you ranked higher than writing nothing at all! 😀

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Well, in his favor, Yama has actually “written” some stores and put them on DeviantArt, which puts him just ahead of Damien.

On the other hand, this post will spawn a thousand Yama-Alts to slam it.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

“•The reason sci-fi conventions have security.”

I just had an evil, yet thoroughly hilarious mental image: Clamps going to Wiscon.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

I LOLed, and it came out evil….

Of course, Clamps going to WisCon would require either a popular author like Larry going there, or an attractive Asian woman for him to stalk, and since both are an impossibility there, they’re safe for now.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Damien actually has some stories story-shaped mud-pies on his blog. Clamps’s scribbles can be entertaining in the manner of Eye of Argon; Damien’s writings, while more literate, have no such redeeming value.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

I have dozens of stories on my DA Account, and even chapters of my book in (slow) progress. The difference being people have liked them enough for me to decide to take them “Pro” (since writing isn’t really appreciated on DeviantArt). I’ve even submitted to Asimov’s a time or three, and these days I think of those rejections with pride now that they run stories about Aliens eliminating all men or space chickens that make wormholes by running in circles.

Now while asking for a Book Bomb for a Novelette is a but presumptuous, I wouldn’t mind a Book Grenade….

Guest
Christopher M. Chupik
1 year 10 months ago

Dr. Mauser: I had no idea Asimov’s had gotten *that* bad. 🙁

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

That was a few years ago. I finally let my subscription lapse, but I have about a year and a half of unread issues stacked up.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Once I learned what to look for, I began to see checklist liberalism crammed into stories. A possibly interesting story of a conflict between humans and Monstrous creatures at the terminator line of a tidally locked planet eventually turned the female “Protagonist” (not the best word, viewpoint character?) against her own kind, and she becomes a sort of cultural anthropologist sympathetic to the creatures that got wiped out, and it was full of anti-military screeds, and then, on the last page, for the extra point, she’s revealed to be a lesbian.

Guest

They’ve gotten reviewed too, though he’s not happy about the review either.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

I like my reviews. Just wish I had more. (Two people promised reviews last week.)

Guest

Yeah, well, Clamps doesn’t need a subsidy for his … stuff… so that’s actually a valid point higher than the Guardian Village Idiot.

I laughed, somewhat like Vincent Price I think, because my kids ran in wanting to know what’s so funny.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

*Proudly hoists his U-List banner from atop mount Aspirant!*

However, its the wife who actually fulfilled the primary mission of GET PAID for getting her books on Perl published. Kind of the triple salchow inverted half-pipe of the GeekTechPub universe.

Me? I just keep threatening to stop putting random game setting crap on google sites and actually try my hand at a coherent story line one of these days…

Guest
Pete
1 year 10 months ago

Hey! I’m a U-list writer! However, if I should ever find the time to write, I’m more than a little afraid that I’ll end up a Y-List…

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Since you recognize that, it’s far, far less likely to happen since the Y-Listers are convinced their stuff is the very, very best out there.

Guest
Pete
1 year 10 months ago

HAH! you have no idea what goes on in my head.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Don’t worry, the Y List currently only has a population of one (AFAIK). Clamps is on a plane all his own.

Guest
Pete
1 year 10 months ago

Oh… Clamps… OK, missed that reference. I’m pretty sure I can write stuff better than that. So, that would advance me to what? T-List?

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Not really sure, but it damn sure keeps you out of the Y-list.

And really, DW being ranked behind a pathetic troll like Clamps? I mean, at that point, you just should give up at life and become a hobo.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

He writes for the Guardian. Close enough.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Nah. The Guardian “writer” is the Z-list. Y is everyone’s favorite troll, Clamps, Yamamama the Space Fish, Whatever the hell he’s calling himself today.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

I meant: Writing for the Guardian is close enough to being a Hobo.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Ah, OK. Fair enough. 🙂

Guest
sabrinachase
1 year 10 months ago

This list needs its own mini-wiki. I can see detailed entries for each letter, with known habitat, seasonal plumage, allergies, alignment on the lawful-legacy, chaotic-indie spectrum, etc. Four lines per entry are not enough for all the pent-up snark I *know* is out there.

Guest

*grin* yes, it needs to happen. Do you know how to start one?

Guest
kunkmiester
1 year 10 months ago

There are places online like wikispaces that host wikis. Just create an account, and start writing.

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

I guess I’m on the Q list, sort of. I sold a few technical magazine articles years ago. But one of them got footnoted in someone else’s article, so I guess that makes me An Authority!

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

An absolute hoot as always Mr. Corriea! 😀
I’m all the way up at the S list, whoo!

I have had a question nagging at me for some time now, and although I doubt it will be read it can’t hurt to mention it.
I’ve read before that you promoted your work heavily, but how does someone do that without acting like an annoying parasite? I know it’s the internet, but I do believe in some level of etiquette so that one isn’t lumped in with spammers.

I’d appreciate any reply or input anyone else might have. 🙂

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Murgy
1 year 10 months ago

I’m sensing a capitalistic opportunity here.

“Become a Evil League of Evil author, and get your rank Certified by the International Lord of Hate, for the low, low price of only $$$, today!”

Badges, web icons, certificates, monthly dues – I’ve got to get on this!

(Right after I finish a book. Novella. Short story. Drabble. Something!) 😀

Guest
John C Wright
1 year 10 months ago

Let me see: Despite the many kind compliments I have received from my fellow Evil Overlords, I hover somewhere around K list, the guy who hopes his fan (Hi, Mom!) won’t realize he steals all his ideas from role playing games, whereas Larry Correia is solidly at D List.

I hope he and I can still be members of the United Underworld of Evil together, despite the huge gap. I can be the Toad to Larry’s awesome Magneto.

By awesome, I mean I just read the scene in MONSTER HUNTER VENDETTA where the hero has the stuffing kicked out of him by lawn ornaments, and you know who I mean, and I turned to the wife and said, “Any reviewer who thinks this is Mary Sue wish fulfillment either (a) should report to the depersonalization machine of Ming the Merciless to have their brains removed (http://www.hark.com/clips/kmgvfzzxkr-emptying-your-mind) or (b) has very, very odd ideas about what wishes he thinks the author wants to fulfill.”

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

U list … someday I might make it up to S list. 😀

Guest
Lea
1 year 10 months ago

U List – The Aspiring
•Thinking about writing something.

Or more accurately, wrote about 20 pages and then drifted back to real life for a while. Then started something else. Sigh.

LOL at the Peter Dinklage part of the metric!

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Mr. Correia, you are a national treasure

Guest
AaronD
1 year 10 months ago

Wow, I actually read some of the stuff about Yama and the stalking bit. He’s a real creep. I guess I’m between U and V, since I’m told I’m a good writer, but I’m not pursuing the career.

Guest
Fruitbat44
1 year 10 months ago

Interesting list, but commercial success is not an indicator of quality.

No I am not a type ‘R.’ (Thank gawd!) More of a ‘U’ with a couple of long ago shots at ‘S’

But as an example John Biggin’s historical adventure novels which kicked off in 1991 with ‘A Sailor of Austria.’ Everyone I know who read them said how great they were and made favourable comparisons with the Flashman novels. Yet they never caught on, and Mr Biggins gave up the series in ’95.

Okay, taste is subjective so maybe these stories weren’t actually that great. But I don’t think so. Or maybe Stephanie Meyer’s prose really does rock! -g-

Btw and FWIW, I have read, and enjoyed ‘Twilight.’ But I never felt the urge to read any others in the series.

And, of course, commercial success is not an indicator of an absence of quality ‘cos people will read good stuff and pay good money for the privilege.

Well that’s my two-pennyworth of IMHO.

Apart from, the Type-Zeds; are they really idiots? Okay they may not write anything anyone wants to read, but they still manage to make a living doing it . . .

Guest
DaveP.
1 year 10 months ago

“Sailor of Austria”: I’ve read ’em, loved ’em, and passed them on to two of my fellow history nerds. Sad that there won’t be any more.

Guest
Fruitbat44
1 year 10 months ago

Ditto. And of course, now we’ll never know what Flashman got up to during the American Civil War. -sigh-

Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Hmmm, I have one Novelette on Amazon, I think that gets me all the way up to N. I’ve gotten away from checking the stats daily though. It is interesting on an intellectual level to try to guess at the math when it takes a day to drop 100,000 rank points right after a sale, but two weeks to lose 100,000 points as you approach the million mark (and then jump back up 900,000 points with one sale. Wash, Rise, Repeat.)

Guest
Mitchell
1 year 10 months ago

Be silent and accept my forceful remuneration this instant!

I love your work.

(Now…the next MHI book?)

Guest

You need something more precise. Maybe a modification of James White’s Sector General Species code for aliens (eg. DDBO, the sentient caterpillars and it scares me I remembered that). One letter for financial success, one letter for recognizability, one letter for asshole quotient, etc.

For example, Stephen King: A for wealth, B for recognizability (some people just don’t read), A for assholery, R for Vanity (I’m so big I can sell my garbage!), etc.

So Stephen King, Type ABAR out to as many figures as you need…

Guest
Fruitbat44
1 year 10 months ago

For Mr King you could legitimately add an ‘H’ to his code. As to quote Mr Correia “He’s also one of the best damned wordsmiths who has ever lived.”

Caveat; when he’s on form. I haven’t read much, if any, of his recent stuff. But what I did came across as being written on auto-pilot. But at his best, well, he earned his A.

JIMHO of course, but I do recall picking it up one of his at 3pm and finishing it a 3am . . .

Guest
DaveP.
1 year 10 months ago

King and Rice have the same problem in that they’re too big to edit and as a consequence their books get bigger and thicker till you could use them to prop up heavy machinery. The last King book I read (IT) would’ve been 35% better if it had been 20% shorter, and from what I’ve seen they’ve just gotten worse from there. King’s best work is his short stories, some of which are real art.

Guest
Scott
1 year 10 months ago

Dr Sleep was the best King book I’ve read since the late 80’s. Sobriety seems to be good for him.

Guest
Pat Berry
1 year 10 months ago

As a My Little Pony fan, I was all set to object to your description of X-List authors writing “violent pornographic bondage fan fiction involving My Little Ponies.” Then I remembered that I’ve actually seen some of that stuff, and if anything, your description doesn’t do justice to its awfulness.