Monster Hunter Nation

Porchupine!

 

So I get a call this morning from my neighbor Brent. “What’re you doing?” “Working on Monster Hunter Legion. Why?”  “Because I’ve got a porcupine on my deck and it won’t leave.”

Okay, that I had to see.

Don't laugh. The Crocodile Hunter got killed by a stingray, and you can pet those at the acquarium...

This guy just didn’t want to get off the porch. And man, he could chuck quills way far. When Brent poked him with a shovel handle, he embedded a quill into the wood. It was like holy crap in there too. Moral of this story, don’t cuddle a porcupine. 

I wasn’t sure if you were allowed to shoot porcupines, so we called and asked DNR. Yes. You can. Okay, good to know if he then went into a berserker quill flinging rampage of death.  So just in case I brought a suppressed .223, because won’t somebody think of the safety of the children! (and their hearing!)

But luckily, we squirted him with a hose for awhile and he finally got tired and scurried away to live under Brent’s basketball hoop. There was no quill flinging death rampage. They’re funny looking when they run with all their quills stuck up. I wish I would’ve got an action shot on my phone, but I had my left hand on the hose and my right on my .45. (Quill flinging death rampage possibilites, remember?)

I hear the new iPhone is going to have a single button for photos now instead of booting up a menu. I’m going to have to get one for future Yard Moose and Porchupine action shots.

Okay, now back to work! These novels don’t write themselves.

The New Tone

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Guest
Scott
4 years 22 days ago

So, will we be seeing a giant mutated Porchupine having a Quill flinging death rampage in MHL?

Guest
joe
4 years 20 days ago

Scott I was just going to say the exact same thing

I forsee Earl having a run in with a realy big mean one. (transformed and sane) and I can see Owen or Julie trying NOT to giggle and Holly just about peeing herself.

Guest
divemedic
4 years 22 days ago

Quill flinging death rampage has a certain ring to it, almost like a band name.

Guest
s.
4 years 22 days ago

They don’t really throw the quills. Or so I have been told. I prefer not to get close enough to test it.

Guest
STW
4 years 22 days ago

Porcupines are considered pretty good wilderness survival food; they’re slow enough that almost anyone with a stick has an almost ready to cook meal. Some folks consider it bad luck to kill one for that reason. I helped eat one once. It’s been 38 years and I’ve never gone back for seconds.

Guest
4 years 22 days ago

Scott, Chapter 12. Don’t tell anyone. And thank God it wasn’t a possum.

Guest
4 years 22 days ago

I can foresee a Correia scenario in which a porcupine is splattered with zombie guts, which get all over the quills, and then the little bugger runs off and infects an entire town’s population of dogs with zombie fever, and then MHI has to come and kill all the zombie dogs, and then PETA and the SPCA…

But I’ll let Larry write it.

Guest
4 years 22 days ago

Or the Gen 2 of the Combat Wombat, the Rampagupine.

Guest
4 years 22 days ago

This would never happen here in Europe, hedgehogs are just that more sedate :)

Guest
4 years 21 days ago

“DINSDALE!”

Guest
MadMusial
4 years 22 days ago

Possible new Weapon from Correia Tech combat porcupine? Some kind fletchet shotgun

Guest
Ray McCune
4 years 22 days ago

Try a few rabid Raccoons in an enclosed area…like an attic. And no where to go cause they got between you and freedom.
Can you say,’Scream like hell and while grabbing your Frost Cutlery 5 1/2″ Folding Short Sword’ while scrambling for better position to grab your cell phone and calling 911?
Happened to a fellow coworker. I was working downstairs and heard the screams. I distracted the little bastards and persuaded them to exit the attic toward the hole in the soffet. They went up and into an old tree nearby. My buddy was unharmed, but his shorts sure needed changing. Hot attic, full shorts. Not pretty.

True story.

Guest
CarryingColoradan
4 years 22 days ago

And by the way, “Quill Flinging Death Rampage” would make a great name for a metal band. That one’s on me, Dave Barry. Call me. ;^)
(props to divemedic)

Guest
sohmdaddy
4 years 22 days ago

It’s off the porch, but it sounds like no more basketball for Brent.

Guest
4 years 22 days ago

Y’know, porcupine isn’t bad eating.

Guest
4 years 21 days ago

“So at that point Pitt beat the ghoul to death with the porcupine?”

“Well, he wasn’t exactly beating the ghoul, it was more like by that point he couldn’t let go of the porcupine so he just started wailing on it…”

“But why. Did he pick. The porcupine up?

“Well…”

Guest
Laserlight
4 years 21 days ago

“Did you forget who we’re talking about?”
“Okay, yes, it’s Pitt. I got that. But….why….?”

Guest
4 years 21 days ago

“Well, Holly finally asked him and…”
“What did he say?”
(deep breath) “AAAAAAAAGH! GET IT OFF! FUCKFUCKFUCK!”
“You didn’t have to scream, man.”
“i wanted you to get the effect. Anyway, then Holly gets a ‘tude about his language and…”

Guest
Dave2
4 years 20 days ago

“… at that point all the shouting has caught the attention of the ghoul. So, the ghoul comes slavering towards us, Holly drew her gun, but Pitt’s shouting at her not to shoot while dancing around like a madman, swinging his arms and trying to shake the porcupine off. At this point, the little bugger has locked it’s claws around his wrist and appears to be having a grand old time!”

“Didn’t Pitt see the ghoul?”

“Naw. It was coming up behind him and I think he thought Holly meant to shoot the porcupine off his arm. So, Holly’s standing there with this puzzled expression on her face when Pitt’s flailing accidentally gives the ghoul a face full of porcupine…”

Guest
4 years 20 days ago

“Which of course won’t kill a ghoul…”

“No, but it damn sure gets its attention. So anyway, you got Pitt on one end of the porcupine and the ghoul on the other and they’re both screaming and swinging around so much the rest of the pack just panics and scatters…”

“That’s gonna make for a long night.”

“Tell me about it. Anyway, at that point enough quills come loose that the ghoul yanks free, but that just torques Pitt clean around and Smack! right back into the ghoul’s face again…”

Guest
Vaarok
4 years 21 days ago

Porcupine quills are way too light to even have enough inertia to be flung free when they try to whack enemie with their tails.

Also, while I know many people love killing them because they gnaw things, I always felt it was wasteful and needless. They crave salt and are damn near blind and harmless.

And many a time I’ve been the poor bastard sent under the porch to evict one with a broomstick. They do eventually get the idea and waddle off.

Guest
LittleRed1
4 years 21 days ago

They can be rough on car tires. No, not that way. They gnaw, or used to gnaw, on tires in winter to get the road salt if you parked outdoors overnight in areas where you had both salted roads and porcupines. “Bang!” flat tire and very startled porcupine.

Guest
warpcordova
4 years 21 days ago

I can just see Harbinger trying to fight a wereporcupine… it makes me giggle.

Guest
4 years 21 days ago

Not quite as bad as skunks under the house . . .

http://bayourenaissanceman.blogspot.com/2008/01/how-not-to-hunt-skunk.html

Guest
Vaarok
4 years 21 days ago

Wereporcupine? You spontaneously grow blind, fat, bowlegged, and wild-haired, with an insatiable craving for sweat?

Guest
4 years 21 days ago

Enough about my convention sex life. I blame it on the Cuervo…

Guest
4 years 21 days ago

Fair warning: the tips of those quills are sharper than you might believe, and they hurt- bad- going in. And hurt worse when you pull them out.

No, didn’t get crosswise of one: ex-wife wanted to try doing some quill embroidery and I traded for a couple of skins, and while working on the things got stuck a couple of times.

Guest
Dave2
4 years 20 days ago

All this said, I actually used to work somewhere where they had a baby porcupine that good-natured and sweet. His favorite thing used to be to cling to a leather glove and go for “rides”. You could even pet him: just VERY carefully.

Guest
4 years 20 days ago

For some reason I went to look up “porcupine” at Wikipedia and, half an hour later found myself reading about the sex life of the short-beaked echidna. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Short-beaked_Echidna#Reproduction

Damn you, time-sink internets!

Guest
ravenshrike
4 years 18 days ago

It would be amusing to see a time-lapse of that particular wiki page’s traffic both before and after you posted that.

Guest
4 years 17 days ago

Perhaps my first thought shouldn’t have been, “oh it’s so freaking cute, I want to cuddle it.” Damn…

Guest
4 years 17 days ago

Portrait of the author as porcupine wrangler…

http://tinyurl.com/3hz2p93

Guest
Martine
4 years 17 days ago

Really? You are laughing about killing a harmless animal? You could have just left the porch, and it would have been gone by the next day. You are seriously that heartless? I really didn’t quite get how seriously you undervalue life.

Guest
4 years 16 days ago

Maybe you missed the part where they used a hose to chase it off. No porcupines were harmed in the making of this post.

Guest
4 years 16 days ago

Pitt’s looked better, though.

Guest
4 years 14 days ago

@ Martine – I am Brent – this was my back deck and I was NOT about to let my 3 yo daughter outside with this wild animal out. My 3 children couldn’t play outside, I couldn’t use my BBQ grill and my dog couldn’t go outside to releive herself because a stupid porcupine was blocking the way. I was going to kill it – Larry is the one who stopped me and got me to back down. I live in the woods and must accept the fact that if I don’t stand my ground to animals they wil overrun me. I don’t hunt, or chase down things to kill but I will remove them if they need to be removed from my property. I also did not want another $250 vet bill to remove quills from my dogs face again, or another $400 surgury on my dog to remove an imbedded quill. We used a water hose – yes, WATER (sorry for the waste) to teach this animal that my home is not a safe place. Hopefully it will remember the experience and live a long happy life away from me and my family.

After it left I picked up as many quills off the ground as could find. My dog still found some, I’ve now pulled 2 from her mouth, one was lodged 5/8″ into her tongue! I appreciate wildlife but continue to protect my family from nuisance animals. Take a moment to see pictures I took of this porcupine, the quill that was removed from my dogs tongue and other animals that I’ve photographed and appreciated. If you following this link and visit my Flikr page you will see photographs of fish I have caught – they were all released after the pictures were taken: http://www.flickr.com/photos/40559761@N07/?saved=1

Guest
Jim March
4 years 16 days ago

It turns out that if you raise one like it was a puppy, you get:





Sigh. Yes, it’s by far the world’s cutest porcupine…

Guest
4 years 16 days ago

Doesn’t that women realize she’s in a savage death match with that vicious beast?

Guest
CarolG.
3 years 11 months ago

As a liberal, I must defend my name: I think your handling of the porcupine was just fine, fire arms used responsibly are a good idea, and people should be responsible for the consequences of their actions. Oh yes, I have killed my own food in the past and probably will do so in the future. (I won’t use a firearm only because I am not a good enough shot.) Just saying…