Well, it is that time of year again. As many of you know, the Christmas Noun series began in 2008 when I decided that I need to cash in… err… I mean satisfy my artistic vision, yeah that’s it, and write a Christmas novel. So, inspired by tales of Christmas Jars, Sweaters, Boxes, and other assorted nouns that have made giant piles of money, I wrote the epic novel, The Christmas (Noun). The Noun will be determined by my marketing department.
In The Christmas (Noun), young Tim overcame his hatred for Christmas, (to be fair, Christmas had killed his entire family) and through the power of the Christmas Noun and kung-fu moxy, Tim defeated the Anti-Clause in the Peppermint Thunderdome and saved Christmas forever. http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2008/12/22/the-christmas-noun/
Until Christmas was threatened again in the Christmas (Noun) 2: The (Noun)ening. This time a magic hat brought a snowman to life, and unlike the jolly, dancing Frosty, Stabby was more into stab-killing and world domination. Yet, through global warming power of love, the Christmas Noun, and the brutal disemboweling of former Vice President Al Gore, Christmas was saved forever again!http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2009/12/08/the-christmas-noun-2-the-nounening/
This year I wanted to give you something new. So, working along with brilliant visionary director, James Cameron, and super-science, this year’s Christmas Noun will be presented in revolutionary 3d. This is clearly several more dimensions than last year. Plus the soundtrack is by Mannheim Steamroller and Daft Punk! Through advanced technology, this is the best looking and sounding Christmas Noun yet.
However, since this blog is made of words and not pictures or sounds, you’ll just have to imagine extra hard.
Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to present to you excerpts from the third installment of the most important work of Christmas literature of our time…
The Gritty Reboot
Opening introduction narrated by Ron Perlman: Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer had been driven insane with a desire to kill.
All the other reindeer had laughed and called him names and wouldn’t let him join in any reindeer games… Until one day it pushed poor Rudolf over the edge into a berserk killing frenzy. He took out Dasher and Prancer with a meat cleaver, Donner and Dixon with a garden weasel, and Blitzen… Poor Blitzen… They’d never found his head. The crime scene elves had described the scene as one of shocking carnage, with venison spread from one end of Santa’s workshop to the other.
That had been ten long years ago. Rudolf was sent to the toughest joint at the North Pole. The day he arrived he killed a polar bear with a shiv made from a plastic spoon, just so everyone would know not to mess with him. Rudolf has spent the time since then preparing for his inevitable revenge, lifting weights, getting prison tattoos, and terrifying the sugar plum fairies. Prison is a tough place for sugar plum fairies.
Because Christmas… Christmas never changes…
From Chapter 1.
Saint Anger, Maximum Security Prison
Rudolf was wheeled out of his cell strapped down to a dolly, and guarded by half a dozen of Santa’s guard elves armed with nightsticks and Tasers, because he was one scary reindeer. Rudolf had a visitor.
“Nice mask, Hannibal Lecter,” said Mr. McScrouge, ruthless billionaire and bulldozerer of puppy dog hospitals.
“It really isn’t necessary,” said Rudolf. “I’m a herbivore. It isn’t like I’m going to eat anybody.”
“Of course. I’ve got a job for you, Mr. Rudolf.” Mr. McScrouge dramatically smoked his Cuban cigar like a good ruthless billionaire industrialist always should. “I’m tired of my plans to ruin Christmas always being thwarted by Tim and his precious Christmas Noun.”
Rudolf was surprised. “The Christmas Noun is free? But that means the time of the prophecy is at hand!”
“Huh? I don’t know about a prophecy. I just want you to murder Tim and get the Christmas Noun for me. Now, do we have a deal or not?” Mr. McScrouge checked his Rolex. “I’ve got to a golf date with Kayne West in an hour.”
“You got a deal,” Rudolf said craftily, but as soon as the elves unlocked him, he exploded into a brilliant flash of kung-fu reindeer murder. Elves went flying in every direction as Rudolf used his mad skillz. (it looks really good in 3D too!). Once the last elf was impaled on Rudolf’s antlers, Rudolf laughed triumphantly. “Fool. Now that I know the Christmas Noun is free, I will take it for myself. I will become the new Santa and I will rule the world!” Rudolf took off his Hannibal Lecter mask. “But first, I’m going to eat your liver.”
“But I thought you were a herbivore!” Mr. McScrouge cried fearfully.
From Chapter 2
Tim was working as a mall Santa to pay off his gambling debts. In proud action hero tradition, Tim had once again become down on his luck in the time between episodes. I mean come on, the Ghostbusters saved New York and by the sequel they were appearing at children’s birthday parties. Tim’s tequila-fueled addiction to betting on his fantasy football league is far more realistic.
“What do you want for Christmas, little boy?” Tim asked the little five-year-old boy sitting on his lap.
“I want an LWRC R.E.P.R. 7.62 NATO with the 18” medium weight match barrel, MagPul UBR stock, Geissele trigger, and it better have a Trijicon 3.5 power TA11J308 ACOG on it, or I’ll be pissed. ”
“You’ll shoot your eye out.” And Tim tossed the little boy down the slide. “Crap, is it closing time yet or what?”
“Tim! I am the Ghost of Christmas Future-Past!” said the Ghost of Christmas Future-Past in the mall parking lot.
“Lance Henriksen? Last year you were just the Ghost of Christmas Future.”
“Eh… Christopher Walken served all his community service hours… So I had to pick up the slack. But anyway, I’m here because Christmas is in danger again.”
“Again? Crap, dude. Why can’t it ever be, hey, Tim, Arbor day is in trouble? Or hey, Tim, help save Martin Luther King day? But noooooo… It’s always Christmas. So what’s the deal this time. Demons? Psychotic snowmen?”
“Rudolf the Red-Nosed reindeer.”
“Up yours, Bishop.”
From Chapter 4
“Oh, Tim,” said Sally Love-Interest. “You have to save Christmas again. It needs you.”
“But Sally, I have to be a reluctant hero. You can’t have a gritty reboot if the hero is all heroic right off the bat. If I remembered all the valuable lessons I learned last time, then there wouldn’t be a good character arc.”
“So… you’re trying to be like Spiderman? Where he just got dumber and whinier every movie?”
“Oh, hell no. If I ever get all emo like that, please just put a bullet in me.”
Suddenly ,Tim’s apartment exploded. When the smoke cleared, Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer was standing in the remains of Tim’s living room, holding the Christmas Noun in his hooves. “Ha ha ha! I have the Christmas Noun now! Nobody can stop me!”
“Dude! What the hell, man?” Tim shouted from where he was trapped beneath the rubble. “You trashed my place! I’ll never get my security deposit back now.”
From Chapter 6
Secret Headquarters of the Reindeer Liberation Front
“Rudolf!” Vixen shouted. “What are you doing here?”
“I escaped from prison, baby,” Rudolf said, because Vixen was the sexiest of the all of the other reindeer.
“But your presence endangers the entire Reindeer Underground.”
“The time for peaceful resolution is past. No more will our kind be forced to pull Santa’s fat ass around. I stole this magic Christmas Noun. Now I’ve got to find Santa’s Top Secret Naughty/Nice list. Whoever controls the List, controls the world.”
Vixen nodded her antlers thoughtfully. “You’ll never break into Santa’s workshop. His security is airtight. But Wikileaks has a copy of the Naughty/Nice List that they’ve been threatening to release.”
“Assemble your troops, Vixen. It’s time to deck the halls… with blood.
From Chapter 7
“Why am I tied up in a bathtub?” Julian Assange asked.
“Because Santa’s list said you’ve been naughty, only the fat man don’t have the stomach to take care of business. But I do,” Rudolf said.
“But information wants to be free!”
“You know what else wants to be free?” Rudolf lifted the bucket and let its contents slosh hungrily. “Piranhas, mother****er!”
“What’s that horrific screaming?” asked Sally Love-Interest.
Tim peeked through the window. “It looks like Julian Assange is being gradually devoured by piranhas… Man, that looks really painful. It’s like a Swedish meatball puree. This episode just earned an R rating. Oh my gosh, it’s even worse in 3D.”
“Shouldn’t we try to rescue him?”
“Meh… I’m sure all those informants he outed didn’t want to get their heads sawed off by the Taliban either. Let’s give those piranhas a minute.”
Tim and Sally waited. Apparently Rudolf’s piranhas had gotten stuffed quickly, so now they were just kind of listlessly nibbling, sort of a like how you get on Thanksgiving after you’re already full, but you keep going back to pick at that spiral-cut ham… thereby making Julian Assange’s death way longer and more agonizing. Tim played a few games of Angry Birds on his iPhone to pass the time.
From Chapter 9
The nuclear missile submarine surfaced, breaking through the polar ice near the Reindeer Underground secret headquarters. Lance Henriksen opened the hatch for Tim. “There’s not much time, Tim. You must hurry.”
“Because Rudolf gets more powerful the closer it gets to Christmas?”
“No, dummy… Do you have any idea how much it costs to rent a nuclear missile submarine? I’ve got to get this thing back before I rack up a late charge. Friggin’ Walken rented it, but he used my Discover Card. But yeah, that other thing too.”
Tim climbed down from the submarine. His Santa suit was festooned with weapons and ammunition. After the Reindeer Underground’s killing spree against the cast and audience of The View, Tim would take no chances. These reindeer were blood thirsty and unpredictable. Who would have expected Vixen to feed Joy Behar into a wood chipper on live TV?
It had been the highest rated episode of The View ever.
He’d only have one chance to rescue Sally from the nefarious hooves of Rudolf. He still couldn’t believe that she’d managed to get kidnapped again. That was like the tenth time she’d been kidnapped since they’d started dating. It was like her hobby. He was really thinking about getting her implanted with one of those satellite chips like they had for pets that kept running off.
From Chapter 10
Tim and Rudolf circled, each looking for an angle of attack. Tim’s Santa suit had gotten ripped, revealing his super chiseled action hero muscles. (the actor playing Tim was a background Spartan in 300). Rudolf’s kung-fu was strong, and his Prancing-Pony style was more than a match for Tim’s Black-Tiger style.
“So, Tim, at last we meet. I knew this day must come.”
“How come?” Tim asked.
“Because, I KILLED YOUR FATHER!” Dramatic music thundered along with this revelation.
“Whew!” Tim breathed a sigh of relief. “For a second I thought you were going to say you were my father.”
“I’m a reindeer. That would be biologically impossible.”
“Hang on. The first installment said that my father had died in a freak Christmas tree cutting accident.”
“It’s called RetCon. That’s the beauty of sequels, Young Tim.”
Good old Retcon. “Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer, you’ll go down and be history.” Tim charged.
Sally tested her shackles. She was as beautiful as she was stupid, but she knew that Tim was counting on her to escape and do stuff. “I’m going to escape,” Sally Love-Interest thought aloud.
“I’m right here,” said Vixen the reindeer terrorist. “I can totally hear you.”
“Oh… I should be more quiet while I plot my escape then.”
“Yeah… Wow. Who are you anyway?”
“I’m Sally Love-Interest. The hyphen is silent.”
The fight scene between Tim and Rudolf is absolutely epic. They’re flying back and forth, kung-fuing the hell out of each other. There’s like sparks and explosions and stuff. It’s Dragonball Z crossed with Mortal Kombat and the Matrix only in 3D!
“Hang on a second,” Rudolf said. “I’ve got to break the fourth wall for a minute to talk with the director.”
You can’t do that. James Cameron is a very important man, and he’s busy being visionary and stuff.
“Yeah, blah blah blah. Look at me, Mister I gave Smurfs 3D boob jiggle. Give me another Oscar,” said Rudolf. And then using the magic power of the Christmas Noun, Rudolf broke through the walls of space, time, and reality and kicked James Cameron square in the balls. “Suck hoof, James Cameron!”
Oh crap, that looked like it hurt.
“Pocahontas was my favorite movie, and you ripped it off, you son of a bitch!” Rudolf screamed.
Tim stopped kung-fu fighting long enough to bow to his opponent. “Rudolf, too bad you’re my mortal enemy, because you are awesome.”
Rudolf stopped fighting also. “You know, Tim. I never wanted it to be like this. I tried to stand up for equal rights for oppressed sentient reindeer. I was maligned and persecuted for my disfiguring red nose. They pushed me too far and in a moment of weakness, I snapped. Despite having saved Christmas because of my hideous glowing nose, Santa swept the whole incident under the rug and left me to rot in prison. I’m just trying to make things right”
“We don’t have to fight,” Tim suggested. “We can work out our differences. I know Santa. We can schedule peace talks.”
“You know… It is Christmas. I’ll call off my reindeer terrorists and return the Christmas Noun. Christmas should be a time of forgiveness and peace and good will to men.”
“To men…” Tim extended his hand. “And reindeer.”
Rudolf hesitantly lifted his hoof. “Peace, brother.” Tim and Rudolf shook on it.
Rudolf gasped and fell to the ground.
“Ha! Nailed him!” shouted Sally Love-Interest as she lowered the pistol she’d picked up off a dead reindeer terrorist. “Hooray for me! I escaped all by myself and finally got to save the day!”
Rudolf looked at Tim helplessly as he faded into oblivion. “Why… Tim? Why?” Then Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer died.
“Damn it, Sally! We’d just called a truce,” Tim shouted.
Tim rolled his eyes. It was a good thing that Sally was hot, because she really wasn’t very smart. “That’s cool. Come on, let’s go save Christmas.”
“Wait… Don’t I get to say something awesome?” Sally asked. “You always say something awesome when you kill the bad guy.”
“Okay, fine. Whatever.”
Sally stood over Rudolf’s corpse. She tried to make her best serious face. “Caribou. The other white meat.“
Tim sighed. It would have to do.
Final epilogue narrated by Ron Perlman:
Tim saved Christmas once again. He returned to his mall Santa job, content in his knowledge that the Christmas Noun was safe until Larry Correia needed to increase blog traffic next December.
Rudolf with his nose so bright guided his sleigh… straight to reindeer hell.
Sally Love-Interest got a job at Subway. She was later fired for inability to differentiate between the different types of bread.
Lance Henriksen completed his remaining court mandated community service hours and was released as the Ghost of Christmas Future Past. It is believed he still walks the Earth, righting wrongs, and protecting the innocent.
Julian Assange was devoured by piranha. The piranhas later developed tummy aches.
Vixen and the surviving members of the Reindeer Underground were interred in Guantanamo Bay until Attorney General Eric Holder insisted they be tried in regular federal court. Of the 2,798 counts of murder, extortion, kidnapping, robbery, terrorism, and bombing, Vixen the reindeer was convicted on two counts of Jay-Walking with Intent to Loiter. Vixen now teaches at the University of Chicago with Bill Ayers.
Santa Claus denied all knowledge of the existence of Rudolf or secret prisons at the North Pole. When asked for comment he was quoted as saying, “Ho Ho Who?”
Because Christmas… Christmas never changes…
Thus ends excerpts from The Christmas Noun 3D. For those of you just tuning in, I write real books for a living. The Christmas Noun is not one of them.
Merry Christmas, Monster Hunter Nation.
EDIT: Cover by Eric Westover