Several years ago a film crew from the television news program PrimeLine was given unprecedented access to the staff of Monster Hunter International, a secretive company headquartered in Cazador, Alabama. Chief PrimeLine reporter, Leslie Bing, after learning of the existence of monsters was committed to educating the public about their dangers. Mr. Bing’s original plan was to broadcast the interviews as a series of public service announcements before Halloween. However, the tapes were later seized by an unnamed federal agency and the staff of PrimeLine was admonished to never speak of monsters publically. The only thing that remains from these conversations are the transcripts of the original un-edited PSA footage, presented here for the first time.
Reception Area, MHI headquarters building
PL: I’m with Earl Harbinger, Director of Operations for MHI, a company that purportedly tracks down and destroys supernatural threats. So, Mr. Harbinger, this is your chance to tell the world about monsters. What does the public need to know to stay safe?
HARBINGER: You know they’re never gonna let you show this, right? Cold day in hell before that happens.
PL: Thank you for your concern, Mr. Harbinger, but here at PrimeLine, we’re dedicated to getting the truth.
HARBINGER: Uh huh… Good luck with that. Agent REDACTED will probably feed you into a wood chipper. If I were to say, on camera, that monsters were real, I’d get shut down by the REDACTED so fast your head would spin.
PL: Well, hypothetically… For our Halloween special, if monsters were real, what would you tell everyone?
HARBINGER: Hmmm… hypothetically? Buy guns. Lots of guns.
CUT TO: A different office.
PL: Julie Shackleford, MHI Contracts Manager, has agreed to speak with PrimeLine about a very serious threat. Ms. Shackleford?
SHACKLEFORD: The biggest danger to America’s youth is that whole emo-tween romantic vampire fiction crap that’s caught on. Movies, books, TV, its everywhere.
PL: Excuse me?
SHACKLEFORD: You know, Anne Rice started it, with her brooding, sensitive vampires. Come on, pre-crazy Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt in one movie? That’s some man candy. Then you got Twilight, oh barf, where sparkly vampires don’t want to eat you, they just want to be loved and all that EXPLETIVE DELETED. It sends the wrong message to young women. What kind of hundred year old hangs out a high school to pick up dates? Weirdo pedophiles. That’s who. Real vampires love those books. It makes picking up victims much easier.
SHACKLEFORD: Absolutely. Speaks directly to camera. Listen, girls. I know you like that whole ‘bad-boy-but-I-can-change-him’ thing, but real life vampires aren’t sensitive, they aren’t sparkly, and they don’t want to be your boyfriend. They want to eat you. Sucking your blood is not a euphemism, they literally want to suck your blood… out of your body. You kind of need that to, oh, not die. With vampires, when somebody says don’t forget to wear protection, we’re talking about body armor. The rates of vampire attacks have risen dramatically over the last few years against gullible teenagers because you’re just making this easier for them. Looks back at reporter. Hypothetically.
PL: Of course.
SHACKLEFORD: Looks back to camera. Vampires love you about as much as you love a Big Mac, honey. Deal with it.
Cut to: A very cluttered office
PL: Owen Zastava Pitt is the Finance Manager for Monster Hunter International. I’ve got to say, you don’t really look like an accountant.
OZP: Sorry, just got off the range. I like to shoot at least two hundred rounds before lunch every day.
PL: Am I reading this right? Studies piece of paper. Why do they call you the God Slayer?
OZP: Sighs. Kill one god, people get all worked up. Go figure. Drops a giant pile of guns on desk. Hypothetically, of course.
PL: So Mr. Harbinger has already talked to you?
OZP: Sent a company-wide e-mail, but yeah, I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve got a public service announcement for you. Picks stack of papers off of desk. This is valuable stuff and often overlooked by most people. Let’s say that you were to kill a monster, which could never actually happen, mind you, but say that you did kill an imaginary monster… How do you get paid?
PL: I have no idea.
OZP: This, holds up paper, is a Treasury Form P-3506. You need to submit one of these within sixty days of killing a monster. As you can see, you need to put in your PUFF table numbers, which you can get by cross referencing column J from page 56 of table P. I built a spreadsheet for this, but you can use the cross reference from ES-1920-B paragraph fourteen–
EDITORS NOTE: Several minutes of explanation have been deleted here. It was believed that the accounting details would put most PrimeLine viewers to sleep.
OZP: –then, and this is important, you still need to report this on your taxes. The 1040X is where you report PUFF income. Oh, man, the IRS will fine the EXPLETIVE DELETED out of you if you don’t fill out your schedule X every quarter!
PL: coughs politely. Thank you for your time, Mr. Pitt.
Cut to: outside of a workshop
Three individuals wearing baggy black outfits, masks, and tinted goggles have stopped the PrimeLine cameraman and are poking at him curiously. With sticks.
PL: Excuse me. Who are you?
?1: Stares. You… I seen on magic box.
?2: The Prime Lines?
PL: Why yes, that’s me on the… magic box.
?3: We be on magic box now?
?2: We for news! Curious. You know the Bills Oh-Reillys?
PL: No. I’m afraid he’s on a different network.
?2: Sadness. Likes the Oh-Reillys.
?3: grunts. Possible laugh? Pinheads. He he he.
?1: Suspicious. You know the Keiths the Olbers Mans?
?1: Good. Skippy would eat the heart… of Keiths the Olbers Mans.
?2: Foul beast, the Olbers Mans. #2 turns his head and spits on the ground.
The three mysterious individuals lose interest and wander off.
Cut to: Inside a very packed workshop.
PL: I’m here with Milo Anderson. MHI’s…. what is your title exactly, Mr. Anderson?
MILO: It’s just Milo. I don’t really have a title, though I’m thinking about putting Renaissance Man on my business cards. Earl said you guys were coming and that I wasn’t supposed to talk too much. I think he said be helpful, but non-committal.
PL: Well, if you’ve seen our program, then you know that we pride ourselves on hard-hitting, fact-filled, journalism—
MILO: Nope. Haven’t seen it. I get all my news from Coast to Coast AM. I’ve got a public service helpy thing for you, though. Pulls sheet off of workbench dramatically. Ta dah!
PL: What’s all this?
MILO: Now, you might be thinking this is just a bunch of household cleaning products and some lawn-care items that you could pick up at any Wal-Mart, but oh no, what you’ve got here are the ingredients to take care of even the nastiest monster problems. I want to do my PSA on how to build improvised home explosives!
PL: I don’t think we can air that.
MILO: Aw, come on! One bag of REDACTED mixed with REDACTED of a pound of REDACTED and I can do this. Milo picks up a sack, lights it on fire, and chucks it out the open doorway. You guys may want to cover your ears.
MILO: Waits for dust to settle. Coughs. Seriously. I think I should have my own show on the Discovery Channel. Each episode I could demonstrate all sorts of cool stuff. Now that would make for some good TV. How to build bombs and flame throwers for science! Could you pitch that for me?
PL: Thank you for your time, Mr. Anderson.
CUT TO: Reception Area, MHI headquarters building
PL: Thank you for having us, Mr. Harbinger. It’s been an interesting experience.
HARBINGER: Glad to be of assistance, Mr. Bing. They’re never gonna let you show this, though. When you run into Agent REDACTED and he threatens you and takes your files, don’t resist too hard, it just gets him in a punching mood.
PL: Do you have any closing statements for our viewers in order to prepare them for Halloween?
HARBINGER: Kids, don’t eat too much candy all at once. You’ll get sick. For the grownups, don’t get too stupid at any parties. Everybody looks better in costume and you’ve probably been drinking too much. That can lead to some poor judgment.
PL: That’s it? That’s your advice?
HARBINGER: shrugs. From everybody at MHI, have a happy Halloween.