Wall of Flame Challenge

Imagine going into a Chinese restaurant. Now imagine that they have a sign saying that if you do this certain little challenge, you get the meal for free, your picture on the wall, and a fifty dollar gift certificate.  Your picture goes on the Wall of Flames… Sounds neat, huh?   

LIES!!!

I’m a sucker for this kind of thing. My picture was on the wall at Fudruckers for their 1 pound challenge. (1 pound after cooking burger, w/ giant basket of chili cheese fries and a huge milkshake) I didn’t even break a sweat. I got the t-shirt to prove it. (ironically, the biggest 1 pound challenge shirt available was a Large). 

I love this place in Layton called China Wok II (1266 South Legend Hills Dr). I eat lunch there all the time. The food is cheap, really good, and the service is always great.

So today I tried this “Wall of Flame” challenge. How hard could it be? There are five pictures on the wall.  So five people managed to do it and not die screaming in horrible fits of agony. Piece of cake.

The challenge. Any of their regular dinners, “spiced up” a bit. With one bowl of rice and one glass of water. You’ve got a half an hour. You can’t get up to leave until you are done. You have to eat the whole thing.  Easy, right? 

Except that the “spices” they use did not evolve on Earth.  You know the spice made out of giant Dune worms that makes your eyes turn weird colors, travel through time, and knife fight Sting?  No, this is worse. These spices are made from a pepper that evolved on a strange alien world of firey death pain suffering.  This pepper laughs at jalapenos. This pepper makes the habenero it’s bitch. This pepper has no name, and the ancient Middianites who discovered it referred to it only as – TERRIBLE SHRIEKING DOOM – before it destroyed their entire civilization.  This pepper exists in multiple quantum dimensions at one time. This pepper divides by zero.

Are you guys getting me yet? Can you feel it?  It is watching you…   

So one of these pepper seeds was discovered and brought to Layton Utah. (it was probably discovered on the moon, hell if I know).  The seed was then planted in a giant tub, but instead of soil, it was placed in a fine dust made of ground habeneros and napalm.  It was watered daily with shoggoth tears. Villagers sacrified chickens to the Seed. The Seed sprouted (henceforth to be known as the Sproutening)  during a lunar and solar eclipse (at the same time!) under Halley’s comet.  The pepper grew, and soon replaced Pluto as the ninth planet in the solar system.

My coworker, Dan, decided to try this too. We did not know about – TERRIBLE SHRIEKING DOOM!  The owner tried to warn us. He told us that yes, there were five pictures on the wall, but that was out of the 160 people that had tried it so far. (none of them are smiling in those pictures either).  It is currently unknown how many of them still live. (one is still in an insane asylum).

The owner said that if you could make it about 5 or 10 minutes, then everything would be fine, because that is when you would start to go numb. (now there’s something to look forward to!)  Some people had actually eaten their napkins.  Some had gone mad from the pain and gnawed their own limbs off.  I was warned not to drink the one cup of water, because water only made IT angrier, and we really didn’t want to make IT any angrier.  Satan won’t put these in Hell’s cafeteria’s because he decided that these would be cruel and unusual punishment…

This thing is stupid hot.  Only a fool would willingly put it in his mouth.

So there I was, and they bring me out something that had started life as General Tso’s chicken, before it had been covered in a sauce that looked suspiciously like fresh asphalt.  Somebody had been screaming in the kitchen a few minutes ago. I think they might have gotten some of the fumes in their eye.  But the screams had stopped… Abruptly.

You know food is scary when in order to be eaten, it can’t just be free. They have to give you $50 to eat it and put you on a wall so that you can declare you are more badass than everyone else.   You know all those statues of Julius Ceaser?  Yeah, it is because he ate one of these once.  Pompey Magnus was like, dude, I can’t compete with that. It’s all you. I’m going to Egypt.  

I ate a piece. Hot… but not too bad.  Kind of like getting pepper sprayed.  Nothing I can’t handle. I look over at Dan. He’s playing it cool… I take another bite… still okay… but then a single air molecule hit the Lovecraftian sludge on my tongue and it awoke.  Oh yeah… that is starting to hurt. One of my other coworkers (who was smart enough not to put poison alien pepper spores in his mouth) looks over and remarks about how fast my eyes have turned red.  It burns. IT BURNS!!!!

At this point I’m about five bites in.  Involuntary tears are coming out of my eyes. My hands are starting to shake.  Bite six, the hallucinations start. A submarine came out of the floor. The walrus that got out asked me for directions. Man, I’m tripping out. Bite seven… wait… that was my napkin.  Bite seven. My brain said “Screw this!” and shut down.

At three minutes and thirty seconds, I surrendered.  I made it to the bathroom and blew my nose for awhile because the contents of my entire skull had turned to water and came running out my nose.  Dan made it six minutes, which makes him twice the man I am.

Now, for the five men on the wall, they are manly men amongst men. They are titans. I salute them.  I tried to pay homage to the Wall of Flame.  I might still have still been hallucinating, but I believe the pictures were of George Washington, Vlad Dracula, Miyamoto Mushashi, Optimus Prime, and Christopher Walken. 

So, if you are as manly as Christopher Walken and you like to eat molten lava for fun, you need to go to the China Wok.  It was literally the hottest thing that I’ve ever eaten.  (well, attempted).  Now if you’ll excuse me, that walrus is still lost.

EDIT:  thanks to the copious amounts of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream consumed last night, I lived through the morning.  Thanks for your concern.

EDIT 2: I was just informed that my coworker’s girlfriend attempted the challenge today. We will call her “Marie”. She made it to the end but ran out of time with food left.  Which makes her ten times the man I am.  Now you guys who have been tempted have to do it, because you can’t be be beaten by a girl!

And since this post has gotten linked all over the interwebs for some reason, if this is your first time here, I’m a novelist, buy my books: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1439132852/ref=s9_simh_gw_p14_t1?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=02F5Q3VMNZ4RFRBH1JTG&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=470938631&pf_rd_i=507846

77 Responses

  1. For those about to Wok, we salute you.

    • Dammit, you’re making me laugh even harder!

    • You, sir, are a fine fellow. I salute your knowledge of pure rock and pun making ability. I can only hope to be as articulate as you.

      • And a couple more

        Chili Tester

        “Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding
        Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili
        cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the
        original person called in sick at the last moment and I
        happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking
        directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was
        assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be
        all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free
        beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one
        of those burdens you endure when you’re an internet writer
        and therefore know and adored by all.”

        Here are the scorecards from the event:

        Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

        JUDGE ONE:
        A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

        JUDGE TWO:
        Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

        CAMERON:
        Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried
        paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to
        put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These
        people are crazy.

        Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

        JUDGE ONE:
        Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

        JUDGE TWO:
        Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

        CAMERON
        Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am
        supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
        who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way
        to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a
        professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated
        over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye
        started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like
        Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

        Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

        JUDGE ONE:
        Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

        JUDGE TWO:
        A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

        CAMERON:
        This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a
        uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing
        Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my
        way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded
        me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
        chest. She said her friends call her “Sally.” Probably
        behind her back they call her “Forklift.”

        Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

        JUDGE ONE:
        Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

        JUDGE TWO:
        Hint of lime in the black beans Good side dish for fish or
        other mild foods, not much of a chili.

        CAMERON:
        I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to
        taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so
        I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her. When she winked at
        me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled… it’s kinda cute.

        Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

        JUDGE ONE:
        Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
        considerable kick. Very impressive.

        JUDGE TWO:
        Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
        the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

        CAMERON:
        My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
        belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics.
        The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili
        had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring
        beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me
        that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

        Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

        JUDGE ONE:
        Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
        and peppers.

        JUDGE TWO:
        The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
        Superb.

        CAMERON:
        My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
        flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
        Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

        Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

        JUDGE ONE;
        A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

        JUDGE TWO:
        Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned peppers at the
        last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
        number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

        CAMERON:
        You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin
        and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and
        the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My
        clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of
        my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they’ll know what
        killed me.

        Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

        JUDGE ONE:
        This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
        hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number
        3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

        JUDGE TWO:
        A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
        not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

        CAMERON:
        Momma…

        and

        Chili Tester

        “Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding
        Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili
        cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the
        original person called in sick at the last moment and I
        happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking
        directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was
        assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be
        all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free
        beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one
        of those burdens you endure when you’re an internet writer
        and therefore know and adored by all.”

        Here are the scorecards from the event:

        Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

        JUDGE ONE:
        A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

        JUDGE TWO:
        Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

        CAMERON:
        Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried
        paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to
        put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These
        people are crazy.

        Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

        JUDGE ONE:
        Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

        JUDGE TWO:
        Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

        CAMERON
        Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am
        supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
        who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way
        to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a
        professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated
        over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye
        started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like
        Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

        Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

        JUDGE ONE:
        Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

        JUDGE TWO:
        A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

        CAMERON:
        This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a
        uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing
        Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my
        way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded
        me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
        chest. She said her friends call her “Sally.” Probably
        behind her back they call her “Forklift.”

        Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

        JUDGE ONE:
        Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

        JUDGE TWO:
        Hint of lime in the black beans Good side dish for fish or
        other mild foods, not much of a chili.

        CAMERON:
        I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to
        taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so
        I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her. When she winked at
        me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled… it’s kinda cute.

        Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

        JUDGE ONE:
        Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
        considerable kick. Very impressive.

        JUDGE TWO:
        Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
        the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

        CAMERON:
        My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
        belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics.
        The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili
        had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring
        beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me
        that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

        Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

        JUDGE ONE:
        Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
        and peppers.

        JUDGE TWO:
        The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
        Superb.

        CAMERON:
        My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
        flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
        Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

        Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

        JUDGE ONE;
        A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

        JUDGE TWO:
        Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned peppers at the
        last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
        number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

        CAMERON:
        You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin
        and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and
        the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My
        clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of
        my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they’ll know what
        killed me.

        Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

        JUDGE ONE:
        This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
        hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number
        3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

        JUDGE TWO:
        A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
        not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

        CAMERON:
        Momma…

      • Sorry the first one went twice

        I trained an older woman named Connie last Sat. morning. She was in her late 50′s. She was not attractive; not by the loosest definition. After 20 min on the stationary bike, the first exercise I had her perform was a lower abdominal bridge.
        First repetition, she ripped a large, moist fart. It was impossible to ignore. I said, “Well… Good morning, Connie.” She apologized and mumbled something about a protein shake earlier that morning and a weak pelvic floor.
        I told her not to worry about it. It wasn’t like I’d never been witness to nor been responsible for anything like that. I told her, “You should hear my house in the morning. It sounds like a tractor pull”. It was all chuckles and good times at that point. Unfortunately, that was only the beginning.
        Connie continued farting every 3 to 5 minutes for the next hour. The first few were loud, but relatively harmless. Then something happened inside of Connie. Something shifted. Perhaps some sort of biochemical reaction took place. Something evolved. It unleashed the most sickening, greasy farts I have ever even heard about.
        Up until that day, I had never smelled a fart that nauseated me even slightly. And, I fart a lot. One time I almost gagged when I farted during a hot shower, but I also had a bad hangover. I digress. My point is, I’m not disgusted easily, especially by farts. I’m more of an aficionado. I have a certain appreciation for a particularly loud or pungent fart.
        Connie’s farts, however, crossed the line. They had an infectious quality, which made me feel violated in their excruciating presence. They made my hair feel oily. They permeated my skin. They scalded my eyes. They assaulted my mouth and nose. Like a cat with its tail on fire, they scorched their way down my throat and into my lungs, where they underwent gas exchange in my alveolus, and thereby infiltrated my bloodstream. They were the kind of farts that made you want to go home, vomit, burn your clothes and take a “Crying Game” shower. I was literally nauseated. My eyes were literally watering. And each time I began to feel better, she’d churn out another.
        I was not the only one who noticed. That particular day, the gym was full. The staff was conducting a popular exercise class using most of the equipment. People were everywhere, and there was no hiding from Connie’s ass. The whole gym smelled like Big Foot sprayed his musk on the furnace.
        People were literally exclaiming at the sheer magnitude and potency of the farts: “Damn, did somebody slaughter a cow?!”, “Holy crap, something smells like a dead possum filled with hot dog breath!”, “Who dropped their guts?”
        Some people actually quit working out, packed up and went home. Those who continued working out did so with the fronts of their t-shirts pulled over their noses. I had never seen such a dramatic reaction to a fart. It was surreal.
        The patrons gave me the occasional accusing glance, but I could do nothing but shrug. Not my fault. Besides, who was getting the brunt of Connie’s stink? Who stood behind her while she did lunges? Who stood next to her while she laid prone on the leg curl machine, ass in the air like some vile, spandex-clad, stink whale, ready to unleash another round from her hideous blow hole?
        That’s right, it was me. I am a professional, goddamnit. I stuck with her till the end.
        But, make no mistake: Connie’s appointment did not run one second long.

  2. Oh DAMN! I can’t stop laughing!

  3. [...] Wall of Flame Challenge (Monster Hunter Nation) [...]

  4. Some like it hot, but this was too hot to trot.

  5. Ah! Larry — I HAVE to go there with my older son. Not for me. I couldn’t do it. But my son…

    I miscalculated chili once. My husband and friend who love hot stuff were cutting it one part to three of rice and were crying, tears running down their faces. Our two year old son, carefully picked the chili parts out of the rice parts and demanded a bowl of chili only. which he ate, smiling.
    He’s known at every Thai restaurant in the state. They see him coming and they say “Not just Thai hot. Thai REALLY hot.” If he reads this I’ll have to restrain him from driving (or possibly walking) there to try the wall of flame.

  6. What, you’re not really Owen Z Pitt and have the force of will to withstand the fiery pit of Hell? Oh, the disappointment… ;-)

  7. Oh. My. GOD!!!! Larry, I’m laughing so hard my sides hurt!!!!

    You gotta write this into MHV!

  8. Oh, my! You had my eyes watering in sympathy! Not to mention from uncontrollable laughter! Did you then go to the dentist to see if your fillings had melted out of your teeth? Or if your teeth had melted from around your fillings? :-)

    And, on behalf of my husband – were there any repurcussions the next day from the nether bits?

    • Luckily I didn’t eat enough for it to burn a hole through my pelvis. I also ate a bunch of ice cream last night, that way this morning I could be like “Come on ice cream!”

  9. Now I want to try it. *shakes fist*

    Does Howard Tayler know about this? Perhaps we should all make a pilgrimage…

  10. If you think it is hot not, wait till it comes out on the other end.

    Not sure if you read your comments but I sent you an email at your yahoo account about buying an autographed book + patch. Let me know if you didn’t receive it, I can send it again!

  11. Currently the Department of Defense is searching for a way to weaponize this Satan sauce as part of a replacement program for America’s nuclear arsenal.

  12. Sounds like they decided to spice up their cooking with some ghost peppers. I’ve never had one and to be honest I don’t want one. I would prefer that my stomach not throttle my brain in the middle of the night in revenge.

  13. Okay… I’m coming out there ASAP, Larry. I’m bringing my crazy friends with me. We’re going to cheat though. Gotta find a place to get roaring drunk. Then you can drive us to this freaky place and we’re going to rock this challenge out. You don’t have to stick around though. I’m pretty sure the ultimate finale is not going to be pretty. :)

  14. Larry,
    I think the Az WETA contingent might need to add that to our summer pilgrimage. You willing to play host this summer?

  15. Sounds like something for Man vs Food on the Travel Channel.

  16. LMAO!

    I do have one question though: was the walrus pink?

  17. [...] to Larry Correia’s latest: Wall of Flame Challenge. This pepper laughs at jalapenos. This pepper makes the habenero it’s bitch. This pepper has no [...]

  18. Hilarious.

    And here I was thinking the local Chinese place I frequent got a little carried away with the spicing on my last order of General Tso’s..which still rocked without totally rocking my world like your diabolical Pepper of the Apocalypse. Here’s hoping they don’t compare notes with the China Wok II people…

  19. Ghost pepper, otherwise known as the naga jolokia or bhut jolokia?

    You do realize that farmers in Northwest India smear these peppers on their fences to keep elephants out of their crops, yes?

    Even elephants have to respect a pepper packing one million Scoville Heat Units.

  20. Holy crap, here I thought I was kidding. In 2009, scientists at India’s Defence Research and Development Organisation announced plans to use the chillies in hand grenades, as a less lethal way to control rioters.[23]

    courtesy of wikipedia

  21. Sounds like someone had a run in with the Merciless Pepper of Quetzalacatenango aka Guatemalan Insanity Pepper.

    Good read though.

  22. Once on my mission, we had pizza at a member’s house, and they had this bottle that was labelled ‘Dave’s Ultimate Insanity Sauce’ with a warning that pregnant women should avoid this stuff. I put three small drops on one slice of pizza, and ate it. My mouth didn’t stop hurting for forty five minutes, right as I was leaving the dinner. I didn’t stop sweating until we had driven to our next appointment, which was about an hour and a half after First Contact. When we got home for the night, approximately 3.5 hours later, my tie was still soaking wet because I had sweat through collar of my shirt.

    The sauce that we encountered was BLACK, not dark red, but black. It’s probably similar stuff.

    One of my roommates put 5 drops on his pizza and was in the bathroom puking for twenty minutes afterward. His mouth didn’t stop hurting until he got home that night.

    • I LOVE Dave’s Insanity Sauce. It is a bit much for sane people, though. A friend of mine came over once, we were having hot dogs, and he asked if we had anything spicy to put on it. I told him I had some hot sauce in the fridge, but “Don’t grab the Dave’s!”. He insists that he can handle spicy food, he’s Mexican, and proceeds to put it on his hot dog like it was Tabasco. He still curses me over that day. He says I shouldn’t keep something like that where normal people can get into it by mistake.

      Larry, I wish this place were closer, because even after reading your account, I am stupid enough that I want to try the Wall of Flame challenge.

  23. I’d buy a pepper spray that is derived from this thing. Of course you could never ever use it. And the can would corrode through in about 4 months.

  24. Mine was with Mad Dog 1,000,000, made with the Ghost Pepper. 1,000,000 Scollville units. I tend to make ramen that is about 50% Louisiana Red Hot, so I thought I was some hot shit. Kid in my car club had a bottle. He refused to let me try it till I said, in front of witnesses, that he was not responsible for anything that happened to me.

    You can say your mouth is on fire, but you really, really do not know. Eating a bottle, glass and all, of 90% of the red hot sauces on the market could not be worse than this. About 40 seconds after eating a sauce slathered french fry, I started hiccuping uncontrollably. I was later told that was my body trying to get this shit out of my system no matter what. I was in tears within 2 minutes.

    Thinking rather quickly, I had the waitress bring me a bottle of vinnager, the salad stuff that they have at every restaurant. I had to drink almost half of it straight just to get the pain to stop. Even then, my jaw was number for another 15 minutes or so.

    So Larry, welcome to the club, and I feel your pain.

  25. Has anyone notified/challenged Stingray at Atomic Nerds yet? Labrat claims he is the culinary standard setter for corrosive, spicy food(?).

  26. So, uh…

    How does one make a Shoggoth cry?

    EMWTK.

    (And I’ll stick to habaneros, thanks.)

  27. I wonder, will it remove lead deposits from barrels?

  28. [...] I like the spicy food. And can eat all kinds of hot stuff. But if the owner of a Chinese restaurant warns me twice about something, I will take note. Larry can now attest. [...]

  29. So, I know where we’re going to lunch next time I’m in town. :)

  30. I’m going to have to make a special trip just so I can get on that wall. It’ll cost me more than the $50.00, tshirt, and wall picture, but hey, I’m always up for a challenge.

    Besides, I haven’t found something so hot I couldn’t eat it yet.
    :)

    By the way, I was reading this at work and my co-workers thought I was mad the way I was sniggering. :)

  31. OT – and the good news is that the local B&N is shelving copies of the third printing of MHI.

  32. Larry- WE ARE DOING LUNCH my man. OH YES!!!

  33. Holy CRAP that was funny Larry.

    It’s so funny I’ll refrain from calling you names over not being able to finish…

  34. Had a friend brag about how he could eat hot peppers – and got his come uppence when he ran into a bowl full of hot Thai pepper soup.

    Similar experience to Larry’s and as a plus – got a whole week ends worth of John Cash’s “Burning Ring of Fire”

  35. This post is made of win.

  36. Actually, I believe the last picture on the wall is of Chuck Norris, not Christopher Walken.

  37. This is fantastic… laughed out loud! I used to believe that I could take on this challenge…. but I’m more mature now!!! Bravo for trying!

  38. Those must be the Satan Triumphant peppers Tom Kratman wrote about.

  39. Laughed until I almost cried. This is easily your best post yet (excluding the first Christmas Noun).

    Where is this shrine to Pain?

  40. not just a Win, this post reached epic WIN.
    dang it, i need to stop reading your blog at work Larry, It’s too hard not to laugh out loud.

  41. I was laughing so hard my wife thought I was in some sort of spasm.

    Like the edge of the internet, there are places where mere mortals should not tread… :)

  42. Maybe if they served it at Gitmo the prisoners would beg for waterboarding.

  43. You’ll be happy to know that no known pepper could have killed you or caused significant permanent damage. The hottest pepper on record, Bhut Jolokia, ranks below pepper spray on the Scoville scale. So, it’s all down to working through the pain and dealing with the heartburn and ring of fire afterward.

  44. Yep, sounds like a ghost pepper. I ate one seed; once.

  45. Hi Larry ….

    Sorry I’m late to the party, but… GREAT post!

    Couple of personal stories…

    First, when I was a kid my Grandparents had a 2+ acre garden. Grandma planted some super-hot chili-pepper in a row next to some little chinese “sweet” pepper.

    They were little yellow-green things about the size of the first joint on a man’s pinky-finger – and so hot that when my Grandpa ate one (at the far-end of a 12-seat table ) it made my eyes water and burn for a couple of hours.

    Grandma would not allow them to be cut or bit in the house – he could eat them so long as he popped it in his mouth and didn’t open his mouth until he’d chewed and swallowed. I’ve never seen anything so hot in my life – and I like spicy food!

    Second, in HS I had this gorgeous little girlfriend. She invited me to a BBQ to meet her parents, and warned me over and over that he loved jalapenos and would have NO respect for me if I didn’t eat at least one. “No problem!” thought I – and when he offered I pretended to savor it as I struggled to choke it down.

    I thought I’d done a pretty good job of acting – the problem was that now he thought I liked them – which forced me to eat another (and another, and…) each time he offered.

    I was sweating profusely, nose running, in entirely too much pain to notice the looks and sniggering being passed among said cutie and her parents.

    To make a long story short, this was some sort of sick, twisted “inside joke” with her family – Dad had spiked the jar of jalapenos with something similar to the “insanity sauce” discussed above. The REAL “test” was not whether I was man enough to eat his peppers, but whether I was stupid enough to keep eating them…

    I was. I won’t discuss the many (many) days of pure torture of a whole new sort which followed this epic adventure – let’s just say that my already high tolerance for pain was pushed up exponentially…

    I ran into her many years later – she still laughed uncontrollably when the topic turned to that awful life-changing day… Apparently I still held the “record” – no guy she ever brought home came anywhere even close to my “record” consumption…

    Lastly, I once had an experience just like yours – except I didn’t really volunteer… My local Chinese carry out knows me – and knows that when I order spicy stuff I want it hot enough to make me sweat. For those hoping to “turn pro” someday, that sweat is the best cure for a hangover – but I digress…

    The restaurant near work – where we all went for lunch a couple of days a week – just couldn’t seem to get it right. One day the place was PACKED and the owner ended up waiting on us. I told him I really liked spicy food – “I want it to make me SWEAT” I saifd in my naivete.

    He brought me my usual order – some sort of mongolian or szechuan dish consisting of thin little strips of beef and equally small veggies — with the white rice in a bowl as I always requested. When he delivered it, he smiled and told me he knew I liked “proper chinese cooking” since I asked for my rice in a bowl, and that he’d made sure it was properly spiced. “You gonna rike vellyy mush!”

    The first thing I noticed when I picked up my chopsticks was that my eyes were burning. This SHOULD have been a clue but I was distracted by the thick, almost black sauce just like the “molten asphalt” you describe.

    Likewise, you pretty much nailed the experience of eating it. Surrounded by “the guys” from work – who would never let me live it down if I chickened out.

    NEVER AGAIN.

    Again – the experience which followed made me long for the torture of eating it – anything would have been better than what I was suffering…

    DD

  46. Do not want.

  47. That’s not food it’s weapons grade less than lethal OC spray in paste form.

    Hey that gives me a good idea for an alien torture device. Bwahahahahah.

  48. Google “Bhut Jolokia Grenade”

  49. [...] Wall of Flame Challenge Imagine going into a Chinese restaurant. Now imagine that they have a sign saying that if you do this certain little [...] [...]

  50. You should send this to Adam Richman of Man VS Food and see if HE’s man enough to try it.

    Me, I’d go, but Utah is a bit far to drive from here in midstate New York.

    My kids, I should note, were a few weeks ago testing each other with how much GHOST PEPPER SAUCE they could eat.

    So my older son might handle their stuff just fine.

  51. There’s a place in San Antonio that serves a burger loaded with Ghost Peppers. Nope sorry didn’t catch the name of the place. It was on Man Vs. Food. The guy who does that show is only the 4th person to ever finish the burger and get on ‘that’ burger joints own Wall of Flame. Although Richman almost quit after the first bite of the burger. Ask him and he’ll admit he came this close *holds fingers a milimeter apart* to quitting right then and there while he was still chewing.

  52. Jamie Kocher, ceo of the Waimea Bay Chili Pepper eats a tiny bit of Bhut Jolokia.

  53. The reason “Marie” can eat it and you can’t is because she owns a Heckler & Koch which imbues her with the power of the gods and transforms he into the Amazon Princess of Power… you on the other had do now own a Heckler & Koch, and are thus just am mere mortal.

  54. [...] In American history, we have some truly famous last words: “they couldn’t hit an elephant at this distance,” “hey y’all, watch this,” and “maybe they only had one rocket.”  To this pantheon of terminal irony, we can add the phrase “Piece of cake.” [...]

  55. That was the funniest thing I have ever read. Almost finished with MHI and can’t wait for the next one. Love ya brother.

  56. I just called China Wok II. They open at 12:30 this Saturday (and I’ll be there, because I AM AN IDIOT). He says they used to use ghost peppers, but now they use a homegrown pepper mix that is actually hotter.

    Now, Guinness’ ranking notwithstanding, this tells me that the strain of jolokia may have been weaker, and their own mix is more deadly. Either way… momma. I’m expecting to mouth-first into 500,000 to 1,000,000 scovilles.

    Look for the bald guy sobbing in the corner, that’ll be me. (Unless I’m still screaming.)

  57. Sounds like a great way to not only burn myself to death, but cry in grand masochistic joy as I do it. If ever I’m passing through Utah, I’ll have to stop by and simply order a side. No need to fail the challenge if I’m going to burn myself to death!

    Also, thanks for MHI, can’t wait for the upcoming releases!

  58. The latest news on the Chilli front!

    Trinidad Moruga Scorpion officially dubbed world’s hottest pepper

    http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/eats/trinidad-moruga-scorpion-officially-dubbed-world-hottest-pepper-article-1.1023803?localLinksEnabled=false

  59. [...] took me a bit to get on base. But arrive I did, into a roaring oration of how Larry attempted his wall of flame challenge. Descriptions of submarines popping out of the floor, walruses asking for directions, and [...]

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