Monster Hunter Nation

Wall of Flame Challenge

Imagine going into a Chinese restaurant. Now imagine that they have a sign saying that if you do this certain little challenge, you get the meal for free, your picture on the wall, and a fifty dollar gift certificate.  Your picture goes on the Wall of Flames… Sounds neat, huh?   

LIES!!!

I’m a sucker for this kind of thing. My picture was on the wall at Fudruckers for their 1 pound challenge. (1 pound after cooking burger, w/ giant basket of chili cheese fries and a huge milkshake) I didn’t even break a sweat. I got the t-shirt to prove it. (ironically, the biggest 1 pound challenge shirt available was a Large). 

I love this place in Layton called China Wok II (1266 South Legend Hills Dr). I eat lunch there all the time. The food is cheap, really good, and the service is always great.

So today I tried this “Wall of Flame” challenge. How hard could it be? There are five pictures on the wall.  So five people managed to do it and not die screaming in horrible fits of agony. Piece of cake.

The challenge. Any of their regular dinners, “spiced up” a bit. With one bowl of rice and one glass of water. You’ve got a half an hour. You can’t get up to leave until you are done. You have to eat the whole thing.  Easy, right? 

Except that the “spices” they use did not evolve on Earth.  You know the spice made out of giant Dune worms that makes your eyes turn weird colors, travel through time, and knife fight Sting?  No, this is worse. These spices are made from a pepper that evolved on a strange alien world of firey death pain suffering.  This pepper laughs at jalapenos. This pepper makes the habenero it’s bitch. This pepper has no name, and the ancient Middianites who discovered it referred to it only as – TERRIBLE SHRIEKING DOOM – before it destroyed their entire civilization.  This pepper exists in multiple quantum dimensions at one time. This pepper divides by zero.

Are you guys getting me yet? Can you feel it?  It is watching you…   

So one of these pepper seeds was discovered and brought to Layton Utah. (it was probably discovered on the moon, hell if I know).  The seed was then planted in a giant tub, but instead of soil, it was placed in a fine dust made of ground habeneros and napalm.  It was watered daily with shoggoth tears. Villagers sacrified chickens to the Seed. The Seed sprouted (henceforth to be known as the Sproutening)  during a lunar and solar eclipse (at the same time!) under Halley’s comet.  The pepper grew, and soon replaced Pluto as the ninth planet in the solar system.

My coworker, Dan, decided to try this too. We did not know about – TERRIBLE SHRIEKING DOOM!  The owner tried to warn us. He told us that yes, there were five pictures on the wall, but that was out of the 160 people that had tried it so far. (none of them are smiling in those pictures either).  It is currently unknown how many of them still live. (one is still in an insane asylum).

The owner said that if you could make it about 5 or 10 minutes, then everything would be fine, because that is when you would start to go numb. (now there’s something to look forward to!)  Some people had actually eaten their napkins.  Some had gone mad from the pain and gnawed their own limbs off.  I was warned not to drink the one cup of water, because water only made IT angrier, and we really didn’t want to make IT any angrier.  Satan won’t put these in Hell’s cafeteria’s because he decided that these would be cruel and unusual punishment…

This thing is stupid hot.  Only a fool would willingly put it in his mouth.

So there I was, and they bring me out something that had started life as General Tso’s chicken, before it had been covered in a sauce that looked suspiciously like fresh asphalt.  Somebody had been screaming in the kitchen a few minutes ago. I think they might have gotten some of the fumes in their eye.  But the screams had stopped… Abruptly.

You know food is scary when in order to be eaten, it can’t just be free. They have to give you $50 to eat it and put you on a wall so that you can declare you are more badass than everyone else.   You know all those statues of Julius Ceaser?  Yeah, it is because he ate one of these once.  Pompey Magnus was like, dude, I can’t compete with that. It’s all you. I’m going to Egypt.  

I ate a piece. Hot… but not too bad.  Kind of like getting pepper sprayed.  Nothing I can’t handle. I look over at Dan. He’s playing it cool… I take another bite… still okay… but then a single air molecule hit the Lovecraftian sludge on my tongue and it awoke.  Oh yeah… that is starting to hurt. One of my other coworkers (who was smart enough not to put poison alien pepper spores in his mouth) looks over and remarks about how fast my eyes have turned red.  It burns. IT BURNS!!!!

At this point I’m about five bites in.  Involuntary tears are coming out of my eyes. My hands are starting to shake.  Bite six, the hallucinations start. A submarine came out of the floor. The walrus that got out asked me for directions. Man, I’m tripping out. Bite seven… wait… that was my napkin.  Bite seven. My brain said “Screw this!” and shut down.

At three minutes and thirty seconds, I surrendered.  I made it to the bathroom and blew my nose for awhile because the contents of my entire skull had turned to water and came running out my nose.  Dan made it six minutes, which makes him twice the man I am.

Now, for the five men on the wall, they are manly men amongst men. They are titans. I salute them.  I tried to pay homage to the Wall of Flame.  I might still have still been hallucinating, but I believe the pictures were of George Washington, Vlad Dracula, Miyamoto Mushashi, Optimus Prime, and Christopher Walken. 

So, if you are as manly as Christopher Walken and you like to eat molten lava for fun, you need to go to the China Wok.  It was literally the hottest thing that I’ve ever eaten.  (well, attempted).  Now if you’ll excuse me, that walrus is still lost.

EDIT:  thanks to the copious amounts of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream consumed last night, I lived through the morning.  Thanks for your concern.

EDIT 2: I was just informed that my coworker’s girlfriend attempted the challenge today. We will call her “Marie”. She made it to the end but ran out of time with food left.  Which makes her ten times the man I am.  Now you guys who have been tempted have to do it, because you can’t be be beaten by a girl!

And since this post has gotten linked all over the interwebs for some reason, if this is your first time here, I’m a novelist, buy my books: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1439132852/ref=s9_simh_gw_p14_t1?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=02F5Q3VMNZ4RFRBH1JTG&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=470938631&pf_rd_i=507846

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How to Write a Story That Rocks Workshop - The Video

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81 Comments on "Wall of Flame Challenge"

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pittofdoom
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pittofdoom
6 years 7 months ago

For those about to Wok, we salute you.

Silverevilchao
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6 years 7 months ago

Dammit, you’re making me laugh even harder!

Heff
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Heff
6 years 7 months ago

You, sir, are a fine fellow. I salute your knowledge of pure rock and pun making ability. I can only hope to be as articulate as you.

Mike
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Mike
6 years 6 months ago
And a couple more Chili Tester “Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted… Read more »
Mike
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Mike
6 years 6 months ago
Sorry the first one went twice I trained an older woman named Connie last Sat. morning. She was in her late 50’s. She was not attractive; not by the loosest definition. After 20 min on the stationary bike, the first exercise I had her perform was a lower abdominal bridge. First repetition, she ripped a large, moist fart. It was impossible to ignore. I said, “Well… Good morning, Connie.” She apologized and mumbled something about a protein shake earlier that morning and a weak pelvic floor. I told her not to worry about it. It wasn’t like I’d never been… Read more »
Carteach0
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6 years 7 months ago

Oh DAMN! I can’t stop laughing!

Linoge
Guest
6 years 7 months ago

Seconded!

Durham68
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Durham68
6 years 7 months ago

Laughed right into silent mode. Bravo. Well done.

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[…] Wall of Flame Challenge (Monster Hunter Nation) […]

bluesun
Guest
6 years 7 months ago

Some like it hot, but this was too hot to trot.

Sarah
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Sarah
6 years 7 months ago
Ah! Larry — I HAVE to go there with my older son. Not for me. I couldn’t do it. But my son… I miscalculated chili once. My husband and friend who love hot stuff were cutting it one part to three of rice and were crying, tears running down their faces. Our two year old son, carefully picked the chili parts out of the rice parts and demanded a bowl of chili only. which he ate, smiling. He’s known at every Thai restaurant in the state. They see him coming and they say “Not just Thai hot. Thai REALLY hot.”… Read more »
Justin
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Justin
6 years 7 months ago

What, you’re not really Owen Z Pitt and have the force of will to withstand the fiery pit of Hell? Oh, the disappointment… 😉

Raptor
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6 years 7 months ago

Oh. My. GOD!!!! Larry, I’m laughing so hard my sides hurt!!!!

You gotta write this into MHV!

Lin W
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Lin W
6 years 7 months ago

Oh, my! You had my eyes watering in sympathy! Not to mention from uncontrollable laughter! Did you then go to the dentist to see if your fillings had melted out of your teeth? Or if your teeth had melted from around your fillings? 🙂

And, on behalf of my husband – were there any repurcussions the next day from the nether bits?

Julie
Guest
6 years 7 months ago

Now I want to try it. *shakes fist*

Does Howard Tayler know about this? Perhaps we should all make a pilgrimage…

Robb
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Robb
6 years 7 months ago

If you think it is hot not, wait till it comes out on the other end.

Not sure if you read your comments but I sent you an email at your yahoo account about buying an autographed book + patch. Let me know if you didn’t receive it, I can send it again!

criticaluniverse
Guest
6 years 7 months ago

Currently the Department of Defense is searching for a way to weaponize this Satan sauce as part of a replacement program for America’s nuclear arsenal.

Joe
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Joe
6 years 7 months ago

Sounds like they decided to spice up their cooking with some ghost peppers. I’ve never had one and to be honest I don’t want one. I would prefer that my stomach not throttle my brain in the middle of the night in revenge.

C Kelsey
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C Kelsey
6 years 7 months ago

Okay… I’m coming out there ASAP, Larry. I’m bringing my crazy friends with me. We’re going to cheat though. Gotta find a place to get roaring drunk. Then you can drive us to this freaky place and we’re going to rock this challenge out. You don’t have to stick around though. I’m pretty sure the ultimate finale is not going to be pretty. 🙂

Harm
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Harm
6 years 7 months ago

Larry,
I think the Az WETA contingent might need to add that to our summer pilgrimage. You willing to play host this summer?

JohnOC
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JohnOC
6 years 7 months ago

Sounds like something for Man vs Food on the Travel Channel.

Strings
Guest
6 years 7 months ago

LMAO!

I do have one question though: was the walrus pink?

Brett S
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Brett S
6 years 7 months ago

Was the Walrus looking for a bucket??

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[…] to Larry Correia’s latest: Wall of Flame Challenge. This pepper laughs at jalapenos. This pepper makes the habenero it’s bitch. This pepper has no […]

Wes S.
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Wes S.
6 years 7 months ago

Hilarious.

And here I was thinking the local Chinese place I frequent got a little carried away with the spicing on my last order of General Tso’s..which still rocked without totally rocking my world like your diabolical Pepper of the Apocalypse. Here’s hoping they don’t compare notes with the China Wok II people…

LawDog
Guest
6 years 7 months ago

Ghost pepper, otherwise known as the naga jolokia or bhut jolokia?

You do realize that farmers in Northwest India smear these peppers on their fences to keep elephants out of their crops, yes?

Even elephants have to respect a pepper packing one million Scoville Heat Units.

criticaluniverse
Guest
6 years 7 months ago

Holy crap, here I thought I was kidding. In 2009, scientists at India’s Defence Research and Development Organisation announced plans to use the chillies in hand grenades, as a less lethal way to control rioters.[23]

courtesy of wikipedia

Dave
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Dave
6 years 7 months ago

Sounds like someone had a run in with the Merciless Pepper of Quetzalacatenango aka Guatemalan Insanity Pepper.

Good read though.

Dave Sohm
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Dave Sohm
6 years 7 months ago
Once on my mission, we had pizza at a member’s house, and they had this bottle that was labelled ‘Dave’s Ultimate Insanity Sauce’ with a warning that pregnant women should avoid this stuff. I put three small drops on one slice of pizza, and ate it. My mouth didn’t stop hurting for forty five minutes, right as I was leaving the dinner. I didn’t stop sweating until we had driven to our next appointment, which was about an hour and a half after First Contact. When we got home for the night, approximately 3.5 hours later, my tie was still… Read more »
Fjolnirsson
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Fjolnirsson
6 years 7 months ago
I LOVE Dave’s Insanity Sauce. It is a bit much for sane people, though. A friend of mine came over once, we were having hot dogs, and he asked if we had anything spicy to put on it. I told him I had some hot sauce in the fridge, but “Don’t grab the Dave’s!”. He insists that he can handle spicy food, he’s Mexican, and proceeds to put it on his hot dog like it was Tabasco. He still curses me over that day. He says I shouldn’t keep something like that where normal people can get into it by… Read more »
Dave Sohm
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Dave Sohm
6 years 7 months ago

I’d buy a pepper spray that is derived from this thing. Of course you could never ever use it. And the can would corrode through in about 4 months.

KTZF
Guest
6 years 7 months ago

The stuff is actually just shy of LEO grade pepper spray based on the scoville scale

KTZF
Guest
6 years 7 months ago
Mine was with Mad Dog 1,000,000, made with the Ghost Pepper. 1,000,000 Scollville units. I tend to make ramen that is about 50% Louisiana Red Hot, so I thought I was some hot shit. Kid in my car club had a bottle. He refused to let me try it till I said, in front of witnesses, that he was not responsible for anything that happened to me. You can say your mouth is on fire, but you really, really do not know. Eating a bottle, glass and all, of 90% of the red hot sauces on the market could not… Read more »
Sennin
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Sennin
6 years 7 months ago

Has anyone notified/challenged Stingray at Atomic Nerds yet? Labrat claims he is the culinary standard setter for corrosive, spicy food(?).

bluntobject
Guest
6 years 7 months ago

So, uh…

How does one make a Shoggoth cry?

EMWTK.

(And I’ll stick to habaneros, thanks.)

Miguel
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6 years 7 months ago

I wonder, will it remove lead deposits from barrels?

WyldHare
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WyldHare
6 years 7 months ago

I like the way you think, mister! I like the cut of your jib… I’m gonna be watching you… 😉

trackback
6 years 7 months ago

[…] I like the spicy food. And can eat all kinds of hot stuff. But if the owner of a Chinese restaurant warns me twice about something, I will take note. Larry can now attest. […]

perlhaqr
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perlhaqr
6 years 7 months ago

So, I know where we’re going to lunch next time I’m in town. 🙂

Normanomiblog
Guest
6 years 7 months ago

I’m going to have to make a special trip just so I can get on that wall. It’ll cost me more than the $50.00, tshirt, and wall picture, but hey, I’m always up for a challenge.

Besides, I haven’t found something so hot I couldn’t eat it yet.

🙂

By the way, I was reading this at work and my co-workers thought I was mad the way I was sniggering. 🙂

emdfl
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emdfl
6 years 7 months ago

OT – and the good news is that the local B&N is shelving copies of the third printing of MHI.

Ben
Guest
6 years 7 months ago

Larry- WE ARE DOING LUNCH my man. OH YES!!!

Jay G.
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6 years 7 months ago

Holy CRAP that was funny Larry.

It’s so funny I’ll refrain from calling you names over not being able to finish…

RAW
Guest
RAW
6 years 7 months ago

Had a friend brag about how he could eat hot peppers – and got his come uppence when he ran into a bowl full of hot Thai pepper soup.

Similar experience to Larry’s and as a plus – got a whole week ends worth of John Cash’s “Burning Ring of Fire”

Brandon
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Brandon
6 years 7 months ago

This post is made of win.

Drew Woods
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Drew Woods
6 years 7 months ago

Actually, I believe the last picture on the wall is of Chuck Norris, not Christopher Walken.

Gareth
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Gareth
6 years 7 months ago

This is fantastic… laughed out loud! I used to believe that I could take on this challenge…. but I’m more mature now!!! Bravo for trying!

Crucis
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6 years 7 months ago

Those must be the Satan Triumphant peppers Tom Kratman wrote about.

Cameron Sullivan
Guest
6 years 7 months ago

Laughed until I almost cried. This is easily your best post yet (excluding the first Christmas Noun).

Where is this shrine to Pain?

Cameron Sullivan
Guest
6 years 7 months ago

Never mind . . . I should really quit skimming those introductory paragraphs. 😉

Daniel
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Daniel
6 years 7 months ago

not just a Win, this post reached epic WIN.
dang it, i need to stop reading your blog at work Larry, It’s too hard not to laugh out loud.

Sandpine
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Sandpine
6 years 7 months ago

I was laughing so hard my wife thought I was in some sort of spasm.

Like the edge of the internet, there are places where mere mortals should not tread… 🙂

Antibubba
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Antibubba
6 years 7 months ago

Maybe if they served it at Gitmo the prisoners would beg for waterboarding.

Anonymoose
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Anonymoose
6 years 7 months ago

You’ll be happy to know that no known pepper could have killed you or caused significant permanent damage. The hottest pepper on record, Bhut Jolokia, ranks below pepper spray on the Scoville scale. So, it’s all down to working through the pain and dealing with the heartburn and ring of fire afterward.

Scott
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Scott
6 years 7 months ago

Yep, sounds like a ghost pepper. I ate one seed; once.

Dedicated_Dad
Guest
6 years 7 months ago
Hi Larry …. Sorry I’m late to the party, but… GREAT post! Couple of personal stories… First, when I was a kid my Grandparents had a 2+ acre garden. Grandma planted some super-hot chili-pepper in a row next to some little chinese “sweet” pepper. They were little yellow-green things about the size of the first joint on a man’s pinky-finger – and so hot that when my Grandpa ate one (at the far-end of a 12-seat table ) it made my eyes water and burn for a couple of hours. Grandma would not allow them to be cut or bit… Read more »
Dr. Feelgood
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Dr. Feelgood
6 years 7 months ago

Do not want.

moose1942
Guest
6 years 7 months ago

That’s not food it’s weapons grade less than lethal OC spray in paste form.

Hey that gives me a good idea for an alien torture device. Bwahahahahah.

moose1942
Guest
6 years 7 months ago

Google “Bhut Jolokia Grenade”

trackback
6 years 7 months ago

[…] Wall of Flame Challenge Imagine going into a Chinese restaurant. Now imagine that they have a sign saying that if you do this certain little […] […]

Ryk E. Spoor
Guest
6 years 7 months ago

You should send this to Adam Richman of Man VS Food and see if HE’s man enough to try it.

Me, I’d go, but Utah is a bit far to drive from here in midstate New York.

My kids, I should note, were a few weeks ago testing each other with how much GHOST PEPPER SAUCE they could eat.

So my older son might handle their stuff just fine.

Sean
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Sean
6 years 6 months ago

There’s a place in San Antonio that serves a burger loaded with Ghost Peppers. Nope sorry didn’t catch the name of the place. It was on Man Vs. Food. The guy who does that show is only the 4th person to ever finish the burger and get on ‘that’ burger joints own Wall of Flame. Although Richman almost quit after the first bite of the burger. Ask him and he’ll admit he came this close *holds fingers a milimeter apart* to quitting right then and there while he was still chewing.

Miguel
Guest
6 years 6 months ago

Jamie Kocher, ceo of the Waimea Bay Chili Pepper eats a tiny bit of Bhut Jolokia.

charliegibsonsucks
Guest
6 years 6 months ago

The reason “Marie” can eat it and you can’t is because she owns a Heckler & Koch which imbues her with the power of the gods and transforms he into the Amazon Princess of Power… you on the other had do now own a Heckler & Koch, and are thus just am mere mortal.

Eugene
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Eugene
6 years 6 months ago

maybe “Marie” just isn’t a huge wimp.

and you should drop the whole Heckler & Koch joke, because it’s been done to death. three years ago.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/images/B000IU37T8/ref=dp_image_0?ie=UTF8&n=130&s=dvd

Hess
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Hess
6 years 6 months ago

It’s really hard to tell. Are you for, or against H&K? Because, based on your comment, they sound pretty appealing.

charliegibsonsucks
Guest
6 years 6 months ago

Alas I do not own an HK thus just am mere mortal myself.

I guess this was an inside joke for the regular readers.
http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/?s=hk

Eugene
Guest
Eugene
6 years 6 months ago

Maybe “Marie” just isn’t a huge wuss.

Oh, and you should probably let the whole Heckler & Koch joke go, because it’s been done to death. Three years ago. We all get: Larry’s not crazy about HK.

Cool reference, though: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/images/B000IU37T8/ref=dp_image_0?ie=UTF8&n=130&s=dvd

trackback

[…] In American history, we have some truly famous last words: “they couldn’t hit an elephant at this distance,” “hey y’all, watch this,” and “maybe they only had one rocket.”  To this pantheon of terminal irony, we can add the phrase “Piece of cake.” […]

Jeff
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Jeff
6 years 6 months ago

That was the funniest thing I have ever read. Almost finished with MHI and can’t wait for the next one. Love ya brother.

David Brady
Guest
6 years 6 months ago

I just called China Wok II. They open at 12:30 this Saturday (and I’ll be there, because I AM AN IDIOT). He says they used to use ghost peppers, but now they use a homegrown pepper mix that is actually hotter.

Now, Guinness’ ranking notwithstanding, this tells me that the strain of jolokia may have been weaker, and their own mix is more deadly. Either way… momma. I’m expecting to mouth-first into 500,000 to 1,000,000 scovilles.

Look for the bald guy sobbing in the corner, that’ll be me. (Unless I’m still screaming.)

Travis
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Travis
6 years 5 months ago

Sounds like a great way to not only burn myself to death, but cry in grand masochistic joy as I do it. If ever I’m passing through Utah, I’ll have to stop by and simply order a side. No need to fail the challenge if I’m going to burn myself to death!

Also, thanks for MHI, can’t wait for the upcoming releases!

Aussie_Dave
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Aussie_Dave
4 years 7 months ago

The latest news on the Chilli front!

Trinidad Moruga Scorpion officially dubbed world’s hottest pepper

http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/eats/trinidad-moruga-scorpion-officially-dubbed-world-hottest-pepper-article-1.1023803?localLinksEnabled=false

trackback

[…] took me a bit to get on base. But arrive I did, into a roaring oration of how Larry attempted his wall of flame challenge. Descriptions of submarines popping out of the floor, walruses asking for directions, and […]

Bryan
Guest
Bryan
2 years 1 month ago

At the time this was written, the ghost pepper was the hottest pepper in the world, averaging 1,000,000 SHU’s. Likely this is what was used. Now there’s actually specially bred peppers that average 1,500,000 SHU’s and peak at 2,200,000 SHU’s.

Scary stuff, huh?

Steve Poling
Guest
1 year 10 months ago

Try washing the peppers down with HOT tea. Yes, it redoubles the pain. BUT it also destabilizes Capsaicin. And it impresses spectators.

52hubcap
Guest
1 year 7 months ago

Sounds like about a five winter pepper. ‘Round these parts we rate spicy food by winters. Here’s how: 1. Eat spicy food. 2. When nature calls, go out to the woods to relieve yourself. 3. Count how many winters you can warm your hands over it.

PavePusher
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PavePusher
4 months 5 days ago
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