Russian professor smokes crack

Okay, there is this professor in Russia who has a theory about how America is going to collapse into a civil war and then break into several different groups.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123051100709638419.html

Okay, that’s not the part I’ve got an issue with, because I’ve already told my Texan friends to scout me out some good real estate as soon as they succeed.

The funny part of this is his map.

russian-version1

 

Yes, because Alaska is going to go back to Russia… Yep. That’s going to go over well. Sarah Palin and Vladamir Putin could go hunting together. The Russians couldn’t defeat Afghanistan, I don’t really know how well they would do against a bunch of people who shoot moose off their porch with .338 Win mags for fun. Alaskans are tough. Anybody who lives somewhere where the local animals will eat you and the weather can kill you in minutes tend to have their priorities in order.

I love how Mexico is going to take over Texas, Alabama, and Mississippi… Good luck with that! I think that it would actually be the other way around.  I think there was a period in time where that blue part of the map was known as the Confederacy. They’ll probably get along just fine.  In fact, President Chuck Norris of Texabamaianaippi (Damn, what is it with you southerners and all those vowels? Are you Polynesian or something?) will just wait until Swine Flu wipes out Mexico and then they’ll go down and build condos there and drill for oil.  I’m willing to be the Texabamans would have no problem securing their border.  

The Eastern states will join the EU. Okay, that part I could actually believe, except somehow he’s got Tennesee and Kentucky in there. Okay, if you’ve been there, you’ve got to admit that the idea of Nashville in the EU is kind of hilarious. I nominate my buddy Echo Tango to be the ambassador to the World Court. I’m trying to picture a very angry southerner choking out Belgian diplomats.

(actually, wait a second, maybe it would be in Texabama’s best interests to become part of Mexico, because then they could sneak across the unsecured border into the New EU to get free emergency room healthcare, free education, and all those other perks. They could say that they’re just doing the job that Vermonters won’t do… I’ll have to consult with Chuck Norris on this next time we’re playing golf with Rush Limbaugh and Ted Nugent at the NeoCon convention) 

Montana and Wyoming will be conquored by CANADA.  Oh, man, that’s good.  I love how Montana and Wyoming will naturally fall in line with Illinois. Because they have so very much in common. When I think of obvious sister cities I think of Chicago and Bozeman. Then they will all be dominated by CANADA.  Okay, everytime I type that out it makes me laugh out loud.

A community organizer in Wyoming is the guy on horseback stopping traffic on mainstreet while they run a herd of cows through town.   

And last but not least, Idaho and Utah will fall in with California (logically), and we’ll all be taken over by China…

I’m going to go out on a bit of a limb here, and guess that the good crack smoking professor has never actually been to America other than with Google Earth. 

If America were to ever fragment it certainly would not be along those lines. If it were to happen in my lifetime it would probably look like a great big red slash right through the middle of the country, leaving a narrow bunch of west coast and the eastern seaboard and the urban midwest. 

Blue state folks laugh about that and say, “So! We’ve got all the precious seaports!” (besides Houston, and I’m pretty sure we’d take San Diego too, heck, we’ll trade you Denver for it) Then we’d just have a good chuckle as we shut down the freeways into their utopia and say good luck farming all that asphalt.

Oh no! We would no longer have New York or Hollywood. How could we ever live without all that precious culture? Where would I go to have a bunch of elitist pricks tell me everyday how much of an ignorant, racist, inbred, hillbilly, bumpkin I am out here in fly-over country clinging to my guns and religion?

Where will I be without NBC (a subsidiary of GE) to hit my kids over the head with global warming and ice floe drifting polar bears every thirty seconds? (see that big styrafoam bonfire over there, yep, that one’s for you, Al Gore)

We would lose all of the best liberal-arts and law schools (aw shucks). Where would we be without Columbia or Harvard? (even though when I was at po’ ol’ hillbilly Utah State, our business majors absolutely smoked Stanford’s business school in all areas of testing even though our yearly tuition would maybe pay for their valet parking for a week). Where would we be without a bunch of PhDs who’ve never done anything useful in their entire lives besides pontificate to a bunch of other academic weenies about how superior they are to us red-staters?

Oh, whatever would we do?  

Man, maybe this Russian guy is onto something.  Now if only he could learn to read a frigging map.

21 Responses

  1. First off, if the US were to split, it wouldn’t be along those lines. I can’t see West-by-God Virginia and Massachusetts being in the same group, let alone Tennessee and New York.

    Second, if we were to split, we still wouldn’t get taken over by no damn furriners!

    • That’s right! West-by-God Virginia won’t be forming up with any liberal pundits! With the exception of western PA, as a general rule we don’t even like anyone north of us.

  2. Kentucky, Tennessee, North and South Carolina, and Virginia in the same group with the North East? That’s some good crack he’s smoking. They’d be more likely to join up with Texas and the rest.

  3. I think I and my three brothers alone could take on half the Mexican army- and would, if they tried to take ‘Bama.

    “Roll Skynyrd, and light ‘em up!”

  4. “Where would I go to have a bunch of elitist pricks tell me everyday how much of an ignorant, racist, inbred, hillbilly, bumpkin I am out here in fly-over country clinging to my guns and religion?”

    Park City? The Avenues? University of Utah communications and liberal arts majors?

    See, we have our left-wing prickery right here in Utah. No need to go to Boston or Georgetown. Buy local!

  5. Honestly, I can see secession going rather badly for the elitist big city dwellers in a number of ways. I am imagining all the people in CA who have been trod upon and politically smothered by LA, SF and so forth getting really pissed. Same with Portland and Eugene, here in Oregon. Both states would lean a lot farther toward the right without their respective anti American big cities.
    I can see the West Coast telling Texas/Idaho/Utah, “Fine! Go ahead, we don’t need you!”, and the next day, seeing the Stars and Bars run up the flag pole in the state capitols. Followed shortly by the admission of Oregon and CA(minus the communist portions) into the Texas Confederacy.

    Of course, it would be nice if we weren’t outnumbered by angry children bent upon imposing their will on all of us, but that’s a bigger pipe dream than peaceful secession…

  6. It’s particularly amusing, the Professor’s Map I mean, becuse he obviously has no clue of the social/political/cultural makeup of the United States. Even on the west coast, Chinese are a small minority, so assuming any part of the US will fall under Chinese influence is simply ridiculous.

    And the idea of Tennessee being in the European Union just gives me a gigglesnort.

    Complicating the idea of breaking up the United States, though, is the fact that the left/right gulf in this country isn’t formed along geographical lines. While some places are overwhelmingly liberal and some places are overwhelmingly conservative, no place in the United States is entirely in on one side of the fence.

    That, however, really isn’t a concern. After all, the “other side” doesn’t have any guns, so all they can do is complain, maybe hold a protest. LOL

    I could see New England forming its own Commonwealth and working as a country. Texas could survive as an independent republic. The South could probably band together into a coalition of states.

    The mountain west is more complicated, as in the middle of it all we have Denver. Ugh, Denver.

    California should just go be it’s own stupid country and let us be rid of it.

    The Plains States are critically important, as that’s where the food comes from.

    I don’t like the Stars and Bars as a flag. I think the Navy Jack, the Gadsen Flag, or some variation of them should be the new flag. A rattlesnake is a totally awesome national mascot.

    • I personally like the Gadsden flag, but I’d shy away from it as a symbol, same as the Confederate battle flag. Both have been held up with too many negative connotations to be used, imo. That’s why I mentioned the Stars and Bars. Very few people have even heard of it, let alone attached negative associations to it. Navy Jack might be ok, or the come and take it flag.

  7. Coastline would possibly fall, but NY would split along Route 88, probably, and only the Downstate and Island would be New York. The rest of us, upstate, would then be happy not to pay tribute to The City or suffer the Sullivan Law or etc.

    Same goes for PA, only Philly would fall.

  8. The Central plains falling under Canadian control? *snort*

    We’ll take Alberta *FROM* Canada, and let the rest rot. Hell, I’m fairly sure a small strike team from my home state could handle that in fairly short order. (ND!)

    Which isn’t to say everythings all roses out here. We vote Red… except for our bloodly Congresspersons. All of which I swear go out of thier way to look like idiots as often as possible…

  9. Certain parts of Nashville would actually fit rather well in the EU. The areas not dominated by pretentious carpet baggers would probably preclude the others from joining, though.

    Mogadishu on the Mississippi (otherwise known as Memphis) would fit well in the EU, but I don’t know how we could convince the EU to take it.

    NC and SC would both go to the Texas Repulic, with the exception of the Research Triangle and Asheville. Those areas would probably be destroyed by their inhabitants in a fit of drug induced insanity.

    As for the Texas Republic, I think it would be more accurate to say Mexico would fall under its influence than the other way around.

  10. Let the “blue” states secede.

    Then do a “West Virginia” on them. Their “america” is going to look awfully damned small when we get through with it.

    Just a few isolated urban crap holes on the coasts, and Cook County in Illinois. We could wall them off and use them as a dumping ground for felons … wasn’t there a movie about that?

    I though you were dead, Snake.

  11. I don’ t remember the stats from the latest presidential election, but I know Utah was by far the highest percentage for Bush in 2004. I think it was over 70%.

    Oh yeah, they’ll be more than happy to jump in with a bunch of leftists. Sure they will.

    Same thing with Idaho, and probably Nevada and Arizona.

  12. The Alamo

    Texas hasn’t forgot about it and its been 173 years!
    Need I say more?

    God Bless Texas!

  13. Proof that being an academic (even in Russia) gets you the best narcotics. I think it’s mandatory to be stoned when thinking as an academic, otherwise how would you be able to enjoy the taste of the BS that flows and flows from your gaping piehole?

    Arizona under Chicom influence? Hmm. How about NO. We could be fooled into it (our politicians are just as stupid as any others), but we’re still cowboys at heart out here.

    Possible, but not likely.

  14. Um. Not to throw cold water on all you folks busily insulting MA (and don’t worry, I live here and I insult it on a daily basis!), but there ARE a few things you guys might miss… Universities like, say, MIT or (on the Left Coast) CalTech. (Care to guess who designed the guidance systems on our Trident II ICBMs? No? Draper Labs, a spin off of MIT… and located two blocks away in Cambridge, MA). How ’bout hospitals like Mass General and Columbia (in NYC)? How about that little company down in NJ called Bell Labs? I literally can’t count how many patents they hold, but there’s one key one that makes the internet possible – FIBER OPTICS. Hate to point it out, but our best bet is enlightening these poor foolish libs and keeping the union together, because there are a LOT of good things on the coasts.

    Now… that said. There is NO WAY that New England will form a union of it’s own. Oh, Maine, MA and CT might try to join together, but NH wouldn’t join MA if you held guns to their heads. (and yes, some of us in MA DO own them). NH and VT might join together, but VT has been making noises about the Second VT Republic for a while now.

    And as for MA, you’d likely see Central and Western MA split off from those liberal weenies inside the 128 belt (Metro Boston)!. Or possibly the 495 belt, but I hope not… I live inside 495, as do many gun owners that I know. But most of the state does NOT LIKE those morons on Bacon Hill (the state house in Boston).

    • You meant Universities and Research centers like that Univ of Tenn and their Oak Ridge place in TN? Or looking at Ohio and its combination of OSU and Battelle (literally across the road) (and who runs a lot of those National Research labs)?

  15. Will my $100 lifetime carry permit still let me carry while drinking in bars after Indiana becomes part of Canada?

  16. Probably not, Tam.

    I wouldn’t worry too much about higher education thought. Indiana has one of the best systems of higher education in the country, and that’s not even counting those bums down in Bloomington. BOILER UP. (yes, my collegiate allegiance is rather tribal. I can’t help it, evolution made me this way).

  17. What the good professor should have done is peruse a county, rather than a state map of the U.S. He would have noticed that even the states that voted for Harry Reid’s hollow puppet divided along the lines of urban/near suburbs vs. exurbs/small towns. The unarmed and timid leftists are overwhelmingly clustered in a few coastal counties, (the Great Lakes are coastal), dependent on us rednecks for their food, water, fuel, and electricity. Mi Gusta!

  18. LA will have fun with their seaport, and no water after we stop starving ourselves for their benefit.

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