Why is Ted Turner insane?

http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/news/stories/2008/04/03/turner_0404.html

Ted turner says the following: 30 or 40 years and basically none of the crops will grow,” Turner said during a wide-ranging, hour-long interview with PBS’s Charlie Rose that aired Tuesday. “Most of the people will have died and the rest of us will be cannibals,” said Turner, 69. “Civilization will have broken down. The few people left will be living in a failed state — like Somalia or Sudan — and living conditions will be intolerable.”

Oh yeah.  If we have to turn to cannabalism, I’m down with that.  I’m going to eat Vegans.  Think about it, they’re going to be all grain-fed and soft.  No artificial sweeteners or preservatives, no nicotine, they won’t be all gamey.  Ahh yeah.

Plus, Vegans, 99.98% of them being Liberals, will also be unarmed, and easily captured and eaten after the Global Warming Apocolypse (hereafter reffered to as the GWA).  Think about it. They’re like a herd animal anyway…

The GWA may seem like a laughing matter now, but we’ll see who’s laughing when you find yourself dangling from a bungee cord, having a chainsaw duel against a retarded guy with a bucket on his head, for my amusement, in my THUNDERDOME!  BWA HA HA HA HA! “Two men enter!  One man leaves!”  Sorry, got a little ahead of myself.  Some of us are just itching for the GWA. 

Actually, I’m still waiting to start farming Greenland.  Like the Vikings did.  In recent recorded history.  Oh, wait… yeah, that doesn’t fit the agenda.  Never mind. 

“We’re too many people; that’s why we have global warming,” he said. “Too many people are using too much stuff.” Turner suggested that “on a voluntary basis, everybody in the world’s got to pledge to themselves that one or two children is it.” – Says the man with like 9 kids, who commutes to work in a private jet, and who’s ‘scenic’ property could grow like enough corn to feed 10,000 tasty Vegans.

Turner went on to say that military budgets need to be cut “way back.” “Right now, the U.S. is spending $500 billion a year on the military, which is more than all 190 countries in the world put together,” he said. “The two countries that the military industrial complex and some of our politicians would like to demonize and make enemies are Russia and China,” Turner said. “China just wants to sell us shoes. They’re not building landing craft to attack the United States, and Russia wants to be our friends, too.”

I really wish that I could be a Liberal.  Then I could live in a happy fairytale world of fluffy bunnies and hugs and rainbows.  If old Ted’s so damned worried about overpopulation, then he should be encouraging us to go to war more often.  Nothing trims the herd like good old fashioned war, and nobody does it better than us.  (brought to you by the Military Industrial Complex and Black Helicopter Society).  Sadly, my brain, as it is configured now, won’t allow me to be a Liberal.  I’ve thought about taking up Paint Huffing as a hobby, because then, people like Ted Turner would probably make more sense.

Ted on Irag: “We’re being beaten by insurgents who don’t even have any tanks, they don’t have a headquarters, they don’t have a Pentagon, we don’t even know if they have any generals,” Turner told Rose. Turner called the Iraqi insurgents “patriots” who “don’t like us because we invaded their country and occupied it. Nobody likes to be invaded.”

When the GWA occurs, we’re eating Ted first.  Despite him being all stringy, bony, and flavored with Liberal angst, that man just deserves to be a cannibal feast.  Well, maybe not feast, but I bet if we used him as the base for a stew, he wouldn’t be too bad. 

Considering that most of the insurgents we’re currently killing en masse aren’t even from Iraq, but are from bordering countries, and most of the Iraqi people want us there (and Ted Turner’s polls can bite me, because I’m going to take the word of the couple hundred people I know who have actually been there, as opposed to Nancy “don’t you dare give us good news” Pelosi), I’m gonna say that he’s way off base here.

Yep, those patriots sure are doing good without their evil military-industrial complex (gonna look the other way on Iran I suppose), that we don’t need tanks and planes to defend ourselves.  That’s why we’ve got a kill ratio against the insurgents of like 100 to 1, because you know, that’s the ratio we want to be on the losing side of should our good friends, the innocent shoe-makers of China, ever decide to get uppity. 

I think I’ve got Ted figured out though.  Since the world’s overpopulated, then he’s got to root for the psychotic fanatics who’s hobbies are sawing the excess population’s heads off.  Since Americans are too lazy to randomly saw people’s heads off, that leaves him with rooting for the terrorists, but his ace in the hole is to root for the communists, because nobody, and I mean nobody, kills people in bulk like those guys. 

So Ted Turner, Sir, I have to say, in all honesty, that you are the biggest moron I’m aware of.  Thank you for being you, for you have certainly brightened my day.  Now if you will excuse me, I have to check on my food storage and ammo supply. 

17 Responses

  1. I worry about you sometimes….

    This isn’t one of them…

    But sometimes…

  2. “I have to check on my food storage and ammo supply”

    So how many Vegans you got on ice?

  3. (sing-a-long time)

    People….

    People who eat people…

    People who eat people are the hungriest people of all.

  4. One metric ton of dead vegan can be converted, via heat depolymerization, into 80 gallons of biodiesel.

    Gotta keep your priorities straight. Getting the juice to run your death chariot is far more important than keeping the serfs fed.

  5. I’d eat Jane Fonda, but not Ted.

    Not that there’s anything wrong with man eating man.

    Let’s see, 100 – 1, that’s actually some good progress. Only 9.5 million radical psychopaths to go.

  6. Only 80 gallons!?!

    Damn! I guess I’ll need Vegans for food, and fatties for fuel. Better carve out a new bunker for storage.

  7. Eating an unprocessed vegan? Nope! Use them as fertilizer, grow crops, feed the crops to the farm animals and then let’s have a BBQ.

  8. I forgot to add. Ted is the latest Howard Hughes but unfortunately he chooses to go outside instead of crawling in a corner of some Las Vegas suite and vegetate to death.

  9. You have some serious issues that you need to address after you’re finished writing MHI books for my amusement.

    Not before.

  10. Vegans the other white meat. But they taste like tofu and smell of patchouli oil. Mr piggy will not mind the taste, turn long pork into pork with an oink. Not that I know what vegans taste like.

  11. Reminds me sortof a converstation i had befor Y2K, was i wrong on that, but working in a sporting goods store, selling a shotgun to customer1 (C1 from now on) and trying to sell fishing gear to customer2 (C2). It went sorta like this.

    C1. Whats a good shotgun to defend my house with?
    Me. I like the Winchester 1300, or the Mossberg 500, both in 12 bore, and with shorter barrels, and plenty of round capacity. Either one would work for self defensive reasons. On the down side the 1300 is more expensive, and the 500 has two brls one at 22″ great for brid and game hunting.
    C1 let me see the 1300 first.
    C2 you dont need a gun, nothings going to happen and i dont belive in guns or violence. Just stock up on food and fishing gear and you will be fine.
    Me uhhhhh.
    C1. since you dont belive in guns or violence, i dont need to stock up on food, i can just take yours right? Where do you live?
    C2. What.
    C1. I will just go take your stuff if i need it, you wond be able to defend yourself nor will you be able to stop me.
    C2. That would be wrong, violence never solves anything.
    Me. Can i help either of you find something, or answer any questions?
    C2. would someone really rob me? I wont ever hurt anyone.
    C1. Thats the best people to rob, all the goods and no will to defend themself, its a win win for me!
    Me. I doubt anything major will happen, just a few days without power at the most dont worry about it.
    C2. I am going to hide untill the this all blows over.
    C1. Good luck with that hope nothing happens.
    Me. Good luck.
    C2 i have to hide now.
    C1. Why would you not want ot be able to defend your self.
    Me I dont know.

  12. Don’t eat Ted, that’s how Mad Cow disease gets spread.
    Use him for bait. His howlings seems to attract the herd animals.

  13. […] April 9, 2008 Ted Turner On A Spit, Anyone? Posted by christopherstock under Politics   http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2008/04/07/why-is-ted-turner-insane/ […]

  14. Even Liberals come out tender after 30 minutes in a pressure cooker.

  15. We really need to put Ted turner on ice so WHEN this all happens we can thaw him & say here you go Ted. i would hate for him to die & not be able to see the world in 30-40 years. Of course we would have to wait until the 40 years to the day was up otherwise he would say “I said 30-40 years it has been 39 years & 364 days”

  16. I said it at Joes. What does an omnivore or a carnivore call an herbivore? Lunch. As a hardcore survival instructor I once knew said, “Once it’s dead it ain’t nothin’ but meat”.

  17. […] November 8, 2008 I Wept Posted by christopherstock under Uncategorized   http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2008/04/07/why-is-ted-turner-insane/ […]

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