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The State of the Union

You guys know I love to fisk Obama speeches.  They’re just so filled with lies, half-truths, distortions, whining, blame-casting, narcissism, and ego stroking that the blog post damn near writes itself.  However, since the state of the union was a brain-melting 69 minutes there is just no way.  Even once you remove the twenty minutes of democrats clapping, hooting, doing the wave, and Sheila Jackson Lee climbing on John Kerry’s shoulders and flashing the president like a spring-breaker on a Girl’s Gone Wild video, 49 minutes of bloviating is just too much Obama for me to stomach in one sitting.

 So for the abridged version, I’m just going to try and hit the highlight reel.   The Big O is in italics.

Before we begin, shout out to Chris Matthews for once again illustrating Correia’s simple rules for understanding racism. Keep in mind, since he’s a frothing lunatic lefty, he could actually burn crosses on the air and nobody would care… but to be fair, considering his ratings, I don’t think anybody would actually notice.

Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you the One. The Big O. Franklin Delano X. Our President, his supreme awesomness, Barack Hussein Obama:
Blah Blah Blah, – couple of minutes about struggle, boring intro.

One year ago, I took office amid two wars, an economy rocked by a severe recession, a financial system on the verge of collapse, and a government deeply in debt.  Here we are, in the first three paragraphs and he is already blaming Bush.  Gee, that took longer than expected.  Experts from across the political spectrum warned that if we did not act, we might face a second depression. So we acted — immediately and aggressively and used the opportunity as an excuse to spend ungodly sums of money on stupid crap. And one year later, the worst of the storm has passed.  Uh hu… Has it now?

But the devastation remains. One in 10 Americans still cannot find work.  And everybody knows that number is much higher.  10% are the ones that are still actively looking and haven’t just given up.  Many businesses have shuttered.  Especially the small ones, because you bailed out all the big ones so that they could crush the little guys underfoot.  Home values have declined.  Shout out to my homie, Barney Frank. Small towns and rural communities have been hit especially hard. Not that Obama understands rural communities, because he apparently doesn’t understand what pickup trucks are for.   And for those who’d already known poverty, life has become that much harder.

This recession has also compounded the burdens that America’s families have been dealing with for decades — the burden of working harder and longer for less; of being unable to save enough to retire or help kids with college.  Yeah, and giving half of what I earn to the government sure don’t help, jackass!

So I know the anxieties that are out there right now. They’re not new.  Yes, I had similar anxiety when Clinton was president.  These struggles are the reason I ran for President.  Because an Ivy league educated rich kid from Hawaii who has only worked BS jobs and been a political hack KNOWS struggle. These struggles are what I’ve witnessed for years in places like Elkhart, Indiana; Galesburg, Illinois. What? Did he drive through there once?   I hear about them in the letters that I read each night. The toughest to read are those written by children because as products of public education they’re damn near illiterate! — asking why they have to move from their home, asking when their mom or dad will be able to go back to work or why Timmy has two daddies.

For these Americans and so many others, change has not come fast enough.  Some are frustrated; some are angry. No kidding?  They don’t understand why it seems like bad behavior on Wall Street is rewarded, because you rewarded them! but hard work on Main Street isn’t because you told us to F off; or why Washington has been unable or unwilling to solve any of our problems. Oh, there’s no question there. They’re tired of the partisanship and the shouting and the pettiness.  It is only petty when you disagree with him.  Just watch, this is gonna be a theme tonight. They know we can’t afford it. Not now.

So we face big and difficult challenges. The biggest of which is keeping you from implementing any more Marxist policies. And what the American people hope — what they deserve — is for all of us, Democrats and Republicans, to work through our differences; to overcome the numbing weight of our politics. AAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!   Do you not get it?  We don’t want to compromise with your side, because then we get a little more socialism, over and over again, until we’re living in Big Dumb Canada.  For while the people who sent us here have different backgrounds, different stories, different beliefs, the anxieties they face are the same. Yes, how is Washington going to &%$! me today? The aspirations they hold are shared: a job that pays the bills; a chance to get ahead; most of all, the ability to give their children a better life.  You forgot a big one.  The aspiration to just be left alone to lead my life as I see fit without you meddling in it.

* Skipped a few paragraphs about hope and change and adversity and love and puppies.  There was also something about coaching little league or something, hell, even Harry Reid fell asleep during this part.  *

Our most urgent task upon taking office was to shore up the same banks that helped cause this crisis. It was not easy to do. And if there’s one thing that has unified Democrats and Republicans, and everybody in between, it’s that we all hated the bank bailout. I hated it — (applause.) I hated it. You hated it. It was about as popular as a root canal. (Laughter.)   
I ain’t laughing. 

Yes. You all HATED it.  But you did it anyway…  Sure you did.  Totally HATED it.

But when I ran for President, I promised I wouldn’t just do what was popular — I would do what was necessary.  Like giving more speeches in 1 year than most presidents have done in 8.  And if we had allowed the meltdown of the financial system, unemployment might be double what it is today. Oh, at least! Scientifically they saved at least 10 billion jobs.  More businesses would certainly have closed. More homes would have surely been lost.  Space Turtles would have rampaged across Nebraska!

So I supported the last administration’s efforts to create the financial rescue program. And when we took that program over, we made it more transparent and more accountable.  HA HA HA HA! And as a result, the markets are now stabilized, and we’ve recovered most of the money we spent on the banks. (Applause.) Most but not all.  Wait for it…

To recover the rest, I’ve proposed a fee on the biggest banks. (Applause.) Now, I know Wall Street isn’t keen on this idea. But if these firms can afford to hand out big bonuses again, they can afford a modest fee to pay back the taxpayers who rescued them in their time of need. (Applause.)  Except that isn’t what is happening at all, you lying sack of crap.  The actual proposal is to FINE the banks that have already paid back the bailout, with interest, and this includes the banks that you FORCED to take bailout money because you suddenly changed the asset and liquidity rules test to something that almost no bank could pass, and then made it mandatory for them to take money.   The reason Wall Street isn’t keen on this is because the government is just making up random fines to spike businesses with.  Now that makes me want to invest and hire more employees!

Now, as we stabilized the financial system, we also took steps to get our economy growing again, save as many jobs as possible, and help Americans who had become unemployed.  No.  You didn’t. You spent money on pork and hired more government employees.

That’s why we extended or increased unemployment benefits for more than 18 million Americans; made health insurance 65 percent cheaper for families who get their coverage through COBRA; and passed 25 different tax cuts.  Yep… Unless you’re a smoker. Or you like to eat food.  Or you work at a business.  Or you drive a car.  Or you exist, as a mammal, on planet Earth.

Now, let me repeat: We cut taxes. We cut taxes for 95 percent of working families. As an accountant who actually has to make numbers add up correctly, that part actually hurts me. (Applause.) We cut taxes for small businesses. We cut taxes for first-time homebuyers. We cut taxes for parents trying to care for their children. We cut taxes for 8 million Americans paying for college. (Applause.)

I thought I’d get some applause on that one. (Laughter and applause.)  That line was because the republicans didn’t clap, because most of them can do math. 

As a result, millions of Americans had more to spend on gas which costs more because of your idiotic energy policies and food and other necessities which also costs more because all the extra hoops you’re making all business jump through, all of which helped businesses keep more workers. And we haven’t raised income taxes by a single dime on a single person. Not a single dime. Except for smokers, because screw those guys. (Applause.)

Besides… why would you need to raise taxes? We can just keep on spending and printing!  Hell, Obama is spending more, faster, than ever at any point in history. What could possibly go wrong?

Because of the steps we took, there are about two million Americans working right now who would otherwise be unemployed.
A magic unicorn told him so!  (Applause.) Two hundred thousand work in construction and clean energy; 300,000 are teachers and other education workers. Tens of thousands are cops, firefighters, correctional officers, first responders. (Applause.) And we’re on track to add another one and a half million jobs to this total by the end of the year.  Except what they’ve mostly done is hire more and more government employees, which the private sector gets to pay for, forever. 

The plan that has made all of this possible, from the tax cuts to the jobs, is the Recovery Act. (Applause.) That’s right — the Recovery Act, also known as the stimulus bill.
Also known as PORK PORK PORKITY POOOOORRRRKKKK!!!! (Applause.) Economists on the left and the right say this bill has helped save jobs and avert disaster. Nobody disagreed at all ever.  But you don’t have to take their word for it. Talk to the small business in Phoenix that will triple its workforce because of the Recovery Act. Talk to the window manufacturer in Philadelphia who said he used to be skeptical about the Recovery Act, until he had to add two more work shifts just because of the business it created. Talk to the single teacher raising two kids who was told by her principal in the last week of school that because of the Recovery Act, she wouldn’t be laid off after all.  

Yep. There are ABSOLUTEY NO DOWNSIDES.  The money that paid for those 3 individual stories came from a pot of magical gold that Barack found one morning at the end of a rainbow. He was led there by a leprechaun that looked suspiciously like Hu Jintao. 

Blah blah blah… I zoned out here for awhile.  It was more stuff about how life is tough, but Obama is going to make it all better.

Now, the true engine of job creation in this country will always be America’s businesses. Which is why he kicks America’s businesses in the crotch at every opportunity. (Applause.) But government can create the conditions necessary for businesses to expand and hire more workers. Which is why he hired all those new auditors, because nothing helps small business grow like being rectally probed!  

We should start where most new jobs do — in small businesses, companies that begin when — (applause) Hell, they’re even applauding in the middle of sentences now! — companies that begin when an entrepreneur — when an entrepreneur takes a chance on a dream, or a worker decides it’s time she became her own boss.  I’ve been an entrepreneur.  Trust me. Obama doesn’t know crap about being an entrepreneur. Through sheer grit and determination, these companies have weathered the recession and they’re ready to grow. But when you talk to small businessowners in places like Allentown, Pennsylvania, or Elyria, Ohio, thanks Google Earth! you find out that even though banks on Wall Street are lending again, they’re mostly lending to bigger companies. Because those are the ones that everyone knows you’ll bail out, oh master of Econ 101. Financing remains difficult for small businessowners across the country, even those that are making a profit.

So tonight, I’m proposing that we take $30 billion of the money Wall Street banks have repaid and use it to help community banks give small businesses the credit they need to stay afloat. Hey, we’re already drowning in debt and have sold our grandkids to China, let’s keep spending! WHOOO!  (Applause.) I’m also proposing a new small business tax credit
— one that will go to over one million small businesses who hire new workers or raise wages. (Applause.)
That said, I’m totally cool with getting rid of any tax.  While we’re at it, let’s also eliminate all capital gains taxes on small business investment, and provide a tax incentive for all large businesses and all small businesses to invest in new plants and equipment. (Applause.)  Once again, getting rid of taxes is awesome.  So I wonder how the democrats will manage to dick this up.

Next, we can put Americans to work today building the infrastructure of tomorrow. (Applause.) From the first railroads to the Interstate Highway System, our nation has always been built to compete.  Except the government managed to kill that.  There are like 40,000 pages of regulations relating to the production and sale of broccoli.  There’s no reason Europe or China should have the fastest trains, or the new factories that manufacture clean energy products. Except for the part where we’ve got the most regulations and the highest corporate tax rate.  We built the Golden Gate Bridge in the 1930s in 2 years.  You can’t get an environmental impact statement to put up a Tough Shed in your back yard in 2 years now.

Okay… This next bit was all about CLEAN ENERGY funded by the recovery act.  It was basically democrats masturbating to how awesome there are.  To give you an idea, this is from 3 paragraphs.  (Applause.)  (Applause.) — (applause) — (Applause.)  (Applause.) (Applause.)(Applause.)  (Applause.) (Applause.)  No. Seriously.

But the truth is, these steps won’t make up for the seven million jobs that we’ve lost over the last two years. Hell, with the seven million jobs he saved earlier, we’re even… What recession? The only way to move to full employment is to lay a new foundation for long-term economic growth, and finally address the problems that America’s families have confronted for years like being torn apart by wolves or having Rahm Emmanual lay his eggs in their chest.

We can’t afford another so-called economic “expansion” like the one from the last decade — what some call the “lost decade” – Yeah, that is a pretty good TV show.  where jobs grew more slowly than during any prior expansion; where the income of the average American household declined while the cost of health care and tuition reached record highs; where prosperity was built on a housing bubble and financial speculation. Blame Bush in 3, 2, 1 — From the day I took office, I’ve been told that addressing our larger challenges is too ambitious; such an effort would be too contentious. I’ve been told that I’m just too awesome and good looking. I’ve been told that our political system is too gridlocked, and that we should just put things on hold for a while.

For those who make these claims, I have one simple question: How long should we wait? How long should America put its future on hold? (Applause.) Seriously. WTF does that even mean?  So when conservatives disagree with ramming Marxist BS down our throats we’re “putting the future on hold”.

You see, Washington has been telling us to wait for decades, even as the problems have grown worse.  Meanwhile, China is not waiting to revamp its economy.  I’m sure all that interest we’re paying them don’t hurt. Germany is not waiting. India is not waiting. How many of them want Cap & Trade? These nations — they’re not standing still. These nations aren’t playing for second place. They’re in it to win it… says the guy who did the Apology Tour. They’re putting more emphasis on math and science. Hmmm… I wonder how strong their teacher’s unions are? They’re rebuilding their infrastructure. They’re making serious investments in clean energy because they want those jobs. Clean Energy.  Will you shut the hell up with the clean energy already.  Well, I do not accept second place for the United States of America. (Applause.)  That is a pretty shocking thing for the guy that keeps friggin’ BOWING to everyone to say.

As hard as it may be, as uncomfortable and contentious as the debates may become, it’s time to get serious about fixing the problems that are hampering our growth. Wait… Debate is good now?  I thought if you went to a Tea Party you were a threat to national security. 

I looked to Janet Napolitono, Defender of Homeland, at this point, but she was asleep.  Literally. 

Now, one place to start is serious financial reform. Look, I am not interested in punishing banks.
BWA HA HA HA Snort  I’m interested in protecting our economy. Lost interest at this point.  He’s talking about jobs again… Notice he hasn’t mentioned health care yet, but after getting decapitated in the special elections he’s just all about jobs! 

Now this is the clean energy bit again, because clean energy is like the magic Job Fairy.  Because 7 million people that are out of work are going to be building solar panels. (Applause.) financial reform (Applause.)  (Applause.) reform (Applause.) funding — (applause) — clean nuclear power plants in this country. (Applause.)  

Wait… What?  Did I hear Nuclear Power?  I was on Facebook and not paying attention. Did a democrat actually talk about NUCLEAR POWER and it wasn’t to demonize it?  (Applause.) clean coal (Applause.) clean energy (Applause.). (Applause.) bipartisan (Applause.) energy-efficiency and clean energy -clean energy economy (Applause.) Hell, if all this Clean Energy BS is about nukes, sign me up baby!  And all this time I thought it was for stupid poisonous light bulbs.

Third, we need to export more of our goods. (Applause.) (Applause.) (Applause.). (Applause.) (Applause.). (Applause.) (Applause.)  Eh… it was a bunch of stuff about being competitive, which is ironic since Washington has done everything in its power, democrat or republican to make business as inefficient as possible.

Fourth, we need to invest in the skills and education of our people. (Applause.) Now, this year, we’ve broken through the stalemate between left and right by launching a national competition to improve our schools. And the idea here is simple: Instead of rewarding failure, we only reward success.  And aren’t you in bed with the teacher’s unions? And wasn’t it the democrats who just hate the idea of school choice, home schooling, or letting inner-city kids go to charter schools?  Instead of funding the status quo, we only invest in reform — reform that raises student achievement; inspires students to excel in math and science; and turns around failing schools that steal the future of too many young Americans, from rural communities to the inner city. And I’ll believe that, when I see it.  In the 21st century, the best anti-poverty program around is a world-class education. (Applause.) And in this country, the success of our children cannot depend more on where they live than on their potential. Feel good crap.  So, how many felonies will it take before a NYC teacher can get fired now? Four?

When we renew the Elementary and Secondary Education Act, we will work with Congress to expand these reforms to all 50 states. Still, in this economy, a high school diploma no longer guarantees a good job. Because a diploma is worth exactly crap, because our schools suck.  That’s why I urge the Senate to follow the House and pass a bill that will revitalize our community colleges, So we’ll have the government meddle there, until a college degree is worth what a high school diploma used to be. which are a career pathway to the children of so many working families. (Applause.)  as opposed to non-working families, who will have to go to Crack-Whore Polytechnic.

To make college more affordable, this bill will finally end the unwarranted taxpayer subsidies that go to banks for student loans. (Applause.) Instead, we had the government take over ALL student loans, so that the government has total control over higher education.  let’s take that money and give families a $10,000 tax credit for four years of college and increase Pell Grants. (Applause.) And let’s tell another one million students that when they graduate, they will be required to pay only 10 percent of their income on student loans, and all of their debt will be forgiven after 20 years — and forgiven after 10 years if they choose a career in public service, because in the United States of America, no one should go broke because they chose to go to college. (Applause.)  Wait a second… So what you just did there, and actually got applause for, is that you just said that someone who chooses to work for the government is a higher caste…

And by the way, it’s time for colleges and universities to get serious about cutting their own costs — (applause) — because they, too, have a responsibility to help solve this problem.  Says the guy who went to Harvard, pointed out by the guy who went to Utah State.

Now, the price of college tuition is just one of the burdens facing the middle class. That’s why last year I asked Vice President Biden to chair a task force on middle-class families. President Biden couldn’t find the room.  That’s why we’re nearly doubling the child care tax credit,

Allow me to diverge here for a second and talk about this if you’re not aware.  This is also known as the Screw-Stay-At-Home-Moms bill.  Basically what the government is saying is that if you choose to make the sacrifice of living your life in a manner where you can live off of a single income, and one of the parents chooses to stay at home to raise their own kids instead of hired-strangers, you are a lower class citizen. 

Okay… If most of this address has been about the problems of A. High Unemployment, and B. Stupid Kids, then the thing to do, obviously, is promote a policy that will A. Cause more people to compete for limited jobs in the workforce, and B. Decrease parental involvement.  Hell, if you want to decrease unemployment and have smarter kids, give a tax cut to people who are Married Filing Jointly with a single income.  Every study has shown that the single most important thing in determining how well a kid does in school is parental involvement, plus now you’ll only be competing against fifty laid-off mortgage brokers for that fry-cook position instead of seventy because some of them decided to stay home and raise their own children.

 and making it easier to save for retirement by giving access to every worker a retirement account and expanding the tax credit for those who start a nest egg. I’m sure .gov controlled retirement accounts will NEVER be raided. Cough. Social Security. Cough. That’s why we’re working to lift the value of a family’s single largest investment — their home. The steps we took last year to shore up the housing market have allowed millions of Americans to take out new loans and save an average of $1,500 on mortgage payments. Because as we’ve seen, when the feds get involved in housing, nothing could possibly go wrong.

 And it is precisely to relieve the burden on middle-class families that we still need health insurance reform. Oh. It is on now, bitches. (Applause.) Yes, we do. (Applause.) Thanks, Captain Soundbyte.

Now, let’s clear a few things up. (Laughter.) I didn’t choose to tackle this issue to get some legislative victory under my belt. And by now it should be fairly obvious that I didn’t take on health care because it was good politics. (Laughter.) No. You took it on because you are a Marxist, pure and simple, and there is no better tool for total control of the masses than their very health.  I took on health care because of the stories I’ve heard from Americans with preexisting conditions whose lives depend on getting coverage; That could be done in a 15 page bill. patients who’ve been denied coverage; families — even those with insurance — who are just one illness away from financial ruin.

After nearly a century of trying — Democratic administrations, Republican administrations — we are closer than ever to bringing more security to the lives of so many Americans. You would think that after 100 years of the American people saying WE DON’T WANT IT, they might actually listen. The approach we’ve taken would protect every American from the worst practices of the insurance industry. By making it mandatory that you have to buy their product or the government fines you.  It would give small businesses and uninsured Americans a chance to choose an affordable health care plan in a competitive market. If by competitive, you mean suicidal. It would require every insurance plan to cover preventive care.  Are there actually any that DON’T?

And by the way, I want to acknowledge our First Lady, Michelle Obama, who this year is creating a national movement to tackle the epidemic of childhood obesity and make kids healthier. She is qualified because she has buffed arms for a chick. (Applause.) Thank you. She gets embarrassed. I would too if I was married to Steve Urkel. (Laughter.)

Our approach would preserve the right of Americans who have insurance to keep their doctor and their plan.  No. It wouldn’t. It would reduce costs and premiums for millions of families and businesses. Nope. It would do the opposite. And according to the Congressional Budget Office — the independent organization that both parties have cited as the official scorekeeper for Congress — our approach would bring down the deficit by as much as $1 trillion over the next two decades. You lying son of a bitch. Could you obfuscate an issue any further?  According to the CBO, if EVERYTHING went perfect, and the government was somehow efficient for the first time in human history, and all your budgets were accurate, and every projection was accurate, and it started raining Skittles every Thursday, it would still cost stupid amounts of money. (Applause.)

Still, this is a complex issue, and the longer it was debated, the more skeptical people became. That’s because we’re paying attention.  I take my share of the blame for not explaining it more clearly to the American people. I don’t care how good you explain it, a turd is a turd. Ernest Hemingway and William Shakespeare could describe the turd and it would still be a turd.  And I know that with all the lobbying and horse-trading, the process left most Americans wondering, “What’s in it for me?” Higher taxes, less choice, and faceless bureaucrats telling me what to do? Unless you live in Nebraska. (horse trading must be slang for bribery).

But I also know this problem is not going away. By the time I’m finished speaking tonight, more Americans will have lost their health insurance. Sixteen puppies die every second. Millions will lose it this year. Our deficit will grow. Says the guy who paid for a magnetic levitation bullet train from Vegas to Disneyland.  Premiums will go up. Patients will be denied the care they need. Small business owners will continue to drop coverage altogether. I will not walk away from these Americans, and neither should the people in this chamber. (Applause.) Hey, I know. Let’s address all those issues, where each one can have its own 10 page, readable bill, instead of a phone book sized abortion of Karl Marx mixed with the creature from Leviathan.

So, as temperatures cool, I want everyone to take another look at the plan we’ve proposed. Let me look.  Nope. Still made of poop. There’s a reason why many doctors, nurses, and health care experts who know our system best consider this approach a vast improvement over the status quo. You can recognize them because they always wear their labcoats when they go out in public. But if anyone from either party has a better approach that will bring down premiums, bring down the deficit, cover the uninsured, strengthen Medicare for seniors, and stop insurance company abuses, let me know. Uh… look at the right side of the room. (Applause.) Let me know. Let me know. (Applause.) I’m eager to see it. Yeah. Heard you the first time.

Here’s what I ask Congress, though: Don’t walk away from reform. Not now. Not when we are so close. Let us find a way to come together and finish the job for the American people. Ain’t gonna happen, you egomaniacal ass-muppet. (Applause.) Let’s get it done. Let’s get it done. (Applause.) Why do you keep repeating yourself?

Now, even as health care reform would reduce our deficit, it’s not enough to dig us out of a massive fiscal hole in which we find ourselves. Says the guy who dug the hole, with dynamite! It’s a challenge that makes all others that much harder to solve, and one that’s been subject to a lot of political posturing. So let me start the discussion of government spending by setting the record straight. Groan.

At the beginning of the last decade, the year 2000, America had a budget surplus of over $200 billion. (Applause.) By the time I took office, we had a one-year deficit of over $1 trillion and projected deficits of $8 trillion over the next decade. Most of this was the result of not paying for two wars, two tax cuts, and an expensive prescription drug program. On top of that, the effects of the recession put a $3 trillion hole in our budget. All this was before I walked in the door. (Laughter and applause.) Yep. All Bushes fault… Totally.  Progressive candy-ass republicans and a democrat controlled congress (that Barack was in, mind you) face-raped America into indentured servitude.

Now — just stating the facts. Now, if we had taken office in ordinary times, I would have liked nothing more than to start bringing down the deficit. But we took office amid a crisis. And our efforts to prevent a second depression have added another $1 trillion to our national debt. That, too, is a fact. I hate him so much.  I inherited this problem, so I tripled it.  Wah!

I’m absolutely convinced that was the right thing to do. But families across the country are tightening their belts and making tough decisions. The federal government should do the same. Hey, I can agree! (Applause.) So tonight, I’m proposing specific steps to pay for the trillion dollars that it took to rescue the economy last year. So let’s hear it.

WARNING! This next bit is so nonsensical that reading it is like being kicked in the eyes by AIDS.

Starting in 2011, we are prepared to freeze government spending for three years. (Applause.) Spending related to our national security, Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security will not be affected. But all other discretionary government programs will. Let me break that down in English.  Since we took the budget and inflated it to the highest level ever last year, we’re going to freeze it at the super high level! But only part of it.  Like any cash-strapped family, we will work within a budget to invest in what we need and sacrifice what we don’t. And if I have to enforce this discipline by veto, I will. Oh. He’s such a man’s man. Chris Matthews just had a tingle. (Applause.)

We will continue to go through the budget, line by line, page by page, to eliminate programs that we can’t afford and don’t work. We’ve already identified $20 billion in savings for next year. And that was just Nancy Pelosi’s botox bill. To help working families, we’ll extend our middle-class tax cuts. Most people call those the “Bush” tax cuts. But at a time of record deficits, we will not continue tax cuts for oil companies, for investment fund managers, and for those making over $250,000 a year. We just can’t afford it. (Applause.)  And the magic $250,000 number now means that small businesses get hosed, because guess how those get taxed?

Now, even after paying for what we spent on my watch, we’ll still face the massive deficit we had when I took office. You know what, if he pays off just what he’s run up in the last year, and doesn’t even get to what we ran up in the two centuries before that, I’ll be extremely impressed. More importantly, the cost of Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security will continue to skyrocket. That’s why I’ve called for a bipartisan fiscal commission, modeled on a proposal by Republican Judd Gregg and Democrat Kent Conrad. (Applause.) This can’t be one of those Washington gimmicks that lets us pretend we solved a problem. Oh, no, baby, I’ve cheated on you a hundred times, but if you take me back, this time’ll be different. I promise. The commission will have to provide a specific set of solutions by a certain deadline.

Now, yesterday, the Senate blocked a bill that would have created this commission. So I’ll issue an executive order that will allow us to go forward, because I refuse to pass this problem on to another generation of Americans. Wait a second. I thought he was supposed to be a great leader, and with super majorities in the house and senate he can’t set up a commission without an executive order? (Applause.) And when the vote comes tomorrow, the Senate should restore the pay-as-you-go law that was a big reason for why we had record surpluses in the 1990s. (Applause.)  No idea on that one, but at this point, if Obama told me the sun would rise in the East tomorrow, I’d still go out and check.

Now, I know that some in my own party will argue that we can’t address the deficit or freeze government spending when so many are still hurting. Don’t worry leftys, we’ll still spend like drunken sailors! And I agree — which is why this freeze won’t take effect until next year — (laughter) — when the economy is stronger. That’s how budgeting works. No. It isn’t. God, you are so stupid! Accountants everywhere are crying. (Laughter and applause.) But understand — understand if we don’t take meaningful steps to rein in our debt, it could damage our markets, increase the cost of borrowing, and jeopardize our recovery — all of which would have an even worse effect on our job growth and family incomes. As if the freeze is meaningful…

From some on the right, I expect we’ll hear a different argument — that if we just make fewer investments in our people code for wasteful social programs, extend tax cuts including those for the wealthier Americans also known as the ones that create jobs, eliminate more regulations those pesky things that make it so that we’re non-competitive, maintain the status quo on health care as opposed to sodomizing it with a giant octopus, our deficits will go away. The problem is that’s what we did for eight years. (Applause.) That’s what helped us into this crisis. It’s what helped lead to these deficits. We can’t do it again. Hey, Barack, did your Harvard education ever go over what was called a Strawman argument?

Rather than fight the same tired battles that have dominated Washington for decades, it’s time to try something new. Marxism? Let’s invest in our people without leaving them a mountain of debt. Let’s meet our responsibility to the citizens who sent us here. Let’s try common sense. (Laughter.) A novel concept.

Where the hell does the guy who throws around money like Michael Jackson at the Venetian get off lecturing us on common sense?

To do that, we have to recognize that we face more than a deficit of dollars right now. We face a deficit of trust — deep and corrosive doubts about how Washington works that have been growing for years. Growing for years. Launched into hyperspace since last November. To close that credibility gap we have to take action on both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue — to end the outsized influence of lobbyists; said the man who’s hired more former lobbyists to his staff than any other president and who’s most common visitors are union heads to do our work openly; like all those closed door healthcare meetings to give our people the government they deserve. (Applause.)

That’s what I came to Washington to do. That’s why — for the first time in history — my administration posts on our White House visitors online. Thank goodness Al Gore invented that thing! That’s why we’ve excluded lobbyists from policymaking jobs, or seats on federal boards and commissions. Flat out LIE.

But we can’t stop there. It’s time to require lobbyists to disclose each contact they make on behalf of a client with my administration or with Congress. It’s time to put strict limits on the contributions that lobbyists give to candidates for federal office. How much you want to be that unions aren’t going to count?

With all due deference to separation of powers, last week the Supreme Court reversed a century of law LIE that I believe will open the floodgates for special interests — including foreign corporations — to spend without limit in our elections. LIE. (Applause.) I don’t think American elections should be bankrolled by America’s most powerful interests, like the unions or worse, by foreign entities. unless it is George Soros. (Applause.) They should be decided by the American people. And I’d urge Democrats and Republicans to pass a bill that helps to correct some of these problems.

Even the Supreme Court Justices who were there were shocked by the blatant falseness of that claim.  McCain-Feingold dated back to 2002, which I guess is nearly a century of law, and foreign corporations are still prohibited by a different law that dates back to 1947.  In reality, all the Supremes said was that you can’t prohibit corporations from having free speech rights because in today’s modern media, the only way individual Americans can afford to have airtime is if they band together in corporations. 

I’m also calling on Congress to continue down the path of earmark reform. So after passing the stimulus, which was nothing but earmarks, you have the audacity to say that? Applause.) Democrats and Republicans. (Applause.) Democrats and Republicans. You’ve trimmed some of this spending, you’ve embraced some meaningful change. I hate that word so much now. But restoring the public trust demands more. For example, some members of Congress post some earmark requests online. (Applause.) Tonight, I’m calling on Congress to publish all earmark requests on a single Web site before there’s a vote, so that the American people can see how their money is being spent. (Applause.) So is that call for transparency going to go exactly like all the other promises that went right out the window after the election?

Of course, none of these reforms will even happen if we don’t also reform how we work with one another. Now, I’m not naïve. I never thought that the mere fact of my election would usher in peace and harmony — (laughter) — and some post-partisan era. Except he said that tons of times during the campaign. I knew that both parties have fed divisions that are deeply entrenched. Wait, which party was it that locked the other side out of the room during healthcare? And on some issues, there are simply philosophical differences that will always cause us to part ways. Because you are a socialist, and socialism goes with America like salt and snails. These disagreements, about the role of government in our lives, about our national priorities and our national security, they’ve been taking place for over 200 years. They’re the very essence of our democracy. Until he finds a way to destroy it.

But what frustrates the American people is a Washington where every day is Election Day. Says the guy who is only comfortable in permanent campaign mode. We can’t wage a perpetual campaign hey look, Michelle is on Iron Chef! where the only goal is to see who can get the most embarrassing headlines about the other side — a belief that if you lose, I win. When you lose, America wins. Neither party should delay or obstruct every single bill just because they can. Hey, how did Obama vote when Bush was trying to get those federal judges confirmed? The confirmation of — (applause) — I’m speaking to both parties now. The confirmation of well-qualified public servants shouldn’t be held hostage to the pet projects or grudges of a few individual senators. (Applause.)  Yes, if you hold up the confirmation of somebody who is an avowed communist, fisting-proponent for fourteen year olds, tax-cheat, union thug, Mao fan, or eugenics lunatic, then it must be because you just have a partisan grudge.

Washington may think that saying anything about the other side, no matter how false, no matter how malicious, is just part of the game. Returning vets are the greatest threat to homeland security, don’cha know? Tea Part—baggers are racists who threaten violence. But it’s precisely such politics that has stopped either party from helping the American people. Worse yet, it’s sowing further division among our citizens, further distrust in our government. Trust must be EARNED.

So, no, I will not give up on trying to change the tone of our politics. It is Bush’s fault. I know it’s an election year. And after last week, it’s clear that campaign fever has come even earlier than usual. Now, see, here there should have been (Applause) But we still need to govern.

To Democrats, I would remind you that we still have the largest majority in decades, and the people expect us to solve problems, not run for the hills. Pansies (Applause.) And if the Republican leadership is going to insist that 60 votes in the Senate are required to do any business at all in this town — a supermajority — then the responsibility to govern is now yours as well. Just ask yourself how incredibly lame the law must be if the democrats can’t get Olympia Snow or Lindsay Graham to switch? (Applause.) Just saying no to everything may be good short-term politics, but it’s not leadership. Saying No to something wrong never goes out of style. We were sent here to serve our citizens, not our ambitions. How big is Nancy Pelosi’s tax-payer funded jet again? (Applause.) So let’s show the American people that we can do it together. (Applause.)

Go screw yourself.

This week, I’ll be addressing a meeting of the House Republicans. I’d like to begin monthly meetings with both Democratic and Republican leadership. I know you can’t wait. (Laughter.) That should be (nervous laughter)

Throughout our history, no issue has united this country more than our security. Sadly, some of the unity we felt after 9/11 has dissipated. Bush’s fault. We can argue all we want about who’s to blame for this, Bush but I’m not interested in re-litigating the past, which is why I’ve only done it four times so far tonight. I know that all of us love this country. All of us are committed to it defense-attorneys’ for terrorist. So let’s put aside the schoolyard taunts about who’s tough. It sure as hell isn’t the guy who is bowing. Let’s reject the false choice between protecting our people and upholding our values. Let’s leave behind the fear and division, I’ll admit, I’m certainly afraid of socialism! and do what it takes to defend our nation and forge a more hopeful future — for America and for the world. (Applause.)

That’s the work we began last year. Since the day I took office, we’ve renewed our focus on the terrorists who threaten our nation. Really? Say what you will about Bush, and yes, he sucked, but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t exactly a slacker in the Killing Terrorists department. We’ve made substantial investments in our homeland security and random Dutchmen disrupted plots that threatened to take American lives. We are filling unacceptable gaps revealed by the failed Christmas attack, with better airline security and swifter action on our intelligence. We’ve prohibited torture oh good, because that was keeping me up at nights… and strengthened partnerships from the Pacific to South Asia to the Arabian Peninsula. And in the last year, hundreds of al Qaeda’s fighters and affiliates, including many senior leaders, have been captured or killed — far more than in 2008. Bush’s fault.

And in Afghanistan, we’re increasing our troops and training Afghan security forces so they can begin to take the lead in July of 2011, and our troops can begin to come home. World peace has officially been put on the calendar! (Applause.) We will reward good governance, work to reduce corruption, and support the rights of all Afghans — men and women and goat alike. (Applause.) We’re joined by allies and partners who have increased their own commitments, and who will come together tomorrow in London to reaffirm our common purpose. There will be difficult days ahead. But I am absolutely confident we will succeed. Nothing says confidence like publically telling the enemy when you’re pulling out.

As we take the fight to al Qaeda, we are responsibly leaving Iraq to its people. As a candidate, I promised that I would end this war, and that is what I am doing as President. We will have all of our combat troops out of Iraq by the end of this August. And I’ll believe it when I see it. (Applause.) We will support the Iraqi government — we will support the Iraqi government as they hold elections, and we will continue to partner with the Iraqi people to promote regional peace and prosperity. But make no mistake: This war is ending, and all of our troops are coming home. (Applause.)  

Tonight, all of our men and women in uniform — in Iraq, in Afghanistan, and around the world — they have to know that we — that they have our respect, our gratitude, our full support and the watchful eye of Janet Napolitano on them. And just as they must have the resources they need in war, we all have a responsibility to support them when they come home. (Applause.) That’s why we made the largest increase in investments for veterans in decades — last year. (Applause.) That’s why we’re building a 21st century VA, after we failed in our attempt to tax their benefits. And that’s why Michelle has joined with Jill Biden to forge a national commitment to support military families and obese children. (Applause.)

Now, even as we prosecute two wars, we’re also confronting perhaps the greatest danger to the American people — the threat of nuclear weapons. I’ve embraced the vision of John F. Kennedy and Ronald Reagan really? He went there? through a strategy that reverses the spread of these weapons and seeks a world without them. Yeah… that sounds just like Reagan. To reduce our stockpiles and launchers, while ensuring our deterrent, the United States and Russia are completing negotiations on the farthest-reaching arms control treaty in nearly two decades. Putin is so excited he strangled a bear with his bare hands. (Applause.) And at April’s Nuclear Security Summit, we will bring 44 nations together here in Washington, D.C. behind a clear goal: securing all vulnerable nuclear materials around the world in four years, so that they never fall into the hands of terrorists. I’m sure Iran thought this part was friggin’ hilarious.(Applause.)

Here comes some feel good pablum. (Applause.) . (Applause.). (Applause.) Always. (Applause.) I got up and went to the bathroom.

Okay, I’m back. Where where we?  My administration has a Civil Rights Division that is once again prosecuting civil rights violations and employment discrimination. Oh, this is the part where he lists all his accomplishments and tries to not look like a complete failure. (Applause.) We finally strengthened our laws to protect against crimes driven by hate. Because you don’t really tend to murder people you like. (Applause.) This year, I will work with Congress and our military to finally repeal the law that denies gay Americans the right to serve the country they love because of who they are. What is this, 1993? I guess he’s throwing a bone to the HuffPo and Moveon.orgers who’ve been just as shortchanged by his pathetic presidency as the rest of us (Applause.) It’s the right thing to do. (Applause.)

Fire up the Way Back Machine, kids. We’re going to crack down on violations of equal pay laws — so that women get equal pay for an equal day’s work. We went from 1993 to 1964? (Applause.) And we should continue the work of fixing our broken immigration system — to secure our borders how’s that fence coming? and enforce our laws, and ensure that everyone who plays by the rules can contribute to our economy and enrich our nation. (Applause.)

That’s it? That’s the accomplishments portion? 

This next paragraph was the idealistic bombast to signal the end. I pulled out the fluff for you.  ideals,  values  — values  immigrants values  responsibilities  families  lend a hand give back pride labor generous values values  values values. values.  Wow.  Didn’t they have thesauruses at Harvard?

Unfortunately, too many of our citizens have lost faith that our biggest institutions — our corporations, welfare for anybody who can afford a lobbyist, our media a bunch of shills and propaganda whores who couldn’t tell the truth if their lives depended on it, and, yes, our government YA THINK!— still reflect these same values. No. Frankly, they don’t.  Each of these institutions are full of honorable men and women doing important work that helps our country prosper. Yes. The New York Times and NBC are just chock full of people with “values” and they always tell the truth and help kittens out of trees But each time a CEO rewards himself for failure, or a banker puts the rest of us at risk for his own selfish gain, people’s doubts grow. Each time lobbyists game the system or politicians tear each other down instead of lifting this country up, we lose faith. We don’t lose faith because you’re uncivil to each other, we lose faith because you’re a bunch of liars and thieves. The more that FOX TV pundits reduce serious debates to silly arguments, big issues into sound bites, our citizens turn away.  

Okay… so the news (i.e. Glenn Beck, because all those other networks are straight shooters) is guilty of reducing big issues into sound bites by having hour long specials explaining how T Bills work, but Mr. Yes-We-Can-Hope-&-Change-Fired-Up-Ready-To-Go can explain away 2,000 pages of dense legal jargon into a sentence about how wouldn’t it be nifty if people with preexisting conditions could get healthcare. Gotcha.

No wonder there’s so much cynicism out there. No wonder there’s so much disappointment. Yes. I’m shocked.

I campaigned on the promise of change — change we can believe in, the slogan went. And right now, I know there are many Americans who aren’t sure if they still believe we can change — or that I can deliver it.  I pray to God every night that can can’t.

But remember this — I never suggested that change would be easy, or that I could do it alone, I need George Soros and Saul Alinsky. Democracy in a nation of 300 million people can be noisy and messy and complicated. If only all those lower caste red staters would just shut up and listen! And when you try to do big things and make big changes, it stirs passions and controversy. That’s just how it is.

Those of us in public office can respond to this reality by playing it safe and avoid telling hard truths and pointing fingers. We can do what’s necessary to keep our poll numbers high, and get through the next election instead of doing what’s best for the next generation. News flash. Your poll numbers haven’t slipped because you’re so brave and courageous.  They’ve slipped because you’re the Boy Band of Politics. You’ve got no real talent, but you look pretty, and are pretty much fabrication of media over-saturation. And now, like all boy bands, the luster has worn off and the people are starting to hate you. 

But I also know this: If people had made that decision 50 years ago (when the Reptoids invaded), or 100 years ago (the 1910 Oyster Rebellion), or 200 years ago (the great sponge shortage), we wouldn’t be here tonight. The only reason we are here is because generations of Americans were unafraid to do what was hard; like stand up against healthcare to do what was needed even when success was uncertain like voting for Scott Brown; to do what it took to keep the dream of this nation alive for their children and their grandchildren like voting Obama the hell out of office.

Our administration has had some political setbacks this year, that is like saying that the big rock that fell out of space 65 million years ago was a “setback” for the dinosaurs and some of them were deserved. But I wake up every day knowing that they are nothing compared to the setbacks that families all across this country have faced this year. The greatest setback I had this year was when I woke up January 1st and said, “damn it, we elected a *&%^ing Marxist  And what keeps me going — what keeps me fighting if you can refer to limp wristed flailing as “fighting”— is that despite all these setbacks, that spirit of determination and optimism, that fundamental decency that has always been at the core of the American people, that lives on.

It lives on in the struggling small business owner who wrote to me of his company, “None of us,” he said, “…are willing to consider, even slightly, that we might fail because I can afford a legion of lobbyists and play golf with Timmy Geitner.”  – Chairman of Bear Sterns

It lives on in the woman who said that even though she and her neighbors have felt the pain of recession, “We are strong. We are resilient. We are American.” Which is awesome, unless that was on a sign at a Tea Party, because then she is a racist hatemonger.

It lives on in the 8-year-old boy in Louisiana, who just sent me his allowance and asked if I would give it to the people of Haiti. ­He said that while the Marines were there, then they might as well install a decent government for those poor folks.

And it lives on in all the Americans who’ve dropped everything to go someplace they’ve never been and pull people they’ve never known from the rubble, prompting chants of “U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A!” when another life was saved. Michelle Obama said that it was the 2nd time she’s been proud to be an American. Briefly.   

The spirit that has sustained this nation for more than two centuries lives on in you, its people. We have finished a difficult year. We have come through a difficult decade. But a new year has come. A new decade stretches before us, I figure I can stretch this recession through at least half of it through meddling, FDR style. We don’t quit. I don’t quit. A man can dream, can’t he? (Applause.) Let’s seize this moment — to start anew, to carry the dream forward, and to strengthen our union once more. (Applause.)

Thank you everyone on the left side of the room. God bless you except for the Supreme Court. And God bless the United States of America. (Applause.)


Puppies and Rainbows and Healthcare for Everyone! YAY! Barack Obama saved Christmas!

I actually listened to this whole thing on my drive home last night.  Several times I had to yell at the radio.  I remember most of what I shouted, right up to the point where I had a massive aneurism from all of the nonsense and drove off the road into a ditch. When I woke up I figured I would share it here, with you, my gentle readers. My MST3K style running commentary has been placed in bold.  There was plenty of time to comment, because Obama does that obnoxious say 3 words pause-say 4 words pause-say 3 words pause- thing while he talks.
Ladies and gentlemen of Monster Hunter Nation, I give you:
THE PRESIDENT:  Madam Speaker, Vice President Biden, members of Congress, and the American people:
When I spoke here last winter, this nation was facing the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression. Another economic crisis exacerbated by socialists.  We were losing an average of 700,000 jobs per month. But he saved 2 million, per month, by taking your money and spending it on bulletrains to Disneyland.  Credit was frozen.  People might have to live within their means! And our financial system was on the verge of collapse.  Was?
As any American who is still looking for work or a way to pay their bills will tell you, we are by no means out of the woods.  Pimpin’ ain’t easy. A full and vibrant recovery is still many months away. Months huh? Just wait until the dollar collapses because of out of control spending. You ain’t seen nothing yet.   And I will not let up until those Americans who seek jobs can find them — (applause) — until those businesses that seek capital and credit can thrive; until all responsible homeowners can stay in their homes.  The responsible homeowners aren’t the ones that had ARMs. That is our ultimate goal. Oh, I thought your goal was social justice and income redistribution.  But thanks to the bold and decisive action we’ve taken since January, I can stand here with confidence and say that we have pulled this economy back from the brink.  (Applause.)
Uhm… the economy still sucks. Just like FDR, Obama’s big government meddling will cause an economic downturn to turn into a massive multi-year boondoggle. I’ve called him FDR 2 before, but in the spirit of Van Jones and Rev. Wright, I’m going to start calling him Franklin Delano X. 
I want to thank the members of this body for your efforts and your support in these last several months, and especially those who’ve taken the difficult votes that have put us on a path to recovery.  Harry Reid, I hope you love that train, baby! Woot!  I also want to thank the American people for their patience and resolve during this trying time for our nation.  Patience? I don’t know about you guys, but I’m fresh out.
But we did not come here just to clean up crises.  It is all Bush’s fault!!!!! We came here to build a future.  (Applause.)  Hey, on building stuff, how’s that fence coming along? So tonight, I return to speak to all of you about an issue that is central to that future — and that is the issue of health care. 
I am not the first President to take up this cause, but I am determined to be the last.  (Applause.) What? Last president that talks about health care or the last president period?   It has now been nearly a century since Theodore Roosevelt first called for health care reform.  Because it was EXACTLY the same in 1901 when people were dying of the vapors and you could can stuff in lead. And ever since, nearly every President and Congress, whether Democrat or Republican, has attempted to meet this challenge in some way.  Dems by making government bigger, repubs by making government bigger.  Yay! A bill for comprehensive health reform was first introduced by John Dingell Sr. in 1943.  Sixty-five years later, his son continues to introduce that same bill at the beginning of each session.  (Applause.) 
Our collective failure to meet this challenge — year after year, decade after decade — has led us to the breaking point.  I don’t know about you guys, but 85% of us seem to be doing okay, and we’ve got the best medical care in the world. Everyone understands the extraordinary hardships that are placed on the uninsured, who live every day just one accident or illness away from bankruptcy.  Bummer. We better make sure we shaft the 85% that are doing okay though. These are not primarily people on welfare.  These are middle-class Americans.  Some can’t get insurance on the job.  Go buy your own. Others are self-employed, Like I was for years. and can’t afford it, since buying insurance on your own costs you three times as much as the coverage you get from your employer.  I call bullshit.  I paid for insurance out of my pocket for me and 4 dependants for about what most people pay for cell phones, slurpees, and weekend movie tickets. Many other Americans who are willing and able to pay are still denied insurance due to previous illnesses or conditions that insurance companies decide are too risky or too expensive to cover.  That is a bummer. I know, let’s just address that instead of tacking on another 1,000 pages of socialist crap.
We are the only democracy — the only advanced democracy on Earth — the only wealthy nation — that allows such hardship for millions of its people.  The other ones have government sponsored hardship. Like England. There are now more than 30 million American citizens who cannot get coverage.  In just a two-year period, one in every three Americans goes without health care coverage at some point.  And every day, 14,000 Americans lose their coverage.  In other words, it can happen to anyone.  And in the words of Mark Twain, there are lies, damn lies, and statistics.  Every second 70,000 Americans lose their health insurance and are devoured by a carnivorous walrus named Stan.
But the problem that plagues the health care system is not just a problem for the uninsured.  Oh? Those who do have insurance have never had less security and stability than they do today.   Really?  So like back when people were dying of plague, we’re worse off now becaue I’ve got a $500 deductible? More and more Americans worry that if you move, lose your job, or change your job, you’ll lose your health insurance too. Hey, I think that is the list from the actual bill of reasons you would get moved to the “public option”.  More and more Americans pay their premiums, only to discover that their insurance company has dropped their coverage when they get sick, or won’t pay the full cost of care.  It happens every day.  Yep. Maybe we should address that one point with a law that is, I don’t know, say five pages?
One man from Illinois lost his coverage in the middle of chemotherapy because his insurer found that he hadn’t reported gallstones that he didn’t even know about.  Then he too was devoured by a walrus. They delayed his treatment, and he died because of it.  Another woman from Texas was about to get a double mastectomy when her insurance company canceled her policy because she forgot to declare a case of acne.  By the time she had her insurance reinstated, her breast cancer had more than doubled in size.  That is heart-breaking, it is wrong, and no one should be treated that way in the United States of America.  (Applause.)  Yep. If we actually allowed real competition, then shitty companies like that would go out of business.
Then there’s the problem of rising cost.  We spend one and a half times more per person on health care than any other country, but we aren’t any healthier for it.  BULL.  Pull out the problems caused because we eat too much because we’re rich and we’ve got by far the best medical system on earth.  Other people eating too many Ho-Hos is not a reason to turn into England. This is one of the reasons that insurance premiums have gone up three times faster than wages.  It’s why so many employers — especially small businesses — are forcing their employees to pay more for insurance, or are dropping their coverage entirely.  Oh, I thought it was because small businesses were collapsing because of your crappy economy and the fact we still have to pay taxes and increasing regulatory fees. It’s why so many aspiring entrepreneurs cannot afford to open a business in the first place, Says the man who has so much entrepreneurial experience. and why American businesses that compete internationally — like our automakers — are at a huge disadvantage.  Well, I thought that was because we had unions… Don’t all the foreign automakers pay health insurance in their US factories.  Yeah, I guess they do. But they don’t have union mandated $60 an hour for the guy who sweeps the floor. And it’s why those of us with health insurance are also paying a hidden and growing tax for those without it — about $1,000 per year that pays for somebody else’s emergency room and charitable care. 
Finally, our health care system is placing an unsustainable burden on taxpayers.  Like you’ve got  a flippin’ clue about unsustainable. When health care costs grow at the rate they have, it puts greater pressure on programs like Medicare and Medicaid.  Which were also a stupid idea. If we do nothing to slow these skyrocketing costs, we will eventually be spending more on Medicare and Medicaid than every other government program combined.  Like I said. Put simply, our health care problem is our deficit problem.  Nothing else even comes close.  Nothing else.  (Applause.)
Now, these are the facts.  Nobody disputes them.  You must not get out much. We know we must reform this system.  The question is how. 
Let’s see… government screwed it up. So the answer must be more government!
There are those on the left who believe that the only way to fix the system is through a single-payer system like Canada’s — (applause by idiots) — where we would severely restrict the private insurance market and have the government provide coverage for everybody.  On the right, there are those who argue that we should end employer-based systems and leave individuals to buy health insurance on their own. Hooray!  Just think, I might actually know more about my needs than my employer or the government?  Oh, wait, he was being sarcastic.
I’ve said — I have to say that there are arguments to be made for both these approaches.  But either one would represent a radical shift that would disrupt the health care most people currently have.  Since health care represents one-sixth of our economy, I believe it makes more sense to build on what works and fix what doesn’t, rather than try to build an entirely new system from scratch.  (Applause.)  And that is precisely what those of you in Congress have tried to do over the past several months.  Uhm… No it didn’t.  Read the f’ing bill. Actually read the bill.  It was filled with big changes. I will be returning to this point.
During that time, we’ve seen Washington at its best and at its worst.  I don’t think we’ve seen Washington at its best since the British burned it to the ground. 
We’ve seen many in this chamber work tirelessly for the better part of this year to offer thoughtful ideas about how to achieve reform.  Of the five committees asked to develop bills, four have completed their work, and the Senate Finance Committee announced today that it will move forward next week.  That has never happened before.  Our overall efforts have been supported by an unprecedented coalition of doctors and nurses; A cherry picked group, ask every doctor you know. hospitals, Same seniors’ groups, AARP management is a bunch of quisling sellouts. and even drug companies Bribed— many of whom opposed reform in the past.  Bribes and threats go a long way! And there is agreement in this chamber on about 80 percent of what needs to be done, putting us closer to the goal of reform than we have ever been. 
But what we’ve also seen in these last months is the same partisan spectacle that only hardens the disdain many Americans have towards their own government.  Disdain? I prefer the word hatred. Instead of honest debate, we’ve seen scare tactics.  Like reading the bill. Some have dug into unyielding ideological camps that offer no hope of compromise.  Too many have used this as an opportunity to score short-term political points, even if it robs the country of our opportunity to solve a long-term challenge.  And out of this blizzard of charges and counter-charges, confusion has reigned. In Washington, I’m shocked!
Well, the time for bickering is over.  As soon as you quit this nonsense and leave us alone. The time for games has passed.  (Applause.)  Now is the season for action.  Now is when we must bring the best ideas of both parties together, and show the American people that we can still do what we were sent here to do.  Now is the time to deliver on health care.  Now is the time to deliver on health care.   Code for pass this 1,000 page monstrosity or I won’t get reelected!
The plan I’m announcing tonight would meet three basic goals.  It will provide more security and stability to those who have health insurance.  It will provide insurance for those who don’t.  And it will slow the growth of health care costs for our families, our businesses, and our government.  (Applause.)  Sounds good. If you disagree you must hate kittens. It’s a plan that asks everyone to take responsibility for meeting this challenge — not just government, not just insurance companies, but everybody including employers and individuals. How about we remove the first part of that and just let it be individuals.  And it’s a plan that incorporates ideas from senators and congressmen, from Democrats and Republicans — and yes, from some of my opponents in both the primary and general election.   That ain’t saying much.
Here are the details that every American needs to know about this plan.  First, if you are among the hundreds of millions of Americans who already have health insurance through your job, or Medicare, or Medicaid, or the VA, nothing in this plan will require you or your employer to change the coverage or the doctor you have.  (Applause.)  Let me repeat this:  Nothing in our plan requires you to change what you have.  Except for right in the bill, where it penalizes employers with a tax if they don’t switch, and every time you have a life change you have to switch, or you have to pay epic penalites.
What this plan will do is make the insurance you have work better for you.  Under this plan, it will be against the law for insurance companies to deny you coverage because of a preexisting condition.  (Applause.)  As soon as I sign this bill, it will be against the law for insurance companies to drop your coverage when you get sick or water it down when you need it the most.  (Applause.)  They will no longer be able to place some arbitrary cap on the amount of coverage you can receive in a given year or in a lifetime.  (Applause.)  We will place a limit on how much you can be charged for out-of-pocket expenses, because in the United States of America, no one should go broke because they get sick.  (Applause.)  And insurance companies will be required to cover, with no extra charge, routine checkups and preventive care, like mammograms and colonoscopies — (applause) — because there’s no reason we shouldn’t be catching diseases like breast cancer and colon cancer before they get worse.  That makes sense, it saves money, and it saves lives.  (Applause.)
Wow. That all sounds great.  I’d have to be a real dick to disagree with any of this… except I’m not sure which bill he’s actually reading, because it sure as hell isn’t in this one that we’re currently reading.
Now, that’s what Americans who have health insurance can expect from this plan — more security and more stability.  Wow. Because the government has such a good track record.
Now, if you’re one of the tens of millions of Americans who don’t currently have health insurance, the second part of this plan will finally offer you quality, affordable choices.  (Applause.)  If you lose your job or you change your job, you’ll be able to get coverage.  Buy it. If you strike out on your own and start a small business, you’ll be able to get coverage.  Buy it. I did. I didn’t ask everybody else to buy it for me. We’ll do this by creating a new insurance exchange — a marketplace where individuals and small businesses will be able to shop for health insurance at competitive prices.  Insurance companies will have an incentive to participate in this exchange because it lets them compete for millions of new customers.  As one big group, these customers will have greater leverage to bargain with the insurance companies for better prices and quality coverage.  This is how large companies and government employees get affordable insurance.  It’s how everyone in this Congress gets affordable insurance.  And it’s time to give every American the same opportunity that we give ourselves.  (Applause.) 
I’m actually in favor of competition. Why do I have a sneaky suspicion though that his idea of competition and mine will diverge slightly?
Now, for those individuals and small businesses who still can’t afford the lower-priced insurance available in the exchange, we’ll provide tax credits, the size of which will be based on your need.  I love paying for people who make bad financial choices! And all insurance companies that want access to this new marketplace will have to abide by the consumer protections I already mentioned.  This exchange will take effect in four years, which will give us time to do it right.  We could give you until doomsday and I doubt the government would get it right.  In the meantime, for those Americans who can’t get insurance today because they have preexisting medical conditions, we will immediately offer low-cost coverage that will protect you against financial ruin if you become seriously ill.  (Applause.)  This was a good idea when Senator John McCain proposed it in the campaign, it’s a good idea now, and we should all embrace it.  (Applause.) Why did we ever run that toadstool to begin with?  Oh wait, it was because all the democrats turned out and voted in our Florida primary! Thanks Florida!
Now, even if we provide these affordable options, there may be those — especially the young and the healthy — who still want to take the risk and go without coverage.  That should be their right to be cheap and stupid. There may still be companies that refuse to do right by their workers by giving them coverage.  Time to get a better job! The problem is, such irresponsible behavior costs all the rest of us money.  Why should it? If the government wasn’t involved in health care to begin with this would not be my problem. If there are affordable options and people still don’t sign up for health insurance, it means we pay for these people’s expensive emergency room visits.  If some businesses don’t provide workers health care, it forces the rest of us to pick up the tab when their workers get sick, and gives those businesses an unfair advantage over their competitors.  And unless everybody does their part, many of the insurance reforms we seek — especially requiring insurance companies to cover preexisting conditions — just can’t be achieved.   How about the government gets out entirely, there is real competition, which would give us cheap coverage, and if somebody is a dumbass and doesn’t get cheap coverage,  it isn’t my problem, so you don’t have to rape the entire country to death to protect a few million dumbasses?  Naw. That’s crazy talk.
And that’s why under my plan, individuals will be required to carry basic health insurance — just as most states require you to carry auto insurance.  Except that is only if I drive… Bad analogy. (Applause.)  Likewise — likewise, businesses will be required to either offer their workers health care, or chip in to help cover the cost of their workers.  Chip in = Code for anally rape you with a garden weasel. There will be a hardship waiver for those individuals who still can’t afford coverage, and 95 percent of all small businesses, because of their size and narrow profit margin, would be exempt from these requirements.  Suuuurreee… (Applause.)  But we can’t have large businesses and individuals who can afford coverage game the system by avoiding responsibility to themselves or their employees.  Improving our health care system only works if everybody does their part.  Maybe it is just my libertarian streak coming out, but I don’t like when people tell me I have to do my part.  And I’m usually the kind of guy who volunteers for crap like that, still doesn’t mean I like statists telling me I have to do it.
And while there remain some significant details to be ironed out, I believe — (laughter) — Significant Details = Code for how can we get away with this shit?  I believe a broad consensus exists for the aspects of the plan I just outlined:  consumer protections for those with insurance, an exchange that allows individuals and small businesses to purchase affordable coverage, and a requirement that people who can afford insurance get insurance. And puppies, and magic unicorns, and koalas that will crap rainbows of gumdrops right into your mouth!
And I have no doubt that these reforms would greatly benefit Americans from all walks of life, as well as the economy as a whole. Just like all our other programs, that saved two million jobs a day!  Still, given all the misinformation that’s been spread over the past few months, Snort! I realize — (applause) — I realize that many Americans have grown nervous about reform.  Nah, millions of us have been going to tea parties and town hall meetings for kicks. So tonight I want to address some of the key controversies that are still out there. 
Some of people’s concerns have grown out of bogus claims spread by those whose only agenda is to kill reform at any cost.  The best example is the claim made not just by radio and cable talk show hosts, Curse you Rush Limbaugh CURSE YOOOUUUU!!!!! (president pauses to shake his fist in the air) but by prominent politicians, that we plan to set up panels of bureaucrats with the power to kill off senior citizens.  Now, such a charge would be laughable if it weren’t so cynical and irresponsible.  It is a lie, plain and simple.  (Applause.)  So laughable, except that the actual bill (not the magic puppy dog unicorn bill that only Obama has read apparently) but the actual bill in congress, had panels of bureaucrats who would go over the availability of procedures vs. cost and patient analysis.  And his healthcare advisor, Zeke Emmanuel thinks that this is an awesome idea.  And I’m not making that up.
There are also those who claim that our reform efforts would insure illegal immigrants.  This, too, is false.  The reforms — the reforms I’m proposing would not apply to those who are here illegally. Once again, there is no proof of citizenship required anywhere in the bill, and amendments to require citizenship have been submitted–
AUDIENCE MEMBER:  You lie!  (Boos.) –by guys like this.
Oh, and yes, it was uncouth for Wilson to jeer the president, but in the 1850s-60s we had fist fights and congressmen getting dragged out on their asses.  So keep pushing the country further and further from freedom, and watch to see how angry Americans can get…
THE PRESIDENT:  It’s not true.  And one more misunderstanding I want to clear up — under our plan, no federal dollars will be used to fund abortions, and federal conscience laws will remain in place.  (Applause.)  Except for in 2 versions of the bill abortions were covered under the public option, and people who disagreed still got to pay taxes to support them. 
Now, my health care proposal has also been attacked by some who oppose reform as a “government takeover” of the entire health care system.  As proof, critics point to a provision in our plan that allows the uninsured and small businesses to choose a publicly sponsored insurance option, administered by the government just like Medicaid or Medicare.  (Applause.) Does anyone in congress have the gonads to stand up and say, nope, those were bad ideas too? Or once we’ve bribed a segment of the population, we can’t ever go back on that, regardless of how badly the program turns out to work.
So let me set the record straight here.  My guiding principle is, and always has been, that consumers do better when there is choice and competition.  BWA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! That’s how the market works.  (Applause.)  I bet he has a Che tee shirt somewhere in his closet. Unfortunately, in 34 states, 75 percent of the insurance market is controlled by five or fewer companies.  In Alabama, almost 90 percent is controlled by just one company.  Okay, change the laws and allow insurance companies to compete across state boundries.  You should be able to do that in about 5 pages instead of cramming 995 pages down our throats. And without competition, the price of insurance goes up and quality goes down.  And it makes it easier for insurance companies to treat their customers badly — by cherry-picking the healthiest individuals and trying to drop the sickest, by overcharging small businesses who have no leverage, and by jacking up rates.
Insurance executives don’t do this because they’re bad people; they do it because it’s profitable.  As one former insurance executive testified before Congress, insurance companies are not only encouraged to find reasons to drop the seriously ill, they are rewarded for it.  All of this is in service of meeting what this former executive called “Wall Street’s relentless profit expectations.” 5 page bill. Done.
Now, I have no interest in putting insurance companies out of business.  Or the auto industry, or the insurance industry, or banking… Hey, wait a second… They provide a legitimate service, and employ a lot of our friends and neighbors.  I just want to hold them accountable.  Says the guy who’s friends with mad bombers and communists. (Applause.)  And the insurance reforms that I’ve already mentioned would do just that.  But an additional step we can take to keep insurance companies honest is by making a not-for-profit public option available in the insurance exchange.  (Applause.)  Yay! It is like PBS for surgery! Now, let me be clear.  Let me be clear.  It would only be an option for those who don’t have insurance.  Which is all of us in a few years. No one would be forced to choose it, and it would not impact those of you who already have insurance.  In fact, based on Congressional Budget Office estimates, we believe that less than 5 percent of Americans would sign up. I love how he uses CBO numbers for this, but not for the parts where they tell him that it is going to cost like 8 times what he’s saying it will.
Despite all this, the insurance companies and their allies don’t like this idea.  Ya think? They argue that these private companies can’t fairly compete with the government.  And they’d be right if taxpayers were subsidizing this public insurance option.  But they won’t be.  I’ve insisted that like any private insurance company, the public insurance option would have to be self-sufficient and rely on the premiums it collects.  But by avoiding some of the overhead that gets eaten up at private companies by profits and excessive administrative costs and executive salaries, Totally unlike bureacrat salaries and government waste!  it could provide a good deal for consumers, and would also keep pressure on private insurers to keep their policies affordable and treat their customers better, the same way public colleges and universities provide additional choice and competition to students without in any way inhibiting a vibrant system of private colleges and universities.  (Applause.)
Okay, time out! Time out! This thing is going to run efficiently. It will be a government entity, that will run better than any private entity… Does anybody in the world buy that? Has any government program EVER been more efficient than a private one? Can anyone name one?  Seriously…
Now, it is — it’s worth noting that a strong majority of Americans still favor a public insurance option of the sort I’ve proposed tonight.  But its impact shouldn’t be exaggerated — by the left or the right or the media.  It is only one part of my plan, The other part is about koalas and rainbows. and shouldn’t be used as a handy excuse for the usual Washington ideological battles.  To my progressive friends I’m amazed he used the word too, go FDX! , I would remind you that for decades, the driving idea behind reform has been to end insurance company abuses and make coverage available for those without it.  (Applause.)  The public option — the public option is only a means to that end — and we should remain open to other ideas that accomplish our ultimate goal.  And to my Republican friends, We’re not your friends.  I say that rather than making wild claims So wild and crazy… READ THE BILL YOU MORON! about a government takeover of health care, we should work together to address any legitimate concerns you may have.  (Applause.) Legitimate Concerns = Shut your ass up. I’m in charge suckers.
For example — for example, some have suggested that the public option go into effect only in those markets where insurance companies are not providing affordable policies.  Others have proposed a co-op or another non-profit entity to administer the plan.  These are all constructive ideas worth exploring.  But I will not back down on the basic principle that if Americans can’t find affordable coverage, we will provide you with a choice.  (Applause.)  And I will make sure that no government bureaucrat or insurance company bureaucrat gets between you and the care that you need.  (Applause.) Wow. That’s really nice of you, guy who’s hiring a million new bureaucrats!
Finally, let me discuss an issue that is a great concern to me, to members of this chamber, and to the public — and that’s how we pay for this plan.  It hasn’t stopped you before.
And here’s what you need to know.  First, I will not sign a plan that adds one dime to our deficits — either now or in the future.  (Applause.)  I will not sign it if it adds one dime to the deficit, now or in the future, period.  Look! Unicorns! And to prove that I’m serious, there will be a provision in this plan that requires us to come forward with more spending cuts if the savings we promised don’t materialize.  (Applause.)  Now, part of the reason I faced a trillion-dollar deficit when I walked in the door of the White House This lame excuse again?  Yep. It was horrible. So you quadrupeled it in 4 months.  Plus you voted for the 1st stupid stimulas package while you were a senator. So shut the *%$!! up!  is because too many initiatives over the last decade were not paid for — from the Iraq war to tax breaks for the wealthy.  Ooohh… those nasty wealthy people… I hates them… So much… Wait? I’m wealthy? Huh? I don’t make that much… Wait a second! NOOOO! (Applause.)  I will not make that same mistake with health care.  
Second, we’ve estimated that most of this plan can be paid for by finding savings within the existing health care system, a system that is currently full of waste and abuse.  Mostly governmental. Right now, too much of the hard-earned savings and tax dollars we spend on health care don’t make us any healthier.  That’s not my judgment — it’s the judgment of medical professionals across this country.  And this is also true when it comes to Medicare and Medicaid. 
In fact, I want to speak directly to seniors for a moment, because Medicare is another issue that’s been subjected to demagoguery and distortion during the course of this debate. Because it is BROKE!!
More than four decades ago, this nation stood up for the principle that after a lifetime of hard work, our seniors should not be left to struggle with a pile of medical bills in their later years.  That’s how Medicare was born.  And it remains a sacred trust that must be passed down from one generation to the next.  (Applause.)  And that is why not a dollar of the Medicare trust fund will be used to pay for this plan.  (Applause.)  Like this plan, Medicare sounded good at the time, and has since grown into a bloated, inefficient, boondoggle. But don’t worry, this time will be different.
The only thing this plan would eliminate is the hundreds of billions of dollars in waste and fraud, as well as unwarranted subsidies in Medicare that go to insurance companies — subsidies that do everything to pad their profits but don’t improve the care of seniors.  And we will also create an independent commission of doctors and medical experts charged with identifying more waste in the years ahead.  (Applause.)    You know, this is like the proverbial trailer park wife, who gets beaten, but then comes back, because this time it will be different. He’s changed. You don’t understand.
Now, these steps will ensure that you — America’s seniors — get the benefits you’ve been promised.  They will ensure that Medicare is there for future generations.  Or until the Chinese won’t lend us anymore money. And we can use some of the savings to fill the gap in coverage that forces too many seniors to pay thousands of dollars a year out of their own pockets for prescription drugs.  (Applause.) George Bush’s other stupid idea.  That’s what this plan will do for you.  So don’t pay attention to those scary stories Scary! about how your benefits will be cut, especially since some of the same folks who are spreading these tall tales Totally false, nothing to see here…  have fought against Medicare in the past and just this year supported a budget that would essentially have turned Medicare into a privatized voucher program.  That will not happen on my watch.  Provided that the Chinese don’t cut us off, because then you’re hosed. I will protect Medicare.  (Applause.)  
Now, because Medicare is such a big part of the health care system, making the program more efficient can help usher in changes in the way we deliver health care that can reduce costs for everybody.  We have long known that some places — like the Intermountain Healthcare in Utah Leave us out of it! or the Geisinger Health System in rural Pennsylvania — Ironically both red areas of that election map… offer high-quality care at costs below average.  So the commission can help encourage the adoption of these common-sense best practices by doctors and medical professionals throughout the system — everything from reducing hospital infection rates to encouraging better coordination between teams of doctors.  Not only will this program put a chicken in every pot, the government is going to make it so that doctors don’t infect you as much.  Man, is there anything Obama CAN’T do? He’s like Jesus AND Superman!
Reducing the waste and inefficiency in Medicare and Medicaid will pay for most of this plan.  (Applause.)  One government program is so screwed up, that just its fraud and abuse can pay for another government program. As an accountant, if I did financial statements like this I would go to JAIL! Now, much of the rest would be paid for with revenues from the very same drug and insurance companies that stand to benefit from tens of millions of new customers.  And this reform will charge insurance companies a fee for their most expensive policies, which will encourage them to provide greater value for the money — an idea which has the support of Democratic and Republican experts.  And according to these same experts, this modest change could help hold down the cost of health care for all of us in the long run. 
Now, finally, many in this chamber — particularly on the Republican side of the aisle — have long insisted that reforming our medical malpractice laws can help bring down the cost of health care.  (Applause.)  Now — there you go.  There you go.  Patronizing asshole. Now, I don’t believe malpractice reform is a silver bullet, but I’ve talked to enough doctors to know that defensive medicine may be contributing to unnecessary costs.  (Applause.)  So I’m proposing that we move forward on a range of ideas about how to put patient safety first and let doctors focus on practicing medicine.  (Applause.)  I know that the Bush administration considered authorizing demonstration projects in individual states to test these ideas.  I think it’s a good idea, and I’m directing my Secretary of Health and Human Services to move forward on this initiative today.  (Applause.) Sucking up to try and get a couple of republicans to vote for this thing. Nice.
Now, add it all up, and the plan I’m proposing will cost around $900 billion over 10 years — less than we have spent on the Iraq and Afghanistan wars, and less than the tax cuts for the wealthiest few Americans that Congress passed at the beginning of the previous administration.  And it will probably kill more people than Iraq too! (Applause.)  Now, most of these costs will be paid for with money already being spent — but spent badly — in the existing health care system.  Come back, Honey, I promise I won’t hit you no more! The plan will not add to our deficit.  The middle class will realize greater security, not higher taxes.  And if we are able to slow the growth of health care costs by just one-tenth of 1 percent each year — one-tenth of 1 percent — it will actually reduce the deficit by $4 trillion over the long term. Math is not his strong suit.
Now, this is the plan I’m proposing.  It’s a plan that incorporates ideas from many of the people in this room tonight — Democrats and Republicans.  And I will continue to seek common ground in the weeks ahead.  Like he has in the past. If you come to me with a serious set of proposals, I will be there to listen.  My door is always open. Unless you are one of those crazy town hall people who just want to be left alone, because you can go to hell, go to hell and DIE!
But know this:  I will not waste time with those who have made the calculation that it’s better politics to kill this plan than to improve it.  (Applause.)  This plan is cancer. I’m not going to infect myself with cancer in the hopes that I can imporove it. I won’t stand by while the special interests use the same old tactics to keep things exactly the way they are.  If you misrepresent what’s in this plan, we will call you out.  But if we call you out for lying, then we’re fear mongering, using scare tactics, or telling tall tales. (Applause.)  And I will not — and I will not accept the status quo as a solution.  Not this time.  Not now.
Everyone in this room knows what will happen if we do nothing.  Our deficit will grow.  More families will go bankrupt.  More businesses will close.  More Americans will lose their coverage when they are sick and need it the most.  Stan the carnivorous walrus will devour your children. And more will die as a result.  We know these things to be true. 
That is why we cannot fail.  Because there are too many Americans counting on us to succeed — the ones who suffer silently, and the ones who shared their stories with us at town halls, cherry picked ones at least.  “Mr. Obama why are there mean people who are stupid and don’t agree with you?” Well little girl, it is because they are misguided.  in e-mails, Like the ones that you were having reported to Flag @whitehouse.gov and in letters.
I received one of those letters a few days ago.  It was from our beloved friend and colleague, Ted Kennedy.  ZOMBIE TED KENNEDY!!!! He had written it back in May, Oh, whew, thank goodness! shortly after he was told that his illness was terminal.  He asked that it be delivered upon his death. 
In it, he spoke about what a happy time his last months were, thanks to the love and support of family hookers, and friends, hookers, his wife, Vicki, his amazing children, hookers, who are all here tonight.  And he expressed confidence that this would be the year that health care reform — “that great unfinished business of our society,” he called it — would finally pass.  He repeated the truth that health care is decisive for our future prosperity, but he also reminded me that “it concerns more than material things.”  “What we face,” he wrote, “is above all a moral issue; at stake are not just the details of policy, but fundamental principles of social justice and the character of our country.”
 It will be a very cold day in hell before I feel the need to have Ted Kennedy teach me about morals and character.
I’ve thought about that phrase quite a bit in recent days — the character of our country.  One of the unique and wonderful things about America has always been our self-reliance, Which you hate. our rugged individualism, Which you don’t like either our fierce defense of freedom Hypocrite. and our healthy skepticism of government.  I hate this guy so very much. And figuring out the appropriate size and role of government has always been a source of rigorous and, yes, sometimes angry debate.  Yes, like at Bull Run and Shilo. That’s our history.   
For some of Ted Kennedy’s critics, his brand of liberalism represented an affront to American liberty.  Ooh! Ooh! Me! Call on me! In their minds, his passion for universal health care was nothing more than a passion for big government.  and hookers.
But those of us who knew Teddy and worked with him here — people of both parties — know that what drove him was something more.  His friend Orrin Hatch — The doddy old bastard who needs to retire already. he knows that.  They worked together to provide children with health insurance.  His friend John McCain knows that.  They worked together on a Patient’s Bill of Rights.  His friend Chuck Grassley knows that.  They worked together to provide health care to children with disabilities.  And puppies.
On issues like these, Ted Kennedy’s passion was born not of some rigid ideology, but of his own experience.  It was the experience of having two children stricken with cancer.  He never forgot the sheer terror and helplessness that any parent feels when a child is badly sick.  Except he lives in a compound and like all elites, has access to stuff you can only dream about. And he was able to imagine what it must be like for those without insurance, you imagined wrong, you drunken fool. what it would be like to have to say to a wife or a child or an aging parent, there is something that could make you better, but I just can’t afford it.  I love when a rich guy lectures me, a poor guy, about what it like to be poor, and then he takes more of my money and freedom, because he’s smarter than I am.
That large-heartedness — A condition common amongst alchoholics. that concern and regard for the plight of others — is not a partisan feeling.  It’s not a Republican or a Democratic feeling.  It, too, is part of the American character — our ability to stand in other people’s shoes; a recognition that we are all in this together, and when fortune turns against one of us, others are there to lend a helping hand; a belief that in this country, hard work and responsibility should be rewarded by some measure of security and fair play; and an acknowledgment that sometimes government has to step in to help deliver on that promise. Except they screw it up. Every. Damn. Time.
This has always been the history of our progress.  In 1935, when over half of our seniors could not support themselves and millions had seen their savings wiped away, there were those who argued that Social Security would lead to socialism, but the men and women of Congress stood fast, and we are all the better for it.  And where are we now exactly? In 1965, when some argued that Medicare represented a government takeover of health care, members of Congress — Democrats and Republicans — did not back down.  They joined together so that all of us could enter our golden years with some basic peace of mind.  Except for those of us who can do math and understand basic finance, because we don’t get to have peace of mind.
You see, our predecessors understood that government could not, and should not, solve every problem.  The fools. You know so much better, don’t you FDX? They understood that there are instances when the gains in security from government action are not worth the added constraints on our freedom.  When have you ever fought to increase freedom or shrink government? But they also understood that the danger of too much government is matched by the perils of too little–
And that is the part where my brain overloaded from the steady stream of BS and I drove into a ditch. Good thing socialized medicine will be there for me! 
LOOK OUT! It is a walrus!


I’ve noticed a trend. Richard Paul Evans wrote The Christmas Box and The Christmas Letters.  Then there was the Christmas Jars by Jason Wright. Now we’ve got the Christmas Sweater by Glenn Beck. Notice anything?  All best-selling novels.  All written by Mormons!


So as a novelist and a Mormon, I too am entitled to write a best-selling Christmas novel. Now I’m a slightly different type of novelist than the gentlemen above, so I’m not sure how this is going to work out. So I am proud to present to you, gentle reader, excerpts from the upcoming, as of yet untitled, Larry Correia Christmas novel project: THE CHRISTMAS (insert noun here). 


I will, of course, come up with whatever the noun is as I go along. I’m thinking cookies. Or maybe a tree… or something.  Inevitably however, everything I write seems to turn back into rampaging monsters or terrorist plots.  Go figure. So here are some excerpts from my rough draft of THE CHRISTMAS NOUN:




From Page 2 Prologue Flashback sequence: “Well, I’m really sorry about Christmas being so tough this year, little Timmy. After your father was crushed to death cutting down that Christmas tree, and your mother lost both of her hands at the candy cane factory, and your brother died from that rare mistletoe allergy, and…”


“That’s okay, Grampa. I understand. I’m eight years old. I’m sure this will be the best Christmas ever!” Little Timmy said, just knowing that he was going to get that limited-edition Millenium Falcon he had always wanted.


Grampa paused to wipe the tears from his good eye. He had recently lost his other eye in a freak reindeer accident. “Well, here’s your present, Timmy,” he said, pushing the wrapped package forward…


Young Timmy ripped it open. It was a rock. “But, Grampa. It’s a rock,” he said sadly. “Where the hell’s my Millennium-Falcon? You could have at least got me the Optimus Prime with laser ax and eyeball cannon!”


“It’s all we could afford, Timmy. I’m sorry. Just remember that Santa Claus still loves you. Just not this year. Because we’re poor.”


Timmy looked out the window to where the neighbor kids were playing with their new ponies or flying around on rocket sleds. “You suck Grampa! Christmas killed my entire family, and I still get a friggin’ rock. I hate Christmas FOREVER!”


Grampa raised his fists to the sky and theatrically shouted, “NOOOOOOOO!” kind of like Darth Vader at the end of the last Star Wars movie, but without so much reverb. Then he died.




From Chapter 1. 


Young Timmy grew up until his friends just called him Tim. But he was a bitter young man, who had sworn a blood vendetta against the spirit of Christmas. One year Tim got a job as a mall Santa as a condition of his parole.


On Christmas Eve morning, Tim was working at the mall, when he happened to bump into Sally Love-Interest.


“Well, hello, Tim,” said Sally. “Do you have any plans for Christmas Eve?”


“No, Sally,” said Tim sadly. “I figure that I’m going to loaf around my slum apartment, shoot rats with my .22, then drink Thunderbird until I pass out in a pool of my own vomit. If I’m lucky I might live through the night. How about you?”


“Well, I’m going to the protest. Industrialist-billionaire-Republican-capitalist Chuck McScrouge is trying to bulldoze the Orphanage/Old Folk’s Home/Teddy Bear Hospital and evict all of those orphans, old people, and teddy bears… on Christmas Eve!”


Tim shrugged. “Whatever.”




From Chapter 2.


Tim’s Mom was really glad to see him when he came to visit her at the Orphanage/Old Folk’s Home/Teddy Bear Hospital. “Oh, Tim. I’m so glad you could come.” She waved at him with her stainless-steel hook limbs. Tim noted that she had gotten into the season by painting them with red and white stripes, like pointy stainless-steel candy cane hands. “You look so handsome in your Santa suit!”


“Hey, Mom. I hear Mr. McScrouge is going to bulldoze this place today. You and all of the old folks will probably freeze to death or something I guess.”


“Oh, no. I believe in the miracle of the Christmas (Noun),” she said.


“The Christmas (Noun)? Well that just sounds stupid.”


“No stupider than Jars, Letters, Boxes, or Sweaters, and look how many books those sold!” his mother admonished him.




From Chapter 3.


“Bwa Ha Ha Ha Ha!” Mr. McScrouge laughed with the laugh that only industrialist billionaires can produce. “Foolish Sally Love-Interest. You really think that your feeble protest can stop my fleet of bulldozers?”


“You’ll never get past the Christmas (Noun)!” Sally shouted from across the picket line. “Because it represents goodness, redemption, forgiveness, and puppies!”   


“I’ve bulldozed a leper colony, three hundred acres of old growth forest, a spotted owl habitat, and a homeless shelter before breakfast.” Mr. McScrouge said around his Cuban cigar. “Your orphanage/old folk’s home/teddy bear hospital is next.”


“Never, Mr. McScrouge!”


He held up his hand. “It’s pronounced Screw – Jay.  It’s French.”


“Oh, sorry.”




From Chapter 5.


Tim ran into the room, his fake white beard twirling dangerously above his padded belly. “Wait! Where did that old book go?”


Sally looked up from Tim’s Grandfather’s chest of secret Christmas memories. “You mean that big ancient scary one bound in what looked like human skin and inked in blood? I gave it to those carolers.”


“That was Grandpa’s book of forbidden mysteries and Cthulu summoning!” Tim shouted. “He had it buried under the town nativity scene. When those atheists burned it, they freed the book!”


Sally was embarrassed. “Oh, I thought it was ancient Summarian Christmas carols.”


“The only song in that book is the song that ends the world.  It will rip open an unspeakable hole in the fabric of space and time and turn everyone into zombies. Which way did they go?”


“They were going to sing to the old folk’s home,” Sally said. Tim spun and ran from the room. “Wait, where are you going?”


“To get my shotgun!”




From Chapter 7.




Tim used his Santa hat to wipe the gore from his face. “Man… who would have thought that old people still contained that much blood!  They look so dried out, but it’s like they’re pressurized or something…”


“Tim!” Sally screamed. “The portal is getting bigger. Something is coming through! Something big and evil!”


There was a scream of incomprehensible terror from the portal to hell. “HO HO HO” Then a sleigh made of bone and chaos exploded into our world in a flash of fire and a stink of corruption, pulled by eight tiny Hell-Deer, being whipped onward by a horned demon in a jolly red suit wielding a cat-o-nine tails made of Christmas lights and barbed wire.


“On Stalin! On Hitler! On Sodom and Fred!” shouted the demon at its hell-deer. “On Carrot-Top! On O.J. Simpson! On Rosanne Barr! Move your lazy ass, Ted Kennedy! Ho Ho Ho!” His belly shook like a bowl full of jelly. Poison jelly-fish that is!


“Santa?” Sally asked stupidly, as Sally was actually pretty dim-witted, but she was really easy on the eyes.


“No,” Tim said as he pumped another 12 gauge slug into the chamber. “It’s the Anti-Clause.”


“I’m checking my list, and checking it twice, and now I’m going to swallow your souls,” bellowed the Anti-Clause.


“Not if the Christmas (Noun) and my Black Tiger Style Kung-Fu can help it!” Tim shouted.




From Chapter 8.


The last of the zombies burst into flames and collapsed around the mall.


Tim slowly lowered the dripping chainsaw. “I think we did it!” he shouted. “We saved Christmas.”


“What!?” Sally shouted.


“Oh, yeah.” Tim shut off the chainsaw. “Sorry about that.”


“I love you, Tim,” said Sally as she kissed him passionately. At the beginning of the book she had looked kind of nerdy, and had been wearing glasses and had her hair in a bun, but by the end she was just in a torn tank-top and was looking pretty hot, in classic B-movie tradition. “Especially now that you have the spirit of Christmas and stuff.”


“I couldn’t have done it without the Christmas (Noun) and that extended dream sequence from the last chapter.”


Then it snowed. And the orphans, old folks, teddy bears, and special guest star Hulk Hogan had the happiest Christmas ever. Cthulu was displeased.





(Note to people who actually read books, the above is satire. No. Not the little guys with the goat legs… Satire. There is actually no Christmas novel in the works.  Do not let the strangeness you just read dissuade you from purchasing my actual (not sucky) novel, Monster Hunter International, available now on www.amazon.com) http://www.amazon.com/Monster-Hunter-International-Larry-Correia/dp/1439132852/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1229922500&sr=8-1 





Update: There is a new Christmas Noun post in 2009: http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2009/12/08/the-christmas-noun-2-the-nounening/