HK. Because you suck. And we hate you.

An open letter to the gun community from HK’s marketing department: In a world of compromises, some people put the bullets in the magazine backwards…But it doesn’t matter, because our gun is on the cover of the Rainbow Six video games. Look how cool that SEAL coming out of the water looks… If you buy a $2,000 SOCOM, you will be that cool of an operator too. And chicks will dig you.

At HK, we stuck a piston on an AR15, just like a bunch of other companies have done, dating back to about 1969. However ours is better, because we refuse to sell it to civilians. Because you suck, and we hate you.

Our XM8 is the greatest rifle ever developed. It may melt, and it doesn’t fit any accessories known to man, but that is your fault. If you were a real operator, you would love it. Once again, look at Rainbow Six, that G36 sure is cool isn’t it? Yeah, you know you want one.And by the way, check out our new HK45. We decided that humans don’t need to release the magazine with their thumbs. If you were a really manly teutonic operator, you would be able to reach the controls. Plus we’ve fired 100,000,000 rounds through one with zero malfunctions, and that was while it was buried in a lake of molten lava, on the moon. If you don’t believe us, it is because you aren’t a real operator.

By the way, our cheap, mass-produced, stamped sheet metal guns like the G3 and MP5 are the bestest things ever, and totally worth asinine scalpers prices, but note that cheap, mass-produced, stamped sheet metal guns from other countries are commie garbage. Not that it matters, because you’re civilians, so we won’t sell them to you anyway. Because you suck, and we hate you, but we know you’ll be back. We can beat you down like a trailer park wife, but you’ll come back, you always do.

Buy our stuff.


HK Marketing DepartmentHK.  Because you suck.  And we hate you. 

I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m not the biggest fan of H und K.  I posted that letter on THR a long time ago as a joke, but it sure did manage to tick a lot of people off.  Ironically, the tag line, HK.  Because you suck.  And we hate you, has been popping up in various places ever since. 

Sure, they’re decently reliable, decently accurate guns, but they’re massively overpriced and overrated by legions of fan boys.  One of the most frustrating things about dealing with gun people on the interweb is that folks tend to pick a brand, and then base some of their self-esteem on that brand.  Kind of like rabid sports fans who feel the need to burn cars if their team wins, or loses, or they just felt like burning stuff.   Say something negative about that team to one of those rabid fans, and you’re probably going to get beat up.  Likewise, if you say anything negative about the Teutonic superiority of HK, people get mad at you. 

Well, I love hate mail, so here goes. 

For each of their wunder guns, you can get something else that costs a lot less, and works better, and has ergonomics designed by people that actually shoot.   HK came about when some Nazis fled to Spain and built the Cetme.  But Cetme doesn’t sound very tough, does it?  So they went back to Germany and became H and K, and if you call it H and K, fan boys will get mad, and insist that it is HK, because manly Teutonic operators and Navy SEALs don’t have time to say the word And.  So HK rose to prominence by building the G3, which is what the Germans call the Cetme.

Now the G3 is a decent rifle.  It is a cheap, stamped sheet metal, battle rifle.  It has terrible ergonomics, with a hard to use safety, (and this is coming from a guy with gorilla hands), and difficult to use charging handle.  It is reliable, because of the roller locking bolt that destroys your brass, and recoils worse than other competing .308 rifles.  The FAL smokes the G3, and the only reason the G3 exists is because the Germans were too proud to pay royalties to those uppity Belgians. 

The G3 can be really accurate, if you weld a bunch of metal to the sides of it, stick on a nice barrel, and jack the price up $10,000.  And no, that’s not a typo.  The PSG1 is absurdly priced, and the cheaper version, the MSG90 is proof that if make anything absurdly heavy enough, it can be accurate. 

There is a collapsible stock available, which is awesome, if you like getting hit in the face with a piece of rebar, which is what their $400 stock feels like when you shoot it.  Germans must be tougher than we are or something.

Other stamped, sheet metal guns exist, but HK fan boys mock those as commie garbage.  See, if you build a cheap gun, but it is from Germany, then it is superior, but if you build a stamped gun in the eastern block (a hundred miles from Germany) then it is commie garbage. 

But what brought HK to international fame and the cover of Dick Marcinko books (for example, Rogue Force Delta Green Team 7 Ninja Force Alpha II:  The beginning)  was the G3s little brother, the MP5.  Take a G3, shrink it, and chamber it in 9mm.  At the time, CQB doctrine was to use 9mm subguns.  Now the MP5 is a neat little gun.  I have two.  They work well, and if compared to the other subguns of the day, like the Uzi or the Mac, then the MP5 was a lot easier to use, easier to hit with, and was decently reliable. 

The MP5 became famous when the SAS used them to kick the living hell out of some bad guys at the Iranian embassy.  This was marketing gold, and HK rode the wave.  Pretty soon everybody wanted an MP5.  It was what all the cool kids were using.  Soon every video game and action movie was filled with HK stuff.  HK may have overrated guns, but they’ve got the best marketing department in the gun business, and they milked that fee cow until it was dry. 

But the MP5 isn’t as great as people make them out to be.  They still malfunction.  (if you’re favorite gun hasn’t malfed, you haven’t shot it enough).  The mags are hard to insert on a closed bolt.  Safety still sucks.  Most versions don’t have a bolt hold open.  Honestly, if I had to get into a gunfight with a subgun, then I would rather have my PPsH. 

HK long guns were mostly unobtainable to US civilians, primarily because HK hates the civilian market.  If you don’t believe me, go talk to them at SHOT show, and watch them sneer at regular people.  They can’t help themselves.   But like all unobtainable things, like Ferraris, and super models, regular folks start to imagine these unobtainable things as perfection, when really they’re just an expensive car that spends most of its time in the shop, or a chick with mental problems and Bulimia.  That’s what happened with HK.  Their products took on this aura of coolness amongst the fans, that just isn’t real. 

For example, go to any thread on the internet where somebody brings up “What is the Best Rifle EVAR!”  and there is a poll.  On the poll will be some HK long guns that 99.85% of the gun owning public has never seen, let alone shot, but those guns will have the most votes, because the HK marketing department told you how awesome they are. 

Read up about the XM8 on most gun boards.  According to the interweb, the XM8 is the finest combat implement of all time.  In actuality it is a plastic AR18, that tends to melt, break, and is universally loathed by the Army staff that had to test it.  It takes bizarre attachments, so no US accessories will work.  They took the G36, which is basically a blah rifle, used by a handful of countries that don’t ever actually shoot people, and uglied it up so that it looks like the demented lovechild of Bloaty the Pizza Hog and a Super-Soaker.

Or the HK416. According to the internet, the HK416 is the best gun EVER!  It is called THE AWESOME.  Lightning bolts of coolness fly from the gun and smite your enemies with Teutonic fury!  However you can’t have one, because you’re a civilian, ergo, you suck.  And HK hates you.

The 416 is basically an AR with a gas piston, which has been done by like ten companies now, but somehow the HK is better, because it was on Future Weapons, and HK won’t sell it to civilians.  In fact, a couple of 416s slipped out into civilian hands, and HK freaked out about it.  There is no legal reason that 416 uppers can’t be sold, but HK despises regular people, and the idea of you having their long guns offends them.

You can get civilian HK long guns, once in a while, when HK feels like it, but they’re usually hyper-neutered and over priced.  Hell, the last ones were actually grey, because you know, black is too dangerous, or something.

HK’s new subgun is the UMP.  They tend to break.  One of our local PDs traded all of theirs in after they broke all the stocks.  Cool idea, because everybody loves .45, but bad execution.

HK’s flagship pistols, the USP line, are decent polymer handguns.  They are extremely reliable, that is the plus side.  On the down side, their triggers universally suck, but they don’t have to.  HK likes to use a square peg in a round hole, (literally) that makes the trigger pull a lot heavier and grittier than it needs to be.  Why?  Beats the heck out of me.  The USP series should be reliable, they’re enormous. 

The most annoying thing about the HK pistols is how they cost almost twice as much as every other polymer handgun on the market.  Somehow being made in Germany means the USP series is worth $800-$1000, when all of the polymer guns made within a thousand miles are $400-$600.  Only most of those guns tend to have better triggers, are just as reliable, and are usually more accurate.

Then there is the Mk23.  Which is huge, accurate, reliable, (which it damn well better be, since it is the size and weight of a Mini-14) costs as much as a used car, huge, and is universally despised by the SF that it is issued to.  Talk to anyone that is in an SF unit.  The Mk23s they’ve been issued sit unused in arms room.  Did I mention that it is HUGE?  But that’s okay, because the HK fan boys will explain that it is an OFFENSIVE handgun.   (scratches head) whatever the hell that is supposed to mean.  

They are reliable, but so is a $125 Makarov.  Only the Mak has a better trigger.

I have two guys that I work with that have been to the HK armorer’s school.  If you think I’m biased, you should talk to them.  They especially love working with the Germans.  One fellow was yelled at because he had two magazines clamped together on his MP5, because “NEIN!  That is not the H und K way!”  Even though he had bought the mag clamp from HK.  When you ask why the original MP5 doesn’t have a last shot bolt hold open, they’ll yell at you and say, “NEIN! Why would you want your enemy to know your gun is empty!”  Hell, Hans, I just want to know when my gun is empty!

One friend of mine took his personal MP5, and cut an extra notch into the collapsible stock, so it would be shorter for when he was wearing his armor, and also it removed the nasty wobble that all HK collapsible stocks have.  It is an easy fix, and a no-brainer that the HK should have been doing for years.  Fritz at the armorer’s school damn near had an aneurism when he saw this blasphemy against his ineffectual German gods.  

Look, gun owning public, just because you saw it on Future Weapons, or read about it on the internet, doesn’t make it true.  For the love of John Moses Browning, before you formulate super strong opinions about a weapon, you should have at least shot the damn thing first.

 Do I have anything positive to say about HK?  Yes, the sneer of disdain they give you at SHOT is priceless and entertaining.

Edit: My book, Monster Hunter International, is available now on Amazon.

New blog logo

I just put up the new blog header for Monster Hunter Nation.  The design is courtesy of Justin from The High Road.  I think it looks good, and suits my personality.  

The happy face is from the cover of my upcoming novel, Monster Hunter International.  It is the MHI company patch. 

So what do you think?  Comments? 

Anti-gun letter to the editor at Brandeis U.

I saw this letter to the editor posted on THR.  And I feel the need to make fun of somebody, and Jeffrey Dobereiner of Brandeis University, today is your lucky day.  If you were ever wondering about the state of higher education in America, here is your answer.  Apparently Brandeis has decided to arm their campus police.  (About friggin’ time, but this is from Massachusetts, so what do you expect?)


 His incoherent ramblings are in italics.  I’ve got to pick this apart, because this is perhaps one of the stupider things I’ve seen in quite some time. 

Better lighting and stakeouts more effective than pistols and bullets
By Jeffrey Dobereiner

Okay, just the title is a dead giveaway that the author is living in a magical fantasy world.  You’ve got a crime problem.  You stake it out and catch the bad guys, and then what?  No guns?  Take them into custody with your reason and debate skills?  This ain’t England.  Our criminals will eat you alive, and if you’ll notice, even Brit cops have access to guns now.  But I digress, let’s continue with this foolishness.

Obsessing over safety is by no means cool, but having to live in fear is quite unpleasant. I am forced to ask, then, why Brandeis Public Safety dedicates itself wholeheartedly to the wrong things, while leaving gaps which affect the student body.

Right off the bat, the author indicates that his brain isn’t firing correctly.  For you folks that flunked English 101, this paragraph is called Foreshadowing.   

Brandeis is a pretty safe campus. We don’t have security guards stationed in all of our dorms, we don’t have random ID checks, and we don’t need these things. We have the fastest parking ticket response time in the country, and we don’t need that either. But most of all, we don’t need officers with guns. 

Okay, Brandeis is so safe that cops don’t need guns, because, after all, bad things never happen at a school.  Jeffrey might not have a security guard stationed in his room, but I’m willing to bet that he sleeps in a bicycle helmet, and all the pointy corners in his dorm room have been taped over with foam padding.   In debate terms, what Jeff just did was set up what is known as a Strawman Argument.  This is where you state something absurd (random ID checks, guards in your room) and assign that belief to your opponent.  This is one of the lower forms of debate tactic, right above calling somebody a doody head. 

What threat could possibly strike our campus which would require our police officers to fire upon someone?

   Jeff, do you live in a cave?  Are you really that stupid?  Uhh… how about bad person needing to be shot?  I was going to bring up Virginia Tech for example, but the author brings it up himself below.  It is usually an indicator of a really stupid argument when in your own pitch, you bring up facts that make you look like an imbecile.

  Guns are tools of fear and intimidation, and the presence of officers wielding firearms will doubtlessly have a subduing effect on campus speech and student spirit.  

I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that our intrepid author wet the bed well into his teenage years.  I don’t know about you guys, but I can barely function when there is a gun present.  Which means since I’m usually wearing a .45 and work in a gun store, I spend a lot of time being intimidated and subdued.   

Recently, Andrew Meyer was tased relentlessly and without merit by campus police officers at the University of Florida, simply for asking too long a question of John Kerry.
   Actually, the tasing was a result of not doing what the cops asked him to do, which was leave the scene.  Then when he resisted and fought, he rode the lightening.  For a good analysis of this, go read Lawdog’s blog.  He can explain the merits far better than I ever could.  

Last year, UCLA police did the same thing to a student at the Powell Library because he wasn’t fast enough showing his ID. And that was non-lethal weaponry!  

  Point of order from somebody who sells this stuff, there is no such thing as non-lethal weaponry, only LESS-Lethal.  I could kill you with a pillow.  But I still don’t get what Jeff is getting to here, as these examples don’t have anything to do with cops having guns.

  Brandeis boldly skipped tasers, and went right from pepper spray to pistols.

Oh, there is his point…  And what a sad little point it is.  Because he found a couple of examples where cops used force against students, by his reasoning then surely his local cops are just going to skip over that whole Force Pyramid thing and shoot him for getting lippy.  Wow, they’ve got some really mean cops up there in Kennedy land. Now that is what is called a Logical Fallacy, which is a typical liberal way of looking at the world.   
This knee jerk reaction to the Virginia Tech tragedy involved little to no input from the students it claims to protect, and is being adopted far too hastily.   Uh, Jeff, I thought you couldn’t think of any reasons why we would need guns at school…   Hello… Crazy guy shooting people sounds like a heck of a good example to me.

  A small panel during the summer months, with student views represented by Union insiders, hardly qualifies as open dialogue.   

If by dialogue, you mean poorly-reasoned claptrap like the Brady propaganda you’re regurgitating all over yourself, then I can’t blame the panel at all.  Outrage and feelings don’t make you smart, and just because you have an opinion doesn’t mean you should share it, because frankly, my 7 year old can articulate a clearer argument than you have here.  

The answer to diminished gun violence is not more guns – it’s the implementation of better mental health facilities for the student body.   

And what if the next school shooter wasn’t a student, but just decided to walk onto campus… But Correia, that could never happen, and we’ll disregard all the times that has ever happened.  Besides, everybody knows that good mental health facilities are the answer to violence, which is why we don’t have violence anymore.  Ironically, some of my best students and customers are mental health professionals, apparently they know enough about crazy people to know to carry a gun.

  While the terrible actions of Seung-Hui Cho can’t be forgotten,   But people like you had already forgotten before the bodies had cooled…

  or overstated,   Jeff, I’m guessing you’ve never seen anyone shot in the face before.  Let alone dozens of people.  That’s kind of hard to overstate.  But I don’t live in Magic Fairytale Unicorn Land like you, so I wouldn’t know.

  giving our police more lethal weapons is not the way to prevent such an incident.  

For once, I agree.  Give the lethal weapons to the STUDENTS.  They’re the ones that will be there when the bad things happen.  Police can only respond after the fact.  Here in Utah, we’re not having an argument about arming cops, we’re arming students, faculty, and staff.   Oh, that concept ought to make Jeff’s poor brain explode.   Shockingly enough, we haven’t had any problems.  “Student Spirit” and other nebulous crap like that is doing just fine.  See, I missed out on the whole “Academic Expression” stuff, because I went to college to get a piece of paper that said I was entitled to get a job that paid better.  That was it.  I suppose the longer a person isolates themselves in the world of academia, where all opinions are equally valued, then the more idiocy, like this article, will make sense.  

 The police at Virginia Tech were, at the time of the massacre, carrying firearms.  And if the shooter had decided to fight them, instead of killing himself, how exactly were the cops supposed to deal with him?  Oh, I’m sure Jeff would have given Cho a hug, told him that everything was okay, and that they just needed to discuss his feelings in the sharing circle. 

 That is not to say there aren’t ways to make our campus a safer place to live.   

Yep.  Allow students with concealed weapons permits to carry guns, you idiot.  It works pretty damn well for us.

    Recently, there have been massive numbers of cars broken into in J lot and around the Charles River apartments. An officer told me that the break-ins are continuing, and as I walked back to my Grad today, I saw a friend of mine’s driver-side window knocked out. This means that there are criminals, presumably from off campus, coming here regularly. They have no fear of capture, and why should they? 

  Yes, because your unarmed police might be forced to yell “STOP!” or something.  I rolled my eyes so hard when I read that, that I think I injured myself.  

The few closed circuit cameras set up to watch our cars clearly aren’t cutting it. Ah, but, here’s what guns will do for us: Thief one: “Man, let’s rob the cars on the Brandeis Campus. We can go unarmed because those cops don’t have guns. We’ll just run if we’re seen.” Thief two: “Dude, I heard they’re going to start arming their cops with pistols.”

Thief one: “Well hell, I guess we’ll have to bring our guns, then!”

(High Five)

 Yes, because that is exactly how it works in the other 200,000 separate jurisdictions in the US that have armed cops.  I can’t hardly get to work because of all the gun fights cluttering up all the major intersections.   
We’re pumping $100,000 into weapons training and shiny pistols for our cops.  

 Oh my gosh, Jeff brings up a great point.  Holy crap.  I’m stunned.   $100 K is a lot.  They’re paying too much.  FBMG could outfit a PD of that size, with armor, guns, and training, for a lot less money.  Somebody on the Brandeis PD should give me a call.  

 With just one hundredth of that, I know how to stop the thief. Hire a security guard (or a ninja) to stand behind a tree near J lot. 

 Anytime ninjas are brought into an argument, I just keep on walking…     

When they see someone about to shatter a window have them run out and throw a net on the criminal!

   Yes, because the net is the best weapon ever for fighting crime, well, almost as good as the Bat-erang or Wonder Woman’s golden lariat.  Just a tip for people who want to write letters to the editor, see, at this point Jeff is just kind of rambling, and making himself look stupid.  If you are woefully ignorant of a topic, you really shouldn’t talk about it, at least not in a public place, where people will be tempted to beat you up and take your lunch money.

  Then they can call the Brandeis Police, and the problem will be resolved. 

  And if the guy resists, or pulls a gun, the PD can use Hug Therapy, or perhaps light some scented candles.   

  In all seriousness, paying a couple of officers overtime to stake out the parking lot would be prudent. 

 Oh good, he’s serious now.  For a minute, I thought that an American college student was actually dumb enough to believe this tripe. 

Overzealous security steps like giving pistols to our police officers don’t compensate for glaring oversights like a lack of sufficient cameras in J-lot, or low numbers of patrols. 

Only in a state that keeps on reelecting that bloated pimple, Ted Kennedy, could arming police officers with pistols be considered “Overzealous”.  In the rest of America, our cops are already armed, and we’re having this discussion with our state’s equivalent of Jeff about regular people carrying guns.   

The addition of firearms will make us less safe by bringing the number of guns on our campus from zero to many.  

 I’m not sure what Jeff’s major is, but it certainly isn’t math.   Let me break this down for you, Jeff.  I don’t know if you’ll be able to understand something that isn’t drawn in crayon, but the problem isn’t guns.  It is bad people who hurt good people.  I know in your academic world of moral equivalence, there is no such thing as good and evil, but in real life, there are bad men in the world who will hurt you and take your stuff, regardless of how you feel about it.   Bad guys with guns?  Bad.  Good guys with guns?  Good.   Now here is the tricky part.  Bad guys break laws.  I know this is shocking, but bear with me.  If I’m a bad guy, and I’m planning on committing 50+ murders and other capital crimes, and then killing myself, I don’t really care what your “Campus Safety Policy” says about guns on campus.  The only thing that is going to stop me is putting bullets into my vital organs until I leave you alone. Jeff, I hate to tell you this, but there are people in this world who will rape you to death, through your skull.  They’re bad, they’re tough, and they don’t give a shit about your school spirit or freedom of academic expression.  They’ll hurt you because it brings them pleasure. The only thing that protects people like you, from people like that, is people like me.  Deal with it, you pampered little ass-muppet.     Let’s allocate these resources to things that will actually make us safe, like better lighting on the sketchy walk to J-lot. Or a ninja. Our endowment has been “growing at record rates” – the least our administration can do for us is ensure we don’t get robbed while parking on their property.
Monday October 1, 2007 

Somebody should take some of that endowment, and hire a new Logic professor, because apparently your current one sucks balls.   

FBMG Machine Gun Shoot

We’re having our next machine gun fun shoot on October 27th at Big Shots Ranch in Grantsville Utah.  We’re going to bring a bunch of machine guns, suppressed weapons, and we should have some factory reps out there doing demos.  You can bring your own guns and ammo, though we’ll be selling ammo there, and renting NFA weapons for a really good price.


We’ll also be blowing up a couple of cars, which is always fun.  Big Shots charges a small amount to get onto the range, and we’ll have burgers and stuff available for purchase.


To get an idea of what these are like: 


Our last one: (watch for the exploding cars toward the end)

Our first one:

And just for fun PvtPyle fires a 250 round belt through a PK from the hip:


If you’ve never shot a suppressed weapon or a machine gun, and you’re going to be in the Utah area, join us. 

B-Movie Review: Evil Aliens

Evil Aliens

I saw this last night at Blockbuster and picked it up.  I had heard some hype about it, how this new British movie was the best splatter comedy since Peter Jackson’s early stuff.  Now that’s a pretty bold thing to say, because Peter Jackson is the friggin’ man.  For those of you that only watch “normal” movies, you know Peter Jackson as the mastermind behind the Lord of the Rings, but when he first started out, he made some of the finest B-movies the world has ever seen. 

Just ask any B-movie geek about the lawnmower scene from Dead Alive and watch them start to snicker uncontrollably.  We just can’t help ourselves. 

Evil Aliens was billed as a black comedy, and since I only understand about 30% of British comedy, I wasn’t expecting much.  In the first few minutes you have an alien abduction and a rectal probe with a 10 inch drill bit, from that point on you know that this movie is going to at least be interesting. 

The movie slows down for a bit to introduce the characters, a bunch of stereotypical victims from bad movies, who then head out to a Welsh island to investigate this alien abduction.  Then the aliens arrive, and the movie kicks into high gear.  Something is either getting chopped to bits, shot at, blown up, stabbed, burned, chainsawed, mutilated, impregnated, smashed, run over, or put through a piece of farm equipment, every couple of minutes for the remainder of the movie.  It is non-stop fun as blood and limbs kept getting thrown into the air or onto the screen.

To decide if this movie is for you, ask yourself a simple question, have you ever wanted to see somebody chase down a couple dozen aliens with a combine and tear them into pulp, while listening to a tape of  “Motivational Welsh Farming Music”?  If your answer is yes, then throw this one in your Blockbuster queue. 

A note on the characters, they start out as typical caricatures, but by the end they’ve really grown on you, and that says a lot since most of them are scumbags or morons.  Considering what this movie is about, and how the lead actress dresses, there was actually no human nudity (well, except for the anal probe obviously), but there was alien nudity as every Star Trek dork’s dream comes true.  (boobie spikes, hoo ray!  B-movie goodness!)

 I laughed my ass off.  The movie was awesome.  It lives up to the hype, and is in fact just as fun as Dead Alive or Bad Taste.