If you’re coming to CONduit this weekend,  http://conduit.sfcon.org/   this is what I’ll be doing:

And I usually manage to bluff my way onto other things when the other panelists are friends of mine.  CONduit is usually a lot of fun. So swing by and say hi.

Continued from: http://MonsterHunterNation.com/2010/05/17/the-adventures-of-tom-stranger-interdimensional-insurance-agent/

Earth #745-Q-15832

ANNOUNCER:  “ Don’t worry everyone, coverage of the Annual Macy’s Draw Mohammed Day Parade will continue in a minute, but first a word from one of our parade sponsors, Stranger and Stranger Insurance. Because you’re in Strange Hands with Tom Stranger.”

CUT TO –

EXTERIOR SHOT – DAYTIME IN A PARK.   Children play on a jungle gym. Happy parents look on.  There is giggling and birds singing. Suddenly a tear appears in the fabric of space and time and dinosaurs wearing Nazi uniforms spill out onto the playground.  Parents scream as children are plucked from the slide and eaten.

VOICEOVER:  “Has this every happened to you?”

CLOSEUP. A doll lies on the ground and is squished beneath a dinosaur foot with a swastika on it.

CAMERA PANS BACK TO REVEAL TOM STRANGER:  “Hello. I’m Tom Stranger, of Stranger and Stranger Interdimensional Insurance.   Did you know that over a million paradoxical Hawking rifts occur every day across the multi-verse?”

EXTERIOR SHOT – STATUE OF LIBERTY.  A giant Cthuloid tentacle horror beast is humping the Statue of Liberty’s leg like a deranged poodle.

TOM STRANGER: “Well, now you do.”

MAN ON THE STREET INTERVIEW:   “It was horrible. One minute we were eating dinner, and the next, this buffed guy wearing  a hockey mask and driving a dune buggy crashed through our dining room. He said his name was Lord Humungous. The next thing I knew I was hanging from a bungee cord, having a chainsaw fight against a retarded guy with a bucket on his head!  Master Blaster! NOOOOO!!”   – he begins to sob.

Tom Stranger appears and pats the sobbing man on the back in a reassuring manner.

TOM STRANGER:  – looks at camera – “But because Mr. Lawson here had Stranger and Stranger Post-Apocalyptic Barbarian Insurance, he was fully covered. “

CUT TO-INTERIOR SHOT-THUNDERDOME – Tom Stranger is arguing with Lord Humungous and somebody that looks like Genghis Kahn.  Hell, it probably is Genghis Kahn.  Lord Humungous throws his hands up in the air and stomps away, obviously frustrated.

TOM STRANGER VOICEOVER: “I was able to get Mr. Lawson’s dimension fixed back the way it had been, and they even had to pay to vat grow him some new legs.”

MR. LAWSON:  “These new legs are way cooler than my old ones! Whee! Thanks, Tom Stranger!”

EXTERIOR SHOT – THE PLAYGROUND.  Nazi dinosaurs are all trying to do that Heil salute, but it is difficult with their stubby little arms. Tom Stranger falls out of the sky and lands, crouched, in the middle of the Nazi dinosaurs. They turn to look at him, surprised. Tom Stranger reaches both hands into his suit coat and comes out with a CCW (CorreiaTech Combat Wombat) pistol in each hand.  A Tyrannosaurs with a little Hitler mustache roars, but then Hitlersaurus Rex explodes into a shower of blood and meat chunks as a 3mm hypervelocity round strikes it at over 50,000 feet per second.

CUT TO – R. LEE ERMEY:  “I’m Secretary of Defense, R. Lee Ermey.  We got invaded, but my dimension had Stranger and Stranger extended space marauder coverage. After being ****ed over by a horde of purple ***** sucking **** rags, Tom kicked their asses!  It was a mach 4 pterodactyl rodeo! OOOH RAH! Tom Stranger’s customer service is OUTSTANDING!”

EXTERIOR SHOT – PARIS:  Gritty shaky-cam style – The Eiffel tower is on fire. It is chaos as an army of My Little Ponies run through the streets with chainsaws. A mime silently pleads for his life but is brutally chainsawed by My Little Pony Sparkle-Butt.  Blood splatters the screen as the camera  falls with a clatter.

VOICEOVER:  “No one thinks they need Interdimensional insurance until it is too late. Don’t let this happen to you…”

CUT TO – A hand wipes mime blood from the camera lens. The camera is picked up. In the background a Stranger & Stranger BattleMech stomps the stuffing out of Sparkle-Butt, then turns to the camera and gives a robotic thumbs up.

TOM STRANGER SITS BEHIND A DESK, LOOKING CONCERNED:  “Think of us as homeowner’s, but for your dimension. All three of my hearts swell with sadness every time I see a planet destroyed when it doesn’t have to be.  Because here at Stranger and Stranger, we care.”  TOM STRANGER ACTIVATES A HOLOGRAM ON HIS DESK. HE IMMEDIATELY CHEERS UP.  “And we’ll even provide a free rate quote from us and each of our competitors.”

CLOSE UP OF HOLOGRAM – Stranger & Stranger is like billions of dollars cheaper. The next quote is for Conundrum & Company.

TOM STRANGER: -mutters as he stares into the hologram- “I hate you Jeff Conundrum, so very much.” – VOICE DROPS TO A DEADLY WHISPER – “You’ll pay, Conundrum. I swear you’ll pay.”  – TOM REMEMBERS HE IS ON TV. TURNS BACK TO CAMERA AND GIVES A FRIENDLY SMILE.

FADE TO BLACK

THE WORD “TESTIMONIALS” APPEARS.

CUT TO – ADAM BALDWIN:  “I’m Adam Baldwin, President of the United States of America on Earth 345-Bravo-98081. You may remember me from such programs as Big Hollywood the Animated Series, The Grimnoir Chronicles, and the Serenity trilogy.  Tom Stranger saved our entire planet with his—“

GOES TO SPLIT SCREEN –

BARACK OBAMA: “And I’m El Presidente for Life on Earth 782-S-32591. We also use Stranger an–”

ADAM BALDWIN: “Hey, I was talking, jerk.”

BARACK OBAMA: “Well, I got bored.  And that hat makes you look stupid.”

ADAM BALDWIN:  “I think it makes me look cunning.  You take that back.”

BARACK OBAMA:  -nose in air- “I’ll have you know I’m very important on my planet.”

ADAM BALDWIN: “And I swear on Charlton Heston’s magic laser sword that I truly do not give a flying crap.  Apologize to my hat.”

BARACK OBAMA: “ I only apologize to dictators, terrorists, and occasionally the mayor of Cleveland, if I get caught up in the moment. It’ll be a cold day in Kenya before I apologize to a libertarian-space-cowboy.”

R. LEE ERMEY:  – shoves his way onto camera – “Let me through, Prez. Nobody talks **** to my dimension!  Hey, big ears! I know you! You’re that maggot that can’t even pronounce Corpsman correctly! Nobody disrespects my beloved Corp or my President’s hat!  I’ll plant my Space Marine size 12 combat boot in your corn-hole!  Hey! Yeah, I’m talking to you, maggot! Eyes over here.  Your teleprompter can’t save you now!“

BARACK OBAMA:  – confused – “You kiss your mama with that mouth?”

R. LEE ERMEY: “No, but I kiss yours with it!”

BARACK OBAMA: – sputters – “This means war!”

CUT TO – TOM STRANGER AT HIS DESK, PERPLEXED.  – shrugs – “Well, that just goes to demonstrate that when multiple alternate realities collide… things can get a little…”

VOICEOVER GUY:  Strange?

TOM STRANGER: – chuckles – “I suppose so. “ HUGE EXPLOSION NOISE IN BACKGROUND. “Wow. That guy from Family Matters is going to be in for one heck of a surprise when he finds out their policy lapsed when their check bounced! Well, it looks like I’ve got to get back to work.  It’s been nice chatting with you, Earth 745-Q-15832. Enjoy your Mohammed Day parade.”

VOICEOVER GUY: – whispers to Tom.

TOM STRANGER: “Oh… this is a dimension where the people stood up to those bullies. Oh. Sorry about that. I mixed you up with that other Earth where their comedy program network talks a big game, but only makes fun of religions that don’t cut people’s heads off.  This multi-verse thing can get really complicated. My sincere apologies to your…” TOM CHECKS GUIDE BOOK, “Emperor ManBearPig.   Bye bye.”   TOM WAVES AT CAMERA.

FADE TO BLACK.

Join us next week for the further adventures of Tom Stranger, Interdimensional Insurance Agent, when Tom meets his dreaded nemesis, Jeff Conundrum, in ARBITRATION ON MORDOR STATION.     https://monsterhunternation.com/2010/06/01/tom-stranger-interdimensional-insurance-agent-in-arbitration-at-mordor-station/

I’ll be posting another episode of Tom Stranger on Monday.  This time it will be a commercial advertisement from Stranger & Stranger.  I think I’m going to try and make Tom’s adventures a weekly event.

Just so you guys know, most writers check their Amazon rankings daily. We’re kind of weird like that. It is a kind of strange competitive trait.  Really, since Amazon updates by the hour on some strange, unknowable formula, it really doesn’t mean much, but being in the good number range is always nice for our egos.   Amazon is only one outlet, but it is a really big outlet. Plus it is the only place where author’s with self-esteem issues can be updated hourly.

MHI has hung in there really well for almost a year now.  I figure out of the 4 million books on Amazon, if you’re hanging out in the top 1,000 you’re kicking serious booty.  The highest I ever got was into the 500 range back at the release, which considering that includes non-fiction, politics, news, childrens books, Kindle, etc. I’ll take it with a smile.  Since then I’ve tapered off, (since ya’ll already bought it) and MHI will normally be hanging out in the 20,000-30,000 range, which is still good out of millions. That means it is still selling. (B&N is still restocking it too, which is even more awesome).

I have noticed a trend though. Whenever I do something on my blog that gets a slew of links and hits, I get an Amazon spike. This week I had two big ones, Tom Stranger and the punching of Ms. Magazine in the face.  Links went out, I made new folks laugh, (and was honorarily adopted into the Robert Downey Jr. Screaming FanGirl club! “Ms. Magazine made fun of Robert? KILL THEM ALL!”  Thank you, Julie, for the intro. )  and yesterday MHI is back up in the 5,000 range, #50 in Horror. (being in the top 100 of a genre is always sweet).  And even better, Monster Hunter Vendetta, which isn’t even released for a few more months has been right there with it too. (though Amazon hasn’t stuck it into genres yet).  This morning both are sitting around 10,000, which is pretty darn good. I do believe MHV is going to do well.

As a writer, if you want to be a success, it takes more than writing a really good book. There are lots of people who are far better writers than I am who fade into obscurity. I’ve always been told that one of the keys is building up a loyal fanbase who trust and like you enough to buy anything you put out.  For any of you who are aspiring writers, I’d recommend blogging.  It introduces your work, it lets your fans get to know you, it helps you network and make friends, and every now and then you can use it to crush your enemies and grind them to dust.

Originally I had some other writers warn me not get too political on the blog, since that ran the risk of offending potential readers. (I’ve noticed that advice is often only applied to those of us on the right)  But I’ve never been very good at that whole middle-ground thing. Nobody has ever accused me of being “moderate”.  I figure, why be mushy? Let people know how you really feel.  Unless you are a writer and a lunatic, because then you might want to keep anything that will hurt your sales out of the public eye.  So you may want to keep your conspiracy theory about the Reptoids from the Hollow Earth to yourself.  Unless there is a big potential fanbase in that community, because if it sells another 10,000 books, then I’m all about the fact that Rahm Emmanuel is actually a Reptoid in diguise.  

On the fiction front, Mike and I have been working hard on splicing together the two halves of Dead Six. Last Saturday consisted of the two of reading the book out loud and tweaking things as we went. (his iguana, Winston, was there as well. Winston, however, failed to provide any useful input into the editing process). My goal is to have the draft out the door and into the discerning hands of Reader Force Alpha by Monday morning.  For anybody who thinks that co-authoring a book would somehow be easier because you’re only doing half the work, you are so very wrong.  Co-writing is actually a whole lot harder. Sure, you can come out with a superior product because two brains are better than one, but you’ve also got to figure out how to mesh two brains together into a coherant mass, and you’ve got a lot more continuity issues and editing work. 

Once D6 is out the door, then I’ll jump back on Monster Hunter Alpha. The actual word count on Alpha is only 75K so far, so about half way through, but the first part is always the hardest, and then it goes faster and faster as I go.  I’ll have Alpha done and out to Toni this summer. 

Meanwhile, the Correias are still living in a crappy little apartment while our new house is being built.  It kind of sucks. I bought our first house seven years ago. It was great. In fact, it was so great that I forgot how much apartments suck. Then we sold our nice house in town in order to build a magnificent house in the mountains.  The only downside was this required living in an apartment. No problem. How hard could that be? We lived in an apartment before… Oh… but we’d forgotten. The years of bliss had faded our memory of being renters.  We’d forgotten that no matter how nice your apartment complex is, some of your neighbors will be crack whores and imbeciles. I don’t care if you pay five grand a month in rent, if you’re renting, one of your neighbors will be a hooker (or might as well be) and somebody else will leave cigarette butts all over your doorway.    

For example, yesterday. My apartment (which by apartment standards, is perfectly nice and sound) has a pool and a hot tub. Mrs. Correia suggested we go let the kids swim and we could sit in the hot tub. They seem to have a pretty good resistence to diseases that begin in the word “Crypto”. Okay. Great idea.  Until we got there, and there were literally 400 children stuck into a 6×10 tub.  Even if it hadn’t been filled with stinky, screaming kid flesh, I’m sure most of the water had been replaced by urine at that point, so Mrs. Correia and I sat on deck chairs while the kids swam in the pool. (98% urine free!)  There was another guy sitting there by us. 

So after twenty minutes, this lady shows up,  goes to the guy in the chair, and I kid you not, says; “I’m back. Thanks for watching my kids. What was your name again?”  She then gathered up approximately 11 of the 400 children from the kid-tub (creating space that was surely immediately filled with pee) and left.  Huh? What kind of person leaves their kids at the pool (and they were young too) with a dude who’s name you don’t even know?  “Excuse me, you don’t look too much like a serial killer. Would you watch my kids? I’ve got to go perform unmentionable acts in the parking lot in exchange for crack money”

The basement is done. The wood has been delivered. There is a porta-potty.  FRAME! FRAME! FRAME! Come on, baby, Correia wants to live in a house again!

Lord Barack and Darth Biden. Please feel free to caption away.