I originally did a super short piece called Lawyer Fight for the MHI RPG, where Ultimate Fighting Lawyer, Shane Durant, picks a fight with an undead monster in an elevator. But last year Baen asked me if I’d like to go ahead and finish that scene, so I did, and it is titled LAWYER FIGHT.
It is available for sale in the new Overruled anthology which is out now.
This was a great idea for an anthology. Laurell and William explain where it came from in the intro, but basically the way she pitched it to me, she was sick and tired of too much recent fiction trying too hard to be grimdark and hopeless. You know the stuff I’m talking about. Everything sucks, everyone is a jerk, everything fails, then the characters all die. The end. That’s lame and kind of depressing. So Laurell wanted to put together an anthology of stories that had an element of hope to them.
They didn’t need to be sugary, happy fun times, magic rainbows and unicorns stuff either. On the contrary, some of these in here are dark and deal with some harsh stuff, but she wanted stories that had some element of hope to them. Even when stuff is bleak, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
It’s out this week. (Come to think of it, the timing of this is appropriate, but she started putting this together last summer).
I had a lot of fun with my story in this one. I’ve used it for my live reading at a couple of cons now because it gets a lot of laughs from the audience. You know all those stories where a time traveler goes back in time to stop someone from doing something? Only imagine if instead of the Terminator, you got Rob Lowe’s character from Parks & Rec… except he’s still trying to kill you.
I’ve read about half of the book so far and everything I’ve read has been really good. In anthos like this I usually check out the newbs before the more famous writers (I like to keep up on up and coming talents, because they are the ones who need the publicity. Us old established types are fine) and I’m happy that all of them I’ve read so far have been great.
William McCaskey’s story is about PTSD and how teddy bears protect us from nightmares, and it is poignant and really well done. KC Ezell’s had a story about a pioneer handcart company and werewolves, excellent. Rob Hampson has one about the history of the moon which is a really love story. Patrick Tracy’s tale of a convenience store clerk who turns into a vampire is surprisingly tender. And I really liked Griffin Barber’s sci-fi tale of a bad ass crime boss in space prison which went in a direction I didn’t expect.
So check it out. I hope you enjoy it.
One thing I’ve noticed by watching but not participating in social media over the last few months, it doesn’t matter how complex a situation is, people like to act like they’ve got the answers. Even though there are multiple things to worry about, people feel compelled to pick one particular thing to freak out about, and by golly, they’re gonna try and shame anybody who has picked a different particular to freak out about. So if you’re having a come apart about one thing, somebody will yell at you that your thing is stupid, and you should be more worried about their thing instead which is obviously far more important than your dumb thing.
For this epic battle our basic teams are: The Corona Virus is gonna kill us all, Trying to stop the Corona Virus is killing the economy, and Trying to stop #1 and/or #2 will result in government Tyranny/Stupidity/Overreach.
(in reality, these all suck, they’re all bad, a rational person can be concerned about all of them, and there aren’t any simple answers, but oh well. This is the internet, where we say fuck your nuance!)
I noticed this is a lot like picking your fighter in Mortal Kombat—only the Facebook Global Pandemic version is way more annoying—so let’s break down their different special attacks, counters, combos, and finishing moves.
Which is the greatest threat!? Who will win?! CHOOSE YOUR FREAK OUT!
#1. Corona Pandemica, Master of Kung Flu.
This appears to be our most popular character, and is a real powerhouse, high mobility fighter. Your goal is to keep everyone pinned in their corner (a mandatory six feet away, obviously).
Your winning strategy is to share every doom and gloom click bait article possible. Always go with the worst-case scenario estimates, even the ones that have been discredited still work. Reach for the stars. The higher the body count the better.
Speed Attack – Flatten the curve!
Power Attack – “Corona Virus can live for 36 days on all surfaces—including those that are on fire—is airborne for up to 300 miles, can survive sunlight, radiation, lava, lightning, harsh language, and is an excellent tree climber that can infect your gold fish.” Remember, watching CNN basically makes you an epidemiologist, so you don’t have to take crap off anyone.
Counter – Whenever anybody posts anything vaguely positive, how the worst case estimates are unlikely, most countries aren’t dropping like flies, or that the end is in sight, you should immediately dodge their actual point and instead pretend they said “Herp Derp, iT iS oNlY ThE Flu!” so you can safely dismiss them as idiots.
Combo – When the Economy player goes for a combo, press X to activate “You want Grandma to die so billionaires can have another yacht! I AM DISGUSTED.”
Vulnerability – Having to eventually pay your bills. Boredom.
Fatality – Everyone stays home forever, dies alone, and is eaten by their pets.
#2. Thirty Percent Unemployment, Son of the Great Depression
The economic argument is a powerful midgame player which capitalizes on the fact that shit costs money, and magic unicorns aren’t going to slide down a rainbow farting rent money.
Your winning strategy is to get people to admit the basic undeniable reality that this bullshit we’re doing now can’t go on indefinitely.
Speed Attack – I really want tacos. We should go get tacos.
Power Attack – Press A+B to launch Government Stimulus Package. PIGS RAIN FROM THE SKY!
Counter – When player 1 goes all wannabe stasi and calls 911 to report you for being outside, press Y to flash your Essential Employee Badge. “Suck it, Karen, these toilet paper shelves ain’t gonna stock themselves!”
Combo – American ingenuity, 3D printing ventilators, and Pillow Guy.
Vulnerability – Feelings. Actually catching the virus at work and dying from it.
Fatality – Grandma actually does die, but your new yacht is pretty bad ass.
#3. Comrade Gestapo
Saying that the government is going to become increasingly tyrannical because of all this unprecedented overreach is the least popular player, usually reserved for cranky libertarians, but is a powerful late game finisher.
Speed Attack – Am I being detained?
Power Attack – Press X for a real time demonstration that the government sucks at quite literally everything, how at best they’re incompetent, at worst they’re maliciously evil, and that they’ll never let a crisis go to waste… Wow. That is one depressing power attack.
Counter – When the economy people launch Government Stimulus Package, press back and B to engage Pork Shield. “Ha! I paid too much taxes last year so I don’t get a check! Wait… What? Shit.”
Combo – After years of being yelled at that you are paranoid, and don’t really need guns or food storage, press Y to engage Schadenboner, then press A to laugh at your formerly anti-gun friends when they try to borrow a gun from you because NICS is down, the prisoners have been let out of jail, and the cops have all called in sick.
Vulnerability – You sound like an uncaring dork talking about all this while people are sick or losing their jobs. Also, Carol Baskin.
Fatality – Defying all the laws of physics, you somehow manage to DRIVE A TRAIN ONTO A BOAT.
Boss Fights
Like all good fighting games, after you’ve battled your way through the other playable characters, now you have to take on the bosses.
Up first you have to fight the News Media. They seem really powerful, but just remember that they’re totally useless hacks, who are absolutely full of shit, and lying their asses off about quite literally everything, and you’ll be fine. If there has ever been a better example in all of American history of what a bunch of useless, vapid, preening, self-important, disconnected from reality, assholes the media is, I can’t think of it.
Just spam punch, and eventually they’ll crumble. For a fatality, once they get laid off tell them to learn to code.
After that you have to get through the mandatory Orange Man Bad stage. This is where you get continually pummeled by morons on the left saying that everything bad in the world is Trump’s ignorant fault, while also being screeched at by morons on the right saying that everything good in the world is Trump’s benevolent doing.
Luckily, both sides are idiots, and not every topic in the fucking universe has to boil down to their idiot team sports. These boring idiots are compelled to make quite literally everything about Trump so just dodge out of the way and let them keep screaming at each other.
(on that note, I think it is hilarious that it turns out the morons who drank fish tank cleaner because “trump told them too” turn out to be huge Hillary supporters with TDS, and the wife has a history of mental problems, break downs, and has been talking about divorcing her husband for years. Wasn’t the murderer taking a less lethal dose of the same poison as the victim to avoid suspicion a plot on Murder She Wrote?)
Then we’ve got our final boss fight, Xi Jinping, aka Winnie the Flu (and just saying that will get anyone reading this post in communist China thrown into a prison camp), because let’s be honest, if this totalitarian piece of shit hadn’t wasted months silencing dissident doctors for trying to warn the world about this virus, and the WHO hadn’t unquestioningly kissed his ass, we wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with.
This is one heck of a boss fight. His attacks consist of having CNN regurgitate his obvious bullshit propaganda without question (oh yeah, we’ve like totally had zero new cases since we kicked all the disloyal reporters out of our country, and somehow the US media is all like YAY CHINA IS MY BEST FRIEND!). Of course, the self-loathing idiots from the previous rounds will all rally around the communist party as being the real heroes now, for donating faulty medical equipment to countries currently battling the problem the communists covered up to begin with. The only way to win this fight is for companies to move their vital production out of China, home, or at least to countries that don’t actively despise us.
Congratulations. If you win the game, your trophy looks like Andrew Cuomo’s nipple rings. Like I warned you above, this game really sucks.
Baen just put up the announcement.
Larry Correia will be joining us here on Facebook LIVE on FRIDAY at 8 PM EST for a reading from DESTROYER OF WORLDS, Book Three of the Saga of the Forgotten Warrior, and for a bit of Q&A after!
I’m assuming I’ll probably be banned again by then for some terrible thought crime, but I’ll just be doing a Zoom call and my publisher is going to stream it.
Jack compiled this post a while back… I can’t imagine why I keep getting kicked off that stupid website. Jack just copied over my comments, but you’ll get the idea. After the screen caps I’ll explain how to spot Common Internet Shit Gibbons in the Wild
Hey all- Jack Wylder here.
Although we all know Larry’s opinion of the Book of Faces, he nevertheless manages to make it more tolerable for all of us. It’s become more and more obvious, though, that we need to take anything worth taking with us and bring it HERE. Recently Larry was on a friend’s page and decided to have a bit of fun. As soon as I saw it, I knew it needed to be preserved for posterity. (Note: I didn’t bother capturing the posts of the mockee because no one cares what the pinata has to say…) So for your enjoyment, CorreiaTech is proud to present the latest episode of Larry Correia- the Facebook Hunter. Today’s episode: the Common Internet Shit Gibbon….
This is Larry again. The CISG’s posts didn’t get copied over, but the specifics and even the topic don’t really matter. I got this dude super riled up. He about lost his mind and went on a 48 hour posting rampage. It was hilarious. 😀
You ever post something on social media, and then have some random stranger blunder in screaming at you for wrongthink? You might have attracted a Common Internet Shit Gibbon. You can tell when you are dealing with a Common Internet Shit Gibbon by the following clues:
– They start out by being total dicks to everyone, attack, attack, attack, but when responded to in kind, demand civility and whine about “tone”.
– They just make shit up and throw it at the wall to see what sticks.
– They are really pathetic, but oblivious to it. In fact, they think they’re brilliant, even while being super dumb.
– When you waste you time refuting any of their bullshit, they immediately create new bullshit. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Their bullshit is endless. Your time is not.
So when you discover that you’ve got a CISG infestation, the best bet is to just mock them until you get bored, and then block them. Or you can call THE INTERNET HUNTER. (actually, don’t tag me. I don’t have time, and I’m probably in Facebook jail anyway)