-This needed to be preserved (from Larry’s Facebook page) -Jack
Trust me, kids. This is a tale of adventure! If you missed yesterday’s Live One, I’ve got to do an Internet Zoology highlight reel, because this dork’s behavior is such a perfect cliché that I may finally earn tenure!
As a professional Internet Zoologist I love observing the patterns of strange internet creatures and documenting them for you guys. (being serious for a minute, I find learning their strategies and tactics for arguing fascinating)
The original subject, gerrymandering.
FB is awful at linking to itself, but if you go down my page it’s the gerrymandering post that’s got like 400 comments. I’ll zelda below, but you know how that goes, and FB will show you whatever it decides to show you in its mysterious and unknowable ways.
The subject, Had Sheik, blunders into my page, having followed my trail from where we clashed briefly earlier on a mutual friend’s page where Sheik was boldly defending the poor innocent Disney megacorporation from the evils of Gina Carano.
Seeing the hulking, brutish form in the distance, I tried to identify the creature. Upon initial observation I thought the subject was too ponderous to be a Common Internet Shit Gibbon, and from his profile pic appeared to be a subspecies of Mayonnaise Goblin.
The Mayonnaise Goblin loudly approached the herd of innocent Normies gathered around my internet watering hole, and immediately attacked! His two pronged offense consisted of declaring that republicans gerrymander more than democrats (lol), and he posted a link to “prove” it. But wait, there’s more! He then cited a bill that would have banned gerrymandering, but republicans all voted against it.
I was shocked! It is rare for a liberal Mayonnaise Goblin to be able to formulate TWO thoughts simultaneously! Could this possibly be one of the legendary Greater Mayonnaise Goblins? But they supposedly went extinct in November of 2024!
His attack might have worked against lesser Normies, but sadly for the MG, this particular herd is battle hardened. His link got laughed at because it came from a left wing think tank (it’s basically the Democrat Committee To Elect Democrats In Perpetuity Institute of Liberalism, so I can’t imagine why people don’t trust it’s integrity!) and that super nice and good law he cited had a few minor side effects like making DC the 51st state, and basically ensuring that democrats automatically win every single federal election for eternity. I can’t believe republicans would vote against that, those dicks!
But thus would begin an EPIC BATTLE that would continue for the entire day!
Undeterred, the Greater Mayonnaise Goblin circled, and produced a new link! This one was a list of the 10 most gerrymandered states! 9 of which were red! TAKE THAT FOUL REPUBLICANS.
Except my state made the list, and if you look at our map, it’s mostly squares, based on county lines. How’d we get on there, while the spaghetti noodle states didn’t? If you walk across dread O’Hare to get from A gate to C gate you’ve crossed like 7 congressional districts.
So the GMG’s second attack was parried, because it turned out his “peer reviewed study” was some bullshit blog, with no actual data or criteria, and its “sources” were editorials from places like Axios and Salon whining about republicans. (remember kids, only republicans “gerrymander”, democrats “tactically redistrict”).
However, in the chaos of facebook battle, this was when the fight broke into multiple subthreads. Now we were fighting about election fraud! And voter ID! Madness! Pandemonium! Autism!
It was then that I learned the Greater Mayonnaise Goblin’s legendary power didn’t come from it’s wit or speed, but from it’s SHEER FUCKING SIZE! GMG’s individual attacks are weak, but they can barf up to THIRTY SIX dumb ass points and links* at a time.
*note, GMG’s are large and gassy, but they are not clever. Their “research” consists of googling, finding the first link they think helps them and confirms to their preconceived notions, and pasting it without reading it first. This is funny when their own link contradicts their dumb ass point, but GMG’s never take any accountability anyway.
The GMG relentlessly charged the herd, over and over again. But being dimwitted, it settled into a predictable pattern. Endlessly roaring that it’s super impossible for women, minorities, poor, and rural people to do something super dooper complicated and ridiculously expensive like get an ID.
Like all liberals, GMGs are deeply and profoundly racist, in that they believe minorities and poor people are basically helpless vegetables who can’t survive without being cared for like pets, so our GMG’s next attack used a “peer reviewed study” from the “non-partisan” League of Women Voters which said that 25% of black Americans don’t have IDs.
Wow… Okay. I want you guys to think about that one. This dude, actually believes that 1 in 4 adult black people in America have no ID. Right now. Today, in the year 2025. Not just voting, he actually thinks a QUARTER of black people can’t drive, have bank accounts, or jobs, or go to the doctor, or buy or rent houses, or buy cigarettes or alcohol, or fly on an airplane, or buy a gun, or do basically ANYTHING. Like… wow. Holy shit. 😀
But no matter how absurd, illogical, and frankly ridiculous that is, this fat, greasy, beast ran with that narrative all day. Except there’s more, because the “non-partisan” League of Women Voters he got this super genius, totally honest stat from, when you look at their webpage what do you see they’re fighting for? Abortion, climate change, DEI, open borders, and pretty much every democrat cause you can imagine.
When challenged, the disgusting beast, Had Shrek, rolled his bloated carcass over, screamed out “They are non-partisan because their by-laws say they can’t support any political party or candidate!” and then sprinkler sprayed shit like a hippo for FIFTY YARDS!
When I asked this dimwitted thing if he thought Antifa meant they were the good guys because it was in the name, he did not respond, because he was too busy licking the worms from his own butthole. (It turns out GMGs are infested with parasites. Gross)
GMGs do not care about truth or even basic observable reality. They stampede through a fantasy world of their own creation. When challenged by my fellow Internet Zoologist, Professor Ian McMurtrie about how poor people in 3rd world countries could get IDs to vote, but these hypothetical Americans couldn’t, the GMG’s said those countries didn’t have republicans trying to stop them!
Sadly, for poor, fat, stupid, Sheik, Dr. McMurtrie lived much of his life in Africa and put up with none of that bullshit. 😀 Because yes kids, American liberals are so dramatically up their own ass that they really think walking 10 hours through blistering heat and biting flies, while dodging machete wielding rebels and literal fucking LIONS is easier than getting somebody to drive you to the nearest DMV in rural Alabama.
On that note, I don’t know where this corpulent sack of crap comes from, but he twice made the mistake of citing states I’d lived in. From the most backwoods places in Alabama, you’re like 45 minutes from a DMV. Hell, the place I stuck Cazador, it’s like an hour drive and that’s isolated enough to have a COMPOUND! With Orcs!
The battle raged on! The herd pounced, repeatedly pummeling the GMG, but encased in a thick hide of impenetrable porcine lard and brain fog, the monster was impervious to shame or self-reflection. All it could do was barf up more “studies”.
One note on that, which is seriously fascinating about how the game is rigged, if you google search any of the terms related to voter ID, ALL THE LINKS are from the same handful of crappy, ultra left wing, activist groups. If you search for something tangentially related which uses any of the keywords (even something innocuous, like what percentage of black Americans have drivers licenses) again, ALL THE LINKS are to the same handful of lefty activist (sorry, “non-partisan” institutes that are all about moderate causes like abortion, climate change, open borders, and single payer healthcare) sites about voter ID. Ain’t that curious.
I can’t summarize 400 posts of mayonnaise fueled bloviating, but you get the idea. Voter fraud never happens. Okay it happens but it doesn’t make any difference. Okay it happens all the time but only republicans do it. Here is a non-partisan study from the Institute of Liberalism Committee to Elect Democrats Eternally that says so.
So on and so forth. FOREVER!!!!!!!!! You’d think something so corpulent would get gassed out, but apparently typing takes very little cardio.
Seriously, his most “conservative” source ever cited was Princeton… And when I looked democrat faculty outnumbers republicans something like 8 to 1, and that was the MOST conservative thing he barfed up.
At one point the beast let out a piteous wail, about how it could no longer respect me even though it liked my books, and I was like Thank goodness! Because if dorky, lying ass monstrosities like this respected me, I need to repent and examine my life choices.
The battle continued, and most of the herd grew weary and went back to playing Xbox. I took my wife out to dinner (fancy ramen) and the moron continued bleating in my absence. And this morning when I got up, HE WAS STILL THERE! Lying in the watering hole, festering and bloated, covered in moss and feces, turning the water salty from all his tears because only fat dumb liberals can save the rural poor!
(and being rural, the real reason we live out here is to get away from these dorks! And no, none of us listen to NPR either!)
This one was such a perfect encapsulation of what it’s like to argue with libs on the internet that it took my breath away, like a beautiful sunset.
After the curious among you get a chance to take a look, I’ll get out my elephant blocker and do my part to return the GMG to the endangered species list. 😀
