Authors should never respond to Amazon reviews, but when we do it is hilarious

As a rule of thumb authors should never respond to their negative reviews on Amazon. No matter how stupid the review, that is the customer’s opinion. But sometimes I just can’t resist. The following are all one stars for my first novel, Monster Hunter International. And yes, I did actually post these comments.

1.0 out of 5 stars
Sorry, I don’t believe in Vampires of any sort or werewolves or orks or fairies. I read the book because it was free, and I deleted any requests for future Monster Hunter books.

AUTHORS NOTE: That is because it is fiction.

 
1.0 out of 5 stars
15 year old me would give it 4 stars. So, there’s that. Kudos.
I had to stop reading when my eyes rolled out of my head.

So what you are saying is that 15 year old you was way cooler than you are.

1.0 out of 5 stars You will love this book if you are Glenn Beck
Completely agree with all of the one star reviews here. You will love this book if you are Glenn Beck.

Then it would be very thoughtful of you to give Glenn Beck one of the nice leather bound editions for Christmas.
1.0 out of 5 stars Give it a skip
Want to read a long novel about an unrealistically humble badass who turns out to be the chosen one, complete with love at first sight, getting the girl in spite of the stereotypically obnoxious other guy, the most cliché monsters you can think of, and the libertarian gun-nut author reminding you of his political views every three pages? Then you’ll love this book.

AUTHORS NOTE: Holy shit. You make this book sound awesome.

 

1.0 out of 5 stars Should have been a comic book
Monster Hunter is great if you are a 12 yr. old boy, hooked on graphic, gory video games and your mom says you need to start reading. Just don’t do a book report on it for school.

AUTHORS NOTE: Great book for young adults. Gets youth to read. Would make a great comic book. Thanks!

 

1.0 out of 5 stars I do not recommend reading this book.
This is not a good book. I am a huge fan of urban fantasy. I’ve read all the Dresden File books, I’ve watched every season of Supernatural. I get it. This book reads like the revenge fantasy of an angry 14 year old. Yes there are monsters and guns, but it’s tied together with a pathetic, loathsome main character. I couldn’t finish it. The cover art is the best part of this book.

AUTHORS NOTE: Luckily Jim Butcher must enjoy the revenge fantasies of 14 year olds, because check out his Monster Hunter International short story in the upcoming Monster Hunter Files anthology.

 

1.0 out of 5 stars This book reads like a bad Dresden Files fan fiction written by a …
Awful. Truly, stunningly awful. The characterizations are bland and frankly nonsensical, the plot is slow, and the author describes the guns in terms of makes and models and it is still the single most detail he puts into anything in the book. This book reads like a bad Dresden Files fan fiction written by a right-wing conspiracy theorist. Which, come to think of it, is precisely what it is.

AUTHORS NOTE: If you love Dresden Files, check out Jim Butcher’s short story in the upcoming Monster Hunter International anthology for right wing conspiracy theorist gun nuts!

1.0 out of 5 stars Don’t bother
Poorly written and edited. Stick-figure characters, bad plot. I suppose if you’re really crazy about gun stats it might be worth reading – nah. Better to get a subscription to a good magazine.

AUTHORS NOTE: For a good magazine I would recommend Cat Fancy.

cat-fancy

 

1.0 out of 5 stars Yawn
This book is full of transparent characters and situations. Every plot point and joke is telegraphed pages ahead like the worst of a SNL skit. I’m not sure why it gets so many good reviews or even why it was published.

AUTHORS NOTE: It was published in order to make obscene sums of money. But I too love SNL, so thanks for the compliment!

 

I’m Glad That’s Over With!

I wrote the following post on Facebook yesterday morning:

Time to vote for Brain Cancer vs. Colon Cancer. I can vote for Ice Cream, but that’s just a protest vote, because we’re getting cancer either way.

Some of you may think that Colon Cancer is the lesser of two cancers. I can respect that choice. Because Brain Cancer really sucks.

But if you think either of these is actually going to be good, you’re smoking crack. I truly don’t get the cheer leaders, who are like Yay Colon Cancer! Colon Cancer is going to be AWESOME!

In the primary we could have voted for Ham Sandwich or Tolerable Rash even, but oh no, we said we wanted Cancer like the other guys. Sure, the tumor kept proclaiming it was actually All You Can Eat Shrimp, but it was pretty obviously a tumor on a colon.

In the unlikely event Colon Cancer wins (Colon Cancer isn’t polling well in most swing states) then I will cross my fingers and hope that it turns out to be a mild case of Colon Cancer.

 

##

 

And then after voting, I played videogames and didn’t look at election returns until around midnight.

Best moment of the night, my wife was lying in bed next to me, also reading her phone, and says “Hillary came in third in Utah.” And then we both started giggling for like three minutes straight.

As somebody who didn’t really have a horse in this race, who had to come to terms with not getting what I wanted months ago, I’ve got some comments for the rest of you. (for the record my primary vote was for Ham Sandwich, only All-You-Can-Eat-Shrimp/Colon Cancer supporters declared that was actually Canadian Bacon because they didn’t understand how the Naturalization Acts work, and his dad killed JFK)

I’m not happy Trump won, but I’m ecstatic that Hillary lost.

From what I heard this morning (haven’t looked to confirm yet, and woke up late) Trump got fewer votes than Romney, but Hillary got WAY less votes than Obama. So people decided they wanted colon cancer instead of brain cancer, but I don’t think very many of us were super enthusiastic about either. They just wanted the other crappy one to lose.

This election turned into “My authoritarian New Yorker is better than yours!” And shockingly enough, a authoritarian New Yorker won. Yay! Go cancer!
I did not see a Trump victory coming (apparently, neither did any of the professional pollsters). It is a testament to the sheer, banal, corrupt, unlikable nature of Hillary that she couldn’t beat the guy they picked as the most beatable. Maybe the painfully biased media has finally worn out its welcome, and people distrust their narratives too much for them to carry the day. You can only call cry wolf so many times before the villagers quit listening. I mean, come on, they portrayed mushy squishy Romney as the second coming of Satan-Hitler. When everybody who disagrees with liberals is a racist hatemonger of evil, people start to tune them out. So when somebody actually says something outlandish, and it gets reported, everybody is tuning them out or assuming it is nothing blown out of proportion, like usual.

Way to go media. You’re bigger losers than Hillary.

So we get Trump… Now I can only hope that I’m completely wrong about Trump’s character, and that he won’t govern like a thin skinned authoritarian. That would be nice, but I won’t hold my breath.

In fact, I would love to be wrong. I pray to be wrong.

I would like to get a good replacement for Scalia and repeal Obamacare (I’m sure everybody seeing their super jacked up health insurance bills at the end of the year didn’t help Hillary much either). But again, I’m not getting my hopes up. How those two things shake out should tell us a lot about how the next few years are going to go.

The president can’t know everything. Trump will either surround himself with good professionals who know their shit and he’ll listen, or he’ll appoint sycophants and yes men.

Either way, I don’t know how it’s going to go, so I’m going to keep stockpiling canned food and ammunition. Not panicking, mind you, that’s just what I’d be doing anyway.

I’m also seeing a lot of liberals this morning talking about how now is the time for reconciliation and “reaching across the aisle”. Ha! Remember when Obama got in, and “Elections have consequences”, and he had a “mandate” and you shoved Obamacare down America’s throats even though a lot of us didn’t want it? Yeah… It is probably going to be like that.

(and we were right. Obamacare sucks. It mathematically sucks. You idiots set Trump up to look like a rock star right out the gate, because simply getting rid of that thing will cause an economic boom)

All that stuff I’ve heard over the last few years about the OBSRUCTIONIST republicans blocking your sainted president from doing what he wanted? No shit. That’s how our government works. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, and there is a president who wants to do stuff you don’t like, you’re going to expect the people you voted for to try and stop him. And then Trump will probably still cram through some Executive Orders you don’t like. Yep. We know exactly how that feels.

On that note, this is why if the idea of an executive power in the hands of That Other Asshole terrifies you, maybe then the executive shouldn’t have that power at all. Because eventually The Other Asshole Team is going to win, and do to you, what you did to them.

So liberals, remember laughing off and excusing things like Fast & Furious or the IRS targeting political opponents? Oh, silly republicans, the president has a phone and a pen and shut up! Uh huh… That kind of behavior seems terrifying now that somebody like Trump has it, doesn’t it?

Serves you right.

For the liberals flipping out this morning about getting loaded into cattle cars, chill out. There are plenty of legit reasons to dislike and distrust Trump without getting hysterical over memes and conspiracy theories. Yeah, he’ll probably suck and do things you hate. Welcome to what the other half of America has gone through for the last eight years. We lived. So will you. Probably.

On that note, if any of you hysterical melting down types actually believe Trump is Literally Hitler who is going to gas all the Gay Mexican Muslims in concentration camps, your local gun store is thataway. The nice men behind the counter will be happy to teach you about basic gun safety, how self-defense laws work, and then sell you one of those evil black rifles you’re so scared of. And then in the unlikely but catastrophic event the government did ever turn tyrannical and genocidal, you’d be in a position to do something other than cry about it on Facebook… But  I see a mass liberal run on guns to be about as likely as Trump turning out to be Reagan II, but hell, I’ve been wrong a lot this year!

 

 

Interview with author Mike Kupari

Hey all, Jack Wylder here. With Larry pushing hard to get Monster Hunter Siege out the door by Christmas he hasn’t had a whole lot of time to blog here lately so I figured the time was right to start a new thing- writer interviews!
This week we’re talking with Mike Kupari- author of Her Brother’s Keeper and co-author of the Dead Six Series with Larry. Questions in bold, responses in italics.

To start with, how should Kupari be pronounced?
KOO-pa-ree

What inspired the Dead Six series in the first place?

From 2004 to 2005, I worked as a security contractor at a US base in the Gulf Emirate of Qatar. I lived there for a year, and I actually lived in the city of Doha, not on base. It was a unique experience, and taught me a great deal about how the Middle East actually is vs. what you hear about in American media. Being over there got the creative juices flowing (it’s not as gross as it sounds), even though, at the time, I had no aspirations of being a novelist.

For those who don’t know, how did Larry get involved?

Way back in 2003 or so, I wrote a story on an internet gun board called The High Road. In 2006, having just moved to Utah, I wrote a sequel to it set in the Middle East. I didn’t have a plan or anything; I’d write a chapter, then write the next a day or so later, making it up as I went along. At the time, I didn’t really know Larry, though I’d transferred a handgun through his gun store.

Also at the time, Larry wasn’t the International Lord of anything. He was another aspiring wannabe with big dreams and a stack of rejection letters. He’d had absolutely no luck selling Monster Hunter to anyone, but wasn’t giving up.

Well, he was reading my story, and messaged me and asked if he could write scenes from the perspective of another character. That was how Lorenzo was born. The back-and-forth shtick, with two competing first person narratives, became the signature of the series. It’s still fairly unique, I think. I don’t know of a whole lot of other novels that have used this technique.

During this time, though, Larry self-published MHI, and heavily self-promoted it. He eventually got it accepted by Baen, it became a runaway success, and the rest is old news. After MHI, he was looking for another book to publish. We’d been planning a sequel to my last story online, and he did one of his binge-writing sessions and cranked out something like ninety thousand words (that was eventually mostly incorporated into Swords of Exodus). Not wanting it to go to waste, he started bugging me to agree to clean up the story we’d written together and submit it to a publisher.

This was 2008 or so. At first I told him no way. I thought it wasn’t fit to publish, and given that the POV character was originally intended for a not-at-all-serious first-person story, I was worried people would think the story was some kind of self-aggrandizement (TV Tropes didn’t exist back then, and “Mary Sue” wasn’t in widespread usage). Plus, I’d just enlisted in the Air Force and was beginning my career as an EOD Technician.

You know what finally convinced me? Larry read me a passage from a novel from a huge, big-name thriller author. I mean, this guy has books in airport bookstores and gets interviewed on TV. Larry read it, and I was like, “seriously? I can do better than that.”

Turns out, even the most successful guys in the industry don’t churn out Pulitzer material every time. Sometimes you just need a good story to tell. Besides, I told myself, writing seemed to be my only real innate talent. I seemed a shame to let it go to waste. Eight years later, here I am.

I owe Larry a great deal for talking me into pursuing this. But, to be fair, I paid him back by giving him the idea for Grimnoir and Tom Stranger. YOU’RE ALL WELCOME.

What was the most challenging part of writing it?

The hardest part of writing Dead Six for me was my own inexperience. Writing a novel can be an intensely frustrating endeavor, and often you’re your own harshest critic and worst enemy. At the same time, from June 2009 on, I was down at Eglin AFB, Florida, attending NAVSCOLEOD (Naval School, Explosive Ordnance Disposal). I’m not being hyperbolic when I say that EOD School was the most challenging and stressful thing I’ve ever done. It really put a damper on my productivity, and I’m pretty slow to begin with.

Working with friends can be difficult; did you and Larry have any problems working together and if so, how did you handle them?

Larry and I operate on pretty much the same creative wavelength. We had very few real creative differences along the way. The biggest frustration for him, I think, was waiting for me to catch up. Larry writes fast. I mean, he writes fast even amongst professional writers, and I write slow. Being in the middle of the hardest thing I’ve ever done, while working on Dead Six, certainly didn’t help matters any.

My life had its share of ups and downs over the next few years, while working on the sequels, and turmoil in real life really tends to stymie my creative process. I was gone a lot, too, for the Air Force, and was kept quite busy.

I’m fairly certain Larry has wanted to choke me sometimes. He’s even swore at me (it was adorable, I wanted to hug him). For my part, he’s so optimistic and happy that sometimes I want to punch him. I didn’t, because he’s way bigger than me, and really, he’s impossible to stay mad at. For all of the accusations of him being angry, hateful, judgmental, spiteful, or mean, he’s really one of the nicest people I’ve ever known.

He is also a very patient man, all things considered. One of the hardest parts of being a writer, the thing that discourages most people, is not believing in yourself. I know that sounds cheesy, but it’s true. Most people who have the inclination to be a writer don’t try because, like me, they assume they’re no good. It’s a balancing act, of course; you can’t get so up your own ass that you can’t take advice or criticism, because even the best can churn out a dud. That said, you’ll never get anywhere if you don’t try. Throughout the whole process, Larry was very encouraging, and helped me along when if, on my own, I might’ve given up.

We do have very different personalities, though, and I think I make a good foil for him. Between his excessive optimism and my dreary cynicism, between us we make a fairly well-rounded individual.

What part are you most proud of?

My time as an EOD tech. Getting my Crab pinned on me was the proudest day of my life. I got to do some really cool stuff over the next few years, too: I traveled all over, I blew a lot of things up, I rode around in helicopters, and I shot all kinds of guns. I went through some of the best and worst days of my life with some of the finest, bravest men and women I’ve ever known.

My own EOD career was fairly short, and I only deployed once. Even still, I got to work with people I consider heroes, people who are among the very best in the world at what they do. Not to diminish how amazing and humbling being a writer has been, but being part of a community like that has been hard to top.

Oh, you meant of the books? I knew that. Um…I like how different the Dead Six series is compared to other novels in the genre. Valentine and Lorenzo aren’t your typical cookie-cutter, almost interchangeable action hero archetypes. Both of their story arcs are tales of redemption, albeit in different ways, and both of them grow as people throughout the trilogy.

For me, Valentine was partially an exploration of loss, depression, anxiety, and self-doubt. He’s been through hell and has lost almost everyone he cares about. Some readers have said that he comes across as mopey or whiny, and this was (mostly) intentional. (I think some readers are just being a little harsh on a guy who’s seen that much death.) He’s a reluctant, unlikely hero. He doubts himself. He fails. He makes mistakes. He has regrets. He has to move on with his life, unable to change the past, and having to live with all of that. He also had to come to grips with the fact that he’s an innately talented killer.

Lorenzo is a man on the edge of the abyss, and he gets pushed and pushed while trying to in some way be a good person. He was raised by Mormons and has worked for some of the worst people in the world, doing terrible things, usually rationalizing it to himself. That dichotomy, the conflict of impulses, the struggle with the monster he knows he can be, is central to his character. Eventually, he figures out who he really is.

Both of the walk difficult paths, and both of them suffer mightily along the way. But they also grow, adapt, and evolve, learning to deal with what they can’t change and working through the violence and chaos around them. Despite the dark tone of the stories, I think there’s a positive message in there, and I’m proud of that, too.

If they made a movie of this, who would you cast?

Oh hell, I’m so bad at this. When I first created her, I imagined Ling as resembling a young Lucy Liu, or Gong Li from the Miami Vice movie, but I don’t know of any actresses that match her age and character now, in 2016. Idris Elba, Larry’s unabashed man-crush, should play Antoine. He’d be perfect for the role, in terms of demeanor, screen presence, and physical appearance. I imagine Lorenzo as having the voice of the guy that did Roger Smith and Spike Spiegel, but I couldn’t pick an actor to play him.

I don’t think Dead Six should be a movie. I think it should be one of those violent anime series, where they pay close attention to all the technical details of the guns and gear. Larry and I could fly to Japan to be advisors (hint hint, Funimation). The original soundtrack would have to be in English, though, and possibly dubbed into Japanese.

Dead Six would also make a great first person shooter, in my opinion. License the Frostbite engine they use in the Battlefield series, but make the campaign missions more open-ended. Let the player try different strategies for completing the mission vs. making the whole thing a rail shooter like most Call of Duty games. Plus, having a left-handed FPS protagonist (Valentine) would make me happy.

What’s something most people don’t know about Larry?

He’s not an animal person. I don’t get it, either, but if I had to guess? He grew up on a dairy farm. I think having animals that you don’t eat is just weird to him. He thinks it’s crazy and dumb that I go on road trips with my dog and my bird. I say he doesn’t know how hilarious it is to pull up to a toll booth and have a Conure shout “hello!” to the attendant. (A Colorado county sheriff’s deputy didn’t think it was so funny one time, though.)

A lot of his detractors would probably be shocked to learn just how charitable he is, too. I’m not going to get into any specifics, but he really pays it forward. He’s personally helped friends, family, and fans alike when they fell on hard times, sometimes in big ways. It’s easy to talk about helping your fellow man when your idea of “charity” is voting for politicians who will raise taxes or vote for social spending. It’s another thing altogether to pony up your own money, take a chunk out of your own budget, and use your success to help another human being.

The petty, jealous, small assholes who tear him down in virtual effigy probably don’t see it that way, but they’re probably all terrible people, too.

With this trilogy finished, what’s next for you?

In the works is the sequel to Her Brother’s Keeper, tentatively titled Heirs of Ithaca. I’m under contract for more books after that, including story of a father-son team of post-apocalyptic bounty hunters who pursue mutant collaborators of a failed alien invasion, and something I can only describe as retro-futuristic, noir adventure inspired by the look and feel of Alien, Blade Runner, and Cowboy BeBop. I also have a short story in the upcoming Monster Hunter anthology.

MHI Leatherbound Special LIMITED edition, Available for Preorder Now

This is quite possibly the most important thing you will ever preorder on Amazon…

Okay, seriously. This is a special limited edition, and when they’re gone, they are gone. So if you want one, grab it. They had me sign a few thousand tip in sheets, so these are all autographed too. It will shipping on December 6th, which makes it a perfect Christmas* gift for the MHI fan in your house.

*Full disclosure: A note on Amazon orders since we are heading into the Christmas shopping season. I don’t have ads or a tip jar or anything like that on this blog, but anytime you enter Amazon through any of the links on my blog, and then purchase anything (not just the item I linked to) I get a percentage of the money for the advertising referral. It is pretty sweet for me, and it doesn’t cost any extra to you. So if while you’re buying a book through one of my links and you also need to pick up a big screen TV, that’s cool too.  

 

Back when I first self published my little gun nut love song to monster movies I never thought it would get to the point where it would be popular enough we’d be doing things like special leather bound editions, or have an expanded universe with other authors writing in it. My fans are amazing. I love you guys. 🙂