All posts by correia45

Ahh… fanboys

I check my blog stats once in awhile to see where hits are coming from.  The most popular thing I’ve written on here is still the HK. Because you suck.  And we hate you mega rant.  That thing makes the rounds across all sorts of boards.  It has showed up on every gun board, car boards, video game boards, and even the Scented Candle Emporium & Teddy Bear Hospital forum. 

 

I follow these links back, and reading the HK Fanboy hate that is expressed is always priceless.  Let me give you an example of one that I just read:

 

http://3dgamenight.com/forums/m_219219/mpage_2/tm.htm  Post #34

 

Some dude named Zissky states that “it isn’t an accident that the extreme vast majority of both military and LE agencies around the world choose HK over all others

 

HA HA HA Snort!  You’ve got to be friggin’ kidding me.  Okay, maybe back in the glory days of us using 9mm subguns and MP5s, but now?  Okay, how many PDs carry HK?  How many carry Glock?  I’m not a Glock fan by any stretch of the imagination, but they own the domestic LE market.  Since the “extreme vast majority” uses HK, and last I checked, Glock owns the market, I’m having a hard time figuring that one out.

 

Military?  Okay, you’ve got… Germany, obviously.  Spain, because you know, they do a lot of fighting.  (blow up a subway and the whole country surrenders).  And… Lithuania?  Seriously, I do believe Lith SF uses a G36, or at least they had them in Afghanistan while our local SF group was deployed there.  Then there are a handful of other countries that have been conned by the conniving Tutons into buying the melty rifle.  Which is pretty sad, because a couple decades ago they managed to trick like 50 countries into buying the G3 (and most of them found themselves wishing they had gone with the FAL, but didn’t want to deal with those uppity Belgians)

 

There are a handful of people that do this stuff for a living that choose HK.  Good for them.  Most of the professional firearms instructors I know carry A. What their department mandates.  B.  Glock.  C.  A 1911 variant.  Or D. Everything else.  And D is made up of a lot of stuff, and in the years that I’ve been in the gun business, I’ve known a couple of professionals that chose the HK pistol.  And usually they’re blessed with the Germanic 4th Knuckle Master Grip that allows them to shoot the damn thing and its horrible trigger.

 

I suppose “The Extreme Vast Majority” of LE and military refers to people playing Rainbow Six.  Or he heard it on Future Weapons, so it must be real.

 

But this is the stuff that I enjoy.  the article was pure comedy, btw  the guy has no penis or the money to afford a proper weapon and will probably be settling for his SW auto and his SKS but that’s for another thread

 

Okay, random internet guy, let me address your concerns.  Yes, the article was comedy.  It made me laugh writing it.  Next, I do in fact have a penis.  I’m rather proud of it.  And no, this is not the kind of site where I will post pictures of it for you. 

 

As for the money to afford a proper weapon, I own a… wait for it… MACHINE GUN STORE.  I have a couple of guns. Since I post under my own name, anybody can drop by my shop (which actually exists in Draper, Utah, on Earth, and not just on the internet) and see the HK machine guns that we own.  (I know, critiquing something that you actually have experience with, rather than taking Future Weapons at its word?  Shocking)

 

That kind of post always makes me laugh.  Anytime a rabid fanboy reads a criticism of their chosen (overpriced) brand, then obviously the person doing the criticism must be poor.  It’s kind of like that one douchebag that asked “what is your life worth” because if you didn’t carry an HK, then it wasn’t worth much.  Your life is worth what it costs me to hire a crack head to kill you.  Period.  Just because you suck with money, and make poor purchasing decisions, and feel the need to blow $800-$1000 on a polymer handgun with poor ergonomics and a horrible trigger, or $1600+ on a neutered 10 shot rifle with a thumbhole stock, doesn’t make you a bad ass gunslinger. 

 

Rabid fanboys (not limited to just HK, but occurring with all brands, across all spectrums of the universe, from cars to blenders) always assume that the person they’re talking to is ignorant.  I’m willing to go out on a limb and bet that I’ve shot more rounds through HK weapons that your average HK fanboy.  (unless you count the rounds fired while playing Call Of Duty 4, because then they’ve probably got me beat pretty handily, but I’m talking about actual bullets, from a real gun).

 

As for the SW auto or the SKS, why yes, I would actually take a new production SW 1911 or M&P over a USP any day of the week. But what do I know?  I actually shoot guns, rather than just talk about them on the internet.  As for the SKS, people that actually know how to shoot don’t make fun of them.  When you aren’t hanging a bunch of cheap plastic garbage and faulty 30 round mags off of them, they actually work well, have a better trigger and usually shoot a better group than a G3.

 

Only I can buy 2 dozen decent SKS rifles for the price of a single original G3 and arm an entire Girl Scout troop.  But darn it, then I couldn’t brag on the internet about how super awesome my gun is because it was expensive, and built in Germany.  Which is ironic, since a couple of days ago, I posted a picture of myself with an MG3… But then again, what do I know?  I’m just jealous of your fancy HK. 

  

More fun from Barnes & Noble

Well, I was in stock there for a whole day. 

Now when you pull up my novel, you get this:

My readers are certainly a diverse bunch.  Kill monsters with chainsaws… love stories… yeah, I see the connection.

Somebody do me a favor and post a review over there.  It is looking kind of forlorn.  🙂

MHI is available on Barnes & Noble's page

www.bn.com now has Monster Hunter International available.  So far most of my online sales have been on Amazon.  So feel free to order over there too.  It’s bound to be in stock at one or the other on any given day.  Plus, if you feel like it, post reviews. 

I’m working on getting MHI into B&N stores right now.  Apparently the webpage warehouse and the store’s warehouse don’t share books. 

Strangely enough, when you search for Monster Hunter International on bn.com, you get this off to the side:

Related Categories

I’m not really sure how they came up with what was related, but the gay and lesbian thing might be a bit of a stretch.  People and cultures definately, because killing monsters is its own culture. Gender studies?  wtf?  Animals?  Yes, but the kind that eat Children. Not the kind that are children’s friends. Go figure.

Since we were taking pictures

steve-and-joe.jpgI swear, I’m physically incapable of not smiling like an idiot when I take a picture.  When you pose with a gun, you should look tough.  I can’ t help it, I just don’t have a “game” face. I’m the one on the MG3.  Our gunsmith, Joe has the camo AR, and Steve’s got the Barrett. 

Movie Review: Wendigo

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0275067/

 

I caught this on the Independent Film Channel last night.  Very, very rarely will I actually watch IFC, as I find most of their selections obnoxious and pretentious.  But I was flipping channels, and this one was about a monster!  And not only that, the commercial they played beforehand made it look awesome, with all sorts of twitchy, antler headed goodness. 

 

Plus, I had done research on the Wendigo legends, and there is one featured in a small role in my first novel.  And I made him creepy as hell.  So I like Wendigos.  Cannibalistic Shamans cursed to walk the earth?  How friggin’ cool is that?

 

So, I sat down to watch Wendigo, full of hope, and I’ve got to say, that it was one of the absolute worst, most annoying, boring, pretentious, and self-righteous pieces of garbage I’ve ever seen.

 

Let me break it down for you.  This one was so bad, that my lovely wife of 10 years, who usually hates monster movies, watched it with me, just so she could give it the MST3K treatment throughout.  I took notes on her comments, because though my snark-fu is strong, my wife is a 10th Dan Master Of Snark. 

 

Basically the plot is some New Yorkers and their Volvo go out to Connecticut, where they hit a deer, and then get scared by some rednecks, and then almost nothing happens for an hour, until you’re so damn bored your eye start to bleed, then somebody gets shot, and in the last couple of minutes, the Wendigo shows up, looks stupid, doesn’t even kill anybody, and then the movie ends. 

 

This movie pissed me off for a few reasons.  First off, the New Yorkers are obnoxious.  I could care less if they lived or died, and it wasn’t like the movie didn’t give us plenty of opportunities to get to know them, because all they do is talk and talk and talk and talk and talk for an HOUR.  This move is titled Wendigo, not Woody Allen’s Deer Monster, damn it! 

 

I’m not kidding about the talking.  And it wasn’t dialog that was pertinent to the movie.  There was one part where the puffy headed father has a five minute phone conversation (you only hear his half) where he talks about his photography job, and how the client didn’t like the lighting.  Then a scene later, the wife, who’s apparently a shrink, has a phone conversation with one of her clients, which has no bearing on the plot at all, only to have another call come in, that might possibly be related to the plot, only to put that caller on hold, and then go back to the inane conversation, only to come back to the plot related call, to find out that he’s hung up.

 

No, I’m not kidding.  Meanwhile Dewey from Malcom in the Middle is having nightmares, and we get to have scenes of psychobabble between the parents about their kid.  The boredom was palpable.  You could actually see the boredom collecting on the TV screen.  You could TASTE the boredom.  It tastes kind of like cauliflower. 

 

Secondly, apparently the scariest thing in the world to a New Yorker is a redneck.  Because when I think of terror, I think of some guy gutting a deer.  (honestly, that just makes me think of jerky).  Man, I don’t know about you, but I sure do wish I could be in a nice, safe, friendly place, like Manhattan, as opposed to a very unfriendly place like Danbury, Connecticut. 

 

At one point, we see a redneck kid, cleaning a deer, coated in blood, because you know, that’s how us hillbillies roll, always killing stuff with our blood soaked children.  Not like civilized folks from Manhattan, who buy their meat prepackaged.  There’s a subplot about bullet holes through the vacation home, because you know, there’s never any gunfire in New York, ‘cause that would be illegal.  Whereas in Danbury, you shoot somebody’s house, the sheriff don’t care, because that’s just life out in Red State Country.

 

But worst of all, is the artsy shots.  This movie clocked in at an hour and a half, but if you pulled out all of the slow cuts of trees, then it would have been thirty minutes.  There would be a scene, then a shot of trees, more trees, drift wood, fence posts, etc, then another small scene, then some trees, some more wood, some snow, oh wait, something new, a spider web!  And it went on like that for the whole movie.   It actually opened to slow artsy shots of Voltron and the Wolfman.  Sadly, that was the best part of the film.

 

The artsy shots did have one small payout.  They showed a shot of a sign for Numrich Gun Parts.  Shout out to my homies at Numrich.  They’ve got parts for everything, good service, and prices!

 

They go to a convenience store, and there are art shots of toy guns, and racist cartoons of Indians (pardon me, Native Americans).  Ironically the toy guns are from the ‘50s and ‘60s, which is pretty sweet, because not only when you leave the paved wonderland of New York City and travel to Hickville, you actually travel BACK IN TIME!  I think the director was trying to make a comment about something, but I was so bored at this point, I just couldn’t care.

 

Then an Indian gives Dewey a magic totem of a Wendigo, and sums up the legend. (in time with the boy’s choir version of creepy Indian music)  Note to self, if a mysterious stranger ever gives one of my kids a magic totem relating to the legend of a blood-thirsty spirit, leave the friggin’ thing there.  Sorry Correia kids, no evil totem for you…

 

When I made the comment that I wished the rednecks would show up and kidnap and torture the family or something, not only did my wife agree (and she doesn’t approve of torture movies) she thought that having a little bit of cannibalistic redneck massacre would be a definite improvement. 

 

Then, at over an hour into it, something happens.  They go sledding!  Yay!  Sledding!

 

Only the idiot father gets accidentally shot off the sled by the scary redneck.  (Remember kids, Rule #4 of gun safety, be aware of your target and its environment, comes right before Rule #5, no evil spirit totems in the house)  Then stuff actually starts to happen, only to slow down for more idiotic, obnoxious art shots (moon, trees, trees, driftwood, and GASP! Blood on the snow) and then the father, even though he’s just taken a high powered rifle round to the liver, monologues for like ten straight minutes, while the wife drives the Volvo to the hospital at, I kid you not, 12 miles an hour. 

 

Then the redneck hits the sheriff in the head with a hammer, and gets chased through the forest by a twitchy weredeer, or something, only to get hit by a car (in an oh so subtle touch) in the exact same manner as the deer that got hit by the Volvo at the beginning of the movie.  Yes, film school class, that’s called FORESHADOWING! 

 

So the father dies, and then the nurse comes out, and for some inexplicable film school reason, gives his shoes to his wife.  Yes, his shoes.  No, I don’t know why.  Quit asking.  But it does enable them to make another art shot of the shoes.  Moon.  Trees.  Trees.  Deer.  Snow.  Moon.

 

The end. 

 

Yes, it really was that bad.  And no, not in a good way.  If I want art, I’ll go look at art.  I don’t need somebody to hit me in the head with a hammer while screaming THIS IS ARTISTIC!  ART!  ART! 

 

Look, if a movie is going to be named after a monster, then it should actually have some monster in it.  If you rented a movie called ALLIGATOR!  Or GIANT ANTS!  Or ZOMBIE BUS DRIVER! You would expect some monster action, right?  No… Not this time.  You get angsty whiners, talking about how they don’t pay enough attention to their kid because they bring their work home, and dimwitted rednecks.  15 seconds of a guy in a fur suit with a deer head, and 3 seconds of some CGI branch spirit, and they never actually kill anybody?  Not only no, hell no. 

 Screw you, director of Wendigo.  No more monster movies for you.