Yes, it is time again for Fun With Hate Mail! This latest gem was posted to a thread from 7 months ago when President Obama talked about how us bestselling authors needed to pay our “fair share”.  http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2011/07/11/obama-says-im-not-off-the-hook/ 

First off, as a blogging rule of thumb, the older the post that the hate mail is posted to, the dumber the poster. If you really want to zing somebody, you should comment on the new posts, because then it might actually get read by somebody other than just the blog administrator. 7 months is quite a long time in internet terms. A year ago mammoths walked the internets. As evidence of this theory, you’ll notice that the dumbest hate mails are still being posted to the infamous HK, Because You Suck and We Hate You thread. “You don’t like them because your poor and cant afford them and cant shoot good and stuff! Herp de derp! Im a gonna go play Call of Duty cause I know all bout guns!!”

I don’t comment on most hate mail, only the particularly dumb, but I feel that this one really illustrates a few things about what is wrong with the world today. This is from Opa, completely unedited and in all of his incoherent glory. Keep in mind that this was relating to a post about me thinking that Americans are overtaxed. You really should read that linked post to get an idea of just how off base this jackass is before continuing on.

larry, my what a whiny cry baby you seem to be. am going to finish the book but it will be a struggle. why are you not pleased and happy to be in a country where freedomm allows you to accumulate large sums of money from the sale of your product. those of us that read your writings are just trying to escape a reality of humdrum existance, jobs that seemingly do not matter,and work with and for persons that seem to be more interested in personal power accumulation and wealth rather than the betterment of our job’s product. gone is the dream of being part of a team that matters, a team that builds the best lathe in the world or the best toaster or the best automobile. etc etc give us some escape that is all we ask and quite frankly, just pay your taxes and quit bitching. be happy, you could be poor like the rest of us.

First off, Opa… Is that short for Oprah? What do you have against capital letters? What did they ever do to you?

There is just so much ignorance in that clot of unpunctuated nonsense that I’m going to have to break this down to respond in an orderly manner.

larry, my what a whiny cry baby you seem to be.

Why is it that whenever anybody strays from the accepted groupthink and says that the government spends too much of our money, then we’re just whiners?  (you’ll note, I addressed this in the prior post, because the only time liberals say you should be proud to live in America is when you are paying taxes, but the rest of the time they hate the place and want to change it into something else). 

 am going to finish the book but it will be a struggle.

I’m actually surprised that: A. You are capable of reading a book without pictures. B. Were able to figure out how to purchase said book from a store or check one out of a library.

Why is it that if a writer/artist/actor/musician comes out of the closet as a right winger, then they should be shunned and blacklisted, but if you’re a left winger you can hang out with brutal dictators or rape 13 year olds and win awards by the pound?

why are you not pleased and happy to be in a country where freedomm allows you to accumulate large sums of money from the sale of your product.

Why are you unable to use basic punctuation? Diagram that sentence, kids. Holy moly…

And for the record, I love America. I love capitalism. I love freedom, even without the extra m at the end. Here’s a better question. I’ve got one country that has all that cool stuff listed. You’ve got like a hundred shitty pseudo-socialist ones where you can give all the fruits of your labor over to the gigantic central government to be redistributed to the nonproductive as they see fit. Why don’t you move to one of those paradises and leave me alone? 

those of us that read your writings are just trying to escape a reality of humdrum existance, jobs that seemingly do not matter,

WTF? Seriously? If you’re going to send me hate mail, at least try to write it so that you don’t sound like a Nigerian prince trying to move his bank account out of the country. 

I think I understand what you’re trying to say. Let me paraphrase. You are stupid, apathetic, or lazy, and are thus trapped in a menial job that doesn’t matter. Because your life sucks, entertainers should not be allowed to have opinions that differ. You don’t want to be offended, don’t read my blog.

and work with and for persons that seem to be more interested in personal power accumulation and wealth rather than the betterment of our job’s product.

Guess what, jackass. The people that are more interested in accumulating wealth don’t stay stuck in “humdrum existance” because we work our asses off, gain skills, and then get better paying jobs.

Those of us who have done this tend to not like paying stupid amounts of taxes. You’ve got a crappy job so you probably don’t pay much if any taxes, but you sure feel justified calling those of us who foot the bill whiners.

Let me break it down for you. I have a day job. It pays really good because I’ve got a set of skills that are useful and necessary. It took over a decade of hard work to gain the experience to get to a really good management position with a good company. I have a bunch of money taken out of each check to pay taxes. I have a second career that pays me extremely well because I’ve got a set of skills that are rare and commercially valuable. I pay quarterly tax withholdings for my royalties. My 4^th quarter tax bill was enough to buy a new Hyundai. Judging from your meager ability to communicate, you are probably something like a Junior Assistant Hog Ejaculator down at the pig farm.*

     * No offense intended to anyone that actually ejaculates hogs for artificial insemination purposes for a living. I’m sure you provide a valuable service, but man, you really do win the award for worst job ever.  

Don’t give me that crap about the betterment of our job’s product, like that is mutually exclusive from accumulating wealth. That’s loser talk. Bettering your product is how you make more money and move up in the world. If you actually produced good work, then you wouldn’t be trapped in your humdrum job for very long. My bet is that you are another apathetic sack of crap motivated by jealousy and shame. Is it cold out there at Occupy Wall Street?

Or as Sean Connery once said, the losers talk about doing their best, winners go home and **** the prom queen.

gone is the dream of being part of a team that matters, a team that builds the best lathe in the world or the best toaster or the best automobile.

I wasn’t aware that we had fallen so far behind in Toaster Technology. But this is just more loser talk, none of which has anything to do with the post you were hate mailing me about, Oprah.

You’re bagging on me for thinking the government is too big, powerful, and stupidly wasteful, and in the same message you go on to lament America’s flagging greatness… Does that much cognitive dissonance hurt? Ask anybody that runs a business (you know, the folks that build teams and manufacture awesome toasters) what their greatest hurdle is? If it is anything like when I was in business for myself, or any business I’ve ever worked for, the answer is going to be the government screwing with you.

etc etc

Normally the etceteras come after the period.

give us some escape that is all we ask and quite frankly, just pay your taxes and quit bitching.

Bread and circuses! Now!

Actually, that isn’t all “we” ask for. This blog gets a lot of daily hits. You are in a distinct minority. That is what you ask for, because you are pathetic and divergent thoughts make your head hurt.

And by the way, I do pay my taxes. I probably paid more this month than you made all year gently caressing pigs.

be happy, you could be poor like the rest of us.

Wow, pity party. Poor is a state of mind. I’ve been broke. I’ve held crappy jobs, been underpaid and underappreciated. I’ve lost my job and been unemployed. Almost everybody has at some point. That’s life. The difference between you and me is that I actually did stuff to improve my circumstances. That’s what us power and wealth accumulators do that you hate so much. Until you wrap your brain around that, you will remain a loser.   

So I disagree with having the government take a bunch of my money to give to people like you and I’m a whiner, then you go on to cry about everyone that has more than you do. Hypocrite… I write a couple of books a year and you can’t write a single coherent paragraph. Yet, I’m supposed to be happy that I donate a few hundred hours of my writing time every year to the government to squander on stupid crap? Of course I’m pissed off!  If you aren’t pissed off then you haven’t been paying attention.

Continued from: http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2011/12/16/the-burning-throne-episode-9-traitors-rice-merchants/ 

Christmas is over, so back to posting updates of this serial. 

Kuni Magatsu was a new addition to the group, played by novelist Paul Genesse. Paul is exceedingly hard core. Paul is an awesome guy, and when he games, he is one of those really intense personalities that really gets into it. So what better for him than an extremely powerful, possibly insane, face paint wearing, brutally efficient wizard, who happens to think that he is prophetic, but only when he is drunk.

At this point the novelists involved have gotten rather geeky and the fictions are getting more elaborate. I wrote this next part, and basically dumped an absurdly impossible task onto poor Steve’s character: Find a way to marry this guy who is one step above barbarian to a princess.  

Twelfth Entry

From the journal of Hida Makoto, Crab Clan. 

The Brotherhood of the Paper Lantern…

As I study the characters, I have to marvel at the wisdom of Ide Todo. Paper Lanterns shed light upon the darkness. They are humble, nothing as precious as emerald or jade, yet paper is everywhere. We are officially accepted in the lands of the Dragon, Unicorn, Crab, and Lion, yet we are only a mere group of wandering magistrates, no threat to any local lords. As Todo-sama uses his humility as a weapon in the courts, so shall we use it across the lands.  

Zuko has been appointed to be the second in command of our Brotherhood. I’m sure he will do a fine job, though I must admit that I am disappointed that I was not chosen. I was certain that since I had more military experience that Todo-sama would have picked me, but he said that he had political reasons, and something about how this showed that regardless of clan or background, someone could be a leader in our new organization, and other such courtier talk. It does not matter. To a samurai, pride is a sin. Where he leads, I will follow.

Luckily, Zuko is sharp, and said he’d use me for bossing around the troops. I still think he would’ve made a good Crab.

Ikoma Katsu, the Lion bard, has decided to follow us. I’m sure he will write more songs about how brave Todo-sama was while I was busy being stabbed or Zuko was being set on fire. My brother informed me that he was dispatching Kuni Magatsu to accompany us, and that I was to be the shugenja’s yojimbo. This troubles me, because Kuni… Well… let us just say that the Kuni can be very different. The last Kuni I dealt with had been enjoying himself entirely too much while cutting off Ide Tong’s fingers. It did not help that Kenzan said that Magatsu was particularly unnerving even by Kuni standards.

Great… I’m a glorified armor carrier for a Kuni madman and an anti-social minor-clan former-ronin is my gunso… Kisada, you sure do have a sense of humor.

Kenzan complimented me for my “surprisingly successful” service thus far. His words ring hollow now. He is my lord, and thus I will do as he commands, but what he intended as praise tastes of mockery. Though I can see newfound respect in the eyes of many of my Crab brothers, Kenzan still judges me by the sins of my blood. I held my tongue during our meeting. There is nothing for me to say to him now. The mountain will endure.

Thirteenth Entry

From the journal of Hida Makoto, Crab Clan. 

Over the last few weeks, we have travelled deep into Dragon lands. Kuni Magatsu is a pleasant enough travelling companion, for a frightening, disturbing, possibly insane Earth shugenja. He is a tall man, who I have yet to see without his traditional white and red face paint. Normally I would make a joke about geishas, but I do not think I wish to joke about Magatsu-san. Ever. The Shinjo men have taken to calling him Magatsu no Oni behind his back. They are mistaken. I have fought two Oni in my life, and I would rather face another than Kuni Magatsu.

Our guide is named Mirumoto Hiro. He appears proficient. He does not like ronin Rei, recognizing him as having been cast out of the Dragon.  Too bad, Hiro. Rei, I trust. You, I do not yet.

Each day we climb higher. We have encountered few Yobanjin and countless refugees. The Yobanjin were swiftly dispatched. The refugees… They shuffle by in an endless stream, many carrying their charred belongings on their back. I do not know how to explain it, but their starving eyes haunt me as I try to sleep. Though we are here to help them, the peasants are scared of us. This troubles my thoughts, and I do not understand why.

Despite continuing to pray to the Fortunes for guidance, I have not felt as if I’ve been making progress in my mission. Perhaps I have lacked sufficient determination. The Fortunes have placed me in the company of Ide Todo for a reason. At times it seems impossible, for surely Otomo Yuni is too valuable to the Empire to be wasted on such as I, and will be betrothed to some daimyo. If I am to marry Otomo Yuni as Kisada has commanded, then I must find a way to increase my worthiness. So I have asked a favor of Ide Todo. He has agreed to serve as my marriage arranger. He was very helpful and certain of success… Oh, who am I kidding? He thinks I’ve been in the sun too long without a hat, but Todo-sama is the most honest man I have ever known, so since he has agreed to do this thing, I’m certain it will be done.

The Nakado

Ide Todo looked up from his journal as the tent flap was lifted. The sudden night wind caused the candles to flicker. It was always windy and cold in the Dragon mountains. His yojimbo, Moto Khano appeared and bowed respectfully. “Hida Makoto wishes to speak with you.”

“Send him in.” Todo cleaned the ink from the quill with a piece of silk and placed everything carefully back into his calligraphy set. His musings on his own personal inadequacies would have to wait. The Crab had served loyally since the days fighting the Red Sun. Though sometimes clumsy, painfully awkward in the courts, and seeming to suffer from a curse of bad luck, Makoto was a fearsome bushi, smarter than he looked, and most importantly to Ide Todo, could always be counted on to give an honest assessment of any situation.

Makoto entered, having to crouch in order to not rip the canvas of the tent’s roof with the ornamental crab claws on his helmet. It was rare to see a Crab out of its shell. Todo suspected that whenever they were outside of the walls of a city, Makoto even slept in his armor. The giant bowed. “Todo-sama.”

“Please, sit.” Makoto knelt with a clank of metal on metal. As the Crab removed his helmet, Todo asked, “So, Makoto-san, what do you think of this shugenja that Hida Kenzan has assigned to us?”

“I believe that when goblins have nightmares, they dream of Kuni Magatsu.”

“Oh… Yes. Well then… What do you wish to speak about?”

“I have come to ask a favor of you.” Makoto paused for a long time, scowling, as if trying to think of the words.

“Please continue. We have travelled together and you have served our cause with unwavering loyalty. You have helped defend my people. The Ide are always prepared to help a friend.”

“Well.” Makoto cleared his throat. “It would honor me greatly, if you would serve as my nakado.”

“Your match maker?”

“Yes.” Makoto bowed again.

Todo was a bit taken back. “You wish for me to arrange your marriage?”

“Only once our mission is complete of course.”

“I am aged forty-two years and have never wed. What do I know about marriage? I do not believe I am suited—”

It was extremely rude to cut off someone of greater status, but Makoto tended to forget such social niceties. “You are the most skilled courtier I have ever seen.”

“You have not seen many courtiers.”

“I have seen enough. I believe that the Fortunes have guided me to you for this purpose.”

Ide Todo had never thought about it, but Makoto was in his early twenties and unwed. His education on the other clans suggested that Crab tended to marry young, because the life expectancy of a warrior on the Wall was the shortest in the Empire. Also, it was well known that the Crab were by far the most casual and least complicated of all the clans on the subject of finding a spouse. So it was rather surprising that young Makoto was not yet betrothed, but he also knew from the way the other Crab in Shiro Shinjo had treated Makoto that there was something dark in this particular Crab’s past. That would explain his need for a nakado.

“Would this not be a task better suited for your brother? He is of rather high rank among your people.”

“Kenzan and I, we are in… disagreement on this subject. My family will not help in this endeavor, but they will not stand in the way either. I need an outsider. I know it is customary for a family to pay for the services of a nakado, but I have very few koku—”

“It is not necessary—”

“So I will pay you in dead Yobanjin. You may set the number necessary in order to secure your homeland. I defer to your wisdom on such financial matters.”  

Ide Todo sighed. It was the nature of the Ide to be helpful. Their purpose was one of reconciliation, and Makoto was sincere. “Very well. I will use my skills to help you find a bride.”

“Thank you, Todo-sama, but I do not need help finding one. I know who I must marry. I only wish for you to find what is necessary to secure this agreement, and then arrange it.”

This did not sound too difficult. He had no training as a nakado, but they had covered the fundamentals of the practice in the Ide dojo. It should prove simple enough to send a message the Crab maiden’s family to find out what terms would be acceptable. The actual identity of the suitor could even be kept secret at this early stage of the negotiations. “Very well.”

“Thank you, Todo-sama. I will kill a multitude of Yobanjin on your behalf.”

“So what is the name of this lucky girl?”

“Otomo Yuni.”

Ide Todo tilted his head to the side. Had he heard incorrectly? “Did you say Otomo?”

Makoto nodded. “Yes.”

Ide Todo laughed. Oh, Makoto had certainly gotten him. He had not known the Hida had such a sense of humor. The idea of a simple Wall bushi marrying a daughter of one of the most powerful women in the Empire was preposterous. Gradually, he realized that Makoto was scowling at him. His laughter died off. The Crab was not joking. He was completely serious. “But she’s the daughter of…”

“I am aware of her station.”

“How do you even know of her? Have you ever even seen her?”

“Briefly. Once. It is a long story.”

He dreaded what he had to say next, but Ide Todo was incapable of lying. “You realize that what you are asking is impossible? She is a lady of the Imperial court. Her hand will be sought by clan champions and daimyos.”

“I am aware. I will confide in you something that I have only ever told my lord, and I would ask you to keep my secret. The Fortunes themselves have decreed that Otomo Yuni will become a daughter of Hida and my wife. Kisada told me to do this and he is the one that ordered me to follow you. I know that I am not worthy… Yet. But I will be. You will teach me what I must know as far as courtly things, and I hope that winning this war will shower us with sufficient glory.”   Makoto bowed, picked up his helm, tetsubo, and rose to leave. “Thank you, Todo-sama.”

Ide Todo rubbed his face with both hands. This was ridiculous, but he had just said he would help. Sometimes it was very difficult to be an Ide. “Is there anything else you wish to drop on me, Makoto-san?”

“Well… My grandfather was an eta. The Otomos probably won’t like that much either, but nothing we can’t handle. It is my turn on watch now. Good night, Todo-sama. With you as my nakado, we cannot fail.”

To Be Continued next week with the Lighting of the Paper Lanterns:  http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2012/01/06/the-burning-throne-episode-11-lighting-the-paper-lanterns/

I just barely got this. This is the cover of the new hardcover omnibus called The Monster Hunters. It contains MHI, MHV, and MHA. 

What do you get for the hard to shop for man in your life? Out of ideas?

How about a samurai war club?

Because nothing says Christmas like a 14 pound stick that could brain a walrus.

This is what my kids got me. It is completely impractical. It is ridiculously huge. I have no idea what I’m going to do with it.  It is totally awesome.  🙂 

Somebody on Facebook called it “bedazzled lumber”. Indeed. Iron Guard Toru tried to kill Jake Sullivan with one of these in TGC: Spellbound. (only his was made out of steel and weighed 80 pounds, but I don’t have super powers, so I’ll stick with wood).  I’m hard to shop for, so massive props to my children for thinking outside the box.

I’ve read a lot of short fiction in my life. If you would ask me to pick my one absolute favorite, it would be Tabloid Reporter to the Stars by Nebula award winner Eric James Stone. I originally read it out of an Intergalactic Medicine Show anthology (if I recall correctly). I’d read it, thought it was awesome, and then wound up meeting Eric at a convention and didn’t realize he was the guy that had written it. 

Eric has since gone on to become like the baddest dude in short fiction. I believe I heard that Orson Scott Card said that Eric is the best short story writer out there. And like I said, he won the Nebula last year. (and then we both got our asses kicked at the Hugos).

But anyway, here it is. Seriously, it is a blast. I will not spoil it, but this story is great. And I just found out that today only it is FREE on the Kindle store.  You should really go snag it. It is free until midnight.

http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?lt1=_blank&bc1=000000&IS2=1&bg1=FFFFFF&fc1=000000&lc1=0000FF&t=monshuntnati-20&o=1&p=8&l=as4&m=amazon&f=ifr&ref=ss_til&asins=B004PLO7E0