First off, none of these are going to be April Fools jokes, because April Fools isn’t as fun when the regular news is already this absurd and insane every day.
Okay, I am back from my most recent one month ban from social media, so it has now become tradition for me to do a catch-up post of all the daily news events I would have commented on during that time, if Mark Zuckerburg wasn’t an evil lizard person in a human skin suit, dedicated to destroying freedom.
A. Far more important than any of the other stuff that happened like WW3 or the complete disintegration of American society, I had a new book come out. So that’s pretty cool. You guys should quit doom scrolling for a bit and read more books. SERVANTS OF WAR
B. Just like last time I’m not going to pretend to be an expert on global geo-politics, but I would like to express special thanks to Ukraine for proving what fucking dipshits democrat politicians like Eric Swalwell are for previously declaring that a bunch of hillbilly rednecks with our AR-16s could never hope to stand up to a government with tanks and attack helicopters.
C. However I will dabble as an amateurish global geo-political expert (I’ve still got a better track record of guessing than MUH EXPERTISE Tom Nichols!) long enough to pontificate that it’s probably a bad idea to farm out all your nation’s energy production to a psychopathic KGB agent with nukes, because you didn’t want to make Greta Thurnburg cry.
D. Last war comment I promise… but holy shit I want some Javelin missiles. I own enough small arms to equip a rifle platoon but I am sorely lacking in anti tank missiles. Get on that, 3D printing community!
E. The stupidest bit of news to grab headlines is The Slap Heard Around The World. My comments on that are as follows.
E2. Lots of people think that was faked for ratings. Nope. Neither of those two are a good enough actors. Also, the Academy sure as shit isn’t going to talk a guy who is up for best actor to do something that is going to make him look like an idiot on the biggest night of his life, while bringing back all the memes about how he’s a cuck and his wife is a tramp.
(also, the whole body language break down where Chris Rock smiled after ergo fake… That’s pretty normal when somebody *nice* is trying to process that their social contract just got violated, because our society teaches people to smile to show that everything is okay even when its not. Very bad people understand this and watch for that when picking victims.)
E3. All the people going off about “Honor Culture”, snort, I grew up in poor but proud dairy farmer country. That wasn’t an honorable act. That was the straw that broke the cuckhold’s back, and he lost his shit. Actual “Honor Culture” would have been taking a crow bar to the cranium of the guy who was banging his wife. (which is probably why a bunch of the guys I went to high school with are in prison!)
E4. Also, the people talking about slapping vs. punching, lol. Trust me on this one, but sometimes slapping the shit out of a dude works better than punching them. It is more insulting/degrading, so is more of a corrective insult than an actual beating. Plus, you don’t risk breaking your finger, which sucks.
F. It turns out Alan Ritchson is based because after The Slap, he called Will Smith a petulant man baby, mocked his open marriage as being a train wreck, and then quoted the New Testament. Good thing that guy already got a second season because otherwise he would be toast for talking that kind of sense! This one gets a different letter though because I watched Reacher and it was actually pretty good, being an old school throw back show where a big tough guy solves problems by beating/shooting bad people. So way to go, big guy! (who is still 3 inches shorter than me and the actual book character, but Hollywood is made of tiny people so I’ll take it)
F1. Lee Child clearly knows jack shit about guns though. The TV show was faithful to that part!
G. Oh, so NOW the proper media admits that the Hunter Biden laptop is legit! I seem to recall catching one of my many 30 day bans from Facebook for talking about that before the election. Go figure. It was almost like Big Tech and media corporations were actively colluding to swing an election in favor of their corrupt candidate or something. Naw. That’s crazy conspiracy talk. I’m sure this was an innocent mistake. I’ll eagerly await my apology from Mark Zuckerburg, censorious lizard man.
G2. This laptop is a big fucking deal. There is some shit on there that is downright nefarious. Mark my words. The fact that the mainstream news is talking about this now is indicative of much bigger things being afoot. Biden is such an incompetent piece of shit that he is threatening to destroy the DNC’s powerbase for a generation. My guess is that this is laying the groundwork to get rid of the albatross from their neck.
H. Only judging by the polling, too late, assholes! You have pushed too far. You have forgotten the lessons of your lefty forefathers. To push your insidious shit you have to boil the frog slowly. Instead you cranked the heat to 11 and broke off the knob, and now the frogs are pissed. I tortured some metaphors there, but you get the idea. The left has shot their wad, shown their true selves, and now regular sane people have woken up to their scam.
I. Earlier this year I predicted that America has hit Peak Woke. Many of you said I was crazy. Nope. I think this is it. Don’t get me wrong. They’ll still keep pushing harder and harder for crazier and fringier things. What I mean is that we hit the national carrying capacity of how much shit regular normal people are willing to put up with before pushing back. It will still take years, but I can feel the change in the air. The Woke will become increasingly irrelevant as a social movement until they’re looked upon by most people as a joke like unto the hippies of old.
J. I went on Rekeita Law. That was cool. I was on there for five hours. The highlight was my dramatic reading of Daily Unbreaded. I almost made it through a whole page without losing it.
K. Speaking of podcasts, I also did Blasters and Blades again, this time with Steve Diamond. Wow. It sure would be nice to promote these things at the actual pertinent time in the place where most of my fans congregate, Mark Zuckerburg, you forked tongued lizard creature.
L. I almost forgot! The infamous Don’t Say Gay bill that doesn’t actually have Don’t Say Gay anywhere in it! This one is extra funny, because there are two competing narratives. The conservative one, which happens to actually match the actual text of the law, where school teachers aren’t allowed to talk to your five year olds about sex stuff VS. some lefty bullshit about how this is the Handmaid’s Tale x1000. Remember what I said about the left forgetting to boil the frog slowly? This is the left taking a flame thrower to your frogs.
L2. This is creepy weirdo groomer shit. Because the most important issue in the world to the left is their right to talk to other people’s kids about sex. Keep in mind that this law is specifically about kids who haven’t lost their baby teeth yet, who often think they are dinosaurs or robots. It wasn’t enough to teach older kids that they are inherently evil for existing, and all they have to do is declare they are some alternate sexuality to get out of the oppressor class and claim some awesome victim cred.
L3. So now that the Biden Administration is done giving out free crack pipes, they can switch to handing out puberty blockers. Because we all know nobody makes sane and rational, rest of their life altering decisions like emotional basket case teenagers. (Note: This one isn’t even satire. They’re actually pushing for that.)
M. So along comes Disney to tell parents to shut up and let crazy people indoctrinate their kids. This gets its own letter because if it wasn’t this issue, it would be something else bringing this all to a head. Because the left has been using their disproportionate ability to bring social pressure against corporations to do their bidding for a very long time. And the right is just starting to wake up to this (even though guys like me have been getting told to shush by our polite betters as we’ve been talking about this growing culture war for a decade).
M2. that leaked Disney management zoom call is kinda hilarious. Hey, corporate world, I know you thought it was cool to hire SJWs, but when you get a critical mass of them, they will inevitably fuck up your business. And whatever your core mission is will get replaced by social justice bullshit instead.
N. On the bright side, all of this culture war stuff has gotten us the best razor commercial ever.
N1. We are going to see more and more of this in the business world. The left has spent a lot of time and energy driving us wrong thinkers out of society. The problem is, those people they are pushing out are pretty fucking smart (especially since they’re usually the ones who built the industries the left is squatting in).
N2. This is turning into a post with lots of predictions, but watch. The left has gotten away with their bullshit in most industries because the masses have been under the illusion that these people must be appeased or else. As that illusion crumbles, so does the left’s power. Switches will get flipped. They only have power because they are disproportionately loud and run the institutions that people get information from. As the people lose faith in those institutions, they’ll look elsewhere.
O. In sorta related news, until then- fuck your women’s sports. That was nice while it lasted. Seriously lady athletes, that is going to continue until you take a stand and fight back.
O1. My governor Spencer Cox is an invertebrate squish. Rather than do the right thing, he does the *nice* thing. (Utah is the natural habitat of the Great White RINO) Luckily the Utah legislature overruled his veto.
P. Remember where I said I couldn’t make any April Fools jokes today? That’s because we live in a world that has gone so nuts that a SCOTUS nominee can’t come out and say what a woman is because it’ll cause the left to get the vapors and retire to their fainting couches.
P1. This same SCOTUS nominee gives such lenient sentences to pedophiles that the only guy to serve less hard time is Jussie Smollett!
Q. Oh yeah, Jussie “I am not suicidal!” Smollett went to jail for a hot minute. Then he said jail is sad and scary so they let him out. Which just goes to show that all this talk about White Privilege is total bullshit. The real privilege in America is Connected Liberal Privilege.
Q2. Don’t believe me about Connected Liberal Privilege? Imagine instead of Alec Baldwin, Adam Baldwin had shot somebody on a movie set. He’d be in jail right now. (only this wouldn’t happen, because Adam is smart, and understands how gun works). Or even better, imagine any non-leftist–regardless of skin color–had gone up on stage and bitch slapped Chris Rock. It would be the end of the fucking world.
Q3. Ironically, Connected Liberal Privilege overshadows everything else, because if you want to see some real crazy hate, follow somebody trans or gay on Twitter who says “Hey, woke mega corps and the state should stop trying to indoctrinate kindergartners, and this is making us look nuts.” The resulting REEEEEEE is off the charts!
R. I almost forgot our “booming economy”! As a former accountant… Hahahahahahahahaha. 😀 That’s so patently fucking ridiculous I don’t even know what to say about that. My stock portfolio still hasn’t recovered from the crash after Biden tried to talk for two hours, inflation has gone batshit, and gas is bonkers. But don’t worry. The government says poor people should just go buy $50,000 electric cars.
S. On that note, apparently if you say that electric tractors are a joke on Twitter, thousands of insane Watermelons (green on the outside, red on the inside) will come yell at you for weeks. So that’s now something I’m an expert on!
S2. Seriously, that one was hilarious. I don’t hate EVs (I bought Tesla stock early!), but Watermelons were showing me tractors that had 3000 foot extension cords. 😀
T. Speaking of the Martian Emperor, Elon is by far my favorite billionaire, because not only does he infuriate all the right idiots, Yard Moose Mountain finally has fast internet. Thank you Star Link. My K/D ratio has shot up dramatically!
U. On that note, the free to play game Enlisted is actually pretty damn good. I’ve got a shocking amount of play out of it so far and I’m still not bored.
V. There is a rumor that Utah AG Reyes is gunning for Mitt Romney when he is up in the primary. Good. Mitt Romney is a ziplock bag of hair gel. I’ve met Reyes a couple times (once was FanX because it turns out he’s a geek), but he gets my vote just for back during the election, having Utah join the Texas lawsuit, and when our shitty governor Gary “Fuckface Tried To Murder My Wife Because He Was So Scared Of Covid He Wouldn’t Let Hospitals Treat Cancer” Herbert cried about it, Reyes basically told him the AG was elected by the people, not the governor, so he was going to do what the people wanted.
So good luck and happy RINO hunting.
W. This one is cheating, because it was the day after my ban was over, but FenCon announced that I am their writer Guest of Honor. Immediately a bunch of Caring Leftists threw a temper tantrum and demanded that I get kicked out because of my evil badthink. But FenCon issued a statement and stuck to their guns. So that was refreshing! I’ve found it’s about 50/50 when SJWs throw a tantrum if the event caves and kicks me out or not.
X. Did I mention y’all need to read more books? SERVANTS OF WAR came out! Yes. I know this is cheating, but that’s a lot of letters and I can’t remember what else happened this month.
Y. FREE SPACE. (I make the rules here!)
Z. Bridget and I celebrated our 24th anniversary. I know this might not count as news to you guys, but I think it’s pretty bad ass! 😀