The Super Dumbness Continues, Mike Glyer Edition

Uh oh! There is a new wrinkle in our brave struggle to protect Krasanovian sovereignty!  Sure, thousands of you had fun over the last few days, with your hash tags, and your memes, and flags, and cartoons, and t-shirts, and dividing into rival camps to wage brutal and imaginary guerilla warfare against each other, and commemorative waffle makers, HOWEVER it turns out that for the last 48 hours you were all having WRONGFUN!

It appears that my antics have once again upset the feces encrusted hulk that is Mike Glyer of File 770, and forced him to roll his bloated, corpulent, husk up from his gravy pit long enough to slap his greasy, sausage-like appendages against his computer keyboard. (oh how the mind recoils at the thought of the horrors that poor webcam has seen!)

This screen cap was posted to my fan page this morning:


First off, my Krasnovian comrades, don’t blame Pinelandia for this vile creature. Not even the Pinelandians would harbor such foulness. For this one we can all put our differences aside, reach across the aisle, and agree that Mike Glyer and the denizens of Fandom’s Prolapsed Anus (AKA File 770) are fucking scumbags.

I was shocked, shocked I tell you, to discover that China Mike was concerned enough about this dangerous wrongfun being had that he disregarded my previous warning to keep my name out of his whore mouth.

Oh, I can see that some of our newcomers are confused what I’m talking about. Then for new readers, let me present to you-

Mike Glyer: A Retrospective in Fuckery

Okay. See, what happens is that every six months to a year or so Mike Glyer—who is a Lyme disease carrying tick latched onto the diseased hindquarters of fandom—gets desperate for more traffic for his shitty gossip blog, so he talks about me, and that gets his audience of has-beens, never-weres, shrieking harpies of tolerance, and psycho stalkers all fired up again, which is apparently good for his ratings, or ego, or whatever.  Beats me, and I’ve been doing this for years.

Anyways, his talking about me continues until I write something mocking the shit out of him (and have you seen the guy? That’s a whole lot of shit!) which ends up as the top search result for his name and his stupid website, and then he whines about me being profane, but then he usually shuts up for a while. Until the cycle repeats.

As for me, I only mention him whenever I feel like it, usually because I’m having a discussion about the most fucked up, pathetic, petty, basement dwelling, wannabe Stasi, gassy, bloviating, fat fish in a dirty pond, parasitic, fucktards who create absolutely nothing of value yet who’ve nominally latched onto the publishing business in order to tear down artists who do actually create… And I need an example (it takes less time to type out the word Glyer than it does Camelstraw Fellepdouche or Frau Butthurt) and then everybody knows exactly what kind of slimeball I’m talking about.

Hmmm… Glyer… It’s like shorthand for douche.

Now some of you might be wondering why of the many idiots I deal with why this one in particular always holds a special place in my dumpster of disdain. For those of you who are new here, let’s have a little history refresher as to why Mike Glyer is a scumbag.

In this one, I break down in great detail his sleazy methods of gas lighting and bullying authors:

The very best part of this one is at the very end, when Glyer is so full of himself that he accidentally put up a screen shot revealing that 97% of his much bragged about blog traffic that made his page so SUPER IMPORTANT was from CHINESE BOTS.  

I shit you not. It was the worst self-immolation in the history of the internet. Monks who set fire to themselves to protest wars were all like, damn dude, chill. That’s why we started calling him China Mike.

Here’s another one, where he chums the water for his gang of psychos to try and smear and ruin the careers of authors who don’t toe the line:

And a personal favorite of mine after he forgot to keep my name out of his whore mouth:  Here’s an excerpt:

Hate is a strong word. I don’t hate many things. But I hate File 770.

You know how they say “I wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire”? If Mike Glyer was on fire, I’d want to piss on him, but I wouldn’t be able to, because blubber and compacted feces is highly flammable, so it wouldn’t be safe to approach such a tremendous blaze. Glyer is basically 400 pounds of old timey lamp oil in a skin sack. So I’d have to wait three days for the flames to die down, and then I’d piss on the ashen grease stain that remained.

If you hung Glyer from a tree and beat him like a piñata, instead of candy, he would bleed gravy and lies. Only you’d have to find a really sturdy tree branch, and you’d probably need a livestock hoist, so though satisfying, wouldn’t be worth the effort.


Now Back to Our Show –

This is a relatively little one compared to his previous whore mouth transgressions (but for Glyer, I’m basically Candyman. Say my name, bitch, and I appear). However that screen cap is valuable in that it once again illustrates perfectly how Glyer works. He’s basically the living embodiment Brandollini’s Bullshit Asymmetry Principle in that it takes an order of magnitude more effort to point out everything wrong with his bullshit that it did for him to create it.

So he’s all about the leading lines and selective quotes, so that his meaning is always perfectly clear, yet afterwards he can act all innocent and pretend he did nothing offensive. His usual schtick for authors he’s trying to smear follows a pretty basic formula.  He writes a passively aggressive insulting headline, then some out of context quotes, usually some bit where the author with the wrong politics got wronged BUT how that’s actually foolish. Silly author. Only authors Glyer likes can be wronged. Any bits that back up the smearee’s point are ignored, and if you’re talking about the issue in a fun way and you’re not upset at all, he’ll manipulate it to ignore the fun in order to portray you as super upset for no logical reason.

And sure, he puts up the links (sometimes), but honestly between his traffic being so shitty and his audience being such an echo chamber of finger shaking scolds who already know everything about everything, none of them actually click the link to read the original. They see Glyer’s dumbfuck take smearing people they already don’t like, reflexively agree, and then yammer in the comments about how superior and virtuous they are compared to those horrible people who vote wrong and believe whatever it is Glyer led them to believe horrible people think.

That’s all sorts of fucked up, dishonest, psycho-wrangling. I really hope this piece of shit never raised children. Glyer calls me obscene but I’d much rather be honest and profane that whatever the fuck he’s supposed to be (some kind of semi-mobile fungus maybe?).

So he leads with The Failure Mode of Clever. That’s actually a Scalzi quote (and to be fair to John, a pretty good one), The Failure Mode of Clever is Asshole.

Am I an asshole? Sure. But only to lily pads like Glyer. This shocks no one. But the real issue is “failure”. I got booted off of Facebook because their bots auto banned me for something obviously goofy. My fans then rallied and had a shit ton of fun with it. (seriously, if you missed it, they went nuts. 48 hours and it’s still positively gleeful in there. SO MANY MEMES). And then because my fans were having fun, I decided I’d have some fun with it too, so me, my wife, and my son staged a funny pic. (what good is having a bunch of military surplus stuff if you can’t occasionally do a photo shoot?) The fans friggin’ loved it.

You’ve got to understand, these are the same fans who still give me stuffed Cookie Monsters dressed as a mercenary because of a Facebook thread from eight years ago. They COSPLAY this stuff. Jack my merch guy is already working on shirts. And when fans get excited, they talk about my stuff, and when their friends see them having fun, I sell more books.

So, pray tell, dipshit loser, whose greatest claim to fame is a closet full of meaningless awards given for kissing the right asses on his gossip column blog, what part of this week’s Krasnovian shenanigans was the “failure” hmmm?

In reality I’ve got fan engagement most authors would kill for, because I’m just myself and every time there is some misadventure the fans have lots of fun with it. Glyer would know this if he’d ever created anything, but you can’t expect a parasite to understand, all they do is suck.

But Glyer sucking at quite literally everything comes as no shock to anyone. The crowd with the perpetual stick up their ass looking for offense in quite literally everything can’t grasp the concept of fun. It’s all just social posturing and jockeying for position at the mean girls table. Which is why whenever the “uncool” kids are seen having a good time it really pisses them off.

This one was so small I would’ve let it pass, but I was told he also mentioned me after the Dragon Award announcements (probably because I referred to him as the sorta-human shaped embodiment of hepatitis).  So better to just start the cycle early so I can go back to a few months of relative peace.

Since he’s using my name again I can only assume it is because his traffic has gone down. This makes sense, since the programmers who provide most of his regular audience are probably busy brutally censoring information coming out of Hong Kong.

Now some of you who haven’t watched Glyer’s vile slander and manipulations to screw various authors over the years might think I am being too hard on him. So in the spirit of fairness and balance I will try to say something positive about him as well. If Krasnovians and Pinelandians can set aside their differences, then I guess I can try too. Here goes.

Ten Good Things About Mike Glyer and File 770

  1. Mike Glyer is slightly less cringe inducing than the painting of Bill Clinton in drag on Jeffrey Epstein’s wall.
  2. In case of a water landing, Mike Glyer could be used as a flotation device.
  3. Mike Glyer’s sponge like texture absorbs humidity and helps prevent soil erosion.
  4. As a former tax collector (I’m not making that up) Mike Glyer decided that he needed to do something even more unlikable, so he became a gossip columnist. That takes chutzpa. Or psychosis. But I’m trying to be nice.
  5. Mike Glyer created a website that does basically the same thing as a search engine, only it helpfully lets stupid people know how to think.
  6. Mike Glyer has won so many Hugo awards that they often get lodged in his flesh rolls and he will not notice they are missing for several days.
  7. Mike Glyer sweats cottage cheese. I don’t know if that is actually a good thing, but it is biologically fascinating.
  8. File 770 is America’s #1 market for sales of mobility scooters, oxygen tanks, and various ointments to treat syphilis lesions.
  9. I once said that Mike Glyer looks like what would happen if Santa Claus made a baby with the sex offender registry. That still makes me laugh. So that’s good.
  10. After a long hard day of crushing dreams, freedom, and democracy, Chinese robots need a place to hang out.


In Conclusion

Hopefully Pinelandians and Krasnovians can learn from this and share the sandwich of friendship, as we bond in the certain knowledge that Mike Glyer is a scumbag, and really should keep my name out of his whore mouth.


EDIT to add:

While I was typing this the Nielsen Book Scan numbers from last week were sent to me. Despite the walnuts of File 666 spending the last half a decade talking about how I’m a washed up, hack loser, not a *real* writer, with an irreparably damaged career because I’ve offended all the TruFans with my evil ways, somehow Monster Hunter Guardian was the #4 bestselling fantasy in the country last week, losing only to James Patterson and two different versions of Good Omens. Considering one is a hot new TV show and the other has had 67 novels hit #1 on the NYT bestseller list, not too shabby.

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74 thoughts on “The Super Dumbness Continues, Mike Glyer Edition”

    1. Unfortunately there is no vaccine for Mike Glyer, but if you talk to your doctor, treatment may be available.

      1. This…. this… totally made me lose my shit. Now my abs hurt from laughing so damn hard. Damn you, Sentient Entity, Damn You to HECK!

    2. The Herpes Zoster virus is a noble and hardworking Protist. You shouldn’t insult it in that fashion.

      He’s like a highly contagious strain of Ebola.

  1. I know a psychotherapist who prescribes reading File 770 for an hour for suicidal patients. Apparently, it helps them realize that they are good people when they see how messed up Glyer is.

  2. I think you are being extremely unfair to China Mike. You are assuming he is calling you an asshole because he dislikes your politics. Isn’t it far more likely in this case that he is angry at the profligate military use of waffles that might otherwise get in his belly?

  3. Calling Mike Glyer something similar to a”shoggoth made of eldritch buttholes” would be disrespectful to all the shoggoths that fought hard to overcome their oppressors.

        1. Mr. Trashbags screeches horribly and throws it’s pseudopods into the shape of the cross at the sight of G’lyer, The Blob That Should Not Be.

        2. Actually, I was using Mr. Trash Bags as an example of “the shoggoths that fought hard to overcome their oppressors.”

          No shoggoth slander was intended.

    1. I thought the same thing when he said, “the sorta-human shaped embodiment of hepatitis”.

      That’s GROSSLY unfair to hepatitis.

      1. And then there’s us sorta-human shaped…
        Some of us have standards.
        And were ox in the same room as China Mike, ox have to leave. Ox know when ox smartest in room, ox in wrong kinda room.

  4. Hey Larry;

    I was laughing my ass off with your various descriptions of the aids ridden lesion of China Mike. That made my afternoon. I learned a few more insults for the snowflakes on fecesbook.

  5. I think you just insulted cottage cheese, and I disagree on floation device -it requires to be light enough to float, and I think he’d sink due to the level of BS.

    1. Ambergis floats. I think I’d rather latch on to a hunk of whale puke than OhMG as a floatation aid.

  6. As the official ambassador to Tankistan, I must state my country’s formal agreement in everything the gentleman from Krasnovia says about Glyer. He is, indeed, a human-shaped embodiment of hepatitis.

      1. Perhap ol’ MG (CMG?) needs a new word just how bad things are in his case? “Morid” – sorta like morbid, moribund, horrid… seems a good one for that. Congratulations on the coining!

    1. I tried this… I’ve got a pretty strong stomach for the utterly heinous… but I couldn’t find any pictures of him, it kept coming up with pictures of what looked like a beached whale in a state of advanced decomposition.

  7. ” Mike Glyer looks like what would happen if Santa Claus made a baby with the sex offender registry”

    I’d have gone with Jabba the Hut, but at least Jabba had Leia (albeit in chains).

    Come to think of it, Jabba would be a big upgrade for Glyerphilis.

    1. To be fair to Jabba, I believe Glyer is better likened to the Sarlaac.
      The Sarlaac exists to pull and suck things into the pit with it, but has no sapience, merely sentience.
      This explains much.

  8. As your representative in Murderlandia, and its City by the Bay, Id ask you to drop him on the west side, but I’m not sure the rats could survive eating him. Local Constabulary while not likely to catch me WOULD probably try me for at cruelty to animals.
    Also I don’t know if I want his corpulence near my workplace, By dropping him in the east side he would be to close to my home. I suggest in the industrial section of The City by the Bay called Cherry Point as it is already highly polluted. Nigh deserted and the Mutants would gleefully render him for whale oil.

    1. “…but I’m not sure the rats could survive eating him. ”

      No self respecting rat is going to touch that. No way. For that job you need lawyers. There are some things rats simply won’t do.

  9. He’s like the Rolling Stone magazine, The Simpsons, or Saturday Night Live.
    Super hip, edgy counterculture icon at first. Then it became a solid member of establishment for a while, slowly shedding any edge while becoming self-satisfied and bloated. Eventually, it ends up as a long-past-the-expiry-date media zombie with absolutely no relevance shambling through on force of habit and faded remnants of long past glories.

  10. We oppressed peoples of Pinelandia, join with our oppressors from Krasnovia, just this once, in trashing China Mike! Pancakes Forever!!!

  11. “Mike Glyer created a website that does basically the same thing as a search engine, only it helpfully lets stupid people know how to think.”

    So he just cloned Google? Dude’s gonna get sued.

  12. You know what one of the BEST things about Larry and MHN is? Y’all explain the inside jokes, nicknames and various debacles, allowing new fans to catch up.

    China Mike… ????????

  13. I apparently haven’t been paying sufficient attention. I did not realize this book was available. I just hit the “one click buy” button, and will be reading this A.S.A.P.

  14. ” This makes sense, since the programmers who provide most of his regular audience are probably busy brutally censoring information coming out of Hong Kong.”

    A thing of beauty. Thanks, Larry!

  15. I misspoke on the last post. Mike G Dumont has sung in the key of E-lephantiasis.

    Unfortunately, Clean Air and Water Acts, RCRA, and Law of the Sea treaties prohibit most disposal methods. With 5000kg of antimatter, it could probably power five stargates and a hypertech economy for the next 50,000 years.

  16. If you Bing search El Squanchos name, the first links after his Dickopedia mention are The ILOHs talking about what a turd product the man is. Im die! ????

  17. If there is anything I’ve learned from the Monster Hunter Nation, these last few years; It’s, that, “wrongfun” is the best fun.

    May anyone who says otherwise, be fed to the Old One’s (or, China Mike, of whom, I suspect is one of them).

    1. China Mike is not a “Old One”, “Old Ones” have morals and character. Two things that China Mike is lacking in any measurable quality.

      1. You know…I was gonna argue you were wrong, thought about it for a minute or two…and decided you were probably right.

  18. I looked for a good word to rhyme with Glyer…this is what the site told me:

    “Sorry, glyer doesn’t have its own entry in RhymeZone.
    You might have meant gayer.”

    Harsh, RhymeZone….harsh.

  19. This whole piece was a beautiful work of art but this stood out for me but only barely because there were so many other descriptors that had me chuckling out loud:

    “I’d much rather be honest and profane that whatever the fuck he’s supposed to be (some kind of semi-mobile fungus maybe?).”

  20. We, the people of Krasanovia, have soundly rejected China Mike’s Visa application, and ask that the fine pond scum of Pinelandia to ‘take one for the team’.

  21. “It’s a hard life, writing books and shooting guns, but it beats fisking dudes with syphilitic fat rolls.”

  22. Have you or a loved one been exposed to a Glyer or the vicinity of his double hockey naught bleg?
    Then you may be entitled to compensation.

  23. Went over to Bile 770

    The metric they applied to show “real” interest in a novel?




    Hey, BlubberGump, here’s a way to check out interest in a book: how many actual humans have thrown money at the publisher to get a chance to read it?

    Second question, Mobile Pustule: do you have a brand new, built to design mountain fortre…er… home?

    I’m in Ireland for what will most likely be my last WorldCon. First panel I attended had multiple “wannnhhhh!”s about OrangeManBad.

    Second through fourth didn’t, so maybe the week won’t be that bad.

  24. “In case of a water landing, Mike Glyer could be used as a flotation device.”
    I would add to that.
    “In case of a water landing, Mike Glyer could be used as a flotation device. But you really shouldn’t since you’d have to touch him. Drowning is preferable.”

  25. This entire discussion thread is like the anti-matter version of a Chuck Norris boast thread… Which leads me to wonder what would happen if Chuck Norris and Mike Glyer were put into the same room.

    1. He would vaporize when Chuck Norris entered the building, because Pure Awesome can penetrate concrete.

      The resulting vapor would flee the area and probably end up giving food poisoning to half of California as it formed a greasy film on the whole state and parts of Mexico. Because that’s a lot of fricking vapor right there.

  26. Spot on about Mike manipulating the little sampler offered to twist what the original was saying. He linked to my site a number of times … but almost always with little selective “edits” to the part he quoted to change the meaning and make me look bad. He’d cut out a couple of sentences where I’d explain why something was bad, or good, or whatever.

    I just reported his pingbacks as spam. If someone’s going to selectively edit and rewrite a “preview” to change what I’m saying, I’m not going to take them seriously.

  27. My pick for winner so far is Steven Simmons’ ”shoggoth made of eldritch buttholes”. That made me laugh like a hyena.

    All things considered, there’s some harsh rhetoric on here today. Were the target anyone else, I might question the need for that much heat.

    But given this is Vile 666 and China Mike we’re talking about…

    That’s a sample of what China Mike likes to host on his site, a typical SJW ramble about why America is bad, guns cause murder, and conservatives are TERRORISTS. Yep, we be terrorists now. (No link to the Vile swamp, because why give the sumbitch a free click? Google it if you must.)

    Point being, I think I crossed the threshold from contemptuous to actively hostile a while ago with these people. Labeling a law-abiding fellow citizen as a TERRORIST is the prelude to cattle cars and work camps, just ask the Mooselimbs in ChicomLand. You got the wrong last name, you get to be a slave in a “re-education” camp.

    Therefore my brothers and sisters, I challenge you: BE HARSHER. See if you can write something that burns the motherfragger right through the interwebz. Scald the three acres of pustulent hide right the f#ck off him.

  28. Even our goats thank you for this, Krasnovian Zorbabetauw (a word best not translated in case it causes your screen apoplexy). ChinaMike is as old saying in Pinelandia goes, (I translate) the kind who add handful of his diarrhea to children’s pancake mix.

  29. Despite allegations that he is a Big Name Fan, I attended, paneled, and sold at up to 30 conventions a year from 1988-present, and I hadn’t even heard of him until 2014.

    The failure mode of relevance is “fanzine.”

  30. dumpster of disdain

    I love you, man. 😀

    It was the worst self-immolation in the history of the internet. Monks who set fire to themselves to protest wars were all like, damn dude, chill. That’s why we started calling him China Mike.

    Hunh! I thought it was a “China Syndrome” reference, talking about the way he melts down all the time.

  31. I love the ILOH, but he’s wrong in his list. Glyer is definitely more cringe-inducing than the Clinton painting.

  32. I just ran across this.

    I used to be a fan. I used to read SF. And way back in the Tertiary (sp?) I ran a WorldCon. 1978. You can, as they say, look it up.

    I grew up and left fandom, then, and got to work in the real world. Not many “fans” can claim they were hired by Pete Conrad.

    But in those long ago days of 1975, instead of bidding for a WorldCon, Bill Patterson and I were trying to bid for a WesterCon. We submitted some ads to the progress report of the WesterCon where the vote would be taken; said PR was being run by Glyer.

    He took our ads and then ran ads in *their* PR directly countering ours. Not exactly fair. Not something *we* could do….or would have even thought that anyone *would* do.

    This was not exactly a federal case, of course, but it is totally indicative of who Glyer was, and is.

    I’m glad to know that there are people other than myself who think he’s a waste of carbon and time.

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