Hey all- Jack Wylder here. With Larry hard at work relocating into the new Stronghold of Yard Moose Mountain, he hasn’t had time to blog much lately so I wanted to take this opportunity to share a post of his from the Book of Faces. Enjoy!
It is time once again to explain my Three Cooters Theory of Internet Discourse.
-Three guys named Cooter get very upset about X and post about it on Twitter. (1 is actually a person, and 2 of them are probably troll accounts)
-30 people actually see the Cooter’s outrage first hand, and write tweets condemning the Cooters for being offended about X.
-300 people immediately share these condemnation posts to signal their virtue.
-3.000 click bait news articles are written about this terrible scourge of hatemongery that is sweeping the internet.
-30,000 trolls (like Cooter69, CooterPowerForever, and DarkCooterAngel) pretend to also really hate X, because it gets a rise out of people.
-300,000 memes are created mocking both sides for being butthurt snowflakes.
– 3,000,000 people claim victim status because they have been so irreparably psychologically damaged by the legions of Cooter. A special federal task force is formed to combat Cooter related hate crimes and the UN General Assembly issues a proclamation blaming it all on Israel.
-30,000,000 Americans who actually have an opinion about X are all like lol wut?
X may be things like “Black Storm Trooper” or “Starbucks Holiday” cups. (we’ve had a new one about every other week for the last four years) but whatever it is, Cooter got very upset, and though he grew up eating lead paint chips, his angry tweet represents you and the half of the country that nominally agrees with you about topic X. His incoherent outrage has been assigned to you, and the half of the country that disagrees with you is going to be sure to post about how you’re all really stupid, so that all their friends will know how virtuous they are.
This week it is because Alexendria Ocasio-Cortez or whatever her name is–I don’t care enough to go look up how its spelled–had a video of her dancing while she was in college posted to the internet.
She put up a tweet about how conservatives are outraged and offended by her dancing (I saw it because the cool Navy SEAL congressman with the eye patch laughed at it). When I went onto Facebook I saw lots and lots of memes about how conservatives are all the dad from Footloose, and want to ban sinful dancing because its from the devil, and we want women to wear burkas.
(seriously, life is way nicer now that I’m trying to limit myself to 30 minutes a day in this cesspool).
Except as I scroll through my feed, which has lots of knuckle dragging, right wingers, clinging to their guns and bibles, the most damning things I could find were people saying stuff like “She’s pretty cute for a deranged socialist” and jokes about the hot/crazy matrix. Most sane and regular people don’t give a shit how she dances, they just don’t want to pay 70% of their income in federal taxes.
And of the many many many threads about this latest super controversial subject, I saw ONE reliable person saying that they witnessed firsthand an actual cranky Cooter (who is a real person and not a troll) outraging about her dancing, and it was on some small town board nobody outside of Somnambulist County Iowa has ever heard of.
We live in a country with a third of a billion people in it. This shit is tiresome and people are gullible. Next week will be some other hot button topic that three Cooters (who magically represent half of the country) get upset about.
Just say no to three guys named Cooter.
EDIT: – this is Larry again. Jack found this post that I wrote a year ago. But if you check current events it is still going on. I think right now the Three Cooters who magically represent half of America are very upset about black mermaids or something. It’ll be something new next week.