Fisking the New Yorker in Defense of Delicious Chicken

The New Yorker magazine is always smug and pretentious, but this is special even by their standards. They took a brief break from ranting about Trump and all those dumb, inferior, red state hicks who voted for him, to instead rant about fried chicken and all those dumb, inferior, red state hicks who like it. Also, capitalism and religion are bad, because why not?

This article is particularly breathless and freaked out. I recommend reading the actual article once by itself, just to absorb the full effect.

Personally I only eat Chik-fil-A’s delicious Hate Chicken like once or twice a year, so it’s not like I’m a big fan, but as a capitalist 1%er, red state, chicken eating, cow expert, I am compelled to fisk this bit of literary brilliance. As usual the original will be in italics, my comments will be in bold.



Chick-fil-A’s Creepy Infiltration of New York City

By Dan Piepenbring

April 13, 2018


During a recent lunch hour, I was alone on the rooftop of the largest Chick-fil-A in the world.

Dan was perched atop a gargoyle, like Batman.

The restaurant, on Fulton Street, is the company’s fourth in Manhattan, and it opened last month to the kind of slick, corporate-friendly fanfare that can only greet a new chain location.

Either that contradicts the headline or Dan doesn’t know what the word “infiltration” means.

The first hundred customers had participated in a scavenger hunt around the financial district. At an awards ceremony, the management honored them with a year’s supply of free chicken sandwiches and waffle fries. There were no such prizes on offer when I visited,

I’m betting that’s the real reason Dan was so butt hurt.

but from the fifth-floor terrace—on the top floor of the restaurant, which is twelve thousand square feet—

Having a place to sit while you eat your lunch is so bourgeoisie.

I could see that the line to get inside stretched almost to the end of the block. An employee took orders on a touch screen and corralled people through the doors.

Corralled? Here, let me bash you in the teeth with my +3 Bat of Subtlety.  

The air smelled fried.

I’m betting that line sounded way cooler in your head, but they don’t FRY AIR, Dan.

New York has taken to Chick-fil-A.


One of the Manhattan locations estimates that it sells a sandwich every six seconds, and the company has announced plans to open as many as a dozen more storefronts in the city.

Keep in mind, New York City has 26,000 restaurants in it. If you ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner at a different place every single day, you’d never be able to try them all because by the time you cycled through, there would be a bunch of new ones in business. Plus you’d weigh 800 pounds and need a livestock hoist to get out of bed. (but that’s what delivery is for, quitter!)

I have to travel to New York a lot for my job. The food is the best part of those trips. For my fellow red state hillbilly vagabonds who’ve not been to the food capitol of the world, there are restaurants everywhere. There are restaurants within restaurants. There are secret burger places literally hidden inside hotel lobbies (behind curtains!). And that’s not even getting into the 8000(!) food trucks and carts. So they have sidewalk food in front of their food.

And it’s all pretty damned good, because there’s so much competition that if one sucks and goes out of business, there’s a hundred others lined up to take their place.

I’m just throwing those numbers out there to put into perspective what a whiny little bitch Dan really is to freak out over a few chicken places.

And yet the brand’s arrival here feels like an infiltration, in no small part because of its pervasive Christian traditionalism.

Dan thinks Neil DeGrasse Tyson is too religious.

Its headquarters, in Atlanta,


are adorned with Bible verses and a statue of Jesus washing a disciple’s feet.

Yep, because that whole thing where the Master Humbly Serves is very un-New Yorker. Dan has no time for your egalitarian nonsense! After working hours the help should go back to New Jersey where they belong!

Its stores close on Sundays.

This complaint always makes me laugh. I constantly see snooty progs toss that out there, like being closed on Sunday is soooooooo silly. How quaint. How prosaic. You know what else shuts down on Sunday? London and Paris.  Seriously, they turn into ghost towns and most of the shops and restaurants are closed. Damn those ultra-Christian redneck Europeans!

Its C.E.O., Dan Cathy, has been accused of bigotry for using the company’s charitable wing to fund anti-gay causes, including groups that oppose same-sex marriage. “We’re inviting God’s judgment on our nation,” he once said, “when we shake our fist at him and say, ‘We know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage.’ ” The company has since reaffirmed its intention to “treat every person with honor, dignity and respect,” but it has quietly continued to donate to anti-L.G.B.T. groups.

How dare some guy who owns a business have his own opinion about something? Meanwhile, back on Planet Earth, most people don’t run background checks on the owners of every establishment we frequent to make sure their beliefs are in lockstep compliance with our own.

But this argument has been flogged to death a million times. Whatever your position is on gay marriage, I don’t care what anybody does as long as they stay off my lawn. Instead I want to concentrate on what a giant flaming asshole Dan is.

When the first stand-alone New York location opened, in 2015, a throng of protesters appeared. When a location opened in a Queens mall, in 2016, Mayor Bill de Blasio proposed a boycott. No such controversy greeted the opening of this newest outpost.

That’s because the left has Protest Fatigue. You guys protest EVERYTHING. All that perpetual outrage has got to be wearying.

Chick-fil-A’s success here is a marketing coup. Its expansion raises questions about what we expect from our fast food, and to what extent a corporation can join a community.

I think most people just expect their fast food to be fast, tasty, and delivered with decent service.

But not the New Yorker. “Would you like fries with that?” “NO I WOULD LIKE RIGOROUS IDEOLOGICAL PURITY!” “Okay, should I make that a combo?”

I noticed that word—community—scattered everywhere in the Fulton Street restaurant. A shelf of children’s books bears a plaque testifying to “our love for this local community.” The tables are made of reclaimed wood, which creates, according to a Chick-fil-A press release, “an inviting space to build community.” A blackboard with the header “Our Community” displays a chalk drawing of the city skyline.

Community is only a cool marketing buzzword when leftists use it, like “Community Organizer”.

Outside, you can glimpse an earlier iteration of that skyline on the building’s façade, which, with two tall, imperious rectangles jutting out, “gives a subtle impression of the Twin Towers.”

Now, I’m not saying Dan is an unreliable narrator, but the way he sticks the words subtle impression in scare quotes makes me wonder if it is actually supposed to be the World Trade Center, or is he flipping out about a couple of rectangles?

But even if it is the towers… So?

This emphasis on community, especially in the misguided nod to 9/11, suggests an ulterior motive.

Oh, okay. Dan was looping back around to his weak ass Infiltration angle. Because only a True New Yorker could appreciate what happened on 9/11, none of the employees or loyal customers of Chick-Fil-A in New York are New Yorkers, New York isn’t in America, the rest of the country felt no effects, and hasn’t been at war for the last couple of decades. Gotcha.

But I’m still guessing he’s flipping out over some abstract rectangles.

The restaurant’s corporate purpose still begins with the words “to glorify God,” and that proselytism thrums below the surface of the Fulton Street restaurant, which has the ersatz homespun ambiance of a megachurch.

Declares a guy who I’m betting has like totally frequented a bunch of megachurches.  

David Farmer, Chick-fil-A’s vice-president of restaurant experience, told BuzzFeed that he strives for a “pit crew efficiency, but where you feel like you just got hugged in the process.” That contradiction, industrial but claustral,

That isn’t a contradiction, you dope. That’s Customer Service 101.

You can always spot a New Yorker writer because they try to use $10 words to try and sound smarter than they are. I’m an award winning, New York Times bestselling novelist, and I had to go look up the word claustral. (You know someone’s trying too hard when MS Word’s spell check doesn’t even recognize it)

It just means relating to a cloister, so Dan is once again desperately reaching for that religious fanatic angle.

is at the heart of the new restaurant—and of Chick-fil-A’s entire brand. Nowhere is this clearer than in the Cows.


It’s impossible to overstate the role of the Cows—in official communiqués, they always take a capital “C”—that are displayed in framed portraits throughout the Fulton Street location.

Newsflash, moron, the Cow posters are in all their locations. It’s part of their brand.

If the restaurant is a megachurch,

It’s really not even vaguely close.

the Cows are its ultimate evangelists.

Holsteins are known for their devout nature.

Since their introduction in the mid-nineties—when they began advising Atlanta motorists to “eat mor chikin”—

That’s New Yorker Speak for “they put up a billboard.”

they’ve remained one of the most popular, and most morbid, advertising campaigns in fast-food history, crucial to Chick-fil-A’s corporate culture.

Where Dan thinks morbid, most folks just think they’re funny. But I suppose that’s what we get for not being humorless, finger-shaking scolds.

  1. Truett Cathy, the chain’s founder and Dan Cathy’s late father, saw them as a tool to spread the gospel of chicken.

There he goes with the religious overtones again. If I was Dan’s editor, I would smack him upside the head and say “Subtlety, motherfucker! DO YOU SPEAK IT?” Seriously, progs. Turn it down a notch. You’d do a lot better if you didn’t sound like hyperbolic assclowns all the time.

In his Christian business book “Eat Mor Chikin: Inspire More People,” from 2002, he recalls crashing a child’s party at a Chick-fil-A in Hampton, Georgia.

He literally “crashed” a kid’s birthday party? I bet he was looking for homosexuals to terrorize.

Brandishing a plush Cow toy before the birthday girl, he asked her, “What do the Cows say?”

She looked at me, puzzled. (Remember, she was barely three.)

“What do the Cows say?” I repeated.

“Moo,” she replied.

Everyone laughed at her pretty good answer, and I gave her a Cow and a hug and whispered the real answer to her. Then I turned to her mother and asked, “What do the Cows say?”

“Eat more chicken!” her mother cried . . . then, one by one, each person quoted the Cows and laughed.

The ironic thing here is a dude who probably faps to Whole Foods ads for cruelty free kale is super upset that somebody else came up with a successful advertising slogan.

Cathy died a billionaire, in 2014, but the “eat mor chikin” mantra has survived.

He made a billion dollars off it, and you’re shocked it’s still in use? For reals? This shit right here once again illustrates why it isn’t fair that in college us business majors have to take a bunch of liberal arts classes, but the social justice majors don’t have to take any business classes.

Though the Cows have never bothered to improve their spelling,

That’s kind of the joke, moron.

 franchises still hold an annual Cow Appreciation Day, offering free food to anyone dressed as a Cow. Employees dance around in Cow suits. The company’s advertising manager doubles as its “Cow czar.” The Cows have their own calendar. (This year’s theme is “Steers of Yesteryear.”)

They’ve been inducted into the Madison Avenue Walk of Fame,

Which is in New York.

and their Facebook following is approaching seven figures.

Which would explain why they do it.

Stan Richards, who heads the ad agency that created the Cows, the Richards Group, likened them to “a guerrilla insurgency” in his book, “The Peaceable Kingdom”: “One consumer wrote to tell us the campaign was so effective that every time he sees a field of cows he thinks of chicken. We co-opted an entire species.”

It’s like Dan’s sense of humor was surgically removed.

It’s worth asking why Americans fell in love with an ad in which one farm animal begs us to kill another in its place.

Because it’s funny.

No really, cows are an inherently absurd animal. I should know, I spent years milking the damned things. They’re silly looking, but they’re also kind of shifty, so the idea of them sabotaging dumb chickens to get eaten instead is hilarious.  The first time I saw a Chick-fil-A billboard was in Alabama in the 1996. I’d never heard of the place, but as a son of dairy farmers, it made me laugh, so I stopped and got a picture to send to my folks.

But I wouldn’t trust the New Yorker’s opinion on humor, just browse through their crappy cartoons sometime and see what I mean. 

Most restaurants take pains to distance themselves from the brutalities of the slaughterhouse; Chick-fil-A invites us to go along with the Cows’ Schadenfreude.

At this point I’m pretty sure Dan is just a pen name for Lisa from the Simpsons.

In the portraits at the Fulton Street restaurant, the Cows visit various New York landmarks. They’re in Central Park, where “eat mor chikin” has been mowed into the lawn. They’re glimpsing the Manhattan Bridge from Dumbo, where they’ve modified a stop sign: “stop eatin burgrz.” They’re on the subway, where the advertisements . . . you get the picture. The joke is that the Cows are out of place in New York—a winking acknowledgment that Chick-fil-A, too, does not quite belong here.

Well, of course they don’t belong in the city, they’re cows. That would be silly.

Here’s a true story that illustrates the sheltered mindset of Dan’s social group. One time I was at a publishing industry party in Manhattan. Being the one token wild red state barbarian, we were discussing what living in the country is like. (for the record, these people think Danbury Connecticut is The Country).

I offhandedly mentioned that my home county has more cows than people. This woman incredulously asked “what do you do with all their waste?”


“How does it get to the sewer system?”

I just kind of stared at her blankly. “Uh… They poop on the ground.”

Shock. Absolute shock. And then I’m trying to explain to a bunch of people who live somewhere entirely paved where soil comes from.

Now don’t hate on New Yorkers. Most New Yorkers are wonderful people, but the Snooty Manhattan Pseudo-Intellectual Cocktail Party Class who write for rags like the New Yorker are the most clueless, sheltered, naïve, and privileged know it alls you’ll ever meet. They rarely interact with anyone who thinks or believes different than they do. They work with people who think the same, went to school with people who think the same, but consider themselves worldy because their last cabby was from Bangladesh.

Regular New Yorkers don’t like these people much either, and just want to eat their fried chicken in peace.

Its arrival in the city augurs worse than a load of manure on the F train.

Again with the trying too hard to get the vocabulary gold star, that’s not what “augurs” means either. It was from Romans doing stuff like looking at birds to divine the will of the gods. Besides, there’s already a train full of shit every time Dan commutes. 

According to a report by the Center for an Urban Future, the number of chain restaurants in New York has doubled since 2008, crowding out diners and greasy spoons for whom the rent is too dear.

Beware anytime a liberal starts tossing out stats without using any numbers. Yes, the number of chain restaurants has gone up since then, because the number to start with was extremely low. Chain restaurants represent only 13% of New York’s 26,000 restaurants.

So you’ll fucking live, Dan.

Also, whose fault is it the rent is so damned high? In the most competitive foodie city in the world, if a diner or greasy spoon goes under, there was probably a reason.

Chick-fil-A, meanwhile, is set to become the third-largest fast-food chain in the nation, behind only McDonald’s and Starbucks.

Good for them. A big part of that growth was probably because every time some angsty asshole like Dan throws a temper tantrum about them, another regular American eats there out of spite… and discovers the chicken is actually pretty good.

No matter how well such restaurants integrate into the “community,” they still venerate a deadening uniformity.

This statement is particularly ironic considering how much Dan’s community demands deadening uniformity.

Homogeneous food is comfort food, and chains know that their primary appeal is palliative.

Duh. That’s why people eat at chains. They know what they’re going to get, so there isn’t an element of risk. The flavor and quality will be fairly consistent from location to location. Me personally, I travel a lot and like trying weird new things and hole in the wall places. Other people don’t, they’re not adventurous eaters. That should be fine. It’s their choice.

Now ask yourself, what kind of bully asshole jerkface scumbag would be angry that people’s tastes are wrong? And this fucker has the gall to complain about uniformity?

Fuck you, Dan. Let your fellow New Yorkers enjoy their chicken. You’ve got thousands of other places to choose from.

Oh, and by the way, your editor should suck start a shot gun, because you’re using palliative wrong too. It’s an adjective for medical care that relieves pain without fixing the underlying condition, and liking comfort food isn’t a medical condition, you sanctimonious twit.

With ad after ad, and storefront after storefront, they have the resources to show that they’ve always been here for us, and recent trends indicate that we prefer them over anything new or untested.

So? The thing about taste is that by definition it can’t be wrong. It’s what that person wants to eat. You fuckers are all about choice until the nanosecond somebody choses different than you. 




To hell with your video too, New Yorker.


How to Write a New Yorker Cartoon Caption: Adam Scott Edition

Nobody in the history of the world has ever found a New Yorker cartoon funny. They just pretend to laugh so people like Dan don’t yell at them.


Defenders of Chick-fil-A point out that the company donates thousands of pounds of food to New York Common Pantry, and that its expansion creates jobs.

Those monsters!

The more fatalistic will add that hypocrisy is baked, or fried, into every consumer experience—that unbridled corporate power makes it impossible to bring your wallet in line with your morals.

Says the asshole who got paid for this nonsense. Actually, as a real professional writer, I pray that Dan is just an unpaid intern, or that he got paid in “exposure”, or something for this dreck. 

Still, there’s something especially distasteful about Chick-fil-A,

Well, as long as the chicken isn’t distasteful, America don’t give a fuck.

which has sought to portray itself as better than other fast food: cleaner, gentler, and more ethical, with its poultry slightly healthier than the mystery meat of burgers.

Burgers are made of cows, Dan. There, I solved that mystery for you.

Its politics, its décor, and its commercial-evangelical messaging are inflected with this suburban piety.

Of course, in addition to religion, capitalism, and freedom, Dan also hates the suburbs. Because what kind of horrible human being would want to have a small bit of personal space, and not be crowded into a tiny, rat infested apartment building with a bunch of other snooty liberals up in your business? 

A representative of the Richards Group once told Adweek, “People root for the low-status character, and the Cows are low status. They’re the underdog.” That may have been true in 1995, when Chick-fil-A was a lowly mall brand struggling to find its footing against the burger juggernauts.

Moronic articles like this have done more for Chick-fil-A’s business than the Cows. They’re seen as an underdog? Gee whiz, I wonder why? This chicken place get attacked constantly by the despised and untrusted media as being evil religious nutjobs, and then the media is shocked that regular Americans root for them?

How fucking tone deaf do these people have to be to not realize they’re the cause? Up above, Dan was sad there were insufficient protests against a CHICKEN RESTAURANT. A bunch of elitist pricks call for boycotts and protests against a chicken restaurant. THAT IS WHAT MAKES US ROOT FOR THEM. America loves underdogs, but we also hate bullies.

Today, the Cows’ “guerrilla insurgency” is more of a carpet bombing.

And fellow New Yorker Gersh Kuntzman got PTSD from shooting an AR-15.

New Yorkers are under no obligation to repeat what they say. Enough, we can tell them. NO MOR.

But if you tell them NO MOR, you would literally be repeating what they say. Man, you fucking suck at this writing thing. Just stop… Go get a job at Subway or something.

I often see people describe rags like the New Yorker as “intellectual”, and then they lament how America is “anti-intellectual.” No. America isn’t anti-intellectual. The problem fucking halfwits assigning themselves a title they don’t deserve. There was nothing intellectual about this. There was no deep thinking. This was some dude having a public hate boner against a chicken restaurant in proxy for his unresolved issues.

And now I think I’m going to go get some chicken for lunch. The spite makes it taste better.

eARC for Monster Hunter Memoirs: Saints AVAILABLE NOW!
April Update

260 thoughts on “Fisking the New Yorker in Defense of Delicious Chicken”

    1. The moment Larry mentioned Lisa Simpson, I started reading the article and putting it in her voice in my head.

      I ended up laughing so hard, one of our cats hid under the couch. (Although that could have been in response to the coffee that shot out of my nose..)

      1. “At this point I’m pretty sure Dan is just a pen name for Lisa from the Simpsons.”

        This is so slanderous of Lisa Simpson, I would be afraid she’ll come visiting Yard Moose Mountain with an RPG.

      2. I actually like Lisa’s character a lot, or at least I used to, before they Flanderized her (although the show in general has been circling the drain for a while now). She is much more complex than just your garden variety sanctimonious liberal stereotype. The author of this article, however… is not.

  1. Beautiful. Next up – Larry reviews the New Yorker’s review of the Avengers’ next movie. I’m sure they will hate it

    1. The shitty snooty attitude of many movie critics is pretty much why the folks I know hear “Critics panned such-and-such movie.” and go “Hmm. Maybe that one is worth watching.”

  2. I once saw a cow pick its way, hoof by carefully placed hoof, across a cattle grate. I saw another one lick the paint off a car and scrape the side view mirror off scratching itself. Cows be shifty as f**k.

    1. Especially Holsteins. They’re a bunch of bony hipped arrogant assholes who think they’re better than all the other breeds. Ever since we sent that permanently hormonal Princess Hamburger of a meat heifer off to Freezer Camp, I never want to see one of those trendy colored kind on our farm ever ever ever again. P.S. I’m a neosatanic cultist and I _still_ like Jesus Chicken. Just watch the guy plotz all over his thesaurus when In-N-Out gets to NYC.

      1. Never understood the popularity of In-N-Out

        Although I did enjoy the folks who modified their bumper stickers from




        1. Yeah, those stickers go back a few years. They still selling those?
          If you’ve got hungry kids in your household who gets entertaining gut or frantic behavior outcomes from the other brand of burgers, knowing on takeout lunches he can get himself a Jesus Burger Animal Style (or similar from Sonic) makes lunches a lot less like having to hunt down a gas station bathroom stat. Sometimes road food’s gotta happen.

          1. Because people like it and throw money at the company in order to eat their food. It’s what they know, and they don’t like food adventures.

    2. I’ve seen a cow do the same thing, only it tried to tip toe which only served to get all four legs caught in the cattle grate. Hours of work later, we managed to rescue the dumb thing, surprisingly no worse off for the incident. Mmmmm…. Let me tell you, sometimes the dumb ones sure are tasty.

      1. Wouldn’t it have been easier to rescue the sirloin and hamburger from the grate than the cow? Just asking for the chicken over there heating up the grill.

        1. Odds are, killing and butchering it in situ would have violated some food safety mandate, or been very publicly messy in a way that would have agitated the rest of the cows… But I honestly do not know. I never spent enough time with cattle growing up to know.

      1. My mom has to wear orthopaedic footwear for the rest of her life because some stupid cow decided to step on her.

        Making fun of cows is excellent.

    1. Back in 1967, a young lady transferred into our senior class (in suburban New York) whose father worked for the State Department. She had traveled to many countries during her 18 years, but had never seen a live cow. One of our teachers directed her boyfriend to take her to a local dairy so that she could add that experience to her resume, although I understand that she reported later she would have gladly waited for it to debut at our local theatre.

  3. Crap, why is this posted on a day when the roads are too iced over for a safe drive to Chik-Fil-A?

    1. He doesn’t care if it’s tasty. It has the wrong message! It’s evil! The owner is religious! They close on Sunday! REEEEEEEEEEEE!

    1. somehow I get the feeling that you were reading it out loud in her voice………..not really sure why.

  4. Now I’m hungry for a Chick-fil-A sandwich. And I hate long lines and crowds. Which is really my only complaint about the chain.

    1. Get the app and have the smiling friendly kids bring it to your car! (If you’re in the ‘burbs and they have a parking lot, that is. Otherwise, you can at least order and pay from the comfort of wherever you are, walk in, go to the pickup counter, and not wait in the long lines.)

  5. This shit right here once again illustrates why it isn’t fair that in college us business majors have to take a bunch of liberal arts classes, but the social justice majors don’t have to take any business classes.

    Math majors feel the same way with the added insult that we’re required to make up fake “math for liberal arts” (also known as “High School Algebra I”) for them to take to pretend to have a broad education.

    1. To be fair, I did have to take “liberal arts for engineers”; it was called “Technical Writing” and “UI Design”.

      1. Here is the question. How many liberal arts majors could pass “liberal arts for engineers”?

        I know the ability to pass all those “math for liberal arts” classes is assumed on the first day of the two classes of the math major, Calculus I and usually some form of Discrete Math.

        1. My wife and I met attending Ga Tech in the early 80s. At that time only liberal arts undergrad degrees granted by Tech were the School of Management.

          (There is a a longish rant about Tech’s MGT school in Ringo’s Aldenata series… had me rolling on the floor laughing in tears)

          So, the wife and I are computer science majors — not ‘real’ engineers since we did not have to take differental calc.

          Wife needs an area of specialization outside of major — any other school would call this a minor — and picks Accounting. Which involves taking MGT classes. And earning the ire of the management majors, since she was in their major’s weed out class sequence, for fun, setting the curve.

    2. I was always amused by my ability to take 200 and 300 level (sophomore and junior level) art and literature courses in college. I’d like to see any of the liberal arts majors take PHYS 201 . That would be sweet.

    3. I’m a bit weird. I’m a science geek, but I was an English major because I wanted to become a law librarian. I never really fit in with most of the other English majors, including one Tolkien class where the topic of “music of the spheres” came up and two other science types and I started talking about string theory. It took a few minutes to realize we were the only ones participating in the discussion and moved on. That same semester we were discussing some nonsense when a student said, “I think science majors should be required to take a lot of philosophy and English classes so they have the ethical framework to do their research responsibly.” I was a bit tired and cranky, so my “And English majors should be required to take some science classes so they know how the hell the real world works” was a bit louder than anticipated. Fortunately, the professor thought it was funny.

  6. A Chik-Fil-A just opened about two miles from me. I’d go down to get something but it’s always too crowded. Damn their successful commercial-evangelical messaging!

  7. Diners close because people like Dan demand the diner owners pay their employees a living wage. The diner owners can’t afford it, nor can they afford the taxes to pay for everything else New York requires for employers to cover for having a certain amount of employees, so they cut staff. Less staff, less customer attention. less customer satisfaction at a business, bad yelp reviews, soon the places closes. OH and diners are comfort food Dan. You already don’t like comfort food so why are you trying to support them??

    1. Oh, damn. Now I have another reason to wish I was rich. I’d love to see someone with enough money to literally throw a ton or so of it away to open a diner there and advertise that they’re paying their employees a living wage (you really need these employees to have other jobs to go back to, by the way). Serve up some really good food, and get a good following of the “smart people”.

      After business is going well, get a bunch of journalists to come for a special event. At the event, they put up a sign showing how much they had been losing on every meal, and a new menu with prices that will allow them to make a little money (probably about four times what they had been).

      After the place loses all its former business, put up a second sign explaining why it closed. And keep paying the rent for a year, so they can’t put something else there, and the signs get to stay up so people can come along and take pictures and video.

      Like I said, someone would need to throw away a ton of money, but damn, would that become an icon.

      1. How about a menu with three prices for every item $ @2.13 hr plus tips…$$ minimum wage plus tips…$$$$ Living Wage, no tips. You pick what you pay, and that’s the wait staff’s wage.

  8. This only makes me want to eat chicken, a burger, and the delicious grains that their poop fertilized, because of the Circle of Life .

  9. side note, jokingly F you Correia, for “making” me read the New Yorker article. I’m a life long New Yorker and never read anything from them.

  10. >Brandishing a plush Cow toy

    Yeah, I pretty much lost it at this line.

    You can brandish a gun or knife, yes. You can even brandish an oosik (google “brandished an oosik” for an amusing story).

    You cannot brandish a plush toy.

    Brandish is used exclusively in the context of weapons, or, figuratively, a non-weapon that’s used in a weapon-like way — I recall one of Neal Stephenson’s characters brandishing a document from the Queen of England to shut people up.

    This here Dan Piepenbring feller don’t write so good, do he?

    Someone needs to take his thesaurus away.

    1. You may not be able to brandish a plush… but I have seen several used to parry (aka block or shield).
      SCA fencers… they are a silly bunch.

      1. You can’t brand a cow plush. The fire retardant materials they are almost certainly required to be made of, at environmentally friendly sweatshops in accordance with New York city law, almost certainly release all manner of toxic chemicals when heated to such a degree.

        You can only brand-ish them.

    2. Ehh, a large enough cow plush could be used to suffocate someone. Of course at that point you’re effectively brandishing a pillow which is certainly no less silly to consider.

    3. I hate to be late to the show, but those saying that you can’t brandish a plush toy because they aren’t weapons clearly have not met my children, who can turn ANYTHING into a weapon. This is a skill that will serve them well if they ever end up in prison.

  11. Their chicken is legit good, though the nuggets are too small. The lemonade is ludicrous and deserves people raving about. Love it. Only problem is daughter gets sick when we go. Allergy or something. Sadness…

  12. Dangit, now I kinda want some, but the nearest one is a half-hour away and I have words to do.

    Someone, though, should introduce Dan to The Far Side, since he plainly doesn’t understand cow humor.

    1. Hey, babe, take a walk on the Far Side.

      I said, hey honey, take a walk on the Far Side.’

      And the talking cows go

      Moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo moo…

    1. The whole article is designed to conceal that fact. That way, as he’s waiting in line, everyone will know he’s only eating there ironically.

      His social circle is so open, that he can’t admit he likes chicken nuggets.

    2. I didn’t get the impression that he actually waited in line, ordered any, and ate any. I suspect he lurked in a table, taking up space that customers could have used, working himself up into a proper high dudgeon, clattering away on his laptop.

  13. You know the most beautiful ironic fact about the Cows?

    They’re Holsteins.

    What kind of cows are Holsteins?

    Milk cows.

    So the Cows promoting that you Eat Mor Chikin because Cow Lives Matter aren’t even in danger of being fried up at McDonald’s. Clearly, they’re a false front for the true masterminds, the Angus/Kobe/Wagyu Coalition.

    1. The surplus (read as most boy calves) calves are raised for beef, although not super-fancy gourmet picture-of-cow-on-wrapper beef. But if you are not around the beef business, you don’t know that. It’s a bit of a double joke, if your sense of humor is warped enough.

    2. Ah, but where do over the hill but still healthy dairy cows go? My father (dairy farmer until he retired a few years back) said that McDonalds is the major buyer of culled dairy cows.

  14. “Holsteins are known for their devout nature.”

    Please tell me that a bovine Society of Jesus or equivalent will be in the next Tom Stranger book.

  15. Wow, so much love there in New York. I’d love to see this dude (who has probably never in his life left the environs of Manhattan) dropped in say, some small town here in South Carolina that has like three churches, say two evangelical (Baptist and a Church of Christ say) and an AME, and the only food available on Sunday is the local BBQ buffet that’s only open Thursday thru lunch time (i.e. noon to about three) on Sunday. Love to hear people from the northeastern cities bitch about life in the south. Screw them, I’m not a native but I do love the south and never lost a damn thing north of central Virginia.

  16. The amusing (to me anyway) thing is that other than the Sunday thing CFA doesn’t even make a big deal about Christianity as far as the general public sees. No biblical citations on their packaging, and other than maybe holiday-themed well wishes (“Merry Christmas” and such) they don’t talk about the faith.

    Because, y’know, unlike twatwaffle corals like the New Yorker, CFA caters to everyone and not just some own-fart sniffing clique harumphing about any time someone doesn’t live the way they insist that people should live.

  17. When Bridget said you were giggling I knew something good was gonna be here
    It’s amusing to read that idiot’s screed, and amazing his ilk actually believe they are The Relevant folks that make the world turn

    1. If you want to be full conspiracy theorist, somewhere a wealthy Larry Correia fan with a twisted sense of humour is using a cut-out to commission these pieces from the NYT.


  18. The funniest part of that was “the Cows’ Schadenfreude.”
    That will someday be the title of a book or a broadway musical.

    1. I could see it being a skit for the Mike Myers “Dieter” character, back when SNL was still occasionally funny.

      Imagine Dieter and his cronies dressing up in cow costumes, then prancing around to bad techno music exhibiting schadendfreude.

    2. The Bovine Schadenfreude Diaries; A Socratic Dialogue on Materialistic Existentialism from the Bovine Perspective.

      “A monumental philosophical work to mold an entire generation!”
      -New Yorker Magazine

      “I’m totally blown away by the central statement, ‘I eat, therefore I am eaten’!”
      – Anonymous in McDonalds

      “It all to dramatic and Moooody”
      – Random Protestor.

  19. You can replace the caption of every New Yorker cartoon with “Christ, what an asshole!” and it will still work every single time.

    I think maybe you can do the same thing with every New Yorker article’s by-line.

    1. Perhaps every modern New Yorker cartoon, but if you go back far enough (it’s a long trip) you can find one or two that fail that, as well as Iowahook’s “Every New Yorker cartoon can be captioned, ‘I think I will kill myself.'” I recall sometime in the early 1990’s encountering a an old (even then) book that collected various such cartoons. The two memorable ones were 1) topless gal riding a backwards-looking centaur, telling him to watch where he’s going (that would fit your caption, I grant, but not Iowahawk’s) and 2) an alien (space type) crawling through a desert “Ammonia! Ammonia!”

      That said, of the whole book, those two are the only one I can recall and there is likely reason for that – and I’ve no doubt the quality has dropped since.

      As for this writer, if he put a modicum of thought into a criticism of bovines suggesting chicken for dining the problem is that chicken is a “gateway meat.” Moo. ♉

      1. If you go far enough back, to the long ago year of 1975, there was the issue of the New Yorker that featured Saul Steinberg’s classic “View of the World from 9th Avenue.” Whether you think the worldview it depicts is a good one or not, its compact and amusing depiction of that worldview is impressive. Sadly, I think there’s ever-more people in such urban “islands” as NYC, Chicago, and LA that share such a worldview.

  20. Holy cow, reading this makes me want to fisk Larry’s fisk….

    But I have a sneaky, funny feeling that a fisk consisting of lines, following on everything that Larry has written, like “Holy cow, is that funny!” and “Ha, ain’t that the truth!”, and then rambling about my own exposure to the country, isn’t exactly going to add anything worthwhile to what Larry’s done…

    I particularly like the line “[Darn] those ultra-Christian redneck Europeans!” as an example. Holy cow, the clash of images: Londoner and Parisian rednecks! Ha! And it only gets better from there!

    1. In some ways it makes sense. Look at how everything in France is the biggest and the best — if it’s a French person talking.

      If Europe didn’t have the French, we’d have to send them Texans.

  21. Larry, I’m very upset to read that you “have to travel to New York a lot for [your] job”, and yet you don’t provide opportunities for loyal NY area fans to buy you meals in return for an autograph and a telling a story or two.

    I mean, c’mon – there’s 26,000 places to eat here!

  22. “Meanwhile, back on Planet Earth, most people don’t run background checks on the owners of every establishment we frequent to make sure their beliefs are in lockstep compliance with our own. ”

    Not yet.

    1. The good part of me thinks,”can’t we just try to find common ground, even if it’s just the enjoyment of chicken nuggets?”

      The mercenary part of me wonders how much I could charge for an app that let’s people share purchases based on virtue signalling.

  23. I was going to disagree on one minor point.
    I found at least one New Yorker cartoon to be interesting and thought-provoking. That is, “On the internet, nobody knows you’re a dog.”

    Of course, that was published 25 years ago, and interesting is not the same thing as funny.

    1. Actually, there are many very funny New Yorker cartoons, but they’re from the 30s through the 70s. The quality of the humor has declined since then.

  24. “You’d do a lot better if you didn’t sound like hyperbolic assclowns all the time.”

    Kinda makes me wish more of them would go hypergolic. Like that lefty late-lawyer carbon footprint.

    “Its arrival in the city augurs worse than a load of manure on the F train.”

    As I recall, the trainload of NYC excrement is stuck in flyover country, AL, where I’m sure Dan thinks it belongs.

    1. As a resident of Flyoverlandia, I’d much rather have the sewage (that can be treated!) than that particular New Yorker and his(?) ilk.

  25. First, he could have just said,”We don’t want your kind here!” and been done with it.

    Second, if we’re going to talk about animals begging for other animals to be consumed, let’s talk about Traitor Pigs. You all know the one’s I mean, those gutless souls who sell the flesh of their own kind in BBQ joints. Most won’t even risk being identified, and hide behind sunglasses. I get that cows want to throw chickens under the bus, and I can’t blame them. But the Traitor Pig is the lowest form of tasty animal.

  26. Dan is losing his shit because Chik-fil-a is “infiltrating” New York with their uber-Christiany cuisine.

    Meanwhile, Yelp turns up 3331 listings for halal food. Bets on how soon that will be the subject of a New Yorker article?

  27. Oh, WELL DONE Larry, well done!!! We jokingly call it ‘Hate Chicken’ out here. Since every time a hate piece like this comes out, the line just gets longer! 🙂

  28. What the actual fuck? Someone needs to take the thesaurus that Danny was using to look up big words to sound impressive away from him. They can then soak it on carolina reaper salsa…and hammer it up Danny boys ass.

  29. We don’t have chik-fil-a around here. Would be a drive of sixty-plus miles into the Belly of the Beast to get there. It’s sad.

    1. Hmmm… how do we know this author isn’t actually on Chick-fil-A’s payroll ? All this manufactured outrage is surely driving up sales…

  30. Being in TEXAS, Chick-Fil-As are about as plentiful as Starbucks (usually right close to one another). My only complaint ever was when they did away with their spicy chicken biscuit sandwich.

  31. Great fisk, as usual. But this time, I think this pithier response was even better than a full fisk:

    EDIT: Huh, this WP theme doesn’t expand tweets. So:

    Nate Silver @NateSilver538
    This is why Trump won.

    The New Yorker @NewYorker
    Chick-fil-A’s arrival in New York City feels like an infiltration, in no small part because of its pervasive Christian traditionalism.

    1. But Nate Silver is some kind of Democrat, and hence it is impossible for any kind of decent human being gain anything from paying him any mind. 🙂

  32. Hmmm… Hate filled chicken is starting to sound lovely right now. Maybe some lovely hate-filled lemonade too.

  33. I’m an honest-to-goodness perfessor. But since I teach Finance, I’m pretty much required anti-liberal-weenie.

    Early on, I taught my kids the Latin phrase “Degustibus non est disputandum” (in taste there is no dispute”) for when they run into some smarmy git that says what they like (whether it’s a style of book, a favorite food, or whatever).

    Of course, I also taught my 9 YO boy to say “Et quis erit crescere puella” (Grow up and be a man, little girl) form when one of his friends gets too whiny).

    1. I’m not a prof, but I majored in Latin, so little quibble, “De gustibus non disputandum est” is more like “let there be no dispute about taste”. It’s a suggestion to not do it, not a statement that there isn’t any in existence. #themoreyouknow 🙂

    1. Reading about Gary Larson and The Far Side on this website reminded me of a cartoon with a dead Godzilla lying among several skyscrapers, and in the foreground, a farmer with a shotgun in his hands is telling a TV reporter [copying from a searched image] “Well, I seen all the commotion, what with that there monster destroyin’ half the city and whatnot, and I says to myself, ‘Hell! Why don’t somebody just shoot the varmint?'”
      That guy going corporate is MHI in a nutshell. Pity about the MCB’s Prime Reason.

  34. Let’s be fair about New Yorker cartoons. The ones by Charles Addams were hilarious.

    I’m still wondering what he threatened the editors with, to make them buy and print them.

    1. Thank you for reminding me of those. Those were the rest of the good/better ones I’d forgotten from an old book of NY cartoons.

    2. That was a very different magazine with a very different set of editors. And by the time the priss-brigade had taken over, Addams was an established classic.

  35. I didn’t go through the entire article but I wanted to see what it felt like to read it while inserting appropriate references to Jews, Judaism, and Jewish religious practices. You probably could swap it for a translation of an article from Der Stürmer prior to the Nazi’s gaining power and have it be mostly passable.

  36. “Want mor chikin?”
    “This is how you get mor chikin”
    (slightly plagiarized).
    Also, I mistook that Adam Scott link for “Scott Adams” and clicked for some more amusement. No amusement was found.

  37. “Because only a True New Yorker could appreciate what happened on 9/11, none of the employees or loyal customers of Chick-Fil-A in New York are New Yorkers, New York isn’t in America, the rest of the country felt no effects, and hasn’t been at war for the last couple of decades. Gotcha.”

    I read articles like this and, honestly, I think that’s what these people think. That you’re right on the nail’s head.

    And so I’ve sort of come around that a couple decades of war and a lot of dead mostly red-state Americans wasn’t worth it to avenge the deaths of a bunch of New Yorkers. Because if they don’t think we’re part of the same country, why should I? Next time something bad happens there I’ll probably think of it the same way I do when something bad happens in Paris. Or Mali. “Oh, well, that sure is sad. When’s lunch?” and hope they send the NYPD to get the bad guys instead of decent Americans.

  38. I think it’s important to distinguish between The New Yorker as it exists today, and the magazine as it was run under its founder, Harold Ross.

    Most of what was snarked here is true of the present magazine, and Ross would have had a fit over it.

    I mean, can you imagine the present Magazine printing the likes of Chas Addams, if he weren’t a known ‘brand’?

  39. I’ve had Chik-Fil-A exactly once, and been craving more ever since. They have some REALLY damned good chicken.

    Shame there’s only like two of them in the entire state of Oregon.

    1. I’ve had their food twice and don’t care for it.

      Having said that, I want them to expand. This area can use the jobs and there’s nothing wrong with being closed on Sunday.

      If they decide to put one in my district, I’ll notify the zoning board and my city representative that I’m in favor of it.

  40. Any writer worth his salt would know that it’s ‘capital’, not ‘capitol’. The Capitol is the building in DC where Congress meets.

  41. My nearest Chick-fil-a is just off the freeway on the way to Church Camp. As a big van driver, it’s my reward for picking up kids from camp every Saturday in July. (Either my van or the Church’s van-one’s a Chevy, t’other’s a Ford: other than that they’re identical.)

    1. Yeah, it’s the same thing I said above, but you beat me to it. I’d give 70/30 odds that this is all a viral marketing campaign.

      1. Hanlon’s Razor applies: “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.”

    2. The beautiful part is they don’t even have to pay for it. Snooty leftist outrage is free and renewable.

  42. FWIW, I’m a pinko liberal atheist degenerate, and I’ve eaten a couple times at Chick-Fil-A (there aren’t many of them in my area). I think their food is… okay. Better than McDonalds, obviously, but in no way amazing. I prefer KFC (not that it’s amazing either, mind you). I don’t see the point of boycotting a company because of their politics, at least until they start spending significant amounts of ad space on preaching their moral values at me. On the other hand, if you want to boycott them, go right ahead, I’m not going to stop you.

    That said, though, learning that Chick-Fil-A’s corporate motto is “to glorify God” did make me less inclined to buy their sandwiches. A company’s mission should be to “satisfy our customers”, “make the best products in the world”, or, at the very least, “maximize value for the shareholders”. Let them “glorify God”, “improve diversity”, or “usher in peace on Earth” on their own, personal time.

    1. The part you don’t understand is that “To satisfy our customers” or “To make the best products in the world” flows from “To Glorify God”.

      Their aim is to glorify God, and having excellent service and tasty food is the means by which they do so.

      Merely having “to satisfy our customers” be their highest aim would, for example, cause the company to kowtow to any and every outrage group that complained about any of the things the company was doing. (See: Starbucks) Because doing so would “satisfy their customers”.

      1. I’d upvote your comment if the voting mechanism was working. Since it’s not, have a public “like comment” instead. You nailed it.

        Bugmaster, you may not know that there’s a theme in Christian doctrine where doing my best at whatever I do is a way to serve God. Chick-Fil-A’s corporate motto comes out of that tradition.

      2. Would you say the same thing if the corporate leadership was Muslim ? Hindu ? Catholic (if you’re Protestant) or Protestant (if you’re Catholic) ?

        The obvious answer is, “of course not, all of those other religions are false and their ideals are evil; here are the scriptural verses to prove it”. The problem is, I’m a godless atheist, so from my point of view all religions are false (and some are evil, though not in any supernatural sense); and no scriptural verses are authoritative, regardless of whose scripture they come from. I feel the same way about Christianity that you feel about Islam or Shinto (depending on the denomination of Christianity, of which there are many).

        If a company wants to manifest supreme excellence in their work, they should say so. I can totally get behind that message. Anything else, though, is a needless distraction from my point of view.

        Also, I can’t help but notice that Jesus would’ve been more on board with fish-and-chips (and a pint) than with fried chicken 🙂

        1. I would say the same if whatever the religion in question was had as a foundational belief that the means to glorify their god was through selfless actions here on Earth. Many (not all) atheists just have no clue as to what the beliefs they disdain actually teach.

          1. The problem for me personally is twofold. Firstly, there’s a huge number of competing beliefs; even the people who call themselves “Christian” disagree on many important points of doctrine, and every single religious denomination simultaneously claims to be the One True Faith. Secondly, very few — if any ! — religious people actually follow the core tenets of their faith in their daily lives.

            To use an extreme example, both the Westboro Baptist Church and the Mormons would probably claim that “Glorifying God” is a good thing; perhaps even the primary drive behind their lives. However, they mean very different things by that simple phrase, and the differences are very important.

            This is why I prefer to descend from the meta-level theological reasoning down to the object-level day-to-day behavior. The motto “Glorify God” is complex and ambiguous. The motto “make optimal chicken sandwiches”, much less so; and it’s something anyone can relate to, regardless of his religious denomination.

          2. You are so full of it, Bugmaster.

            The corporation has that motto. They have used it to grow their company into a giant success. Regardless of whatever horrible, mangled, garbled, interpretation you manage to come up with for it does not matter (Westboro? Really? Pile that straw high) The only interpretation that matters is theirs. Not yours. Theirs. And clearly they have a set corporate culture. Not your imaginary nightmare one, a real one, that works for them, in real life.

            So why don’t you take your lame, boring, “Optimal Chicken” motto and go make a billion dollars with it.

            Oh wait. You won’t. Because you are just disingenuously picking nits to score some weak ass pseudo-intellectual street cred.

        2. Okay, now you’re just being deliberately obtuse. You posted this comment six hours after my previous comment explaining the theme of Christian doctrine where it’s taught that the best way to glorify God is to do my best at whatever it is that I’m doing. And yet you choose to ignore that in favor of your preconceived ideas. Specifically, your first question necessarily implies that you think Christians don’t have intellectual integrity: that if the leadership of Chick-Fil-A was Hindu or Muslim, and following a doctrine of their religion that says “the best way to glorify God is to do my best”, we would ignore their doctrine because we believe their religion to be false. But although I know you may find this hard to believe, most of us do have some intellectual integrity. We can honestly examine beliefs that we don’t share, and say, “Given that these folks genuinely believe this doctrine, what would be the natural consequences of their belief?” Which is an ability you have not, so far, demonstrated in this discussion.

          Come on, man. Display some intellectual integrity; it’s the only way not to make yourself stupid. Examine the corporate beliefs of the Chick-Fil-A leadership from their perspective. If you can’t, or aren’t willing, to do that, you’re going to limit your own intellectual development. And I’m telling you now, I’m NOT impressed with the lack of intellectual integrity you’ve shown in this particular discussion. You don’t believe in Christian doctrine; that’s fine. But that doesn’t absolve you of the responsibility to understand it when it’s relevant to the point you’re trying to argue. As it is, because you’ve been lazy and not bothered to understand it, you’re making really poor arguments. I know you can do better than this; I’ve seen you do it on other topics. Why does the subject of religion shut down your ability to think rationally? You should probably examine that and figure it out; it’ll be good for you in the long run if you do.

          1. Examine the corporate beliefs of the Chick-Fil-A leadership from their perspective.

            This task is much more difficult than you make it sound. I have no idea what it feels like to believe in any kind of a deity (just as you, presumably, don’t know what it feels like first-hand to disbelieve); the best I can do is read the holy books, observe the words and actions of the people who follow them, and make conclusions based on what I see. And so far, my conclusion is that Christianity is, at best, irrelevant to the process of making excellent chicken (same thing goes for Islam and so on).

            Let me use the same example as I used in my reply to LC as an analogy. Imagine that Chick-fil-A’s motto was not “Glorify God”, but “increase diversity and center marginalized voices”. Would you still trust them to make great chicken ? What if you questioned them on their weird Cultural Marxist motto, and they told you, “well obviously diverse teams perform better than staright white male teams, so by increasing diversity we improve our sandwiches”. Would this change your mind ?

            My point is that, as a consumer, I want companies to be focused on their product. If they think that making great chicken glorifies their god (whichever god it might be), I have no problem with that — as long as their primary objective is to make the tastiest damn chicken that they can. If they want to “center marginalized voices” or whatever, that’s fine too… As long as they hire the best possible people for the job, which is, once again, to make great chicken.

          2. You are so full of shit. 😀

            Your interp is irrelevant. You don’t need to understand their motto. 99% of the time, nobody even knows the corporate motto of whatever business they are engaging with.

            I can’t even go through all of your layers of bullshit without a full fisking, and that’s not worth it in the comments because there is insufficient audience to justify the time necessary.

        3. Of course not. Some gods are vile beyond belief. See Marx’s. Or Mohammed’s.

          Thor’s a mixed bag. (Yes, I do know someone who worships him)

          Jesus is amazing. Doing stuff to HIS glory caused people to willingly risk their lives to free brown strangers they were raised to believe we’re their “natural” inferiors. To accept that they could be put to death (by torture) to save others they were taught (and appeared to believe) were national and ideological enemies.

          Wake up.

        4. Y’know, I live with a godless atheist, and he hasn’t ever told me how to practice or live, ever, religious motivations or no. Asked me questions on occasion, because of curiosity or looking for clarification. But then again, unlike you, he also doesn’t disparage people who choose to be religious, or think himself superior merely because he’s atheist.

          At no point ever would I force him to participate in anything religious. He accepts the rosaries my mother sends to him as gestures of kind well-wishing and hangs them somewhere in his room as a reminder of that gesture of care, but he doesn’t believe in it. It’s a gesture of kindness.

          His atheism is “I choose not to participate in a religion, I don’t believe in God, and I don’t care what other people do, as long as nobody is forcing me to join them. That’s MY choice. I’m not going to look down on someone else for being religious.”

          By declaring religious beliefs to be false, you elevate yourself as ‘better’ than ‘those religious folks who believe in lies.’

    2. Oh look. A guy who doesn’t know shit about running a successful business telling a company that went from nothing to #3 in the country that their corporate motto is wrong.

      1. I’m not telling anyone how to run their business; I’m just voicing my preference as a customer. Would you personally support a fast food company whose motto was something like, “increase diversity and center marginalized voices” (*) ? Does this mean you want to prohibit any company from having that kind of motto ever ?

        (*) I threw up a little in my mouth after typing that, but still…

        1. Uh, yeah you are telling someone how to run their business. Your entire second paragraph is telling someone how to run their business.

          1. And I get the feeling that he’s not exactly on the Fortune 500’s short list of future CEO’s, nor is he likely a red hot consultant able to command a large fee for his advice.

        2. “Glorify God” doesn’t mean ending every sentence with “oh, praise Jesus”. It means giving everything but *especially* your NON-personal time the best you’ve got, with no substitutions or corner-cutting, because you want to point people to him. If I’m making something for my church as part of a charity gig, I give it all I’ve got because I love my church and want people to think well of it. Same with God and my day-to-day work life. (Ideally. I frequently fall short.) And I’d far rather communicate that to you adequately than score a political point.

        3. 1. Half your post was you telling them how they should run their business.
          2. I would not even ever know if a company had a motto about diversity and marginalized whatever.
          3. I wouldn’t even care, especially if the burgers are good.
          4. Your question is a Cathy Newman clown question. You should be ashamed of yourself.

  43. Man, this article makes me wish we had a Chik-fil-A in my area. But we don’t, so I’ve never gotten to try it. (If we did have one, I’d totally go there right now out of spite.)

    1. I have had it multiple times but the nearest to me is about 45 minutes away. But that said I find they are really good chicken sandwiches, reasonably prices and fresh. Think next weekend I will take my daughter and go there for lunch. I was born and raised in NYC and think that it is another good option for a quick meal

  44. Community is only a cool marketing buzzword when leftists use it, like “Community Organizer”.
    Would it work better for poor Dan if they replaced “community” with “village”? Because it doesn’t take a “community” to raise a child………..

  45. I’m studying for my Doctoral degree in Accounting. I’ll have to write a thesis that seems similar to this steaming pile of Postmodernist angst Dan is pilling on us. We need an Intelligentsia neutron bomb.

  46. The rectangles are clearly an architectural reference to the Twin Towers.

    To which I say, “Good Job, Chik-fil-A!”

  47. My brother from another mother!! This was awesome!! I had read Lisa’s, er, Dan’s article yesterday and guess where I had lunch? You dang betcha, Chik Fil-A!!! It’s not even my favorite but for the next few weeks it will be. I’d be interested to see what CFA sales are for the next month or so and will laugh at Lisa/Dan for making it so. Thanks for a wonderful read.

  48. The funny thing is that Chik-fil-A is immune to lefty pressure group protest tactics.

    In fact, they thrive on lefty pressure group protest tactics. They are like the giant amoeba from Star Trek that eats phasers. The more the lefties protest, the longer the lines get at the drive-thru.

  49. Iowahawk has pointed out that every New Yorker cartoon can be improved by changing the caption to I think I am going to kill myself

  50. (You know someone’s trying too hard when MS Word’s spell check doesn’t even recognize it)
    Ummm, no, I’m going to disagree there. The spellcheck function misses a LOT of good, useful words, imho.

    he recalls crashing a child’s party at a Chick-fil-A
    How do you crash a party when you own the location?

    the Center for an Urban Future
    Hoo boy. Because what we want to aspire to is everyone living in the places with the greatest dysfunction.

    This statement is particularly ironic considering how much Dan’s community demands deadening uniformity.
    Even more so given his demands for conformity right in this very article. Wow, self-awareness is not his strong suit.

    Today, the Cows’ “guerrilla insurgency” is more of a carpet bombing.
    I bet if we literally f*ing carpet bombed North Korea with Chick-fil-A sandwiches and nuggets (but not that stupid crap with which they replaced their tasty breakfast burritos), we’d have peace on the Korean peninsula for a thousand years.

    Go get a job at Subway or something.
    He can’t do that, because Jared! ZOMG *runs around, waving arms spastically, as if hair on fire*

    There was no deep thinking.
    Again, Larry, I’m going to disagree. He’s just so deep there’s no oxygen in there…………..

    Thank you for a fabulous fisking. 🙂

    1. “I bet if we literally f*ing carpet bombed North Korea with Chick-fil-A sandwiches and nuggets (but not that stupid crap with which they replaced their tasty breakfast burritos), we’d have peace on the Korean peninsula for a thousand years.”

      Hmm. Bomb them with Chick-fil-A sandwiches once, then put out leaflets promising that we’ll do it again once Kim-Jong-Un is out of power….

  51. Terrific fisking , but always remember that only a relatively small handful of Manhattanites fall into the Dan Piepenbring mold–and many of THEM came from elsewhere, including a number who grew up out in the sticks and think their new-found sophistication privileges them over their knuckle-dragging kin who never left.

    And also remember that there are large numbers of New Yorkers from the outer boroughs like myself and the incumbent president of the United States, who have more in common with those hicks from the sticks than our betters would care to admit.

    I eat at Chik Fil-A about twice a month. The chicken filet sandwich is quite tasty (although they might hold off on the salt), and quite a feat to get it crisp on the outside and moist but done on the inside. The service is always excellent, delivered by enthusiastic young people (of all colors, by the way), most likely recruited from the nearest Baptist church. Horrors!

  52. You really want to make Dan’s head explode? Turn about 50 cows loose in Central Park, all wearing sign boards on the side. “EAT MOR CHIKIN..

  53. Lefty hate advertising is fantastic for Right leaning businesses. I had never read one of your books, nor of John Ringo’s until I read some hate fueled screed against you two and Vox Day, I now own pretty much everything either of you has written…

  54. I could almost taste the smug in his “article”.

    But I have to wonder, who writes about a restaurant and never mentions how anything tasted? Decor? check. Company history? check. Executives donate their own money to causes I don’t like? check. Scary adjectives like infiltrate? check. Flavor of the Spicy Chicken or the waffle fries? Nowhere to be found, so I have to assume the food was pretty good otherwise he would have mentioned it using six syllable, ten dollar words.

  55. The problem is not that Americans are “anti-intellectual,” but rather that “intellectuals” are anti-American.

    1. I’d say “anti-pretentious douchebags who think they’re intellectuals” is a bit more accurate.

  56. Hilarious and on the money. The only flaw is that the author didn’t somehow work in the fabulous and tasty Chick-fil-A Sauce.

    I laughed out loud at the tale of the clueless cocktail party princess.

  57. Ok, this was just too delicious. Excellent takedown. My kids came up to ask why I was laughing so hard.
    They can dislike Chick Fil A all they want, they are missing the forest for the trees. Every time to protest, demonize or ban something just because they don’t like it, they just brush themselves with the paint of hypocrisy all the more.

  58. Do you notice that all Dan’s “arguments” against Chick-Fil-A are the exact kind of arguments that the Left go (insert favorite swearword here) over if the Right use them to defend why they don’t want their culture to go away.

  59. Hilarious and on the money. The only flaw is that the author didn’t somehow work in the fabulous and tasty Chick-Fil-A Sauce.

    I laughed out loud at the tale of the clueless cocktail party princess.

  60. Have to say, as a NYer (I was a small town girl, growing up a full hour out of NYC, on “The Island”!) who now lives in GA (and, having been recovered to reality and history, now calling it the War of Northern Aggression…) every time *I* see a Chik-Fila ad with the Cows, *I* get hungry for a burger — cause cows = burger = YUM! Sorry chickens! Love yah an’ all, but cows is bettah!

  61. The New Yorker is on a roll lately. I also really “enjoyed” their opinion piece on how scifi-horror movie A Quiet Place is a “regressive” film about “a white rural family” who use guns to defend themselves against aliens, thereby promoting “idealistic elements of gun culture”.

    If MHI ever gets adapted to film or TV, I can’t wait to see what pseudo-intellectual bullshit they have to say about it.

      1. Nor would they need to strain to find pro-subgun text in MHI. After all, besides Earl and his Thompson, Trip found subguns the easiest to master in his Amazing Newbie Squad days.

  62. A good friend who is always looking for ways to earn extra money was a Chick-fil-A cow for a while (the family Xmas card picture that year featured her in the cow suit). She once had a dance off with Mr. Pickle from down the street. She won.

  63. Larry
    Thanks for bring a smile for this week. I enjoy your fisks and this one is epic. You could’ve linked to the other one about the kitchen utensils and cheap food.
    In any case, if i ever visit the States i’d like to try Chick a fil just to acquaint myself with the food. I’m curious whatvit tastes like

  64. “How to Write a New Yorker Cartoon Caption: Adam Scott Edition”

    I briefly misread that and thought Dilbert’s Scott Adams did a New Yorker parody. That would have been fun.

  65. I loved it ! I would write a longer comment but I am out the door to visit my local Chik-Fil-A !!!

  66. This was so good I felt the need to find Dan Piepenbring on FB and send him the link in a PM. There are a lot of “they”s on his FB page, like maybe that’s his (sorry, THEIR) preferred pronoun.

  67. “The New Yorker magazine is always smug and pretentious”

    That sentence reminded me of David Burge’s (Iowahawk) observation about New Yorker cartoons:

    Burge’s Law: Every New Yorker cartoon can be improved by recaptioning “I think I’m going to kill myself”

  68. Why are you dinging them for their whining incessantly against Trump? You whine incessantly against Trump too. It’s as if Stalin were complaining that Mao spent too much time obsessing about capitalists.

    1. Okay, you fucking halfwit. I dare you to go over to my Facebook page and do a search to see how many times I’ve talked about Trump over the last year. You should learn what the word incessantly means.

      But if you mean I didn’t vote for him, and I was public about how I thought he was an asshole. Sure. I still think he’s an asshole, but fair is fair, he saved me about $30k on my taxes this year. Like any other politician, when he does something I like I’ll praise it, and when he does something I don’t like I’ll make fun of it. Deal with it, fanboi.

      1. Oh, look… Here’s one of the only times I’ve talked about him on my blog since the election.

        “Trump – As a guy who was on record never liking him, who donated money to other candidates in the primary, who honestly thought he was going to lose in the general, and who thought he was going to totally suck after… Eh. I still don’t like him, but to be fair he’s been better than I expected.”

        Whoop de doo. Sorry random internet asshole, if that’s insufficient ass kissing for you.

        1. Ah, but you do not praise The Leader so thou art a heretic!

          The blind worship was annoying when The Leader was Obama and it is just as annoying when it’s Trump.

        2. Tell ya the truth, Lar, after your shitting all over the only guy who could save us from President Hillary right up until and even after Election Day, I simply didn’t find it worthwhile to hang on your every word any more. You had two realistic options, one was worse than the other, and you did your best to sabotage the better option. I voted for Romney despite Romneycare and his “assault weapons ban” position because at least he wasn’t Obama; Hillary would have been far worse than either, yet you were so butthurt that you tried to convince everyone to commit sudoku.

          Only reason I glanced at this sad little chicken story was that someone linked to it on Arfcom and I wanted to see the base article. And the rest is history.

          Enjoy your tax cut; you don’t deserve it, but what the hell. Send some of it to the Clinton Foundation whydontcha. Remember to campaign for and vote Democrat in November, the Blue Wave needs people like you! Sorry your gal lost, etc., etc.

          1. Go suck Trump’s dick. I’m not a fanyboy for any politician. They’re just our employees and they either do a good job or they don’t. I shared my opinion on the guy based on his history at the time. He’s turned out way better than I expected and I’ve repeatedly said that. But I still don’t trust any of them, and nobody gets a pass.

            When they do something I like, I’ll say so. When they do something I don’t like, I’ll say so. And the entire time I’ll do so without ever once giving a shit whether some ass kissing cheerleader approves or not.

          2. Here is the timeline for those of you just joining us.

            No. I don’t trust either of them.

            He’s okay, I guess.

            Here is a post about chicken.
            Awesome. Fuck off.

            Cool Fuck off.

            And I predict that this random anonymous shit bird will totally fail at not “hanging on my every word any more” (wow that sounds pathetic) and that he comes back and whines in the comments more later.

          3. I’m still kind of stuck on his ‘commit sudoku’ slip-up. As if filling out little number puzzles would affect the election on way or the other. 😉

      2. Mr. President, we are rapidly approaching a moment of truth both for ourselves as human beings and for the life of our nation. Now, the truth is not always a pleasant thing, but it is necessary now make a choice, to choose between two admittedly regrettable, but nevertheless, distinguishable post-war environments: one where you got twenty million people killed, and the other where you got a hundred and fifty million people killed.

          1. *glances over at South Korea*

            Y’know, that promised third world war ain’t kickin’ off, and those concentration camps aren’t here. I’m with you on the criticizing him when he does something I don’t like and praising his good works – y’know, like we should with ANY President or world leader, but those people who call Trump the new Hitler must be really upset right now.

            Or just doing more of that reality denial stuff.

  69. I do have to disagree on one point:

    “New York City has 26,000 restaurants in it…And it’s all pretty damned good.”

    This hasn’t been my experience. My experience has simply been that with so many people and thus so many restaurants, you get points further out on both ends of the bell curve. The best are really, really good, but the worst are really, really awful. I’ve had delicious food with amazing service, something barely edible tossed in front of me by a guy who was actively rude, and everything in between. I think I read somewhere that when companies are trying out new concepts, they usually DON’T try them in New York, because if something’s a bad idea, it takes it much longer to fail there than it does in Cleveland or some place like that.


    (For those who need explanation: In the newsgroup this was shorthand for “You owe me a new keyboard, because you just made coffee shoot out of my nose and destroy the old one!”)

  71. And now, I want to eat as much Chik-Fil-A as I possibly can next time we’re in the States. Thanks.

  72. “There are secret burger places literally hidden inside hotel lobbies (behind curtains!). “

    Yup. Burger Joint in the Parker Meridien, 57th near Sixth.

    1. Ha! Somebody knew exactly the one I was thinking of. 😀 I was staying there once, and was all like, what’s this weird secret passage in the lobby–OMG BURGERS! (they were good too)

  73. Once you had mentioned Lisa Simpson, I could only read the article while imposing Lisa’s voice on the narrative in my head. Thanks for that

  74. I love the snark. Great take down.

    However this article could have been written without having us float down the gutter in a stream of profanity. I expect it from commentators, but you? I feel like you care about polite people about as much as Dan cares about a Christian corporation. I would have bought all the Monster Hunter books, but for the language. If you created a polite language version of the series, I’d snap them up.

    I know you could do it. Your “About me” page is pretty clean. I’d also guess you don’t talk this way at church. Would it really hurt to find adjectives and verbs that actually mean something? It seems odd for a writer to come up short on vocabulary.

    But they’re your books. Not mine.

    1. Thanks, Word Police, but no. I’m a writer. Words are just tools in my tool box. You use different tools for different jobs. Different words cause different reactions. Sometimes the best word for the job is one that offends you.

      But by the way, I have an excellent vocabulary, but again, tools for the job. You are correct in that I speak differently in church, or while giving a speech (I’ll even use different words depending on the audience I’m speaking to), or while working with dairy cows (true fact, Holsteins only understand Spanish and profanity), and I’ll even use different words for different blog posts depending on what effect I’m going for and what I’m trying to accomplish.

      And I wouldn’t ever create a “polite” language version of my books, because that would be fundamentally dishonest to the characters, and would weaken the book.

      But you are right. They are my books, not yours. I would never dream of coming into your job and trying to shame you into doing it differently. Oh, but I”m the one who is impolite.

      Oh, also, I do have some books with no naughty words at all, because that is accurate for the characters and universe, which would be perfectly appropriate for your virgin eyeballs… but I’m betting you don’t actually care about that because you were just trying to see if you could shame me into compliance. 😀

      But even if I took out all the naughty words, then I’m sure somebody else would come along and be offended by my inappropriate humor, or adult situations, or violence, or something, and if I complied with all of those people’s wishes, then my books would be nice, bland, boring oatmeal, which no one would ever purchase.

      1. But if you did all that and checked the list for the “appropriate topics to write about,” you could win an award!

        “Holsteins only understand Spanish and Profanity…” is that why you use such naughty language talking about the New Yorker?

  75. I saw that essay too. I struggled with the thought that a supposed adult would stare like … well, like a dumb cow at a clever, amusing advertising campaign that ruthlessly exploited farm animals for a popular chain restaurant. It’s apparently a real essay, meant in all seriousness if not with much enlightenment. That’s a liberal bubble world for you.

    P.S. Please correct the typographical error of “worldy” to “worldly.” Just a heads-up from a minor dabbler in professional writing who has an eagle eye for spelling.. ^^;

  76. Worth reading if only to learn about the devout nature of Holstiens.
    “YBC” (years best comment),so far 🙂

  77. Here’s my favorite part:

    That clown completely whiffed on commenting about the Christian muzak playing in the background. I’m certain this is because he didn’t know that’s what it was. That’s CFA for you: making you love Jesus subconsciously.

  78. I will not be eating at any Chick-Fil-A in New York.

    I refuse.

    Because, if I do, I won’t be eating at Katz’s Delicatessen or Dallas BBQ.

    Anyhow, I can get it closer to home.

    And, Larry, in Hyannis Massachusetts, there is a Chick-Fil-A almost directly across the street from a Whole Foods.

  79. The NYorker type of article is one of the big reasons for my support of Chick Fil A, along with the good food, and great service. Anything to piss of liberal haters works really well for me. Eat Mor Chikin !!

  80. One thing that I think you do a great job of illustrating is what I’ve been calling the ignorant and provincial mindset of the liberal urban dwelling population.

    Your example of the New Yorkers who don’t realize that cow shit gets either piled up or spread on fields is a perfect example. Or that people elsewhere might have different opinions than they do. These people look down on people who live in more rural places, stereotyping them by calling them inbred, redneck, uneducated, ignorant, racist, cousin fucking, etc. They are convinced of the superiority of their ways of life and ways of looking at things, as well as the supposed solutions to the problems that are almost exclusively urban, and always willing to be derisive of others that don’t agree with them.

    Truly they are incapable of realizing how ignorant and provincial they themselves truly are.

    1. You know, one way to blow their tiny little minds is to point out that cousin marriage is illegal in most red states, but is legal in most blue states.

  81. Sadly, the bit about the cab driver isn’t a joke, some of them actually believe that. I ran across some twerp on reddit who was talking about the superiority of urbanites over the red state cavemen “because they interact with people from all over the world”. Thats it. They interact. No judgment, nothing on what was supposedly gleaned, just interact. I have a feeling said twerp could get assraped by one of these foreigners and write it off as a cultural misunderstanding that he’d apologize for.

    And the bit at the end about the lefts claims on intellectualism reminded me of something some might not have heard, the Chinese have found out about SJWs, and hold them in as much contempt as most normal people do. They call them “Baizuo” or white lefties, and use it as an insult. They also call them “False intellectuals”, which is what reminded me of it. Thats how bad the left is, people who speak an entirely different language find them repulsive enough to use as an insult against each other.

  82. So, great fisking, the only thing I’ll add is that while Danbury isn’t “the country”, per se, unless you define “the country” as someplace that absolutely has to be in the middle of a cornfield in Nebraska with no civilization within 20 miles, Danbury is DAMNED close to “the country”. You can drive 10 minutes from Danbury and be in the complete middle of nowhere, with no cell service for miles. I.E., the country. Grew up there. Had to drive 30 minutes to any kind of real civilization. One grocery store, one hardware store, one pharmacy (since gone), that’s it.

  83. There’s so much wrong with this article. Besides the garden-variety offense the author meant to give, however, there’s one thing that I find extra-offensive and aggravating – ol’ Dan dawdles through however many column-inches complaining, and then at the end can only say “Still, there’s something especially distasteful about Chick-fil-A…”

    Mother of pearl, what a lazy sunnuvabitch. Yo Dan, IT WAS YOUR JOB TO TELL US WHAT THAT WAS. Instead you blather on without actually saying anything real, tack on “there’s something especially distasteful,” and assume that your readers are going to fill in the blanks for you.

    For one thing, that just shows how lockstep the audience is that you can just be that offensively, insistently lazy and ignorant and just expect everyone to nod along like bobblehead dolls. For another, it shows what a passive-aggressive, cowardly snip you are, Dan, because you won’t just out and say “I don’t like Christians, I think they shouldn’t be allowed to own a business where I live, and it’s not enough for me to walk past those doors – I want them shuttered forever and their owners to go broke.” Could have saved us all a ton of time by laying it out there openly, but naw…. naw. Gonna go with this instead to try to hide the ugly truth of it from yourself and your bestest buds. “Surely you don’t say that *moi* is a bigot?!? Why I never!” Wrong again, Dan. I surely am saying it, because you certainly are.

    1. He just really wanted to force the word “distasteful” somewhere into his article so he could pat himself on the back about being clever and funny.

  84. This is absolutely fantastic. Every Chick-Fil-A should post this article in their store for customers to read. Hell, start wrapping sandwiches in this so customers can read it while munching on lunch.

    And speaking of which, I’m off to Chick-Fil-A. I’ll wash it down with the tears of New Yorker journalists.

  85. It is tough to get a job at Chick-fil-A. I know a young lady that went through three interviews before being hired. They don’t hire surly underachievers and slackers; but rather friendly, congenial people. Chick-fil-A is picky like that, I like that.
    When she is home from college they immediately put her on the schedule to work. Maybe there is an actual Community there Dan; dare I say Family.

  86. On one hand, the language is a little spicy. On the other hand, it is so richly deserved. I can’t believe this moron is published in a national magazine, leave alone considered an adult.

    There’s a bunch of us who often go out to lunch after Church on Sunday, and I’ve always thought it’s a shame that Chick-Fil-A is closed that day, but I think it’s great that they are doing this. It’s their decision, and they feel that the business can succeed despite potentially giving up 1/7 of their sales. I don’t eat fast food often, but Chick-Fil-A is a place I would go out of my way to patronize when there’s an opportunity. The liberals politicize _everything_ and when one company decides to take a stand on a traditional issue (and not, as far as I’m concerned politicizing their business over it), they all lose their minds.

    This wasn’t just a well-deserved fisking, it was a lutefisking, with lye and everything. The end result is the soapy, gelatinous goo that is the only thing that can come out the heads of these claustral liberals.

    p.s. I wish I could figure out how to do paragraph breaks. 30+ years of software development experience and I’m stymied by a simple website. In the future, everything is amazing, but nothing works.

    1. Your paragraph breaks came out just fine; it’s just that the commenting software here on Larry’s site strips out *ALL* HTML (including paragraph tags) if your comment needs a “Read More” link. But if you click on the “Read More” link, the paragraph breaks are back.

  87. A well deserved fisking but I think the use of „to augur“ and „palliative“ by the odious author was correct. Just to be fair.

    1. Nope. Auger was when they’d find subtle indications of future event. A passenger train of shit isn’t subtle. It is an event.

      Palliative is treatment that doesn’t fix the underlying condition. An enjoyment of a certain type of food isn’t a condition. It’s a matter of taste. By his interpretation, fried chicken is comfort food, and liking comfort food is intrinsically wrong. That’s a dumb ass reach.

      Editorially speaking, both uses are stupid. As a professional author, it’s painful to watch somebody obviously trying to use big words to sound smart.

  88. Reading the New Yorker is such a chore but I guess we need to know what the mentally ill are thinking or planning.

  89. “‘are adorned with Bible verses and a statue of Jesus washing a disciple’s feet.’

    Yep, because that whole thing where the Master Humbly Serves is very un-New Yorker. Dan has no time for your egalitarian nonsense! After working hours the help should go back to New Jersey where they belong!”

    Whacha wanna bet this bozo has never uttered a peep about all the asian themed restaurants in the city that have statues of Buddha RIGHT IN THE RESTAURANT.

    I recently re-read bits of Thurber’s LIFE WITH ROSS, and Harild Ross would have pitched this piece of drek out the window so fast the paper would have combusted.

  90. Larry, you are the King of Fiskers! The first thing I ever read by you was a piece fisking gun control advocates, and I enjoyed it so much I went out and bought the first Monster Hunters novel, followed by the rest of the series, and the Grimnoir Chronicles, and Dead Six…

    1. That’s my story, too… only it was the “poor people can’t cook” article from two months ago and now I’ve read almost his entire blog, eleven of his novels (some more than once), and I own copies of eight of them. I like giving money to writers who make me laugh.

  91. “Because only a True New Yorker could appreciate what happened on 9/11”
    Since the latest comments brought me back to this wonderful piece, I’ve got to note for posterity that while I don’t know if it was a deliberate reference a few months before this article the then current writer of GI Joe comics, Aubrey Sitterson, HAD unironically claimed only New Yorkers got to mourn 9/11. In only one of two examples in the era I can think of, the awful comic writer that was using an establish brand to shill his horrid politics actually got sacked for it, and only because GI Joe fans made a big enough stink to get Hasbro to force the licensee to terminate him (the ONLY other case I’m aware of of one of these vandals getting fired was a Muslim artist who was inserting not in the slightest bit subtle Quran verse numbers about Judaism in the background) .

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