My ancestor (maybe) shows up on Minimum Wage Historian

Because conquistadors get the longest killing streaks and unlock mad perks. 

Am I related to Gaspar Correia? I don’t actually know. However, he was a historian who made up wild crap about monsters and mystical adventures because writing about actual real stuff was lame. So if we are related at least I know where I get it from.  

Vasco – Hey, Correia. What’s on the other side of those mountains? I don’t think the Portuguese have ever gone there. Correia – Oh, those mountains? That’s where there are dragon mummies that are ridden by ninjas who fight gladiatorial battles in an arena made of solid gold. Vasco – Oh. Groovy. Hey, let’s go pillage the **** out of that village.

Because my ancestors simply did not give a crap. Outnumbered 8,000 to 1? Well, that means we might be late for dinner.

The Trayvon Martin shooting
The Burning Throne, Episode 20: Aerie of the Sky Riders

23 thoughts on “My ancestor (maybe) shows up on Minimum Wage Historian”

  1. Sounds plausible to me. I’ve had family on two or more sides of a lot conflicts over the last 500 years. WW II was bad. So was the US Civil War. We actually had two brothers on opposite sides.

  2. Here’s an interesting song from the Tories of the US Revolution: It’s called either “Long Live the King of England” or “The Ranger Song””

    The Ranger Song

    Murder ye bloody heathens
    We’ll fight for any reason,
    Long Live the King of England
    And all his mercenaries;
    We’ll kill the Goddamn rebels
    Burn the bastards’ homes to pebbles
    Long Live the King of England
    Up with the flag.

    chorus: Singing rape, rape the bastards’ women,
    Loot, loot their rum and linen
    All we shall leave
    Are some bodies and some pregnant women,
    Live or die it’s just as well
    We’ll all meet again in hell, so
    Long Live the King of England
    Up with the flag.

    Burn the barns and burn the stables
    defecate on the dinner tables
    Steal the silver and the gold
    shoot the young and knife the old
    We will loot when we’re done killing
    We won’t leave a goddamn shilling
    Long Live the King of England
    Up with the flag.


    We eat children when in season
    though a baby is more pleasin’
    We’re not crude and we’re not heathens
    Just preventing future treasons
    Get them while they’re still in bed
    And Serve me up a boiled head
    Long Live the King of England
    Up with the flag.

    If you seek a life of glory,
    Come and join our noble comp’ny
    Take the Shilling, don the redcoat
    Rum is free and lasses more so
    All that you can steal or carry
    You can keep or even marry!
    Long live the King of England
    Up with the flag.

    1. I’m pretty sure this song was made up by revolutionary war reenactors during the bicentennial. It’s not an original song at all. In fact, I know some of the people who came up with the lyrics during a drinking bout around a campfire! I could be wrong, but this is what I’ve heard from the community. Funny to see how much it’s spread.

  3. >>Because my ancestors simply did not give a crap. Outnumbered 8,000 to 1? Well, that means we might be late for dinner.<<

    Sounds like your ancestors were Honey Badgers!

  4. Gee, that makes mine sound like under achievers. We got tossed out of Scotland for “liftin’ th’ kai”, ejected from Ulster, and invited to leave several colonies and territories prior to 1860. Oh, and one black sheep designed and built clipper ships, while another was Chief Justice of the U.S.

    Scots-Irish vs. Spanish vs. honey-badgers. Now there would be a battle!

  5. If ‘ol Gaspar had a word processor might we have seen “Heathen Hunters International” or “Pagan Hunters Crusade”?


    Although number one in manuscript sales for Science Fictions and Rural Fantasy for many Sabbaths running, HHI would have of course been panned by the Papal Indulgence Times scroll inquisitors guild as ‘pulpy ‘old school’ ‘trash’ that could only appeal to the sensibilities of the ‘lowest common serf’.

    To wit:

    “…’Cause anyone who’s anyone knows that there’s no such thing as heart-chucking ninja super priests atop pyramids with snarling pet Chupacabras and obsidian knives forged in the fiery depths of hell itself by demon snakes with wings.”

    “And come on? Deadly Mermaids are supposed to be harmless sea cows? Sea Cows?! Tell that to all the sailors who’ve followed their siren call off the edge of the ocean blue…Next thing you know, Gaspar will entertain the peasants by writing tales positing how Chicken of the Sea is really just fish in a can.

    Dear Mother Mary! Talk about suspension of disbelief…”


  6. Hey,

    I just finished reading Hard Magic. It was the first book of yours that i have come across. I wanted to thank you for such a fun experience.

    I know it’s not related to the post but I figured you might actually read this.

  7. Hernando Cortez off loaded his men, horses, and supplies to the beach. He then torched the ships, pointed inland and said (in medieval Spanish) “Conquer or die!”
    Now there’s a man who understands “Motivation.”
    He could have taught Mr. Lombardi a thing or two.

  8. How long do you think a denizen of todays’ modern world would have lasted in the 15-19th Centuries? Don’t use us as your starting point. just take 10 college grads, 5 male, 5 female, from any major university. *NONE* can be ROTC grads of any kind.
    I wager they’d be toast. The Europeans might last 15 seconds longer because they might have the lingo. You know what happens to the attractive women.
    Even a 3rd world peasant from South America would do better. Our societies have developed entire nations of wusses. They channel their aggressive people in to the military and police.
    If you make a reference to Rome and Carthage regarding today’s GWOT, you are “too aggressive”. Uh, pardon me, but they want to cut my head off.

    1. Well, yeah, people who are not used to an environment won’t do well there. How long would a 15C person last in Los Angeles? How long would either set last in New Guinea, or the Kalahari?

  9. I suggest reading a copy of Bernal Diaz del Castillo’s account of the Conquest.

    It’s available for free on the gutenberg site.

  10. I suggest reading a copy of Bernal Diaz del Castillo’s account of the Conquest.

    It’s available for free on the gutenberg site.

    ( I appologize for the triple post … wordpress is being retarded again, and defaulting to too much personal info )

      1. ( Now I’m getting angry … WordPress just inflicted a toolbar on my browser … I’ll need to root it out and block that as well. )

        Díaz del Castillo, Bernal (1963) [1632]. The Conquest of New Spain.

        That was the latest English translation of Conquistador Bernal’s original work, and is still under copyright. There are some not so good bowdlerized versions in English dating from the 1860s on the Project Gutenberg site for free. The original Spanish/Castilian version is also available on the net.

    1. The characiture of Larry is great.
      Has that Resigned look of “Customer has asked me one to many stupid questions and spent way to long asking them before my coffee and I might use this tetsubo to bludgeon them”

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