Tis the season for Noun.
I know the time has come to begin my careful preparation of the Monster Hunter Nation’s annual Christmas Noun Celebration when all the stores begin putting out Christmas decorations, so mid-September. By early November I know it is really time to get writing because all radio stations switch to playing a twenty-four hour loop of the song Favorite Things.
Which is, by the way, the worst Christmas song ever made, especially since it isn’t actually a Christmas song, but everybody plays it this time of year. This song is evil. Just listen to the lyrics, when you are being bitten my vicious dogs or stung by furious swarms of insects it says you should think of snowflakes and crap. That’s terrible advice to be giving impressionable children. I’m surprised there’s not another verse in there that says when you catch on fire, don’t stop, drop, and roll, but rather pause for a moment and think about icicles and peppermint sprinkles.
I think Rodgers and Hammerstein just hated kids and wanted them to stand there stupidly while being stung to death by bees, but that is a topic for another day.
This is the fourth year I’ve prepared a Christmas masterpiece. Inspired by bestselling novels about Christmas Jars, Boxes, Sweaters, Letters, and other assorted nouns, back in 2008 I decided that I needed to write an epic tale of Christmas redemption in order to cash in and make serious bank. Thus the Christmas Noun tradition was born.
In 2008: http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2008/12/22/the-christmas-noun/ Young Tim overcame his hatred of Christmas to battle the Anti-Claus in the Peppermint Thunderdome to save Christmas forever.
Until Christmas was threatened again in 2009 in The Nounening: http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2009/12/08/the-christmas-noun-2-the-nounening/ Stabby the Snowman was stopped by the Global Warming Power of Love and the Christmas Noun, and Tim saved Christmas forever again.
Until 2010, in The Gritty Reboot: http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2010/12/10/the-christmas-noun-3d-the-gritty-reboot/ Rudolf and the Reindeer Separatists declare jihad on Christmas, and Julian Assange is slowly devoured by piranha. (there weren’t that many of them and they were already kind of full) Directed by James Cameron in mind blowing 3D. In memory of James Cameron, who was lost in a freak reindeer accident during the filming of Christmas Noun 3D.
Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado, here are excerpts from the upcoming fourth installment of my epic Christmas saga.
THE CHRISTMAS NOUN 4
OCCUPY CHRISTMAS NOUN
Written by Larry Correia, Directed by Michael Bay. Soundtrack by Tangerine Dream.
Opening Introduction narrated by Ron Perlman.
As Christmas decks the halls, a darkness decks the hearts of men.
At first came the music. Then came the rage…
The Whos of Whoville had been helpless against his Arashikage Ninja stealth training. He owned the night. Victory had been within his grasp, but a moment of weakness and a runaway sleigh had snatched it from his hands, causing his heart to triple in size.
This dangerous cardiac state caused him to return their snoof and their tringlers and fuzzles. He brought back their pantookas, their dafflers, and wuzzles. He did lots of things that rhymed with made up words and everyone was happy… Or so the story goes…
They called him the Grinch.
Once before he’d tried to steal Christmas, and once before, he’d tasted the bitter agony of defeat. This time he vowed things would be different. Now his evil prepares to consume the Earth, like how your relatives staying at your house for the holidays consume all your spiral cut ham… Yum. Ham.
The Grinch has returned with a dastardly new scheme. Steal Christmas? No… Times have changed. Now the Grinch intends to redistribute Christmas.
The only thing that stands in the way of the Grinch’s nefarious plot is the righteous power of the Christmas Noun.
Because Christmas… Christmas never changes.
From Chapter 1
The Grinch stood on top of the overturned police car and shouted through his bullhorn. “It isn’t right that one man determines who is naughty and who is nice! I’ll say it twice!”
His army of disaffected morons were battling the riot police, egged on by the Grinch’s fiery, poorly rhyming rhetoric. They Occupy North Pole protestors held up their signs that read things like:
IT ISN’T FAIR THE GOOD CHILDREN GET ALL THE TOYS.
REINDEER ARE PEOPLE TOO.
SANTA IS A CORPORATE SHILL. ELVES OF THE WORLD UNITE!
1% OF THE HOLIDAYS GET 99% OF THE EGG NOG.
The Grinch surveyed the mob of useful idiots. Their makeshift tent city of Bum Town smelled of hemp and poop. They were stinky, whiney, annoying hippies, but the Grinch knew that he could manipulate them into doing exactly what he wanted, just like George Soros had before him.
After Julian Assange had wikileaked the Naught/Nice list last year, it had been child’s play to manipulate the lazy, stupid, apathetic losers that wound up on the Naughty list into throwing tantrums about those that had worked hard to make it onto the Good list. The mobs had taken over the cities. Santa’s workshop was under siege. That was phase one. Phase two would ensure that Christmas would be ruined for everyone.
He knew it was evil, but the Grinch had been driven mad from fifty-three years of listening to the Whos’ floofoovers, tartookas, whohoppers, sloosunkas and other gibberish words. His heart had exploded, and worst of all, he had been portrayed by Jim Carrey in a really strange movie version of the events. The Grinch was so damaged that he had developed a terrible compulsion to make everything rhyme.
“Santa will pay. Or so I say,” the Grinch told his evil henchmen. His weird little reindeer dog Max had run away, so he had replaced him with a hippy named Swampy. He had stapled reindeer horns onto Swampy’s head, but the hippy been too stoned to notice.
“Huh?” said Swampy, who had been busy tweeting on his iPhone.
“He’ll rue the day. Okay?”
“Yeah, cool. Whatever man. As long as I get free stuff. I don’t want to pay all those student loans for my degree in gender studies.” Swampy went back to tweeting. “That’s so lame.”
The evil ninja wrecker of Christmas nodded approvingly. The ignorant goons that made up the Naughty list would be more than a match for the power of the Christmas Noun. The Grinch had even painted his face all creepy like the Heath Ledger version of the Joker… Because some men just wanted to watch Christmas burn.
“You put me on the naughty list, I punch you with my fist!” The Grinch roared into his bullhorn. The idiot hippies gave him up twinkles.
From Chapter 1
It had been several months since Tim, the man who had saved Christmas three times, Hanukah twice, and even Arbor Day once, had opened his Black Tiger Kung Fu and Mall Santa Prep Academy for Inner City Youths. He watched with pride as his students practiced their roundhouse kicks in orderly rows of red and white padded suits. Chants of “Ho Ho KIIIIIII-YAAAAAA!” filled the air. A whole new generation of Christmas Noun defending warriors would be ready in time for the Black Friday rush. Life was good for Tim.
However, since this was the fourth installment of the franchise, Tim’s character arc required that he finally have achieved happiness, but as an action hero, also be very bored with his newfound easy life. Luckily, Hollywood has a formula for everything.
“Oh, Tim,” said Sally Love-Interest as she joined him on the balcony overlooking the grueling training of the mall Santa dojo. “Our grown son is being troublesome again.”
Tim sighed. “Though Tim Junior is exactly like me in a lot of ways, and we share many of the same action hero traits, I can’t see those similarities at all, and instead focus on our differences. As usual I’ll be disapproving of him until we both learn a valuable life lesson. Don’t you worry… So what is it this time?”
“I’m afraid he’s fallen in with a bad crowd. Tim Junior is hanging out with that OWS bunch and doesn’t appreciate the spirit of the Christmas Noun!”
Tim put his arm around his lovely young wife, and she really was lovely, because since this was the fourth installment of the series, the actress that played Sally Love-Interest in the previous episodes had been replaced with a younger, hotter actress. “Don’t you worry, dear. I’m sure some life altering adventure will occur that will make the two of us understand each other better, eventually we will work together as father and son, and then he’ll be ready to spin off the franchise should I get too old or want too much money.”
From Chapter 2
Tim Junior had attended the Occupy North Pole rally, not that he really believed in the redistribution of Christmas, which was just a nicer word for stealing, but a whole bunch of clueless college girls did, and Tim Junior had discovered that OWS was a great way to meet slutty chicks. It had been pretty fun for awhile, but the lack of hygiene and the recent tuberculosis outbreaks had been the last straw, so he was bailing. He had just picked up a copy of Skyrim for the Xbox and knew how he was going to spend the next eighty to a hundred hours.
“Dad? What’re you doing here?”
Tim Senior had been hiding in the bushes in his ghillie suit, spying on the Grinch’s command tent. “I’m trying to stop the Grinch from destroying Christmas.”
“Come on, Dad. He only wants to redistribute Christmas. Not destroy it. It isn’t fair for some percentage of something to control another percentage of whatever, numbers and stuff.”
Tim knew his grown son wasn’t that stupid. “You don’t buy that line of crap, do you?”
“Of course not. I realize you’re totally right and that lunatic is going to blow up Christmas, but I’ve got to disagree with you on the principle that we need to have a mandatory father-son conflict. It makes for good drama.”
“Could we just skip that part and get to the kung-fu fighting? We’ve got a huge special effects budget to blow through. We don’t want this to turn into a Transformer’s movie where everybody fast forwards through every scene with humans in it just to get to the giant robot fights!”
Tim Junior swallowed with nervous apprehension. As a desperate attempt to put life into an old franchise as a suddenly grown son, he didn’t want to end up all hated by fans like Mutt had at the end of Indiana Jones 4. Please, don’t make me swing with the monkeys. “You’re right, Dad. Let’s go kick some ass.”
“Let’s kick ass… For Christmas!” They shook on it and the music got all dramatic.
From Chapter 4
“Stop right there, Grinch!” Tim Senior shouted. “Let the Christmas Noun go!”
The Grinch drew his sword. “I was humming, because I knew you were coming. I must fly, but first you die!”
Tim began spinning his nunchucks. “Why do you keep rhyming like that?”
“My heart’s an empty hole. I’ve got garlic in my soul!”
“Seriously, dude. You’ve got mental issues.”
But the Grinch’s ninja fighting abilities were shockingly awesome. “My sword skills shine through! I have the strength of ten Grinches plus two!” Then he threw a leaping back kick and knocked Tim through a wall in a dramatic Matrix style slow motion shot.
From Chapter 5
Tim Junior knocked on the door in a panic. It opened to reveal Lance Henriksen. “What? Who are you? I don’t want any. Go away.”
Tim Junior barely managed to get his foot in the door before the grizzled actor could close it. “Are you the ghost of Christmas Future-Past? I need you to help save Christmas!”
“What is it now, Christmas Draculas? –(editor’s note, save this idea for next year.) Beat it, kid. You got the wrong guy.”
“But I recognize your voice from Call of Duty! Half the gamers in America have hit you in the forehead with a throwing knife!”
“Hey, spoiler alert, jerk.”
“The story didn’t make any sense anyway! Come on, Mr. Henriksen, you have to help me. My dad and the Christmas Noun have been kidnapped by the Grinch who redistributed Christmas!”
“This nonsense again?” Lance Henriksen sighed. “Damn it. Did Walken put you up to this? Terrorist reindeer, murderous snowmen, I’m sick of this crap. I’m retired from Christmas ghosting. I’ve got work on Mustache and the Fat Man. It’s an exciting new buddy cop show starring John Bolton and Chris Christie. I’m this season’s villain.”
“But I need an Obi-Wan character to walk me through a training montage!”
The grizzled veteran of several Christmas Noun adventures looked over Tim Junior disapprovingly. “Are you sure you’re Tim’s kid? You look way too old.”
“Hey, the guy that played Brendan Fraser’s grown son in the last Mummy movie was only thirteen years younger than Brendan Fraser was. Come on, Mr. Henriksen. The Christmas Noun needs you.”
Lance Henriksen rubbed his grizzled face in his grizzled hands. “All right. You’re lucky I’m such an incredible badass that never turns down any work. Did you know I’ve been in like half a dozen bigfoot movies?”
“You really do make everything better. You’re like bacon for movies.”
“I know… Come in.”
From Chapter 6
“Your plan is madness!” Tim shouted as he struggled against his handcuffs. “You’ve planned for the Occupiers to stew in their own filth so long that there would be an inevitable zombie outbreak! Millions will be eaten by zombies!”
The Grinch laughed with his maniacal Grinch laugh. “I thought of this before! I’ll make Christmas sore! When I unleash my zombies… I’ll… I’ll…” The Grinch frowned. “Uh… Hmmm…”
“Ha!” Tim laughed at the Grinch. “Suck it. Nothing rhymes with zombie!”
To be fair, it wasn’t any weirder than fahoo forays and dahoo dorays.
From Chapter 7
Sally Love-Interest and Santa’s elves stood around the television and watched as MSNBC showed the horror that was unfolding live at the site of Occupy Christmas Noun.
“This just in. We are receiving eye witness reports that the Occupy protestors are actually eating people’s brains. We go now live to the scene.”
“Hi, Tammy. I’m down here at Wall Street, and as you can see behind me, the protestors have turned into a ravenous horde of undead monstrosities. It is a scene of unbelievable horror. As you can see, these protestors are actually pulling someone’s entrails out… Now they’re eating his face. Oh, the humanity!”
“Thanks, Jim. Now with me in studio are some pundits from both sides of the political spectrum. What do you think of this development with the protestors, Flaming Pinko Pundit?”
“Well, I just think this goes to show how bad the capitalist pig-dogs have made everything. OWS is a legitimate non-astroturf political movement that totally isn’t backed by Nazis, Communists, union thugs, and evil anti-Christmas ninjas. I’m sure all these reports of rape, murder, thousands of arrests, mayhem, property damage, public street pooping, tuberculosis, scabies, and now a zombie apocalypse are all exaggerations by the vast right wing conspiracy and racist bloggers. And even if they were zombies, it is a result of evil corporations.”
“Thanks, Flaming Pinko Pundit. Now for the other side of the issue. Screaming Liberal Pundit?”
“Just because they are eating people’s brains doesn’t mean that they don’t still have a valid political message. Not like those racist tea baggers.”
“Amen to that. Thank you both for coming on to look at all sides of the issue. Now let’s go back to Jim down live at Wall Street. Jim?”
“Ahhhh! No! No! Not my spleen! NOOOOOOOOOOglrglslglslslll…”
“We seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties from Jim down at Wall Street. Let’s take a brief commercial break. Now a word from our corporate overlord, GE, who pays absolutely no taxes, which is the sort of the thing the OWS protestors probably shouldn’t like, but GE’s CEO is an economic advisor and golf buddy with the president, who the protestors love, so GE is totally not one of those evil greedy corporations all these noble protestors are protesting, because that wouldn’t make any sense at all.”
Sally turned MSNBC off. She looked at the elves. “It’s official. We’re f****d.”
From Chapter 9
The action scene that just happened was probably the most mind blowing thing you’ve ever seen. You are going to have to buy the Bluray just so you can watch it over and over again. You literally did not know that someone could have a car chase involving a monster truck driving manatee versus a sentient rocket sled, while simultaneously chainsaw dueling two velociraptors. If I don’t win the Hugo for that, there is something fundamentally wrong with the universe.
Man, I’ve got to catch my breath. Okay… I’m cool.
As the monster truck rolled to a stop, the two Tims jumped out of the back. Tim Junior gave the manatee a high five. “Thanks, Wendell.”
“Mewoooooooooooo” said Wendell the manatee, before he roared off into the sunset in his badass monster truck. Tim Junior didn’t know what to say, because he didn’t speak manatee. So he simply waved at the courageous cetacean.
Tim Senior walked over to the mortally wounded Grinch, who was impaled on Swampy’s antlers.
“Wow…” gasped the Grinch. “How?”
“After last year’s reindeer incident, I had the Christmas Noun insured by Stranger and Stranger interdimensional insurance. Your zombies were no match for a Combat Wombat set on mulch. The Christmas Noun is safe. Your plans are foiled.”
“You heroes are lame. It’s always the same…” the Grinch coughed, choking on his own blood. “I hate Christmas season, without good reason. For lent, I think I might repent. I redistributed the presents, which I suppose was unpleasant. There once was a Who from Nantucket, and—” But Tim Senior was sick and tired of rhyming, so went over and choked the Grinch to death with a string of discarded Christmas lights.
Tim Junior joined his father over the Grinch’s corpse. “So this is what saving Christmas is like?”
Tim Senior’s Santa hat blew by in the wind and landed at Tim Junior’s feet. He looked down at it. “No offense, Dad, but I think I’m going to go back to school and become a dental hygienist. I really don’t think the family business is for me.”
Tim Senior put his arm around his grown son’s shoulder. “That’s for the best, my grown son. Early test audience results say that you really didn’t improve our ratings.”
“So I’m just like Shia LaBeouf?”
“I’m afraid so, son. You are part of canon, but probably best forgotten.” Tim Senior picked up his Santa hat and put it back on. “But don’t worry. Next year’s Christmas Noun will be episode five, and you know what that means.”
“You add the Rock to the cast?”
“Now you’re catching on. He even made the Fast and Furious cool again. And the new GI Joe trailer actually looks promising. Come on, Tim Junior. Let’s walk dramatically into the sunset while the credits roll and the theme song plays.”
Oh Christmas Noun, oh Christmas Noun
How lovely are your adverbs
Oh Christmas Noun, oh Christmas Noun
You kill ninjas with your throwing stars
You save the day, oh Christmas Noun
You did kung fu, with a rodeo clown
Oh Christmas Noun, oh Christmas Noun
You wreck face with a manatee
Oh Christmas Noun, oh Christmas Noun
La la la la something something
Final Epilogue narrated by Ron Perlman.
I don’t even know why I’m here… I was the most popular part last year? I didn’t know that. You couldn’t tell from how crappy the pay is for this gig. Seriously, Larry Correia tried to pay me with a gift basket, the cheap bastard… Well, okay, the cheese ball was pretty good…. Port wine and Wheat Thins. Yeah, yeah, it’s in the contract… You’re a terrible agent, Marty. Whatever… Oh, wait. We’re recording already? Dang it. Gotta go.
Most of the protestors turned into mindless zombies, but hardly anyone noticed. Once it became an embarrassing parody of an actual political movement, Occupy Wall Street collapsed so quickly that it barely even had time to make it into a Christmas Noun story without seeming dated.
MSNBC went bankrupt and their programming was replaced with infomercials for Mighty Putty. Ratings skyrocketed.
Upon seeing him on the news, Swampy’s upper middle class parents kicked him out of their basement, and the thirty-two year college student had to get his first job. He was later fired for licking the frogs at Pet Co.
Wendell the manatee became a great leader amongst his people. He is currently running for the Florida state legislature.
The retired ghost of Christmas future-past, Lance Henriksen, went on to win an Emmy for his role in the hit number one rated series Mustache and the Fat Man for his portrayal of Vito “The Shiv” Scarluchi.
Tim Junior met a nice Canadian girl in dental hygienist school, got married, and moved to Alberta. Now he occasionally saves Boxing Day.
Tim Senior and Sally Love-Interest continued to live happily ever after, until next December when they will experience the horror of the TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS NOUN: CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE EDITION.
Because Christmas… Christmas never changes.