ANNOUNCER: “ Don’t worry everyone, coverage of the Annual Macy’s Draw Mohammed Day Parade will continue in a minute, but first a word from one of our parade sponsors, Stranger and Stranger Insurance. Because you’re in Strange Hands with Tom Stranger.”
CUT TO –
EXTERIOR SHOT – DAYTIME IN A PARK. Children play on a jungle gym. Happy parents look on. There is giggling and birds singing. Suddenly a tear appears in the fabric of space and time and dinosaurs wearing Nazi uniforms spill out onto the playground. Parents scream as children are plucked from the slide and eaten.
VOICEOVER: “Has this every happened to you?”
CLOSEUP. A doll lies on the ground and is squished beneath a dinosaur foot with a swastika on it.
CAMERA PANS BACK TO REVEAL TOM STRANGER: “Hello. I’m Tom Stranger, of Stranger and Stranger Interdimensional Insurance. Did you know that over a million paradoxical Hawking rifts occur every day across the multi-verse?”
EXTERIOR SHOT – STATUE OF LIBERTY. A giant Cthuloid tentacle horror beast is humping the Statue of Liberty’s leg like a deranged poodle.
TOM STRANGER: “Well, now you do.”
MAN ON THE STREET INTERVIEW: “It was horrible. One minute we were eating dinner, and the next, this buffed guy wearing a hockey mask and driving a dune buggy crashed through our dining room. He said his name was Lord Humungous. The next thing I knew I was hanging from a bungee cord, having a chainsaw fight against a retarded guy with a bucket on his head! Master Blaster! NOOOOO!!” – he begins to sob.
Tom Stranger appears and pats the sobbing man on the back in a reassuring manner.
TOM STRANGER: – looks at camera – “But because Mr. Lawson here had Stranger and Stranger Post-Apocalyptic Barbarian Insurance, he was fully covered. “
CUT TO-INTERIOR SHOT-THUNDERDOME – Tom Stranger is arguing with Lord Humungous and somebody that looks like Genghis Kahn. Hell, it probably is Genghis Kahn. Lord Humungous throws his hands up in the air and stomps away, obviously frustrated.
TOM STRANGER VOICEOVER: “I was able to get Mr. Lawson’s dimension fixed back the way it had been, and they even had to pay to vat grow him some new legs.”
MR. LAWSON: “These new legs are way cooler than my old ones! Whee! Thanks, Tom Stranger!”
EXTERIOR SHOT – THE PLAYGROUND. Nazi dinosaurs are all trying to do that Heil salute, but it is difficult with their stubby little arms. Tom Stranger falls out of the sky and lands, crouched, in the middle of the Nazi dinosaurs. They turn to look at him, surprised. Tom Stranger reaches both hands into his suit coat and comes out with a CCW (CorreiaTech Combat Wombat) pistol in each hand. A Tyrannosaurs with a little Hitler mustache roars, but then Hitlersaurus Rex explodes into a shower of blood and meat chunks as a 3mm hypervelocity round strikes it at over 50,000 feet per second.
CUT TO – R. LEE ERMEY: “I’m Secretary of Defense, R. Lee Ermey. We got invaded, but my dimension had Stranger and Stranger extended space marauder coverage. After being ****ed over by a horde of purple ***** sucking **** rags, Tom kicked their asses! It was a mach 4 pterodactyl rodeo! OOOH RAH! Tom Stranger’s customer service is OUTSTANDING!”
EXTERIOR SHOT – PARIS: Gritty shaky-cam style – The Eiffel tower is on fire. It is chaos as an army of My Little Ponies run through the streets with chainsaws. A mime silently pleads for his life but is brutally chainsawed by My Little Pony Sparkle-Butt. Blood splatters the screen as the camera falls with a clatter.
VOICEOVER: “No one thinks they need Interdimensional insurance until it is too late. Don’t let this happen to you…”
CUT TO – A hand wipes mime blood from the camera lens. The camera is picked up. In the background a Stranger & Stranger BattleMech stomps the stuffing out of Sparkle-Butt, then turns to the camera and gives a robotic thumbs up.
TOM STRANGER SITS BEHIND A DESK, LOOKING CONCERNED: “Think of us as homeowner’s, but for your dimension. All three of my hearts swell with sadness every time I see a planet destroyed when it doesn’t have to be. Because here at Stranger and Stranger, we care.” TOM STRANGER ACTIVATES A HOLOGRAM ON HIS DESK. HE IMMEDIATELY CHEERS UP. “And we’ll even provide a free rate quote from us and each of our competitors.”
CLOSE UP OF HOLOGRAM – Stranger & Stranger is like billions of dollars cheaper. The next quote is for Conundrum & Company.
TOM STRANGER: -mutters as he stares into the hologram- “I hate you Jeff Conundrum, so very much.” – VOICE DROPS TO A DEADLY WHISPER – “You’ll pay, Conundrum. I swear you’ll pay.” – TOM REMEMBERS HE IS ON TV. TURNS BACK TO CAMERA AND GIVES A FRIENDLY SMILE.
FADE TO BLACK
THE WORD “TESTIMONIALS” APPEARS.
CUT TO – ADAM BALDWIN: “I’m Adam Baldwin, President of the United States of America on Earth 345-Bravo-98081. You may remember me from such programs as Big Hollywood the Animated Series, The Grimnoir Chronicles, and the Serenity trilogy. Tom Stranger saved our entire planet with his—“
GOES TO SPLIT SCREEN –
BARACK OBAMA: “And I’m El Presidente for Life on Earth 782-S-32591. We also use Stranger an–”
ADAM BALDWIN: “Hey, I was talking, jerk.”
BARACK OBAMA: “Well, I got bored. And that hat makes you look stupid.”
ADAM BALDWIN: “I think it makes me look cunning. You take that back.”
BARACK OBAMA: -nose in air- “I’ll have you know I’m very important on my planet.”
ADAM BALDWIN: “And I swear on Charlton Heston’s magic laser sword that I truly do not give a flying crap. Apologize to my hat.”
BARACK OBAMA: “ I only apologize to dictators, terrorists, and occasionally the mayor of Cleveland, if I get caught up in the moment. It’ll be a cold day in Kenya before I apologize to a libertarian-space-cowboy.”
R. LEE ERMEY: – shoves his way onto camera – “Let me through, Prez. Nobody talks **** to my dimension! Hey, big ears! I know you! You’re that maggot that can’t even pronounce Corpsman correctly! Nobody disrespects my beloved Corp or my President’s hat! I’ll plant my Space Marine size 12 combat boot in your corn-hole! Hey! Yeah, I’m talking to you, maggot! Eyes over here. Your teleprompter can’t save you now!“
BARACK OBAMA: – confused – “You kiss your mama with that mouth?”
R. LEE ERMEY: “No, but I kiss yours with it!”
BARACK OBAMA: – sputters – “This means war!”
CUT TO – TOM STRANGER AT HIS DESK, PERPLEXED. – shrugs – “Well, that just goes to demonstrate that when multiple alternate realities collide… things can get a little…”
VOICEOVER GUY: Strange?
TOM STRANGER: – chuckles – “I suppose so. “ HUGE EXPLOSION NOISE IN BACKGROUND. “Wow. That guy from Family Matters is going to be in for one heck of a surprise when he finds out their policy lapsed when their check bounced! Well, it looks like I’ve got to get back to work. It’s been nice chatting with you, Earth 745-Q-15832. Enjoy your Mohammed Day parade.”
VOICEOVER GUY: – whispers to Tom.
TOM STRANGER: “Oh… this is a dimension where the people stood up to those bullies. Oh. Sorry about that. I mixed you up with that other Earth where their comedy program network talks a big game, but only makes fun of religions that don’t cut people’s heads off. This multi-verse thing can get really complicated. My sincere apologies to your…” TOM CHECKS GUIDE BOOK, “Emperor ManBearPig. Bye bye.” TOM WAVES AT CAMERA.
FADE TO BLACK.
Join us next week for the further adventures of Tom Stranger, Interdimensional Insurance Agent, when Tom meets his dreaded nemesis, Jeff Conundrum, in ARBITRATION ON MORDOR STATION. https://monsterhunternation.com/2010/06/01/tom-stranger-interdimensional-insurance-agent-in-arbitration-at-mordor-station/