Continued from: http://MonsterHunterNation.com/2010/05/17/the-adventures-of-tom-stranger-interdimensional-insurance-agent/
ANNOUNCER: “ Don’t worry everyone, coverage of the Annual Macy’s Draw Mohammed Day Parade will continue in a minute, but first a word from one of our parade sponsors, Stranger and Stranger Insurance. Because you’re in Strange Hands with Tom Stranger.”
CUT TO –
EXTERIOR SHOT – DAYTIME IN A PARK. Children play on a jungle gym. Happy parents look on. There is giggling and birds singing. Suddenly a tear appears in the fabric of space and time and dinosaurs wearing Nazi uniforms spill out onto the playground. Parents scream as children are plucked from the slide and eaten.
VOICEOVER: “Has this every happened to you?”
CLOSEUP. A doll lies on the ground and is squished beneath a dinosaur foot with a swastika on it.
CAMERA PANS BACK TO REVEAL TOM STRANGER: “Hello. I’m Tom Stranger, of Stranger and Stranger Interdimensional Insurance. Did you know that over a million paradoxical Hawking rifts occur every day across the multi-verse?”
EXTERIOR SHOT – STATUE OF LIBERTY. A giant Cthuloid tentacle horror beast is humping the Statue of Liberty’s leg like a deranged poodle.
TOM STRANGER: “Well, now you do.”
MAN ON THE STREET INTERVIEW: “It was horrible. One minute we were eating dinner, and the next, this buffed guy wearing a hockey mask and driving a dune buggy crashed through our dining room. He said his name was Lord Humungous. The next thing I knew I was hanging from a bungee cord, having a chainsaw fight against a retarded guy with a bucket on his head! Master Blaster! NOOOOO!!” – he begins to sob.
Tom Stranger appears and pats the sobbing man on the back in a reassuring manner.
TOM STRANGER: – looks at camera – “But because Mr. Lawson here had Stranger and Stranger Post-Apocalyptic Barbarian Insurance, he was fully covered. “
CUT TO-INTERIOR SHOT-THUNDERDOME – Tom Stranger is arguing with Lord Humungous and somebody that looks like Genghis Kahn. Hell, it probably is Genghis Kahn. Lord Humungous throws his hands up in the air and stomps away, obviously frustrated.
TOM STRANGER VOICEOVER: “I was able to get Mr. Lawson’s dimension fixed back the way it had been, and they even had to pay to vat grow him some new legs.”
MR. LAWSON: “These new legs are way cooler than my old ones! Whee! Thanks, Tom Stranger!”
EXTERIOR SHOT – THE PLAYGROUND. Nazi dinosaurs are all trying to do that Heil salute, but it is difficult with their stubby little arms. Tom Stranger falls out of the sky and lands, crouched, in the middle of the Nazi dinosaurs. They turn to look at him, surprised. Tom Stranger reaches both hands into his suit coat and comes out with a CCW (CorreiaTech Combat Wombat) pistol in each hand. A Tyrannosaurs with a little Hitler mustache roars, but then Hitlersaurus Rex explodes into a shower of blood and meat chunks as a 3mm hypervelocity round strikes it at over 50,000 feet per second.
CUT TO – R. LEE ERMEY: “I’m Secretary of Defense, R. Lee Ermey. We got invaded, but my dimension had Stranger and Stranger extended space marauder coverage. After being ****ed over by a horde of purple ***** sucking **** rags, Tom kicked their asses! It was a mach 4 pterodactyl rodeo! OOOH RAH! Tom Stranger’s customer service is OUTSTANDING!”
EXTERIOR SHOT – PARIS: Gritty shaky-cam style – The Eiffel tower is on fire. It is chaos as an army of My Little Ponies run through the streets with chainsaws. A mime silently pleads for his life but is brutally chainsawed by My Little Pony Sparkle-Butt. Blood splatters the screen as the camera falls with a clatter.
VOICEOVER: “No one thinks they need Interdimensional insurance until it is too late. Don’t let this happen to you…”
CUT TO – A hand wipes mime blood from the camera lens. The camera is picked up. In the background a Stranger & Stranger BattleMech stomps the stuffing out of Sparkle-Butt, then turns to the camera and gives a robotic thumbs up.
TOM STRANGER SITS BEHIND A DESK, LOOKING CONCERNED: “Think of us as homeowner’s, but for your dimension. All three of my hearts swell with sadness every time I see a planet destroyed when it doesn’t have to be. Because here at Stranger and Stranger, we care.” TOM STRANGER ACTIVATES A HOLOGRAM ON HIS DESK. HE IMMEDIATELY CHEERS UP. “And we’ll even provide a free rate quote from us and each of our competitors.”
CLOSE UP OF HOLOGRAM – Stranger & Stranger is like billions of dollars cheaper. The next quote is for Conundrum & Company.
TOM STRANGER: -mutters as he stares into the hologram- “I hate you Jeff Conundrum, so very much.” – VOICE DROPS TO A DEADLY WHISPER – “You’ll pay, Conundrum. I swear you’ll pay.” – TOM REMEMBERS HE IS ON TV. TURNS BACK TO CAMERA AND GIVES A FRIENDLY SMILE.
FADE TO BLACK
THE WORD “TESTIMONIALS” APPEARS.
CUT TO – ADAM BALDWIN: “I’m Adam Baldwin, President of the United States of America on Earth 345-Bravo-98081. You may remember me from such programs as Big Hollywood the Animated Series, The Grimnoir Chronicles, and the Serenity trilogy. Tom Stranger saved our entire planet with his—“
GOES TO SPLIT SCREEN –
BARACK OBAMA: “And I’m El Presidente for Life on Earth 782-S-32591. We also use Stranger an–”
ADAM BALDWIN: “Hey, I was talking, jerk.”
BARACK OBAMA: “Well, I got bored. And that hat makes you look stupid.”
ADAM BALDWIN: “I think it makes me look cunning. You take that back.”
BARACK OBAMA: -nose in air- “I’ll have you know I’m very important on my planet.”
ADAM BALDWIN: “And I swear on Charlton Heston’s magic laser sword that I truly do not give a flying crap. Apologize to my hat.”
BARACK OBAMA: “ I only apologize to dictators, terrorists, and occasionally the mayor of Cleveland, if I get caught up in the moment. It’ll be a cold day in Kenya before I apologize to a libertarian-space-cowboy.”
R. LEE ERMEY: – shoves his way onto camera – “Let me through, Prez. Nobody talks **** to my dimension! Hey, big ears! I know you! You’re that maggot that can’t even pronounce Corpsman correctly! Nobody disrespects my beloved Corp or my President’s hat! I’ll plant my Space Marine size 12 combat boot in your corn-hole! Hey! Yeah, I’m talking to you, maggot! Eyes over here. Your teleprompter can’t save you now!“
BARACK OBAMA: – confused – “You kiss your mama with that mouth?”
R. LEE ERMEY: “No, but I kiss yours with it!”
BARACK OBAMA: – sputters – “This means war!”
CUT TO – TOM STRANGER AT HIS DESK, PERPLEXED. – shrugs – “Well, that just goes to demonstrate that when multiple alternate realities collide… things can get a little…”
VOICEOVER GUY: Strange?
TOM STRANGER: – chuckles – “I suppose so. “ HUGE EXPLOSION NOISE IN BACKGROUND. “Wow. That guy from Family Matters is going to be in for one heck of a surprise when he finds out their policy lapsed when their check bounced! Well, it looks like I’ve got to get back to work. It’s been nice chatting with you, Earth 745-Q-15832. Enjoy your Mohammed Day parade.”
VOICEOVER GUY: – whispers to Tom.
TOM STRANGER: “Oh… this is a dimension where the people stood up to those bullies. Oh. Sorry about that. I mixed you up with that other Earth where their comedy program network talks a big game, but only makes fun of religions that don’t cut people’s heads off. This multi-verse thing can get really complicated. My sincere apologies to your…” TOM CHECKS GUIDE BOOK, “Emperor ManBearPig. Bye bye.” TOM WAVES AT CAMERA.
FADE TO BLACK.
Join us next week for the further adventures of Tom Stranger, Interdimensional Insurance Agent, when Tom meets his dreaded nemesis, Jeff Conundrum, in ARBITRATION ON MORDOR STATION. https://monsterhunternation.com/2010/06/01/tom-stranger-interdimensional-insurance-agent-in-arbitration-at-mordor-station/
34 thoughts on “A Message from Stranger & Stranger”
You have GOT to love Tom!
The fact that he caries 3mm CCW (CorreiaTech Combat Wombat) AND dual wields them, just goes to show his level of awesome.
“Apologize to my hat!!”
Somebody is going to receive this today…
OMFG, this guy needs his own story. Love it!
Extra-picante Awesomesauce, as usual, Larry.
I’m actually hoping to see this in print BEFORE Monster Hunter Alpha. . . .
combat wombat cannot be defeat!
LMFAO!! Love it!
I’m going to borrow the phrase “Combat Wombat”. When I’m in Afghanistan one of my weapon systems, or maybe my MRAP, will be nicknamed that.
I really hope that this series leads to a full novel.
I’ll just be over here, giggling madly.
And wishing like hell that Adam Baldwin really was President.
Hhmm… Jayne for President? Couldn’t be worse than what you Yanks are stuck with at the moment. 🙂
Honestly, you rock! It has been a long time since I actually laughed out loud because of a story. As a matter of fact, I think the last time was when I read MHI…
I dunno, the last installment was cool. This one though I wonder if you’re trying too hard.
Before anyone flames me… I’m a true Corriean. Hell I’ve even written MHI fan fiction. 😛
I know I’m not paid to do this but…
“VOICEOVER: “Has this every happened to you?”” should read “VOICEOVER: “Has this ever happened to you?”
Sorry Larry, it was bugging the carp out of me
“I hate you Jeff Conundrum, so very much.”
I also want this in dead tree format. I love Tom Stranger, so very much. Also the Comedy Central snipe was appreciated, I have plenty of respect for Matt Stone and Trey Parker but the CC is run by some real ***** sucking **** rags.
“Introducing the CorrieaTech Combat Wombat for when you absolutely, positively, have to kill every Hitlersaurus in this dimension and the next!”
Can we have an alternate World without stupid censorship? Hate those beeps… Don’t want em in my reading, anoying enough on TV.
Jurgen, sorry man, my Mom reads this blog. 🙂
Don’t apologize: retcon it!
In that dimension, a battlefield biological agent was released that attacked the speech centers of the brain. With therapy, a nearly complete recovery is possible. However, the endorphins released when one swears (thus making you feel better) interfere with the therapy, thus the only unrecovered parts of the center are those responsible for profanity. Those on the battlefield were the most strongly effected, but the bio-agent contaminated pretty much the whole world before a cure was found, researchers working night and day, passing notes between themselves.
And that’s why significant parts of R. Lee’s speech are neatly pronounced rows of asterisks. When he’s really mad, his disability manifests itself as the characters you have to hold down the shift key to get, again, perfectly enunciated.
I will thank you, sir, not to make light of the disability Secretary of War R. Lee Ermey received in the course of his honorable service to his country.
Keep it up. Great fun, I can’t wait for the next installment.
Now introducing the Compact CombatWombat (CCW) in the lightweight yet potent 2.99×9 Marsupial (2.99 MAR). With available nocturnal paint and the down-under holster, Compact CombatWombat offers unmatched conceal-ability. With Compact CombatWombat you have the firepower of a fully evolved mammal when and where you need it. CombatWombat, don’t leave your dimension without it!!
Bravo sir, bravo!
R. Lee would be proud! Hope he reads this!
Aaah, CorreiaTech… Founded by noted Author Larry Correia and the Cloned Brain of John Moses Browning.
Famous for the Combat Wombat, Raging Marmoset, and the very popular Some Sort of Vicious Furry Forrest Creature.
Sadly, for a brief period they were bought out by H&K for a literal mountain of money. The first gun produced by the new company was the Uber Kewl S00per Ninja Operator l33t Bad@55 Kill-em-all Wombat. This mod featured an integral laser, light, optics, flip up sights, night sights, bayonet, CCD camera with screen, samurai sword, grenade launcher, microwave oven, 400 watt stereo with 18″ woofers, another set of lights, Playstation IV, expresso maker, mini-fridge, back massager, and automatic toaster.
The reviews were not so good, however. One noted that “…with all of the crap bolted on, it’s hard to see that they forgot to include the bloody gun.” Soon after, H&K refused to sell firearms to anyone, stating in a press release “You n00bs just aren’t good enough for our products!”
Very shortly afterwards, the founders of CorrieaTech were able to buy back their old company, and the bankrupted shell of H&K for $14.95. Production has resumed, and firearms enthusiast around the world are rejoicing.
We need Combat Wombat patches. Think of it as a weaponized Spice Weasel.
Yes! And possibly an easter egg in the next Monster Hunter.
Larry, I am deliriously happy to find another Samurai Cat fanboy. Mark Rogers, however, is seriously p*ssed at you for making his ideas funnier than he did.
Since we are thinking BIG….
How about an alternate Earth in which The Mad Ogre, after a two terms on the Uinta County Commission (during which he declared the county a “BLM free zone”), showed an amazing ability to cross party lines and agreed to serve as the head of Utah’s Division of Oil Gas and Mines under Governor Carl Wimmer (of whom The Mad Ogre was famously quoted as saying, “he may be a buisybody meddlesome Republican but dammit, he is OUR buisybody meddlesome Republican”) before being called up by President to serve as the Secretary of the Interior.
How about an alternate Earth in which Browning Arms purchased Fabrique Nationale in the 1930’s and now Morgan county, Utah, has somehow managed to keep it’s rural beauty while being home to the largest arms company in the world (think Stark Industries on steroids).
How about an alternate Earth in which, after a personal recommendation from Secretary of the Interior, the president has appointed the former CFO of the worlds largest arms company, a “Wise Latino”, to head up transition of the BATF to the Bureau of BFGs with specific direction to “train the countries youth in the correct handling, maintenance and use of large calibur machine guns”.
If Stranger were serious about protecting dimenisons (at least, those that are current with their premiums), he’d carry a S&G 2.5mm coilgun. The dial a yield antimatter pellets have more punch than the hypervelocity fur encrusted turds launched by the CCW.
Smith & Glock does make quite a reliable weapon- except for that little ‘kaboom’ problem.
True, it is rare. But the last S&G M1771 kaboom took out Seattle.
S&G denied any liability for that. Besides, it was Seattle so it’s more likely it was just a combination of bad beans and hot air.
And the kaboom, which doesn’t exist but if it did, would be a good feature to have. Just use the wrong ammo, assuming that any ammo was wrong for the S&G, and you are guaranteed victory over your enemy. So kabooms, which again don’t exist but if they did, would be yet another bit of perfection for the already perfect S&G.
I always knew those My Little Ponies were bad seeds . . .
Bad seeds? They and are killing mimes. That makes them at least on the side of the righteous, if not righteous themselves. As for invading France, who hasn’t (in any dimension, there are some truths that remain self-evident)?
“A mime silently pleads for his life but is brutally chainsawed by My Little Pony Sparkle-Butt.”
TIME TO DIE MIME BOY!!! DIE!!!
I love my little pony.
My lawyer has advised me to say neither I or any of my associates human or otherwise have anything to do with My Little Ponies with chainsaws. Even if they were legally hired mercenaries. Even if it was the French and they really deserved it *feeds Stihl chainsaw invoices into the shredder*
I also need a company liability policy that may cover My Little Ponies, explosions, chainsaws, dimensional rifts, time travel, death rays and other home home business… accidents…. My number is 1-555-PNY-DEATH
NO, this shouldn’t be a novel. it should be a comic book.
think of it, comic book 🙂
Ok, ran the numbers on the CCW:
50,000 fps = 15.24 Kilometers per second (km/s)
Velocity to get to orbit: 7.6 km/s
And then there’s Rick Robinson’s First Law of Space Combat – “An object impacting at 3 km/sec delivers kinetic energy equal to its mass in TNT.”
So, the CCW does 5 Ricks of damage. Assume a 3.5 gram depleted uranium slug, and you get 1.4e6 joules on the target, which is one third a kilogram of TNT equivalent.
Now I really, really want one. All that, and no need for the ‘dial-a-yield’ antimatter system S&G uses.