The joys of being a gun dealer

Some names and identities have been changed to protect the criminally stupid.


As a local neighborhood Gun Monger, I get to meet all sorts of interesting people.  A few nights ago was a perfect example of “interesting”.  This individual comes into the shop, right before close of business, and says he wants to buy a gun.  Okay, no problem, that’s what we do here.  But then it took a turn for the weird.  There were three of us working the shop that evening, (PvtPyle, Ice Dragon, and I) and we all got the same weird vibe off this guy.  Think of Norman from Office Space.  He was adamant that he had to have the gun THAT NIGHT. 


I’ll call this guy Norman.  So Norman looks at a couple of guns for all of ten seconds.  It is obvious that he doesn’t know jack squat about guns or how to manipulate them, but he’s dead set on getting a gun right now.  He’s creepy, weird, twitchy, barely coherent, and at this point I figure he’s either crazy, stupid, or an ATF plant checking to see if we’ll do something illegal.  After a minute of (difficult) conversation with Norman, PvtPyle and I had already agreed he wasn’t getting a gun from us.


Now don’t get me wrong.  I’m a 2nd Amendment absolutist.  I think background checks are a tool of Satan.  I’m in favor of machine guns for everyone.  I think anybody should be allowed to carry a gun, Alaska style, with no permit necessary.  A liberal could maybe, just maybe, on a really emotional day, talk me into a 24 hour “cooling off” period before allowing the purchase of a 155mm Atomic Howitzer.  Maybe… 


Okay, there could be legitimate reasons for Norman needing a gun RIGHT NOW, but as a dealer, if I think you’re going to take this weapon and go do something bad with it, to paraphrase the Soup Nazi, NO GUN FOR YOU! 


So I waited for him to fill out the first couple of lines on the 4473 form, (because I dang sure wanted to know who he actually was) and got his ID.  Then I started to ask him, point blank, why he absolutely needed the gun right now.  He wouldn’t answer.  So I flat out told him that I wasn’t going to sell him a gun if I believed that he was going to use it to commit a crime.  He said he needed it for protection.  I asked why tonight.


Because his ex-wife was coming to get her stuff, and see, it was really his stuff, ‘cause he paid for it… So he was going to shoot her if she came by… for protection


Now I’m not an attorney, but I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that would be bad.  Okay, we’ve got us a friggin’ brain surgeon.  NO GUN FOR YOU!   


 We informed him that that wasn’t lawful self-defense, that was what is known as premeditated murder.  I told him that the correct thing to do was call the local police, and have them present when the wife arrived, if he was really worried about protecting himself.  He said that it wasn’t worth involving the courts.  PvtPyle said that if it wasn’t worth going to court, then it wasn’t worth killing somebody.  Then he asked if we wouldn’t sell him a gun, if he knew a place that rented moving trucks at night, so he could move her stuff away.  Told him sorry, good luck buddy, have a pleasant evening. 


So Norman left, and I took the 4473 form with all of his personal information and called the police department in his jurisdiction.  I told them the story, gave the address, and that I thought there was a real good chance we had an individual planning on offing their wife over a domestic squabble. 


Later that evening, Halo 3 was interrupted (I’m ¾ of the way through on Legendary, solo, because I’m a Bad Mother F’er) when a police investigator called me back, got the story again, asked a few questions to clarify, and then informed me that Norman was in custody.  Apparently he decided to just go with good old fashioned assault and battery against his wife.  The cops had swung by after my call, and picked him up in the act.  Nice.


Now for an example of why gun laws suck, the doofus in question still went ahead with trying to commit a crime.  No gun law prevented that, because he would have PASSED a background check.  Background checks are a waste of time, as everybody who is an actual criminal knows they’re already going to fail one, so they’ll procure a weapon some other way. 


I’ve never had a bonafide criminal try to buy a gun and fail a background check, but I have had perfectly good people get denied for a variety of stupid reasons that have nothing to do with crime. 


But some liberal-ninny hammer can now bring up how waiting periods.  Even if we had a waiting period in Utah, which we don’t, if I had sold Norman a gun, and he couldn’t pick it up until Tuesday, what’s to keep him from shooting his wife Tuesday?  Nada.  Because repeat it with me everybody, gun laws suck.


Not bad for less than a month
HK. Because you suck. And we hate you.

13 thoughts on “The joys of being a gun dealer”

  1. When you said the name Norman, I instantly thought of another gun dealer in some other county that always gives me weird vibes, but he has gazillions of guns at his access. Wonder if the detective mentioned your name to this Norman guy. He’s probably wondering how in the world he got caught. Probably had the uHaul ready and waiting to go for his ex-wife’s “stuff”.

  2. Correia,

    Wow, when was the last time you saved somebody’s life? That is truly awesome. Thanks for being alert and in tune enough to recognize the problem and then following through with getting the police involved. Somehow I think there are a lot of dealers who wouldn’t have refused to sell him a gun, or who wouldn’t have gotten his ID before refusing him, or wouldn’t have called the police after he left. But you did it all. Well done!

  3. Good for you. Your actions most likely saved this woman.

    I am sure if you posted this on THR, you’d get a lot of posters saying you should have minded your own business.

  4. Poster #1:
    Norman, as in Norman van Wagenen?
    His lack-of-customer-service discount is the reason I bought my Saiga at FBMG’s, even though it was a two-hour drive to get there and back.

  5. great post. I’ve often wondered if you hardware store guys get to exercise your “disgression” very often…

    found your blog while checking links off the “People of the Gun” site. I haven’t spent this much time at a new blog in quite a while. Thanks! (bookmarked and blogrolled ya)

  6. I would imagine this is not an uncommon event for gun dealers. I’m glad you didn’t sell. Don’t get me wrong, I agree with you that everyone should be the proud owner of a machine gun!

  7. Well done. I always hate people like this, not only because they’re fucking nutjobs, but because they’re the kind of people the anti-gunners point to and say “See? Nobody should have guns!” Way to deal with him though.

  8. Well done, Correia.
    So he’s busted for A&B, do you suppose they could tack on Conspiracy to Commit Murder, based on your testimony?

    Just wondering.

  9. Well done!

    As to conspiracy; that requires additional people. However, Attempted Murder – now, that would have an easier time holding up against a crim def attorney.

  10. Larry love your books. I get that you don’t like gun control laws. I can’t think of any that aren’t a complete waste of time. What would you think of a gun owners license? Kind of like a drivers license. To get it you have to pass a gun safty course but once you have it you can own and carry any gun you want any where in the country. I consider you a subject matter expert on this type of thing an would be interested in hearing what you think.

    1. 1. The right to drive a car is not guaranteed in the Constitution.

      2. You don’t need a driver’s license or registration to OWN a car if it remains on private property.

      3. Look at all the jurisdictions in which it is theoretically possible for anybody to apply for a concealed carry permit, but in practice only the rich and/or politically connected are ever actually issued one.

      As Heinlein puts it in Red Planet: “That a free citizen should have to go before a committee, hat in hand, and pray for permission to bear arms – fantastic! Arm your daughter, sir, and pay no attention to petty bureaucrats.”

    2. Driver’s licenses only apply to government roads. There was a race car driver that got his license yanked a few years ago and it was widely noted he COULD have still continued racing despite this since it was all on private property (academic question because he was kicked out, but correct). An otherwise public range that required a hunting license to shoot at would be fine (in principle, who knows what the quality would be like) if it didn’t prohibit private ranges.

      Also hunting licenses are state or smaller. To my knowledge there are no federal hunting licenses.

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