Courtesy of GigaBuist.
In the news this week: Al Gore wins a Nobel Peace Prize for a bunch of horse-shit. (still better than Yassir-Arafat’s win for “not killing anybody lately”) Alfred Nobel’s ghost is quoted as saying, “What the hell are you dumb-asses doing?” Al Gore recently won an Oscar, will win the Pulitzer later this year, won the blue ribbon at the Box Elder County Science Fair for his presentation “Global Warming is not our friend”, and is a current favorite to be America’s Next Top Model.
California passes a Micro Stamping law, mandating a technology that doesn’t exist, and doesn’t work, thereby pretty much banning semi-automatic handguns. This is one of the dumbest laws ever. The idea is that all new guns will have this magical technology that will stamp the serial number on the brass and bullet the instant a shot is fired. Which means that scumbags will now pick up your brass at the range to sprinkle over the crime scene, while they shoot a revolver. Schwarzenegger signed this piece of crap, once again proving that he’s about as Republican as Che Guevera.
Congress boldly condemns the Armenian genocide that happened 90 years ago, and alienates one of our only allies in the middle-east in the process. (next up, a resolution condemning Portugal for the slave trade). Our heroic representatives take a stand against the Turkish slaughter of Armenians, about four generations after the fact. At this rate, the Congress of 2132 AD will be ready to address Darfur.
Congress passes a resolution against talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, for something he didn’t actually say, because our elected reps and their legion of staffers are too friggin’ stupid to read a transcript. But what does it matter, our reps and the news just make up the facts as they go along anyway.
General Ricardo Sanchez gave a 30 minute speech where 29 minutes and 45 seconds condemns the press for being a bunch of liars, propagandists, and anti-American douche bags that give aid and comfort to our enemy, while boosting the terrorist’s moral, and causing American soldier’s deaths. 15 seconds of the speech was about how Iraq sucks. Guess which one got quoted a whole bunch?
And on the presidential campaign trail, on the Democrat side a Communist nincompoop and a Socialist harpy vie for supremacy, while the Republican side is being led by a liberal Democrat. Hip-hip-fricking-hoo-ray. What a fun time to be a conservative in America. Rudy Guilliani, a paragon of everything that the Republican party stands for, except for that whole suing the gun companies into oblivion thing, demanding federal funding of abortions for poor people, just being an all around fascist jerk, and other little things like that, is leading the polls, because he happened to be mayor of New York when it got blown up. Meanwhile, the Punditry keeps telling us why Rudy is The Awesome, because he’s the only one that can beat Hillary, even though for our side to win, we have to win all the South, where they just love to turn out to support anti-gun/pro-abortion/philandering/scumbags.
Mitt Romney has won some polls, but he’s electable in Massachusetts, where he signed off on an assault weapons ban and gay marriage, both of which are core Republican values, which tells you pretty much everything you need to know right there. He’s the favorite here in Utah, but that’s because many of the people around me are really stupid. “Yay! We’re the same religion! That means he’ll be a great leader of the free world!”
Fred Thompson is finally in it, and is getting some air time because he had the audacity to point out that the other Republican front runners weren’t technically Republicans. This was rather shocking to the news media. He did not, however, have the nerve to point out that Rudy is actually not human, but rather, is a Reptoid of Hollow Earth. When asked about the allegations that he was a Reptoid, Guilliani put down the fetus sandwich he was eating, and responded “Hisssss, puny humans. I’m the only one that can beat Hillary. BWA HA HA!”
In local news, Larry Correia won Halo 3 on Legendary, solo, because he rocks to a shockingly high degree. His seven year old daughter was quoted as saying, “My dad is so cool. He totally beat up the Covenant. I’m glad it is over, ‘cause now I can watch cartoons again and he won’t hog the TV no more.” Mr. Correia’s 2 year old was quoted as saying, “Muffa rg aldb! AAAHH! Hay-ho! Hay-ho! BOOM!”
I’ve got to hand it to the Sci-Fi channel, every week they manage to crank something out to keep people like me happy, and I’m not talking about Ghost Hunters either. (I’m such a sucker for that show) Almost every Saturday they premiere some new B-Movie. Most of them really suck, but that is okay, because that is part of being a B-Movie nerd. B-Movie nerds are trapped in this kind of dysfunctional relationship, where most of the time we’re mistreated, but every now and then we get some good B-Movie love, so we keep on coming back.
If I were going to give Sci-Fi channel a letter grade for its movie premiers, it would probably be a C. They’ve got the ability, they’ve got the talent, they’ve got the resources, but it is like they just don’t apply themselves. Let me try to explain…
I was thinking about this after watching their latest, Wraiths of Roanoke. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0875696/ Overall it was a typical Sci-Fi channel premiere. It was a movie that had actual potential. It had some good lead actors, (why isn’t Rhett Giles a famous actor yet? Got a B-Movie that needs a Englishman? He’s your man. He kicks ass in like 30 B-Movies, oh wait, there’s my answer right there, it is like the Curse of Bruce Campbell) it had an interesting idea (basically what happened surrounding the mysterious disappearance of the Roanoke colony, well obviously they were killed by Viking ghosts, duh.)
It just couldn’t manage to congeal into something cool, but it was so close. A lot of Sci-Fi original movies are like that, almost good. Proficient and watchable, but nothing that you’re going to watch and say “Damn! That was awesome!” Usually they’re a little predictable, the plots are kind of weak, and there is an over-reliance on lame CGI effects.
Others are just horribly bad. Painfully, awfully, terribly, brain rotting suckitude. Usually these involve some sort of giant snake, ravenous insects, dinosaurs, or something of that nature, that inevitably eats some scientists and Lorenzo Lamas. Basically most Sci-Fi plots read like one of those games you played as a kid where they would give you a noun or a verb, and you would have to pick something, those would fill in the blanks in some sort of story. Then you would read the story, and it would be really absurd and funny. (What the hell were those things called? I’m thinking Mad Libs or something like that).
For example: A giant ( adjective ) ( noun ) attacks a ( place ) and eats ( people ). Starring Lorenzo Lamas and a girl from the last season of Survivor.
Despite that, I can think of a few gems that were Sci-Fi original premieres that have risen to the top, and rank up there amongst some of my all-time favorite monster movies. (at least I seem to remember them as Sci-Fi originals)
3. Primal Rage http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0194543/ or as my wife and I like to call it, KILLER MONKEY ISLAND! If you’ve ever wanted to watch B-Movie super hero Ron Perlman beat up a killer baboon in hand to hand combat, this is the movie for you. The basic plot is that people are stuck on an island with killer genetically enhanced monkeys. This is one of those movies that’s just so bad, that it does a complete circle and comes back around to good. It features awesome dialog like “They went insane… with a desire to kill.” I saw this movie like eight years ago, and to this day I’ll just randomly look at my wife, and say that line. It probably got old to her about seven years ago, but it still makes me laugh.
2. Frankenfish http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0384833/ the worst title, for the best mutant Snakehead fish movie ever. And yes, there are multiple movies about mutant snakehead fish, and one of them even has Bruce Boxleitner, which Frankenfish does not. But somehow despite its lack of Boxleitner, Frankenfish is just plain fun. It has heart.
It is a huge cheesefest of every bad monster movie cliché you can think of, set in swamp, on some houseboats, with mutant fish killing people in a surprisingly cool fashion. And I even have to admit that I actually cheered when they take care of the last super fish, and keep mind, I’m pretty jaded.
1. Abominable http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0402743/ for the win, the finest killer Big Foot movie ever made, hands down, by far. And I’ve watched a lot of killer Big Foot movies, most of which have B-Movie super hero Lance Henriksen in them somehow, no I kid you not, check it out. He’s been in like 37 movies about Big Foot.
Basically Abominable is Rear Window with Big Foot. A wheelchair bound man is at his cabin, and watches as a Big Foot stalks a bunch of cute girls in a nearby cabin. If you’re a B-Movie geek and you haven’t seen this one, remedy that as soon as possible. It takes a lot to make somebody like me jump and squeal like a little girl in a movie, but I honestly did.
The Big Foot looked pretty cheesy, but he made up for it with violence. This Big Foot had some panache. He didn’t just kill people, he killed the HELL out of them. If Harry and the Hendersons was a nice Big Foot, this is Harry’s psychotic little brother that liked to put firecrackers inside of frogs, and crazy stuff like that. People get their guts stomped out, faces bitten off, and pulled at unnatural angles through some very small spaces (and you’ll know that scene when you see it, because it was an awesome effect, thanks towel!).