Monster Hunter Nation

I’ve Got Two New Monster Hunter International Releases This Week

This is an exciting week, because I’ve got two new things coming out. First up, the Monster Hunter series has gotten popular enough that we are doing a special limited edition run of all the books in leather. The one that started it all comes out tomorrow. And I just got my copies, they are really nice. If you want one of these, don’t wait around, because it is a limited run.

And the second of the three Monster Hunter memoirs comes out tomorrow too. Sinners is the sequel to Grunge, and the action moves down to 1980s New Orleans.

If you aren’t familiar with the memoirs, they start with Monster Hunter Grunge. The story behind these is that John Ringo wrote them set in my MHI universe (but back in the 80s), and then I edited them to fit the universe.

sinners_s

mhi_speced_s

 

EDIT: For the 30 people who have asked me since I posted this morning, YES. THERE WILL BE A KINDLE BOOK. YES. THERE WILL BE AN AUDIO BOOK. There will always be a Kindle and an Audio Book. They come out on the release day, which is December 6th. As in tomorrow. The audio book is available for preorder on Audible right now. The Kindle book should go up on Amazon tomorrow.

Understanding the U.S.Avengers picks

Marvel Comics is doing a promotion where they have assigned a super hero to each of the fifty states. As a professional creative type writer person, and as somebody who has visited most of the states, I was fascinated by their choices. It was almost like if it isn’t in New York or LA, it might as well be on the moon.

http://www.mdcu-comics.fr/upload/news/news_illustre_1479661988_210.jpg

I was a little bewildered at first, but luckily I was given access to Marvel’s internal memos detailing their creative process. Marvel’s secret internal communications are in italics.

Because I haven’t followed comics for a while, in order to understand some of this stuff I brought in special guest commentator, Correia 2.1, my teenage daughter who is a walking encyclopedia of all comic geek trivia. We went through the entire list together, and because of her unique insights I have tried to put down our conversations verbatim. Everything in Bold is an actual comment made by a 16 year old girl who is from the comic industry’s ideal target demographic.

Most of the state’s greatest avenging needs were suggested on Facebook by readers who live in those particular states, so we could get their unique resident insights.

 

 

 

Alabama – Avenged by Thor

Alabama is where all those racist redneck Trump voters live right? Give them Affirmative Action Thor. That’ll show them!

Wait. Thor’s a woman now?
It’s a long story, Dad. Marvel was trying to be shocking again.
Back in my day we just had Beta Ray Bill.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need: Thor must keep the peace between Alabama and Auburn fans.

Alaska – Avenged by Hellcat

Hey, we put a bunch of low level heroes in different lame red states during the Civil War plotline. We normally ignore those hicks, but which street wise New Yorker did we temporarily stick up in Moose Jaw?

On Jessica Jones, isn’t she a rich New York TV reporter?
Yep. That’s supposed to be Hellcat I think.
Oh, Alaskans are going to love her.
State’s Greatest Avenging Need: Hellcat will use her TV skills to provide voiceover work for the hit TV show Alaska Ice Road Bush Pilot Deadliest Crab Pawn Shop.
Arizona – Avenged by Nova

Arizona is one of those western states we know nothing about. It’s a desert. Use somebody with fire powers. Like Nova!
But Sir, Nova isn’t actually a fire themed character—
Shush! Are you trying to get us canned! Shut up and draw!

Isn’t Nova like an earthling drafted to be a Green Lantern style space cop, only without the magic ring?
Pretty much.
What’s that got to do with Arizona?
Run with it, Dad. We’re only in the As.

tigra

Arkansas – Avenged by Tigra

What’s big in Arkansas?
Tigers?
Sounds legit.

She looks like a stripper.
Bet you Bill Clinton puts the moves on her.
I’m too young to get your old people jokes, Dad.

California – Avenged by Ironman

 Sorry, sir, but Robert Downey Jr. said he’s not willing to commute. He’s staying in Malibu.
Well, that makes California easy!

I guess Ironman makes sense for California. Tony Stark has a mansion there.
Yeah, but he’s going to feel dumb when he finds out California gun laws ban everything on his suit.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need: Ironman will use his powers to help California’s state government install methane recording fart meters on cows.
hercules

Colorado – Avenged by Hercules

This legalized pot gives me the munchies. I sure could go for a gyro right now.
Wait… I know what to do for Colorado!

Colorado gets cold. He’s from Greece. He’ll probably want to buy a sweater.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need: The Greek demigod Hercules will use his mighty strength to help recently transplanted Californians find their nearest dispensary.

Connecticut – Avenged by Black Widow
Black Widow is all about espionage, guile, stealth, cunning… What state really sums up that vibe for you guys?
Uh… Connecticut?
Brilliant. Give that man a raise!

Delaware – Avenged by Captain America
I know he’s super popular and stuff, but America… Come on! What a tired idea that is! Stick Cap someplace super lame!

I thought Steve Rogers was from Brooklyn.
He is. This is proof Marvel works for Hydra.
They should have picked Joe Biden. He’s already like Delaware’s Batman.

 

Florida – Avenged by Ant Man
Florida is easy. We just use Florida Man.
I’m sorry, sir. We didn’t make him up.
Wait… Florida Man is REAL?

They should have used Swamp Thing.
They should have used Wendell the Manatee.
HOOOON!
State’s Greatest Avenging Need: I don’t know but I bet it involves cannibalism and bath salts.

Georgia – Avenged by US Agent
Let’s give those rednecks low rent Captain America. They’ll never notice the difference.

He’s the one that replaced Cap when the government got all authoritarian right?
Dad! You paid attention. I’m so proud of you!
A federal authority figure in Georgia… Yeah, Marvel sure got their finger on the pulse of American culture.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need: Working security at DragonCon.

Hawaii – Avenged by Havok
Hawaii! This one is easy!
Sorry, sir. Though we used him in Spiderman, we don’t actually own the rights to Barack Obama.
DAMN IT!

He’s going to get really hot wearing all black in the sun.
I think the Rock should have got Hawaii.
I don’t know if the Rock counts as a super hero.
Says you.

she-hulk

Idaho – Avenged by She Hulk
How many friggin’ Hulks do we have anyway? Use them all!

Man, I’d love to get avenged by She Hulk.
DAD! GROSS!
Don’t tell your mom I said that.

States Greatest Avenging Need: She Hulk will work with the agricultural extension office to prevent the scourge of potato blight.

Illinois – Avenged by Beast

Now I know this one is legit. Hank McCoy is hard core when it comes to Chicago style deep dish pizza.
You’re making that up.
No. It was totally in the X-Men.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need: realistically considering our crime rate they should have sent somebody more bulletproof.

Indiana – Avenged by Winter Soldier
Hollywood named a whole movie after him! We’ve got to stick him somewhere!

Shouldn’t Bucky be like in Alaska or something so he can fight Russians easier?
On the bright side, he’ll probably really enjoy GenCon.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need: Winter Soldier is going to finally live up to his name, and make sure the roads are properly plowed and salted after an overnight snowfall.

 

Iowa – Avenged by Hawkeye
We’ve got to use everybody in the movies! They’re the only thing keeping our lights on. The arrow dude. Stick him someplace where people use those arrow shooting things!
You mean bows, sir?
Yeah! Someplace where they shoot those skinny Bambi animals with them!

Strangely this one works.
Yeah, I can see movie Hawkeye, just kind of chilling on the porch with a beer, watching the wind rustle the corn, and then shooting at the raccoons getting in his trash.
Mom hates when you do that, you know.

Kansas – Avenged by Sentry
Kansas is easy. That’s where Superman landed. So we’ll just put Superman there.
Uh… Sir, we don’t own Superman. That’s the other guys.
Hmmm… No wonder his recent movies all suck ass. Very well. Use our version of Superman!
We will get right on it!

The Sentry is possibly one of the most powerful people in the Marvel universe.
Corn is very dangerous.
But they made him agoraphobic and afraid to leave his house.
Oh, then let’s put the guy afraid to go outside in a place that is entirely flat forever. Makes perfect sense.

Kentucky – Avenged by Cannonball

This one actually makes sense, Dad. Cannonball was a coal miner there.
I was hoping for Raylan Givens.
Okay. That would be cooler.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:  Cannonball can use his super powers to make sure we don’t’ run out of Mountain Dew.

Louisiana – Avenged by Spectrum

I have no idea who Spectrum is.
She’s from Louisiana.
What happened to Gambit?
I think he died.
What? I didn’t know that.
(said with a straight face) Channing Tatum killed him.
(blinks) We have raised you well.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:  air conditioner repair.

 

Maine – Avenged by Scarlet Witch

What’s in Maine?
Lobsters and… uh… Stephen King?
Better bring out the big guns then.

So the Sentry is in Kansas and the Scarlet Witch, who can literally change the whole universe with a thought, is in Maine.
I’m not thinking the Avengers are super good at risk assessment.
Maybe they should have Tony Stark build a super computer to predict that stuff.
Oh snap. She went there.

Maryland – Avenged by Sam Wilson: Captain America

Wait. Captain America is already in Delaware.
This is Sam Wilson’s Captain America.
But Sam Wilson is Falcon.
(sighs) They made him all social justice so that people would get mad and talk about Marvel on the internet.
I’m glad the movie versions don’t suck.
No kidding!

Massachusetts- Avenged by Captain Marvel
Wait. We’ve got two Captain Marvels, a Ms. Marvel, and a Marvel Boy… There had better be a Marvel Dog on my desk by morning!
Yes, sir!

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:  Punishing people who say Worchester instead of Wooster, or Harvard instead of Hah-vad. And something called “wicked pissor”.  And Townies. Whatever those are.  

Michigan – Avenged by the Thing

I don’t think the Thing would hang out in Detroit. He seems more like the kind of dude who would go up to the UP and spend all his time fishing.
State’s Greatest Avenging Need:  I suppose the Thing could Avenge the Lions inability to make it to the Super Bowl.

Minnesota – Avenged by Quake
Minnesota has earthquakes, right?
(Marvel staff shrugs)

Shouldn’t California have gotten Quake?
Probably. But Marvel is in the entertainment business. They love California. They aren’t going to give California some lame super hero nobody has ever heard of.

Mississippi – Avenged by Rogue
This one is pretty straight forward. Rogue is popular and from there.
Yeah, but we hate southerners. Shouldn’t we screw with them somehow?
Hmmm… My dislike of everyone different than me loses to my lack of creativity today.

Missouri – Avenged by The Wizzer
Missouri? Screw those guys. Missouri can go to hell and die.

In case you were ever wondering which state Marvel Comics staff hate the most, now you know.
What did Missouri ever do to them?

State’s Greatest Avenging Need: Missouri needs a low budget Flash with a stupid name for reasons.

 

Montana – Two Gun Kid
What’s in Montana?
I don’t know what’s in any of those fly over red states. I don’t think we’ve had anybody on staff who actually speaks hillbilly here at Marvel since we put in a Chuck Dixon proof fence.
Cowboys it is!

Two gun kid? Only having two guns in Montana puts this guy way below average.
I’m 16 and I own more than two guns. How many guns do you have, Dad?
Since this is going on the internet, I have zero guns. I lost all of them in a freak canoe accident.
Tragic.

Nebraska – Avenged by D-Man

Who the hell is D-Man?
I’ve got nothing.
Neither did Marvel.

Nevada – Avenged by Red Hulk
I know. Let’s put a Hulk in every state we’ve ever nuked or accidentally irradiated!
Good thing we’ve got so damned many Hulks!

Why did Hulk turn red?
He’s not Bruce Banner, Dad. Red Hulk is General Ross.
You’d think by now they’d have like a OHSA briefing about how not to get gamma irradiated.
(sighs)

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:  Making damned sure what happens in Vegas REALLY stays in Vegas.

New Hampshire – Avenged by Spiderman
I know, we’ve got this New Yorker who gets around by web slinging between tall buildings. Let’s put him in New Hampshire!
How’s that supposed to work?
Trees are like buildings! Shut up and draw!

What’s in New Hampshire?
It’s a magical land with a Dunkin Doughnuts on every corner.
That sounds nice.

New Jersey – Avenged by Ms. Marvel

I figured this title would be preachy and boring because it got a Hugo nom.
Ms. Marvel is actually pretty fun.
Okay. I’ll take your word for it. I’m still bummed New Jersey didn’t get Frank Castle.
That’s because you’d put the Punisher in every state if you could.
Damned right I would.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:  I’ve been to Trenton. Somebody needs to get avenged for that place, big time.

New Mexico – Avenged by Hulk

This one works. That’s where the gamma bomb tests were.
Oh, so New Mexico gets nuked and gets cool Hulk, Utah gets all the downwind cancerous fallout and we get lame rip off Hulk. Thanks a lot, Marvel.
No argument there.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:  HULK SMASH! HULK DISCOVER METH!

New York – Avenged by Luke Cage
This is the toughest one of all. We’ve got like 6,000 heroes living in the New York area. It’s amazing we’ve got any crime left.
We already sent Spidey to New Hampshire. Luke Cage has the most recent Netflix show. Let’s go with him.
But what about Daredevil?
Send him to Jersey. He can commute to work.
But you can’t make a blind man ride the ferry! Twitter will get mad and say we hate the handicapped!

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:  Ninja turtles in the sewers

North Carolina –Avenged by Namor
We’ve still got to use Namor. Let’s stick him in Utah.
(staffer checks map) Sorry, sir. All they’ve got is a big salty lake. No ocean.
Hmmmm… What have we got left with a coast line?

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:  Mighty Prince Namor will patrol the inter coastal water ways, preventing over fishing… Namor will probably really be in a really pissy mood over this crap assignment. Namor does not feel that his talents are appreciated.

 

North Dakota – Avenged by Machine Man
Nobody likes Machine Man, but nobody lives in North Dakota, so it’s a wash.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:  I sure hope Machine Man is good with tractors and oil rigs, because otherwise he is going to be super bored.

 

Ohio – Avenged by Black Knight

None shall pass.
Wrong Black Knight, Dad.
Tis but a flesh wound!
(sigh)
Come back! I’ll bite your legs off!

 

Oklahoma – Avenged by Thor
Shouldn’t we stick Thor in Minnesota where the Vikings are?
No. Too many earthquakes.

Wait… I thought Thor was already on this list once already.
That’s pandering Thor. This is movie Thor. Try to keep up, Dad.
Oh.

 

Oregon – Avenged by Sunspot
Portland is awesome. Those are our people. We need to give those hipsters and goony beard men somebody awesome to show we care! Something bold! Something unique!
(15 minutes later) what the shit is this?

Who is Sunspot?
Beats me.
What’s wrong with his head?  

Pennsylvania – Doctor Strange
Sir, the bribe money came in from Pennsylvania.
Excellent.

How the crap does Pennsylvania get amazing Benedict Cumberbatch and we get Amadeus friggin’ Cho?
I’m sensing some jealousy, dear.
Shut up, Dad!

Rhode Island – Iron Fist
Nothing says mystical kung-fu wanderer dragon puncher like Shangri-La.
We’re still on Rhode Island, sir.
Aw, close enough.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need: Ninjas. Rhode Island is lousy with ninjas.

South Carolina – Avenged by Marvel Boy

Who?
Captain Marvel’s son who he really regrets.
(squints suspiciously at daughter)

South Dakota – Avenged by Jack of Hearts
We just made this ridiculous looking one up right now. The geeks will pretend they know who he is, so regular people will never catch on.

Jack of Hearts? I loved when Bruce Campbell played him on the TV show.
That’s Jack of All Trades, Dad.
Well, who is this weirdo then?
Uh… He goes way back.
You’re the expert.

Tennessee – Avenged by Wasp
Come on guys. There’s got to be something in the south besides rednecks.
Humidity?
Can’t. We’re saving Swamp Butt to be the villain in a new story line revealing Captain America was really in Hydra all along.
Didn’t we just do that?
Yeah, but this time we’re going to really mean it.
Stinging insects?
Brilliant!

Texas – Avenged by Firebird
It’s the biggest red state of all. This alien reality confuses and frightens us.
I hear it’s really hot there. Just use one of our many fire people.

Why does Texas get a space alien?
You’re thinking of Starfire. She’s DC.
No. The Marvel one hung out with Spiderman on TV when I was a kid.
That’s Firestar.
That’s Sunfire.
No. He’s a boy. And he’s Japanese.
Frick. Whatever. Little Ms. I know all the fire people!

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:  Firebird punishes people who litter.


totall-awesome-hulk
Utah- avenged by Totally Awesome Hulk
Hey… Utah’s that weird state out in the desert, right? What’s their big thing?
Uh… Koreans?
RUN WITH THAT!

I got excited when I saw our home state got the Hulk.
Nope. Read it again. We get the Totally Awesome Hulk. Not the Incredible Hulk.
Cheap knock off Hulk? That’s bullshit.
Don’t cuss, young lady.
He has a flowhawk. Is he supposed to be a hair dresser?

State’s Greatest Avenging Need: Totally Awesome Hulk will find slow minivan drivers blocking the left lane and hurl them violently from the freeway. Okay, that would actually be Totally Awesome.

 

Vermont – Avenged by Irredeemable Ant-Man
This list has got two Thors, three Caps, half a dozen Hulks, and an Ant-Man of the week. Aren’t you worried fans are going to realize we’re just phoning it in?
Whenever sales drop we’ll just pull some dumb stunt, make some ridiculous change, and milk the publicity.
We’re so clever!

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:   Explaining basic economics to Bernie Sanders

Virginia – Avenged by Quicksilver

But isn’t Quicksilver from some made up eastern European country?
Sure, but they stuck his sister in Maine.
Touché.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:   Sticking a speedster in Beltway traffic is just cruel.

Washington – Avenged by Jocasta
Let’s get so obscure for Washington that even the dorks won’t know who we’re talking about!

Who is Jocasta?
Hmm… I think she’s this mutant that peels her skin off and underneath she’s like Colossus.
According to the internet she’s Ultron’s girlfriend.
Grrrrrrrr.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:   She’s here because Microsoft upgraded her operating system.

 

West Virginia – Avenged by Valkyrie
Anybody ever been to west Virginia?
(surveys room. No hands go up)
Well, you can never go wrong with Vikings.

Wisconsin – Avenged by Quasar
We’re at the end of the alphabet. What other obscure piece of crap do we own the IP for?

Now you’re just messing with me.
No, Dad. Quasar is actually a thing.
Quasar Avenger of Wisconsin, I think I heard somebody declare that was their name once on an episode of Cops while they were getting arrested.
I didn’t say he was a good thing.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:   I have no clue who Quasar is. Is he a dairy farmer?

 

Wyoming – Red Wolf
For Wyoming, we’ll use Henry Standing Bear from Longmire.
Disney doesn’t own that, sir.
What?! We own everything else!

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:   Crack down on illegal Utahans crossing the border to buy good fireworks.

 

Canada – Avenged by Deadpool
Sorry, sir, but I don’t think Canada is a US state.
Shut up! Ryan Reynolds is hot right now.

This pick is totally not fair to Alpha Flight. Vindicator even wore a friggin’ Maple Leaf.
If they’re going to start using foreign countries, they should have given Deadpool Mexico instead. He loves Chimichungas.

Audible Narrator’s Greatest Hits Collection

Audible is doing a promo right now for their most popular narrators. I’ve been so damned lucky getting good narrators.

For Bronson Pinchot http://www.audible.com/mt/NarratorsGreatestHitsVol4_Pinchot Hard Magic is the chart topper. (Seriously, the audiobook sales numbers on the Grimnoir series are amazing) Dead Six is also on his top 10 list. I’ll tell you, Bronson is such a pro to work with, and he brings the performances to life.

And Son of the Black Sword is up there for Tim Gerrard Reynolds. He’s got this really cool voice that brings gravitas to an epic fantasy series. http://www.audible.com/mt/NarratorsGreatestHitsVol4_Reynolds

And the one that started it all for me, they’ve got Monster Hunter up there for Oliver Wyman. Oliver has such an incredible range, and he’s just gotten better and better narrating the MHI series as he’s gotten into the characters. http://www.audible.com/mt/NarratorsGreatestHitsVol4_Wyman

Ray Porter is also up there as one of their best narrators. He is the guy who did my Warmachine novels, but those are my least known books, and didn’t make his top ten list. I’ll tell you though, if you’ve not read them, they’re really pretty good. And Ray is an extremely fun narrator.

Now I just need to write more Tom Stranger so we can get Adam Baldwin up there as one of their top narrators.

A Handy Guide For Liberals Who Are Suddenly Interested In Gun Ownership

That title isn’t joking. This post is aimed at my liberal readers. I’m a libertarian leaning Republican and gun expert, who thinks you are wrong about a lot of stuff, but I’m not writing this to gloat about your loss. For the record, I disliked all the presidential candidates.

 

Judging by your social media over the last few days many liberals have been utterly terrified that your government might turn tyrannical or that evil people will now be emboldened to hurt you. I’m going to let you in on a little thing the other half of the country is familiar with to keep those unlikely, yet catastrophic, events from happening.

 

And that my lefty friends, is 2nd Amendment.
Having just gone through a war against a tyrannical government, the Founders understood that governments can go bad, so they made sure to note our God given right (or we’ll say naturally occurring right, since a bunch of you are atheists) to keep and bear arms in order to defend ourselves. The 2nd Amendment isn’t about hunting or “sporting purposes”, it’s about having weapons that you can fight with. As an added bonus, being able to protect yourself from a tyrannical government means that you’re a lot better equipped to deal with any common criminal who decides to hurt you.
Before I get into the details about how to enjoy your newly discovered 2nd Amendment rights, let me just say that I get you’re sad, angry, bitter, and fearful. But just like my people over the last few elections, you’ll get over it. The really hyperbolic freak outs about Literally Hitler make you sound just like the Alex Jones crowd worried that Obama was going to herd Christians into FEMA camps last time. So take a deep breath and relax. Your friends and neighbors are the same as they were last week. The vast majority weren’t voting because racism, they voted against the status quo and a really unlikable Democrat. And no, they aren’t going to round you up into cattle cars.

 

But in the off chance they do, let’s get you prepared!

 

WHAT GUNS ARE FOR

 

I’ll start out with the far more likely threat, violent criminals who would assault, rape, or murder you, and how to deal with them.

 

Many of you have been sharing every second hand account, rumor, and urban legend about some random doofus in Somnambulant, Wisconsin or Bumfight, Louisiana, shouting an ethnic slur or spray painting a swastika on a wall. Newsflash, in a country with a third of a billion people, some percentage of them are going to be assholes. I hate to break it to you, but the assholes were there before, and they will be there forever. Just right now the news has a self-serving incentive to report about these assholes in particular.

 

But Correia! You’re not a marginalized Mexican transsexual Muslim! What do you know!?

 

I know that anybody can be “marginalized” if they walk into the wrong neighborhood. Violence can happen to any of us, and it does, all the time. Whether your odds of being a victim are good or bad, it still sucks when you draw the short straw and somebody tries to hurt you. Whoever you are, you are correct to be concerned for your safety. Anybody can be attacked, and everybody should be prepared to deal with it.

 

Since this is addressed to liberals, spare me the usual nonsense about “Victim Blaming”. We don’t have time for silliness. If you’re banking on the goodwill of evil people to keep you safe, you are a sucker. If I urge you to look both ways before crossing the street, I’m not victim blaming, I’m trying to keep your stupid ass from getting hit by a bus.

 

Whether you are being attacked because some jerk doesn’t like your head scarf and you voted for Hillary, or getting pulled out of your car and beaten because the local hooliganry thinks you voted for Trump, or some dude with no coherent political philosophy beyond the voices in his head told him to murder you and rape your dog, it doesn’t matter… There are evil people in the world, and they will hurt you simply because it amuses them.

 

So there are bad people who want to hurt you. Now what do you do?

 

Regardless of what you worship, who you love, or you skin tone, you have the unalienable right to self-defense. The 2nd is an equal opportunity amendment.

 

Calling the cops is awesome. If they get there in time they will be happy to save your ass, but that’s assuming they get there in time. Violent encounters usually happen very quickly. Good police response time is measured in minutes. You can be dead in seconds. Plus, your side is the one that doesn’t trust the cops anyway. It isn’t Republicans out there protesting the police. So why is it you expect agents of the state to risk their lives to save you? Gratitude?

 

What most of us in the right side of the country understand is that responsible adults need to be able to defend themselves. That means owning guns and learning how to use them. (To be fair, many on the left have also come to this same conclusion already, but they have to keep that opinion to themselves so the rest of you don’t yell at them).

 

Unarmed self-defense is great, when it works. I’m a fan. Less-lethal devices like pepper spray are great, when they work. But trust me on this, everybody who does this professionally, who has spent years learning about how violence really works, we all have guns.

 

You’ve probably been taught that guns are frightening murder rods, just itching to go shoot up a school. You want to survive, get over that nonsense. I know that most of the stuff liberals think they know about firearms is flat out wrong. I’m here to tell you as a retired professional firearms instructor that sadly everything Occupy Democrats memes have taught you is incorrect. Whatever you think you know, check those preconceived notions at the door, because it is probably biased garbage.

 

Firearms are not magic. They are neither evil nor good. They are just tools that throw a projectile. That’s it. There’s no voodoo involved. They are items that allow a physically weak person to survive a confrontation against somebody who is stronger, or there’s more of them, or whatever other nightmare scenario you come up with. I know many of you are scared of guns, but just think of them like fire extinguishers, but for murderers.

 

 

HOW SELF-DEFENSE WORKS

 

Just because you have a gun doesn’t mean that you can just go and shoot whoever you feel like. I see this pop up all the time amongst my liberal friends. Like if a redneck sees a black dude, he can just blast him because the redneck felt uncomfortable. First off, no, that’s not how the laws work. Second off, maybe if you’d quit proclaiming everybody who isn’t part of your clique is a racist murderer, you’d win more elections.

 

Here is another article where I go into a great deal of detail about when it is legal to shoot somebody. http://monsterhunternation.com/2014/11/25/the-legalities-of-shooting-people/ I taught this stuff for a living. Trust me, I know more about this than the staff writers at Salon. Almost everything I’ve ever seen from a liberal publication concerning self-defense laws is incorrect. And I’m not just talking like I enjoy guns and they don’t, I mean they have such a basic, elementary misunderstanding of the legalities of shooting people that we aren’t even inhabiting the same reality. My reality is the one that the jury instructions will be issued from.

 

The short version is that in order to be justified in using lethal force against another human being, they need to be demonstrating the ability to seriously harm you, the opportunity to do so, and acting in a manner that a reasonable person would believe they are an immediate threat.

 

So no, you can’t just shoot somebody walking down the street in a Trump hat. That would be Murder. Or considering most liberals don’t understand basic marksmanship, more likely Attempted Murder. However, if somebody dressed entirely in Confederate flags walks up, screams DIE GAY ABORTION VEGAN and tries to stab you with his commemorative Heinrich Himmler SS dagger, it’s game on (don’t blame me, I’m basing this hypothetical scenario on what most of your facebook feeds sound like).

 

Go read that article. As a bonus once you understand how use of force laws actually work, you won’t be able to get as spun up with outrage over every shooting that makes the news.

 

 

 

LEARN HOW GUNS WORK

 

Now that you’ve decided that you should be able to protect yourself from sexist war bands, and you know the basics about when it’s okay to shoot people, you want to go get strapped. But hold your horses there, Che. Guns are tools, but they are also very unforgiving of stupidity, and the last thing I want to have happen is one of you liberals shoot somebody on accident, because then you’ll be trying to pass more laws to punish people like me. First you need to learn how to be safe.

 

Seek out your local gun range. Sadly, for those of you living in deep blue areas, this will be difficult because the politicians you have voted for have run off most of your local gun ranges. Now that you’re afraid the state can’t/won’t protect you, I hope you realize that was a bad call.

 

But if you do have one in driving distance, most ranges will have ads posted for upcoming basic classes. Contrary to what you’ve been told about the ultra evil National Rifle Association, the majority of what the NRA does is conduct basic safety training to keep newbies from shooting themselves in the foot. They will walk you through the fundamental rules of gun safety, mechanics, and storage.

 

Here is another mind blowing factoid for you liberals, the NRA was actually started by Union army officers to train recently freed blacks how to defend themselves from the Democrat KKK. The first gun control laws in America were racist in origin, and aimed at disarming “undesirables” like blacks or the Irish. So in that respect, not much has changed.

 

For those of you in the LGBTWTFBBQ community, in the aftermath of the Orlando Pulse nightclub shooting, a transsexual friend of mine started Operation Blazing Sword. https://www.facebook.com/OperationBlazingSword/ It is a network of firearms instructors across the country who are volunteering to help out gay and trans people who are new to guns learn about basic safety and firearms familiarization. I helped them get started. Check their map. They’ve probably got somebody near you willing to help.

 

If you haven’t blocked all of them yet for having dissenting opinions, you can ask your gun owning friends and family for advice. I would still recommend talking to actual experts though, just because we know what we’re doing, and we personally haven’t had to listen to you talk about how we’re all baby murdering psychopaths over Thanksgiving dinner. But if they love you, they’ll be happy to help you learn about how guns work. If you don’t have any friends who own guns, you may want to ask yourself how you live in such an echo chamber.

 

Again, most of what you’ve been told about the gun culture is a myth. We want you to be able to defend yourself, and we want you to be safe and responsible doing it.

 

 

HOW GUN LAWS WORK

 

Now it gets really complicated. And that’s entirely your fault. See, traditionally Democrats don’t like the 2nd Amendment and historically have done everything in their power to screw with it. Your gun laws are going to vary dramatically based upon where you live. It might be really difficult and expensive for you to exercise your 2nd Amendment rights, or it might be relatively easy.

 

But you’re scared right now! Well, that’s too bad. Because for the most part Democrats have tried to make it so that citizens have to abdicate their responsibilities and instead entrust that only state can defend everyone… That doesn’t seem like such a bright idea now that you don’t trust who is running the state, huh?

 

You might get attacked in your home, but let’s be realistic, you’re way more likely to be attacked out in public. Accordingly, democrats have made it way harder to have a gun where you are most likely to need it. If your state is red or purple, you probably have an inexpensive way to get a permit to carry a concealed weapon so that you can be armed everywhere. The bluer your state, the more unlikely/expensive that becomes, and in the most exclusive cities, unless you are a politician, movie star, or body guarding a politician or movie star, you are basically out of luck.

 

Oh yeah, it kind of goes without saying by this point, but most of what you think you know about what gun laws do is wrong. I know you think you’ve been helping with your demands to Do Something, but you aren’t. I wrote this article a few years ago in the aftermath of Sandy Hook. It is one of the most widely read articles on gun control laws ever written. http://monsterhunternation.com/2015/06/23/an-opinion-on-gun-control-repost/

 

I am a big fan of concealed carry, and if you are honestly worried about murderous racists being emboldened, then you should be too. If your state has a concealed weapons permit, I would recommend taking that class. Even if you are not personally ready to take that big step of actually keeping a firearm on your person, the class should provide a great primer on your state and local laws.

 

There are thousands of onerous little gun laws. I won’t overcomplicate this, but you guys have been sticking extra gun laws on the books all over the country at every opportunity. In your area you might not be able to buy certain guns, or you’ll have to lock them up in a specific manner, or you’ll have to register them with the state. (now that you’re worried about the state rounding you up, having a registry of which of you own guns seems kind of dumb huh?)

 

 

HOW TO BUY A GUN

 

Now that you understand basic safety and marksmanship, let’s get you armed.

 

Contrary to what Barack Obama told you, Glocks are not easier to get than books. Hell, I’ll trade an autographed copy of each of my published novels for a Glock if you’ve got any spares lying around.

 

If you haven’t completely alienated all of your pro-gun friends by blaming them for every mass murder that’s ever happened, now would be a great time to ask them to come shopping with you.

 

Find your local gun store. Go there. Ask the nice people behind the counter questions about what is the best gun for you needs. They are usually very helpful, however, don’t tell them that you are a liberal, because since you’ve previously tried to ban everything you’re now buying, they will probably laugh at you. That’s expected, because your people do kind of malign them constantly and have repeatedly tried to ruin their livelihood. Oh well, live and learn. You know better now.

 

Shockingly, you will quickly discover that the gun best suited for your home self-defense needs is probably one of the guns that the news would call “assault weapons”. In reality that’s a gibberish term to scare newbs, but remember, most of what you’ve been taught is complete bullshit. You want the best tool for the job. Yes. It looks scary. That’s kind of the point.

 

If you live in a place with concealed carry laws, you will probably want one of those deadly high capacity assault pistols too. In regular America we just call those handguns. Have the experts help pick one out that suits your lifestyle and manner of dress. Then make sure you get a good holster to carry it safely. Common newb mistake is to get a decent gun and a crap holster. Don’t do that.

 

Once you’ve picked your firearms, you will need to fill out a federal 4473 form, provide ID (gasp! Racist!), and the shop will call in your background check to make sure you aren’t a felon, illegal alien, or otherwise prohibited person. Since this check is computerized it only takes a few minutes.

 

Now that is how it works in most states. If you are lucky enough to live in a blue state liberal paradise, then you may have to deal with extra laws. Like mandatory waiting periods, special permits, or you’ve got to jump through a bunch of other onerous hoops before you are allowed to defend yourself… But hey, you voted for that. Suck it up, buttercup.

 

GET BETTER

 

Now you need to learn to shoot. It doesn’t work like the movies.

 

There are a lot of people out there who do what I used to do, so find the professional firearms instructors in your region and take some classes. Your local ranges and stores will know who is teaching or will have ads posted. A good instructor won’t just teach you how to hit the target, but will teach you basic tactics, and when/how to use your gun. I spent a big chunk of my time teaching people how to avoid fights and not make stupid decisions.

 

The more you shoot, the more you train, the more comfortable you will become. Your confidence will grow. If something awful happens you can be part of the solution instead of just another victim. You won’t rise to the occasion, you will default to your lowest level of training. So get trained.

 

Oh yeah, this training part gets expensive too. Government regulations have driven up the cost of ammunition. You get one guess which party is responsible for that. And around the blue cities you’ve closed all of your shooting ranges because guns are scary and loud (oh yeah, we could fix that, but Democrats made it illegal or really expensive to make guns quieter), so you’ll have to drive further in order to train. Let me check… Nope, I’m still fresh out of pity.

 

 

WHAT ABOUT DOOMSDAY?

 

Now the elephant in the room. I’ve seen a lot of you going on about how terrified you are for all your “marginalized” friends, that the government is going to turn tyrannical and genocidal, and murder them by the million. I don’t think that’s actually going to happen, but let’s say it did. We’re talking full on Gestapo Stasi jack boots and cattle car time. Bear with me through this hypothetical situation, that stuff about ability/opportunity/immediate threat is actually happening, but it is systematically being carried out by agents of the state against its own citizens. I’m talking war in the streets.

 

I keep seeing you guys saying that you’re going to “fight harder”. No offense, but bullshit. What are you going to do? Call more innocent bystanders racists? Post more articles from Salon even harder? Have a protest and burn your local CVS? Block more freeways with your bodies? Guess what. If the government has actually gone full tyrannical they’re just going to machinegun your dumbass in the street. They are going to drive through your roadblock, and your bodies will grease the treads of their tanks.

 

That’s what actual tyrants do. So despite your bitching, virtue signaling, and panic attacks, we’re a long way off of that.

 

There is a saying that has long been common in my half of the country. There are four boxes to be used in defense of liberty, soap, ballot, jury, and ammo. Please use in that order. You can debate, vote, and go to court in order to get things changed. You only go ammo box when those other things no longer work, because once you do, there is no going back.

 

God willing, America never gets to that point, because if we ever go to war with ourselves again, then it will be a blood bath the like of which the world has never seen. We have foolishly created a central government so incomprehensibly powerful, that to stop it from committing genocide would require millions of capable citizens to rise up and fight.

 

Congratulations. Now you understand why the Framers put the 2nd Amendment in there. It is the kill switch on the Republic, and everyone with a clue prays we never have to use it.

 

Right now you guys are angry and talking a lot of shit. This is all new to you. My side is the one with the guns, training, and the vast majority of the combat vets, and we really don’t want our government to get so out of control that this ever happens. Only fools wish for a revolution. But that big red button is still there in case of emergency because if a nation as powerful as America ever turned truly evil then the future is doomed. As Orwell said, if you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face—forever.

 

That’s the real meaning of the 2nd Amendment. So don’t screw around with it. If you do you’re no better than the fat wannabes running around the woods in their surplus camo and airsoft plate carriers… You don’t get that, but all my gun culture readers know exactly who I’m talking about. They are the morons CNN trots out whenever they need to paint all gun owners as irresponsible inbred redneck violent dupes for your benefit.

 

And spare me the typical talking points about how an AR-15 can’t fight tanks and drones… It’s way beyond the scope of this article, but you don’t have a flipping clue what you’re talking about. Every HuffPo guest columnist thinks they are Von Clauswitz. They aren’t.

 

This Doomsday option is something we never want to use, but which we need to maintain just in case. It is also another reason Hillary lost. One motivator for Americans to vote for Trump was that Hillary hates the 2nd Amendment. Her husband put the biggest gun ban we’ve ever had in place, and she has been exceedingly clear that she hates guns and would get rid of all of them if she could.

 

And doing that would push that big red button.

 

When the already super powerful government wants to make you even more powerless, that scares the crap out of regular Americans, but you guys have been all in favor of it. Take those nasty guns! Guns are scary and bad. Don’t you stupid rednecks know what’s good for you? The people should live at the whim of the state!

 

But now that the shoe is on the other foot, and somebody you distrust and fear is in charge for a change, the government having all sorts of unchecked power seems like a really bad idea, huh?

 

Absolute power in the hands of anyone should terrify you. The 2nd Amendment is there to make sure some of that power always remains in the hands of the people.

 

CONCLUSION

 

So that’s it. That’s how you go down the path of responsible gun ownership.

 

I don’t care how marginalized you think you are. Get armed. Get trained. Be prepared to defend yourself and your loved ones. That’s part of being a responsible adult.

 

And quit trying to disarm the rest of us.

 

##

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The guide is over. Quit reading if you are easily offended. I’ve already heard enough crying last week, I don’t need it in my blog comments.

 

Now, it’s my blog, I get to rant because I feel like it. As a personal favor in exchange for all this helpful free advice, quit friggin’ yelling at everybody. Damn, libs, people came to a different conclusion than you did, that doesn’t make them sexist, racist, homophobic, or evil. If you hadn’t let the DNC sabotage Bernie Sanders you’d probably be celebrating your victory today. You ran a hideous candidate. Get over yourself and quit blocking traffic. Protesting doesn’t give you the right to burn other people’s property, no matter how butt hurt you are. And just because you saw a picture of racist graffiti: A. For all you know it was put there by Shaun King’s lying ass to get his old job back. Or B. It was put there by an actual racist doofus, and you’re giving a dimwitted shitbag with a $3 can of spray paint power over your emotions. Random scumbags on the right always represent everybody you disagree with, but when an asshole from Black Lives Matters murders five cops or a Muslim blows somebody up they are anomalies and we shouldn’t paint with a broad brush—No shit, thanks Hypocrite-Einstein! People who know dick about the military sound like idiots when explaining to people who actually know how security clearances work how Hillary did no wrong, because we know we’d be in jail for far less. When he was leaking things that made Bush look bad you loved Julian Assange so hard that Benedict Cumberbatch played him in the movie. And no, people don’t want your kid/grandma to die, but Obamacare is taking another $300-$900 extra out of everybody’s pocket for crappier insurance and they’re broke and pissed. Madonna offering free blowjobs isn’t the incentive you’d think it is. Jerkoff celebrities saying they’d move if Trump won made me want to vote for him just to spite them and I can’t stand the man! Trump sucks, but everybody on your side is such a douche that it didn’t matter. This wasn’t some righteous battle between good and evil, it was choosing between brain or colon cancer. Hillary was a reptile piloting a lifelike human suit, with zero charisma, and entitlement issues, who got the candidate she wanted to run against the most and she STILL LOST. Get over it.

 

Whew…

 

And finally, don’t blame me. I voted for ice cream.

 

Peace out.