Today is the Deadline for SAD PUPPIES!

Just a reminder, today is the last day to get your nominations in if you’ve registered to vote for the Hugos!

And here’s a tip from your friendly retired local auditor. When it doubt, print it out.

If you have registered and not received your PIN, then there are shenanigans afoot. I already know of people who registered before the cut off, but were not given their PIN because “we didn’t process your registration in time”. You might think that’s bad, but us trained auditors calls that evidence. :)  If that has happened to you, I’d really like to know about it.

Leland Yee, Super Villain

Senator Leland Yee (D California)

Senator Leland Yee (D California)

I’ve got to hand it to Democrat state senator, Leland Yee. Most political scandals are the typical drug use, hookers, or bribery stuff. This guy reaches for the stars.  He isn’t messing around. There is no half assed corruption here. If Yee had a machine that could control the weather he’d be a Batman villain.

He got busted in an FBI sting, taking millions of dollars in bribes, to smuggle RPGs and machineguns through brutal Chinese tong gangs, through the Ukraine, to rebel insurgents in the Phillipines. No. I’m not making any of that up.

The part that makes this all so awesome and hilarious is that the only reason people like me know who Yee is, is because he’s the primary asshole behind disarming law abiding Californians. Yes. He is the anti-gun poster child. He has an A+ from the Brady Center morons. (Hmmm… Now that he’s been caught smuggling rocket launchers to Muslim rebels, but he’s still a democrat, they might downgrade him to a B).

So, regular Californians can’t own an AR-15, but Chinese drug lords, no problemo. Law abiding citizen protected by the 2nd Amendment, go to hell. Murderous scumbag criminals, good to hook. This plan seems to work for Eric Holder too.

The other part that makes this funny as hell is that he is also the anti violent video game guy… Yee is the crusading liberal who has been out there trying to get violent video games banned. Because won’t somebody think of the children!

Let that sink in for a delicious moment.

Grand Theft Auto? Hell, he doesn’t need to play it. Leland Yee LIVES Grand Theft Auto. If only he hadn’t been exposed to Call of Duty, then he wouldn’t have been so tempted to smuggle machineguns to MILF. And yes. The rebels were actually called MILF (Moro Islamic Liberation Front) So when you hear that a Green Beret bagged a MILF, it really could go either way.

Of coure you probably haven’t seen too much of this on the regular news, because Yee is a democrat, and thus his scandal is totally not newsworthy. I saw a thing where Yee’s bust had gotten a grand total of like 30 seconds of coverage on CNN, in between long reports of how Chris Christe may possibly have blocked traffic.

Think about that. Sure, I know that CNN is basically the marketing department of the DNC, but this story has everything. It is implausible. It is ridiculous. It is Breaking Bad only more absurd. His Chinese mafia contact was named Shrimp Boy Chow! How the hell can you not report on a respected elected official making millions of dollars from rebels MILFs and a mob boss actually named SHRIMP BOY CHOW!

Nope. You’re gonna get long reports about boring ass Chris Christie and his being a jerk. I’m not a Christie fan, at all. He’s a republican electable in New Jersey, enough said. But oh no! He might have shut down a bridge out of spite! That’s worth hundreds and hundreds of hours of coverage…

But, but SHRIMP BOY!

Yee is like the tenth democrat busted recently for corruption, only he is so much more awesome at it than those losers. Mayor with hookers and blow? BORING. Yee smokes those chumps. He is a rock star. And before the moral equivelency police show up to bark at me about how the parties are exactly the same… Holy moly, you must suck at statistical analysis. But democrats being corrupt shouldn’t come as a surprise, since for the last five years their highest echelon has been allowed to totally get away with insane scandals like Fast & Furious, or using the IRS to punish political enemies. When that kind of behavior is excused, why wouldn’t it trickle down? The fish rots from the head. And with the supposed watch dogs of the media not doing their job, what’s a little gun smuggling between friends?

I’ve already seen some democrats trying to explain away Yee, like he was no big deal. He was just some minor little dude… He’s only a state senator after all… (and I believe the 3rd or 4th California democrat state legislator to get arrested recently). Except for the part where he was a state super star, and he was running for Secretary of State. And when Harry Potter finally finds and destroys Nancy Pelosi’s last Horcrux, then Yee was going to take her spot. (I’m actually not sure if California even still has elections or if their godking just appoints the democrat of his choice to oversee the peasants in their various fiefs).

Leland Yee should be all over the news, but since he’s a democrat it will be the duty of us crusading journalist type bloggers to spread the truth. These are the facts I have so far:

- Leland Yee originally came to the FBI’s attention after selling guns to a motorcycle gang known as the Sons of Anarchy. Ron Perlman was unavailable for comment.

- FBI investigated and discovered that an RV registered to one Wynn Duffy was parked in Leland Yee’s driveway. It is believed that Leland Yee was the triggerman who recently shot Chief Deputy Art Mullen.

- Leland Yee is part owner of a chain of fast food chicken restaurants named Los Pollos Hermanos.

- Leland Yee must sacrifice a girl with green eyes so that he may be made flesh again.

- Leland Yee would have got away with it too, if it hadn’t been for you meddling kids.

EDIT: BREAKING NEWS! It was just confirmed that to replace Leland Yee, California is appointing respected educator and heroic cancer survivor Walter White to take Yee’s seat.

The Drowning Empire, Episode 50: Shogun Wedding

The Drowning Empire is a weekly serial based on the events which occured during the Writer Nerd Game Night monthly Legend of the Five Rings game. It is a tale of samurai adventure set in the magical world of Rokugan.

If you would like to read all of these in one convenient place, along with a bunch of additional game related stuff, behind the scenes info, and detailed session recaps, I’ve been posting everything to one thread on the L5R forum,

This week’s episode was written by Zach Hill, who is playing our gullible yet honorable farmer samurai, Suzume Shintaro.

Continued from:


Yuki tapped on the door and then slid it open with her free hand. The other hand carried a tray of tea. Shintaro was at his writing desk. Whatever he was writing had to be important because he didn’t notice her enter. He was bent over and writing faster than she had seen anyone write.

“Shintaro? Tea’s ready.”

He looked up at her without a pause in his writing.

She padded over and placed the tea to the side of his black writing desk.

“They didn’t have any of those spicey rice balls you like. What are you writing that’s more interesting than me?”

“A poem to the most honorable samurai of our generation.”



Even hearing his name made the room feel colder. Uso. He was not honorable. He used honor the same way a chicken farmer used chickens to feed his family.

“And why is he the most honorable?”

“It was amazing, Yuki. His swordsmanship is the best I’ve seen. He was dueling a yojimbo that was so outclassed it would have been comical if it were in a play. But he spared her. He could have killed her in one stroke, but instead he disarmed her before she could finish drawing her sword. I’ve never seen anything quite like it.”

“You admire him?”

“Indeed. I admire all of my companions. Each one has a trait that I find lacking in myself.”

“True, you don’t drink nearly as well as Oki.”

“I was thinking more about his archery.”

“And you can’t throw rocks around like they were paper.”

“I was thinking more about his courage and willingness to face danger, regardless if it be a horde of bandits or his own fears.”

“And your horse isn’t nearly powerful as Subotai’s.”

“You win. I definitely wish I had a horse like that.”

He smiled and pulled her into his side.

Shintaro was laughing, but she wasn’t. He still trusted Uso. But there was nothing she could do. If she attempted to watch him he’d spot her before she even saw him. She couldn’t hide in the shadows from someone who lived his entire life in them. All that would accomplish was gaining his attention and right now her only defense was remaining out of his sight.

“I heard about Toranaka and Utaku. Did he really propose a marriage in front of everyone?”

“In a way, yes.”

It was much too early to mention marriage around Shintaro and she wasn’t sure she wanted to dwell on her chances. She had learned early to never give her hopes any ground. They always failed her.

“Are they lovers?” She asked.

“I do not know, but I do know that Subotai is getting along very well with his fiancé.”

“And by ‘very well’ do you mean how we get on very well?”

“A similar manner, I’d imagine, though probably without nearly as much noise.”

“I am not that loud.”

“I believe they heard you back in Broken Wave City.”

“When are they getting married? If they don’t hurry she might find herself in a compromising position. No one wants to get married while showing.”

“Back on Sparrow lands,” he started to say. She never knew if she should fear or prepare to stifle a laugh whenever he started a sentence like that. “When a woman finds herself in an embarrassing situation and is forced to marry, we call that a “Shogun Wedding.” It comes from Shogun Ichi Nioshi back in 378. He got the Emperor’s daughter pregnant and was forced to marry her the next day.”

“So, you fear Subotai might be forced into a Shogun Wedding?”

“I’m not sure that’s a bad thing at this point.”

Over the past few weeks she had paid particular attention to his descriptions of Sparrow lands. It wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for a Sparrow samurai to marry a peasant.

She hated thinking about that. That was too high a target for her. She had to think about what was possible. His consort or mistress would be far more likely. She wouldn’t complain about that at all. Even that was far more than she had ever had.




Shintaro watched as Doji Shunya said his good byes. More accurately, he stood there impassibly while others bid him farewell. Shintaro couldn’t let the duelist go without saying his mind.

“Doji Shunya, I wish you well on your journey. I found you a most honorable samurai and even though you wish to kill my friend, Subotai, I would travel with you any time.”

Shunya looked around as if lost for words. Shintaro’s power of speech often had that affect on people. There were many a time that he had brought a whole room full of conversation to a stand still.

Shintaro’s power was with his bisento, but in second place was his power with words.

Now it was his duty to give Toranaka advice on how to keep the interest of a certain young Unicorn battle maiden. If there was one thing he knew as much about aside from fighting and words, it was people. He made a careful study of people and knew human nature as if it were a familiar scroll.




Clouds illuminated by an unnatural green light swirled over the village. His heart was still pounding from the battle with the cultists on the road, but it wasn’t nearly enough to get his battle vigor going. He needed more. His blade was still thirsty.

Killing unnecessarily or without just cause was horrible and Shintaro feared becoming a butcher as much as he feared losing honor, but this was a righteous cause. These animals were killing peasants and Shintaro could not abide that. Not at all. He despised people that abused the weak. That was the entire purpose of being a samurai; helping others. First his emperor, then his lord and then the innocent. Whoever it may be, Shintaro’s duty was to serve them like a true samurai.

And these men, whoever they were, would receive no pity from Shintaro. Unfortunately, many samurai would never die for a peasant. Shintaro would.

There was one peasant in particular that he would most certainly die for. And it so happened that she was also an amazing cook. That was wasabi on top of the sushi.

As they rode closer to the darkened village he saw many of the Unicorn scouts in combat with giant ogre. These creatures carried enormous blades and wore heavy armor of a kind he had never seen before.

The scout leader ran up to their group and pointed toward the direction of the village center.

“Stop the ceremony!”

Shintaro looked and saw more of the cultists. Some were towering over huddled peasants, a sight that made ‘Water Dragon’ thirsty for more blood. Other cultists were standing on a mound and chanting in an unfamiliar language. Orbs of moving water hovered in front of the cultists. It was some kind of water magic and that wasn’t good.

He gripped the haft of his bisento and charged forward on his mighty steed.

And promptly came to a creek bed that was too steep and deep to take his horse over. As he dismounted he saw a blur fly by him. He turned in time to see Subotai leap his horse over the creek and land on the other side. Shintaro had never seen a feat of horsemanship like that in his life. He would have to put that in the official history of this expedition…which he couldn’t write about yet because everything was a secret. If he managed to survive all of this, he would have to put this part in.

He scrambled to the other side and charged the mound where the cultists were performing their sickening ceremony. He wanted to go rescue the peasants but he was slow and there was a threat right in front of his face. He had to deal with the problems one step at a time. That was what his father had taught him.

The father whom he would probably behead to satisfy his clan’s honor.

Or was it his own desire?

Oki began hammering arrows into the cultists that were killing peasants while Subotai charged with his horse.

These were the pathetic peasant cultists they had fought earlier. These men had sharp knives and whips and knew the art of battle very well. Whoever they were, they were no cowards. Their masks were black and orange like tigers and whatever they were doing the swirling green clouds were centered right above them.

He swung at one of the cultists and knocked him down, but the wound was slight. They had armor under their robes. Very well. He would just hit harder.

Suddenly the chanting grew in intensity to an inhuman level and just as suddenly broke off. Shintaro blocked an attack by a cultist’s whip and kicked the man off the mound. One of the peasants dropped to the ground with a slit throat. The cultist off to the right raised his bloody knife and made some kind of gesture with his free hand.

The faces of the tied up peasants showed wild, searching eyes. They were practically begging for him to save them and he was failing them. He would not let any more down.

Something was breathing behind him. Something very big and loud. It smelled of rotting meat and decayed fields. Shintaro turned and looked up at one of the ogre creatures standing where the orb of water had been. Mist was coming off its dark hide and its angry, red eyes looked down at him with unmistakable rage. Where had that thing come from?

Cultist magic. He really hated cultists.

He didn’t pause even to let out a war cry. He swung at the beast with everything he had. He caught the ogre in the side and water gushed out the wound.

The ogre roared and swung its tree sized sword at their group. He felt the wind from the swing brush his face and after realizing he was still alive, swung again. Everyone was hacking away at the monster and soon it was on its knees, bleeding water out of its many wounds.

More cultists were charging forward. Many of his comrades were wounded and he didn’t know if they could face these madmen. So he placed himself in front and took the brunt of their attack.

Between Oki’s arrows, Usai’s hurling rocks and everyone else’s blades, they slaughtered the remaining cultists.

He was breathing hard and searching the nearby huts and woods for any sign of movement. The battle behind them had died along with the ogres.




“And then what happened, Shintaro?” Yuki asked.

“Some Crab samurai showed up. I told them epic story of our struggle and they seemed satisfied. We met our friends from the Jolly Crab and I think Oki bought the brewery.”

“Bought the brewery? The one you where you beat up that one armed guy?”

“That’s the one.”

“Is that wise?”

“What do you mean?

“Oki might drink up the profits.”

“Even he can’t drink that much.”

“But he does have friends.”

Yuki sat back on her knees and poured more tea for them. This Unicorn tea was different than anything she had had before, but it was good. She’d have to get the recipe.

Shintaro talked about his battle against magical cultists with the skill of a story teller but also the calmness of a monk. How did he face down such horrors and not come out shaken? He seemed just as content about life as ever.

She was good at appearing unconcerned, but that was from a lifetime of practice. Shintaro simply wasn’t hiding anything.

“Enough of ogres and cultists. I have a book I think you might like.”

“A book?”

“Yes. A philosopher monk wrote it five hundred years ago.”

“Philosophy?” She’d heard the term before but never understood the purpose. “We had a philosopher back at the docks. He served the noon time meal.”

“Read it and then tell me what you think.”

He handed the scroll over and she took it while looking at his face. Was this one of his jokes? But his face showed sincerity. He wanted her to read some ancient scroll.

Gullible? Yes. Naïve? Absolutely. Stupid? Not one bit. The man was almost bursting with knowledge. Whatever faults Shintaro had, ignorance and lack of education were not among them. Sometimes she was amazed at how much information was stored in that man’s head.

So, her education began.

To be continued next week:


Last minute Hugo slate thoughts

I still haven’t decided what to put for my last few categories.

It was pointed out to me that the MHIRPG could be considered Best Related Work. I’ve got no idea if a game book counts or not, but it is pretty awesome, and it is related, so why the heck not. So best related work Monster Hunter International Role Playing Game by Hero Games.

People have asked about my shorts and novellas, I’m not pushing any of those because I’m supporting somebody else in those categories. I just want Warbound in there to piss people off. :)

Paul Genesse is pushing Karen Bovenmyer’s story from Crimson Pact 5 (available in the links to the right because I’ve got a story in there). Paul edited it. It is called Failsafe. I heard that she just barely missed the Nebula ballot.

The last few days I’ve been slammed and have had a bunch of author friends contact me to suggest things. I just wish they would have sooner, so I’d have had more time to read and think about them.

My Hugo Slate

Don’t forget to nominate. The cut off is coming up fast. It doesn’t do any good to spend $40 to combat Puppy Related Sadness if you don’t nominate! :)

This is what I’ve got right now. I’m still thinking about some of the other categories, and I can go back and put them in still when I decide.

Best Novel

Warbound, the Grimnoir Chronicles – Larry Correia – Baen

A Few Good Men – Sarah Hoyt – Baen


The Butcher of Khardov – Dan Wells – Skull Island Expeditions

The Chaplain’s Legacy – Brad Torgersen – Analog


The Exchange Officers – Brad Torgersen – Analog

Opera Vita Aeterna – Vox Day – The Last Witchking

Best Fanzine

Elitist Book Reviews – Steve Diamond

Graphic Story

Schlock Mercenary – Howard Tayler

Best Editor Long Form

Toni Weisskopf

Best Editor Short Form

Bryan Thomas Schmidt

Campbell Award

Marko Kloos

Frank Chadwick


I haven’t put anything yet for related work, dramatic presentations, or short story. Still trying to decide.


Tax Day Customer Service

Two things happened on Friday that are sort of related, in that they both are examples of the government pissing me off. While my wife was being treated like scum by a petty government bureaucrat, I found out what my final tax bill for 2013 was.

First, my wife needed to renew her driver’s license. The DMV requires some specific pieces of info to decide if you are worthy. It doesn’t matter that she’s had a license in Utah for 20 years. Nope. It doesn’t matter that she has a Utah Concealed Firearms Permit (because a state issued form of ID that is background checked out the wazoo DAILY totally doesn’t count). She needed a W2 (oh, you’re a stay at home mom? Too damned bad) and a Social Security card. She couldn’t find her card. It doesn’t matter that there are a dozen other ways to verify her SS number, including our taxes, our mortgage, or the aforementioned other state issued IDs, nope, you need the actual piece of paper, because regulations, and we all know that nobody has ever forged a piece of paper before.

But no big deal. The guy at the DMV was just doing his job. He was polite and professional. Sorry, no hard feelings, understandable. So my wife needed to go to the Social Security Administration to get a new card and once she could show the paper indicating she’d asked for it the DMV would issue a temporary license.

So before going to the SS Admin, the lovely Mrs. Correia decided to check to make sure she had everybody else’s SS cards in the safe. For some reason Correia 2.1’s card was missing. 2.1 is now a teenager, so it probably got pulled out for some minor function, and not put back in the file, and was floating around the house somewhere with some other paperwork. Either that or it was being used by a dozen Guatemalans working for ACORN, who knows. So off Mrs. Correia goes to the federal building to get a new card for herself and for our oldest. She takes Correia 2.4 with her, because the only thing better than standing in line at a government building, is standing in line at a government building with a 2 year old.

Meanwhile, I’m home writing another novel. I’d like to say I’m Getting Paid (as should be on all author’s mission statements) but since I’m still writing the first half, apparently that part of the novel was written entirely for the federal government, but I’ll come back to that.

So Mrs. Correia and Moose go to the federal building, where they have to go through a metal detector and a guard checkpoint, and then stand in line waiting to talk to some ladies behind bullet proof glass… Judging by how they treat people, I can understand the need for guards and the bullet proof glass, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Those of you who have met my wife normally have the same reaction. “Why’d she marry you?” Basically, Mrs. Correia is a beautiful, charming, friendly, kind person. When she says that she was polite and nice at this point, I believe her, because that’s how she is. She’s not snooty. She’s not bitchy. And this is important, when she gets mad, she gets quiet. Not loud, that’s me. Quiet. She gets real calm and starts to plot her revenge. In 16 years of marriage I’ve never seen her shout at anybody other than me or the children, and it isn’t like that’s happened very often, which is what lets you know you done really screwed up when mom yells. She also put herself through college working crappy service jobs, and has waited tables, answered phones, been a hostess, and a restaurant cook, so her default to anybody doing a service job is always patient, because she’s been there.

So she’s in a good mood. 2.4 is in a good mood. She gets to the window. The woman, or shoggoth wearing a woman suit, I’m not entirely sure, on the other side of the thick glass doesn’t make eye contact. She keeps staring at her computer screen, mumbling something incomprehensible.


The woman barks at her that she’s not talking to her yet. She’s talking to some of the other .gov employees. Okay, no problem. Then she mumbles something else, all without making eye contact, and then gets angry when my wife doesn’t immediately respond, because now she is being addressed. She finally looks at my wife, and gives what she described as a sneer. Oh, yes, pretty lady, you’re in my lair now.

Okay, Mrs. Correia is still patient. Because she can barely hear the woman through the glass, she assumes the woman can’t hear her, so she speaks loudly and clearly and states her business. Keep in mind, my wife isn’t a loud person. I’m the loud one. She explains that she needs a new card for her and her daughter. She presents various pieces of paperwork that show she is who she says she is.

The shoggoth says she can’t accept the driver’s license, because it is expired. My wife, who checked the website to make sure she had enough stuff before standing in line, says that expired licenses are still good for like 60 or 90 days, and this just barely expired, so it should be fine. (meanwhile, our insurance card, which we could have made up and printed and then had laminated at Kinkos? Totally legit form of ID)

And this is when it gets sideways. The lady says, I shit you not “Ma’am, you need to calm down or I’m going to call the guards and have you removed.”

What the fuck?

My wife doesn’t even have an immediate response. She’s flabbergasted. That was too out of left field. Her reaction at this point was, huh? She’s not been agitated, or angry, or even particularly loud by adult human standards or even a little upset. There is literally nothing in her demeanor that suggests she is in any way distressed, at all.

My wife says she’s not upset… And this is why I love her, says “When you call the guards, call your supervisor too.” Then she reaches into her pocket, pulls out her cell phone, and says “I’m going to record the rest of this conversation.”

Boom. That stops the talk of Guards! Seize her! And the surly minor mandarin gets back to her super complex job of pushing a couple of buttons on a keyboard. But oh no, she couldn’t just shut up and do her stupid job. She actually warns my wife that she’d better not lose any more cards, because the SS is only allowed to issue a few replacement cards over someone’s entire life, and if our kids don’t have cards, then they won’t ever be able to have jobs or licenses…

No kidding.

According to Mrs. Correia, that snide little comment was delivered with this sort of maternal, self-righteous, lecturing tone you reserve for crack heads. Why, look what a terrible mother you are. To quote my wife telling me the story, “that comment was not delivered in a helpful manner, but it was more of a, you’re a shitty mom because your kids won’t get jobs or have drivers’ licenses.”

Yes… If you lose this token from the king, then your children will starve in a ditch. Are you kidding me? My wife says she’s not worried, gets her stuff for her temporary license and leaves (they don’t even print the cards there, they have to mail the cards from another facility, because pushing Ctrl P is probably WAY TOO COMPLICATED for this crew).

I don’t know what part of that makes me angrier. That fact that some petty bureaucrat can threaten to sic armed guards on a woman holding a 2 year old because she didn’t like her imaginary attitude or the part afterward where she needed to be put in her place, peasant.

Now if I’d been there, it probably would have been a lot worse, because I worked closely with the federal government for a big chunk of my professional career and I am a keen expert on their various forms of nonsense. When she said she’d call the guards, I probably would have said, sweet, you do that while I call my senator’s chief of staff. That reminds me of a story that I still can’t tell because I know the petty little scumbags involved would punish the people I used to work with just out of spite. But I once dealt with a minor government functionary who was so screwed up, imbalanced, hateful, and dumb, that the only thing that finally got them straightened out was when we got a senator involved with their bosses’, boss’, boss. (on that note, Mike Lee is a total badass, and he doesn’t just talk the talk about stopping out of control government abuse, but he walks the walk). Yet you know how that particular agency solved the problem? They promoted the idiot so they wouldn’t have to deal with her anymore. That’s what happens in an organization where it is almost impossible to fire anyone.

Before the easily butt hurt get all up in arms, no, I don’t hate all government employees. Like I said, I’ve worked with the government a lot and I’ve known many solid professionals during that time. However, everybody who has worked with or for the government in any capacity knows exactly how inefficient they are, and if they are one of the aforementioned solid professionals working there, they know that many of their coworkers are useless sacks of poo. In most functioning entities, if you have somebody who sucks, you fire them. When it is almost impossible to fire people, .gov managers do the next best thing and simply shuffle them around so that they are somebody else’s problem. They are fundamentally immune to the repercussions of their actions, and they know it. Then when you give these people some small measure of authority over other people’s lives, it shouldn’t come as a shock when they act like assholes.

Yet Americans are expected to shut up, know our place, and be good little serfs… If we get out of line, we’ll be in trouble.

No, lady, get off your high horse, make eye contact through your four inches of glass, quit fucking mumbling, and speak to us like a human being. I don’t know if you’re talking to me or one of your other friends, nor do I give a shit, because you work for me. That security guard you are threatening my wife with? I bet he doesn’t really like the way you’re using him like a club to intimidate peaceful people either.

Because I lost a slip of paper, my children’s lives will be ruined forever? And I’m being told this by a snide little cog of the government that routinely loses billions of dollars, thousands of rifles in Mexico, or every email that might be vaguely incriminating? Fuck off.

And when I say you work for me, no, I kid you not. I got my final tax bill for 2013. On the same day that my wife was being disrespected by somebody so bad at customer service she wouldn’t be qualified to run a register at Taco Bell, I found out that I paid enough in taxes to cover that woman’s entire salary… Only I’m hoping she doesn’t make that much, and I actually paid enough in taxes to pay her supervisor’s salary, assuming he was a GS 11 or 12, and probably cover his benefits too.

Whenever I complain about taxes I can count on somebody to come along and lecture me about how I should be glad to pay my fair share—about how it is super importantto pay for the iPhones for crack whores program, or the legions of useless departments and their functionaries. Every single time I say something on Twitter or Facebook complaining about the sheer mass of my taxes, or lamenting the other useful things I could have spent that money on, I’m told what a bad person I am and how I should feel bad. If I pay that much, it must be because I’m rich and therefore evil, so I should be super happy to fork over a bunch of what I make. Wanting to keep the fruits of my own labor is greed.

I should be happy to pay my fair share because more Americans work for the government than in the construction, farming, fishing, manufacturing, and mining industries combined. And somebody needs to foot that bill. But that still isn’t enough. The government still needs to do more, because they haven’t yet managed to bring their shitty brand of customer service to every single facet of our lives.

The condemners are usually the same crowd who bitch about everything related to America, or American history, or American exceptionalism, who get all angry at people like me for actually believing in that stuff. The difference is, they think America is the government, whereas my side thinks America is awesome despite our government.

Here is a lot more detail on my opinion on that subject, and my Cut Everything plan. This was my Tax Day Rant that went viral back in 2011: Hilarity ensued. In fact, it got me so much hate mail that it spawned a response a few days later. Which is what helped me come up with the Arguing Checklist.

Since that time I’ve quit my day job to be a full time writer and the amount I’ve paid in taxes has gone up dramatically. The government sure hasn’t gotten any smarter with our money during that either, and nothing drives that home quite like having some petty bureaucrat disrespect your wife all while having the honor of paying for it.

A new short story from me

Iron Kingdoms Excursions: Season One, Volume Two

And it is short. This compilation is 99 cents and has stories from me, Howard Tayler, and Will Schick. These are set in the Warmachine universe, and I wrote about one of the same characters I created in Instruments of War.

This is the kind of crap authors have to put up with

Warning. I’m going to rant, and there will be bad words. This post has a trigger warning for stupid people who put up stupid reviews on Amazon and the easily butt hurt.

So I was poking around Amazon reading my reviews. What can I say? I’m a glutton for punishment. I wanted to see what the reviews were like for the fiction I’d done for Privateer Press. (normally I have really good reviews, and then a handful of haters who whine about my politics and try to punish me with bad reviews). I checked Instuments of War  35 five stars, 7 four stars, 2 three stars, and this little gem: of 1 people found the following review helpful

2.0 out of 5 stars i have not bought nor read this book, March 9, 2014
This review is from: Instruments of War (Warlock Sagas) (Kindle Edition)
come on people; you’re paying 5 bucks for a short story. So long as people continue to pay, then publishers, authors, and amazon will continue to gouge. The costs for an e-book are negligible; pennies per copy. On an $8.00 paperback the author, publisher, and seller split about $4.00, sometimes less, sometimes a lot less. On an e-book it except a flat fee (about $200.00) to convert it to the format there are no costs. Anytime you spend $8 to $10 to $16 for an e-book; you are being gouged and when I saw a short story being sold for $5.00 I had to speak up. I am a fan of larry correia and buy a lot of his books; but come on people don’t be chumps.
I know authors aren’t supposed to respond to reviews. That is supposed to lower us or something. Us artistic types are supposed to be all sorts of aloof, but this is so freaking stupid that I’ve got to comment on it. Here is my reply.
Damn this pisses me off. Where the hell does anybody named fucking Bork get off calling my readers chumps?
Holy shit. Are you kidding me? You left a 2 star review on a book you did not read so that you could get all preachy about the supposed costs of publication. Shut up, you cheap ass bastard.
First off, it isn’t a “short story”. It is a novella. It is 30,000 words. That is 1/2 to 1/3 of a novel in most genres. That is actually anywhere from 3 to 30 “short stories”.  Do you bitch about all YA books because they only average 80K but cost the same as my 150k-200k fantasy novels? No? Then shut up, hypocrite.
Is it more expensive than most of my books by the word? Yep. Since those ebooks are usually $8. Whoop de friggin’ do. I don’t set the prices on those either.
Second, the size doesn’t actually matter, because you admited that you DIDN’T ACTUALLY READ THE BOOK. You know, the thing that you are supposed to be rating the quality there of. For all you could know it could be the most mind blowing 80 pages ever written and in really tiny print to boot, but you couldn’t get off your cheap, self righteous ass long enough to find out.
(for the record, it isn’t the best thing ever, but it was fun enough that most people who aren’t whiny little bitches didn’t mind spending $5 for it!)
Next, the MASSIVE cost is $5. That’s FIVE WHOLE DOLLARS. That is the cost of a mediocre hamburger. Most of us who aren’t cheap ass bastards leave bigger tips than that for our mediocre hamburgers. I can’t even imagine what a shitty tipper Bork is.
And this isn’t a bash on poor people who struggle to come up with $5. Been there, done that, ate a whole lot of Ramen noodle. I’ve been dirt poor and a reader. That’s what libraries are for. Only if you get your books from a library you can’t really bitch about the cost in your pointless preachy reviews now, can you?
But that’s not the important thing about why this is such a shitty, pointless, obnoxious, annoying review. Oh no… The best part is how you are daring to lecture people about how they are enjoying themselves wrong. 
The majority of the people who bought this gave it good reviews. They seemed to think it was worth the $5 they threw at it. They felt they got their $5 worth…. In fact some of the 4 stars were because they liked the book but thought it was a bit expensive. Groovy. At least they read it! Most people will read this book over a couple of hours. Speed readers will read through it faster, so they are paying between $2 and $5 an hour to be entertained. Do you leave shitty reviews about every single movie shown in a movie theater because those work out to $7 an hour or more? Way more if you buy popcorn, but we know you’re too damned cheap to buy popcorn and you’d rather pick strays out of the other seats.
Heaven help us if Bork ever discovers golf…
Bork is like the annoying little shits who write complaint letters to Top Gear because they review awesome cars that most of us will never be able to afford. Shut up. Nobody likes you or your hand wringing. We want to see the Stig spin doughnuts in a car that cost more than our house.
Oh, but all the good reviews are wrong, because you spat out some gibberish about how much YOU THINK books should cost. Fanfuckingtastic. You should go write a bunch of books and make a successfull living at it pricing them however you want. Oh, but you don’t. Then here is a nice warm cup of shut the hell up. You should go Occupy Some Street while you tell people how much is FAIR for their labor.
Newsflash, dipshit. I’m not the one who set the cost. The publisher set the cost. In that whole little screed you put up you are comparing the costs of hack self publishing (which believe me, I’m not bashing, because that’s how I got started) to the publishing costs of an IP, with actual staff, and actual artists, and the fact that they had to pay me up front. I don’t know what you get paid per hour to ejaculate pigs or WTF ever it is you do for a living, but us NYT bestsellers like to GET PAID.
There’s a $200 fee to translate a book into ebook format, you say? Why, I didn’t know that was all there was to it! Never mind the fact that somebody with my resume doesn’t even show up for somebody else’s IP unless they throw a large pile of money at us, or in this case, bribe me with minis. :)  Only Bork is missing the point even harder on the econ side of things that he’s calling you all chumps for not understanding, since he’s talking about the costs of converting a book from hard to e publish… Only this was e publish only from the beginning so there wasn’t a hard cover or mass market to recoup any of the advance costs… But what do I know? I just do this writing thing for a living
I hate, hate, HATE reviews like this on Amazon, where it is some dipshit commenting on their woes as opposed to reviewing the actual product. “I didn’t like the color of the box the book was shipped in. ONE STAR!” “I bought this book that is clearly not in the genre I like, so it gets ONE STAR for not being in the genre I wanted because I’m too fucking stupid to read the back cover blurb!” On and on. Holy shit, there should be an IQ test before people are allowed to use the internet, because you are really pissing off the rest of us who don’t sleep in helmets.
Authors simply love having our average ranking pulled down for bullshit that has absolutely nothing to do with the actual book. “I do/don’t like sci-fi. This book has/doesn’t have sci-fi in it. ONE STAR!” “I don’t like whales. Whales are stupid and fat and so is Herman Melville! Moby Dick gets ONE STAR!”
But hey, he gave me TWO WHOLE STARS because he is a fan. (I bet he won’t be after he reads this). Well thank goodness, it wasn’t one star! That was mighty white of him to be so merciful. Also, he doesn’t read a lot of my books like he claims, because I’d be surprised if he could figure out how to operate one without injuring himself.
You know what would have been a fair one or two star review? Somebody who actually READ THE STORY but thought it wasn’t worth the price. That would at least make sense.
Us retired accountants love to have ignorant types lecture us on pricing and basic economics. Do I think $5 is the right price? Hell if I know. It isn’t my place to cost it. I’m not the publishing house. I don’t know their fixed costs, their projections, their marketing plan, and neither does some jackass on the internet. My job is to write the most entertaining story possible and let the market decide if the entertainment value is worth the money. Since they’ve not lowered the price, I’m assuming the market can bear it.
You know what else is too expensive? Everything that I’m too cheap to purchase, that’s what! ONE STAR!
The eARC for Monster Hunter Nemesis came out today. It is FIFTEEN DOLLARS! And it isn’t even proof read! But hundreds of people are super happy to download it three months early. Shit, Bork, you better hurry over to Baen’s Webscriptions and dazzle those people with your brilliance and let them all know that they are chumps. If you don’t they might enjoy themselves wrong or something.

The eARC for Monster Hunter Nemesis is available now!

Here you go, direct from Baen:

The book will actually release in July. For those of you not familiar with how eARCs work, they are Electronic Advanced Reader Copies. Meaning that they are the things that go out to reviewers and buyers. They aren’t fully edited yet. This is the book as it stands when I turn my draft in to the publisher before there is any copy editing.

So if you are truly hard core, you can get the book several months early, and as an added bonus see all my typos. :)

The Drowning Empire, Episode 49: The Hunt is On

The Drowning Empire is a weekly serial based on the events which occured during the Writer Nerd Game Night monthly Legend of the Five Rings game. It is a tale of samurai adventure set in the magical world of Rokugan.

If you would like to read all of these in one convenient place, along with a bunch of additional game related stuff, behind the scenes info, and detailed session recaps, I’ve been posting everything to one thread on the L5R forum,

This week’s episode is a recap from Paul Genesse.

Continued from:

Journal of Akodo Toranaka, Nineteenth Entry
First Year of the Reign of Empress Hantei Yumi
Twenty-first Day of the Month of the Boar
Teika Pass, Crab Lands in the Ivory Kingdoms

I followed Utaku Yanai into battle yesterday, and we killed our enemies side by side. She led her cohort of one hundred Unicorn cavalry, and our group of six samurai against the Sons of the Tiger, savage men who worship the dead goddess, Kali-ma. These men must be allied with our enemy, the tiger demon known as Doji Chonitsu. I suspect they knew we were coming, and had decided to slay us before we could oppose their masters. They may have succeeded if Yanai and her warriors had not been escorting us, as six samurai could not have survived against so many.
The Battle of Teika Pass began when several terrified peasants were seen fleeing down the road, coming straight for us. The peasants spoke of Ivendi men, brutal savages with whips and curved knives, who had just descended upon their village, and killed the handful of Crab samurai stationed there to protect them.
The Sons of the Tiger had then rounded up the peasants who had not escaped and began a blood magic ritual, using the poor villagers for a Maho spell fed by innocent blood.
Dozens of Ivendi horsemen pursued the fleeing peasants, trying to capture them all, as they needed more victims for the dark ritual.
The Sons of the Tiger did not expect Utaku Yanai, her Battle Maidens, and Master Byung-Chul with his Vindicators to arrive in such force. Yanai led her cavalry boldly, decisively, and we charged into the enemy, riding uphill as fast as our mounts would run. My horse is small, but he knew my heart, and somehow he kept up with Yanai’s giant mare. I was determined to fight at Yanai’s side, and I slaughtered half a dozen of the enemy while guarding her right flank. I guided my horse with my knees as Subotai had taught me, keeping the reigns in my teeth as I wielded my sword with a firm grip, all the while wishing I was a whole man, with two arms instead of an ugly stump covered with burn scars.
It all happened to quickly, as most skirmishes do, and fortunately, I was able to save the life of an unhorsed Unicorn bushi, Shinjo Khodai. I struck down a pair of Ivendi who were about to cut Khodai’s throat. He has since thanked me, and I will count him as an ally in the times ahead.
The enemy horsemen were routed quickly, and we rode hard toward the village at the Teika Pass. What we found will haunt all who saw it for years to come. Eerie storm clouds had gathered above the village, called by dark magic, and rain fell hard from clouds that glowed with an unnatural green light. Peasants were being slaughtered by the Sons of the Tiger, and giant oni, similar to ogres, were being summoned. The demons crossed into our world through spheres of water, which floated in the air at the center of circles of the Ivendi warlocks.
Yanai and her Battle Maidens, aided by Master Byung-Chul and his Vindicators engaged the demons guarding the perimeter. After seeing what was happening, Byung-Chul ordered me to lead my companions through the line and stop the Maho rituals. The Sons of the Tiger were summoning more of the giant demons by killing the peasants, and they had to be stopped.
We crossed the river at the edge of the village where the enemy lines were weakest. Subotai was the only one able to leap the river on horseback. The rest of us had to use the small stones poking out of the current to reach the far bank.
I led my friends and we immediately took the high ground, a mound of earth in the center of the village where we slew a large ogre and the Ivendi warlocks who had summoned it. With Tamori Isao’s powerful earth magic, and the rest of us using our steel, we pressed our attack as time was against us. Subotai-san used his horse to dominate the entire length of the battlefield, and Oki-san’s deadly aim stopped several of the rituals, while the rest of us attacked the Sons of the Tiger without mercy.
We all did our part, and much glory was gained during the battle by all of us. Peasants died at the hands of the barbarians, but we saved many of them, and stopped our enemy from summoning more of the deadly ogres, who melted into water when they died.
I found Yanai after the battle, sword in hand, as she rode her black and chestnut mare toward me, passing over the bodies of the fallen. The rain had washed some of the mud and blood from her skin, but she was resplendent, a Goddess of War sent by Hachiman, the Fortune of Battle.
I forgot myself for a moment and smiled, as Yanai is most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She is not like the perfect flowers in the courts of the Empire, so delicate you must not touch them for fear of smearing their rouge or wrinkling their clothes. She is a naked blade, a razor sharp edge wet with blood. Someday, if my life is not required to defeat the Dark Oracle of Water and his vile allies, Yanai will be my wife.
We spent the rest of the day, and the evening together, but it was not enough time. We had ridden side by side for five days after leaving Journey’s End Keep, arguing tactics and battle for endless hours, but last night we spoke of lighter things: where to camp an army, ways to improve the morale of soldiers, how a commander should speak to those of equal rank, and how often it was appropriate to write letters to loved ones.
Yanai-san and I enjoyed a simple meal together with her entourage later that night. We were quieter than we had been in the camps on the road to Teika Pass. We all knew something was ending.
At the end of the evening, we agreed that soldiers who fought only for duty or their daimyo, were not as strong as those who fought for something more. Of course, all true samurai fight for glory and honor, but those who fight also for the promise of the future, the promise of love, and for their friends and family, they are the most dangerous opponents.
I did not want the night to end. Before we parted, long after midnight, I gave gifts to Yanai’s two stalwart yojimbo, and her body attendant. The three of them never left our presence in all the days we had been together, and for good reason, though I would never seek to have improper relations with Yanai. It is not common knowledge, but a Battle Maiden must protect her virtue at all times, as it is a great source of strength, and only maidens are permitted to ride the Utaku Battle Steeds.
Yanai is well taken care of and I wished to honor her three best companions. To the tall and imposing Utaku Yidisai, and the strong legged-Utaku Agtani, who some nights appears quite close to Utaku Chuoko, Yanai’s body attendant, I gave a slender tento knife of the highest quality. Small enough to hide under a pillow, but long and sharp enough to cut a man’s throat.
Her companions were quite touched by my thoughtfulness, and though it is hard to tell, I believe all three of them have come to appreciate my presence, and may even approve of my interest in their mistress.
To Yanai, I also gave a tento blade, and I have kept its twin. I had the knives made in the days before we left for Teiko Pass. The handles have the purple of the Unicorn Clan, interlaid with the gold of the Lion. Gold and purple truly are majestic colors.
On my knees, I presented Yanai with her gift. She accepted it, a very satisfied expression on her face, and ran her fingers over the handle before examining the blade. I knew I had chosen an appropriate gift.
“Yanai-san,” I said, “I have no doubt your companions will keep you safe, but please have this tento close at hand, as your protection is very important to me.”
She nodded and bowed to me.
“I then respectfully showed her the twin of her blade, which I had kept hidden.” Her bodyguards did not even flinch, as they were so comfortable with me in the presence of their mistress.
Emboldened by Yanai’s reaction, I looked her in the eyes, “These blades are an exact match, and I shall always keep this tento close. I will think of you when I put it under my pillow each night.”
Her eyes misted over as she knelt in front of me, eye to eye. For the first time in the mere two weeks I had known her, we touched. Her bodyguards did nothing to stop me as I pressed my lips pressed against Yanai’s.

Journal of Akodo Toranaka, Twentieth Entry
First Year of the Reign of Empress Hantei Yumi
Twenty-second Day of the Month of the Boar
Shiro Makoto, Crab Fortress in the Ivory Kingdoms

Today I bid farewell to Utaku Yanai and watched her ride away from me. I did not show my sadness, but there is a great emptiness within me. My duty is far from her side, but she will not be absent from my thoughts in the times ahead. She has other responsibilities, and led her cohort back toward Journey’s End Keep at the head of the Battle Maidens, with her hand on the tento she now keeps on her waist.
Once she was gone, my companions and I made the short ride from our camp at Teiko Pass to Shiro Makoto. The Crab Clan fortress is not much to look at, but it is worth noting that the Crab are building up their military strength, and a large store of supplies. War seems imminent, and as the Unicorn are their allies, I can only surmise the Spider Clan are their target. Daigotsu’s bastards are the only opponents close to Shiro Makoto, and though I hate to see war between any of the Great Clans, I believe the Spider must renounce their ties to the Lord of Jigoku who is their patron.
The ramshackle and stinking village outside this remote Crab fortress was the foulest place I ever set foot in. Sewage pools in the muddy streets, and I have already spoken with the engineer in charge construction. If something is not done, disease is likely to run rampant among the villagers and then spread to the warriors of the castle. I only set foot in this place because we took the boy, Sumaji to find his family, who we thought might live in the Ivendi section.
Shintaro has a way with peasants and was able to locate Sumaji’s family with relative ease. We found their tiny shack, and it was a poignant reunion as Sumaji’s mother hugged him close. She had apparently believed he was dead, and the little boy would have been killed for thievery had Subotai not taken him in. Ikoma Uso refrained from shedding a tear, as it is inappropriate, even for an Ikoma bard, to weep in the presence of such low born folk, but we all felt the relief and joy of these destitute and starving people. Shintaro’s servant, Yuki, did weep loudly, as she had become a foster mother to the little boy for the past two weeks and had grown fond of him.
Little Sumaji embraced his grandfather, Gopti, who apparently lay dying of old age and what I assume was starvation. His time in this world was coming to an end, but he was eternally grateful that we had brought his beloved grandson to see him before he passed. He was more than willing to tell us what he knew about our enemy, Doji Chonitsu. Gopti is considered a teacher and a wise man among the Ivendi, and they called him a Guru, a title of great respect.
Sumaji translated his grandfather’s words, with some help from Subotai, who is becoming proficient in the Ivendi language. We learned that Guru Gopti has the ability to see demons for what they truly are, even if they masquerade in the form of men. When he first saw “the man in blue” Doji Chonitsu, he saw him for what he really was, “a tiger who walks on two legs.” Gopti could not help himself and called out Chonitsu, rather than let him pretend to be a man. I believe Gopti, as his words echo those of Yogo Tanaka, who also believed Chonitsu might not be a man.
Guru Gopti said that the being who calls himself, Doji Chonitsu is an extremely powerful, shape-shifting demon, called a Rakhasha in the Ivendi language. The people of the Ivory Kingdoms believe the Rakhasha race were imprisoned thousands of years ago by Vishnu the Protector, but a few escaped his gaze and have been causing trouble in the world ever since. It is said that Vishnu and the rest of the Ivindi gods were destroyed by Kali-Ma the Destroyer, and the Rakhasha are trying to free themselves from their prison.
We also learned that the priests of Vishnu left behind artifacts of power, like the small ivory statue of the elephant-headed got we recovered in the Teika village, and Guru Gopti believes these could be destroyed to weaken the Rakhshasa prison. I believe that Chonitsu has been acquiring the artifacts to weaken the prison and free his demonic brethren. The gate to this otherworldly prison is supposed to be inside a secret temple, which is hidden beneath a huge waterfall, deep within the jungle. We have heard of this temple before, as it was the place where a certain dagger was found long ago. A dagger used to attack a person of much importance.
Gopti does not know where the temple is located, as it is only a whispered legend among his people. Other Gurus may know, but Kali-Ma nearly eradicated them in the past and few remain. The Destroyer Wars were an apocalypse to the people of the Ivory Kingdoms, and only a fraction of the people who once lived here yet survive. Our Rokugani peasants and our samurai are filling the empty lands of this place, but what evil are we awakening here?
Gopti’s words have made so many things clear to us now. The Dark Oracle of Water has been allying with different foreign powers to sow unrest and destroy the Emerald Empire. He is also in league with a gaijin tiger demon, a Rakhshasa who wants to free its demonic race from a dead god’s prison.
The warning of the old woman, the Ra’Shari soothsayer called Drinka seem clearer now, and I do not doubt the veracity of her words.
“I see the great tiger arise from the jungle, awoken by the man who would drown the world. Upon the tiger’s face is the visage of your folk, the folk of the yellow skin and slanted eyes. The tiger dreams of its kin, locked away at the dawning of time, locked away by one now dead. It dreams of the day when they shall spring forth to hunt once more, ravaging the world and drinking the blood of all men. Close, now, close is the day when the tigers will be free and the world shall become their hunting ground. The shadow of the tiger lies upon your spirits. Perhaps you are destined to stand against it, to hunt it in turn, or perhaps you are destined to be its prey. The signs are unclear. The signs are unclear.”
Her words are perfectly clear now. The man who wishes to drown the world is working to release the tiger demons. He met us when we rode into the village of Tsuma for the Topaz Championship. He gave us a warning and told us to “Fear the water.”
Why would a man of such power warn us then when we were not yet men? I believe he knew our fates and his were linked, and he wished to see us, and take our measure. I assume he did not kill us then because he believes we will advance his cause someday. Does he think we will help bring about the destruction of the Empire we have sworn to protect? Does he think we will accidentally help release the Rakhshasa demons? I can only guess, but our path ahead will be difficult to survive.
We shall need many friends, and though Guru Gopti will soon be dead, his family will not starve. My companions and I have given them many koku, which will feed them and many others for the months ahead. They will recruit other Ivendi, and we will have eyes across this vast land, searching for the hidden temple deep in the jungle, and watching for our enemies.
Much is uncertain, but I have no doubt that someday, these men: Moto Subotai, Yoritomo Oki, Tamori Isao, Ikoma Uso, Suzume Shintaro, and myself, Akodo Toranaka will find this temple. I fear we will go there as fools, and will risk opening the gate to the place where the Rakhshasa have been imprisoned. Or perhaps we will close it forever.
We will not wait for our enemies to strike again. The demon who wears the face of Doji Chonitsu has been marked, his evil nature revealed. Let there be no doubt, we are hunting him.

To be continued next week:


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