Understanding the U.S.Avengers picks

Marvel Comics is doing a promotion where they have assigned a super hero to each of the fifty states. As a professional creative type writer person, and as somebody who has visited most of the states, I was fascinated by their choices. It was almost like if it isn’t in New York or LA, it might as well be on the moon.

http://www.mdcu-comics.fr/upload/news/news_illustre_1479661988_210.jpg

I was a little bewildered at first, but luckily I was given access to Marvel’s internal memos detailing their creative process. Marvel’s secret internal communications are in italics.

Because I haven’t followed comics for a while, in order to understand some of this stuff I brought in special guest commentator, Correia 2.1, my teenage daughter who is a walking encyclopedia of all comic geek trivia. We went through the entire list together, and because of her unique insights I have tried to put down our conversations verbatim. Everything in Bold is an actual comment made by a 16 year old girl who is from the comic industry’s ideal target demographic.

Most of the state’s greatest avenging needs were suggested on Facebook by readers who live in those particular states, so we could get their unique resident insights.

 

 

 

Alabama – Avenged by Thor

Alabama is where all those racist redneck Trump voters live right? Give them Affirmative Action Thor. That’ll show them!

Wait. Thor’s a woman now?
It’s a long story, Dad. Marvel was trying to be shocking again.
Back in my day we just had Beta Ray Bill.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need: Thor must keep the peace between Alabama and Auburn fans.

Alaska – Avenged by Hellcat

Hey, we put a bunch of low level heroes in different lame red states during the Civil War plotline. We normally ignore those hicks, but which street wise New Yorker did we temporarily stick up in Moose Jaw?

On Jessica Jones, isn’t she a rich New York TV reporter?
Yep. That’s supposed to be Hellcat I think.
Oh, Alaskans are going to love her.
State’s Greatest Avenging Need: Hellcat will use her TV skills to provide voiceover work for the hit TV show Alaska Ice Road Bush Pilot Deadliest Crab Pawn Shop.
Arizona – Avenged by Nova

Arizona is one of those western states we know nothing about. It’s a desert. Use somebody with fire powers. Like Nova!
But Sir, Nova isn’t actually a fire themed character—
Shush! Are you trying to get us canned! Shut up and draw!

Isn’t Nova like an earthling drafted to be a Green Lantern style space cop, only without the magic ring?
Pretty much.
What’s that got to do with Arizona?
Run with it, Dad. We’re only in the As.

tigra

Arkansas – Avenged by Tigra

What’s big in Arkansas?
Tigers?
Sounds legit.

She looks like a stripper.
Bet you Bill Clinton puts the moves on her.
I’m too young to get your old people jokes, Dad.

California – Avenged by Ironman

 Sorry, sir, but Robert Downey Jr. said he’s not willing to commute. He’s staying in Malibu.
Well, that makes California easy!

I guess Ironman makes sense for California. Tony Stark has a mansion there.
Yeah, but he’s going to feel dumb when he finds out California gun laws ban everything on his suit.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need: Ironman will use his powers to help California’s state government install methane recording fart meters on cows.
hercules

Colorado – Avenged by Hercules

This legalized pot gives me the munchies. I sure could go for a gyro right now.
Wait… I know what to do for Colorado!

Colorado gets cold. He’s from Greece. He’ll probably want to buy a sweater.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need: The Greek demigod Hercules will use his mighty strength to help recently transplanted Californians find their nearest dispensary.

Connecticut – Avenged by Black Widow
Black Widow is all about espionage, guile, stealth, cunning… What state really sums up that vibe for you guys?
Uh… Connecticut?
Brilliant. Give that man a raise!

Delaware – Avenged by Captain America
I know he’s super popular and stuff, but America… Come on! What a tired idea that is! Stick Cap someplace super lame!

I thought Steve Rogers was from Brooklyn.
He is. This is proof Marvel works for Hydra.
They should have picked Joe Biden. He’s already like Delaware’s Batman.

 

Florida – Avenged by Ant Man
Florida is easy. We just use Florida Man.
I’m sorry, sir. We didn’t make him up.
Wait… Florida Man is REAL?

They should have used Swamp Thing.
They should have used Wendell the Manatee.
HOOOON!
State’s Greatest Avenging Need: I don’t know but I bet it involves cannibalism and bath salts.

Georgia – Avenged by US Agent
Let’s give those rednecks low rent Captain America. They’ll never notice the difference.

He’s the one that replaced Cap when the government got all authoritarian right?
Dad! You paid attention. I’m so proud of you!
A federal authority figure in Georgia… Yeah, Marvel sure got their finger on the pulse of American culture.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need: Working security at DragonCon.

Hawaii – Avenged by Havok
Hawaii! This one is easy!
Sorry, sir. Though we used him in Spiderman, we don’t actually own the rights to Barack Obama.
DAMN IT!

He’s going to get really hot wearing all black in the sun.
I think the Rock should have got Hawaii.
I don’t know if the Rock counts as a super hero.
Says you.

she-hulk

Idaho – Avenged by She Hulk
How many friggin’ Hulks do we have anyway? Use them all!

Man, I’d love to get avenged by She Hulk.
DAD! GROSS!
Don’t tell your mom I said that.

States Greatest Avenging Need: She Hulk will work with the agricultural extension office to prevent the scourge of potato blight.

Illinois – Avenged by Beast

Now I know this one is legit. Hank McCoy is hard core when it comes to Chicago style deep dish pizza.
You’re making that up.
No. It was totally in the X-Men.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need: realistically considering our crime rate they should have sent somebody more bulletproof.

Indiana – Avenged by Winter Soldier
Hollywood named a whole movie after him! We’ve got to stick him somewhere!

Shouldn’t Bucky be like in Alaska or something so he can fight Russians easier?
On the bright side, he’ll probably really enjoy GenCon.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need: Winter Soldier is going to finally live up to his name, and make sure the roads are properly plowed and salted after an overnight snowfall.

 

Iowa – Avenged by Hawkeye
We’ve got to use everybody in the movies! They’re the only thing keeping our lights on. The arrow dude. Stick him someplace where people use those arrow shooting things!
You mean bows, sir?
Yeah! Someplace where they shoot those skinny Bambi animals with them!

Strangely this one works.
Yeah, I can see movie Hawkeye, just kind of chilling on the porch with a beer, watching the wind rustle the corn, and then shooting at the raccoons getting in his trash.
Mom hates when you do that, you know.

Kansas – Avenged by Sentry
Kansas is easy. That’s where Superman landed. So we’ll just put Superman there.
Uh… Sir, we don’t own Superman. That’s the other guys.
Hmmm… No wonder his recent movies all suck ass. Very well. Use our version of Superman!
We will get right on it!

The Sentry is possibly one of the most powerful people in the Marvel universe.
Corn is very dangerous.
But they made him agoraphobic and afraid to leave his house.
Oh, then let’s put the guy afraid to go outside in a place that is entirely flat forever. Makes perfect sense.

Kentucky – Avenged by Cannonball

This one actually makes sense, Dad. Cannonball was a coal miner there.
I was hoping for Raylan Givens.
Okay. That would be cooler.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:  Cannonball can use his super powers to make sure we don’t’ run out of Mountain Dew.

Louisiana – Avenged by Spectrum

I have no idea who Spectrum is.
She’s from Louisiana.
What happened to Gambit?
I think he died.
What? I didn’t know that.
(said with a straight face) Channing Tatum killed him.
(blinks) We have raised you well.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:  air conditioner repair.

 

Maine – Avenged by Scarlet Witch

What’s in Maine?
Lobsters and… uh… Stephen King?
Better bring out the big guns then.

So the Sentry is in Kansas and the Scarlet Witch, who can literally change the whole universe with a thought, is in Maine.
I’m not thinking the Avengers are super good at risk assessment.
Maybe they should have Tony Stark build a super computer to predict that stuff.
Oh snap. She went there.

Maryland – Avenged by Sam Wilson: Captain America

Wait. Captain America is already in Delaware.
This is Sam Wilson’s Captain America.
But Sam Wilson is Falcon.
(sighs) They made him all social justice so that people would get mad and talk about Marvel on the internet.
I’m glad the movie versions don’t suck.
No kidding!

Massachusetts- Avenged by Captain Marvel
Wait. We’ve got two Captain Marvels, a Ms. Marvel, and a Marvel Boy… There had better be a Marvel Dog on my desk by morning!
Yes, sir!

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:  Punishing people who say Worchester instead of Wooster, or Harvard instead of Hah-vad. And something called “wicked pissor”.  And Townies. Whatever those are.  

Michigan – Avenged by the Thing

I don’t think the Thing would hang out in Detroit. He seems more like the kind of dude who would go up to the UP and spend all his time fishing.
State’s Greatest Avenging Need:  I suppose the Thing could Avenge the Lions inability to make it to the Super Bowl.

Minnesota – Avenged by Quake
Minnesota has earthquakes, right?
(Marvel staff shrugs)

Shouldn’t California have gotten Quake?
Probably. But Marvel is in the entertainment business. They love California. They aren’t going to give California some lame super hero nobody has ever heard of.

Mississippi – Avenged by Rogue
This one is pretty straight forward. Rogue is popular and from there.
Yeah, but we hate southerners. Shouldn’t we screw with them somehow?
Hmmm… My dislike of everyone different than me loses to my lack of creativity today.

Missouri – Avenged by The Wizzer
Missouri? Screw those guys. Missouri can go to hell and die.

In case you were ever wondering which state Marvel Comics staff hate the most, now you know.
What did Missouri ever do to them?

State’s Greatest Avenging Need: Missouri needs a low budget Flash with a stupid name for reasons.

 

Montana – Two Gun Kid
What’s in Montana?
I don’t know what’s in any of those fly over red states. I don’t think we’ve had anybody on staff who actually speaks hillbilly here at Marvel since we put in a Chuck Dixon proof fence.
Cowboys it is!

Two gun kid? Only having two guns in Montana puts this guy way below average.
I’m 16 and I own more than two guns. How many guns do you have, Dad?
Since this is going on the internet, I have zero guns. I lost all of them in a freak canoe accident.
Tragic.

Nebraska – Avenged by D-Man

Who the hell is D-Man?
I’ve got nothing.
Neither did Marvel.

Nevada – Avenged by Red Hulk
I know. Let’s put a Hulk in every state we’ve ever nuked or accidentally irradiated!
Good thing we’ve got so damned many Hulks!

Why did Hulk turn red?
He’s not Bruce Banner, Dad. Red Hulk is General Ross.
You’d think by now they’d have like a OHSA briefing about how not to get gamma irradiated.
(sighs)

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:  Making damned sure what happens in Vegas REALLY stays in Vegas.

New Hampshire – Avenged by Spiderman
I know, we’ve got this New Yorker who gets around by web slinging between tall buildings. Let’s put him in New Hampshire!
How’s that supposed to work?
Trees are like buildings! Shut up and draw!

What’s in New Hampshire?
It’s a magical land with a Dunkin Doughnuts on every corner.
That sounds nice.

New Jersey – Avenged by Ms. Marvel

I figured this title would be preachy and boring because it got a Hugo nom.
Ms. Marvel is actually pretty fun.
Okay. I’ll take your word for it. I’m still bummed New Jersey didn’t get Frank Castle.
That’s because you’d put the Punisher in every state if you could.
Damned right I would.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:  I’ve been to Trenton. Somebody needs to get avenged for that place, big time.

New Mexico – Avenged by Hulk

This one works. That’s where the gamma bomb tests were.
Oh, so New Mexico gets nuked and gets cool Hulk, Utah gets all the downwind cancerous fallout and we get lame rip off Hulk. Thanks a lot, Marvel.
No argument there.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:  HULK SMASH! HULK DISCOVER METH!

New York – Avenged by Luke Cage
This is the toughest one of all. We’ve got like 6,000 heroes living in the New York area. It’s amazing we’ve got any crime left.
We already sent Spidey to New Hampshire. Luke Cage has the most recent Netflix show. Let’s go with him.
But what about Daredevil?
Send him to Jersey. He can commute to work.
But you can’t make a blind man ride the ferry! Twitter will get mad and say we hate the handicapped!

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:  Ninja turtles in the sewers

North Carolina –Avenged by Namor
We’ve still got to use Namor. Let’s stick him in Utah.
(staffer checks map) Sorry, sir. All they’ve got is a big salty lake. No ocean.
Hmmmm… What have we got left with a coast line?

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:  Mighty Prince Namor will patrol the inter coastal water ways, preventing over fishing… Namor will probably really be in a really pissy mood over this crap assignment. Namor does not feel that his talents are appreciated.

 

North Dakota – Avenged by Machine Man
Nobody likes Machine Man, but nobody lives in North Dakota, so it’s a wash.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:  I sure hope Machine Man is good with tractors and oil rigs, because otherwise he is going to be super bored.

 

Ohio – Avenged by Black Knight

None shall pass.
Wrong Black Knight, Dad.
Tis but a flesh wound!
(sigh)
Come back! I’ll bite your legs off!

 

Oklahoma – Avenged by Thor
Shouldn’t we stick Thor in Minnesota where the Vikings are?
No. Too many earthquakes.

Wait… I thought Thor was already on this list once already.
That’s pandering Thor. This is movie Thor. Try to keep up, Dad.
Oh.

 

Oregon – Avenged by Sunspot
Portland is awesome. Those are our people. We need to give those hipsters and goony beard men somebody awesome to show we care! Something bold! Something unique!
(15 minutes later) what the shit is this?

Who is Sunspot?
Beats me.
What’s wrong with his head?  

Pennsylvania – Doctor Strange
Sir, the bribe money came in from Pennsylvania.
Excellent.

How the crap does Pennsylvania get amazing Benedict Cumberbatch and we get Amadeus friggin’ Cho?
I’m sensing some jealousy, dear.
Shut up, Dad!

Rhode Island – Iron Fist
Nothing says mystical kung-fu wanderer dragon puncher like Shangri-La.
We’re still on Rhode Island, sir.
Aw, close enough.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need: Ninjas. Rhode Island is lousy with ninjas.

South Carolina – Avenged by Marvel Boy

Who?
Captain Marvel’s son who he really regrets.
(squints suspiciously at daughter)

South Dakota – Avenged by Jack of Hearts
We just made this ridiculous looking one up right now. The geeks will pretend they know who he is, so regular people will never catch on.

Jack of Hearts? I loved when Bruce Campbell played him on the TV show.
That’s Jack of All Trades, Dad.
Well, who is this weirdo then?
Uh… He goes way back.
You’re the expert.

Tennessee – Avenged by Wasp
Come on guys. There’s got to be something in the south besides rednecks.
Humidity?
Can’t. We’re saving Swamp Butt to be the villain in a new story line revealing Captain America was really in Hydra all along.
Didn’t we just do that?
Yeah, but this time we’re going to really mean it.
Stinging insects?
Brilliant!

Texas – Avenged by Firebird
It’s the biggest red state of all. This alien reality confuses and frightens us.
I hear it’s really hot there. Just use one of our many fire people.

Why does Texas get a space alien?
You’re thinking of Starfire. She’s DC.
No. The Marvel one hung out with Spiderman on TV when I was a kid.
That’s Firestar.
That’s Sunfire.
No. He’s a boy. And he’s Japanese.
Frick. Whatever. Little Ms. I know all the fire people!

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:  Firebird punishes people who litter.


totall-awesome-hulk
Utah- avenged by Totally Awesome Hulk
Hey… Utah’s that weird state out in the desert, right? What’s their big thing?
Uh… Koreans?
RUN WITH THAT!

I got excited when I saw our home state got the Hulk.
Nope. Read it again. We get the Totally Awesome Hulk. Not the Incredible Hulk.
Cheap knock off Hulk? That’s bullshit.
Don’t cuss, young lady.
He has a flowhawk. Is he supposed to be a hair dresser?

State’s Greatest Avenging Need: Totally Awesome Hulk will find slow minivan drivers blocking the left lane and hurl them violently from the freeway. Okay, that would actually be Totally Awesome.

 

Vermont – Avenged by Irredeemable Ant-Man
This list has got two Thors, three Caps, half a dozen Hulks, and an Ant-Man of the week. Aren’t you worried fans are going to realize we’re just phoning it in?
Whenever sales drop we’ll just pull some dumb stunt, make some ridiculous change, and milk the publicity.
We’re so clever!

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:   Explaining basic economics to Bernie Sanders

Virginia – Avenged by Quicksilver

But isn’t Quicksilver from some made up eastern European country?
Sure, but they stuck his sister in Maine.
Touché.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:   Sticking a speedster in Beltway traffic is just cruel.

Washington – Avenged by Jocasta
Let’s get so obscure for Washington that even the dorks won’t know who we’re talking about!

Who is Jocasta?
Hmm… I think she’s this mutant that peels her skin off and underneath she’s like Colossus.
According to the internet she’s Ultron’s girlfriend.
Grrrrrrrr.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:   She’s here because Microsoft upgraded her operating system.

 

West Virginia – Avenged by Valkyrie
Anybody ever been to west Virginia?
(surveys room. No hands go up)
Well, you can never go wrong with Vikings.

Wisconsin – Avenged by Quasar
We’re at the end of the alphabet. What other obscure piece of crap do we own the IP for?

Now you’re just messing with me.
No, Dad. Quasar is actually a thing.
Quasar Avenger of Wisconsin, I think I heard somebody declare that was their name once on an episode of Cops while they were getting arrested.
I didn’t say he was a good thing.

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:   I have no clue who Quasar is. Is he a dairy farmer?

 

Wyoming – Red Wolf
For Wyoming, we’ll use Henry Standing Bear from Longmire.
Disney doesn’t own that, sir.
What?! We own everything else!

State’s Greatest Avenging Need:   Crack down on illegal Utahans crossing the border to buy good fireworks.

 

Canada – Avenged by Deadpool
Sorry, sir, but I don’t think Canada is a US state.
Shut up! Ryan Reynolds is hot right now.

This pick is totally not fair to Alpha Flight. Vindicator even wore a friggin’ Maple Leaf.
If they’re going to start using foreign countries, they should have given Deadpool Mexico instead. He loves Chimichungas.

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201 thoughts on “Understanding the U.S.Avengers picks”

  1. “Townies” are residents of Charlestown.

    “Wicked Pissah ” could be good as in : “The new MHI book is wicked pissah!”

    or sarcastic .

    1. And to follow up on that New England sentiment, this:

      ===

      What’s in New Hampshire?
      It’s a magical land with a Dunkin Doughnuts on every corner.

      ====

      is an abomination. It is ALWAYS spelled “Donuts” when preceded by “Dunkin’ “. Though, yes, they are on every corner.

  2. Idaho’s Greatest Avenging Need: She Hulk will work with the agricultural extension office to prevent the scourge of potato blight.

    Nope. Idaho’s Greatest Avenging Need: Restoration of “free taters for out-of-staters” at the Potato Museum.

    1. I can think of all kinds of things She-Hulk could do for Idaho, given that she’s a lawyer.
      How about: leading a campaign to annex eastern Washington and eastern Oregon so they can have proper representation in Congress, and so that the coasts can secede and join Canada where they belong….

      1. If she can get forest-lands out of federal hands and into state management, I’d be all for that.

  3. Totally Awesome Hulk will find slow minivan drivers blocking the left lane and hurl them violently from the freeway. Okay, that would actually be Totally Awesome.

    Yes. Yes it would.

    1. From what I hear, a lot of folks down there ditch the accent on purpose, because otherwise the Liberal Elites treat ’em like retards.

  4. Wait, there really is a “Totally Awesome Hulk?” Because that’s something I’d say, as someone who grew up in the 80s. Do people still talk that way, or is Marvel full of alte kakers?

    What’s next? “Totally Tubular Hulk?” “Gag me With a Spoon Hulk?” “Avocado Roll Hulk?”

    Hmmm. Avocado Roll Hulk……..

    1. In Utah there was a guy named Dell Schanze who loved that phrase, so he opened a computer store “Totally Awesome Computers” and he later branched out to “Totally Awesome Guns and Range.”

      He went to jail for some kind of fraud or something for a while and his computer business was bought by another local pc shop, and I have no idea what happened to his gun store. My ballot for governor of Utah included Dell Schanze on it this year…..

      When I saw that we had “Totally Awesome Hulk” for us, I thought it was somehow an advertising tie-in to him until I looked it up and found that it’s just another Hulk story done a little differently.

  5. You had best put the capital W on “West Virginia” or so help me I’ll sic the Mothman on you.

    Valkyrie’s cool though even if her placement here makes no sense whatsoever.

    1. I think the Mothman would have made a great comic book hero. Nobody knows if it’s a wild animal, mutated human, alien, or mystical being. It never speaks, it could just show up, scares the snot out of someone, and then they find out later that it had saved them from some tragedy.

      I could have been its nemesis. I set a trap for it in my front yard when I was seven. (We lived about 45 miles from Point Pleasant, where it was sighted.)

      1. I’m from Parkersburg originally, so I’ve heard every possible variation of the story. WV is crawling with cryptids and ghost stories, but Mothman’s always been my favorite too.

  6. “[Alabama]’s Greatest Avenging Need: Thor must keep the peace between Alabama and Auburn fans.”

    Err…I hate to be stereotypical, but last time I saw a woman sent to break up a fight between college football fans, her solution was to sit in her cop car and watch them whack each other and nearby cars with 2x4s until backup got there. If that really is Alabama’s greatest Avenging need, we’d better hope that AA Thor has Earl Harbinger on Speed Dial.

    (Speaking of which, I’ve got to admit that I’ve always wondered: which side of the Alabama/Auburn divide are the Shacklefords on?)

      1. Huh, I thought that was the sort of thing that caused confrontations ending with, “I have no daughter!”

        Still, I’ll be the fourth Saturday in November gets mighty interesting in Cazador. I may have to go write that fanfic…

  7. ALE 8, Larry… though Mountain Dew has it’s place. ALE 8 is a natural resource from Winchester County that needs to be protected in KY.

    1. And, just for geographical reference, since I’m sitting one county away, Cumberland, KY is one of the communities in Harlan County…
      …which means that if Raylan Givens existed in the Marvel Universe, he’d have to deal with the Guthrie clan of teenage mutants (several of his dozen or so siblings also have powers) on a regular basis. Especially dealing with their illegal underage card games and drinking (Cannonball and his sister Husk routinely beat the other X-Men at poker, after suckering them into games initially)

      And, even at the time the character was introduced, it had been a couple decades at least since the era when minors could be miners, so unless he was using fake ID to work (not impossible – my dad from the next county over did the same at age 13 in the early 50s, but instead of mining, he moved to Ohio and worked assembling washing machines until they found out his real age), he must have been a high school dropout that returned to HS to attend Xavier’s as an adult. Which, adds an interesting dynamic to dating at Xavier’s during the New Mutant era, since most of his classmates were 12-16 (and that’s not counting Magik’s special circumstances).

      Sunspot was his teammate – and that they are sticking a rich Brazilian into Portland Oregon is hilarious (unless they are somehow confusing the Cascade rain forest with the Amazon)….

  8. Washington: the only Jocasta I’ve ever heard of is the one who was Oedipus’s mother/wife. Just what precisely is Marvel trying to imply here?

      1. That goes WAY back….. Remember that in the COMICS, Ultron’s brain was patterned on a disturbed Dr. Henry Pym (the original Ant-Man), that progs these days go apeshit over because he SLAPPED HIS WIFE (Janet Van Dyne Pym, the Wasp) WHILE HE WAS HAVING A MENTAL BREAKDOWN (apparently, their excusing insane behavior stops when it’s a strong woman being hit by a bipolar man with MPD – and they consider a slap wife-beating).

        Because he had many of Pym’s impulses, Ultron had a thing for Mrs. Pym (his “Father’s” wife), and tried to kill him and take Janet, and eventually used Janet’s brain to pattern-imprint a mate – Jocasta, who quickly turned on him and joined the good guys.

        So, yes, there is a VERY Oedipal reason for the name….

    1. To hell with it. Unless her super power is making Californians go home, I don’t care what her name is. I want ‘Air-Launch-Cannon-Woman’ to send all the Californians, jackasses from the East Coast and anybody who drives like a dick back where they came from.

      Yes, native Washingtonians drive slow usually with our blinkers on and a seat belt hanging out the door, deal with it.

  9. Not to nit-pick, but I’m pretty sure it’s “OSHA”, not “OHSA”….and your daughter is HILARIOUS. That apple didn’t fall far from the tree…would that make her the “Apple Correia”…?

  10. My keyboard almost died a death by tea before I got smart and put the cup down.

    “State’s Greatest Avenging Need: Thor must keep the peace between Alabama and Auburn fans.”
    That will happen about the same time someone finds a way to get die hard Vol Fans and Tide Fans to get along, or Ohio State and U of Michigan .. .. .. like never? 😀 We like our rivalries.

    “Who is Sunspot?”
    Bobby Da Costa, originally of Brazil. Part of The New Mutants in the early / mid 80’s. Can’t say where he is now, quit reading comics in the early 90’s.

    “North Carolina –Avenged by Namor // Hawaii – Avenged by Havok”
    Really?! Namor in NC?!?! What maroon came up with that? Namor is way to cool for NC, he should be in Hawaii instead of Havok. Stick Scott’s baby brother in NC.

    1. Die hard Vols and Tide fans unite? Have a ‘Bama and Florida game. Vols fans will cheer ‘Bama over Florida. Seen it happen, too.

      1. *laugh* Good point. Most of the time I root for Tennessee and whoever is playing ‘Bama, expect for Florida. Then, and only then, will I root for the Tide. 😀

  11. Gotta make a Utah specific joke….. We got Totally Awesome Hulk. So that’s like, Superdell as the Hulk?

    (For those outside of Utah, Superdell is something of a local nutjob who likes to run for political office and get arrested for bizarre things like kicking an owl while hang-gliding, but 20 years ago ran a chain of stores “Totally Awesome Computers” and “Totally Awesome Guns”.)

    1. I think I just remembered the third store chain he opened! It was something like “Totally Awesome Skydiving” or something like that.

  12. Wonder who they’d have picked for Washington, D.C.. Any ideas? And if Texas can’t have a cowboy, why couldn’t they have picked a Hispanic super hero? Seriously, an Indian female super-hero?

    1. There is one for DC, and they went with the Vision. Kinda makes sense, considering he worked there for a time.

  13. I preferred Amadeus when he was his own unique hero, protecting orphaned coyotes and getting entangled in the plots of mad Greek deities to this current “Let’s pretend shock value equals quality” era at Marvel.

  14. As a resident of Oregon, a state kind of known for being rainy and overcast, I think it’s hilarious/idiotic that they gave us Sunspot.

    1. Yeah, Oregon is known for being rainy and overcast. That’s only because nobody outside the state knows about the Oregon High Desert. From your comment, I begin to suspect that nobody in the state knows about it, either.

      1. That’s because almost everybody lives in the rainy part. And whenever tourists visit, they visit the rainy part. I’ve been to eastern Oregon. There ain’t much there.

        1. That’s because we’d rather have it quiet and sane than live near Portlandia. We hide the pretty spots from the tourists. (We’re on the travel path for Burning Man. Only had one well-baked burner drive into the side of a motel this year. As best as I can tell, she thought she was flying home.)

        2. Yes, this. I was just in the eastern part for Thanksgiving, so yes, we’re fully aware it’s there and that it takes up most of the land mass of the state. My point stands. When trying to think of what’s representative of the state as a whole (such as with the underlying topic of this post), pointing out that not *all* of the state gets a lot of rain is like pointing out that not *all* of New York state is metropolis or that a lot of California is mountain/countryside. Technically true, but irrelevant.

        3. There’s that neat wild bird refuge that Pres. Roosevelt (the good one) founded. And a great technical school in Klamath Falls. Apparently the town is a nice place to raise a family. Just from what some Oregonians have told me…

        4. FWIW, I’ve visited Oregon several times, and found it absolutely beautiful. Also, full of wild blackberries. They are literally everywhere all over the place.

          It did rain once or twice, but the weather was sunny and mild most of the time.

          1. Yes, people here consider blackberries weeds and pay money to have them pulled out. I don’t think I’d do that if I had enough land to have blackberries on, but people who have them assure me that it’s not as fun to have free blackberries as it sounds. (Probably because blackberries are only there for a short time each year, but you have to deal with the thorny, pervasive blackberry bushes all the time.) I remember one time when I was a kid when the other side of the street was lined with blackberries for probably a good quarter mile straight, and we went out and picked them and ended up with a huge mixing bowl full. Years later, when I was living in LA and went to Whole Foods and saw a tiny little one-serving container of them for like $8, I just shook my head.

            K-Falls does have a great school (one of those very practical ones that will get you a job like Larry talks about), but it’s in the middle of nowhere and small enough that there’s not much to do, especially if you’re not into hunting. This also means few job opportunities. I have a coworker who used to live there (and she has a family, so even for raising a family there are downsides).

            We also have Crater Lake, which really is pretty cool and totally worth a visit if you’re in the area and like nature.

          2. There was a long highway leading to a cemetary when I lived in Tannenbusch, outside of Bonn, that had, off the side of the road, a single apple tree surrounded by a thick blackberry patch. (Thicket?) I used to go there during the berry season and eat the biggest, fattest, softest blackberries I’d ever had in my life. I discovered a little hollow that was large enough for me to crawl into and sit in, so I would go there with a book and sit and read with snacks fresh off the bush. I surprised an old German couple who were harvesting berries to make into wine.

            The one time I bought blackberries in a punnet, it was in 2014, and I was disappointed. Was not worth the AUD$8 I paid for it.

          3. You know the ‘I surprised an old German couple who…’ comes right before the ‘Read more’ deal. Having surprised ‘old German couples’ while working as a police officer, I’ll stop reading right here. I don’t need the scary imagery or PTSD coming back.

      2. I had a friend from eastern Oregon in the Cascade rain shadow. She got pretty annoyed every time someone asked her if she ever got tired of all the rain.

        1. That question would annoy me, too, but for a different reason. That is: no, I don’t get tired of it. *That’s why I live here.*

  15. Parenting win, flawless victory.

    This wouldn’t happen to be the same Correia 2.1 as Little Hida Face Wrecker, would she? Glad to see she’s keeping as awesome as ever!

  16. Say, I’m willing to substitute Earl Harbinger for Quasar in WI. Earl did some pretty good work in a Michigan town I hear. Maybe he can come clean up Milwaukee, and Madison? We got a ton of lib-zombie hybrids in those two cities that need some serious eradicating. We got snowcutter’s he can use and a few stout souls willing to mount up with him.

    1. Apparnetly, according to wikipedia, Quasar was born in Fond Du Lac. So there’s that.

      But I second Earl. Probably a Luska or two in the great lakes anyhow.

      1. If there are luskas in the Great Lakes, it’s probably hitched a ride up the St. Lawrence stuck to the bottom of a freighter. Danged invasive species.

        Do luskas eat zebra mussels? That’d earn them a PUFF exemption.

        1. That’s exactly how I was thinking we’d end up with them.

          Maybe they can do something about the carp population too, ship em around the state as pest control.

  17. I’m actually a little surprised that Oklahoma didn’t get someone more obscure. Maybe the deadlines saved us?

    1. Possible; I’m not gonna complain regardless of the reason. At least we didn’t get someone goofy like Totally Awesome Hulk…

    2. It’s appropriation. Oklahoma has a perfectly good historical legendry. It doesn’t need imports.

      It is all just an attempt to minimize America’s apparent diversity by presenting it through a lens sanitized to fit New York tastes.

  18. When i saw Deadpool got assigned as the Avenger to Canada, I totally cracked up a) because they were insane enough to let ‘ol Motormouth Wilson *into the Avengers & 2) that they felt Canada needed to get tucked in under the whole USAvengers blanket. After all, that’s what we have Alpha Flight for…

    1. I have some bad news for you… Alpha Flight got re-purposed in ‘All New All Different’ branding and turned into a low-orbit knockoff of S.W.O.R.D. Because reasons. Abigail Brand and Captain Marvel got shuffled over into it. Guess Marvel hates Canada as much as they hate the midwest.

    2. You missed the last big reboot of reality, which smashed all the alt-universes together then fixed at least one Earth. (I’m not up to that event either, trying to catch up.) However, not only did good ol’ Wade become Big Name Famous Hero (with the assorted merchandising bonus ), but he had enough cash to spend that he *bankrolled* the Avengers (or at least one team thereof), and kinda sorta defacto became the boss…

      That event is gonna drive me nuts, trying to remember which character’s been retconned back into existence. (Like, D-Man – last I saw he got killed, during Ed Brubaker’s Cap run.)

      1. Every time they reconfigure the Marvel universe or pull some big alive/dead/different-person stunt with a major character, I remember why I no longer bother with comics (for the most part).

    1. Logan got killed off a year or two ago. X-13 (i.e. his female clone, who appears to be a popular character in her own right) has the name and costume now. However, an alternate universe Logan (Old Man Logan) was imported in after the last big crossover event. No idea what Marvel will do with him long-term.

      1. Laura is X-23, unless something got changed in Marvel Smash Reality/Secret Wars/Battleworld/All-New Random Event Name Generator Now! or whatever the hell it was called.

        They’re not kicking Old Man Logan until the movie is out, though. The Jackmaniverse demands it.

        (Maybe he’ll be able to appear in Deadpool 2: RON PERLMAN FOR CABLE.)

        1. Right – X-23. Mistake on my part.

          And Lara is apparently the little girl in the upcoming movie. I suspect that her background will be slightly less screwed up than that of the comic book version.

    2. This would be a good place to add something slightly off-topic. My children were watching an episode of a certain cartoon (I can’t remember the name) in which Wolverine was recruited to become Captain Canada.

      I don’t know if they had a Captain Germany, but I would *really* have liked to see the Red Skull in that role. After all, he got to be the way he was in a similar way that Captain American was became who he was!

      I could imagine an alert “Hey, it looks like Hydra is invading New Hampshire”, and everyone scrambling except for Captain Germany. “Sorry, guys, I have to sit this one out. Conflict of Interest, and all that…”

  19. Am I the only one who read. “…pander Thor…” as Panda Thor?

    There needs to be a Panda Thor comic ASAP!

    1. I’m pretty sure there was a Frog Thor once. Maybe they’ll get around to Panda Thor eventually. It would be adorable.

      1. Frog Thor, both Thor as a frog and an independent character (alt universe?), exists.

        Even better, find the panels of Loki “as Thor with the head of a cat.”

  20. Folks, you’ll be happy to know that ASK KUNTZMAN is weighing in on the OSU non-shooting. https://twitter.com/GershKuntzman

    As to the topic at hand, any state that gets the Wasp I’m totally mentally moving to. Had the hots for Janet Van Dyne ever since John Buscema drew her PLUS she got the crap beat out of Hank Pym by Captain America in two different universes!

    Oh, wait, this IS Janet Van Dyne Wasp and not the lame-o sort-of stepdaughter Wasp she suddenly has, right?

    1. You know what? Here in Tennessee we don’t need no Wasp to avenge us. We’ve got Alvin York, after all. Ain’t no superhero gonna beat him. And David (he hated the name “Davy”) Crockett. And young Sam Houston. Nah, silly folks in tights don’t do much for us outside the circus.

      1. Thank you for “David Crockett”; I’ve long ago become tired of hearing “Davy” all the time.
        I’ve never even heard of Wasp, but then, I haven’t read a comic book since about 1976. Even then, I preferred things like “Weird War Tales”, anyway.
        I reckon we should just be happy they apparently don’t have a character called “Possum Man”, or some such. Worse yet, “Repeatedly Elected by the Liberal Cities Man”, known in regular life as Bob Porker.
        Maybe they have one called “Fan Fair Attendee Woman”? Her power is creating firestorms from her Spandex thighs rubbing together….

        1. Wasp is one of the founding members of The Avengers, and probably served with the team uninterrupted up through the late ’80s (when she was actually the team leader). AFAIK, she’s never had her own series. But she’s one of the core members of The Avengers. She also runs a successful business as a fashion designer, which has the side benefit of providing a reason why she has a new costume every couple of years.

          She appeared briefly in a flashback in the Ant-Man movie, and her daughter Hope (who afaik has never appeared in the comic books) will be appearing as Wasp in the Ant-Man sequel.

          1. Hope is from the comics, but she comes from the defunct alternate reality line MC2. On a parallel Earth running around 15-20 years “ahead” of the main Marvel one, she’s the offspring of Hank and Janet. Though unlike her MCU counterpart, there she’s sort of evil, though it’s implied it might be more mental issues than willful malice.

  21. There’s a lot of authors writing comics these days. Larry probably wouldn’t get to work at the Big Two, because they’re leftists . I’m sure that even if they haven’t heard of Larry before, Kurt Busiek, comic SJW and Vile 770 regular would rat him out and there would the requisite rending of clothes and gnashing of teeth at Bleeding Cool and The Mary Sue as they bewail the evil white male/Trump-voter takeover of comics. And even if they did, they’d probably saddle him with heavy-handed editorial mandates and force him to tie into the Infinite Crossover of the moment.

    On the bright side, I’m sure there’s an indie comics publisher who would give a NYT Bestseller like Larry a chance to do what he does best.

    1. I remember back in the day, I used to love Cerebus the Aardvark. A great sendup of pretty much every DC/Marvel comic of the day. Dave Sim got a little strange toward the end, but all in all it was worth reading.

      1. A “little” strange? He believes that at some point in pre-history that the Judeo-Christian God (actually a demon named “YWH”) murdered the “real” God and has been fooling everyone ever since. <_<

    2. Kurt’s part of that crowd? 🙁

      Man, I’m so disappointed. I love Astro City and The Autumnlands.

      1. Yeah, tell me about it. But he’s a regular there, and he kicks Puppies with the worst of them.

        1. The vast majority of writers and illustrators working in super-hero comics are leftwing in their politics. Have been for as long as I’ve followed them, starting -way- back in 1979. But back when I first followed Kurt’s stuff back in the 90s, he was one of the few capable of writing characters who didn’t share his beliefs who were still depicted as good and honorable people. (Kind of like the depiction of Michael Carpenter in the Dresden Files. You can tell Harry isn’t down with Christianity, but he respects and loves Michael’s devotion to its ideals.)

          I’m very sad to learn that hasn’t translated into real life respect.

    3. I had a week at Comic Book Boot Camp this past summer. (Young relative draws, The Phantom was dragooned into chauffeur duty)The instructor was a guy about my age who had Seen It All. He was -disgusted- with today’s Marvel and DC, to put it bluntly.

      Myself being a former comic book fan, it was very interesting to hear his take on the whole thing. This was a guy who probably votes NDP as well, making it even more interesting.

      I dropped out of comics in 1993, roughly the time that he said Something Happened at the Big Two. Near bankruptcy, lots of infighting, lots of stupid people making stupid decisions. They chose the easy way out, re-boot everything, wipe away the cannon, start again in their own image.

      So today we get a new re-boot every three years or so. Superman has died six times or something, got married five times, renounced his citizenship, has done everything except cheat on Lois Lane with Jimmy Olson. They’re probably saving that one for a rainy day. Peter Parker has died twelve times and been replaced by Gwen Stacy, a Spanish kid, a clone, a robot, his daughter and who the hell knows what else.

      I, a -dedicated- fan, have bought none of them. Because they’re not comics. They’re propaganda for the enemy.

      1. “Peter Parker has died twelve times and been replaced by Gwen Stacy, a Spanish kid, a clone, a robot, his daughter and who the hell knows what else.”

        Actually, the daughter thing was something else. Back when Peter and MJ were still married, and back before Norman Osborn came back from the dead, MJ was pregnant. During the event when Marvel brought back Norman Osborn, MJ delivered the baby, and then Norman had it swapped out at the hospital for a stillborn infant and taken to parts unknown. And then Marvel quite literally dropped the plot line, and now steadfastly ignores any references to the kid.

        I suspect that it was early interference by Joe Quesada of the sort that would lead to his “Let’s have Peter and MJ make a deal with Mephisto that gets rid of their marriage!!1!” stupidity.

        In any event, in an alternate universe, the woman that the baby was delivered to ended up bringing the baby back after a short bit. And May “May Day” Parker grew up thinking she was a normal girl… right up until her Spider-Powers started to manifest in High School. She became Spider-Girl (Peter was long retired), and had a very successful comic book run that survived several attempts by Marvel to kill it.

          1. This was Osborn’s first return from the dead. Right after he killed Gwen Stacey, he accidentally impaled himself on his glider, which killed him. And he stayed dead for decades until they brought him back in the ’90s. The kidnapped baby was right before the big reveal that he was back, iirc.

            As for Spider-Girl, the series was actually quite good. Keep in mind that Marvel management *wanted* to kill it, but the purchase numbers stayed high enough that they had to keep the series running anyway. So people apparently liked it. And since it wasn’t part of the main Marvel universe, it had no impact on the “real” Spider-Man.

          2. Why do I have the impression that a *lot* of decisions made at Marvel, the TV Networks, and movie studios go along the line of asking “Is it successful?” and if the answer is “Why, yes it is!” the reflexive response is “Then let’s cancel it!”?

  22. Florida – Ant Man

    Totally makes sense. Have you seen the fire ants, roaches, and other vermin of Florida! Ant-Man would be a billionaire if he could persuade vermin to move away from a specific Florida locale.

    1. We do have to be careful, though. We don’t want them to move into Washington, DC. They might end up joining forces with the fire ants, roaches, and other vermin that happen to live there…

  23. Wow my comic geekery is really rusty. There were a bunch of those I hadn’t heard of . . . although to be fair I haven’t been paying a lot of attention to comics for years what with all the creeping SJWism and all.

    But seriously, “Wizzer?”

    As long as they’re going to saddle us Missourians with Marvel’s Lamest Superhero®, might I recommend stationing him/her/xir in Columbia? Because my alma mater – that would be the University of Missouri – has so thoroughly beclowned itself with social-justice nonsense that most alumni, myself included, wouldn’t so much as piss on the campus if you were to set it on fire. So Mizzou is gonna need all the help it can get.

    😛

    1. I’ll just note here that “Wizzer” was the nickname given to Byron R. White back when he played college football. He went on to play for the Pittsburgh Pirates for three years before heading off to serve in the Navy during World War 2. After the war, he went into law, and eventually ended up in his best known position – US Supreme Court Justice. And based on the biography that I’ve read about him, a fairly decent justice as well.

      So while the hero himself might be little know, the name’s got a nice pedigree attached to it.

  24. What I want to know — serious question, BTW — is why “The Avengers” rather than, say, “The Defenders” or “The Protectors”? I mean, in the 2012 movie (the first that I, a non-comic-book-geek, had really heard of them), they were trying to prevent New York City from being destroyed by the alien invasion, right? As opposed to coming in after the destruction and swearing, “By Grabthar’s Hammer*, you shall be avenged.” The name “Avengers” doesn’t really seem to match what they actually do. So why that name?

    * Okay, okay, substitute “Mjölnir” if you want to be a Pedant Who Doesn’t Like Fun. 😉

    1. Yeah, the movie had that whole speech from Tony Stark about how “if we can’t protect the Earth, you can be damn sure we’ll avenge it!” that seemed to be trying to justify the name, but of course they DO protect the Earth, so no avenging occurs. I guess the “Make sure there’s no need for any avenging”ers didn’t focus group as well.

    2. Marvel has had a Defenders team at various points. It always gets folded.

      Apparently the current plan is that the Netflix Marvel characters will eventually form the latest team to use the name.

  25. We’ve literally been known as “the wolverine state” since 1835… So naturally you send us the Thing.

    Whut?

  26. I only had to look up Marvel Boy……I regret that now. And technically if you include Louisiana you have 4 “marvels” on the list…..Marvel comics reuses names a LOT don’t they?

  27. So, Delaware gets the version of Captain America who is currently an actual Nazi? I wonder what Delaware did to deserve *that*?

      1. “Nazi Captain America is literally–and I mean literally ladies and gentlemen, not figuratively–literally the worst thing that has ever happened to comics.”

        1. Nazi Captain America is an appropriate conclusion to the mess they started when they rebooted him to create the Avengers.

      2. When Obama finally leaves office the Red Skull rips off the Biden mask and reveals it was him all along.

  28. “It was almost like if it isn’t in New York or LA, it might as well be on the moon.”
    ———————–

    Actually, Los Angeles might as well be on the moon too. You see, Marvel doesn’t really do anything with the second most populous city in the country. They did base the West Coast Avengers there back during the late ’80s and early ’90s, and there might have been some other short-run series that briefly took place in Los Angeles. But by and large these days when Marvel says “California”, what they actually mean is the Bay Area. IIRC, the X-Men moved there for a bit not too long ago. And the US Avengers Iron Man cover that features California is due to his move to, you guessed it, San Francisco.

    1. “Probably. But Marvel is in the entertainment business. They love California. They aren’t going to give California some lame super hero nobody has ever heard of.”

      I’ll just note here that the Skye/Daisy character on Agents of Shield is Quake. I don’t know how much they’ve called her by that name, though.

        1. Last I heard they were adding Ghost Rider to this season. But since I haven’t watched it lately, I suppose it’s possible that the show’s really no longer airing, and they’re just making announcements about it for the heck of it. 😛

        2. Yep. Still on. The Ghost Rider was added, and they managed to make it… not suck! It is actually kinda reasonable, once you get around the fact that the writers have clearly never met anyone who was in the military.

          Not as good as Agent Carter, sadly, but still entirely watchable.

  29. ” I don’t know but I bet it involves cannibalism and bath salts.” I don’t get it. As a native can someone help me out.

    1. So were many of the defenders of the Alamo and other heroes of the Texas Revolution and Republic. *shrugs* Hispanic’s fine, so long as they’re Texan and American first.

      1. We could get the Rawhide Kid out of the baths and bring him to the 21st century to round up Austin.

    2. I know a lot of people don’t like illegal immigrants coming here, but I don’t mind the ones who come here to work and build a new life, and who love American and the freedoms that we are *supposed* to have.

      It is the illegal immigrants, legal immigrants, and even native born citizens that come here expecting government welfare that disturb me. I’m particularly annoyed and disturbed by the US-government-sponsored billboards in Mexico encouraging people to immigrate here for the purpose of getting welfare benefits!

  30. Being an old comic book geek (my first actual job, way back in the 80s, was working in a comic book store), I did recognize some of the more obscure ones (Jocasta, Jack of Hearts, Wizzer). I’ve been reading through these alternating between laughing my ass off and being reminded why I quit reading Marvel years ago. The cinematic universe, though, has definitely been a breath of fresh air in that regard.

    1. like me some Wizzer, always pictured him standing in an alley up against a wall doing, well you know…

  31. I am not a big comics fan, so I don’t recognize most of these superheroes… But now I’m curious: does there exist a superhero (doesn’t have to be Marvel) who exemplifies conservative values ? I’d say that The Punisher probably fits the bill, but I could be wrong…

    FWIW though, I’ve watched the Jessica Jones series on Netflix, and I did enjoy it. I haven’t read the comics, so I have no idea if the series is faithful to the source material or not. Still, from my liberal elitist coastal degenerate perspective, it was nice to see a show whose protagonist struggles against herself as much as against external threats — as opposed to, say, watching a character who just kicks ass all the time.

    1. Honestly, pretty much all of them it depends who’s writing them. There’s often very little consistency between different writers’ takes on the same character, and more than once there have been petty little slapfights where characters have been whipsaw retconned all over the place. Picture fanfickers in full-blown Ship-to-Ship Combat, only with the prize being the imprimatur of canon.

      There were a few characters back in the day who had what might be termed conservative values (Steve Rogers, Kurt Wagner, and Sam Guthrie are the ones who come to mind in Marvel), but they’ve probably been turned into socjus sockpuppets by now. DC’s Vic Sage, in the Cowen/ONeil era, was a grimdark zen libertarian. Then the animated series turned him into a whackadoodle conspiracy theorist (hilariously deadpan snarky, to be sure, but still a very different character).

      1. Picture fanfickers in full-blown Ship-to-Ship Combat, only with the prize being the imprimatur of canon.

        *Shudder*

        Anyway, I don’t know much about Nightcrawler (other than he’s probably the second most polite X-Man, right after Beast), and I know nothing about Cannonball. I only know The Question from the JLA cartoon, and IMO you’re doing him a bit of a disservice. Yes, he’s a conspiracy nut, but the cartoon makes it clear that most of his nuttery is a front, designed to make people underestimate him. While other heroes spend their time kicking ass, he sits there patiently researching the exact name, location, known associates, and organizational structure of the people who are responsible for all that ass to begin with. That’s pretty admirable, IMO.

        1. You might be right about cartoon Sage. I freely admit I never got much into that series, just watched some clips of him in it on youtube when I was writing him up to play in an online DC rpg (I like to do him as a blend of O’Neil’s version and the animated one). The conspiracy nuts I know in rl are all middling-intellect losers trying to pump their self esteem up with the belief that they have some Secret Truth that makes them special, so I found that aspect of his portrayal pretty off-putting.

          If you like Jessica Jones, though, there’s a good chance you’ll like the O’Neil Question. He’s not as damaged as she is — that or he’s further along the path to getting himself sorted out — but he’s definitely got internal struggles going on.

        2. The guy who created The Question also created Mr. A.

          I’m not persuaded that Objectivism counts as conservative.

          That said, one could question whether my own beliefs are a sound basis for defining conservatism.

          1. From an early age I developed this notion that liberalism was for State control, and conservatism was for freedom; thus, the more libertarian you are, the more conservative you are.

            Thus, it was a bit of dissonance when I learned that programmer Eric S Raymond said that he was neither Liberal nor Conservative, because he was anarcho-capitalist — basically, the only law he recognizes is that which is agreed upon between two people, their lawyers, and the arbiter that the two mutually agree to — and I considered that to be the most Conservative position of all.

            I’ve since decided that conservatism ought to have a moral component, too, even if it’s not enforced by government (hence, I consider myself a Conservative Libertarian), but I’ve also noticed that the United States in particular has this Libertarian streak that makes this country *very* unusual among the rest of the world. (In the rest of the world, “Left vs Right” is merely a debate about what you are going to call your Oppressors; while there’s a strong element of that in American politics, there’s a heavy dose of “But I want to be free!” in both Left and Right politics, with the balance greater for the Right side, which makes discussion of this “spectrum” even more confusing for both us and for the world…)

            Ok, I rambled for a bit…but in any case, it’s funny to see liberty and even conservatism occasionally leak through characters that are written by SJWs…and the SJWs rarely see through the disconnect…

            (Libertarian anthems like “Firefly” are particularly good examples of the phenomenon.)

          2. My favorite leftist disconnect is their failure to grasp that the whole mutant/superhuman registration thing is far more analogous to gun control than any shoehorned-in anti-LGBTWTFBBQ sentiment. In the MCU rpg I run, we’re headed toward a Civil War plotline and Forge (who’s anti-reg) has already explicitly made that point.

          3. This can be seen in the first X-Men movie, where the pro-registry Senator (I can’t remember his name) is talking on the phone to a constituent, saying “Well, you support gun registration, right? How is mutant registration any different?”

            The impression given is that *everyone* would support a gun registration, but mutant registration obviously shouldn’t be done for…reasons, I guess…

            It doesn’t occur to the writers that there would be people who would vehemently opposed to gun registration for the exact same reasons we are *supposed* to dislike mutant registration…

          4. Personally, I think that both Communists and AnCaps have the same problem. Their utopian societies would totally work, and would be absolutely wonderful… if the Earth was a different place, populated by different beings other than the humans who are living here, on the actual Earth. Sadly, that’s not gonna happen.

            Meanwhile, both the liberals and the conservatives have a strong authoritarian streak. They both want to heavily control people’s behaviours and even thoughts in the name of morality; they only disagree on what counts as “moral”: good old-fashioned Biblical values vs. political correctness.

            That has been my perception, anyway.

          5. I can’t argue against the observation that both libertarians and conservatives have authoritarian streaks. But I *will* challenge the notion that Communists and AnCaps have the same problem.

            With Communism, it’s been tried at least a dozen times, and it’s clear that it *always* causes blood and tears to flow. It doesn’t help that Communists demand revolution, and that revolution always demands blood.

            I’m really only aware of maybe about two AnCap civilizations — Medieval Iceland and *possibly maybe* Anglo-Saxon England. So far, they have proven to be fairly stable systems, although there are legitimate questions about how well they can scale. There’s another major difference from Communism, though: if we wanted to attempt AnCap society here on Earth, we *really* don’t need a violent revolution: we just need to convince the locals to replace, however gradually we wish to do it, government institutions with private ones, with the caveat that if it doesn’t work out, we can return to the old way of doing things. Alternatively, we can even go so far as to just ignore government to the greatest extent possible, and go off and do our own things…

          6. Ok, that’s a good point — on a small enough scale, both of these Utopian societies work quite well. For example, self-sufficient communes have been tried several time in history, and they really do work… until they start to grow, at which point they all fall apart.

            The problem with Communists (by which I mean, true believers in Communism, as opposed to some callous dictator like Kim Jon Un) is that they believe that, deep down inside, people are perfectly altruistic. It is the evil oppressors — in this case, capitalist exploitators — who are forcing people to behave aggressively. Remove the oppressors, boom, perfect society.

            The problem with AnCaps (at least, the ones I’ve talked to; you may be different) is that they believe… well… pretty much the same thing, with a few variations. Instead of perfect altruism, they believe in perfect rationality, which ends up being very similar to Communistic altruism in the long term. And, instead of evil capitalists, the oppressors are the soulless minions of the Government. Remove the oppressors… boom, perfect society.

            The problem with both of these philosophies is that humans are neither perfectly altruistic, nor perfectly rational. In addition, neither Capitalists nor the Government are some sort of robotic alien invaders; they’re just people, like everyone else. And they organize into hierarchies, just like you and me.

            If you somehow removed all government and replaced it with private institutions, most people would no longer have to pay taxes (since there’s no one to pay taxes to). Instead, they’d pay an annual fee to their local road maintenance company, security company, national defence fund, etc. After a few conflicts (bloody ones, in the case of security companies), these organizations would merge together into a monopoly, with perhaps a single annual feel, for your convenience. This fee wouldn’t be called a “tax”, but you’d still have to pay it.

          7. Communism is perhaps more properly the union of a) year zero revisionism b) French revolution nostalgia c) Byzantine intrigue culture d) Christian heresy of socialism as reformed by Marx e) technocracy that was created in the USSR.

            Working examples of socialism mostly predate Marx’s reformation.

            Modern ‘decent’ socialists and communists are outer sect disciples repeating catechism. Those like Blokhin are (high ranking) inner sect disciples, and the Kim dynasty are core disciples. Jong-Un is master of a splinter sect, and a true communist.

          8. It would seem to me, though, that the biggest a “communist” state can get is about the size of a small town, whereas the AnCap seemed to work for well enough for an entire nation for about 400 years.

            I also have the impression than AnCap society would work best on a smallish scale — probably about the size of a city.

            And perhaps the best thing about AnCap is that it’s the end result of minimizing government, taken to its extreme. In the past few decades in America, we’ve been going the opposite direction, hurting both prosperity and freedom; and it’s not clear at all how such encroachments have made life better.

          9. Government is lethal force and naturally arises from anarchy, excepting only a set of individuals so severely autistic that they cannot survive. Near enough to others to benefit from contact is near enough for them to use force on you.

            A Republic is a means to tie an agreement to a balance of force. Constraining the individual in exchange for some degree of restraining others from killing that individual.

            Religions influence whether or not an individual considers such agreement fair, and acceptable to adhere to. Or whether they extend protections of the agreement to those not party to it.

    2. The Steve Rogers written in WWII did things to agents of hostile foreign powers that Marvel now would not defend doing to current hostile foreign powers. During the sixties they retconned matters, which let them ignore the issue.

      The super hero genre came out of vigilante crime fiction. Vigilantism has dubious consistency with conservative values. The status quo agreement is that we settle those disputes via courts. At what point does corruption void the social contract? At what point is extra-legal violence less harmful? Now is not the history then, and the comics industry is inbred.

    3. DC had a couple, so they passed them over to some gay Brits at Vertigo to fix. Problem solved.

    1. Is it sad that when I heard about that on the radio I immediately thought of Wendell? I think I am on here too often.

  32. “State’s Greatest Avenging Need: Thor must keep the peace between Alabama and Auburn fans.”

    Sadly, Larry, that’s NOT a joke. I grew up in AL. My dad, after working for a major insurer for 32 years, went to work for the Alabama Department of Workman’s Comp for another 15. (He’s 85 and still going.)

    EVERY FREAKING YEAR, the Workman’s Comp department would get a call from several Auburn / Alabama fans who would continue the rivalry at work the following Monday, get injured and / or fired, and call up wanting to know if they could get workman’s comp as a injury on the job site…..

    The last one he personally handled, it was the fan’s wife; she had to make the call because hubby was in the hospital with his jaw wired shut after being laid out with a crowbar.

    Thor would long for the days he was back in Valhalla wrangling Einherjar.

    1. And don’t forget the nutcase that poisoned the trees at Auburn or the other nutcase that set them on fire just recently.

      There are reasons beyond that I wish I had the power to eliminate high school and college football programs from the face of the Earth.

      1. High school and college football programs are one reason why Republicans won’t zero out education budgets, even when the administrators are suppressing speech and supporting child molestation.

        1. And Common Core math appears to manage to be negative mathematical education. At least for critical early portions.

  33. Louisiana – Avenged by Spectrum

    I have no idea who Spectrum is.
    She’s from Louisiana.
    What happened to Gambit?
    I think he died.
    What? I didn’t know that.
    (said with a straight face) Channing Tatum killed him.
    (blinks) We have raised you well.

    I giggled through all of it then completely lost it here. Indeed 2.0 is raised well. Very well indeed.

  34. I would fucking *love* to have Raylan Givens as an Avenger.

    You could just go up to the man in a bar, play pool with him and drink bourbon, bitch about women and how our dad’s are assholes.

  35. So the state with arguably the fewest sunny days gets Sunspot? Isn’t his power to absorb solar energy? Maybe he only stays west of the Cascades.

  36. Awesome commentary all around. Also what in the world were they doing with some of that placement? I mean really? I want to see one of these next giving each state, and Canada, a main super villain, just for kicks and giggles.

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