ASK KUNTZMAN!

ASK KUNTZMAN!

After the wildly successful feature where ace reporter Gersh Kuntzman gave us the straight scoop on what it is like to shoot the terrifying AR-15 “Black Mamba Star Killer Base” rifle, we here at the New York Daily News are happy to present our new feature ASK KUNTZMAN!

Join us as Gersh Kuntzman gives valuable life advice. Send us your questions, from lifestyle choices to product reviews, and together we may peer deep into his earth mother like wisdom. From his lilac scented crying pillow to you, rejoice as Gersh Kuntzman let’s you know what’s really going on in the world.

 

Kunzman

 

Dear Kuntzman, big fan. I am trying to go green in order to save the Earth. Dying polar bears make me sad. Should I buy a Toyota Prius?

– Carbon Neutral in Carson City

Dear Carbon, I drove a Prius once and it changed me forever. As soon as I climbed inside the minimalist brutalist interior of this carbon fiber Japanese death machine it was as if I was driving a monster truck. I pushed start. The engine was a throaty roar like a thousand nuclear jet bombers. I immediately soiled my trousers to prevent this beast of the land of hentai from raping me. Tentacles are NOT OKAY. In my haste to escape, I touched a lever, and the windshield wipers began beating like a reaper’s sickle threshing horror. Trying to reach the escape handle, I struck a phallus-like pole, and lights began to blink. Blink. Blink. A light. A terrible, red, light! BLINK BLINK! Shrieking and flailing, I clutched desperately at the door, and tumbled, helpless, into the street. In the cold New York City rain, I lay there helpless and soiled in the gutter. The terrifying Prius looming over me, asserting its alpha dominance, and I crawled away. Forever.

 Also, you may want to check out the new Nissan Leaf.

Dear Gersh,

Recently, and totally against my wishes, my wife “adopted” a kitten. I don’t have much experience with wild animals like this, and it’s truly upset the peace in our household. I’m afraid to leave the bedroom, and dash madly through the house to get to the front door to avoid the thing. I swear it must have four or five razor sharp claws on each foot! And the teeth!! Don’t get me started on the teeth!
How can I tell my obviously crazy wife how dangerous to our safety it is having a wild animal (and I recently learned PREDATORY CARNIVORE!) in our home? Or at the very least, can you please advise me, as I understand you’re a particularly capable man, on how to protect myself from this potential killer beast?

Thank you for your help,
Cowering in Concord

Dear Cowering, I am not familiar with non-vegan animal-kin, so to understand your plight I went to a horrible slave den known colloquially on the streets as “PetCo”. Whilst inside I approached a slavering brute of a man whose golden vaguely phallic shaped nametag read only “Chris” and I demanded to see one of these “kittens”. With a bazooka like explosion of PTSD “Chris” opened a cage with bars sufficient to tame a wild Alabama republican and removed a hideous creature which my sensible landlord would never allow in my upper east side rent controlled loft. Thrashing and hissing madly it tore at me with its tiny adorable claws. My eyes streaming with tears from fear and perhaps allergies, I immediately soiled myself so it would not rape me. When “Chris” asked me what was wrong I screamed for him to quit triggering me, and I fled, quivering. Disoriented by the hum of the fluorescent lights, I was unable to escape “PetCo” and I climbed upon a carpeted scratchy post to safety, where I hissed at everyone who came near—even like unto a fearsome kitten—until the NYPD removed me from the store and “Chris”—short I wonder for Christians who killed millions in the Crusades—informed me I was never allowed to return. Good. I wouldn’t anyway!

To bring such madness into your home? Leave the bitch. LEAVE HER I SAY!

Mr. Kuntzman, a recently penned op-ed indicated that a man cannot be a man without a melon baller. Could you please give us your thoughts on the best features for a baller, and perhaps some advice on how to avoid a traumatic balling?

Signed – Melon Balls to the Wall

Dear Balls

You speak of the infamous Modern Man article written by my rival Brian Lombardi and published in our rival paper the New York Times! http://monsterhunternation.com/2015/10/02/fisking-the-new-york-times-modern-man/ They’re always trying out Modern Man us, but Brian is such a bitch! I am half the man he is and I’ll prove it!

Previous to answering this question I did not own a Melon Baller, because unlike warmonger Brian Lombardi, I don’t need phallic symbols to compensate for all those times everyone laughed at my sad genitals in gym class. I DON’T WANT TO CLIMB THE ROPE AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME ANYMORE COACH CHANG!

So I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond, and whilst there fell upon the melon baller aisle. I procured with a bit of my inheritance a melon baller of medium proportions and sleek, deadly contours, like a jaguar or a kitten, and a rubberized handle to protect my pink, delicate palms from the harsh Newtonian resistance of even the most hardened of cantaloupe.

And then, with tears in my eyes, and my underpants already pre-soiled to prevent fruit rape, because I loved my readers, I balled fruit. The gleaming stainless carbon steel bit into the delicate flesh like a steam shovel ripping through Mother Earth. One ball… Two balls… I can barely see through my tears. My landlord is pounding on the door begging me to keep the screams down so he can watch the Bachelor, but the screams must come out, because fruit, fruit is dying, dying like my hopes and dreams. Three balls. I scream louder. A cleansing scream. Four balls. And then spent, I rest the dying melon against my breast and whisper that it will be okay. But from how hard my heart is pounding, the melon knows that is a lie.

Black rubberized handle medium melon baller, $4.99 at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Four Stars.

Mr Kuntzman my 10 year old daughter shoots her AR-15 often and she has never shown signs of PTSD so I am assuming she is doing it wrong. Could you look at her picture below and please let us know what she is doing wrong? Is her wrist not limp enough? signed frustrated father

Little girl

Dear Frustrated, the answer is simple. Your daughter does not have what it takes to be a reporter for a big New York City paper.

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103 thoughts on “ASK KUNTZMAN!”

  1. “I approached a slavering brute of a man whose golden vaguely phallic shaped nametag read only “Chris” ”

    (whistles innocently)

  2. Larry,
    If you want to e-publish a compendium of several hundred pages’ length, I will gladly skip a lunch or two and forward you the filthy lucre thereby saved.
    MORE, writer! MORE!

  3. Hey, come on, everybody has to learn about recoil bruising your shoulder, if only so they can hear the standard “why do you think that they put this on here” speech about the butt plate.

    Of course, the right time to learn it is pretty much at ten years old.

    1. In Army boot camp on the 1st day we actually got to shoot our M-16’s they picked out the smallest guy there and they fired the rifle from various (rather sensitive in some cases) parts of his body. At no time was any part of his body bruised. I know the AR-15 is NOT an M-16 but it’s close enough I’d be amazed that anybody would get bruised firing it.

      As hilarious as all this is I also realized that by our mockery we’ve actually made him stronger. (Well, increased his standing with the people in his ‘tribe’. I’m pretty sure he could dose steroids like Arnold in the 60’s and still be a wimp).. The people in his tribe have the same sorry and sad understanding of what it is to be man that he does. These are not the men of ‘honor, duty, and integrity’ or even the men of ‘women and children first’. These are small, selfish, cowardly, and dishonest beings who are more than happy to sick the biggest bully they know on everybody who even dares show them how pathetic they are.

      1. I thought the same thing, you’re getting bruised shooting a .223? I’d like him to join me at the range next time I take my Model 700 in .300WM. See, Mr. Kuntzman, it isn’t a scary looking black gun, it is a very pretty one with a walnut stock and it’s not one of those evil semi-automatics, but a nice old fashioned bolt action. Surely that means you’ll find it much quieter and with less recoil, right?

        1. Mosin-Nagant. Steel Buttplate. Not good for comfort, only for crushing fascist skulls. I was laughing from the moment I read about bruises and terrifying ARs.

          You want an assault rifle? MINE ASSAULTED EVERYTHING FROM STALINGRAD TO BERLIN. I also have an AR, because they’re light, compact, accurate, and handy.

          1. The 7.62x54R is no joke. And it has outlasted the Russian Empire, the Soviet Union, and I’d lay even odds it will outlast the Russian Federation too.

            “Obsolete” is mostly a matter of style with firearms. Some people call the .45 ACP obsolete while extolling the “modern” 9mm Parabellum, which predates it by several years…

          2. Well, it’s cheap, plentiful, so damn simple and rugged it makes a Kalashnikov look complex and finicky, and will hold a group to the limit of your ability to aim it. I was making 3-4″ groups at 100 yards with my old stock, unmodified, fresh from Ivan’s shipping crate ’32 Tula earlier this week. The only drawback is the recoil, which isn’t helped by the rifle’s short length of pull and steel buttplate.

          3. Modern Barnaul or Silver Bear 54R is loaded hotter than 7.62×51 NATO, which accounts for the “authoritative” recoil.

            I only have one Mosin. Well, I only bought one that I can remember; I have no idea where the other three came from. They’re like cockroaches that overrun your gun safe, and then you find them hiding in closets, under the bed, behind the couch…

          4. If you have a pregnant one, you can ship it to me C/O my local FFL. We’ll find homes for the little bugs.

        2. We can warm him up on the .300 Win and move him on to my 1895 Marlin in 45-70 with a couple of .405 gr Buffalo Bores. Tell him to hold it loosely so the recoil won’t knock him backward…
          Or a couple of rounds out of the .338 Weatherby. I’ll even take the scary muzzle brake off for him.

  4. Dear Kuntzman,

    My father-in-law will be visiting for the upcoming holiday on Sunday. He is an uncouth, misogynistic, mouth breather who likes working on cars, fishing, and the touch of a woman. The man has procreated more than once! Do you have any advice on how to survive the three hour ordeal? Christmas nearly killed me.

    Sincerely,
    Terrified in Toronto

    1. Dear Terrified,

      I’ve checked my dictionary several times, and it seems to imply that, in order to have a father-in-law, you would have to have to have attracted the attentions of someone romantically interested enough in you to marry you. How did you accomplish this? Do you have any tips for me?

  5. Twisting the knife with “whilst” is a nice touch. Truly, there are few other words that scream “pretentious snot” as much as that does.

      1. I dunno, I damn near got snot on my keyboard from laughing. Don’t think it was pretentious snot though.

    1. Wait… that wasn’t something Larry just made up for laughs??? Oh, hell, it wasn’t.

  6. I think I shot one of those at a “ladies’ day” shooting at a range. Someone had a pink and black one and let me try it. I was surprised at how very little recoil it had. Pretty fun, actually. I didn’t shoot much, unfortunately, as I was using someone else’s ammo and that stuff’s gotta be expensive.

    From my experience and from reading that quote at the top, these are absolutely accurate in terms of equal exaggeration.

    1. Went to Warriors Day at Quantico ( basically when the parents visit their little children’s day camp of death) when my son was at IOC. Wife shot the M-16 and the dummy M-40. After close inspection later that night, could not find a bruise on her…

  7. Dear Mr. Kuntzman,

    I have witnessed an eight year old boy shoot a bolt action .300 Winchester Magnum, from a bipod. He laughed. In fairness, the rifle did have a very nice muzzle brake.

    I have witnessed an eight year old girl shoot an AR-15 similar to the one you mentioned. I witnessed the same little girl rip through half a magazine of 5.7mm in an FN P90 at age 10. In both cases, there was giggling. And fairly decent marksmanship.

    Congratulations, you have achieved the ultimate. You are half the man an eight year old girl is.

  8. My wife was laughing so hard she hurt her sides and tears were rolling down her face as I read her the melon baller question.

    She’s now considering it an ab workout because shes sore now.

    Good job, Larry.

  9. Dear Cuntsman,
    Since you are now declaring that scary black semiautomatic rifles are Weapons of Mass Destruction, will you now admit that Bush didn’t lie, and that Saddam really did have lots of WMD?

  10. Dear Mr Kuntzman,

    I have been asked to hang a picture frame. I am not precisely sure how to proceed.

    I have heard that the process involves using a “hammer” and “pounding” a phallic nail into a wall. But the obvious sexual imagery has me doubting this can be right.

    I have soiled myself in order to avoid any rape that could occur but beyond that I am at a loss.

    Please help.

  11. I should find this excuse of a man’s blubbering over firing an over-glorified varmint cartridge to be amusing, but honestly it just makes me sad. The bar is no set so low for men these days you’d need a metal detector just to find out where it is. But that’s alright I suppose. Although I disagree with many of the theories of Darwin, it’s impossible to deny the law that only the fittest survive. Sissies like this are gonna get eaten alive when the going gets rough!

  12. Dear Mr. Kuntzman,

    When will we see your eagerly awaited adventure/travel book “Journey to the Savage Darkness Outside Manhattan” published?

    1. “The clawing wilderness sunlight tore at my defenseless eyes as my Prius reluctantly exited the Holland Tunnel…”

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  14. Wait a minute: Gersh Kuntzman is this guy’s real name, the one that his parents gave him? And he goes by it? Willingly?

    Dude, that is messed up. At first I thought it was a parody name that Larry made up.

  15. Dear Mr. Kuntzman:

    Finally someone who understands the traumatizing effects of these patriarchal tools of oppression! I’m facing similar issues; perhaps you have some advice for me.

    As you no doubt know, at one point the TSA deemed nail clippers a potential terrorist weapon. While they have since backed off on this, and now allow nail clippers as long as they don’t have a military-style bayonet device attached, I for one believe that this was solely due to pressure from the NRA and Big Clipper. I prefer to take no chances when it comes to tools of violence. Accordingly, I stopped cutting my toenails some years ago (I tried the same with my fingernails for a while, but that made it hard to post to Twitter). All went well until they got so long that it became difficult to put on my shoes. “What’s the problem there?”, you’re probably asking. After all, shoes are a symbolic prison for the feet, whose covert semiotics reify western capitalism and neoliberal economic enslavement. I couldn’t agree more, so I switched to Birkenstock-style sandals made by a local feminist collective out of a vegan leather substitute. No corporations, no animal murder, and my toenails have plenty of room to run wild and free.

    All well and good, except that I am continually being microaggressed against. I like to put my feet on the table in restaurants and chant “I’m here, I have six-inch toenails, and I’m proud!”. When I do this, I get many hurtful comments from other restaurant customers and even the restaurant staff. I have even been forced to leave on several occasions. Unfortunately our society does not yet recognize People of Long Toenailhood as a protected class. It is so unfair.

    I have considered simply painting my toenails and claiming to be transgendered. This would bring me under the aegis of a protected class, and would also potentially give me a source of lawsuit income, which I desperately need. I have a Patreon link on my Tumblr, but thus far it has produced very little revenue (I have had a few offers to donate if I STOP posting daily pictures of my feet, but that would be selling out, or so I see it).

    My question is this:

    Would painting my toenails be considered unacceptable cultural appropriation of the tropes of a different oppressed class (I’m actually furrysexual, not transgendered)? I think it would be okay, given that it would just be an oppressed person doing what he must in order to “pass” in a bigoted society, but I would really like some third-party confirmation on this before proceeding.

    Also, what shade of pink would you recommend?

  16. This Made My Week! lol

    I saw Kuntzman’s article pop up on my facebook feed earlier this week and I honestly couldn’t believe anyone could be that much of a powderpuffed pile of pansieness!

    I’d love to put this guy behind the stock of a big bore double rifle just to see what would happen. If it didn’t break him in half, it would probably at least render him permanently catatonic. So… Win – Win. 🙂

    1. I’ve got a 1886 in .45-90 set up for nitro loads he could try. I’ll even install the factory stock with crescent butt plate. It’s not quite as big a round as most doubles (you can basically use it anywhere you’d use 450/400 Nitro 3 1/4″) but with that damn factory buttplate it’s pointy on the back end. I’d love to meet the man who though that was a good – or even acceptable – idea.

      1. Have you seen wossname’s test of a piece of 2″ bulletproof glass at Box of Truth? The Sharps in .45-70-500 was victorious.

        “And here’s the back, where the bullet came out.

        As far as we can tell, it is still on its way to Mexico, mad as a yellow jacket.”

        http://www.theboxotruth.com/the-box-o-truth-48-laminated-bullet-proof-glass-rifles/

        Granted various lesser cartridges had gnawed on the piece for a while before he unlimbered the Antique Iron, but still interesting.

        1. It’d be interesting to see if my stopping load for the .45-90 would go through on the first shot. It’s a 405gr brass flat nose punch bullet going at about 2120 give or take. That’s not much faster than what he did with the 400 grainer, but I’m thinking the super-rigid punch bullet with those sharp corners would fare much better than that squishy hollow point or the relatively slow 510gr.

          I know for a fact you can brain elephants from the front with them, and I’m not aware of any hunting shot that requires more penetration than that.

  17. And it looks like Kuntzman now tries to be treated with even more contempt. Regarding the alligators getting killed in Florida as they were looking for the child’s remains: “We’re better than this, people. If you love nature, you have to love it when it does something natural.”

    1. Nature then naturally assaults every New York Times owned building, capturing high value employees, and executing others on site. After collecting intel, nature then destroys everything and withdraws. Naturally, surviving employees are executed after they are no longer of value. The New York Times naturally comes into balance with the environment; bankrupt, silent, out of print and out of business.

    2. Hmmm. Perhaps ol’ Gersh should be introduced to nature himself. I’m thinking, dropped off on some Applachian mountaintop with the clothes on his back and a sheath knife (if he’s willing to touch it). Let him know that his ride back to NYC is at the bus station in the nearest town. See you later after you’ve communed with nature for a while, Gersh.

      1. A map, a compass, and a canteen, plus the Canadian wilderness. If your gonna do it, do it right….

      2. You’re in the Appalachians. Keep going east, you’ll hit a highway or salt water eventually.

        1. assumes one can tell east from say north, south or west…even with the big shiny ball in the sky as a hack

    3. Then we should shut down the sewage system in whatever city he lives in and allow him to revel in the wondrous beauties of cholera and typhus.

    4. I love when people who live in the most artificial, far removed from nature city ever go on about what is and is not natural.

    5. One might hope that he has an up-close-and-personal encounter with nature being natural, and see if he changes his tune.

  18. Oh my god, I haven’t laughed so hard since…..well, since last night when I was reading the 2,000 comments left for Kuntzman. This is excellent!

  19. I think I hurt myself. That has to be your funniest ever. Honestly, I’ll never be able to look at a melon-baller again with a straight face. But at least now- after being introduced to Mr. Kuntzman- we know what pajama-boy’s father looks like.

  20. Dear Mr. kuntzman,
    How does it feel to be the biggest pussy in the United States? How does it feel to know little girls are tougher than you are? How would you like to actually learn how to shoot a gun appropriately instead of being a big CUNT? You can ha e you’re opinions that’s no problem. To sit there and criticize gun owners because you don’t know how to do things that a normal man would know, is the problem.

  21. “The smell of sulfur…” That explains all the trauma. He was firing the BLACK POWDER version of the AR-15. I’ve heard that those can be really brutal. Hey, let’s all cut the guy some slack. ()

  22. That was truly hilarious.
    Oh NYC Libtard Regressives. One moment the AR is too easy to shoot, The next it’s too difficult. The world is a scary place. Oh but Islam and their hatred of all non-Muslims is like totally cool and should be embraced. Cuz diversity and stuff.

  23. Can we get Gertz Kuntzman eaten in Sharknado 4 because he drops his AR-15? There’s still time for a cameo!

    1. Nyet, tovarish. Give him hammer of Stalingrad… Give him rifle that assaulted everything between Moscow and Berlin. Mosin-Nagant! It is true rifle of proletariat! Cost few rubles to own and shoot! Is good for killing nazis!

  24. Dear Kunty,

    How does it feel to be so weak and inferior that you bruise like a masturbating hemophiliac using the Kung-fu grip?

  25. Dear Kuntzman,

    I have been asked to fire a rifle called a “Daisy BB rifle ” I don’t know what to expect. Is even safe to be in the same room with.

  26. Oh dear. I really thought Gersh Kuntzman was a made up character intended for satirical purposes. Then I Googled him. Oh dear, oh dear . . .

    1. Guess I will do it too find out more about him. O wow…. Just by going by the article’s name he sounds like a wimp. And the quote with his image is real. I was hoping it was a joke but then again I once saw a video of a someone crying after shooting a gun so… ya.

      At this point I am praying that the rest of the quotes are satire, but at this point I can not be certain.

      Hmm odd, no comment section, just links to twitter and facebook. I am sure it is a glitch, and not evidence that the entirety of the news organization he works for are wimps.

  27. Larry, this is the best fisking I’ve seen yet. Seriously, the spoofery of his style is brilliant. His writing is to journalism what Jim Carrey’s acting is to cinema, and you nailed it. He will feel as if he has experienced hentai tentacle-rape of the spirit if/when he catches wind of this, as he deserves!

  28. “very very loud”? No doubt he also considers suppressors to be evil tools of criminal evil.

    1. Let’s find him something in a Magnum caliber with a muzzle brake…

      Even with plugs and muffs, sometimes you feel like Wile E. Coyote after shooting something like that.

  29. Kuntzman recently saw a snail on a turtle’s back. He called animal control to break up the vicious fight between the two wild and dangerous beasts. Afterwards he made a dinner of weak tea and potato soup, but with his nerves from witnessing the vicious beast brawl he couldn’t eat too much of these spicy foods.

  30. “Ask Kuntzman” needs to be a regular piece. Can we email in questions to “ask Kuntzman”?

    1. It is hard to out do a tactical tampon holster. I must salute our friends from Texas.

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