‘tis the season, for Noun!
For those of you just tuning in for our 8th annual Christmas celebration, inspired by other bestselling Christmas novels about Jars, Sweaters, Boxes, Letters, and other assorted nouns, I decided to cash in too, and thus began the biggest, loudest, bestsellingest Christmas tie in book series ever. It is tradition that every December I release excerpts from this magnificent saga.
Here are our previous years of badly written Christmas adventure:
THE CHRISTMAS NOUN http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2008/12/22/the-christmas-noun/ Excerpts from my first epic Christmas novel, only with more Cthulu, zombies, and chainsaws. Young Tim overcomes his hatred of Christmas to defeat the anti-Claus in the Peppermint Thunderdome.
THE CHRISTMAS NOUN 2: THE NOUNENING http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2009/12/08/the-christmas-noun-2-the-nounening/ The much anticipated sequel to the greatest Christmas story featuring a noun ever. In this episode, Tim fights Stabby the Snowman and uses the Global Warming Power of Love.
THE CHRISTMAS NOUN 3D: THE GRITTY REBOOT http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2010/12/10/the-christmas-noun-3d-the-gritty-reboot/ Christmas goes hard core as Rudolf leads the Reindeer Separatists in a jihad against Christmas.
THE CHRISTMAS NOUN 4: OCCUPY CHRISTMAS NOUNhttp://monsterhunternation.com/2011/12/19/christmas-noun-4-occupy-christmas-noun/ Tim and his adult son Tim Jr. have to save Christmas from being occupied by the 99%.
THE CHRISTMAS NOUN 5: FIFTY SHADES OF NOUN, CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE EDITION http://monsterhunternation.com/2012/12/13/chirstmas-noun-5-fifty-shades-of-noun-choose-your-own-adventure-edition/ Okay, that title pretty much explains this one.
THE CHRISTMAS NOUN 6: YES, WENDELL, THERE REALLY IS A CHRISTMAS NOUN http://monsterhunternation.com/2013/12/23/christmas-noun-6-yes-wendell-there-really-is-a-christmas-noun/ Tim and Wendell the Manatee travel through time to save Christmas from a legion of footy pajama wearing hipster douchebags.
THE CHRISTMAS NOUN 7: ATTACK OF THE SOCIAL JUSTICE NOUN http://monsterhunternation.com/2014/12/18/christmas-noun-7-attack-of-the-social-justice-noun/ Tim has to protect the mall from the reality distorting powers of the nefarious Social Justice Noun.
This year you are in for a special treat, with another behind the scenes DVD Bonus Feature: The Making of Christmas Noun 8
CorreiaTech Headquarters, Yard Moose Mountain, Utah
“It’s mid-December and I haven’t even started planning this year’s Christmas Noun,” D List Author Larry Correia told the other science fiction and fantasy authors sitting around the big table in his office. Have you ever seen Castle, where Nathan Fillion plays poker with a bunch of famous mystery and thriller authors? It was just like that, but nerdier.
“Seriously, Correia? The party is about to enter the Fortress of Despair. Can’t we just focus on the game for once?” Chuck Gannon, who was Dungeon Master, complained. “And where did Ringo go?”
“Taking a smoke break… But come on guys, I’ve been doing this for eight years now. I need ideas.”
“Just add a dog,” #1 bestselling author Jim Butcher suggested. “People love dogs.”
“Brilliant!” Larry Correia glanced over at CorreiatTech CFO, Wendell the Manatee, who was floating peacefully in his giant fish tank, eating a barrel of Cheetos. “Make a note. Add a dog. And this time, don’t have a werewolf eat it.”
“Fleeeerp.” Wendell responded. “Mehwoo?”
“Because Peter Orullian couldn’t make it, you’re filling in for him, the party needs a healer, so the new guy has to play the Cleric.”
“Foooooooooooo,” Wendell grumbled, as he glanced down at the water logged character sheet in his flippers. Wendell was more of a jock than a nerd, but he’d gotten roped into this dork fest somehow.
“Okay, so the party enters the Fortress. It is a place of gloom and oppressive darkness. Spider webs cling to your face. To the left is a massive door.”
“I check the door carefully for traps and—”
“Damn it, Wendell! Wait for us!”
“The manatee cleric bashes in the door! On the other side there’s a hideous ogre looming over you! Roll initiative!”
“Wait… I don’t remember. Which dice do I use to roll initiative?” Brad Torgersen asked because he was the one dude at the table who could never remember how any of the rules worked. The rest of the group sighed. Even the manatee understood the rules better already, and he couldn’t even roll his dice because they were all floating at the top of his tank.
“Okay, okay, the dog is marketing gold and all, but I kind of need like a plot and stuff for this year’s Christmas Noun.” Larry said as he rolled his dice. “Eight… If I don’t harness the power of the Christmas Noun, then the spirit of Christmas, and the very fabric of space and time, will be in danger. And my fans will be pissed, and you’ve seen them. Those guys are way scary.”
“It’s always about you, isn’t it?” Chuck Gannon muttered. “I wrote Traveler you know. I do all this thankless game prep, and then you’re the one always interrupting game night asking for advice on how to help the Yard Moose Mountain Police solve crimes.”
“Hey, it’s not my fault the YMMPD needs my keen novelist’s brain to solve baffling mysteries, like the case of the missing cow, or which teenager spray painted graffiti on farmer Jenkins’ tractor.” Okay, so maybe Castle was a little cooler.
“Let’s see. You’ve written militant reindeer, evil snowmen, Obamacare, the Social Justice Noun, and the cast of the View. You’re going to need some really powerful bad guy to up the stakes this year,” Brad suggested. “The way I see it you need somebody super evil. Like rock the pillars of creation, mega-bad.”
“Hmmmm…” Correia stroked his magnificent murder hobo beard thoughtfully. The clever science fiction author was onto something.
“Nobody cares. Stick in some Christmas Draculas. Let’s get back to the game.” The DM looked around the table at everyone’s initiative scores. “You’re facing the terrifying ogre. It looks like Butcher is first.”
“You guys should be used to that by now… You know, because of our relative sales rankings.”
“Quit rubbing it in,” Correia said.
“Maybe if you spent more time writing and less time painting all these little metal dudes you wouldn’t have writers block,” Butcher said as he gestured toward all of the finely painted 28mm miniatures on the table between the pizza boxes serving as the Fortress of Despair. “And then Christmas wouldn’t be in danger.”
“I will not be Nerd Shamed by a LARPer, Butcher! This means war.”
“Oh yeah? My wizard uses Tweetomancy against Correia’s dumb barbarian.”
“My barbarian attacks his wizard with my +5 Tetsubo of Fisking!” Correia pounded the table for emphasis, which spilled his Coke Zero all over Chuck Gannon’s pristine limited edition rulebooks.
“Okay, that’s it. I’m sick of you guys’ crap!” The Dungeon Master shouted. “It’s on now! Out of nowhere randomly Cthulhu shows up. That’s right! And Cthulhu is wearing power armor! Prepare to die.”
The party groaned. Now they had done it.
“’Sup, nerds,” John Ringo said as he came back into the room. He adjusted his kilt and sat down. “Sorry my fine Cuban cigar lit by hundred dollar bills break took so long, but I got spun up and wrote another bestselling novel during it. What did I miss? Hey, who ate all the Cheetos?”
“Cthulhu showed up because Correia pissed off the DM again.”
“I have an eighteen in charisma. I try to seduce Cthulhu!” Brad exclaimed, because every game night has that guy.
But it didn’t matter how bad the party was about to get slaughtered, because Larry Correia had been given an idea for this year’s Christmas Noun. Torgersen was right. It was time to bring in the scariest, meanest, most incomprehensibly evil villain the universe had ever seen…
And now excerpts from our feature presentation:
CHRISTMAS NOUN 8: TOO NOUN MOST ADJECTIVE
Written by Larry Correia. Directed by Justin Lin. Soundtrack by Wu Tang Clan.
Opening narration by Ron Perlman
This again? Man, is it December already? Let me guess, blah, blah, blah, tortured metaphors about pending darkness. Hmmm… Hang on. Wow. This intro is actually really well written. In fact, it’s mind blowing. Correia really stepped up his game this year. (clears throat)
Seven years have passed since Tim took up the mantle of Christmas Warrior. Utilizing the power of the Christmas Noun he has—
Then the little crippled orphan girl found her teddy bear and—
–by the global warming power of love.
Stop recording. I’m a pro’s pro, but I’m having a hard time speaking, I’m just so choked up right now. That was beautiful. Man, that intro blurb was nuanced and heart wrenching. It punched me right in the feels. It’s like I appreciate the true meaning of Christmas again. (Ron Perlman sheds a single manly tear)
Because Christmas… Christmas never changes.
From Chapter 1
Tim had taken the day off from Christmas warrioring to stand in line for the midnight showing of the new Star Wars movie.
“I’m so excited,” Sally Love-Interest told Tim. “Do you think Bilbo will be able to beat Lord Voldemort this time?”
Tim sighed. “Sure, babe. That sounds great.” Because the part of Sally is played by a super-hot young actress, she was really rocking the Princess Leia gold bikini that Tim had gotten for her.
Suddenly there was a flash of light, and several of the waiting moviegoers were knocked aside as Wendell’s fish tank teleported into the mall. Normally Tim would have been glad to see his time-travelling, dimension-hopping manatee sidekick appear, but Wendell’s sudden arrival worried him.
“Look, I told Santa months ago that I needed tonight off. I know Christmas Warrior is a salary position, but this is getting ridiculous. It’s Star Wars premier night!”
“I’m not wearing a bathrobe. This is my Jedi cosplay.” But Wendell was obviously confused by the strange customs of this dimension—Wendell’s home reality was way more into Firefly than Star Wars, what with their five seasons of the show, a trilogy of hit movies, and the resulting Libertarian Space Cowboy Revolution that had gotten Adam Baldwin elected president instead of Barack Obama—so Tim got down to business. “So what now? More lame Christmas Draculas?”
Wendell shook his ponderous bulk in the negative. The manatee quickly info-dumped that he suspected the author was going to do what long running franchises inevitably did, and bring in even meaner and scarier bad guys. Plus, since Wendell was a Harvard MBA, he pointed out that this year’s Christmas Noun had a huge special effects budget to blow through, and they’d brought in the director from the Fast & Furious, so Tim had better be ready for anything. Laws of physics be damned.
“Got it. Thanks for the heads up, buddy.”
But then some of the Star Wars fans waiting in line noticed the giant aquatic mammal. “Nice Jabba cosplay.”
“Easy there, Wendell. He didn’t mean anything by it. Don’t let your fiery Florida man temper get the better of you. Don’t forget that court mandated community service is how you ended up being the Ghost of Christmas Future-Past to begin with.”
“Huh? I thought that was Chris Matthews,” said another fan dressed as a Jawa.
Then Wendell lost it, went over the top of his tank, and flipper slapped the Jawa, because manatees have feelings too.
From Chapter 2
Still a little dejected that security had ejected him from the mall for fighting, Tim returned home to his Black Tiger Kung Fu Dojo and Mall Santa Prep Academy for Inner City Youths. He’d tried to restrain Wendell from assaulting that Jawa, but manatees were surprisingly slippery. Now Wendell was in jail, Tim was banned from the theater, and Sally was going to watch the movie without him, so he’d have to do his best to avoid inadvertent spoilers. This was shaping up to be the worst Christmas ever.
Okay, to be fair the one where he had to massacre all those Pajama Boys because of the Affordable Christmas Act was way worse. Never mind.
But Tim remembered the Retired Ghost of Christmas-Future Past’s warning about a new looming threat to Christmas, so he got on Google and searched for super evil villains so he’d know what to expect. Tim was figuring horrible monsters or terrorists or Joy Behar, but instead he discovered that the number one most nefarious villain on the internet was a mysterious being known as Straw Larry.
Someone truly that evil had to be on the Naughty List, so Tim called Santa.
“Ho Ho Hello, Tim. How was Star Wars?”
“I didn’t get to see it yet.”
“Oh, you’ll love the scene where they reveal Kylo Ren is Jar Jar—”
“SPOILERS SANTA! SPOILERS!”
“Yes, of course. How naughty of me. What can I do for you, Tim?”
“I’m doing research on a potential threat, maybe even worse than the Grinch or Stabby. What do you know about Straw Larry?”
“Straw Larry? That guy’s a dick. I heard that he once tried to kick women out of publishing.”
“How did he do that?”
“By nominating a bunch of women for some publishing award.”
“But that doesn’t even make any sense.”
“I know… They say that his evil is incomprehensible.”
“He hates women so much and wants them to be victimized, so he spent years teaching women how to shoot guns to defend themselves.”
“That doesn’t make sense either.”
“Incomprehensible evil, Tim.” Santa made his voice all low and spooky. “Incomprehensible.”
Tim hung up. This could possibly be the greatest threat the Christmas Noun had ever faced.
From Chapter 4
“You’ll never get away with this, Straw Larry!” the real Larry shouted as he struggled ineffectively against his bonds.
Straw Larry was a hideous creature, dredged up from the fevered imagination of thousands of SJWs, given unnatural life through their salty tears of perpetual outrage and powered by their endless butthurt, he was the living embodiment of every awful, nonsensical, conflicting, mutually exclusive, asinine thing they’d ever accused Larry Correia of, made real. He got the name because he was literally a straw man. I guess it just kind of just stuck, what with all the straw and stuff.
“You made the mistake of inviting the ultimate evil into your reality and now you will pay,” Straw Larry hissed.
“The suggestion from TorgersOn to up the ante on evil was all part of my evil scheme all along, to enter your world, and to destroy light, goodness, and the Christmas Noun once and for all! We tricked you into using your powers of imagination for EVIL! BWA HA HA HA HAHAAAAAA!”
“That wasn’t Evil Brad, that was regular Brad. I can tell because the evil one has a goatee. I didn’t write you into this year’s story, because I was going to phone it in and just use a two headed Christmas Dracula.”
“Oh… Never mind,” Straw Larry mumbled. He waved one straw hand dismissively. “We’ll fix the plot it in post. Anyways, I’m here now, to be incomprehensibly evil. I am the living embodiment of every bad thing you’ve been accused of on the internet. I am the mysterious hair in your soup. I am the car alarm that goes off in the middle of the night. When somebody stubs their toe, I was there.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Trigger warning. I am the patriarchy! I am neo-colonial privilege! I am cisgendernormative fascism! I am Bush-Hitler-Satan!”
“Oh yeah? You know how when you’re playing World of Tanks, and the internet gets really laggy and jerky? I cause that.”
“You bastard! I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you!”
The real Larry tried to escape, but he’d been zip tied to his comfy office chair, and let’s be honest, authors don’t really get a lot of cardio, so he got winded and gave up after a minute.
(editor’s note, I’m trapped. I can only hope that as the creator of this universe, that I have sufficiently empowered Tim with the depth and strength of character needed to overcome this terrible challenge)
From Chapter 5
“La la la la la la la! I can’t hear you!” Tim shouted, because he had his fingers stuck in his ears.
“And then, there was like this explosion, and a space battle, and it was all like, whoosh, buuuuuur, fizz, fizz!” Sally Love-Interest did a very poor impersonation of a light saber. “And the cool mask guy was really some other guy, who I think might have been Dr. Who, but then the hairy guy and the old guy flew on a different space ship, and how do you think that adorable robot rolled around like that? Well, anyways, then the space girl had the laser shooter thingy, and she was all like buzz, buzz, boom, and—”
“NO SPOILERS!” Tim ran to the nearest window, crashed through the glass, and plummeted into the night.
(editor’s note. Okay. I’m boned)
From Chapter 7
His spying mission had been compromised. Tim had barely been able to escape the nanotech enhanced guard moose around the CorreiaTech Compound. Luckily there had been several European super cars just parked there with their keys in the ignition, so he’d been able to escape in an amazing car chase that was extremely pretty to look at, but made very little sense, and violated most of Newton’s laws.
Once the Lamborghini landed safely on top of the speeding bullet train, and the parachute detached, and then exploded into a random fireball, Tim turned to the passenger seat. “Good work, Superfluous Marketing Dog™*,” Tim told his new loyal, lovable, adorable, brave yet huggable, animal companion.
“Woof,” said Superfluous Marketing Dog™, in the most adorable way imaginable.
“Awwwwwwwwwww,” went the audience.
(editor’s note… Damn. Jim Butcher is a friggin’ genius)
*Superfluous Marketing Dog™ Plush Toys coming soon to the CorreiaTech SWAG page.
From Chapter 9
Thanks to the extended dream sequence last chapter, Tim was able to look inside himself and once again discover the true meaning of Christmas. It wasn’t about Star Wars, but it was about love, and family, and remembering what was really important. Tim would have shed a single manly tear at this plot mandated profound realization moment, but Ron Perlman had already used up their quota of manly emotion back when he narrated the intro.
“I’ve got to hand it to you, Tim. Your franchise made it eight whole seasons before you needed to call me in to save it,” said the Rock, who was playing the all new Ghost of Christmas Present Tense, Self-Esteem, and Physical Fitness. “That’s like a record. Usually a franchise has to call in me or Bruce Willis long before it gets to this point, but you Christmas Noun guys have got heart.”
“Thanks, Dwayne. We just didn’t have the budget before, but once I learned you were a Monster Hunter fan, I figured it was worth a shot.”
“Hell’s yeah. Monster Hunter kicks ass. If Straw Larry murders real Larry, I’ll never find out what happens next. Now let’s go wreck some straw. For Christmas!” He stuck out his hand.
“For Christmas!” Tim said as he put his hand on top of Dwayne Johnson’s.
“Woof!” barked Superfluous Plot Dog™ as he put his paw on top of Tim’s hand.
“HOOOOOOOON!” bellowed Wendell, the recently bailed out of jail manatee, as he put his flipper on the dog.
“For Christmas,” Santa said with grim finality as he placed one mitten on the flipper.
“For Boxing Day!”
“Sally! You’re ruining our inspiring team building moment.”
“Oh my gosh, this is just like that part I saw in The Star Wars!” Sally exclaimed.
Everyone shushed her.
From Chapter 10
“I don’t know, Mr. The Rock, this convoluted heist plan to rescue Real Larry from Straw Larry, with the double back switcheroo, and the flying bank vault, with the cars jumping off the airplanes, and the rocket moose, all requiring split second timing from every member of our team, all performed during a musical montage, seems like it might not work out. I don’t think cars, guns, rockets, airplanes, or gravity work that way.”
“Take it up with the director, Tim. I’m just here to make this look good.”
From Chapter 11
Their convoluted heist plot almost worked, except for one little detail… Originally our soundtrack for the montage was supposed to have been supplied by Wu-Tang Clan, only that album had been purchased by billionaire industrialist Chuck McScrouge—who we hadn’t seen since he’d gotten his liver eaten clear back in the Christmas Noun 3—for his sole listening enjoyment. Tim hurried and put on some Hootie and the Blowfish, but by then it was too late.
So now our plucky band of heroes were trapped high atop Yard Moose Mountain, surrounded and menaced by nanontech enhanced guard moose, with nothing to watch on Santa’s little sleigh TV except for the Republican Debates.
“Yes, Donald Trump is still leading in the polls, Wendell.”
“Yes, I know he’s a rich obnoxious bloviating New Yorker, lifelong democrat, Clinton donor, who used to be in favor of an assault weapons ban, who likes eminent domain, restrictions on the internet, wanted the government to do something about violent video games, with policy positions that change by the hour, who has been proudly endorsed by Vladimir Putin, but yes, he is actually leading among republicans who self-identify as “liberal” or “moderate” so the media declared him the new face of conservatism and won’t shut up about him. If he wins the primary like the media wants him to, then he’ll go against one of two batty old socialists who don’t understand basic econ,” Tim explained patiently.
“What? Back in your home dimension, Labor Secretary and Fisk Master Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs, is favored to win the presidency now that Adam Baldwin’s two terms are up?” Tim asked incredulously. “Man, our universe really does suck in comparison.”
“Moo,” Wendell agreed.
“Yeah, just rub it in, why don’t you?”
“This is just like that part where the old guy with the beard revealed that he was the dad of the bad guy with the laser sword!” Sally exclaimed.
Worst. Christmas. EVER.
From Chapter 12
Because of the plot mandated Trial/Fail cycle our plucky band of heroes was able to rally, use the power of the Christmas Noun, make a come-back, and snatch victory from the jaws of defeat (which was the opposite of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, which was more of an establishment GOP thing). The ensuing epic car chase made literally zero sense, but it blew through the rest of our special effects budget and then some.
Tim stood before the narrowly defeated Straw Larry, in the wreckage of the flaming dirigible, that he had crashed his Bugatti Veyron through. “You’re finished, Straw Larry!”
“The greatest evil that has ever existed, defeated…” the awful monster sighed. “Oh well. I’ll always have Twitter.”
“Yeah, about that, I’m not really sure how your nefarious master plan was supposed to work out. In order to destroy Christmas you opened up a charity petting zoo to benefit the Old Folks Home/Orphanage/Teddy Bear Hospital.”
“The fainting goats were too adorable,” Straw Larry said wistfully.
“I don’t get it. But that wasn’t a bad thing at all, only the internet flipped out, and even major media sites and newspapers spun it as racist and homophobic. I just don’t understand.”
“That’s because my evil is incomprehensible, Tim. Until next time…” And then Straw Larry threw himself from the flaming dirigible, to explode into a cloud of straw against the rocks far below.
Wendell put a little ranch dressing on the straw and ate it like a salad.
Epilog narrated by Ron Perlman
(wipes eyes) Sorry, there must just be some dust in the air. Yeah… dust. That’s it.
Christmas was saved once again.
To thank him for stopping Straw Larry, Santa got Tim’s mall ban revoked. Tim was finally able to watch his movie in peace. Luckily, it turned out that Sally had accidentally gone to the wrong theater and had been talking about Alvin and the Chipmunks: Boys on the Hood the whole time.
Wendell was convicted of 3rd Degree Flipper Slapping With Intent to Hoon, and sentenced to another year of community service as the Ghost of Christmas Future-Past. Wendell T. Manatee could not be reached for comment.
Superfluous Marketing Dog™ plush toys were such a hit they even outsold the Talking Wendell stuffed manatee during the 4th quarter. Amazon executives were pleased. The now wealthy Superfluous Marketing Dog™ used his royalties to purchase his own private Wu Tang Clan album.
Larry the author was rescued and freed from his comfy office chair. Because Larry does not have tickets for Star Wars until Saturday, he will be hiding from the internet until then. Well, except for World of Tanks, obviously. But he mutes everybody and lone wolfs it anyway.
Straw Larry returned to the fevered imaginations of blue haired Twitter land whales. To this day he spreads hatemongery and confusion across the internet.
After years in the same role playing game campaign, Brad Torgersen is still not sure which dice to roll.
No moose or fainting goats were harmed in the production of this film.
Because Christmas. Christmas never changes.
Merry Christmas, Monster Hunter Nation! 😀