Monster Hunter Nation

CHRISTMAS NOUN 7: Attack of the Social Justice Noun

It is that time of year again, ‘tis the season, ‘tis the season for noun! Inspired by other bestselling Christmas novels about jars, boxes, letters, and sweaters, I decided that I too was entitled to write a Christmas novel featuring the magical powers of a noun.

This is the 7th annual celebration of badly written Christmas adventure. When I started this star studded Christmas tradition, little did I realize that it would become a phenomena that would sweep the multiverse.

Here are our previous installments.

THE CHRISTMAS NOUN http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2008/12/22/the-christmas-noun/ Excerpts from my first epic Christmas novel, only with more Cthulu, zombies, and chainsaws. Young Tim overcomes his hatred of Christmas to defeat the anti-Claus in the Peppermint Thunderdome.

THE CHRISTMAS NOUN 2: THE NOUNENING http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2009/12/08/the-christmas-noun-2-the-nounening/  The much anticipated sequel to the greatest Christmas story featuring a noun ever. In this episode, Tim fights Stabby the Snowman and uses the Global Warming Power of Love.

THE CHRISTMAS NOUN 3D: THE GRITTY REBOOT http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2010/12/10/the-christmas-noun-3d-the-gritty-reboot/  Christmas goes hard core as Rudolf leads the Reindeer Separatists in a jihad against Christmas.

THE CHRISTMAS NOUN 4: OCCUPY CHRISTMAS NOUN http://monsterhunternation.com/2011/12/19/christmas-noun-4-occupy-christmas-noun/ Tim and his adult son Tim Jr. have to save Christmas from being occupied by the 99%.

THE CHRISTMAS NOUN 5: FIFTY SHADES OF NOUN, CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE EDITION http://monsterhunternation.com/2012/12/13/chirstmas-noun-5-fifty-shades-of-noun-choose-your-own-adventure-edition/ Okay, that title pretty much explains this one.

THE CHRISTMAS NOUN 6: YES, WENDELL, THERE REALLY IS A CHRISTMAS NOUN http://monsterhunternation.com/2013/12/23/christmas-noun-6-yes-wendell-there-really-is-a-christmas-noun/ Tim and Wendell the Manatee travel through time to save Christmas from a legion of footy pajama wearing hipster douchebags.

And now excerpts from our feature presentation

THE CHRISTMAS NOUN 7:  Attack of the Social Justice Noun

Written by Larry Correia.  Directed by J.J. Abrams. Soundtrack by Depeche Mode.

Opening Narration by Ron Perlman

In the catacombs deep beneath Oberlin College, a new threat to Christmas arises. An artifact of incredible power, capable of altering the very fabric of reality, has been forged. Made from the tears of a hundred Tumblr feeds, the flannel of a thousand lumbersexuals, the wood pulp of a million unsold Lena Dunham books, and baptized in oil rendered from the blubber of Chris Matthew’s tingly thighs, the Social Justice Noun was born.

For Tim, a routine trip to the mall turns to terror. Each time the Social Justice Noun is activated, the world is further twisted toward its nefarious vision of perfection. Hang on… The script uses the words equality and diversity like they’re bad things.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Equality and diversity sound awesome, until you realize SJWs want “diversity” only as long as everyone is diverse in the exact same approved way and “equality” as long as you’re equally as miserable and bitter as they are.

Okay. Groovy.

Because Christmas. Christmas never changes.

***

From the Prolog

The mob of Social Justice Warriors clustered around their new Social Justice Noun, eager to conquer the world. They’d decided to start in the mall parking lot, because it symbolized decadent capitalism, plus there was a big sale at the Apple store they could hit afterwards.

Unfortunately since all they had was gender studies degrees, the SJWs were completely incompetent, and couldn’t figure out how to turn it on. After a whole lot of crying about the racist neo-colonial patriarchy didn’t turn on their device, eventually one of them had the bright idea to hold a Kickstarter to fund the hiring of someone who could figure out how to operate the Social Justice Noun for them. Their campaign was a huge success and eventually a republican guy named Frank—who had a real job and a STEM degree—showed up, plugged the Social Justice Noun in for the SJWs, got paid, and left. Afterwards the SJWs complained on Twitter that Frank failed to provide them with a trigger warning before plugging the MALE power cord into the FEMALE electrical socket, and thus was guilty of cis-patriarchal privilege.

The Social Justice Noun awoke and began tearing apart the very fabric of space and time.

***

From Chapter One

Tim had already saved Christmas twice this year, and it was very important for Christmas warriors to enjoy their downtime, so he was in the rec room of his Black Tiger Kung Fu Dojo and Mall Santa Prep Academy for Inner City Youths playing Xbox with CorreiaTech CFO and part-time Ghost of Christmas Future-Past, Wendell the Manatee, when Sally Love-Interest joined them.

“Hey, guys. What are you doing?”

“Mooooowhoooooooooo,” Wendell said from inside his giant fish tank. He had to pay extra for water proof controllers.

“Manatees are spawn camping bastards,” Tim complained to his lovely wife. He may have been a mighty Christmas warrior from a long line of Christmas saving warriors, but his Black Tiger Kung Fu skills didn’t translate to Call of Duty.

“Meeeeeeeeeeeen,” Wendell answered, as he brutally no scoped head shot Tim from across the map.

“Oh, that’s nice. I’m going Christmas shopping,” Sally told her Christmas warrior husband and his large aquatic friend. “You should come with me.”

Despite Wendell’s lack of opposable thumbs, the manatee was victorious again, so Tim rage quit. “That’s it! I’m out of here. Let’s go to the mall, Sally.”

“Floooooooooon?”

“Fine. We’ll bring you back a barrel of Cheetos.”

***

They’d fixed up the local mall since Stabby the Snowman had driven a tank through it, but since Tim had been too busy saving holidays, and there was that whole thing with the restraining order, he’d not stopped by since.  “Hey, there’s a Game Hole. I’m going to get a new game.” Tim was tired of being mercilessly beaten by a manatee.

“That’s nice, honey,” Sally Love-Interest said, but she wasn’t really paying attention because she’d gotten her shoelaces trapped in the escalator.

Inside the Game Hole, Tim browsed the new games. He picked out something that had giant fighting robots being driven by hot cartoon Japanese school girls on the cover. “Hey, this looks good,” Tim said.

The clerk joined him. “Yeah, it rocks. There’s chainsaw ninja zombies and a heavy metal soundtrack for the sexy—

EQUALITY! boomed a giant voice with lots of reverb.

“Whoa… Did you hear that?” Tim asked the clerk, but then Tim realized that the clerk had been replaced with a pajama boy wearing ironic glasses and footy pajamas. “Oh no. Not this again.” Then Tim looked down and realized that the awesome video game had magically transformed into something dull that Kotaku had given 11 stars.

“As I was saying,” the pajama boy said, “this walking simulator explores the transsexual dynamics of the paradigm of colonial privilege.”

“I don’t know what any of those words mean.”

“Cispeople!” The exasperated pajama boy rolled his eyes. “It means that everybody your character talks to wants to have gay sex with you.”

“Oh, so it is just like Dragon Age 2 then?” Then Tim realized that all of the games had turned into boring socially conscious crap, designed to satisfy critics and whiners, and he fled the Game Hole in terror.

Tim knew that something was horribly wrong. He would have gone to the movie theater to check, but the North Koreans had already messed it up, so he went to the bookstore to test his suspicions. “Excuse me, do you have any Larry Correia novels?”

“Why yes,” answered the bookstore clerk. “They’re over here in the section where the covers are mostly exploding rocket ships and hot chicks in chainmail bikinis. That is our most popular section. It is so manly that the books literally bleed testosterone down the shelves.”

“Thank goodness. It was just a false alarm.”

DIVERSITY!

The clerk looked around, confused. “Wait a second… They were here, but it appears now all of our books are award winning works designed to raise awareness of important social issues.”

Tim read a few back cover blurbs and discovered that all of the books were about ending binary gender and global warming. “But nobody actually likes reading this preachy stuff. Readers want fun and enjoyment, not checklists.” Then Tim realized that the helpful clerk had suddenly gained an ironic beard and a beret. “Crap.”

“Trigger warning! Bad Think! Security! Security!” The clerk blew his rape whistle. Suddenly two giant threatening gingerbread men appeared. “Take him to Mandatory Sensitivity Training!”

Tim got into his fighting stance. It wouldn’t be a Christmas Noun story without lots of violence against a legion of faceless mooks. “I don’t know what’s going on here, but your gingerbread men are no match for my Black Tiger Kung Fu!”

“That’s sexist and abelist! They’re GENDERbread PERSONS!”

***

From Chapter Two

After a brief fight scene, Tim was covered in gingerbread crumbs but otherwise unhurt. All around him the mall was descending into bland, self-righteous, nonsense. The shoppers were transforming into humorless, finger shaking scolds, and then trying to out Social Justice each other. It was like they were being mind-controlled by communist puritans.  Tim would have preferred actual zombies.

Luckily, the Social Justice hadn’t spread too far yet. If Tim could find the source of this foulness, he could stop the contagion and rescue Sally Love-Interest (who of course, had been captured already, because that was sort of her thing., and worst of all her captors had already sent Tim tweets lecturing him that the damsel in distress was a sexist stereotype).

***
From Chapter Three

There was a Christmas concert in the food court. It was country superstar Darius Rucker singing a beautiful rendition of I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas. Luckily, the crowd was still made up of normal people.

TOLERANCE!

Suddenly the crowd turned into Social Justice Warriors, who began to boo and throw things at Darius Rucker. Apparently White Christmas was racist.

“But the song is about snow!” Darius Rucker pleaded for sanity. “Snow is white!”

“Lynch that black man for equality!” shouted a SJW. With a roar the angry mob charged the stage.

Tim still had Hootie and the Blowfish on his playlist, so he wasn’t about to let Darius Rucker get torn apart for Social Justice. So Tim grabbed onto a banner and swung across the mall, pirate style, picking up Darius Rucker just ahead of the mob and saving him in the nick of time. Tim dropped Darius Rucker off at the next balcony.

“What is up with these morons?” country superstar Darius Rucker asked once they were safe.

“I don’t know, but unfortunately for you, current events have drafted you as a special guest star in a Christmas Noun story.”

“Just like Christopher Walken?” Darius Rucker asked. Tim nodded. “That has always been my worst fear in life.”

“Trigger warning,” Tim warned special guest star Darius Rucker.

“I thought that was a SJW thing?”

“No.” Tim handed Darius Rucker one of his .45 automatics. “Really, this thing has like a three pound trigger on it, so be careful you don’t blow your nuts off.”

“Got it. I’m no Lance Henriksen, but I’ll help you save Christmas, Tim.”

 

***

From Chapter Four

Tim ran through the mall doing his best to stay ahead of the army of genderbread persons. Because it is the new hotness and Tim is an action hero, he was doing all sorts of cool parkour moves, like leaping off balconies and stuff. As he passed the TVs in the electronics store every show on every network had turned into Girls. The sports store had banned football because of toxic masculinity and the dangers of concussions.

Tim took cover beneath a non-binary, non-religious, all-inclusive, winter holiday celebration decoration and called Santa Claus on his cell phone. Tim and Santa were tight.

“Ho Ho Hello, Tim!”

“Santa, we’ve got a Code Red. Social Justice Warriors are taking over Christmas. They’re altering reality somehow and sucking the fun out of everything. It is some sort of mind control thing that causes people to spout gibberish. Call up the Marines and all the Christmas Ghosts. I repeat, Code Red!”

“But Tim, we can’t call it red because the Washington Redskins is a racist macroaggression and red is an aggressive inherently male color. Plus red states are the ones which traditionally house hillbilly-Americans and thus could be seen as a thesis of institutional cis-abelism—”

“No! Not Santa too!”   Tim hung up on Santa. This was much worse than he thought. Whatever was happening was perhaps the most dangerous thing to ever threaten Christmas!  It was time to call in the big guns.

***
From Chapter Six

Wendell was pwning newbs when he got a call from Tim.

“Mehwhoooo?”

“Wendell! I need backup! Get down to the mall ASAP! Bring all the Christmas Ghosts, past, present, future, whatever! Hurry. They’re about to—”

The call was disconnected. Wendell sighed and went back to his game. He’d get down to the mall in a minute, but his team only needed a few more points to win this round of domination and he was on one heck of a kill streak. “Hoooooon. Gurgle. Gurgle.” Wendell smack talked with the best of them. Then he tea bagged the corpse he’d just murdered to rub the humiliation in.

Suddenly there was a great disturbance in Xbox Live, as if a million foul mouthed twelve year olds cried out in terror… and were suddenly silenced.

A voice filled the internet. “Hello, gamers. After our successful struggle against the patriarchy, violent cis-abelist games have been banned because of their toxic masculinity. From now on games will be all about important social messages and education. Now enjoy your complimentary copy of Depression Quest.”

“Mehoooowhoooooooooon…” Wendell stated ominously as he got the keys to his monster truck. Now it was personal.

***

From Chapter Eight

Christmas was about spreading joy and love, but SJWs only cared about spreading guilt and misery.  Tim shed a single manly tear as he had his plot-necessary Profound Christmas Spirit Realization Moment.

The mall was a scene of absolute horror. The SJWs had gone from finger shaking scolding to eating each other in a cannibal frenzy. Even though everything had been forced to confirm to their statist view of the world, the SJWs had become addicted to being victims, so had to continually find new sources of outrage. Books that catered to Social Justice causes before suddenly weren’t devoted enough to some new cause, and so the previously approved authors were burned at the stake.

Suddenly minorities weren’t “authentic”. Men who agreed with SJWs were “mansplaining”. Anybody who deviated slightly from the accepted group think was committing “gentrification”. Basically, everybody was guilty of some buzz word and needed to be punished. Once the SJWs were in charge, everything turned to chaos.

Tim would have said it was a very Lord of the Flies moment, only the SJWs had destroyed every copy of Lord of the Flies because of its lack of female and transsexual characters and fat shaming the Character Formerly Known as Piggy.

***

EDITOR’S NOTE – What have I done? The Social Justice Noun is too powerful. It is bleeding into other realities and dimensions. I’m afraid the SJN has intruded into the real world like some sort of Lovecraftian—wait… Who is Lovecraft? I think he was the old white cismale who was replaced with Octavia Butler. I must warn everyone! I must warn them about… cismale gendernormative fascism. Let me try again. Warn everyone about… fat shaming for transqueer abelists. Wait… That isn’t what I meant to type. Cisgendernormative hate monger neck beard. AH! It is too late! Tim is our only hope!

***
From Chapter Ten

Tim, Sally, and Darius Rucker had taken cover as the SJWs inevitably turned on each other in violent purges.

“You’re invading my Racially Segregated Safe Zone!” screeched one SJW at another. “Hate speech!”

“No! You’re invading MY Non-Binary Gender Segregated Safe Zone!” wailed the other. “Rape culture!” Then they began to blow their whistles at each other. Eventually GenderBread Persons came and hauled both of them off to the gulags for “reeducation”.

“There’s the source of all this.” Tim pointed toward the Social Justice Noun, which was hovering angrily over the mall. “But every time I try to approach it, I get blocked by an invisible force field that demands I Check my Privilege. Even though I grew up dirt poor and Christmas killed my whole family, apparently I’ve got action hero privilege.”

“I tried, but I’ve got pretty girl privilege,” Sally said sadly.

“I’m a rock star and a country music star,” Darius Rucker apologized. “Sorry, Tim.”

“Darn it! It is almost like no matter what SJWs have made it so the nefarious concept of “privilege” is always there to make sure anything you say or do is dismissed. We need someone who is immune to their evil magic!”

Suddenly there was a crash as a monster truck plowed through the mall. Wendell the manatee parked his monster truck through the front of the Orange Julius and got out. He had  painted half his face blue like on Braveheart. Wendell’s fish tank was mounted inside a CorreiaTech cybernetic battle suit.  “Hoooooooooooooon!” Wendell let out the battle cry of his people.

“Wendell!” Tim shouted. “You’ve got to try to get through the force field of privilege!”

Wendell nodded in grim determination and set out toward the Social Justice Noun. The GenderBread Persons saw what was happening and tried to stop them. Tim launched into a furious assault of kung-fu shootery! (EDITOR’S NOTE: Shootery is as much a real word as gendernormative! Go Wendell!)

As Wendell’s battle suit hit the force field, the Social Justice Noun roared, “PRIVILEGE!”

Wendell faltered. Sparks flew from the battle suit. “You’ve got to keep going, Wendell!” Sally urged on their noble manatee.

“Nothing can withstand that much smug!” Darius Rucker warned.

Only Wendell was a mighty Christmas warrior, upheld by the global warming power of love and the Christmas Noun. “HOOOOOOON!”

Only the Social Justice Noun didn’t recognize Manatee. In fact, like most Social Justice things it was a product of snooty white suburban academics. “CULTURAL APPROPRIATION!” Lightning bolts struck Wendell.

But luckily, Wendell’s battle suit was equipped with a voice translator. Wendell turned it on. It made him sound just like Stephen Hawking. “I am an aquatic-American.”

The Social Justice Noun burst into flames. It immediately apologized for the carbon footprint, but counterattacked with “INATHENTIC HOUSE MANATEE!”

Only Wendell was far too clever for such games. “I live in the ocean. I do not have house privilege.” Wendell battled on through the self-righteous onslaught.

“MICRO AGGRESSIONS!” Then Wendell opened fire with his missile launchers. “ACTIVE AGGRESSIONS! AHHHH! PHALLIC SYMBOLS OF COLONIAL OPPRESSION! SHITLORD! NECK BEARD! DUDEBRO!”

“I am a mammal that lives in the ocean. I require a protective layer of blubber to keep me warm. Why are you fat shaming me?”

The Social Justice Noun was getting desperate and used its ultimate weapon. “RACE CARD!”

But Wendell was ready. He mashed one flipper down on the Big Red Button.

“Endangered Species Card…”

“NOOOOOOOOOOO!” The Social Justice Noun had been hopelessly out-victimed. “TRIGGER WARNING! TRIGGER WAR—” Then there was a terrible explosion.

The privilege field went down. Tim leapt through the swirling smoke and sparks to a sweet heavy metal guitar riff, and karate chopped the Social Justice Noun with the power of the Christmas Noun!

(insert dramatic explosions here)

***

Final Epilogue Narrated by Ron Perlman

Christmas was saved and reality was restored.

After the Social Justice Noun was destroyed, Santa quickly returned to normal. Some embarrassing mix ups remained in place however, and many children on the Nice List were accidentally given Lena Dunham’s autobiography for Christmas. Santa apologized profusely for this horrific error and created a special task force of elves to investigate the matter.

Darius Rucker retired from Christmas warrioring. He remains friends with Tim on Facebook.

Frank, the capitalist republican who had to turn on the Social Justice Noun for the helpless SJWs, was disappointed when their check bounced.

Xbox Live returned to being a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Wendell wouldn’t have it any other way.

The surviving Social Justice Warriors took to Twitter to complain about literally everything. They remain useless, bossy, and convinced that everyone is having fun wrong.

Wendell the Manatee continues to serve as CFO of CorreiaTech. He was nominated for Time Magazine’s Person of the Year, but lost to the Ferguson Protestors. The National Enquirer recently alleged that Wendell is involved in a relationship with supermodel Kate Upton.

Tim and Sally Love-Interest returned to their Black Tiger Kung Fu Dojo and Mall Santa Prep Academy for Inner City Youths to enjoy Christmas together. For Christmas, Sally got Tim one of those rocket scientist bowling shirts with the sexy ladies printed on it that the SJWs hated so much, and Dragon Age 3, but Tim vowed that if this one sucked like the last one, he was writing BioWare off forever.

Because Christmas… Christmas never changes.

***

Merry Christmas, Monster Hunter Nation!

Good deal on a book today
Christmas Charity Drive for the Smith family, from the Long Range Shooters of Utah.
Jusuchin (Military Otaku)
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

Yes. It came just in time for Christmas.

Jusuchin (Military Otaku)
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

Reblogged this on A Journey Through Life and commented:
And so, Christmas is saved, thanks to…

A yearly tradition, when I fear Larry won’t be able to come up with something, idiots manage to give him enough ammo.

Angus Trim
Guest
Angus Trim
2 years 2 months ago

A good way to start a busy day.

Thanks Larry.

Starting the day cheerfully probably means I’ll be able to make time to start “Nemesis” tonight.

John Hamill
Guest
John Hamill
2 years 2 months ago

Awesome! Wendell FTW!

Skip
Guest
Skip
2 years 2 months ago

Hmm, I just had an evil thought – this story should be eligible to be nominated in the short story category for the Hugos, and it typically takes a lot fewer nominations to get in that category than the longer fiction ones…

CombatMissionary
Guest
CombatMissionary
2 years 2 months ago

Seconded.

Shawna
Guest
Shawna
2 years 2 months ago

That would be hilarious.

Arwen
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

I can see the heads exploding now.

salgak
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

That, dear friends, is a BONUS. . . .

Patrick Chester
Guest
Patrick Chester
2 years 2 months ago

A disturbance in the Force? As if thousands of SJWs cried out in shock and kept whingeing…. oh wait, that happens all the time.

VinceC
Guest
VinceC
2 years 2 months ago

That is just evil….

I LOVE it!

I’d pay for a membership to World Con for that!

James May
Guest
James May
2 years 2 months ago

The Social Justice Manatees would bark like… manatees…

…if manatees barked…

…or whatever.

They would certainly Tweet like manatees… if…

Pete
Guest
Pete
2 years 2 months ago

Does the author publishing it on his own blog make it eligible for a Hugo nomination? I thought it had to be published by a third party.

Patrick
Guest
Patrick
2 years 2 months ago

He could indie self publish it. That counts I believe.

Tully
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

Does the author publishing it on his own blog make it eligible for a Hugo nomination?

Yes, it does. Web publication counts. Self publication counts. Web self publication counts.

CHRISTMAS NOUN 7: ATTACK OF THE SOCIAL JUSTICE NOUN is 100% eligible for Hugo nomination.

Tully
Guest
2 years 2 months ago
It’s totally eligible for a Hugo short story nomination, per the rules. Last year John Chu’s story THE WATER THAT FALLS ON YOU FROM NOWHERE was the final-ballot entry with the lowest number of nominations, at 43, just barely making the 5% threshold. Sarah Hoyt’s short story DOG’S BODY just missed the ballot with 38 nominations, through failing to clear the 5% threshold. (Chu’s story won the Hugo.) Of the four fiction awards, the short story category had the second most nominations (865) after Best Novel (1595). Best Novelette had the fewest nominations in the fiction awards, at 752. Best… Read more »
Don B.
Guest
Don B.
2 years 2 months ago

Yeah, the Christmas Noun! I still say that these should be collected together and published in a dead tree volume, suitably illustrated of course. I’d buy it.

Tirno
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

As The Christmas Noun series is mostly kids friendly, except in the parts where it is kid-incomprehensible-but-sly-joke-to-the-reading-parent, I think it should be a large format illustrated book. (Like “Monster Eat Whiny Children”, which is now one of my kids’ favorite bedtime stories, but my only favorite bedtime story.)

Illustrated by the same bunch of guys that did 80s heavy metal album covers, of course.

Patrick
Guest
Patrick
2 years 2 months ago

Ron Perlman as Narrator and the voice of Adam Baldwin as Tim.

Rev. Paul
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

A worthy addition to the Christmas Noun saga – win!

Ray
Guest
Ray
2 years 2 months ago

Ah the Christmas Noun. NOW it feels like Christmas!

Jim McCoy
Guest
Jim McCoy
2 years 2 months ago

Larry Correia FTW!!!!

I love Christmas, I love manatees and I love Sally Love-Interest (only don’t tell Tim, K?)

Awesome work again this year!

Julie Frost (@JulieCFrost)
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

Larry, when you get ten of these, you should totally get them published. I would throw money at your head for an autographed copy.

CombatMissionary
Guest
CombatMissionary
2 years 2 months ago

From the end of Thanksgiving until Larry releases The Christmas Noun, I always have to spend my evenings sharpening my tomahawk. Now that I know Christmas is safe, I can rest easy.

Evyl Robot Michael
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

Not bad. It could have used more lens flares though.

Bruce
Guest
Bruce
2 years 2 months ago

“Floooooooooon?”

“Fine. We’ll bring you back a barrel of Cheetos.”

I nearly spit my coffee on my monitor…

Guest
Draven
2 years 2 months ago

Now we just need Shadowdancer to provide an illustration of Wendell in his battlesuit…

Arwen
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

Oooh, seconded. I hope she’s not too busy.

bassmanco
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

Thirded. Totally a word.

Pete
Guest
Pete
2 years 2 months ago

Fourthded…fourthed? whatever. Me Too!

Patrick Chester
Guest
Patrick Chester
2 years 2 months ago

Fifthed!!!

saintonge235
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

I’ll drink to that!

junior
Guest
junior
2 years 2 months ago
Endangered Species Card. Heh. Shortly after Obama was elected, John Stewart did a skit in which one of his guests found out that his Race Card was maxed out and couldn’t be used anymore. If only… On another note, haven’t been able to check out Dragon Age 3 due to a computer that needs to be replaced. But the thing that I find ironic about Dragon Age 2’s all bi-sexual love interest party member cast is that Mass Effect 2, the extremely popular Bioware game that preceded it, was the last Bioware game to not have any same-sex love interests.
60guilders
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

Depends on whether you count Liara as female as opposed to just “alien”, or Tali’s “Suit linkage” as desiring to have sex, if the Shepard played is female.

Junior
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

Does Tali go for female Shepherds as well as males? I thought she only went for the latter, though I could be wrong. And Liara’s “scene” is in the DLC, so gets by on a technicality.

60guilders
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

There’s no romance option there for female Shepard, but Tali’s dialogue about wanting to “link suits,” with implication of sexual attraction/desire, is there for both.

Leit
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

Don’t forget Morinth… if your Shepard is *really* bad at spotting warning signs.

John Overath
Guest
John Overath
2 years 2 months ago

This story is a true Christmas Noun Miracle!

Christopher M. Chupik
Guest
Christopher M. Chupik
2 years 2 months ago

“Tim would have said it was a very Lord of the Flies moment, only the SJWs had destroyed every copy of Lord of the Flies because of its lack of female and transsexual characters and fat shaming the Character Formerly Known as Piggy.”

Thanks, Larry. The perfect cap to one screwed-up year.

Cathy
Guest
Cathy
2 years 2 months ago

That. Was. Awesome. Go Wendell!

Shawna
Guest
Shawna
2 years 2 months ago
Nice. I enjoyed Wendell’s dialogue. The White Christmas thing reminded me of something. My cousin’s wife used to have a tradition of inviting friends over every year to watch the movie White Christmas. She called it, obviously, her White Christmas party. One year she invited a new friend, who happened to be black. Her: Would you like to come to my White Christmas party? Friend: *funny look* *awkward silence* Her: *hasty explanation* I think that kind of thing happens precisely because most people just don’t think about race anymore. We speak to non-white people as if they were just, you… Read more »
Christopher M. Chupik
Guest
Christopher M. Chupik
2 years 2 months ago

Larry is using stereotypical, racist manatee dialect.

No justice, no peace!

James May
Guest
James May
2 years 2 months ago

That doesn’t stop me from dreaming of a able-bodied neurotypical xmas.

Guest
NR Pax
2 years 2 months ago

Funny how there are people who get annoyed if you treat them as equals.

James May
Guest
James May
2 years 2 months ago

I understand how women would be annoyed at having to sign up for the draft. Dying on some god-forsaken island could rightly be considered a micro aggression complete with trigger warnings.

James May
Guest
James May
2 years 2 months ago

On the colonialist day of no-gender Xmas Orwell gave to me:
13 Mansplaining Neckbeards
12 Trigger Warnings
11 Privilege Diapers
10 Lordes of Audre
9 Cis-Ladies Editing
8 Maids a Whining
7 Arrogant White Men
6 Knitted Uteruses
5 Normative Dudebros
4 French Queer Theories
3 Newspeak Micro Aggressions
2 Binary No-no’s
And Directions to the House of R’lyeh

CMB
Guest
CMB
2 years 2 months ago

If tankery is a word, then shootery is word as well 🙂

junior
Guest
junior
2 years 2 months ago

Tankery, aka Sensha-do, is a high school sport in which teams of high school girls compete against each other using AFVs from World War 2.

wombat_socho (@wombat_socho)
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

I just figured “shootery” is how they say “gun katas” in Tim’s world.

Patrick
Guest
Patrick
2 years 2 months ago

Equilibrium for those that don’t know the movie reference.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0238380/

bjlinden
Guest
bjlinden
2 years 2 months ago

My only complaint is that there’s no way Frank would have characterized his degree as a “STEM degree.” I don’t think I’ve ever heard the term “STEM” outside of the context of people complaining that there aren’t enough women involved in it.

60guilders
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

Also used by people who complain about students whining about their tens of thousands of dollars of debt gone into for a humanities degree.

Shadowdancer Duskstar / Cutelildrow
Guest

+1 and yes until the whining about the shirt I had never heard of the acronym before!

Khazlek
Guest
Khazlek
2 years 2 months ago

I haven’t found that to be so. It’s frequently used by columnists suggesting that we need more people to earn STEM degrees. It’s become fairly common in general.

Leit
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

It’s been widely used for years… in Europe. As with so many other things, your Left simply loves to loot our language.

(I couldn’t resist the alliteration)

CombatMissionary
Guest
CombatMissionary
2 years 2 months ago

Alliteration is always admirable; additionally, my aspiration to ape alliterative achievement is always advanced in my agenda.

😉

Chris Durrant
Guest
Chris Durrant
2 years 2 months ago

I would pay serious money for an audio version of the Christmas “noun” stories read by Bronson Pinchot, or if he is busy read by Ron Pearlman.

Bruce
Guest
Bruce
2 years 2 months ago

With Larry or Nick Searcy reading the Editor’s Notes!

Planetary Defense Commander
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

Endangered species card beats race card? You need to make a SJW card game. It would be obsolete by the time it was printed, but that just means expansion sets!

saintonge235
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

Yes! I don’t even play games, and I’d buy it.

Joe in PNG
Guest
Joe in PNG
2 years 2 months ago

I wonder if Steve Jackson Games already has one…

CombatMissionary
Guest
CombatMissionary
2 years 2 months ago

Maybe a board game. Based on the game of life. With the end goal being to retire with full disability from a government job, or get tenure as a professor in a gender or minority studies department at a college?

dpmonahan
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

Reblogged this on Truth and Tolerance and commented:
Get in the Christmas spirit with Corriea!

Old NFO
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

Well done sir WELL DONE! 🙂

Guest
2 years 2 months ago

Hope you don’t catch any Fallout for having Ron Perlman do the opening and closing narration. Because lawsuits… lawsuits never change.

Robert
Guest
Robert
2 years 2 months ago

Pretty sure this would fall squarely under “parody”, which is a fair-use exception to copyright laws.

Pogonip
Guest
Pogonip
2 years 2 months ago

And may God bless us, every one!

Or, if you prefer, may the Higher Power impart non-culturally specific, generally regarded as beneficial, wishes.

Wes S.
Guest
Wes S.
2 years 2 months ago

You had me at “Directed by JJ Abrams.”

You lost me at “Soundtrack by Depeche Mode.” That’s romantic mood music for SJWers, right there.

Seriously, did John Ringo steal all the cool Nightwish songs for his fiction or something? Even Darius Rucker in full Hootie mode would have been an improvement over DM…

😛

trackback

[…] exception. This year, though, can Tim save Christmas from the reality-warping horror that is…Attack of the Social Justice Noun? Features guest stars Darius Rucker and Wendell the Manatee. Fire TV […]

nebbo
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

Trigger warning! Excellent as always, this one excels at excellent excellence. I laughed more than once. Hard.

Julie Pascal
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

That was so freaking funny. Thanks, Larry! Merry Christmas. 🙂

Austin
Guest
Austin
2 years 2 months ago

Dang Larry, I didn’t think there was such a thing as a legitimate use for the phrase “Trigger Warning” until today. Once again, amazing work.

Now everyone have a Merry Christmas! Or maybe a happy Hanukkah (because the Israelis are pretty good people). If neither of those work for you, too damn bad.

saintonge235
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

Oh, me of little faith! And to think I was worried there wouldn’t be a Christmas Noun this year!

Awesome as always, Larry. Buy Wendell an extra barrel of Cheetos®, and send me the bill.

Nick
Guest
Nick
2 years 2 months ago

I LOLed at the “trigger warning.” Instantly thought of Brad Pitt handing the nerdy scientist a Glock in World War Z. Then I LOLed again.

Earl Rogers
Guest
Earl Rogers
2 years 2 months ago

The line about how North Korea ruined the movies struck home.

Funny how when a group of terrorists threaten, Hollywood (which talks a big game towards Those Evil Flyover State Riffraff) crumples like a damp dish rag.

Funnier still how the Anti-Oppression crowd, when an ENTIRE INDUSTRY is suddenly oppressed, can only bellyache about emails that reveal Hollywood is made up of flawed ordinary people who make flawed ordinary decisions as the WORST THING EVER.

(I totally want a Gamer Manatee Sweatshirt now.)

Christopher M. Chupik
Guest
Christopher M. Chupik
2 years 2 months ago

They bravely speak truth to power . . . to people who are long dead and can’t sue.

saintonge235
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

Yeah, at least the people who I’m told originated the phrase “speak truth to power” spoke it to the living, and at some distinct legal and physical risk!

Guest
NR Pax
2 years 2 months ago

God Bless us everyone.

Shadowdancer Duskstar / Cutelildrow
Guest

*insane fit of giggles!!!!!!!*

Shadowdancer Duskstar / Cutelildrow
Guest

PS: I’d totally love a barrel of Cheetos.The kind that don’t have a secondary flavor. They only have bacon-and-cheese here. ;_; (Yes, sometimes, I like stuff that doesn’t have the flavor of bacon. Very rarely. This is one of ’em.)

Merry Christmas, Larry! Thanks for the laughs.

NTNR
Guest
NTNR
2 years 2 months ago

This story just made my day. Simply awesome!

Scott
Guest
Scott
2 years 2 months ago

Good, been looking forward to this years noun.

Guest
Mike M.
2 years 2 months ago

Brilliant! My Christmas just got merrier!

Stephanie Z
Guest
Stephanie Z
2 years 2 months ago

Thanks for making me laugh! It’s been a crappy month, so I needed it.

Dave
Guest
Dave
2 years 2 months ago

It’s the little things, like the Christmas Noun story, that make Xmas what it is.

Matt
Guest
Matt
2 years 2 months ago

Dude, you really need to put in a “Trigger Warning for Larry Corriea fans” at the beginning f things like this. Laughing histerically while eating breakfast at my favorite (independent) coffee shop leads to some really awkward moments with the staff. Even more so because I live in a very “Liberal”. And while I an quite willing to disturb their equilibrium a little bit, I’m taking the long view on breaking them of their Liberal habituations.

Anonymous
Guest
Anonymous
1 year 2 months ago

I’m a liberal woman from a very liberal area. My mom is a university professor. A very large fraction of my friends are gay or transgender. I like this story anyway because even I think the political correctness has gotten out of hand. I think too much political correctness can keep people from focusing on the real issues. By the way a lot of my liberal friends agree with me on that point.

I’m crazy about the grimnoir chronicles so thanks for them and for this.

Daniel
Guest
Daniel
2 years 2 months ago

Thank you,sir! You have again brought hilarity to our house, as I gather the children around for the annual reading-aloud of The Christmas Noun. Awesome! Blessings to you and yours from out here in SJW-occupied N. Calif.

Guest
2 years 2 months ago

I love me some Christmas Noun! Thanks Larry, and Merry Christmas everyone!

scott
Guest
scott
2 years 2 months ago

Am I the only one wondering what exactly a ‘Lumbersexual’ is?

Guest
2 years 2 months ago

Someone who gets a woody for wood?

misereremeideus
Guest
misereremeideus
2 years 2 months ago

I had just reread the first six Christmas noun stories for about the seventeenth time, when this one came out. Thank you!!

I was really wondering how you’d be able to top the Affordable Christmas Act. Damn. You just keep pulling rabbits, manatees, even [bleep]ing man purse-weilding Pajama Boys out of your magician’s hat. Thanks for the Christmas cheer!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Guest
2 years 2 months ago
jabrwok
Guest
2 years 2 months ago

…it has *sparkles*.

trackback

[…] us not to mention on the web. There will also be another installment of his ongoing internet saga The Christmas Noun. Clearly, his efforts during the Hugo Awards fiasco have resulted in his career being flushed down […]

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