How to get Correia nominated for a Hugo, PART 4: Ten ways I’m different than Stephen King, and thus deserve a Hugo nomination

We are in the final two days of being able to get a supporting membership for WorldCon so that you can nominate stuff (Monster Hunger Legion is stuff) for the Hugo award. All month long I’ve been bugging you guys to get memberships so you can nominate up to 5 items in every category, to let your voices be heard. The cost of the membership is offset by the big packet of eBooks you get with works from all of the nominees.

First, I explained why it is so important to make literati snobs spontaneously combust with rage that a mere pulp novelist would tread in their sacred halls: This blog post alone caused several severe injuries at Ivy league English departments across the world and threatened to End Literature Forever.

sad puppy

Second, I showed just how serious this problem is with Sarah McLachlan music and sad puppies:  Proving that if you don’t register, it is because you hate puppies and pulp novelists and like it when Michael Vick runs them through the clothes dryer.

Think of the Children

And last week, I asked for everyone to please, please think of the children, as I shamelessly surrounded myself with children.

This is the final few days that you can hear my heartfelt pleas to stick up for unabashedly awesome action novels. I was out of ideas. I mean, I’d already rocked the sad puppies, so what else was there, but luckily current events came to the rescue.

Earlier this week Stephen King released a giant screed about gun control, and while my giant screed about gun control was based upon my years of practical experience in that field, his was based upon emotion, wishful thinking, and having snorted a lot of coccaine. It was mostly the same tired nonsense about how he like totally understands the 2nd Amendment, but it is time to get rid of our “obsession with dangerous toys” (hint, if you say you understand the 2nd and then immediately invoke “toys” or “deer hunting” you are an idiot).  I’m pretty sure the founding fathers didn’t rise up and do battle with a tyranical government and then immediately after write an amendment enshrining our right to hunt deer.

Then he talked about how culture doesn’t cause mass killings, guns do, which was why he pulled his book Rage off of the market because he felt guilty after it had inspired a couple of mass killers… Go figure. My favorite part however, was where he tried to use his Mad Horror Writer Skillz to invoke emotions about how Wayne LaPierre and the NRA needs to clean up the corpses and pick up the partially digested last meals from their intestines or whatever the hell pretentious hamfisted bullshit that was.  (another hint, I’m pretty sure my readership is of above average familiarity with violence, real horror, corpses, and gun shot wounds, so from that sample I’m fairly certain people with a clue are not exactly lining up to turn in their guns)

Please do keep in mind, that this is the same dude who back when he had a severe case of Bush Derangement Syndrome came out with is comments about how if you can’t read then you’ll end up in the Army… Yeah… Classy.

However, since Stephen King is all sorts of famous and of the correct political persuasion he was once again hailed as a genius in the media. Because look, even though he knows dick about the subject, his opinion matters, because he’s a NOVELIST! What about my opposing gun control article which was read by a million people which was written based upon my actual experience, and knowledge of the law, tactics, wound ballistics, and how actual violence works. NO! We will dismiss that because you are just a NOVELIST!  See how it works? Pretty nifty.

Because King has a political opinion, but he is of the correct political persuasions, I am sure he will be showered with awards. Meanwhile, woe unto the once award winning writers who come out of the closet as being of the incorrect political persuasion, because no more awards for you! Sort of like Orson Scott Card winning everything under the sun until he came out against gay marriage. Or Dan Simmons winning every literary award in existence until he wrote an article pointing out that maybe, just maybe, jihadi fundamentalists might want to kill us. No awards for you! Sometimes they even eat their own, as can be witnessed by Elizibeth Moon (who I believe is pretty darn liberal) having an opinion outside the accepted group think about terrorism and getting the fandom equivelent of a tar and feathering.

You guys hear me joke about this a lot, about authors getting blackballed because of their politics, but it is very real, and it annoys me to no end. I know a lot of conservative authors with other publishing houses, and they all just keep their mouths shut out of the very real fear of damaging their careers. Luckily for me, I used to own a machine gun store. It doesn’t get much more out of the closet than that. :)

For the record, I think Stephen King’s an extremely good writer. He’s been published for as long as I’ve been alive. When he’s on, the dude’s a word smith. When he’s off, he sucks. He can paint a brilliant picture with words, and then cram it into a meandering plot populated by mopey ass victim characters you just want to brain with a shovel. The main reason I don’t enjoy King novels is that he writes good victims, good thugs, and wouldn’t know a hero if it bit him in the ass. His books are all about making you feel helpless, useless, and weak. I can’t wrap my brain around that sort of mind set, and apparently that translates over into real life philosophy as well.

When it comes to pure writing skill, he’s on top. He’s been doing this for like 40 years. So when it comes to writing advice, I’ll listen. When it comes to self defense, the 2nd Amendment, or politics in general, oh hell no.

As a side note, my personal favorite bit of nonsensical Stephen King advice comes from a book of his I’ve not read. He’s got a writing advice book called On Writing, and aspiring authors love to quote it. One time I was on a panel at a convention and the topic was about balancing work and family, and some aspiring writer in the audience felt the need to stand up and quote from the book. I can’t remember exactly how it went, but it was a tortured analogy about how when King first got super rich, he built a big house with a big office, and he put his writing desk in the middle of the office, and then neglected his family because there was no room for them in the office. Later, he moved the desk to the side, so his children could play… And the aspiring author quoted this like it was all sorts of profundity.

My response was basically, “Look, dude… I’ve been happily married to the same women for fifteen years. I’ll take writing advice from Stephen King, but I’ll be damned if I take child raising advice from him. The reason he neglected his kids was because he was coked out of his freaking mind for a decade, so sit down and shut up.”

So now I will get ready for the inevitable slew of hate mail from King fans, but while I’m waiting for those, here are the Top Ten Ways I am Different that Stephen King and Thus Deserve a Hugo:

10.  I have never mistaken Barack Obama for Jesus. Not even in poor light.

9.  I have never written a book where the villian was a thinly veiled Dick Cheney.

8. I have never written a book based upon the Simpson’s movie.

7. If I had written Cujo, it would have been three pages. And most of that would have been a discussion over what is the best caliber for Saint Bernards.

6. I have never written myself into a corner at the end of an 800 page book, snorted a bunch of coccaine, and then exclaimed “HA! IT WAS A GIANT SPIDER ALL ALONG!”

5. When I write a book about a gun expert accountant who can take a punch, then critics say it is a horrible Mary Sue. When Stephen King writes fifty six books where the main character is a drug addled, depressed, whiney, victimized, helpless, alchoholic, sexually frustrated, daddy issues having, perverted, philandering, author from Maine, then it is brilliant literature.

4. I know to look both ways before crossing the street.

3. I know soldiers can read.

2. I can write an actual ending.

1. In addition to him being way more famous, selling way more books, and sleeping on a giant pile of money, he’s got a lot of awards and I don’t,


Tick off a critic today. For the children and the puppies.  Go here to buy your LonestarCon membership. You will need to register before the end of January, but then you have a couple of months to get your nomination in.

And thank you. Only you can save the pulp novelists.


EDIT: and I have been made aware of the Women typo, but it is actually kind of funny, so it stays. :D


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