Monster Hunter Nation, 3 MILLION hits

Wow. That milestone snuck up on me, but I guess that’s what happens when you have 350,000 new readers in a week. Now if only I could get all of them to buy stuff through the Amazon links off to the side, I could pay my house off…  :)

Blogging is weird. It took me like two years to get to half a million. Then it started climbing. When I broke the first million somebody asked how it felt, so I wrote the following crazy nonsense, and then I reposted it when we hit the 2 million mark too, so I guess since this is now tradtion, I have to repost this bit of sillyness. :)

So how awesome is getting 3 million hits on your blog? How does this make me feel?  Well, if I could paint you a picture, it would look something like this:

How about Conan punching a tyranosaurs in the face while Linnea Quigley (like she looked in the 80s) fights a hot zombie chick with a chainsaw, and Linnea is in a tank top that is all ripped and about to fall off, and they’re on top of a speeding monster truck painted in tiger stripes playing a sound track by Dokken, and the monster truck is jumping over a tank that is exploding and there are ninjas flying everywhere on bullet bikes while pterodactyls shooting laser beams out of their eyes cause a big explosion with a massive fireball and then there’s like tigers with wings shooting out of the ground and theres like this skeleton, but the skeleton is wearing a chainmail bikini so you know that it was like totally a hot chick once too, but then like there’s this dude who looks like a samurai, but he’s fighting a cowboy, and blocking the cowboy’s bullets with his katana, because it is a LASER KATANA!  But then the samurai is totally Chow Yun Fat and the cowboy is Chuck Norris, and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bullets in mid air to make them go faster, and there should be lightning bolts coming out of the sky, and then have like a big laughing skull behind it all, and the skull should totally be Hitler! because then you know he’s the badguy, and he should have that little mustache, and Conan and Chuck Norris are all going to totally kick his ass. And make the pterodactyls red, and put like a hammer and sickle on them, so you know they’re totally evil communist dinosaur clones, and make the monster truck be shooting blue flames out the back from all the nitro and the big tires should have spikes, and like nazi zombies are totally trapped in the spikes! And then have more hot chicks on the side, only make one like a devil with a tail and a pitchfork, and then the other side the hot chick should be an angel, but make her look a little naughty, if you know what I mean. Then make it in 3D! So that everything jumps out at you, and add more explosions, so you’re all like WOOSH KaBLAAAM PoW! POW! POW!

And yes, that does still work. :)

An interview with me at Sci Fi Writer’s Chat

http://www.graspingforthewind.com/2012/12/27/sffwrtcht-a-chat-with-bestselling-author-larry-correia/

One bit from the bio was incorrect though, the first bestseller list I got on was Entertainment Weekly’s. I didn’t hit the NYT until Monster Hunter Vendetta.

Merry Late Christmas!

So the Correia family had an awesome Christmas. Here is a quick blog post catch up, because then I’ve got to get back to work.

My self imposed exile from the internet for a couple days was 99% effective, and I only got on to approve comments (which I only skimmed long enough to make sure they weren’t spambots) and to post a painted mini pic on Twitter. That’s pretty darn good for me, especially since my last blog post went viral.

For everyone asking if they can share that gun control opinion, please do. If I had realized that 300,000 people would read it this week I would’ve actually given it an editing pass. When I get a chance I will try to read through the 1,700 comments and try to respond to some of the FAQs. It seems that the mega post was shared a lot, helped educate, and even made some people rethink their beliefs. Awesome.

I met a lot of new, interesting people this week because of this blog post. I got retweeted by Adam Baldwin (very conservative) and ended up having a conversation with Sean Astin (very reasonable democrat trying to look at both sides of the issues, and really nice guy, so I gained a lot of respect for him),  so as a geek, that made for an interesting day.  Now I’m going to go wear Jayne hat and watch Lord of the Rings.

The rest of this week I will be working on Warbound, which is out in August 2013. It is coming along pretty well, and I think it is a great story.

I just wrote a bunch of stuff for the MHI RPG, including some really fun little bits of fiction, including Holly saving Christmas, Owen and Milo do an inventory, Ultimate Fighting Lawyer v. Undead Lawyer in LAWYER FIGHT (in an elevator), and a behind the scenes of how orcs find their talents in Reckoning Day.

I’ve been checking on the art work for the RPG, and let me tell you guys, it is absolutely awesome. We’ve got some amazing artists on this and the stuff they are turning in has blown me away. For those of you who missed the MHI Employee Handbook Kickstarter, don’t worry, because it will still be on sale in 2013.

Baen books are now available in the Kindle store as of last week, which has been nifty. I checked my Amazon affiliates stats for the month (whenever you buy anything through Amazon through any of my links off to the right, I get a % for the refferal) and I can see that a bunch of people have bought eBooks this week through there. Thank you. Anytime you buy through Amazon that gives me more money to blow on ammo and miniatures. :)

Speaking of miniatures, FRP had their super end of the world blowout sale, so I’ve got enough lead being shipped to my house that I’ll have stuff to paint until I die… And at my current Sunday afternoon painting rate, that should be sometime in 2185.

Everyone here had a great Christmas. The kids are getting older, but young enough that the “Santa” magic is still there for some of them, and the youngest was super happy to play with the wrappers.

My family has been truly blessed this year. Thank you, Monster Hunter Nation, for being the best readers and friends any writer could ever have. Merry (belated) Christmas. :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

And now for something fun, the cover of WARBOUND!

Coming in August 2013, the 3rd book in the Grimnoir Chronicles: WARBOUND.

Warboundcover (2)

An opinion on gun control

I didn’t want to post about this, because frankly, it is exhausting. I’ve been having this exact same argument for my entire adult life. It is not an exaggeration when I say that I know pretty much exactly every single thing an anti-gun person can say. I’ve heard it over and over, the same old tired stuff, trotted out every single time there is a tragedy on the news that can be milked. Yet, I got sucked in, and I’ve spent the last few days arguing with people who either mean well but are uninformed about gun laws and how guns actually work (who I don’t mind at all), or the willfully ignorant (who I do mind), or the obnoxiously stupid who are completely incapable of any critical thinking deeper than a Facebook meme (them, I can’t stand).

Today’s blog post is going to be aimed at the first group. I am going to try to go through everything I’ve heard over the last few days, and try to break it down from my perspective. My goal tonight is to write something that my regular readers will be able to share with their friends who may not be as familiar with how mass shootings or gun control laws work.

A little background for those of you who don’t know me, and this is going to be extensive so feel free to skip the next few paragraphs, but I need to establish the fact that I know what I am talking with, because I am sick and tired of my opinion having the same weight as a person who learned everything they know about guns and violence from watching TV.

I am now a professional novelist. However, before that I owned a gun store. We were a Title 7 SOT, which means we worked with legal machineguns, suppresors, and pretty much everything except for explosives. We did law enforcement sales and worked with equipment that is unavailable from most dealers, but that means lots and lots of government inspections and compliance paperwork. This means that I had to be exceedingly familiar with federal gun laws, and there are a lot of them. I worked with many companies in the gun industry and still have many friends and contacts at various manufacturers. When I hear people tell me the gun industry is unregulated, I have to resist the urge to laugh in their face.

I was also a Utah Concealed Weapons instructor, and was one of the busiest instructors in the state. That required me to learn a lot about self-defense laws, and because I took my job very seriously, I sought out every bit of information that I could. My classes were longer than the standard Utah class, and all of that extra time was spent on Use of Force, shoot/no shoot scenarios, and role playing through violent encounters. I have certified thousands of people to carry guns.

I have been a firearms instructor, and have taught a lot of people how to shoot defensively with handguns, shotguns, and rifles. For a few years of my life, darn near every weekend was spent at the range. I started out as an assistant for some extremely experienced teachers and I also had the opportunity to be trained by some of the most accomplished firearms experts in the world. The man I stole most of my curriculum from was a Lieutenant Colonel in the Army Special Forces, turned federal agent SWAT team commander. I took classes in everything from wound ballistics (10 hours of looking at autopsy slides) to high-speed cool-guy door-kicking stuff. I’ve worked extensively with military and law enforcement personnel, including force on force training where I played the OpFor (i.e. I got to be the bad guy, because I make an awesome bad guy. You tell me how evil/capable you want me to be, and how hard you want your men to work, and I’d make it happen, plus I can take a beating). Part of this required learning how mass shooters operate and studying the heck out of the actual events.

I have been a competition shooter. I competed in IPSC, IDPA, and 3gun. It was not odd for me to reload and shoot 1,000 rounds in any given week. I fired 20,000 rounds of .45 in one August alone. I’ve got a Remington 870 with approximately 160,000 rounds through it. I’ve won matches, and I’ve been able to compete with some of the top shooters in the country. I am a very capable shooter. I only put this here to convey that I know how shooting works better than the vast majority of the populace.

I have written for national publications on topics relating to gun law and use of force. I wrote for everything from the United States Concealed Carry Association to SWAT magazine. I was considered a subject matter expert at the state level, and on a few occasions was brought in to testify before the Utah State Legislature on the ramifications of proposed gun laws. I’ve argued with lawyers, professors, professional lobbyists, and once made a state rep cry.

Basically for most of my adult life, I have been up to my eyeballs in guns, self-defense instruction, and the laws relating to those things. So believe me when I say that I’ve heard every argument relating to gun control possible. It is pretty rare for me to hear something new, and none of this stuff is new.

Armed Teachers

So now that there is a new tragedy the president wants to have a “national conversation on guns”. Here’s the thing. Until this national conversation is willing to entertain allowing teachers to carry concealed weapons, then it isn’t a conversation at all, it is a lecture.

Now when I say teachers carrying concealed weapons on Facebook I immediately get a bunch of emotional freak out responses. You can’t mandate teachers be armed! Guns in every classroom! Emotional response! Blood in the streets!

No. Hear me out. The single best way to respond to a mass shooter is with an immediate, violent response. The vast majority of the time, as soon as a mass shooter meets serious resistance, it bursts their fantasy world bubble. Then they kill themselves or surrender. This has happened over and over again.

Police are awesome. I love working with cops. However any honest cop will tell you that when seconds count they are only minutes away. After Colombine law enforcement changed their methods in dealing with active shooters. It used to be that you took up a perimeter and waited for overwhelming force before going in. Now usually as soon as you have two officers on scene you go in to confront the shooter (often one in rural areas or if help is going to take another minute, because there are a lot of very sound tactical reasons for using two, mostly because your success/survival rates jump dramatically when you put two guys through a door at once. The shooter’s brain takes a moment to decide between targets). The reason they go fast is because they know that every second counts. The longer the shooter has to operate, the more innocents die.

However, cops can’t be everywhere. There are at best only a couple hundred thousand on duty at any given time patrolling the entire country. Excellent response time is in the three-five minute range. We’ve seen what bad guys can do in three minutes, but sometimes it is far worse. They simply can’t teleport. So in some cases that means the bad guys can have ten, fifteen, even twenty minutes to do horrible things with nobody effectively fighting back.

So if we can’t have cops there, what can we do?

The average number of people shot in a mass shooting event when the shooter is stopped by law enforcement: 14. The average number of people shot in a mass shooting event when the shooter is stopped by civilians: 2.5. The reason is simple. The armed civilians are there when it started.

The teachers are there already. The school staff is there already. Their reaction time is measured in seconds, not minutes. They can serve as your immediate violent response. Best case scenario, they engage and stop the attacker, or it bursts his fantasy bubble and he commits suicide. Worst case scenario, the armed staff provides a distraction, and while he’s concentrating on killing them, he’s not killing more children.

But teachers aren’t as trained as police officers! True, yet totally irrelevant. The teacher doesn’t need to be a SWAT cop or Navy SEAL. They need to be speed bumps.

But this leads to the inevitable shrieking and straw man arguments about guns in the classroom, and then the pacifistic minded who simply can’t comprehend themselves being mandated to carry a gun, or those that believe teachers are all too incompetent and can’t be trusted. Let me address both at one time.

Don’t make it mandatory. In my experience, the only people who are worth a darn with a gun are the ones who wish to take responsibility and carry a gun. Make it voluntary. It is rather simple. Just make it so that your state’s concealed weapons laws trump the Federal Gun Free School Zones act. All that means is that teachers who voluntarily decide to get a concealed weapons permit are capable of carrying their guns at work. Easy. Simple. Cheap. Available now.

Then they’ll say that this is impossible, and give me all sorts of terrible worst case scenarios about all of the horrors that will happen with a gun in the classroom… No problem, because this has happened before. In fact, my state laws allow for somebody with a concealed weapons permit to carry a gun in a school right now. Yes. Utah has armed teachers. We have for several years now.

When I was a CCW instructor, I decided that I wanted more teachers with skin in the game, so I started a program where I would teach anybody who worked at a school for free. No charge. Zip. They still had to pay the state for their background check and fingerprints, but all the instruction was free. I wanted more armed teachers in my state.

I personally taught several hundred teachers. I quickly discovered that pretty much every single school in my state had at least one competent, capable, smart, willing individual. Some schools had more. I had one high school where the principal, three teachers, and a janitor showed up for class. They had just had an event where there had been a threat against the school and their resource officer had turned up AWOL. This had been a wake up call for this principal that they were on their own, and he had taken it upon himself to talk to his teachers to find the willing and capable. Good for them.

After Virginia Tech, I started teaching college students for free as well. They were 21 year old adults who could pass a background check. Why should they have to be defenseless?  None of these students ever needed to stop a mass shooting, but I’m happy to say that a couple of rapists and muggers weren’t so lucky, so I consider my time well spent.

Over the course of a couple years I taught well over $20,000 worth of free CCW classes. I met hundreds and hundreds of teachers, students, and staff. All of them were responsible adults who understood that they were stuck in target rich environments filled with defenseless innocents. Whether they liked it or not, they were the first line of defense. It was the least I could do.

Permit holders are not cops. The mistake many people make is that they think permit holders are supposed to be cops or junior danger rangers. Not at all. Their only responsibility is simple. If someone is threatening to cause them or a third person serious bodily harm, and that someone has the ability, opportunity, and is acting in a manner which suggest they are a legitimate threat, then that permit holder is allowed to use lethal force against them.

As of today the state legislatures of Texas, Tennessee, and Oklahoma are looking at revamping their existing laws so that there can be legal guns in school. For those that are worried these teachers will be unprepared, I’m sure there would be no lack of instructors in those states who’d be willing to teach them for free.

For everyone, if you are sincere in your wish to protect our children, I would suggest you call your state representative today and demand that they allow concealed carry in schools.

Gun Free Zones

Gun Free Zones are hunting preserves for innocent people. Period.

Think about it. You are a violent, homicidal madman, looking to make a statement and hoping to go from disaffected loser to most famous person in the world. The best way to accomplish your goals is to kill a whole bunch of people. So where’s the best place to go shoot all these people? Obviously, it is someplace where nobody can shoot back.

In all honesty I have no respect for anybody who believes Gun Free Zones actually work. You are going to commit several hundred felonies, up to and including mass murder, and you are going to refrain because there is a sign? That No Guns Allowed sign is not a cross that wards off vampires. It is wishful thinking, and really pathetic wishful thinking at that.

The only people who obey No Guns signs are people who obey the law. People who obey the law aren’t going on rampages.

I testified before the Utah State Legislature about the University of Utah’s gun ban the day after the Trolley Square shooting in Salt Lake City. Another disaffected loser scumbag started shooting up this mall. He killed several innocent people before he was engaged by an off duty police officer who just happened to be there shopping. The off duty Ogden cop pinned down the shooter until two officers from the SLCPD came up from behind and killed the shooter. (turned out one of them was a customer of mine) I sent one of my employees down to Trolley Square to take a picture of the shopping center’s front doors. I then showed the picture to the legislators. One of the rules was NO GUNS ALLOWED.

The man that attacked the midnight showing of Batman didn’t attack just any theater. There were like ten to choose from. He didn’t attack the closest. It wasn’t about biggest or smallest. He attacked the one that was posted NO GUNS ALLOWED.

There were four mass killing attempts this week. Only one made the news because it helped the agreed upon media narrative.

  1. Oregon. NOT a gun free zone. Shooter confronted by permit holder. Shooter commits suicide. Only a few casualties.
  2. Texas. NOT a gun free zone. Shooter killed immediately by off duty cop. Only a few casualties.
  3. Connecticut. GUN FREE ZONE. Shooters kills until the police arrive. Suicide. 26 dead.
  4. China. GUN FREE COUNTRY. A guy with a KNIFE stabs 22 children.

And here is the nail in the coffin for Gun Free Zones. Over the last fifty years, with only one single exception (Gabby Giffords), every single mass shooting event with more than four casualties has taken place in a place where guns were supposedly not allowed.

The Media

Every time there is a mass shooting event, the vultures launch. I find it absolutely fascinating. A bunch of people get murdered, and the same usual suspects show up with the same tired proposals that we’ve either tried before or logic tells us simply will not work. They strike while the iron is hot, trying to push through legislation before there can be coherent thought. We’ve seen this over and over and over again. We saw it succeed in England. We saw it succeed in Australia. We’ve seen it succeed here before.

Yet when anyone from my side responds, then we are shouted at that we are blood thirsty and how dare we speak in this moment of tragedy, and we should just shut our stupid mouths out of respect for the dead, while they are free to promote policies which will simply lead to more dead… If the NRA says something they are bloodthirsty monsters, and if they don’t say something then their silence is damning guilt. It is hypocritical in the extreme, and when I speak out against this I am called every name in the book, I want dead children, I’m a cold hearted monster (the death threats are actually hilarious). If I become angry because they are promoting policies which are tactically flawed and which will do the exact opposite of the stated goals, then I am a horrible person for being angry. Perhaps I shouldn’t be allowed to own guns at all.

But that’s not why I want to talk about the media. I want to talk about the media’s effect on the shooters.

Put yourself in the shoes of one of these killers. One nice thing about playing the villain and being a punching bag for cops, soldiers, and permit holders is that you need to learn about how the bad guys think and operate. And most of the mass shooters fit a similar profile.

The vast majority (last I saw it was over 80%) are on some form of psychotropic drug and has been for many years. They have been on Zoloft or some serotonin inhibitor through their formative years, and their decision making process is often flawed. They are usually disaffected, have been bullied, pushed around, and have a lot of emotional problems. They are delusional. They see themselves as victims, and they are usually striking back at their peer group.

These people want to make a statement. They want to show the world that they aren’t losers. They want to make us understand their pain. They want to make their peer group realize that they are powerful. They’ll show us. The solution is easy. It’s right there in front of your nose.

If you can kill enough people at one time, you’ll be on the news, 24/7, round the clock coverage. You will become the most famous person in the world. Everyone will know your name. You become a celebrity. Experts will try to understand what you were thinking. Hell, the President of the United States, the most important man in the world, will drop whatever he is doing and hold a press conference to talk about your actions, and he’ll even shed a single manly tear.

You are a star.

Strangely enough, this is one of the only topics I actually agree with Roger Ebert on. He didn’t think that the news should cover the shooters or mention their names on the front page of the paper. So whenever the press isn’t talking about guns, or violent movies, or violent video games, or any other thing that hundreds of millions of people participated in yesterday without murdering anybody, they’ll keep showing the killer’s picture in the background while telling the world all about him and his struggles.

And then the cycle repeats, as the next disaffected angry loner takes notes.

They should not be glamorized. They should be hated, despised, and forgotten. They are not victims. They are not powerful. They are murdering scum, and the only time their names should be remembered is when people like me are studying the tactics of how to neutralize them faster.

 

Mental Health Issues

And right here I’m going to show why I’m different than the people I’ve been arguing with the last few days. I am not an expert on mental health issues or psychiatry or psychology. My knowledge of criminal psychology is limited to understanding the methods of killers enough to know how to fight them better.

So since I don’t have enough first-hand knowledge about this topic to comment intelligently, then I’m not going to comment… Oh please, if only some of the people I’ve been arguing with who barely understand that the bullets come out the pointy end of the gun would just do the same.

 

Gun Control Laws

As soon as there is a tragedy there comes the calls for “We have to do something!” Sure, the something may not actually accomplish anything as far as solving whatever the tragedy was or preventing the next one, but that’s the narrative. Something evil happened, so we have to do something, and preferably we have to do it right now before we think about it too hard.

The left side of the political spectrum loves it some gun control. Gun control is historically extremely unpopular in red state and purple state America, and thus very hard to pass bit stuff, but there’s a century’s accumulation of lots and lots of small ones. There have been a handful of major federal laws passed in the United States relating to guns, but the majority of really strict gun control has primarily been enacted in liberal dominated urban areas. There are over 20,000 gun laws on the books, and I have no idea how many pages of regulations from the BATF related to the production and selling of them. I’ve found that the average American is extremely uneducated about what gun laws already exist, what they actually do, and even fundamental terminology, so I’m going to go through many of the things I’ve seen argued about over the last few days and elaborate on them one by one.

I will leave out the particularly crazy things I was confronted with, including the guy who was in favor of mandating “automatic robot gun turrets” in schools. Yes. Heaven forbid we let a teacher CCW, so let’s put killer robots (which haven’t actually been invented yet) in schools. Man, I wish I was making this up, but that’s Facebook for you.

We need to ban automatic weapons.

Okay. Done. In fact, we pretty much did that in 1934. The National Firearms Act of 1934 made it so that you had to pay a $200 tax on a machinegun and register it with the government. In 1986 that registry was closed and there have been no new legal machineguns for civilians to own since then.

Automatic means that when you hold down the trigger the gun keeps on shooting until you let go or run out of ammo. Actual automatic weapons cost a lot of money. The cheapest one you can get right now is around $5,000 as they are all collector’s items and you need to jump through a lot of legal hoops to get one. To the best of my knowledge, there has only ever been one crime committed with an NFA weapon in my lifetime, and in that case the perp was a cop.

Now are machineguns still used in crimes? Why, yes they are. For every legally registered one, there are conservatively dozens of illegal ones in the hands of criminals. They either make their own (which is not hard to do) or they are smuggled in (usually by the same people that are able to smuggle in thousands of tons of drugs). Because really serious criminals simply don’t care, they are able to get ahold of military weapons, and they use them simply because criminals, by definition, don’t obey the law. So even an item which has been basically banned since my grandparents were kids, and which there has been no new ones allowed manufactured since I was in elementary school, still ends up in the hands of criminals who really want one. This will go to show how effective government bans are.

When you say “automatic” you mean full auto, as in a machinegun. What I think most of these people mean is semi-auto.

Okay. We need to ban semi-automatic weapons!

Semi-automatic means that each time you pull the trigger the action cycles and loads another round. This is the single most common type of gun, not just in America, but in the whole world. Almost all handguns are semi-automatic. The vast majority of weapons used for self-defense are semi-automatic, as are almost all the weapons used by police officers.  It is the most common because it is normally the most effective.

Semi-automatic is usually best choice for defensive use. It is easier to use because you can do so one handed if necessary, and you are forced to manipulate your weapon less. If you believe that using a gun for self-defense is necessary, then you pretty much have to say that semi-auto is okay.

Banning semi-automatic basically means banning all guns. I’ll get to the functional problems with that later.

We should ban handguns!

Handguns are tools for self-defense, and the only reason we use them over the more capable, and easier to hit with rifles or shotguns is because handguns are portable. Rifles are just plain better, but the only reason I don’t carry an AR-15 around is because it would be hard to hide under my shirt.

Concealed Carry works. As much as it offends liberals and we keep hearing horror stories about blood in the streets, the fact is over my lifetime most of the United States has enacted some form of concealed carry law, and the blood in the streets wild west shootouts over parking spaces they’ve predicted simply hasn’t happened. At this point in time there are only a few hold out states, all of them are blue states and all of them have inner cities which suffer from terrible crime, where once again, the criminals simply don’t care.

For information about how more guns actually equals less crime, look up the work of Dr. John Lott. And since liberals hate his guts, look up the less famous work of Dr. Gary Kleck, or basically look up the work of any criminologist or economist who isn’t writing for Slate or Mother Jones.

As for why CCW is good, see my whole first section about arming teachers for a tiny part of the whole picture. Basically bad people are going to be bad and do bad things. They are going to hurt you and take your stuff, because that’s what they do. That’s their career, and they are as good at it as you are at your job. They will do this anywhere they think they can get away with it.  We fixate on the mass shooters because they grab the headlines, but in actuality your odds of running in to one of them is tiny. Your odds of having a violent encounter with a run of the mill criminal is orders of magnitudes higher.

I do find one thing highly amusing. In my personal experience, some of the most vehement anti-gun people I’ve ever associated with will usually eventually admit after getting to know me, that if something bad happened, then they really hope I’m around, because I’m one of the good ones. Usually they never realize just how hypocritical and naïve that is.

We should ban Assault Rifles!

Define “assault rifle”…

Uh…

Yeah. That’s the problem. The term assault rifle gets bandied around a lot. Politically, the term is a loaded nonsense one that was created back during the Clinton years. It was one of those tricks where you name legislation something catchy, like PATRIOT Act. (another law rammed through while emotions were high and nobody was thinking, go figure).

To gun experts, an assault rifle is a very specific type of weapon which originated (for the most part) in the 1940s. It is a magazine fed, select fire (meaning capable of full auto), intermediate cartridge (as in, actually not that powerful, but I’ll come back to that later) infantry weapon.

The thing is, real assault rifles in the US have been heavily regulated since before they were invented. The thing that the media and politicians like to refer to as assault rifles is basically a catch all term for any gun which looks scary.

I had somebody get all mad at me for pointing this out, because they said that the term had entered common usage. Okay… If you’re going to legislate it, DEFINE IT.

And then comes up that pesky problem. The US banned assault rifles once before for a decade and the law did absolutely nothing. I mean, it was totally, literally pointless. The special commission to study it said that it accomplished absolutely nothing. (except tick a bunch of Americans off, and as a result we bought a TON more guns) And the reason was that since assault weapon is a nonsense term, they just came up with a list of arbitrary features which made a gun into an assault weapon.

Problem was, none of these features actually made the gun functionally any different or somehow more lethal or better from any other run of the mill firearm. Most of the criteria were so silly that they became a huge joke to gun owners, except of course, for that part where many law abiding citizens accidentally became instant felons because one of their guns had some cosmetic feature which was now illegal.

One of the criteria was that it was semi-automatic. See above. Hard to ban the single most common and readily available type of gun in the world. (unless you believe in confiscation, but I’ll get to that). Then what if it takes a detachable magazine! That’s got to be an Evil Feature. And yes, we really did call the Evil Features. I’ll talk about magazines below, but once again, it is pretty hard to ban something that common unless you want to go on a confiscatory national suicide mission.

For example, flash hiders sound dangerous. Let’s say having a flash hider makes a gun an assault weapon. So flash hiders became an evil feature. Problem is flash hiders don’t do much. They screw onto the end of your muzzle and divert the flash off to the side instead of straight up so it isn’t as annoying when you shoot. It doesn’t actually hide the flash from anybody else. EVIL.

Barrel shrouds were listed. Barrel shrouds are basically useless, cosmetic pieces of metal that go over the barrel so you don’t accidentally touch it and burn your hand. But they became an instantaneous felony too. Collapsible stocks make it so you can adjust your rifle to different size shooters, that way a tall guy and his short wife can shoot the same gun. Nope. EVIL FEATURE!

It has been a running joke in the gun community ever since the ban passed. When Carolyn McCarthy was asked by a reporter what a barrel shroud was, she replied “I think it is the shoulder thing which goes up.”  Oh good. I’m glad that thousands of law abiding Americans unwittingly committed felonies because they had a cosmetic piece of sheet metal on their barrel, which has no bearing whatsoever on crime, but could possibly be a shoulder thing which goes up.

Now are you starting to see why “assault weapons” is a pointless term? They aren’t functionally any more powerful or deadly than any normal gun. In fact the cartridges they normally fire are far less powerful than your average deer hunting rifle. Don’t worry though, because the same people who fling around the term assault weapons also think of scoped deer rifles as “high powered sniper guns”.

Basically, what you are thinking of as assault weapons aren’t special.

Now, the reason that semi-automatic, magazine fed, intermediate caliber rifles are the single most popular type of gun in America is because they are excellent for many uses, but I’m not talking about fun, or hunting, or sports, today I’m talking business. And in this case they are excellent for shooting bad people who are trying to hurt you, in order to make them stop trying to hurt you. These types of guns are superb for defending your home. Now some of you may think that’s extreme. That’s because everything you’ve learned about gun fights comes from TV. Just read the link where I expound on why.

http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2007/09/20/carbine-vs-shotgun-vs-pistol-for-home-defense/

I had one individual tell me that these types of guns are designed to slaughter the maximum number of people possible as quickly as possible… Uh huh… Which is why every single police department in America uses them, because of all that slaughtering cops do daily. Cops use them for the same reason we do, they are handy, versatile, and can stop an attacker quickly in a variety of circumstances.

When I said “stop an attacker quickly” somebody on Twitter thought that he’d gotten me and said “Stop. That’s just a euphemism for kill!” Nope. I am perfectly happy if the attacker surrenders or passes out from blood loss too. Tactically and legally, all I care about is making them stop doing whatever it is that they are doing which caused me to shoot them to begin with.

The guns that many of you think of as assault rifle are common and popular because they are excellent for fighting, and I’ll talk about what my side really thinks about the 2nd Amendment below.

We should ban magazines over X number of shots!

I’ve seen this one pop up a lot. It sounds good to the ear and really satisfies that we’ve got to do something need. It sounds simple. Bad guys shoot a lot of people in a mass shooting. So if he has magazines that hold fewer rounds, ergo then he’ll not be able to shoot as many people.

Wrong. And I’ll break it down, first why my side wants more rounds in our gun, second why tactically it doesn’t really stop the problem, and third, why stopping them is a logistical impossibility.

First off, why do gun owners want magazines that hold more rounds? Because sometimes you miss. Because usually—contrary to the movies—you have to hit an opponent multiple times in order to make them stop. Because sometimes you may have multiple assailants. We don’t have more rounds in the magazine so we can shoot more, we have more rounds in the magazine so we are forced to manipulate our gun less if we have to shoot more.

The last assault weapons ban capped capacities at ten rounds. You quickly realize ten rounds sucks when you take a wound ballistics class like I have and go over case after case after case after case of enraged, drug addled, prison hardened, perpetrators who soaked up five, seven, nine, even fifteen bullets and still walked under their own power to the ambulance. That isn’t uncommon at all. Legally, you can shoot them until they cease to be a threat, and keep in mind that what normally causes a person to stop is loss of blood pressure, so I used to tell my students that anybody worth shooting once was worth shooting five or seven times. You shoot them until they leave you alone.

Also, you’re going to miss. It is going to happen. If you can shoot pretty little groups at the range, those groups are going to expand dramatically under the stress and adrenalin. The more you train, the better you will do, but you can still may miss, or the bad guy may end up hiding behind something which your bullets don’t penetrate. Nobody has ever survived a gunfight and then said afterwards, “Darn, I wish I hadn’t brought all that extra ammo.”

So having more rounds in the gun is a good thing for self-defense use.

Now tactically, let’s say a mass shooter is on a rampage in a school. Unless his brain has turned to mush and he’s a complete idiot, he’s not going to walk up right next to you while he reloads anyway. Unlike the CCW holder who gets attacked and has to defend himself in whatever crappy situation he finds himself in, the mass shooter is the aggressor. He’s picked the engagement range. They are cowards who are murdering running and hiding children, but don’t for a second make the mistake of thinking they are dumb. Many of these scumbags are actually very intelligent. They’re just broken and evil.

In the cases that I’m aware of where the shooter had guns that held fewer rounds they just positioned themselves back a bit while firing or they brought more guns, and simply switched guns and kept on shooting, and then reloaded before they moved to the next planned firing position. Unless you are a fumble fingered idiot, anybody who practices in front of a mirror a few dozen times can get to where they can insert a new magazine into a gun in a few seconds.

A good friend of mine (who happens to be a very reasonable democrat) was very hung up on this, sure that he would be able to take advantage of the time in which it took for the bad guy to reload his gun. That’s a bad assumption, and here’s yet another article that addresses that sort of misconception that I wrote several years ago which has sort of made the rounds on firearm’s forums. http://www.northeastshooters.com/vbulletin/threads/45671-My-Gunfight-quot-Thinking-Outside-Your-Box-quot  So that’s awesome if it happens, but good luck with that.

Finally, let’s look at the logistical ramifications of another magazine ban. The AWB banned the production of all magazines over ten rounds except those marked for military or law enforcement use, and it was a felony to possess those.

Over the ten years of the ban, we never ran out. Not even close. Magazines are cheap and basic. Most of them are pieces of sheet metal with some wire. That’s it. Magazines are considered disposable so most gun people accumulate a ton of them. All it did was make magazines more expensive, ticked off law abiding citizens, and didn’t so much as inconvenience a single criminal.

Meanwhile, bad guys didn’t run out either. And if they did, like I said, they are cheap and basic, so you just get or make more. If you can cook meth, you can make a functioning magazine. My old company designed a rifle magazine once, and I’m no engineer. I paid a CAD guy, spent $20,000 and churned out several thousand 20 round Saiga .308 mags. This could’ve been done out of my garage.

Ten years. No difference. Meanwhile, we had bad guys turning up all the time committing crimes, and guess what was marked on the mags found in their guns? MILITARY AND LAW ENFORCEMENT USE ONLY. Because once again, if you’re already breaking a bunch of laws, they can only hang you once. Criminals simply don’t care.

Once the AWB timed out, because every politician involved looked at the mess which had been passed in the heat of the moment, the fact it did nothing, and the fact that every single one of them from a red state would lose their job if they voted for a new one, it expired and went away. Immediately every single gun person in America went out and bought a couple guns which had been banned and a bucket of new magazines, because nothing makes an American want to do something more than telling them they can’t. We’ve been stocking up ever since. If the last ban did literally nothing at all over a decade, and since then we’ve purchased another hundred million magazines since then, another ban will do even less. (except just make the law abiding that much angrier, and I’ll get to that below).

I bought $600 worth of magazines for my competition pistol this morning. I’ve already got a shelf full for my rifles. Gun and magazine sales skyrocket every time a democrat politician starts to vulture in on a tragedy. I don’t know if many of you realize this, but Barack Obama is personally responsible for more gun sales, and especially first time gun purchases, than anyone in history. When I owned my gun store, we had a picture of him on the wall and a caption beneath it which said SALESMAN OF THE YEAR.

So you can ban this stuff, but it won’t actually do anything to the crimes you want to stop. Unless you think you can confiscate them all, but I’ll talk about confiscation later.

One last thing to share about the magazine ban from the AWB, and this is something all gun people know, but most anti-gunners do not. When you put an artificial cap on a weapon, and tell us that we can only have a limited number of rounds in that weapon, we’re going to make sure they are the most potent rounds possible. Before the ban, everybody bought 9mms which held an average of 15 rounds. After the ban, if I can only have ten rounds, they’re going to be bigger, so we all started buying 10 shot .45s instead.

You don’t need an assault weapon for hunting!

Who said anything about hunting? That whole thing about the 2nd Amendment being for sportsmen is hogwash. The 2nd Amendment is about bearing arms to protect yourself from threats, up to and including a tyrannical government.

Spare me the whole, “You won’t be happy until everybody has nuclear weapons” reductio ad absurdum. It says arms, as in things that were man portable. And as for the founding fathers not being able to see foresee our modern arms, you forget that many of them were inventors, and multi shot weapons were already in service. Not to mention that in that day, arms included cannon, since most of the original artillery of the Continental Army was privately owned. Besides, the Supreme Court agrees with me. See DC v. Heller.

Well we should just ban ALL guns then! You only need them to murder people!

It doesn’t really make sense to ban guns, because in reality what that means is that you are actually banning effective self-defense. Despite the constant hammering by a news media with an agenda, guns are used in America far more to stop crime than to cause crime.

I’ve seen several different sets of numbers about how many times guns are used in self-defense every year. The problem with keeping track of this stat is that the vast majority of the time when a gun is produced in a legal self-defense situation no shots are fired. The mere presence of the gun is enough to cause the criminal to stop.

Clint Smith once said if you look like food, you will be eaten. Criminals are looking for prey. They are looking for easy victims. If they wanted to work hard for a living they’d get a job. So when you pull a gun, you are no longer prey, you are work, so they are going to go find somebody else to pick on.

So many defensive gun uses never get tracked as such. From personal experience, I have pulled a gun exactly one time in my entire life. I was legally justified and the bad guy stopped, put his gun away, and left. (15 years later the same son of a bitch would end up murdering a local sheriff’s deputy). My defensive gun use was never recorded anywhere as far as I know. My wife has pulled a gun twice in her life. Once on somebody who was acting very rapey who suddenly found a better place to be when she stuck a Ruger in his face, and again many years later on a German Shepherd which was attacking my one year old son. (amazingly enough a dog can recognize a 9mm coming out of a fanny pack and run for its life, go figure) No police report at all on the second one, and I don’t believe the first one ever turned up as any sort of defensive use statistic, all because no shots were fired.

So how often are guns actually used in self-defense in America? http://www.guncite.com/gun_control_gcdguse.html

On the high side the estimate runs around 2.5 million defensive gun uses a year, which dwarfs our approximately 16,000 homicides in any recent year, only 10k of which are with guns.  http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/homicide.htm Of those with guns, only a couple hundred are with rifles. So basically, the guns that the anti-gunners are the most spun up about only account for a tiny fraction of all our murders.

But let’s not go with the high estimate. Let’s go with some smaller ones instead. Let’s use the far more conservative 800,000 number which is arrived at in multiple studies. That still dwarfs the number of illegal shootings. Heck, let’s even run with the number once put out by the people who want to ban guns, the Brady Center, which was still around 108,000, which still is an awesome ratio of good vs. bad.

So even if you use the worst number provided by people who are just as biased as me but in the opposite direction, gun use is a huge net positive. Or to put it another way, the Brady Center hates guns so much that they are totally cool with the population of a decent sized city getting raped and murdered every year as collateral damage in order to get what they want.

Doesn’t matter. I don’t like them. We should ban them and take them all away like a civilized country.

Well, I suppose if your need to do something overrides all reason and logic, then by all means let’s ban guns.

Australia had a mass shooting and instituted a massive gun ban and confiscation (a program which would not work here, which I’ll get to, but let’s run with it anyway.). As was pointed out to me on Facebook, they haven’t had any mass shootings since. However, they fail to realize that they didn’t really have any mass shootings before either. You need to keep in mind that mass shooting are horrific headline grabbing statistical anomalies. You are far more likely to get your head caved in by a local thug while he’s trying to steal your wallet, and that probably won’t even make the evening news.

And violent crime is up in Australia. A cursory Google search will show articles about the increase in violent crime and theft, but then other articles pooh-pooing these stats as being insignificant and totally not related to the guns.

So then we’ve got England, where they reacted swiftly after a mass shooting, banned and confiscated guns, and their violent crime has since skyrocketed. Their stats are far worse than Australia, and they are now one of the more dangerous countries to live in the EU. Once again, cursory Google search will show articles with the stats, and other articles saying that those rises like totally have nothing to do with regular folks no longer being able to defend themselves… Sensing a trend yet?

And then we’ve got South Africa, which instituted some really hard core gun bans and some extremely strict controls, and their crime is now so high that it is basically either no longer tracked or simply not countable. But obviously, the totally unbiased news says that has absolutely nothing to do with people no longer being able to legally defend themselves.

Then you’ve got countries like Norway, with extremely strict gun control. Their gun control laws are simply incomprehensible to half of Americans. Not only that, they are an ethnically and socially homogenous, tiny population, well off country, without our gang violence or drug problems. Their gun control laws are draconian by our standards. They make Chicago look like Boise. Surely that level of gun control will stop school shootings! Except of course for 2011 when a maniac killed 77 and injured 242 people, a body count which is absurdly high compared to anything which has happened America.

Because once again, repeat it with me, criminals simply do not give a crap.

That mass killer used a gun and homemade explosives. Make guns harder to get, and explosives become the weapon of choice. Please do keep in mind that the largest and most advanced military coalition in human history was basically stymied for a decade by a small group using high school level chemistry and the Afghani equivalent to Radio Shack.

The biggest mass killings in US history have used bombs (like Bath, Michigan), fire (like Happyland Nightclub) or airliners. There is no law you can pass, nothing you can say or do, which will make some not be evil.

And all of this is irrelevant, because banning and confiscating all the scary guns in America will be national suicide.

You crazy gun nuts and your 2nd Amendment. We should just confiscate all the guns.

Many of you may truly believe that. You may think that the 2nd Amendment is archaic, outdated, and totally pointless. However, approximately half of the country disagrees with you, and of them, a pretty large portion is fully willing to shoot somebody in defense of it.

We’ve already seen that your partial bans are stupid and don’t do anything, so unless you are merely a hypocrite more interested in style rather than results, the only way to achieve your goal is to come and take the guns away. So let’s talk about confiscation.

They say that there are 80 million gun owners in America. I personally think that number is low for a few reasons. The majority of gun owners I know, when contacted for a phone survey and asked if they own guns, will become suspicious and simply lie. Those of us who don’t want to end like England or Australia will say that we lost all of our guns in a freak canoe accident.

Guns do not really wear out. I have perfectly functioning guns from WWI, and I’ve got friends who have still useable firearms from the 1800s. Plus we’ve been building more of them this entire time. There are more guns than there are people in America, and some of us have enough to arm our entire neighborhood.

But for the sake of math, let’s say that there are only 80 million gun owners, and let’s say that the government decides to round up all those pesky guns once and for all. Let’s be generous and say that 90% of the gun owners don’t really believe in the 2nd Amendment, and their guns are just for duck hunting. Which is what politicians keep telling us, but is actually rather hilarious when you think about how the most commonly sold guns in America are the same detachable magazine semiautomatic rifles I talked about earlier.

So ten percent refuse to turn their guns in. That is 8 million instantaneous felons. Let’s say that 90% of them are not wanting to comply out of sheer stubbornness. Let’s be super generous and say that 90% of them would still just roll over and turn their guns when pressed or legally threatened.   That leaves 800,000 Americans who are not turning their guns in, no matter what. To put that in perspective there are only about 700,000 police officers in the whole country.

Let’s say that these hypothetical 10% of 10% are willing to actually fight to keep their guns. Even if my hypothetical estimate of 800,000 gun nuts willing to fight for their guns is correct, it is still 97% higher than the number of insurgents we faced at any one time in Iraq, a country about the size of Texas.

However, I do honestly believe that it would be much bigger than 10%. Once the confiscations turned violent, then it would push many otherwise peaceful people over the edge. I saw somebody on Twitter post about how the 2nd Amendment is stupid because my stupid assault rifles are useless against drones… That person has obviously never worked with the people who build the drones, fly the drones, and service the drones. I have. Where to you think the majority of the US military falls on the political spectrum exactly? There’s a reason Mitt Romney won the military vote by over 40 points, and it wasn’t because of his hair.

And as for those 700,000 cops, how many of them would side with the gun owners? All the gun nuts, that’s for sure. As much as some people like to complain about the gun culture, many of the people you hire to protect you, and darn near all of them who can shoot well, belong to that gun culture. And as I hear people complain about the gun industry, like it is some nebulous, faceless, all powerful corporate thing which hungers for war and anarchy, I just have to laugh, because the gun industry probably has the highest percentage of former cops and former military of any industry in the country. My being a civilian was odd in the circles I worked in.  The men and women you pay to protect you have honor and integrity, and they will fight for what they believe in.

So the real question the anti-gun, ban and confiscate, crowd should be asking themselves is this, how many of your fellow Americans are you willing to have killed in order to bring about your utopian vision of the future?

Boo Evil Gun Culture!

Really? Because I hate to break it to you, but when nearly six hundred people get murdered a year in beautiful Gun Free Chicago, that’s not my people doing the shooting.

The gun culture is all around you, well obviously except for those of you reading this in elite liberal urban city centers where you’ve extinguished your gun culture. They are your friends, relatives, and coworkers. The biggest reason gun control has become increasingly difficult to pass over the last decade is because more and more people have turned to CCW, and as that has become more common, it has removed much of the stigma. Now everybody outside of elite urban liberal city centers knows somebody that carries a gun. The gun culture is simply regular America, and is made up of people who think their lives and their families lives are more important than the life of anyone who tries to victimize them.

The gun culture is who protects our country. Sure, there are plenty of soldiers and cops who are issued a gun and who use it as part of their job who could care less. However, the people who build the guns, really understand the guns, actually enjoy using the guns, and usually end up being picked to teach everybody else how to use the guns are the gun culture.

The media and the left would absolutely love to end the gun culture in America, because then they could finally pass all the laws they wanted.

Let’s take a look at what happens when a country finally succeeds in utterly stamping out its gun culture. Mumbai, 2008. Ten armed jihadi terrorists simply walked into town and started shooting people. It was a rather direct, straight forward, ham fisted, simple terrorist attack. They killed over 150 and wounded over 300. India has incredibly strict gun laws, but once again, criminals didn’t care.

That’s not my point this time however, I want to look at the response. These ten men shut down an entire massive city and struck fear into the hearts of millions for THREE DAYS. Depending on where this happened in America it would have been over in three minutes or three hours. The Indian police responded, but their tactics sucked. The marksmanship sucked. Their leadership sucked. Their response utterly and completely fell apart.

In talking afterwards with some individuals from a small agency of our government who were involved in the clean-up and investigation, all of whom are well trained, well practiced, gun nuts, they told me the problem was that the Indian police had no clue what to do because they’d never been taught what to do. Their leadership hated and feared the gun so much that they stamped out the ability for any of their men to actually master the tool. When you kill your gun culture, you kill off your instructors, and those who can pass down the information necessary to do the job.

Don’t think that we are so far off here. I recently got to sit down with some fans who are members of one of the larger metro police departments in America. These guys were all SWAT cops or narcotics, all of them were gun nuts who practiced on their own dime, and all of them were intimately familiar with real violence. These are the guys that you want responding when the real bad stuff goes down.

What they told me made me sick. Their leadership was all uniformly liberal and extremely anti-gun, just like most big cities in America. They walked me through what their responses were supposed to be in case of a Mumbai style event, and how their “scary assault weapons” were kept locked up where they would be unavailable, and how dismal their training was, and how since the state had run off or shut down most of the gun ranges, most of the cops couldn’t even practice or qualify anymore.

So now they were less safe, the people they were protecting were less safe, the bad guys were safer, but most importantly their leadership could pat themselves on the back, because they’d done something.

Well, okay. You make some good points. But I’d be more comfortable if you gun people were force to have more mandatory training!

And I did actually have this one said to me, which is an amazing victory by internet arguing standards.

Mandatory training is a placebo at best. Here is my take on why.

http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2008/05/20/mandatory-training-for-ccw/

 

In conclusion, basically it doesn’t really matter what something you pick when some politician or pundit starts screaming we’ve got to do something, because in reality, most of them already know a lot of what I listed above. The ones who are walking around with their security details of well-armed men in their well-guarded government buildings really don’t care about actually stopping mass shooters or bad guys, they care about giving themselves more power and increasing their control.

If a bad guy used a gun with a big magazine, ban magazines. If instead he used more guns, ban owning multiple guns. If he used a more powerful gun with less shots, ban powerful guns. If he used hollowpoints, ban hollowpoints. (which I didn’t get into, but once again, there’s a reason everybody who might have to shoot somebody uses them). If he ignored some Gun Free Zone, make more places Gun Free Zones. If he killed a bunch of innocents, make sure you disarm the innocents even harder for next time. Just in case, let’s ban other guns that weren’t even involved in any crimes, just because they’re too big, too small, too ugly, too cute, too long, too short, too fat, too thin, (and if you think I’m joking I can point out a law or proposed law for each of those) but most of all ban anything which makes some politician irrationally afraid, which luckily, is pretty much everything.

They will never be happy. In countries where they have already banned guns, now they are banning knives and putting cameras on every street. They talk about compromise, but it is never a compromise. It is never, wow, you offer a quick, easy, inexpensive, viable solution to ending mass shootings in schools, let’s try that. It is always, what can we take from you this time, or what will enable us to grow some federal apparatus?

Then regular criminals will go on still not caring, the next mass shooter will watch the last mass shooter be the most famous person in the world on TV, the media will keep on vilifying the people who actually do the most to defend the innocent, the ignorant will call people like me names and tell us we must like dead babies, and nothing actually changes to protect our kids.

If you are serious about actually stopping school shootings, contact your state representative and tell them to look into allowing someone at your kid’s school to be armed. It is time to install some speed bumps.

EDIT: I have been stunned by the level of response on this post. I wrote it so that it could be shared, but I had no idea just how much it would be, so thank you. I have received hundreds of comments, emails, and I don’t even know how many Twitter and Facebook messages. It is heartening that this made many people think about the issues in a new way.

I will try to respond and answer questions as I can, but there are a LOT of them, so I will probably take the most common ones and do another blog post when I have the chance. If your comment doesn’t appear immediately, that is because I have to approve first time posters manually to make sure they are not spambots.

 If I had realized 30,000 people would read this today I would have proof read it. When you find a typo or something that seems a bit rough, I wrote this 10k word essay from 9pm to 1am and posted it the next day at lunch. :)

For those of you who haven’t been here before, I make my living as a novelist. If you click any of the Amazon or B&N links off to the right side it will take you to one of my books. Thank you for your support, encouragement, and honest debate.

EDIT2 After two straight days of responding to as many debate posts in the comments as possible, I’m fried, and hanging it up for Christmas. I’ll still be approving posts periodically, but that’s it for me as far as arguing (and it has rapidly turned into the same thing over and over again)  This post has been read 150,000 times now, gotten national media attention, and been reposted all over the internet. Awesome. I was sincerely hoping people would share it, so thank you very much.  Have a Merry Christmas.

EDIT3 A month later and this post has been read about a million times and has received an unexpected amount of attention including national media coverage. Thank you to everyone for sharing it. For new visitors, if you would like to check out my regular work, you can click on any of the book covers linked on the right side of the page. Thanks.

Geeky Hobbies, Sunday Afternoon painting finished Monday Night. :)

Okay, I cheated. I didn’t write Monday night after work. Had to get this unit finished. This is for my Warmachine Mercenary army. Don’t worry. I’m back to work today. :)

A front

On the cloak, the picture doesn’t do it justice but this is the best color blending I have ever done.

A Back

And together, Lady Aiyanna & Master Holt:

A&H Front

A&H back

Edit to add a couple of late ones

Stannis

and the next project is a big one

galleon

galleon 2

EDIT: This is from January, but needed to host this on the blog so I could post it on the PP forum.

Galleon legs

The official Baen/Amazon announcement

http://file770.com/?p=11178  Sweet.

There you go. That should take care of my single most freqently asked question. :)

Geeky Hobbies: Sunday Afternoon Painting

So here’s my Work in Progress for today. One half of a Warmachine unit. He’s looking prety good so far.

Holt

CHRISTMAS NOUN 5: FIFTY SHADES OF NOUN, CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE EDITION

It is that time of year again, time for me to cash in and write a Christmas novel like all of those other novelists and their continually bestselling Christmas Jars, Christmas Boxes, Christmas Sweaters, Christmas Letters, and other assorted Christmas nouns.  

This has become a bit of a tradition here on Monster Hunter Nation, with me releasing excerpts from the Christmas Noun Saga every December. This is our fifth year of badly written Christmas adventure. I would really recommend going back and reading the previous ones first because this thing gets WEIRD.

2008: http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2008/12/22/the-christmas-noun/ Young Tim overcomes his hatred of Christmas to battle the Anti-Claus in the Peppermint Thunderdome.

2009: http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2009/12/08/the-christmas-noun-2-the-nounening/ Stabby the Snowman and the Global Warming Power of Love

2010: http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2010/12/10/the-christmas-noun-3d-the-gritty-reboot/ Rudolf and the Reindeer Seperatists declare jihad on Christmas.

2011: http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2011/12/19/christmas-noun-4-occupy-christmas-noun/ The Christmas Noun gets occupied by the 99%.

As a special bonus for making it five whole years, I want to give my loyal readers a peek behind the curtain so you can see the amount of intensive planning that goes into the creative process of every single Christmas Noun story.

DVD Bonus Feature: The Making of Christmas Noun 5.

Fortress Headquarters of CorreiaTech Interdimensional MegaCorporation.

Yard Moose Mountain, Republic of Utah. Earth #582-T-55455

“So gentlemen, my plans for universal domination are proceeding according to plan…” said the alternative universe version of Larry Correia, CEO of CorreiaTech, the single most powerful entity in all of the multiverse. “Everything except for our annual Christmas Noun story. So what’s the hold up on production, alternative universe Larry Correia, who somehow wound up as a novelist instead of a galactic space pirate?”

“Well, I’ve been busy,” said the alternative universe version of Larry Correia from Earth #582-T-55451 (i.e. this one). “We had another kid this year and—”

“Eh, whatever.” The powerfully corded muscles of his arm rippled dangerously as the CEO waved one great hand dismissively. “I have a harem of beautiful women that takes up half the palace. I’ve got so many kids I had to have my accountants make a spreadsheet to keep track of them.”

“Well, normally I would get started in November, but I was distracted with politics because of the election.”

“So who did your dimension elect as president?”

“Barack Obama.” The novelist had to wait for everyone in the boardroom to quit laughing at him. “Yeah, yeah. I know.”

“Seriously? Man, your universe sucks. We got Adam Baldwin and the Libertarian Space Cowboy Revolution for another term!” The CEO paused to run one hand through his mane of luxurious hair which was so thick and awesome that it was like a cross between an 80s hair metal video and a shampoo commercial. “Okay, so what do you have for me so far, baldy?”

“Well… We’ve got a few problems with the production of this year’s Christmas Noun.” Correia the writer checked his notes. “We’ve had some setbacks. James Cameron was under contract to direct, but he was killed in that freak reindeer accident. Focus groups said they want more dinosaurs and lasers, and hopefully a cameo from Tom Stranger.” Correia the writer paused to nod at Tom Stranger, Interdimensional Insurance Agent, who just happened to be attending the meeting.

“Hello,” said Tom Stranger.

“We tried the grown son angle to take over the franchise for our aging star last year, but that didn’t go over well with the test audiences.”

“That’s the same test audience that liked Honey Boo Boo.” The CEO snapped his fingers with the sound of thunder. “Have them killed.” Several of his minions immediately fled the room to fulfill his merciless bidding. “What else you got?”

Correia the writer swallowed nervously. “When a series is starting to get stale, the best thing to do is bring in the Rock. He’s like bacon bits for movies. Like Fast & Furious… The movie, not the gun running scandal.”

Correia the CEO looked to his Chief Financial Officer. “Wendell?”

Wendell the Manatee was floating peacefully in his tank. “Meew-whooooo.”

“That’s what I thought,” said the CEO. “We can’t afford the Rock. What else do you have for me?”

“Bruce Willis?”

“Meeeeeww-oooooo.” Wendell shook his ponderous bulk in the negative.

“You heard the manatee, Correia.” The CEO threw a handful of lettuce into the CFO’s tank as a reward. The manatee munched away happily. “We need to do something extra big this year. We need a hit.”

“How about we go for nostalgia? It is pretty crazy, but I was thinking of writing it Choose Your Own Adventure style, that way the readers can flip back and forth looking for which ending has the coolest picture, but you can never find the way to that one really badass looking ending with the Vikings and all the hot chicks.”

The CEO looked to his Insurance Agent. “Tom? Are we covered for that sort of thing?”

“That many readers, and that much raw probability could very well tear the fabric of the universe asunder…” Tom Stranger adjusted his bowtie thoughtfully. “Yes. You are covered for that.”

“Excellent. Do it… But I still think we need something extra.” Normally the evil alternative universe version of yourself had a goatee, but in this case, both Larry Correias had goatees, and so the powerful one stroked his goatee thoughtfully. Only his facial hair was more awesome. Sort of like Scott Ian’s from Anthrax, yet somehow even cooler. “Bring me the Critic.”

Some CorreiaTech minions dragged in a man shackled in chains and wearing nothing but rags. “Sir Steven J. Diamond, esquire. Professional Book Critic at your service.”

“Okay, Critic, what’s the hottest selling thing across the multiverse that we can rip off and make serious bank on right now?”

“That would have to be Fifty Shades of Grey, Mr. CEO, your lordship,” said the Critic. “I think, but I’ve been held captive in your torture dungeons ever since I gave your memoirs four stars, so I may be a little out of the loop.”

“It deserved FIVE!” The CEO roared. “Well then. Fifty Shades of Crap it is.”

“That’s just poorly written, grammatically incorrect, highly repetitive, unrealistic bondage porn for dissatisfied housewives!” exclaimed Correia the writer.

“Mewwwooooo,” said Wendel. “Moooooo-gurgle gurgle.”

“I think Wendell speaks for all of us by sharing such profound wisdom,” agreed the book critic.

“Excellent. You heard the manatee. Sex it up. This year’s Christmas Noun will be the S and M’iest Christmas ever. There better be some whips and chains and unrealistic expectations! Excellent. Somebody bring me a hippy to light my cigar on. Dismissed!”

“Who do you think I am? John Ringo? I don’t know how to write that kind of stuff!”

“Then hire some twelve year old boys to ghostwrite those scenes for you. They’ve got horrible imaginations and no understanding of biology or physics to hold them back.”

“Nooooo!” cried Correia the novelist, but it didn’t matter, because the minions were already dragging the poor writer from the boardroom. He continued shouting Noooooooo until they tossed him into the portal back to his dimension.

Correia the CEO laughed maniacally until he was interrupted by one of his minions. “Uh… Sorry, sir, but on that whole ‘have them killed’ order, did you mean the test audience or did you mean the cast of Honey Boo Boo?”

“The test audience of course. Why?”

“Uh… Whoops. Jerry fired up the Death Wombat without clarifying that first.” The minion shrugged. “Sorry?”

“But Honey Boo Boo is the Chosen One.” It was rare to see the CEO of CorreiaTech rattled. “The Mayan prophecy will be fulfilled! The end is at hand. You fool! You’ve doomed us all!”

Tom Stranger sighed. “I’ll get the claim paperwork started.”

“Mewwhoooooooo,” stated Wendell as he chewed his lettuce ominously.

#

Now we present you with excerpts from the forthcoming Christmas Classic, THE CHRISTMAS NOUN 5: Fifty Shades of Noun, Choose Your Own Adventure Edition.

Directed by Ang Lee. Soundtrack by Bjork.  

FROM PAGE 1

“Merry Christmas everyone!” said Tim as he passed out presents to all of the underprivileged orphans. “May the spirit of the Christmas Noun smile upon you this merry holiday season.” Tim wiped the sweat of his manly brow with his Santa hat. “Well, that’s all of the presents.”

“Good work, Tim,” said Santa Claus. “You got saving Christmas out of the way early this year.”

“Yeah. Those Christmas Draculas were no match for the power of the Christmas Noun and my Black Tiger Kung Fu. It’s just too bad that Sally Love-Interest couldn’t be here to enjoy it with me.” He paused to wipe away a solitary manly tear.

Santa shook his jolly head sadly. “Ho Ho Ho, Tim. You have my sincerest condolences that she contracted a rare case of Plot Necessary Death.” He patted Tim on the shoulder. “Especially since she had just been replaced with a younger, hotter actress last year in an attempt to boost ratings.”

“I know, Santa. I know… I’m afraid that I’ll just have to go off and be alone now. Especially since I’m a twenty seven year old, billionaire, philanthropist, fighter pilot, lawyer, doctor, astronaut, kung fu master, with rock hard abs and chiseled good looks, but I’m now hopelessly psychologically broken and need a loving and sexy hand to be put back together.”

“I think of you like a son, Tim,” Santa said. “So what you just said kind of creeped me out a little bit. But don’t worry. I’m sure there is some needy woman representing the wish fulfillment of ten million frustrated Twilight fan housewives out there looking for someone like you to fix.”

If you want Tim to go fight dinosaurs with lasers on their heads to save Christmas, turn to page 2.

If you think Tim should go pick up slutty chicks, turn to page 3.

If you are curious how Tim is all of those awesome things now, but he was an ex-con in the first episode, and how the heck is he only 27, when he had a grown son last episode, shut up because nobody likes a whiner, then turn to page 4.

From Page 2

Tim had suspected saving Christmas had been a little too easy this year, and he realized just how right he’d been when the diplodocus lumbered down the street. Now, Tim was no stranger to kung fu fighting all manner of weirdness on Christmas, but this was the first time he’d fought a dinosaur. The laser beams attached to its head were a nice touch.

If you want Tim to mediate this conflict in a non-violent manner by seeking out a mutually beneficial solution for all parties, turn to page 7.

If you want Tim to bust out some friggin’ awesome weaponry and put boot to dinosaur ass, turn to page 10.

From Page 3

“Well hello there,” Tim said to the woman as she arrived at the job interview for his new assistant Christmas saver. He looked over her resume. “So tell, me Ms. Wish-Fullfillment, why do you think you’d make a good personal assistant to me?”

“Please, just call me Anastasia.” She blushed and bit her lip.

“Anastasia Wish-Fullfillment.” Tim began to tear up a little. “I’m sorry. My dead wife had a hyphen in her last name too. I’m afraid that though I’m really good looking, and I’m super awesome at quite literally everything, I’m emotionally damaged in an easily correctable manner. So please forgive me if I suddenly get all emotional and passionate like.”

“Oh, I understand. I’m totally sheltered, completely naïve, and inexperienced about everything in life.” She blushed furiously and bit her lip furiously. “But despite my relative inexperience, I’m sure I’ll do all sorts of freaky stuff at the drop of a hat.”

“Okay. Cool.” Tim made a note on her resume. The note said HOT! But then he scribbled that out, because the HR manager didn’t like when he did that. Stupid Department of Labor and their lawsuits… “What other Christmas saving skills do you have?”

“Well, despite the fact I’m like a totally sheltered and naïve college student, I’m also a master at knot tying, acrobatics, stretching, pole dancing, country swing, trapeze… Let’s see, I’m a world champion bull rider. I can hold my breath for like eight minutes, and I carry a riding crop in my purse. You know… for emergencies.” She bit her lip sensuously and blushed purple.

“A little scary… So what’s with that lip thing and blushing weird colors? That’s just odd. It’s like you’re being written by somebody too hamfisted to give their characters realistic mannerisms. I mean seriously, if old women want to read porn, there’s plenty of well written and grammatically correct porn out there to choose from. It’s not like you have to settle for badly written trash.”

“Oh Tim!” Anastasia threw caution to the wind and gave in to her throbbing passions by displaying her heaving bosoms. “Let me fix your mental imbalance with acts of unspeakable passion illegal in several states!”

If you are just now realizing that Larry Correia has no business writing porn turn to page 2.

If you are the kind of person that can’t look away from a car wreck, and has to stop and gawk at the horror, turn to page 6.

From Page 4

Okay. I get it. None of this makes any sense. I am being held in this pit and forced to write Christmas books against my will. If you get this note, send for help. Please… For the love of all that’s holy, I don’t want to write Christmas stories anymore. Shhh… Don’t let him hear you.

“IT RUBS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN! OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN!”

Oh no! Buffalo Bill is back. Run. Hurry! Get help! Go! Go now!

“IT PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKET!”

Run! Run!

“YES, PRECIOUS. IT GETS THE HOSE.”

But you were too slow, and just like all of those Choose Your Own Adventure books you read as a kid where weird plot elements just came out of nowhere, like unicorns and crap, you tripped like an idiot, got captured by a serial killer, and he used your ears to sew into his new ear-suit.

The End.

From Page 6

Larry Correia had called in all sorts of favors to arrange the clandestine meeting at an Applebees in Tennessee. “Okay, John. You won a Romance Award. You’re my only hope. Please. I’ll totally owe you one. Just help me with these couple of nasty scenes for the Christmas Noun 5. Here’s the script.”

Super Author of Everything John Ringo took the script suspiciously and looked it over. He groaned. “This is terrible. That’s not even how that contraption works… I mean, seriously, with what you’ve got them doing with those straps could kill somebody. And you got the part with the oxen entirely wrong. The oxen have to be tame.

Correia shrugged. “I didn’t know. The instructions were in German. I just got confused.”

“This scene is so bad it makes me ashamed of words.” John Ringo scowled as he continued reading. “And really, Anastasia’s probably pretty flexible, but this part isn’t even anatomically possible. Damned amateurs.” He took out a red pen and started making corrections. “Here. Read this.”

Correia read the corrections and blushed furiously. “I can’t put this on the internet. My mom reads this blog.”

“I’m just getting warmed up. Check out the thing in the next paragraph with the Christmas lights.”

“Oh, John Ringo, no.”

“Put your big girl panties on and let me show you how it’s done.” Ringo took back the script. “Order some mozzarella sticks, newb. We’re going to be here for a while.”

If you want to read the super nasty scene with Tim, Anastasia, the weird 220 volt thing from Germany, and the tame oxen, put on your 3-D glasses and your leather riding boots, and turn to Page 11-51.

If you are now too ashamed to continue and Christmas has been ruined forever, you should see what the recommendation for Oprah’s Book Club is this week, turn to Page 52.

From Page 7

“Seriously? Non-violent conflict resolution and mediation? Why the hell are you reading a Larry Correia novel? It’s a freaking dinosaur… Okay, fine. Whatever. I’ll give it a shot. You’re the boss.” Tim said, before muttering under his breath. “Idiot.”

The diplodocus roared incoherently as it stepped on a nearby car. Then it saw the flashing red laser dot emanating from the laser on its head, got really excited, and started to chase it in a big circle, sort of like a 50 ton puppy.

You do not want to stand too close to a 50 ton puppy. SPLAT.

The End. Man. You suck at this.

From Page 10

The ensuing dinosaur fight was absolutely epic, filled with kung fu bad-assery, and more guns than the Expendables. Man. That was sweet. It was all like pow pow POW! BOOM! Rooooooar! Finally, Tim was able to run up the dinosaur’s back, grabbed it by the laser, and then used it to chop the dinosaur’s head off with its own laser. It then slammed into the ground and slid to a stop, all slow mo dramatic like.

Tim hopped off the dinosaur as it slowly slid to a big dead halt. “Now that’s more like the Christmas I know and love.” He high fives you. The action scene was so cool that you can actually feel the high five through the screen.

If you want Tim to go pick up slutty chicks now, turn to page 3

If the dinosaur fight was so freaking awesome, you want to do it again, turn to page 10

From Page 11-51

40 PAGES OF FILTH REDACTED BY WORDPRESS. YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT AND PURCHASE THE BOOK AT FULL RETAIL TO GET YOUR DEVIANT SMUT. (OR WAIT FOR THE INEVITABLE PIRATE SITES AT LEAST)

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES, READING THAT SORT OF THING IN PUBLIC. THERE ARE CHILDREN PRESENT. I MEAN REALLY, LADIES, JUST BECAUSE 50 SHADES OF GREY IS A POPULAR BESTSELLER IS NO REASON FOR YOU TO READ IT IN PUBLIC. YOU WOULDN’T READ HUSTLER ON THE BUS, AND HUSTLER IS PROBABLY BETTER WRITTEN!

THANK YOU,

-THE WORDPRESS MANAGEMENT

From Page 52

“Oh, what luck,” Anastasia said as they sat down in Oprah’s live studio audience. “We’re on one of Oprah’s Favorite Things Episodes.”

“What’s that supposed to be?” Tim asked sullenly, since Anastasia was pretty high maintenance and starting to get on his nerves… Not to mention all of those rug burns.

“It’s when she gets all drunk on power and gives out things like cars so that all of her followers continue to worship her like some sort of benevolent demigod.”

“Yeah…” Tim made a buzzing noise with his mouth. “Oh look at that. I’ve got a text from Santa.” He pretended to look at his phone. “Yep. Christmas Noun is like totally in danger.”

“From what now?” Anastasia asked.

“Uh… Army of Nut Crackers.”

“I’ve got one of those in my purse!”

“Yeah… Well… Okay, I’m out. Gotta run.”

“But, Tim, wait!”

“I’ll totally call you,” Tim shouted as he used his grappling hook gun to pull himself through a skylight. Tim ran for his life and didn’t look back.

But Anastasia was too excited to notice, because Oprah had come out on stage.

“And you get a honey badger! And you get a honey badger!” Oprah shrieked as the audience went wild. “Look under your seat, because everybody gets a rabid honey badger!”

And Anastasia and the entire Oprah studio audience were torn apart by honey badgers, because honey badgers really do care about Christmas.

#

From Page 115

Christmas was nearly over, and Tim had used the Power of the Christmas Noun to save the day again, but he wasn’t feeling particularly heroic. He had gone back to his Black Tiger Kung Fu Dojo and Mall Santa Academy for Inner City Youths, alone and missing Sally Love-Interest, and was busy cleaning dinosaur blood off of his samurai sword when there came a rustle from the fireplace.

Tim lifted his samurai sword. “Santa? That you?” Always paranoid, Tim approached the fireplace cautiously.

Suddenly a completely average looking man in a neat suit and bowtie came neatly down the chimney.  Tim swung the sword, but the man simply blocked it with an invisible energy shield. “Please, Tim. There is no need for violence, and your dimension’s low tech weapons are no match for a CorreiaTech energy shield.”

“Who are you?” Tim demanded. “Start explaining, jackass, while I go get something stabbier.”

“I’m Tom Stranger.” The man handed over a business card. “Stranger and Stranger Interdimensional Insurance. You have a policy with us.”

“Yeah… I got the Christmas Noun insured last year.” Tim had almost forgotten about it.

“Not just that, Tim. You got our comprehensive plan, and I’ve got good news for you. That also covers acts of Plot Necessary Death.” Tom stepped out of the way, revealing somebody else awkwardly trying to make her way down the chimney. “Hmm…. It would appear she’s gotten stuck.”

“Sally Love-Interest?”

“Hrmmph, hfmrump, uck!” Sally exclaimed from inside the chimney.

“Indeed,” Tom Stranger agreed.  “Remember, you’re in Strange Hands with Stranger and Stranger.”

Tim went over and grabbed onto the kicking ankles. Sally always did have a knack for getting stuck in things like mailboxes, escalators, washing machines, etc. It took a few good tugs but he got her freed from the chimney. “Oh Sally! You’re alive!”

“Yes, Tim. It turns out that I didn’t have Plot Necessary Death. The author felt really bad for you so he changed that so I was just in a Plot Necessary Coma! Now I’ll be around for Christmas Noun 6!”

So Tim and Sally had a merry Christmas after all, until the world ended on the last day of the Mayan calendar because Honey Boo Boo was unable to defeat the Reptoid invaders as the prophecy foretold.

#

Thus ends another year of the Christmas Noun. Merry Christmas to the Monster Hunter Nation.

My eBooks are going to be on the Kindle Store

So that will finally take care of my single most common FAQ. :D

http://www.teleread.com/ebooks/baen-inks-deal-with-amazon-makes-major-changes-to-webscriptions-and-free-library/

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