The secret is out. Watch and learn.
Now you know the truth. A secret cabal of bestselling writers has been sabotaging the US economy all this time. Sure, you may have thought that our situation was caused by stuff like out of control government spending, or onerous regulations, or our complete lack of coherent energy policy, or the devaluation of the dollar, or people/companies living beyond their means and then expecting the tax payers to bail them out, or entitlements that are mathematically impossible to pay, or employers being afraid to hire because of fear of ObamaCare and coming taxes, or the quadrupling of our debt over the last couple of years, but NO. That would be silly!
It has been because of us bestselling authors all along.
If only we paid our fair share, then all your problems would go away.
Yes, I am a New York Times bestselling author, and as such (according to our esteemed President who would never embellish the truth) I am part of the problem. It was a good feeling to get a book on the bestseller list, but then all my dreams came true when I was given my Secret Bestselling Author Tax-Evasion Decoder Ring.
I recall with great fondness my first meeting with this illustrious secret society of bestselling novelists at the Bohemian Roundtable Pizza. Michael Crichton was presiding (he’s not really dead, he just didn’t want to fill out his 1040ES for that quarter’s royalties). I was taught the Secret Handshake, the Mysterious Loophole, the Truth about Global Warming, and then we had milkshakes. Afterward, Robert Heinlein and I stole a flying saucer from Area 51, went joyriding, and laser-mutilated some cows just to mess with people. It was totally awesome. You guys really should write bestselling novels too. I can’t recommend it enough.
So yeah, being a bestseller is pretty sweet, but when I found out this morning that it also upsets Barack Obama, it became soooooooo much sweeter.
You might be saying, “But Correia, don’t you still have a day job?” And I’d say, why yes I do. In fact, I have a full time job as a finance manager and I spend the equivalent number of hours of a second full time job writing novels. And then you would say “But Correia, didn’t you complain back on tax day about what an unreasonably high percentage of your royalties you have to send to the government in quarterly self-employment withholdings?” And I might reply with, SHUT UP! I AM TOO PART OF A SUPER AWESOME SECRET SOCIETY! The president said so!
“Now now, Correia… Even though you’ve gotten onto the NYT bestseller list, you’re just a working stiff like the rest of us, aren’t you?”
*Sniff* Nu uh… Milkshakes and space aliens with the guy that wrote Andromeda Strain!
Okay, you got me. I work two full-time jobs. My wife has been a stay-at-home mom for the last 11 years. That was our choice and we were glad to make the sacrifice, because I have intelligent, awesome, confident, well-behaved kids. We live in a really nice house in the mountains that I bought because some rich people overextended themselves and I was ready to swoop in with a down payment because we’d scrimped, saved, and spent the last 7 years in a cheap house that we had bought out of foreclosure. I have never bought a new car nor made a car payment. We are very frugal. I’ve never paid interest on a credit card in my life, and pay off the full balance every month. I did the debt snowball and paid off my student loans 6 years early. I have an emergency fund, but no extra fun money because I’ve been making double house payments in the hopes of not having any debt whatsoever. Then, when the mortgage is gone in a couple years, I plan to just be a writer, and only work something easy, like 50 or 60 hours a week.
Despite the fact that I grew up poor, put myself through college and was poor, got married and started having kids in college and was poor, then scraped and fought and worked until I broke into the middle-class, then started my own business and became poor again, then sold the business and was unemployed and poor, then finally found a great job and started climbing out of the hole, then started selling books, and all of a sudden…
According to Obama, I’m rich! Good thing I’m a workaholic!
Now, once a quarter I get to send the government a gigantic chunk of what I make. The harder I work, the higher a percentage they take. When I complain about this, liberals tell me that I should be thankful that I get to live in America, where despite the fact that I’ve tried really hard my whole life to make good choices, I have the privilege of paying for their bad choices! Wow. When you put it that way, it sure does sound like I’m one of those rich guys, soaking the system.
The president just warned me that I’m not off the hook, though. Thank goodness. I would hate for somebody to look at where I am today and think that I’d gotten here through working really hard and making good decisions, even though they were difficult or painful!
Oh, and I just LOVE the end of the video, where the president says that nobody is talking about raising taxes right now. He’s not going to raise taxes until 2013! (which is so very far way. We’ll have flying cars and jetpacks by then!). 2013 is like a whole year and a half in the future… Right after the next presidential election, when hopefully we can finally toss this narcissistic douche bag out of the office, so then he’ll only be a bestselling author.
But he’s totally not invited to the meetings.
EDIT: And since I just got an Instalanche, why look at this, a list of my books that are available for sale. http://www.amazon.com/gp/search/ref=sr_tc_2_0?rh=i%3Astripbooks%2Ck%3ALarry+Correia&keywords=Larry+Correia&ie=UTF8&qid=1310441916&sr=1-2-ent&field-contributor_id=B002D68HL8 Every one of these sold will help my continued domination of the US economy! :)
Filed under: Uncategorized