Christmas vacation, so not much blogging

I actually took a few days off this year. That’s kind of weird for me. But I’ve actively tried to do as little as possible. So that meant staying off the computer, no writing, no accounting… Just hanging out with the family, playing video games, and shooting guns.  Life is good. Next week, back to the grind. :)

16 US cities that are going bankrupt

http://finance.yahoo.com/tech-ticker/16-u.s.-cities-that-could-face-bankruptcy-in-2011-535744.html

Interesting… Of those cities, how many are run by republicans? We saw something similar last year with the list of 10 worst-off states, with 8 being blue, one being purple, and one red, and when I visited that red state everyone was cursing Janet Napolitano for screwing up everything while she was in charge.

I guess the lesson for democrats is that eventually you’re going to run out of other people’s money and the good times end.

You’ve got to see what they put on the STI webpage

http://www.stiguns.com/  Now. I am famous. :)

Ask Correia 11: Time Management for Writers

I’ve gotten a few e-mails about this topic and I’ve been meaning to talk about how writers manage their time, especially when they are like me and they still have a day job. I got a big one today and I started responding, then realized that I’d typed up quite the blog post, so I’ll just go ahead and share.

One of the ugly little secrets of writing is that it takes time and effort. People who’ve never written anything tend to think that novelists have the easiest job ever. Not really. We’ve got the coolest job ever (okay, second coolest, because I want to be Tony Stark when I grow up) but it isn’t necessarily easy. Writing is easy; writing something entertaining, engaging, and good enough to sell is work.  

One of the biggest challenges for a writer is finding the time to write. This is a real killer for many of us. Normally when you start writing you’ve got a job or two, a spouse, children, friends, hobbies, responsibilities, church callings, volunteer duties, a dog that needs to get walked… whatever. You get the idea.

And don’t start to think that you can buckle down long enough to get one book out, and then you’ll make millions of dollars, quit your day job, and be able to write whenever you feel like. A dirty little secret of the writing profession is that most professionals still have a day job until after they get a few books in circulation. If your first novel is a huge hit or some publishing house is so sure that you’re going to be a top seller that they give you an epic advance, sure, you can write one book and quit your day job. However the average novel is only going to sell something like 10-15,000 copies over its life. You won’t exactly be rolling in the dough.

That’s why most of us have several books out and grow a fan base for a few years before we quit our jobs. That’s pretty normal.

I’m in an odd situation right now, in that I am selling enough books that I could quit my day job and still make a decent living. I made more money off of advances and royalties this year than I did annually as an accountant five years ago. However, I’ve currently got an awesome day job. It is challenging. I love the people I work with. I’ve got freedom, responsibility, and I get paid good. If I still worked for the horrible corporate culture of Humungous Monotony Group I would’ve quit my day job the second I cashed my first royalty check, even if that meant living off of cat food under an overpass, but I digress.  Since I like what I do, I hold down two jobs, which means I’ve got to manage my writing time.

First thing, writing is a job. Treat it like a job. If you just screw around and write when the mood strikes you every once in awhile, you will probably never make it as a writer. Jobs have schedules. Schedule time to write.

It doesn’t matter when you do it. Do whatever works for you. I know some people that get up at four in the morning and write for a few hours before they leave for their day job. I can’t do that because my brain doesn’t work before eight. Personally, I write on weeknights for a couple of hours at a time and then I will usually write all day on Saturday and Sunday after church.  

I don’t write every single day. Sometimes there are just other things going on that you have to take care of. But if I have to take a Saturday to run errands then I need to make sure that when I get home I buckle down and put in some writing time. Personally I find that the more I write consistently, the easier it is to get in the zone, the faster I can produce. When I take too much time between writing sessions, I lose that momentum, and then it takes more time to get back into it.

I have young children. I need to be a good dad. That means that oftentimes I don’t start writing on weeknights until after they go to bed. This means that I’ll often start writing at 8:00 and go until 10:00 or midnight.

Most importantly, don’t neglect your children. Don’t be a jerk to your spouse. You are a fool if you neglect them to climb the corporate ladder and you’re just as much of a fool to do it for your writing. Make sure that you pay attention to them and their needs. There’s an old saying that no amount of success in the workplace will make up for failure in the home. I really believe that. I’ve neglected my family before. (90 hour weeks owning your own business, go figure) I really don’t ever want to do that again.

In his book on writing, Stephen King has a story about how when he became successful, he built a house with a great big writing office, and he put a giant writing desk in the middle of the room. Then he wouldn’t let his children in the room. He said that for years his family and his writing suffered, then he moved the desk off to the side of the room, so the family could be in the middle, and that made everything better. I heard somebody tell this story at a Con once, and everybody in the audience nodded along at the profound wisdom… Whatever. I think King is a narcissistic douche (mostly because I happen to know soldiers can read! Shocking!) and if he had family problems during that time frame I’d be more inclined to think it was from snorting all that cocaine and not from the relative positioning of his desk.  But whatever… That’s why he gets ten bazillion dollars per book and I don’t.

There are only so many hours in the day, and you’ve got to sleep for some, work to pay the bills for some, and spend time with your family.  So you want to squeeze writing in there? You may have to give up some other things. If you really want to be a writer you might have to sacrifice some of the things you do for fun.

I love shooting. I especially love competition shooting. However matches are really time consuming. A 3gun match will absorb your entire Saturday in short order. So if Saturday is my most productive writing day of the week, I’ve got a problem. I’ve had to mostly give up shooting competition. I shoot maybe one or two matches a year now, when I used to shoot 20 or more matches with at least that many practice sessions.

Do you play video games? I happen to love first person shooters. I love me some Call of Duty. But when I play video games, I’ve got to moderate it so that I only do it for a set period of time. No more “One more game”. Nope. Can’t do it. And if I’m going to play on the weekend it is going to be after I write X number of words. And X varies depending on what I’m working on and when it needs to be finished.

My personal rule of thumb is that weeknights are maybe 1,000 words or editing because I find I do my best work when I’ve got a few hours in a block, unless I get on a roll. Saturdays can be 5,000-10,000 words or more. Coke Zero? Check. Ass in seat? Check. Now get to work.

So, even with working a 40 hour a week job, having a wife and 3 kids, and still having a life, I can write about 2 books a year.  

Do you sit down to write and then find yourself checking your e-mail, dinking around on Facebook, or reading a blog? Stop. Well, finish this blog post first, otherwise that will very confusing. Seriously, screwing around on the internet can murder you writing time. Now, once you’ve established yourself as a writer, the internet is a valuable tool for social networking to get and stay in touch with fans. I spend a lot of time doing that kind of thing (and blogging!) but I have to set aside time to do it. I can’t sit down to write, and then say, “Oh, let’s see what everybody is up to on Facebook” for an hour.

The internet is awesome for research too. I use it constantly, especially when I’m writing alternative-history Grimnoir universe stuff. However, because I need to check to find out some factoid of 1930s history doesn’t mean I should go on an ever widening 45 minute Wikipedia spiral. (Though did you know I’m referenced in the articles about wargs and Conrad Dippel? Sweet… oh wait, somebody needs to update my Wiki that I made the New York Times bestseller list… see? I just wasted five minutes.)

I don’t watch much TV. Just not into it, so that was an easy time sink to dodge. However, I love B-movies. Not only that, watching movies is how I recharge my creative juices, same as reading books. So I make sure that I watch movies and I read books. I bought an exercise bike so I can kill two birds with one stone. Now when I watch a movie I exercise.  I burned nearly 2,000 calories watching L.A. Confidential the other night. Not that I’m Lance Armstrong or anything, that is just one long movie. (on that note, writers tend to get fat. I’m working on that).

I’m not saying don’t have fun ever again. That’s stupid. You need to have fun. You need to recharge your batteries. But the biggest key to being a good writer is writing. Just make sure you set aside time to do what needs to be done. Family first, then work, writing or otherwise, then other stuff.  

Take advantage of bonus time. If my wife and kids are going to go out of town to visit the in-laws, I’m going to get twice as much writing done. I was unemployed and looking for work for four months at the end of 2008/beginning of 2009. I wrote my half of Swords of Exodus and ¾ of Hard Magic. Even if I just look at my advance for the eventual sale of Hard Magic a year later, that was some very monetarily productive unemployment.

Basically, you can do it. You just have to be serious about it.

***

One other related question for new writers that came up in this last e-mail:

Also, how do you handle pre-writing and research, if at all?  How does one travel if they don’t have a budget for travelling and if you can’t research by visiting somewhere or actually participating in a certain activity, how do you convincingly “fake it til you make it”, so to speak? 

Good question.

One of those perks of the old “write what you know” is that it is cheap. Setting scenes in places I’ve actually been is easy. Tweaking places I’ve actually been a little bit works too. However, there are many things you’ve never seen in real life that you’re going to want to write about. That’s expected. And sometimes our imagination just can’t fill in those accurate technical blanks. You can only get so much from books and Google Earth.

It is kind of like the Ask Correia I did about action scenes. Some things are better experienced, but if that’s not available, then talking to people who’ve been there, done that, works well.

I recently sold the thriller Dead Six, that I wrote with Mike Kupari. It is set in the mid-east. I’ve never been there. Mike has lived there a bunch. He’s military and he’s been a civilian contractor on the Persian Gulf. So in that case I’m going to pick his brain to get the atmosphere right. Ironically, Monster Hunter Alpha is set in a place based on Mike’s hometown in upper Michigan. I’ve never been to the U.P. but I’ve got several good friends from there. Once I wrote the rough draft I had my Yooper friends read it to make sure it felt right.

I’ve got a series coming out set in 1932. No matter how much I travel I’ll never be able to see the places that don’t exist anymore. In that case I’ve done as much research as possible to try to get everything right. I can still write what I know, though. I didn’t go through the Great Depression, but I did grow up dirt poor. I know how it feels. My Grandpa did live through the Great Depression, and he was a Portuguese farmer in the San Joaquin Valley and absolutely despised the Okies. (Yeah, Grapes of Wrath was not written from the Portuguese perspective). So though I didn’t live through the dust bowl exodus into the San Joaquin Valley, I can write a very convincing scene of somebody who did.

Now, once you are a massively successful bestselling novelist who sleeps on giant piles of money, you can take your family on huge vacations to exotic places and call it research. Then you’ve solved both problems brought up in this blog post!

An interesting article about where I grew up

Here is a National Review article about the area that I grew up in, California’s San Joaquin Valley.  http://www.nationalreview.com/articles/255320/two-californias-victor-davis-hanson?page=1 

From what I’ve heard from friends and family that still live out there, the Central Valley is absolutely melting down. The primary industry used to be farming and now it is meth. Way to go, California.

The Christmas Noun – a cover by Eric Westover

Eric Westover put together a cover for the Christmas Noun 3D for your holiday enjoyment.

The Christmas (Noun) 3D: The Gritty Reboot

Well, it is that time of year again. As many of you know, the Christmas Noun series began in 2008 when I decided that I need to cash in… err… I mean satisfy my artistic vision, yeah that’s it, and write a Christmas novel.  So, inspired by tales of Christmas Jars, Sweaters, Boxes, and other assorted nouns that have made giant piles of money, I wrote the epic novel, The Christmas (Noun). The Noun will be determined by my marketing department.

In The Christmas (Noun), young Tim overcame his hatred for Christmas, (to be fair, Christmas had killed his entire family) and through the power of the Christmas Noun and kung-fu moxy, Tim defeated the Anti-Clause in the Peppermint Thunderdome and saved Christmas forever.  http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2008/12/22/the-christmas-noun/

Until Christmas was threatened again in the Christmas (Noun) 2: The (Noun)ening. This time a magic hat brought a snowman to life, and unlike the jolly, dancing Frosty, Stabby was more into stab-killing and world domination. Yet, through global warming power of love, the Christmas Noun, and the brutal disemboweling of former Vice President Al Gore, Christmas was saved forever again!http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2009/12/08/the-christmas-noun-2-the-nounening/

Until now…

This year I wanted to give you something new. So, working along with brilliant visionary director, James Cameron, and super-science, this year’s Christmas Noun will be presented in revolutionary 3d.  This is clearly several more dimensions than last year. Plus the soundtrack is by Mannheim Steamroller and Daft Punk! Through advanced technology, this is the best looking and sounding Christmas Noun yet.

However, since this blog is made of words and not pictures or sounds, you’ll just have to imagine extra hard.

Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to present to you excerpts from the third installment of the most important work of Christmas literature of our time…

NOUN 3D

The Gritty Reboot

***

Opening introduction narrated by Ron Perlman: Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer had been driven insane with a desire to kill.

All the other reindeer had laughed and called him names and wouldn’t let him join in any reindeer games… Until one day it pushed poor Rudolf over the edge into a berserk killing frenzy. He took out Dasher and Prancer with a meat cleaver, Donner and Dixon with a garden weasel, and Blitzen… Poor Blitzen… They’d never found his head. The crime scene elves had described the scene as one of shocking carnage, with venison spread from one end of Santa’s workshop to the other.

That had been ten long years ago. Rudolf was sent to the toughest joint at the North Pole. The day he arrived he killed a polar bear with a shiv made from a plastic spoon, just so everyone would know not to mess with him. Rudolf has spent the time since then preparing for his inevitable revenge, lifting weights, getting prison tattoos, and terrifying the sugar plum fairies. Prison is a tough place for sugar plum fairies.

Because Christmas… Christmas never changes…

***

From Chapter 1.

Saint Anger, Maximum Security Prison

North Pole

December 23

Rudolf was wheeled out of his cell strapped down to a dolly, and guarded by half a dozen of Santa’s guard elves armed with nightsticks and Tasers, because he was one scary reindeer.  Rudolf had a visitor.

“Nice mask, Hannibal Lecter,” said Mr. McScrouge, ruthless billionaire and bulldozerer of puppy dog hospitals.  

“It really isn’t necessary,” said Rudolf. “I’m a herbivore. It isn’t like I’m going to eat anybody.”

“Of course. I’ve got a job for you, Mr. Rudolf.” Mr. McScrouge dramatically smoked his Cuban cigar like a good ruthless billionaire industrialist always should. “I’m tired of my plans to ruin Christmas always being thwarted by Tim and his precious Christmas Noun.”

Rudolf was surprised. “The Christmas Noun is free? But that means the time of the prophecy is at hand!”

“Huh? I don’t know about a prophecy. I just want you to murder Tim and get the Christmas Noun for me.  Now, do we have a deal or not?” Mr. McScrouge checked his Rolex. “I’ve got to a golf date with Kayne West in an hour.”

“You got a deal,” Rudolf said craftily, but as soon as the elves unlocked him, he exploded into a brilliant flash of kung-fu reindeer murder. Elves went flying in every direction as Rudolf used his mad skillz. (it looks really good in 3D too!).  Once the last elf was impaled on Rudolf’s antlers, Rudolf laughed triumphantly. “Fool. Now that I know the Christmas Noun is free, I will take it for myself. I will become the new Santa and I will rule the world!” Rudolf took off his Hannibal Lecter mask. “But first, I’m going to eat your liver.”

“But I thought you were a herbivore!” Mr. McScrouge cried fearfully.

“I lied…”

CHOMP!

***

From Chapter 2

Tim was working as a mall Santa to pay off his gambling debts. In proud action hero tradition, Tim had once again become down on his luck in the time between episodes.  I mean come on, the Ghostbusters saved New York and by the sequel they were appearing at children’s birthday parties.  Tim’s tequila-fueled addiction to betting on his fantasy football league is far more realistic.

 “What do you want for Christmas, little boy?” Tim asked the little five-year-old boy sitting on his lap.

“I want an LWRC R.E.P.R. 7.62 NATO with the 18” medium weight match barrel, MagPul UBR stock, Geissele trigger, and it better have a Trijicon 3.5 power TA11J308 ACOG on it, or I’ll be pissed. ”

“You’ll shoot your eye out.” And Tim tossed the little boy down the slide.  “Crap, is it closing time yet or what?”

***

“Tim! I am the Ghost of Christmas Future-Past!” said the Ghost of Christmas Future-Past in the mall parking lot.

“Lance Henriksen? Last year you were just the Ghost of Christmas Future.”

“Eh… Christopher Walken served all his community service hours… So I had to pick up the slack. But anyway, I’m here because Christmas is in danger again.”

“Again? Crap, dude. Why can’t it ever be, hey, Tim, Arbor day is in trouble? Or hey, Tim, help save Martin Luther King day? But noooooo… It’s always Christmas. So what’s the deal this time. Demons? Psychotic snowmen?”

“Rudolf the Red-Nosed reindeer.”

“Up yours, Bishop.”

***

From Chapter 4

“Oh, Tim,” said Sally Love-Interest. “You have to save Christmas again. It needs you.”

“But Sally, I have to be a reluctant hero. You can’t have a gritty reboot if the hero is all heroic right off the bat. If I remembered all the valuable lessons I learned last time, then there wouldn’t be a good character arc.”

“So… you’re trying to be like Spiderman? Where he just got dumber and whinier every movie?”

“Oh, hell no. If I ever get all emo like that, please just put a bullet in me.”

Suddenly ,Tim’s apartment exploded. When the smoke cleared, Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer was standing in the remains of Tim’s living room, holding the Christmas Noun in his hooves. “Ha ha ha! I have the Christmas Noun now! Nobody can stop me!”

“Dude! What the hell, man?” Tim shouted from where he was trapped beneath the rubble. “You trashed my place! I’ll never get my security deposit back now.”

***

From Chapter 6

Secret Headquarters of the Reindeer Liberation Front

December 24

“Rudolf!” Vixen shouted. “What are you doing here?”

“I escaped from prison, baby,” Rudolf said, because Vixen was the sexiest of the all of the other reindeer.

“But your presence endangers the entire Reindeer Underground.”  

“The time for peaceful resolution is past. No more will our kind be forced to pull Santa’s fat ass around. I stole this magic Christmas Noun. Now I’ve got to find Santa’s Top Secret Naughty/Nice list. Whoever controls the List, controls the world.” 

Vixen nodded her antlers thoughtfully. “You’ll never break into Santa’s workshop. His security is airtight. But Wikileaks has a copy of the Naughty/Nice List that they’ve been threatening to release.”

“Assemble your troops, Vixen. It’s time to deck the halls… with blood.

***

From Chapter 7

“Why am I tied up in a bathtub?” Julian Assange asked.

“Because Santa’s list said you’ve been naughty, only the fat man don’t have the stomach to take care of business. But I do,” Rudolf said.

“But information wants to be free!”

“You know what else wants to be free?” Rudolf lifted the bucket and let its contents slosh hungrily. “Piranhas, mother****er!”

“NOOOOOOOOO!”

***

“What’s that horrific screaming?” asked Sally Love-Interest.

Tim peeked through the window. “It looks like Julian Assange is being gradually devoured by piranhas… Man, that looks really painful. It’s like a Swedish meatball puree. This episode just earned an R rating.  Oh my gosh, it’s even worse in 3D.”

“Shouldn’t we try to rescue him?”

“Meh… I’m sure all those informants he outed didn’t want to get their heads sawed off by the Taliban either. Let’s give those piranhas a minute.”  

Tim and Sally waited. Apparently Rudolf’s piranhas had gotten stuffed quickly, so now they were just kind of listlessly nibbling, sort of a like how you get on Thanksgiving after you’re already full, but you keep going back to pick at that spiral-cut ham… thereby making Julian Assange’s death way longer and more agonizing. Tim played a few games of Angry Birds on his iPhone to pass the time.

***

From Chapter 9

The nuclear missile submarine surfaced, breaking through the polar ice near the Reindeer Underground secret headquarters. Lance Henriksen opened the hatch for Tim. “There’s not much time, Tim. You must hurry.”

“Because Rudolf gets more powerful the closer it gets to Christmas?”

“No, dummy… Do you have any idea how much it costs to rent a nuclear missile submarine? I’ve got to get this thing back before I rack up a late charge. Friggin’ Walken rented it, but he used my Discover Card. But yeah, that other thing too.”

Tim climbed down from the submarine. His Santa suit was festooned with weapons and ammunition. After the Reindeer Underground’s killing spree against the cast and audience of The View, Tim would take no chances. These reindeer were blood thirsty and unpredictable. Who would have expected Vixen to feed Joy Behar into a wood chipper on live TV?

It had been the highest rated episode of The View ever.

He’d only have one chance to rescue Sally from the nefarious hooves of Rudolf. He still couldn’t believe that she’d managed to get kidnapped again. That was like the tenth time she’d been kidnapped since they’d started dating. It was like her hobby. He was really thinking about getting her implanted with one of those satellite chips like they had for pets that kept running off. 

***

From Chapter 10

Tim and Rudolf circled, each looking for an angle of attack. Tim’s Santa suit had gotten ripped, revealing his super chiseled action hero muscles. (the actor playing Tim was a background Spartan in 300). Rudolf’s kung-fu was strong, and his Prancing-Pony style was more than a match for Tim’s Black-Tiger style.

“So, Tim, at last we meet. I knew this day must come.”

“How come?” Tim asked.

“Because, I KILLED YOUR FATHER!” Dramatic music thundered along with this revelation.

“Whew!” Tim breathed a sigh of relief. “For a second I thought you were going to say you were my father.”

“I’m a reindeer. That would be biologically impossible.”

“Hang on. The first installment said that my father had died in a freak Christmas tree cutting accident.”

“It’s called RetCon. That’s the beauty of sequels, Young Tim.”

Good old Retcon. “Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer, you’ll go down and be history.” Tim charged.

 ***

Sally tested her shackles. She was as beautiful as she was stupid, but she knew that Tim was counting on her to escape and do stuff. “I’m going to escape,” Sally Love-Interest thought aloud.

“I’m right here,” said Vixen the reindeer terrorist. “I can totally hear you.”

“Oh… I should be more quiet while I plot my escape then.”

“Yeah… Wow. Who are you anyway?”

“I’m Sally Love-Interest. The hyphen is silent.” 

***

The fight scene between Tim and Rudolf is absolutely epic. They’re flying back and forth, kung-fuing the hell out of each other. There’s like sparks and explosions and stuff. It’s Dragonball Z crossed with Mortal Kombat and the Matrix only in 3D!

“Hang on a second,” Rudolf said. “I’ve got to break the fourth wall for a minute to talk with the director.”

You can’t do that. James Cameron is a very important man, and he’s busy being visionary and stuff.

“Yeah, blah blah blah. Look at me, Mister I gave Smurfs 3D boob jiggle. Give me another Oscar,” said Rudolf. And then using the magic power of the Christmas Noun, Rudolf broke through the walls of space, time, and reality and kicked James Cameron square in the balls. “Suck hoof, James Cameron!”

Oh crap, that looked like it hurt.

“Pocahontas was my favorite movie, and you ripped it off, you son of a bitch!” Rudolf screamed.

Tim stopped kung-fu fighting long enough to bow to his opponent. “Rudolf, too bad you’re my mortal enemy, because you are awesome.”

Rudolf stopped fighting also. “You know, Tim. I never wanted it to be like this. I tried to stand up for equal rights for oppressed sentient reindeer. I was maligned and persecuted for my disfiguring red nose. They pushed me too far and in a moment of weakness, I snapped. Despite having saved Christmas because of my hideous glowing nose, Santa swept the whole incident under the rug and left me to rot in prison. I’m just trying to make things right”

“We don’t have to fight,” Tim suggested. “We can work out our differences. I know Santa. We can schedule peace talks.”

“You know… It is Christmas. I’ll call off my reindeer terrorists and return the Christmas Noun. Christmas should be a time of forgiveness and peace and good will to men.”

 “To men…” Tim extended his hand. “And reindeer.”

Rudolf hesitantly lifted his hoof. “Peace, brother.” Tim and Rudolf shook on it.

BLAM!

Rudolf gasped and fell to the ground.

“Ha! Nailed him!” shouted Sally Love-Interest as she lowered the pistol she’d picked up off a dead reindeer terrorist.  “Hooray for me! I escaped all by myself and finally got to save the day!”

Rudolf looked at Tim helplessly as he faded into oblivion. “Why… Tim? Why?” Then Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer died.

“Damn it, Sally! We’d just called a truce,” Tim shouted.

“Oh… Whoops.”

Tim rolled his eyes. It was a good thing that Sally was hot, because she really wasn’t very smart. “That’s cool. Come on, let’s go save Christmas.”

“Wait… Don’t I get to say something awesome?” Sally asked. “You always say something awesome when you kill the bad guy.”

“Okay, fine. Whatever.”

Sally stood over Rudolf’s corpse. She tried to make her best serious face. “Caribou. The other white meat.“

Tim sighed. It would have to do.

***

Final epilogue narrated by Ron Perlman

Tim saved Christmas once again. He returned to his mall Santa job, content in his knowledge that the Christmas Noun was safe until Larry Correia needed to increase blog traffic next December.

Rudolf with his nose so bright guided his sleigh… straight to reindeer hell.

Sally Love-Interest got a job at Subway. She was later fired for inability to differentiate between the different types of bread.

Lance Henriksen completed his remaining court mandated community service hours and was released as the Ghost of Christmas Future Past.  It is believed he still walks the Earth, righting wrongs, and protecting the innocent.

Julian Assange was devoured by piranha. The piranhas later developed tummy aches.

Vixen and the surviving members  of the Reindeer Underground were interred in Guantanamo Bay until Attorney General Eric Holder insisted they be tried in regular federal court. Of the 2,798 counts of murder, extortion, kidnapping, robbery, terrorism, and bombing, Vixen the reindeer was convicted on two counts of Jay-Walking with Intent to Loiter. Vixen now teaches at the University of Chicago with Bill Ayers.

Santa Claus denied all knowledge of the existence of Rudolf or secret prisons at the North Pole. When asked for comment he was quoted as saying, “Ho Ho Who?”

Because Christmas… Christmas never changes…

***

Thus ends excerpts from The Christmas Noun 3D. For those of you just tuning in, I write real books for a living. The Christmas Noun is not one of them.  

Merry Christmas, Monster Hunter Nation.

EDIT:  Cover by Eric Westover

Tis the season… For NOUN!

The Christmas Noun 3D: The Gritty Reboot will be out next week. Featuring special guest star, Julian Assange, and Rudolf the red nosed serial-killing reindeer. If you’ve not read the prior year’s Christmas Nouns, the links are below.

In other news, MHI and MHV are both back in the top 100 of contemporary fantasy again this week. I’m thinking that might be because the Blue Press article about me just came out. Sweet.

For those of you that have ordered books and patches for Christmas, I’m holding off and shipping everything at one time, that way I only have to go to the post office once. December post office runs suck. Plus, I’m out of MHI (miscalculated on that one, but have plenty of MHV), and the ones I have on order probably aren’t going to be here in time, so I’m going to have to drive to SLC and raid all of the local bookstores there, and pay retail for copies of my own book, just so you guys can have them in time for Christmas… Because that’s how much I love you. :)

THE CHRISTMAS NOUN http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2008/12/22/the-christmas-noun/ My version of a Christmas story, only with more Cthulu, zombies, and chainsaws.

THE CHRISTMAS NOUN 2: THE NOUNENING  http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2009/12/08/the-christmas-noun-2-the-nounening/  The much anticipated sequel to the greatest Christmas story featuring a noun ever.

EDIT: Man, the Blue Press is giving me a good spike, just in time for Christmas. :) 

MHI:

Amazon Bestsellers Rank: #6,537 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

MHV:

Amazon Bestsellers Rank: #5,698 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Cooking with the Troops Charity

Hey everyone, you might remember that I posted about this charity once before, but they are getting close to the end and they still need a bit more help. This is your chance to give the gift of awesome food, pin up girls, and Mike Williamson to injured troops!

http://cwtt.org/opfphblues.html

And there are still pin up girls! (because I’ve found that if I put a picture of an attractive woman in the post, about ten times as many of you will click the link) :)

Residual Hauntings Podcast, and a signing today

http://residualhauntings.podomatic.com/entry/2010-12-03T19_58_43-08_00  I had a great time on this show. We talked books, b-movies, and ghost hunting.

I’m doing a signing at the Layton Utah B&N at 2:00-4:00 today. Come by and say hi. This is my last signing of the year.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 8,510 other followers