The Expendables

What can I say. It was awesome.  Don’t go expecting artsy. Don’t go expecting cinema. Movie reviewers will hate it. Don’t expect these characters to talk about their feelings.  Expect stuff to explode. A lot. And there is lots of shooting, stabbing, and shoot-stabbing. Then more exploding, coupled with some face-punching.  This movie asked the question, what kind of movie influenced Larry Correia’s childhood in the 80′s? Okay. Let’s make that movie. And then kick it until it explodes. 

Stallone is older than my Dad, and he cared enough to break multiple bones doing a fight scene with Steve Austin.  Critics may say that Stallone isn’t a good director, but I doubt most senior-citizen directors are willing to break their necks doing a scene with a man that routinely fights carnivorous dinosaurs for training purposes.  (I would, however, actively encourage Roman Polanski to do so).

I found that picture at: http://www.termlifeinsurance.org/expendables/  Where somebody actually took the time to add up how many people the various actors had killed in all their different movies.  Dolph Lundgren wins, but we all already knew that. He looks like a Viking and he’s got an IQ of like 180, of course Dolph wins. Are you going to argue with him about it?  He could write a Noble Prize winning essay on the mathmatics behind the gravitational flux of black holes and then roll that essay into a point and stab you in the neck with it.

You may hear people insult the Expendables. These people will usually cite some rule of film or something. They are wrong. They may talk about how the movie didn’t have enough plot, or emotion, or blah blah friggin’ blah. They are even more wrong, and I say that as a professional fiction writer. To me, story is really important, because that’s how I pay the bills.

But guess what? The Expendables has a story. It just isn’t the story the critics want it to be.  A good story makes a promise to the reader/viewer, and then goes about either fulfilling or challenging the reader/viewers ideas.  The Expendables makes a promise to kick bad guys in the teeth, stab them, throw them, shoot them, blow them up, and then set the bodies on fire, and it keeps that promise. Twice.  Science has taught us that Randy Couture can punch you so hard that you will actually catch on fire. Is he going to win any Oscars for his performance?  No. Do you think he cares?  SET YOU ON FIRE!

So, as you may have guessed, I liked the Expendables quite a bit. I recommend it.

28 Responses

  1. I completely agree with the truth you’ve laid down here. The Expendables is the best movie I’ve seen this summer.

  2. 1) Best Poster EVER!

    2) Best Movie Review EVER!

    I thought the movie was decent enough for being written and directed by Stallone. If ya come into it to see explosions and decapitations, yer good!

  3. It had some sweet custom 1911 action going on by Stallone too, if you’ve seen it you know that scene with the rapid fire. Glad to see the hero with a tricked out 1911, instead of the usual vanilla Glock. Oh, and that automatic shotgun… ME WANT!!

  4. Yeah, a girl reviewed the film for my school paper. Said it was the worst film she’d seen in years because by making the big manly men the heroes and the hot woman the damsel in distress, it threw out fifty years of progress of Gender-Equality in Hollywood.

    I think I’m gonna go see it just to p!$$ her off.

  5. Almost saw that with the wife on Sunday, but it got a pretty low rating on Rotten Tomato. We rented a slew of movies last week and they all sucked, and sucked horribly. The rating for Expendables was no better than the ‘best” of the movies that we rented (and that one wasn’t even very good), so we decided against going to the theater on Sunday.

    Instead, we went to the gun range and put some lead through paper targets. My wife fell in love with my new Beretta 92FS.

  6. Ehh for once I’m going to have to disagree with you. My complaint doesn’t really involve the story (I didn’t expect much there) or the character depth (again, not expected). My biggest complaint is that I was bored. As odd as it may seem I found The Expendables boring.

    The thing is, any one of those characters (aside from Terry Crews) could have easily starred alone in this movie and racked up a similar kill count. Rambo or Chev Chelios or even whoever the hell Jet Li plays as could have done pretty much the same damage as a lone gun.

    When you put all those big bruisers together I couldn’t help but expect them taking on the population of a mid-size to large country. And coming out on top. With a smile. And some Doritos. I think that with that many stars, none of them really had a chance to shine. It was like that romantic comedy Valentine’s Day but with action heroes. Far too many heavy hitters sharing the same punching bag.

    I never expected much in the way of plot or character growth (good thing), but when you allow for grievances you expect some compensation. I don’t mean to put down your opinion (I’m sure nostalgia has a lot to do with it and I just wasn’t around for that era), but I expected more.

  7. Oh and the poster is pretty sweet, but it gives credit to Bruce Willis for a kill in Armageddon? I guess suicides count?

  8. I would love to see the Expendables. However, I refuse to put a penny in Stallone’s gun grabbing hands (since it could end up being funneled to Brady)..

  9. Can’t wait to get home.

  10. It sounds hilariously fun.

  11. I’m pretty sure John Ringo would look at the body count on that poster and laugh at such an insignificant sum. It takes genocide to catch his attention :P

  12. I love that in spite of Dolph Lundgren having the highest TOTAL kill count, the most kills in a single movie still belongs to Stallone with Rambo 3 & 4! He surpasses number 2 by a WIDE margin! heh. Good old fashioned American death Machine!

    BTW there is another version of this poster on Empire which includes Arnold and he actually surpassed everyone except Lundgren on total kill count.

  13. BTW I’d love to see their body counts from Expendables either measured against the rest of their careers or at least added into the totals.

  14. Expendables is one of those movies…you walk out of the theatre and blink, and see explosions on the back of your eyelids.

    That awesome.

  15. And how many of these asshats are anti-gun in real life?

    I know Stallone is, and he also has a Cali CCW and carries a Walther PPK…. but of course he is imp-oh-tant.

  16. That’s 1 body evry 4 seconds. Someone said they were bored?

  17. I think I gave The Expendables the most stars of any movie I’ve ever reviewed.  Yeah, I liked it.

  18. [...] that only because Alex insisted I go see it.) My reaction to it wasn’t as rapturous as, say, this one, but mainly because I knew exactly what I’d get going in (due in part to rapturous reviews [...]

  19. After seeing this movie a few more times, I have to downgrade my rating by half a star for the sped-up fight scenes and all the knife throwing. Which still leaves it a 4 star, one of my highest-rated movies ever.

    I even rented it (again) on the hotel pay-per-view, so my GF could watch it with me. It’s that good.

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