Yesterday I took my family to Lagoon. For those of you not from around these here parts, Lagoon is our biggest amusement park. So if you want to ride a roller coaster in Utah, it is either Lagoon, or the rickety one run by the scary bearded sex offender at the county fair.
After dropping $120 at the door, $10 to park, and $40 on lunch, you’d expect me to be a little bitter, but I actually had a really good time. My kids are old enough now that they’re brave, well-behaved in public, and fun. It was one of those summer days that builds fond family memories.
Except for just one thing…
I like to ride the rides. I pride myself on being fearless, and I haven’t barfed because of a ride since three back to back trips on the Tilt-o-Whirl at Great America when I was a kid. I’ll ride anything. (provided I can fit, which at 6’5” and big, means that there are a few rides where the safety bars just won’t fit over my legs). But not anymore. I’ve met my match.
It didn’t look like much. It wasn’t fast. It wasn’t up high. It was made for little kids. It was cute. You ride in these little Captain Nemo cars in a circle, while cartoon dolphins squirt water at you, and you can use the hydraulics to steer between them. The center looks like a big cuddly kraken. It even has a cute name, I think it is called the Ody-Sea or something, and it even plays happy music, while you drive your mini Nautilus through the misters on a lovely summer day. What could possibly go wrong?
That. That’s what could go wrong. Horribly wrong.
Look at those seats. Made of hard plastic, and designed by NKVD interrogators, nothing will prepare you for the horror of the de-testiculator. Now perhaps, for normal size patrons, you could sit in there and not receive the biological equivalent of hitting yourself in the gonads with a garden trowel, but if you’re my size, and you barely fit in anything anyway…
One look told me this was a bad idea, but my son was too short to ride this without “adult” supervision, and he was already in. My five year old would have been heartbroken if I’d bailed after he’d stood in line. So I did my fatherly duty and stepped into the Scrotum-Smasher.
So I get into this thing, and try to maneuver myself to an angle that won’t cause any permanent damage or internal bleeding. Finally, through judicious use of giving myself a wedgie, and squeezing over as far as possible, I thought I was safe.
Then the ride began.
Remember that part where you steer between the squirting dolphins? Yeah… About that. These aren’t smooth hydraulics. These are bouncy hydraulics. It was five minutes of ball-busting terror, made all the worse by the happy music. Those dolphins weren’t laughing with me. They were laughing at me. They were laughing at my pain.
ACTUAL TRANSCRIPT OF RIDE:
Correia: “What the ****? Are you serious?”
Lagoon Employee: “It’s perfectly safe, sir.”
Correia: “If you’re already a eunch!”
Lagoon Employee: mutters under his breath as he checks the seat belt. “Ai, Ai Cthulu F’tagen.”
Correia: “Excuse me?”
Lagoon Employee: “Nothing. Have a nice trip.”
Ody-Sea: Begins to sing its unnatural song. Horrible machines powered by human tears grind into terrible action.
Correia: “Ouch! Crap! ****!” bouncy bouncy “Son of a *****!”
Son: “Yay! Dolphins! They’re gonna squirt us, dad! I’ll save us!”
Correia: “No, son don’t pull the lever.” CLANG “AAARRGGGHH!!!”
Son: “Yay! Oooh a shark!” CLANG
Correia: “AAAAHHHH!!! Stop! NOOOOOO!”
Son: “Oooh, the dolphins again. I better take us up! Yay! Fun!”
Corriea: -sound of sobbing-
The Ody-Sea, satisfied that it had inflicted enough suffering, ground to an inexorable halt. Finally, I limped off, happy to be alive, glad that I’d already had all the children I’d planned on ever having. I was nauseous, as being punt-kicked in the gonads one-hundred-and-thirty-seven-times is wont to do. As I stumbled away, I took one last look at the Ody-Sea, and I understood…
I hadn’t recognized the gibbering madness before boarding. This is where testicles are sacrificed to the Elder Things. Behold the evil of the Ody-Sea. What has been seen cannot be unseen.
So other than singing soprano for the rest of my life, Lagoon was great. I just hope my sacrifice will help appease the Old Ones.
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