Lack of interwebs at home, lack of posting, and Halo Legends movie review

We’re settled in to the apartment, but I don’t think we are going to bother getting internet there.  The house should be finished in 4 or 5 months, and I’ve got a deadline for Monster Hunter Alpha, which means less talk, more write.  I do have access at work.  The downside of that is that I don’t get to screw around online as much, don’t post as much of Facebook, and most of all, only post here when I’m at lunch.  (plus no Xbox Live & Call of Duty: MW2, but like I said, I’ve got a deadline).

Sadly, last night would have been better spent writing.  I took a much needed break, went down to Blockbuster and picked up Halo: Legends.

All I can say is; leave it to the Japanese to make something that looks cool with absolutely terrible writing. 

Seriously? What is it with Japan? Believe it or not, the Halo universe actually has a pretty interesting story to tell (that isn’t told very well in the games). It makes for good epic space opera.  I for one was excited at the prospect of a Neil Blokampf (sp?) and Peter Jackson Halo movie.  But NOOOOOOO… instead we get Halo Legends.  A bunch of little stories that varied in quality from old episodes of Dragon Ball Z to Robotech (not the fighting ones, the ones with all the singing), but imbued with the quality story telling we’ve come to expect from Japan. (look, I’m a school girl, giggling, with GIANT sparkle eyes).  The segments ranged in quality from groan inducing to fast forward, with brief smatterings of cool interspaced with tween-emo nonsense spouted off by people with really big purple hair.

I’m a Halo fan and I though this sucked. So I don’t really know who I would recommend it to.  My five year old asked if we could fast forward through the slow parts.  He’s a five year old boy. He thinks the old Hanna Barbara super hero shows are Masterpiece Theater. He doesn’t usually care what is on, as long as it is a cartoon and stuff explodes, and HE WAS BORED.  

And before the Anime fans start to bash me, I happen to really like Samurai Champloo, Big O, and Cowboy Bebop, so back off.   The nonsense that passed for a plot in Big O reads like friggin’ Shakespeare in comparison.   Seriously, there were segments where watching a Chia Pet grow would have been more entertaining.  Then there were sections where a few bits of the Halo Universe apparently ended up in Dragonball Z (complete with dinosaur kung-fu!).  The most obnoxious section was one about a Spartan girl and her teddy bear (or some crap, I don’t know). 

The art styles vary from interesting painty-looking, to bouncy CGI, to that horrid Pokemon style (she’s taking her helmet off, CRAP! Your eyes are HUGE! Where the hell is your nose?!?).  Apparently Miyamoto Musashi was a space alien, and though you never see a female Elite in the games, it turns out that they are exactly the same as giggling Japanese school girls. (and as a biological oddity they have boobs too, which I’m sure James Cameron would approve of).

So, in two hours there was probably twenty minutes that were interesting. 

You know what would be amazing? Get some Japanese artists. Get some American writers. (Hey, I know some of those!)  Put them together. Give them lots of money.  (base it on Dead Six and have Steve Blum as the voice of Lorenzo. I promise we’ll sell a lot of DVDs)


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