The State of the Union

You guys know I love to fisk Obama speeches.  They’re just so filled with lies, half-truths, distortions, whining, blame-casting, narcissism, and ego stroking that the blog post damn near writes itself.  However, since the state of the union was a brain-melting 69 minutes there is just no way.  Even once you remove the twenty minutes of democrats clapping, hooting, doing the wave, and Sheila Jackson Lee climbing on John Kerry’s shoulders and flashing the president like a spring-breaker on a Girl’s Gone Wild video, 49 minutes of bloviating is just too much Obama for me to stomach in one sitting.

 So for the abridged version, I’m just going to try and hit the highlight reel.   The Big O is in italics.

Before we begin, shout out to Chris Matthews for once again illustrating Correia’s simple rules for understanding racism. Keep in mind, since he’s a frothing lunatic lefty, he could actually burn crosses on the air and nobody would care… but to be fair, considering his ratings, I don’t think anybody would actually notice.

Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you the One. The Big O. Franklin Delano X. Our President, his supreme awesomness, Barack Hussein Obama:
Blah Blah Blah, – couple of minutes about struggle, boring intro.

One year ago, I took office amid two wars, an economy rocked by a severe recession, a financial system on the verge of collapse, and a government deeply in debt.  Here we are, in the first three paragraphs and he is already blaming Bush.  Gee, that took longer than expected.  Experts from across the political spectrum warned that if we did not act, we might face a second depression. So we acted — immediately and aggressively and used the opportunity as an excuse to spend ungodly sums of money on stupid crap. And one year later, the worst of the storm has passed.  Uh hu… Has it now?

But the devastation remains. One in 10 Americans still cannot find work.  And everybody knows that number is much higher.  10% are the ones that are still actively looking and haven’t just given up.  Many businesses have shuttered.  Especially the small ones, because you bailed out all the big ones so that they could crush the little guys underfoot.  Home values have declined.  Shout out to my homie, Barney Frank. Small towns and rural communities have been hit especially hard. Not that Obama understands rural communities, because he apparently doesn’t understand what pickup trucks are for.   And for those who’d already known poverty, life has become that much harder.

This recession has also compounded the burdens that America’s families have been dealing with for decades — the burden of working harder and longer for less; of being unable to save enough to retire or help kids with college.  Yeah, and giving half of what I earn to the government sure don’t help, jackass!

So I know the anxieties that are out there right now. They’re not new.  Yes, I had similar anxiety when Clinton was president.  These struggles are the reason I ran for President.  Because an Ivy league educated rich kid from Hawaii who has only worked BS jobs and been a political hack KNOWS struggle. These struggles are what I’ve witnessed for years in places like Elkhart, Indiana; Galesburg, Illinois. What? Did he drive through there once?   I hear about them in the letters that I read each night. The toughest to read are those written by children because as products of public education they’re damn near illiterate! – asking why they have to move from their home, asking when their mom or dad will be able to go back to work or why Timmy has two daddies.

For these Americans and so many others, change has not come fast enough.  Some are frustrated; some are angry. No kidding?  They don’t understand why it seems like bad behavior on Wall Street is rewarded, because you rewarded them! but hard work on Main Street isn’t because you told us to F off; or why Washington has been unable or unwilling to solve any of our problems. Oh, there’s no question there. They’re tired of the partisanship and the shouting and the pettiness.  It is only petty when you disagree with him.  Just watch, this is gonna be a theme tonight. They know we can’t afford it. Not now.

So we face big and difficult challenges. The biggest of which is keeping you from implementing any more Marxist policies. And what the American people hope — what they deserve — is for all of us, Democrats and Republicans, to work through our differences; to overcome the numbing weight of our politics. AAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!   Do you not get it?  We don’t want to compromise with your side, because then we get a little more socialism, over and over again, until we’re living in Big Dumb Canada.  For while the people who sent us here have different backgrounds, different stories, different beliefs, the anxieties they face are the same. Yes, how is Washington going to &%$! me today? The aspirations they hold are shared: a job that pays the bills; a chance to get ahead; most of all, the ability to give their children a better life.  You forgot a big one.  The aspiration to just be left alone to lead my life as I see fit without you meddling in it.

* Skipped a few paragraphs about hope and change and adversity and love and puppies.  There was also something about coaching little league or something, hell, even Harry Reid fell asleep during this part.  *


Our most urgent task upon taking office was to shore up the same banks that helped cause this crisis. It was not easy to do. And if there’s one thing that has unified Democrats and Republicans, and everybody in between, it’s that we all hated the bank bailout. I hated it — (applause.) I hated it. You hated it. It was about as popular as a root canal. (Laughter.)   
I ain’t laughing. 

Yes. You all HATED it.  But you did it anyway…  Sure you did.  Totally HATED it.

But when I ran for President, I promised I wouldn’t just do what was popular — I would do what was necessary.  Like giving more speeches in 1 year than most presidents have done in 8.  And if we had allowed the meltdown of the financial system, unemployment might be double what it is today. Oh, at least! Scientifically they saved at least 10 billion jobs.  More businesses would certainly have closed. More homes would have surely been lost.  Space Turtles would have rampaged across Nebraska!

So I supported the last administration’s efforts to create the financial rescue program. And when we took that program over, we made it more transparent and more accountable.  HA HA HA HA! And as a result, the markets are now stabilized, and we’ve recovered most of the money we spent on the banks. (Applause.) Most but not all.  Wait for it…

To recover the rest, I’ve proposed a fee on the biggest banks. (Applause.) Now, I know Wall Street isn’t keen on this idea. But if these firms can afford to hand out big bonuses again, they can afford a modest fee to pay back the taxpayers who rescued them in their time of need. (Applause.)  Except that isn’t what is happening at all, you lying sack of crap.  The actual proposal is to FINE the banks that have already paid back the bailout, with interest, and this includes the banks that you FORCED to take bailout money because you suddenly changed the asset and liquidity rules test to something that almost no bank could pass, and then made it mandatory for them to take money.   The reason Wall Street isn’t keen on this is because the government is just making up random fines to spike businesses with.  Now that makes me want to invest and hire more employees!

Now, as we stabilized the financial system, we also took steps to get our economy growing again, save as many jobs as possible, and help Americans who had become unemployed.  No.  You didn’t. You spent money on pork and hired more government employees.

That’s why we extended or increased unemployment benefits for more than 18 million Americans; made health insurance 65 percent cheaper for families who get their coverage through COBRA; and passed 25 different tax cuts.  Yep… Unless you’re a smoker. Or you like to eat food.  Or you work at a business.  Or you drive a car.  Or you exist, as a mammal, on planet Earth.

Now, let me repeat: We cut taxes. We cut taxes for 95 percent of working families. As an accountant who actually has to make numbers add up correctly, that part actually hurts me. (Applause.) We cut taxes for small businesses. We cut taxes for first-time homebuyers. We cut taxes for parents trying to care for their children. We cut taxes for 8 million Americans paying for college. (Applause.)

I thought I’d get some applause on that one. (Laughter and applause.)  That line was because the republicans didn’t clap, because most of them can do math. 

As a result, millions of Americans had more to spend on gas which costs more because of your idiotic energy policies and food and other necessities which also costs more because all the extra hoops you’re making all business jump through, all of which helped businesses keep more workers. And we haven’t raised income taxes by a single dime on a single person. Not a single dime. Except for smokers, because screw those guys. (Applause.)

Besides… why would you need to raise taxes? We can just keep on spending and printing!  Hell, Obama is spending more, faster, than ever at any point in history. What could possibly go wrong?


Because of the steps we took, there are about two million Americans working right now who would otherwise be unemployed.
A magic unicorn told him so!  (Applause.) Two hundred thousand work in construction and clean energy; 300,000 are teachers and other education workers. Tens of thousands are cops, firefighters, correctional officers, first responders. (Applause.) And we’re on track to add another one and a half million jobs to this total by the end of the year.  Except what they’ve mostly done is hire more and more government employees, which the private sector gets to pay for, forever. 


The plan that has made all of this possible, from the tax cuts to the jobs, is the Recovery Act. (Applause.) That’s right — the Recovery Act, also known as the stimulus bill.
Also known as PORK PORK PORKITY POOOOORRRRKKKK!!!! (Applause.) Economists on the left and the right say this bill has helped save jobs and avert disaster. Nobody disagreed at all ever.  But you don’t have to take their word for it. Talk to the small business in Phoenix that will triple its workforce because of the Recovery Act. Talk to the window manufacturer in Philadelphia who said he used to be skeptical about the Recovery Act, until he had to add two more work shifts just because of the business it created. Talk to the single teacher raising two kids who was told by her principal in the last week of school that because of the Recovery Act, she wouldn’t be laid off after all.  

Yep. There are ABSOLUTEY NO DOWNSIDES.  The money that paid for those 3 individual stories came from a pot of magical gold that Barack found one morning at the end of a rainbow. He was led there by a leprechaun that looked suspiciously like Hu Jintao. 

Blah blah blah… I zoned out here for awhile.  It was more stuff about how life is tough, but Obama is going to make it all better.

Now, the true engine of job creation in this country will always be America’s businesses. Which is why he kicks America’s businesses in the crotch at every opportunity. (Applause.) But government can create the conditions necessary for businesses to expand and hire more workers. Which is why he hired all those new auditors, because nothing helps small business grow like being rectally probed!  

We should start where most new jobs do — in small businesses, companies that begin when — (applause) Hell, they’re even applauding in the middle of sentences now! – companies that begin when an entrepreneur — when an entrepreneur takes a chance on a dream, or a worker decides it’s time she became her own boss.  I’ve been an entrepreneur.  Trust me. Obama doesn’t know crap about being an entrepreneur. Through sheer grit and determination, these companies have weathered the recession and they’re ready to grow. But when you talk to small businessowners in places like Allentown, Pennsylvania, or Elyria, Ohio, thanks Google Earth! you find out that even though banks on Wall Street are lending again, they’re mostly lending to bigger companies. Because those are the ones that everyone knows you’ll bail out, oh master of Econ 101. Financing remains difficult for small businessowners across the country, even those that are making a profit.

So tonight, I’m proposing that we take $30 billion of the money Wall Street banks have repaid and use it to help community banks give small businesses the credit they need to stay afloat. Hey, we’re already drowning in debt and have sold our grandkids to China, let’s keep spending! WHOOO!  (Applause.) I’m also proposing a new small business tax credit
— one that will go to over one million small businesses who hire new workers or raise wages. (Applause.)
That said, I’m totally cool with getting rid of any tax.  While we’re at it, let’s also eliminate all capital gains taxes on small business investment, and provide a tax incentive for all large businesses and all small businesses to invest in new plants and equipment. (Applause.)  Once again, getting rid of taxes is awesome.  So I wonder how the democrats will manage to dick this up.

Next, we can put Americans to work today building the infrastructure of tomorrow. (Applause.) From the first railroads to the Interstate Highway System, our nation has always been built to compete.  Except the government managed to kill that.  There are like 40,000 pages of regulations relating to the production and sale of broccoli.  There’s no reason Europe or China should have the fastest trains, or the new factories that manufacture clean energy products. Except for the part where we’ve got the most regulations and the highest corporate tax rate.  We built the Golden Gate Bridge in the 1930s in 2 years.  You can’t get an environmental impact statement to put up a Tough Shed in your back yard in 2 years now.

Okay… This next bit was all about CLEAN ENERGY funded by the recovery act.  It was basically democrats masturbating to how awesome there are.  To give you an idea, this is from 3 paragraphs.  (Applause.)  (Applause.) — (applause) — (Applause.)  (Applause.) (Applause.)(Applause.)  (Applause.) (Applause.)  No. Seriously.

But the truth is, these steps won’t make up for the seven million jobs that we’ve lost over the last two years. Hell, with the seven million jobs he saved earlier, we’re even… What recession? The only way to move to full employment is to lay a new foundation for long-term economic growth, and finally address the problems that America’s families have confronted for years like being torn apart by wolves or having Rahm Emmanual lay his eggs in their chest.

We can’t afford another so-called economic “expansion” like the one from the last decade — what some call the “lost decade” – Yeah, that is a pretty good TV show.  where jobs grew more slowly than during any prior expansion; where the income of the average American household declined while the cost of health care and tuition reached record highs; where prosperity was built on a housing bubble and financial speculation. Blame Bush in 3, 2, 1 — From the day I took office, I’ve been told that addressing our larger challenges is too ambitious; such an effort would be too contentious. I’ve been told that I’m just too awesome and good looking. I’ve been told that our political system is too gridlocked, and that we should just put things on hold for a while.

For those who make these claims, I have one simple question: How long should we wait? How long should America put its future on hold? (Applause.) Seriously. WTF does that even mean?  So when conservatives disagree with ramming Marxist BS down our throats we’re “putting the future on hold”.

You see, Washington has been telling us to wait for decades, even as the problems have grown worse.  Meanwhile, China is not waiting to revamp its economy.  I’m sure all that interest we’re paying them don’t hurt. Germany is not waiting. India is not waiting. How many of them want Cap & Trade? These nations — they’re not standing still. These nations aren’t playing for second place. They’re in it to win it… says the guy who did the Apology Tour. They’re putting more emphasis on math and science. Hmmm… I wonder how strong their teacher’s unions are? They’re rebuilding their infrastructure. They’re making serious investments in clean energy because they want those jobs. Clean Energy.  Will you shut the hell up with the clean energy already.  Well, I do not accept second place for the United States of America. (Applause.)  That is a pretty shocking thing for the guy that keeps friggin’ BOWING to everyone to say.

As hard as it may be, as uncomfortable and contentious as the debates may become, it’s time to get serious about fixing the problems that are hampering our growth. Wait… Debate is good now?  I thought if you went to a Tea Party you were a threat to national security. 

I looked to Janet Napolitono, Defender of Homeland, at this point, but she was asleep.  Literally. 


Now, one place to start is serious financial reform. Look, I am not interested in punishing banks.
BWA HA HA HA Snort  I’m interested in protecting our economy. Lost interest at this point.  He’s talking about jobs again… Notice he hasn’t mentioned health care yet, but after getting decapitated in the special elections he’s just all about jobs! 

Now this is the clean energy bit again, because clean energy is like the magic Job Fairy.  Because 7 million people that are out of work are going to be building solar panels. (Applause.) financial reform (Applause.)  (Applause.) reform (Applause.) funding — (applause) — clean nuclear power plants in this country. (Applause.)  

Wait… What?  Did I hear Nuclear Power?  I was on Facebook and not paying attention. Did a democrat actually talk about NUCLEAR POWER and it wasn’t to demonize it?  (Applause.) clean coal (Applause.) clean energy (Applause.). (Applause.) bipartisan (Applause.) energy-efficiency and clean energy -clean energy economy (Applause.) Hell, if all this Clean Energy BS is about nukes, sign me up baby!  And all this time I thought it was for stupid poisonous light bulbs.

Third, we need to export more of our goods. (Applause.) (Applause.) (Applause.). (Applause.) (Applause.). (Applause.) (Applause.)  Eh… it was a bunch of stuff about being competitive, which is ironic since Washington has done everything in its power, democrat or republican to make business as inefficient as possible.

Fourth, we need to invest in the skills and education of our people. (Applause.) Now, this year, we’ve broken through the stalemate between left and right by launching a national competition to improve our schools. And the idea here is simple: Instead of rewarding failure, we only reward success.  And aren’t you in bed with the teacher’s unions? And wasn’t it the democrats who just hate the idea of school choice, home schooling, or letting inner-city kids go to charter schools?  Instead of funding the status quo, we only invest in reform — reform that raises student achievement; inspires students to excel in math and science; and turns around failing schools that steal the future of too many young Americans, from rural communities to the inner city. And I’ll believe that, when I see it.  In the 21st century, the best anti-poverty program around is a world-class education. (Applause.) And in this country, the success of our children cannot depend more on where they live than on their potential. Feel good crap.  So, how many felonies will it take before a NYC teacher can get fired now? Four?

When we renew the Elementary and Secondary Education Act, we will work with Congress to expand these reforms to all 50 states. Still, in this economy, a high school diploma no longer guarantees a good job. Because a diploma is worth exactly crap, because our schools suck.  That’s why I urge the Senate to follow the House and pass a bill that will revitalize our community colleges, So we’ll have the government meddle there, until a college degree is worth what a high school diploma used to be. which are a career pathway to the children of so many working families. (Applause.)  as opposed to non-working families, who will have to go to Crack-Whore Polytechnic.

To make college more affordable, this bill will finally end the unwarranted taxpayer subsidies that go to banks for student loans. (Applause.) Instead, we had the government take over ALL student loans, so that the government has total control over higher education.  let’s take that money and give families a $10,000 tax credit for four years of college and increase Pell Grants. (Applause.) And let’s tell another one million students that when they graduate, they will be required to pay only 10 percent of their income on student loans, and all of their debt will be forgiven after 20 years — and forgiven after 10 years if they choose a career in public service, because in the United States of America, no one should go broke because they chose to go to college. (Applause.)  Wait a second… So what you just did there, and actually got applause for, is that you just said that someone who chooses to work for the government is a higher caste…

And by the way, it’s time for colleges and universities to get serious about cutting their own costs — (applause) — because they, too, have a responsibility to help solve this problem.  Says the guy who went to Harvard, pointed out by the guy who went to Utah State.

Now, the price of college tuition is just one of the burdens facing the middle class. That’s why last year I asked Vice President Biden to chair a task force on middle-class families. President Biden couldn’t find the room.  That’s why we’re nearly doubling the child care tax credit,

Allow me to diverge here for a second and talk about this if you’re not aware.  This is also known as the Screw-Stay-At-Home-Moms bill.  Basically what the government is saying is that if you choose to make the sacrifice of living your life in a manner where you can live off of a single income, and one of the parents chooses to stay at home to raise their own kids instead of hired-strangers, you are a lower class citizen. 

Okay… If most of this address has been about the problems of A. High Unemployment, and B. Stupid Kids, then the thing to do, obviously, is promote a policy that will A. Cause more people to compete for limited jobs in the workforce, and B. Decrease parental involvement.  Hell, if you want to decrease unemployment and have smarter kids, give a tax cut to people who are Married Filing Jointly with a single income.  Every study has shown that the single most important thing in determining how well a kid does in school is parental involvement, plus now you’ll only be competing against fifty laid-off mortgage brokers for that fry-cook position instead of seventy because some of them decided to stay home and raise their own children.

 and making it easier to save for retirement by giving access to every worker a retirement account and expanding the tax credit for those who start a nest egg. I’m sure .gov controlled retirement accounts will NEVER be raided. Cough. Social Security. Cough. That’s why we’re working to lift the value of a family’s single largest investment — their home. The steps we took last year to shore up the housing market have allowed millions of Americans to take out new loans and save an average of $1,500 on mortgage payments. Because as we’ve seen, when the feds get involved in housing, nothing could possibly go wrong.

 And it is precisely to relieve the burden on middle-class families that we still need health insurance reform. Oh. It is on now, bitches. (Applause.) Yes, we do. (Applause.) Thanks, Captain Soundbyte.

Now, let’s clear a few things up. (Laughter.) I didn’t choose to tackle this issue to get some legislative victory under my belt. And by now it should be fairly obvious that I didn’t take on health care because it was good politics. (Laughter.) No. You took it on because you are a Marxist, pure and simple, and there is no better tool for total control of the masses than their very health.  I took on health care because of the stories I’ve heard from Americans with preexisting conditions whose lives depend on getting coverage; That could be done in a 15 page bill. patients who’ve been denied coverage; families — even those with insurance — who are just one illness away from financial ruin.

After nearly a century of trying — Democratic administrations, Republican administrations — we are closer than ever to bringing more security to the lives of so many Americans. You would think that after 100 years of the American people saying WE DON’T WANT IT, they might actually listen. The approach we’ve taken would protect every American from the worst practices of the insurance industry. By making it mandatory that you have to buy their product or the government fines you.  It would give small businesses and uninsured Americans a chance to choose an affordable health care plan in a competitive market. If by competitive, you mean suicidal. It would require every insurance plan to cover preventive care.  Are there actually any that DON’T?

And by the way, I want to acknowledge our First Lady, Michelle Obama, who this year is creating a national movement to tackle the epidemic of childhood obesity and make kids healthier. She is qualified because she has buffed arms for a chick. (Applause.) Thank you. She gets embarrassed. I would too if I was married to Steve Urkel. (Laughter.)

Our approach would preserve the right of Americans who have insurance to keep their doctor and their plan.  No. It wouldn’t. It would reduce costs and premiums for millions of families and businesses. Nope. It would do the opposite. And according to the Congressional Budget Office — the independent organization that both parties have cited as the official scorekeeper for Congress — our approach would bring down the deficit by as much as $1 trillion over the next two decades. You lying son of a bitch. Could you obfuscate an issue any further?  According to the CBO, if EVERYTHING went perfect, and the government was somehow efficient for the first time in human history, and all your budgets were accurate, and every projection was accurate, and it started raining Skittles every Thursday, it would still cost stupid amounts of money. (Applause.)

Still, this is a complex issue, and the longer it was debated, the more skeptical people became. That’s because we’re paying attention.  I take my share of the blame for not explaining it more clearly to the American people. I don’t care how good you explain it, a turd is a turd. Ernest Hemingway and William Shakespeare could describe the turd and it would still be a turd.  And I know that with all the lobbying and horse-trading, the process left most Americans wondering, “What’s in it for me?” Higher taxes, less choice, and faceless bureaucrats telling me what to do? Unless you live in Nebraska. (horse trading must be slang for bribery).

But I also know this problem is not going away. By the time I’m finished speaking tonight, more Americans will have lost their health insurance. Sixteen puppies die every second. Millions will lose it this year. Our deficit will grow. Says the guy who paid for a magnetic levitation bullet train from Vegas to Disneyland.  Premiums will go up. Patients will be denied the care they need. Small business owners will continue to drop coverage altogether. I will not walk away from these Americans, and neither should the people in this chamber. (Applause.) Hey, I know. Let’s address all those issues, where each one can have its own 10 page, readable bill, instead of a phone book sized abortion of Karl Marx mixed with the creature from Leviathan.

So, as temperatures cool, I want everyone to take another look at the plan we’ve proposed. Let me look.  Nope. Still made of poop. There’s a reason why many doctors, nurses, and health care experts who know our system best consider this approach a vast improvement over the status quo. You can recognize them because they always wear their labcoats when they go out in public. But if anyone from either party has a better approach that will bring down premiums, bring down the deficit, cover the uninsured, strengthen Medicare for seniors, and stop insurance company abuses, let me know. Uh… look at the right side of the room. (Applause.) Let me know. Let me know. (Applause.) I’m eager to see it. Yeah. Heard you the first time.

Here’s what I ask Congress, though: Don’t walk away from reform. Not now. Not when we are so close. Let us find a way to come together and finish the job for the American people. Ain’t gonna happen, you egomaniacal ass-muppet. (Applause.) Let’s get it done. Let’s get it done. (Applause.) Why do you keep repeating yourself?

Now, even as health care reform would reduce our deficit, it’s not enough to dig us out of a massive fiscal hole in which we find ourselves. Says the guy who dug the hole, with dynamite! It’s a challenge that makes all others that much harder to solve, and one that’s been subject to a lot of political posturing. So let me start the discussion of government spending by setting the record straight. Groan.

At the beginning of the last decade, the year 2000, America had a budget surplus of over $200 billion. (Applause.) By the time I took office, we had a one-year deficit of over $1 trillion and projected deficits of $8 trillion over the next decade. Most of this was the result of not paying for two wars, two tax cuts, and an expensive prescription drug program. On top of that, the effects of the recession put a $3 trillion hole in our budget. All this was before I walked in the door. (Laughter and applause.) Yep. All Bushes fault… Totally.  Progressive candy-ass republicans and a democrat controlled congress (that Barack was in, mind you) face-raped America into indentured servitude.

Now — just stating the facts. Now, if we had taken office in ordinary times, I would have liked nothing more than to start bringing down the deficit. But we took office amid a crisis. And our efforts to prevent a second depression have added another $1 trillion to our national debt. That, too, is a fact. I hate him so much.  I inherited this problem, so I tripled it.  Wah!

I’m absolutely convinced that was the right thing to do. But families across the country are tightening their belts and making tough decisions. The federal government should do the same. Hey, I can agree! (Applause.) So tonight, I’m proposing specific steps to pay for the trillion dollars that it took to rescue the economy last year. So let’s hear it.

WARNING! This next bit is so nonsensical that reading it is like being kicked in the eyes by AIDS.

Starting in 2011, we are prepared to freeze government spending for three years. (Applause.) Spending related to our national security, Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security will not be affected. But all other discretionary government programs will. Let me break that down in English.  Since we took the budget and inflated it to the highest level ever last year, we’re going to freeze it at the super high level! But only part of it.  Like any cash-strapped family, we will work within a budget to invest in what we need and sacrifice what we don’t. And if I have to enforce this discipline by veto, I will. Oh. He’s such a man’s man. Chris Matthews just had a tingle. (Applause.)

We will continue to go through the budget, line by line, page by page, to eliminate programs that we can’t afford and don’t work. We’ve already identified $20 billion in savings for next year. And that was just Nancy Pelosi’s botox bill. To help working families, we’ll extend our middle-class tax cuts. Most people call those the “Bush” tax cuts. But at a time of record deficits, we will not continue tax cuts for oil companies, for investment fund managers, and for those making over $250,000 a year. We just can’t afford it. (Applause.)  And the magic $250,000 number now means that small businesses get hosed, because guess how those get taxed?

Now, even after paying for what we spent on my watch, we’ll still face the massive deficit we had when I took office. You know what, if he pays off just what he’s run up in the last year, and doesn’t even get to what we ran up in the two centuries before that, I’ll be extremely impressed. More importantly, the cost of Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security will continue to skyrocket. That’s why I’ve called for a bipartisan fiscal commission, modeled on a proposal by Republican Judd Gregg and Democrat Kent Conrad. (Applause.) This can’t be one of those Washington gimmicks that lets us pretend we solved a problem. Oh, no, baby, I’ve cheated on you a hundred times, but if you take me back, this time’ll be different. I promise. The commission will have to provide a specific set of solutions by a certain deadline.

Now, yesterday, the Senate blocked a bill that would have created this commission. So I’ll issue an executive order that will allow us to go forward, because I refuse to pass this problem on to another generation of Americans. Wait a second. I thought he was supposed to be a great leader, and with super majorities in the house and senate he can’t set up a commission without an executive order? (Applause.) And when the vote comes tomorrow, the Senate should restore the pay-as-you-go law that was a big reason for why we had record surpluses in the 1990s. (Applause.)  No idea on that one, but at this point, if Obama told me the sun would rise in the East tomorrow, I’d still go out and check.

Now, I know that some in my own party will argue that we can’t address the deficit or freeze government spending when so many are still hurting. Don’t worry leftys, we’ll still spend like drunken sailors! And I agree — which is why this freeze won’t take effect until next year — (laughter) — when the economy is stronger. That’s how budgeting works. No. It isn’t. God, you are so stupid! Accountants everywhere are crying. (Laughter and applause.) But understand — understand if we don’t take meaningful steps to rein in our debt, it could damage our markets, increase the cost of borrowing, and jeopardize our recovery — all of which would have an even worse effect on our job growth and family incomes. As if the freeze is meaningful…

From some on the right, I expect we’ll hear a different argument — that if we just make fewer investments in our people code for wasteful social programs, extend tax cuts including those for the wealthier Americans also known as the ones that create jobs, eliminate more regulations those pesky things that make it so that we’re non-competitive, maintain the status quo on health care as opposed to sodomizing it with a giant octopus, our deficits will go away. The problem is that’s what we did for eight years. (Applause.) That’s what helped us into this crisis. It’s what helped lead to these deficits. We can’t do it again. Hey, Barack, did your Harvard education ever go over what was called a Strawman argument?

Rather than fight the same tired battles that have dominated Washington for decades, it’s time to try something new. Marxism? Let’s invest in our people without leaving them a mountain of debt. Let’s meet our responsibility to the citizens who sent us here. Let’s try common sense. (Laughter.) A novel concept.

Where the hell does the guy who throws around money like Michael Jackson at the Venetian get off lecturing us on common sense?

To do that, we have to recognize that we face more than a deficit of dollars right now. We face a deficit of trust — deep and corrosive doubts about how Washington works that have been growing for years. Growing for years. Launched into hyperspace since last November. To close that credibility gap we have to take action on both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue — to end the outsized influence of lobbyists; said the man who’s hired more former lobbyists to his staff than any other president and who’s most common visitors are union heads to do our work openly; like all those closed door healthcare meetings to give our people the government they deserve. (Applause.)

That’s what I came to Washington to do. That’s why — for the first time in history — my administration posts on our White House visitors online. Thank goodness Al Gore invented that thing! That’s why we’ve excluded lobbyists from policymaking jobs, or seats on federal boards and commissions. Flat out LIE.

But we can’t stop there. It’s time to require lobbyists to disclose each contact they make on behalf of a client with my administration or with Congress. It’s time to put strict limits on the contributions that lobbyists give to candidates for federal office. How much you want to be that unions aren’t going to count?

With all due deference to separation of powers, last week the Supreme Court reversed a century of law LIE that I believe will open the floodgates for special interests — including foreign corporations — to spend without limit in our elections. LIE. (Applause.) I don’t think American elections should be bankrolled by America’s most powerful interests, like the unions or worse, by foreign entities. unless it is George Soros. (Applause.) They should be decided by the American people. And I’d urge Democrats and Republicans to pass a bill that helps to correct some of these problems.

Even the Supreme Court Justices who were there were shocked by the blatant falseness of that claim.  McCain-Feingold dated back to 2002, which I guess is nearly a century of law, and foreign corporations are still prohibited by a different law that dates back to 1947.  In reality, all the Supremes said was that you can’t prohibit corporations from having free speech rights because in today’s modern media, the only way individual Americans can afford to have airtime is if they band together in corporations. 

I’m also calling on Congress to continue down the path of earmark reform. So after passing the stimulus, which was nothing but earmarks, you have the audacity to say that? Applause.) Democrats and Republicans. (Applause.) Democrats and Republicans. You’ve trimmed some of this spending, you’ve embraced some meaningful change. I hate that word so much now. But restoring the public trust demands more. For example, some members of Congress post some earmark requests online. (Applause.) Tonight, I’m calling on Congress to publish all earmark requests on a single Web site before there’s a vote, so that the American people can see how their money is being spent. (Applause.) So is that call for transparency going to go exactly like all the other promises that went right out the window after the election?

Of course, none of these reforms will even happen if we don’t also reform how we work with one another. Now, I’m not naïve. I never thought that the mere fact of my election would usher in peace and harmony — (laughter) — and some post-partisan era. Except he said that tons of times during the campaign. I knew that both parties have fed divisions that are deeply entrenched. Wait, which party was it that locked the other side out of the room during healthcare? And on some issues, there are simply philosophical differences that will always cause us to part ways. Because you are a socialist, and socialism goes with America like salt and snails. These disagreements, about the role of government in our lives, about our national priorities and our national security, they’ve been taking place for over 200 years. They’re the very essence of our democracy. Until he finds a way to destroy it.

But what frustrates the American people is a Washington where every day is Election Day. Says the guy who is only comfortable in permanent campaign mode. We can’t wage a perpetual campaign hey look, Michelle is on Iron Chef! where the only goal is to see who can get the most embarrassing headlines about the other side — a belief that if you lose, I win. When you lose, America wins. Neither party should delay or obstruct every single bill just because they can. Hey, how did Obama vote when Bush was trying to get those federal judges confirmed? The confirmation of — (applause) — I’m speaking to both parties now. The confirmation of well-qualified public servants shouldn’t be held hostage to the pet projects or grudges of a few individual senators. (Applause.)  Yes, if you hold up the confirmation of somebody who is an avowed communist, fisting-proponent for fourteen year olds, tax-cheat, union thug, Mao fan, or eugenics lunatic, then it must be because you just have a partisan grudge.

Washington may think that saying anything about the other side, no matter how false, no matter how malicious, is just part of the game. Returning vets are the greatest threat to homeland security, don’cha know? Tea Part—baggers are racists who threaten violence. But it’s precisely such politics that has stopped either party from helping the American people. Worse yet, it’s sowing further division among our citizens, further distrust in our government. Trust must be EARNED.

So, no, I will not give up on trying to change the tone of our politics. It is Bush’s fault. I know it’s an election year. And after last week, it’s clear that campaign fever has come even earlier than usual. Now, see, here there should have been (Applause) But we still need to govern.

To Democrats, I would remind you that we still have the largest majority in decades, and the people expect us to solve problems, not run for the hills. Pansies (Applause.) And if the Republican leadership is going to insist that 60 votes in the Senate are required to do any business at all in this town — a supermajority — then the responsibility to govern is now yours as well. Just ask yourself how incredibly lame the law must be if the democrats can’t get Olympia Snow or Lindsay Graham to switch? (Applause.) Just saying no to everything may be good short-term politics, but it’s not leadership. Saying No to something wrong never goes out of style. We were sent here to serve our citizens, not our ambitions. How big is Nancy Pelosi’s tax-payer funded jet again? (Applause.) So let’s show the American people that we can do it together. (Applause.)

Go screw yourself.

This week, I’ll be addressing a meeting of the House Republicans. I’d like to begin monthly meetings with both Democratic and Republican leadership. I know you can’t wait. (Laughter.) That should be (nervous laughter)

Throughout our history, no issue has united this country more than our security. Sadly, some of the unity we felt after 9/11 has dissipated. Bush’s fault. We can argue all we want about who’s to blame for this, Bush but I’m not interested in re-litigating the past, which is why I’ve only done it four times so far tonight. I know that all of us love this country. All of us are committed to it defense-attorneys’ for terrorist. So let’s put aside the schoolyard taunts about who’s tough. It sure as hell isn’t the guy who is bowing. Let’s reject the false choice between protecting our people and upholding our values. Let’s leave behind the fear and division, I’ll admit, I’m certainly afraid of socialism! and do what it takes to defend our nation and forge a more hopeful future — for America and for the world. (Applause.)

That’s the work we began last year. Since the day I took office, we’ve renewed our focus on the terrorists who threaten our nation. Really? Say what you will about Bush, and yes, he sucked, but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t exactly a slacker in the Killing Terrorists department. We’ve made substantial investments in our homeland security and random Dutchmen disrupted plots that threatened to take American lives. We are filling unacceptable gaps revealed by the failed Christmas attack, with better airline security and swifter action on our intelligence. We’ve prohibited torture oh good, because that was keeping me up at nights… and strengthened partnerships from the Pacific to South Asia to the Arabian Peninsula. And in the last year, hundreds of al Qaeda’s fighters and affiliates, including many senior leaders, have been captured or killed — far more than in 2008. Bush’s fault.

And in Afghanistan, we’re increasing our troops and training Afghan security forces so they can begin to take the lead in July of 2011, and our troops can begin to come home. World peace has officially been put on the calendar! (Applause.) We will reward good governance, work to reduce corruption, and support the rights of all Afghans — men and women and goat alike. (Applause.) We’re joined by allies and partners who have increased their own commitments, and who will come together tomorrow in London to reaffirm our common purpose. There will be difficult days ahead. But I am absolutely confident we will succeed. Nothing says confidence like publically telling the enemy when you’re pulling out.

As we take the fight to al Qaeda, we are responsibly leaving Iraq to its people. As a candidate, I promised that I would end this war, and that is what I am doing as President. We will have all of our combat troops out of Iraq by the end of this August. And I’ll believe it when I see it. (Applause.) We will support the Iraqi government — we will support the Iraqi government as they hold elections, and we will continue to partner with the Iraqi people to promote regional peace and prosperity. But make no mistake: This war is ending, and all of our troops are coming home. (Applause.)  

Tonight, all of our men and women in uniform — in Iraq, in Afghanistan, and around the world — they have to know that we — that they have our respect, our gratitude, our full support and the watchful eye of Janet Napolitano on them. And just as they must have the resources they need in war, we all have a responsibility to support them when they come home. (Applause.) That’s why we made the largest increase in investments for veterans in decades — last year. (Applause.) That’s why we’re building a 21st century VA, after we failed in our attempt to tax their benefits. And that’s why Michelle has joined with Jill Biden to forge a national commitment to support military families and obese children. (Applause.)

Now, even as we prosecute two wars, we’re also confronting perhaps the greatest danger to the American people — the threat of nuclear weapons. I’ve embraced the vision of John F. Kennedy and Ronald Reagan really? He went there? through a strategy that reverses the spread of these weapons and seeks a world without them. Yeah… that sounds just like Reagan. To reduce our stockpiles and launchers, while ensuring our deterrent, the United States and Russia are completing negotiations on the farthest-reaching arms control treaty in nearly two decades. Putin is so excited he strangled a bear with his bare hands. (Applause.) And at April’s Nuclear Security Summit, we will bring 44 nations together here in Washington, D.C. behind a clear goal: securing all vulnerable nuclear materials around the world in four years, so that they never fall into the hands of terrorists. I’m sure Iran thought this part was friggin’ hilarious.(Applause.)

Here comes some feel good pablum. (Applause.) . (Applause.). (Applause.) Always. (Applause.) I got up and went to the bathroom.

Okay, I’m back. Where where we?  My administration has a Civil Rights Division that is once again prosecuting civil rights violations and employment discrimination. Oh, this is the part where he lists all his accomplishments and tries to not look like a complete failure. (Applause.) We finally strengthened our laws to protect against crimes driven by hate. Because you don’t really tend to murder people you like. (Applause.) This year, I will work with Congress and our military to finally repeal the law that denies gay Americans the right to serve the country they love because of who they are. What is this, 1993? I guess he’s throwing a bone to the HuffPo and Moveon.orgers who’ve been just as shortchanged by his pathetic presidency as the rest of us (Applause.) It’s the right thing to do. (Applause.)

Fire up the Way Back Machine, kids. We’re going to crack down on violations of equal pay laws — so that women get equal pay for an equal day’s work. We went from 1993 to 1964? (Applause.) And we should continue the work of fixing our broken immigration system — to secure our borders how’s that fence coming? and enforce our laws, and ensure that everyone who plays by the rules can contribute to our economy and enrich our nation. (Applause.)

That’s it? That’s the accomplishments portion? 

This next paragraph was the idealistic bombast to signal the end. I pulled out the fluff for you.  ideals,  values  — values  immigrants values  responsibilities  families  lend a hand give back pride labor generous values values  values values. values.  Wow.  Didn’t they have thesauruses at Harvard?

Unfortunately, too many of our citizens have lost faith that our biggest institutions — our corporations, welfare for anybody who can afford a lobbyist, our media a bunch of shills and propaganda whores who couldn’t tell the truth if their lives depended on it, and, yes, our government YA THINK!– still reflect these same values. No. Frankly, they don’t.  Each of these institutions are full of honorable men and women doing important work that helps our country prosper. Yes. The New York Times and NBC are just chock full of people with “values” and they always tell the truth and help kittens out of trees But each time a CEO rewards himself for failure, or a banker puts the rest of us at risk for his own selfish gain, people’s doubts grow. Each time lobbyists game the system or politicians tear each other down instead of lifting this country up, we lose faith. We don’t lose faith because you’re uncivil to each other, we lose faith because you’re a bunch of liars and thieves. The more that FOX TV pundits reduce serious debates to silly arguments, big issues into sound bites, our citizens turn away.  

Okay… so the news (i.e. Glenn Beck, because all those other networks are straight shooters) is guilty of reducing big issues into sound bites by having hour long specials explaining how T Bills work, but Mr. Yes-We-Can-Hope-&-Change-Fired-Up-Ready-To-Go can explain away 2,000 pages of dense legal jargon into a sentence about how wouldn’t it be nifty if people with preexisting conditions could get healthcare. Gotcha.

No wonder there’s so much cynicism out there. No wonder there’s so much disappointment. Yes. I’m shocked.

I campaigned on the promise of change — change we can believe in, the slogan went. And right now, I know there are many Americans who aren’t sure if they still believe we can change — or that I can deliver it.  I pray to God every night that can can’t.

But remember this — I never suggested that change would be easy, or that I could do it alone, I need George Soros and Saul Alinsky. Democracy in a nation of 300 million people can be noisy and messy and complicated. If only all those lower caste red staters would just shut up and listen! And when you try to do big things and make big changes, it stirs passions and controversy. That’s just how it is.

Those of us in public office can respond to this reality by playing it safe and avoid telling hard truths and pointing fingers. We can do what’s necessary to keep our poll numbers high, and get through the next election instead of doing what’s best for the next generation. News flash. Your poll numbers haven’t slipped because you’re so brave and courageous.  They’ve slipped because you’re the Boy Band of Politics. You’ve got no real talent, but you look pretty, and are pretty much fabrication of media over-saturation. And now, like all boy bands, the luster has worn off and the people are starting to hate you. 

But I also know this: If people had made that decision 50 years ago (when the Reptoids invaded), or 100 years ago (the 1910 Oyster Rebellion), or 200 years ago (the great sponge shortage), we wouldn’t be here tonight. The only reason we are here is because generations of Americans were unafraid to do what was hard; like stand up against healthcare to do what was needed even when success was uncertain like voting for Scott Brown; to do what it took to keep the dream of this nation alive for their children and their grandchildren like voting Obama the hell out of office.

Our administration has had some political setbacks this year, that is like saying that the big rock that fell out of space 65 million years ago was a “setback” for the dinosaurs and some of them were deserved. But I wake up every day knowing that they are nothing compared to the setbacks that families all across this country have faced this year. The greatest setback I had this year was when I woke up January 1st and said, “damn it, we elected a *&%^ing Marxist  And what keeps me going — what keeps me fighting if you can refer to limp wristed flailing as “fighting”– is that despite all these setbacks, that spirit of determination and optimism, that fundamental decency that has always been at the core of the American people, that lives on.

It lives on in the struggling small business owner who wrote to me of his company, “None of us,” he said, “…are willing to consider, even slightly, that we might fail because I can afford a legion of lobbyists and play golf with Timmy Geitner.”  – Chairman of Bear Sterns

It lives on in the woman who said that even though she and her neighbors have felt the pain of recession, “We are strong. We are resilient. We are American.” Which is awesome, unless that was on a sign at a Tea Party, because then she is a racist hatemonger.

It lives on in the 8-year-old boy in Louisiana, who just sent me his allowance and asked if I would give it to the people of Haiti. ­He said that while the Marines were there, then they might as well install a decent government for those poor folks.

And it lives on in all the Americans who’ve dropped everything to go someplace they’ve never been and pull people they’ve never known from the rubble, prompting chants of “U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A!” when another life was saved. Michelle Obama said that it was the 2nd time she’s been proud to be an American. Briefly.   

The spirit that has sustained this nation for more than two centuries lives on in you, its people. We have finished a difficult year. We have come through a difficult decade. But a new year has come. A new decade stretches before us, I figure I can stretch this recession through at least half of it through meddling, FDR style. We don’t quit. I don’t quit. A man can dream, can’t he? (Applause.) Let’s seize this moment — to start anew, to carry the dream forward, and to strengthen our union once more. (Applause.)

Thank you everyone on the left side of the room. God bless you except for the Supreme Court. And God bless the United States of America. (Applause.)

 

http://news.discovery.com/space/aurora-mystery-solved.html

Oh, they just want you to think that this is the aurora reflecting off a satelite…

No, my friends. That is a giant, glowing, mother f’ing  jellyfish in the sky.  And you guys thought I made up that part of MHI, didn’t you?

Authorpalooza

http://store-locator.barnesandnoble.com/event/3025090

Saturday, February 6th at the Sandy Barnes & Noble.  30 authors enter… Only one will survive!  Oh… wait, that’s the Royal Rumble.  My mistake. 

Yep, it is a book signing/event with 30 different authors.  I don’t even know who all is going to be there, but if you’re in the area, stop by.  I’ll be doing a signing.  I know Paul Genesse will be there too, since he’s the guy that alerted me to it.  It should be fun.

I’m participating at a writing workshop at BYU

This is John Brown’s baby, I’m just tagging along to help out.  Here are the details:

http://johndbrown.com/2010/01/new-workshop-how-to-write-a-story-that-rocks/

I’ll also be on a bunch of panels that weekend.  (last year I was a guest, this year I’m a SPECIAL guest, which I suppose means I’m moving up in the world)  If you like to write and you can make it, I recommend LTUE.  It is a blast.

Hitler finds out how much the Bushmaster ACR is going to cost

Warning, Hitler swears a lot, but then again, so did I when I found out how much it was going to be.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BB0Pu-rvFjs

I saw the Masada when it was first unveiled at SHOT.  For $1,500, I was totally down for one.  For another thousand bucks… Meh.

WOOT!! Go Mass!

Die, healthcare! DIE!

That is all.

GO SCOTT BROWN!

Go Scott Brown! 

The fact that there is even a race for the seat that Ted Kennedy kept warm for 47 years is shocking.  There are three times as many registered democrats in Massachusetts as there are republicans.  This would be like Orrin Hatch dying and Utah electing Rocky Anderson to replace him.

Hmmm… how popular is that whole health care thing again?  Pay attention democrats who are voting on this piece of crap that nobody likes or understands.  This is Massa-friggin-chusetts we’re talking about here.  Up until this week I thought that there was only a couple of republicans in the whole state, and one of those was JayG from MArooned.  Now, in the bluest of blue states, you are neck to neck. Would you like to keep your cushy job?

People are pissed. They’re out of work. They’re broke. The companies they’re working for are hurting, and they sure as hell aren’t going to start hiring when they suspect they’re going to get sodomized with a garden weasel this year.  The stock exchange takes an upward jump as soon as there is a teensy possibility that Brown could become the 41st vote and block this thing… but you still don’t seem to get the message. 

Maybe getting your ass kicked in Kennedytopia will get your attention?  Heck, even being close should scare the crap out of you.  It doesn’t get much bluer than Mass.  What’s going to happen in normal purple America?  I think it will be remembered as ELECTION 2010 – THE BLOODLETTING.

Reporter gets shoved around by a thug in Mass election.

http://spectator.org/blog/2010/01/12/weekly-standard-reporter-pushe

Watch the video.  Interesting…

Now ask yourself, if this reporter had been from MSNBC or the New York Times and had been shoved around by a Republican candidate’s people, do you think there might be a teensy bit of coverage?   There would probably be 24 hour coverage on every network and all sorts of outrage and demands for hearings.  But since it is a guy from a conservative magazine who gets shoved around by a DNC employee it is like, meh, whatever.  That’s what he gets for standing in the way of progress.  

Personally, if I had been the reporter, I would have knocked Mr. Meehan the $%& out. But then again, that’s probably why I wouldn’t be a very good reporter.

I’m also loving how the race for Ted Kennedy’s seat in the absolute bluest of blue states is now actually a race. Take note democrats who voted for this stupid health care monstrosity.  If voting for the piece of crap can get you fired in Kennedytopia, imagine what is going to happen to you in regular purple America.

Correia’s simple rules for understanding racism

So the illustrious Harry Reid said that the pre-royal Obama was light skinned enough to get elected and only spoke with a “negro dialect” when it was convenient.  For some reason this has upset some people.

You guys just aren’t listening.  As a “wise Latino” I tried to explain how this whole racism thing works before but you guys still don’t get it.  Here, go back and read the post from September.  http://larrycorreia.wordpress.com/2009/09/16/it-doesnt-matter-what-we-say-anyway/

For the record, Harry Reid would consider me “light skinned” too. But I do tan extremely well.

So, once again, let me try to break this down for all the haters, southerners, rednecks, gun nuts, and right wing fanatics that frequent this blog, that is, if you can quit building pipe bombs and burning crosses long enough to pay attention… Whitey.   If you follow Correia’s simple Rules of Racism, you too will be as wise as the staff of the New York Times.

I know that this can be rather complicated. I know that you’re saying to yourself, “but Correia, I don’t have a racist bone in my body!”  Listen, buddy, it doesn’t matter if you marched across the Selma Bridge with Martin Luther King and have been personally devoured by Birmingham police German Shepherds while being sprayed with a fire hose right after getting married to a blind dyslexic  Jamaican/Chinese/Honduran/Polynesian/Kenyan transsexual midget with polio.  If the media says you’re bigot, you are, so you damn well better learn the rules.  There is only one, so it shouldn’t be too hard.

Rule Number One! (or would that be Uno?  Hmmm….)

  1. Anything done, thought, said, created, or imagined by a republican, conservative, or libertarian, is automatically RACIST if it is convenient.  Anything done by a liberal, Hollywood type, progressive, socialist, democrat, or Kayne West is automatically NOT RACIST.  This will be referred to as Rule #1. 

So let’s go through some examples.

If you use the word Negro in casual conversation anytime after 1954 = RACIST.  Unless you’re a democrat senator, then NOT RACIST.  The same thing if you say that the black guy is only qualified to serve you coffee. That would be bad for most of us, but if you were once a democrat president then you’re good to hook.  (on a related topic, this is also the loophole that allows you to be a womanizing misogynist and still get supported by feminists!)

If you refer to “Negro Dialect” = RACIST. (unless it violates Rule #1 obviously)  And besides, everyone knows that the correct term is Ebonics. 

On that note, if you joke about Ebonics and how if that’s how you talk then you’ll never be able to get a real job because you sound like an illiterate moron, then that is RACIST.  If you are employed in professional education and you think that tax money should be used to teach Ebonics as a legitimate substitute for English because people from the inner-city are incapable of learning English, then that is NOT RACIST.

If you make a movie (Transformers) where Anthony Anderson screams “Momma don’t like no po-leece on the carpet!” or “You’se gots to eats up all the doughnuts or they’ll think you’se guilty! Oh noes, I done ates up all dem doughnuts and I’m sick!” then that is NOT RACIST.  If the sequel has buck-toothed, big eared, gold-toothed, bling wearing, jive talking robots, then well… even Rule #1 has its limits.

On the same note, I remember reading a review of Black Hawk Down, where the reviewer was offended that all of the bad guys were black… Keeping in mind that this was a movie about a true event that took place in Somalia… Historical accuracy is RACIST!   

Back on topic, if you were a KKK recruiter, then you are obviously RACIST.  Unless you’re Robert Byrd, who happens to be a democrat senator. Because then it was okay because everyone else was burning crosses too back then. (not really, but that is the narrative)

If you wish a happy birthday to an old man and say something positive about his presidential campaign from SIX DECADES ago, and that campaign was based on segregation… well, this one may seem complicated, because it was a segregationist DEMOCRAT presidential campaign, but see Rule #1.  If you are republican, you resign in immediate shame. 

If you have an organization that only allows white people to join, then you are a RACIST.  If you have an organization that only allows black people to join, like the Congressional Black Congress, then that is NOT RACIST. 

Now this isn’t just limited to politics. You can apply it everywhere in life!  Basically take anything that makes sense and flip it on its head and you will be as sensitive to race relations as the staff of CNN!

If you have a US Army officer who is going off about how wonderful jihad is and how suicide bombers are just misunderstood, and you actually pay attention to him with the idea that he might, just might, be dangerous.  RACIST!!!!  In fact, that would be so racist that instead you better promote him.  NOT RACIST.  Much better.

In that vein, if you have a guy from Africa, flying one way, with no luggage, who paid in cash, whose name is something like Mohammad Allah Jihad Kaboom, and you pull him out of line at the airport for the random pat down. RACIST!  Instead after he fails to blow up the plane because of a miscalculation in the formulation of his underwear bomb and gets his ass kicked by a random Dutchman, you should step up other non-racist defensive measures. Like patting down more old ladies from Delaware or making it so that you can’t have a laptop or blanket in the last hour of the flight. (because everyone knows bombs only work in the last hour of the flight, silly).

Let’s say that you are a democrat and you do something really, blatantly stupid. Don’t worry. Because somebody will come along and cite your “strong track record on civil rights”.  This is an interesting choice of words if you think about it.  How many politicians can you think of that actually say they are against “civil rights?” That would be like coming out and saying that you are against puppies and rainbows.  Having a strong track record on civil rights is code for voting for socialist crap at every chance, but it does get you a total pass for talking about light-skinned negroes being kept in their place serving you coffee.

The key thing to remember, my honky readership, is that it is totally okay to be a complete jackass as long as you’re a progressive.  Look at Woodrow Wilson. The man was quoted in Birth of a Nation for goodness sakes! He hated black people, and he’s a friggin’ democrat hero.  NOT RACIST!  On the other hand Ronald Reagan thought that maybe aborting millions of black children might be bad. RACIST HATE MONGER!!!!

As a progressive, anything and everything you do is okay in the eyes of the establishment.  You can use racist terminology and Al Sharpton himself will come to your defense. You can be accused of sexual assault on half a dozen occasions and still be a champion of feminism. You can get drunk, drown an innocent girl in your car, and be a friggin’ superstar.  Hell, even Harry Reid complained about how smelly the ugly tourists were in the capitol and nobody cared.  DOUCHEBAG! BUT NOT A RACIST!

Tiger Woods apparently prefers white chicks.  QUESTION MARK!  I heard some idiot talking head going on about how that is RACIST because the guy who is mostly Asian and part black cheated on his Norwegian supermodel wife with over a dozen cocktail waitresses… (he actually said that Tiger had been co-opted by the “white establishment” and the other talking heads nodded along like that made any kind of sense) but since the news has actually been poking at him, I’ve got to assume that Tiger is conservative… Therefore he is RACIST!  Unless he runs for office as a democrat, then see rule #1.

Mel Gibson got drunk and said bad things about Jews… This is a tough one.  He’s from Hollywood, but then again, he made a movie about Jesus…  I’m assuming RACIST!   Jews are a tough one. If you say something negative about Jews, and you are, for example, Jesse Jackson, then it is obviously okay.  This also carries over to saying anything negative about Israel, because apparently Jews with guns don’t count.  “I like Israelis and fully support them when they bomb the ever living crap out of their idiot car-bombing, schoolyard murdering, terrorist scumbag neighbors.”  OBVIOUS RACIST!!!

With practice this can become a simple little exercise. You don’t even need facts!  With my simple one step system all you need is a name and you can immediately jump to whatever conclusion you want and be perfectly justified even before you hear what they said.  Rush Limbaugh! RACIST!  Clarence Thomas! RACIST!  Che Guevara! NOT RACIST! Tea Party! RACIST! Louis Farrakhan! NOT RACIST!  It is a brilliant system. 

Now go forth and be enlightened.

Passing of a good man

I just learned that Byron Quick has passed away. 

I never had the opportunity to meet Byron in person, but I’ve known him online for years.   He was a funny, smart, clever, honorable, honest, just all around good guy.  We were on staff together at THR, and I always looked forward to speaking with him.  Byron was one of the first people who read my fiction and encouraged me to keep writing. 

He will be missed.

http://www.thehighroad.org/showthread.php?p=6175898#post6175898

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