B Movie Review: Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter


As an admitted B movie nerd, I’ve seen a lot of low budget flicks.  I review some of them on the blog, and from what I’ve gathered, a couple people actually read these.  I ran into Julie at the Sugerhouse book signing.  I met her last year at MountainCon.  She gave me a DVD, and assured me that it was one of the most amazingly awesome bad movies ever made, and that I absolutely had to review it here on MHN. 

So last night I finally had a chance to pop Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter, into my player, and Mrs. Correia and I enjoyed a night of the savior using kung-fu to fight vampire lesbians and militant atheists with the help of a masked luchadore on the mean streets of Ottawa…

Wow. I don’t even know where to start.  That description alone should tell you a lot.  Julie was right. For people like me who have that negative gene that makes us crave shaky cam, low budgets, and actors who were paid in beer, this is a must see. In this case, the beer is Canadian, and the giant cast was obviously grabbed from whoever was available, including in the director’s mom.  (no literally, I went back and listened to the commentary).  

The basic plot is that vampires are killing people, so the church calls in their ultimate butt kicker.  Jesus appears to be about 5’2” and has no problem busting out teeth or musical numbers. After getting a hair cut, shave, and his ears pierced, he takes it to the vampires, Canadian style, with lots of badly choreographed fight scenes, dirt bikes, pool cue stabbings, and random bits of awesome.

The main bad guys are the guy who wrote the movie, and a mad scientist who looks vaguely like a young Glenn Beck. His nefarious scheme had something to do with skinning lesbians, so that they could graft the skin onto vampires so they could go out into the sun. (everyone knows lesbians are at least SPF 50). 

Jesus is joined by a few staunch allies, most of who are killed the first time they try to help.  Mary Magnum wears a red velour body suit, for some indecipherable reason, but her kung fu is weak, and she gets bitten quickly.   (on that note, when Mary was getting bitten by the vampire, my wife said “Boy, they’re big on cleavage and straddling.”  My response was “Well, who isn’t?”)

 A couple of priests, including Johnny Nukem from Guitar Hero, get similarly dispatched. Only Santos, the masked wrestler, (a fat guy in a Destro mask) is able to stay the course, kill vampires with tooth picks, and score himself a chunky girl.  God himself also makes a cameo as a bowl of cherry ice cream.

Yes.  As you may have guessed, this is slightly blasphemous.   But in the movie’s defense, it was in good silly fun, instead of that obnoxious self-righteous way movies usually treat Christianity.  (isn’t it ironic that the most holier-than-thou people I’ve ever met have been atheists?)   Anyway, if you judge your religion based on a B movie, or even worse, you get super offended when somebody makes jokes about your beliefs, you’ve got some serious issues.  (You drew a cartoon of Mohammed with a bomb? For that we must blow up your city!!!)  Just enjoy the kung-fu, skateboarding musical numbers, and get on with life.

JCVH had heart. Apparently this movie was made for about nothing, over a two year period, filming on weekends whenever they could get all their friends together. The acting varies from atrocious to okay, but you can tell that they had a lot of fun making this bad boy.  It is cheese, but it is enjoyable cheese.   

Thanks for the DVD. This one rocked.

MHI engraved sideplate for S&W 625



Engraved by Jim Lowe of Montclaire VA.   The owner will send more pics when it is on the gun. Very cool.


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