Pork Pork Porkety PORK!

I’ve been told that because of the state of economy, the government has to do SOMETHING!!!!

 

Well, apparently, that something is the largest pork bill in history. This thing is made of pig stacked on top of pig, sheathed in bacon, bristling with radioactive pork chops, and cemented together with mortar made of Spam and aerosol cheese. Altogether it is a hulking behemoth of porcine evil capable of simultaneously kicking the living shit out of Godzilla, King Kong, and Gamera the Space Turtle without breaking a sweat.

 

This is the biggest single spending bill in history. Congress debated it for less than an hour.

 

I don’t know about you guys, but when I think about what will create jobs, I immediately think of $150,000,000 for bee insurance. I think about billions of dollars going to the frauds at ACORN. I think of 20 billion for foodstamps, billions for arts and entertainment, billions for abortion and contraceptives, billions going to already rich major universities, billions more to go to Pell Grant so that those major universities can just jack up tuition again, billions for every retarded moronic idiotic stinking stupid thing you can think of, and why the hell not? It’s only OUR money.

 

It isn’t a stimulus plan, it is just a giant list of stuff the Democrats have wanted forever and payoffs to the various douche bags who colluded to get Obama elected. So it is a tiny bit worse than the idiotic Republican plan that consisted of giving money to stupid companies so that the managers could still get their billions in bonuses.  Our government is insane.

 

We’re heading down a very bad road here and I’m not sure where it is going to end up.

MHI sample chapter just got Digged

Okay, I’m not really familiar with Digg, but I just noticed a bunch of hits coming in for my posted sample chapter of MHI.

http://digg.com/general_sciences/Monster_Hunter_International_First_Chapter

If I understand it right, if you like something, you Digg it, so that other people will see that it is cool. So basically it is to share the love.

Okay, so if you’re an MHI fan and you’re registered on Digg, could you do me a favor and Digg it? I need to sell me some books!

The Idiossey

I found this posted at Lawdogs, from Iowahawk.  It is absolutely awesome. http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2009/01/the-idiossey.html

Homer would be proud. It is like the Illiad, but about a moron.

Panelist at more Sci-Fi Cons

I will be on a creative writing panel at http://ltue.byu.edu/2009Home.html on Saturday, Feb 21 at 4:00.  I get to meet Tracy Hickman! How cool is that? I was reading Tracy Hickman when I was a teenager.

I will be on some panels at Conduit on the weekend of May 22nd. But I don’t know which ones yet. http://conduit.sfcon.org/ Eric Flint will be there. I’m going to have to get him to autograph my copy of 1632. We should hang out or something. He’s a Baen author, I’m a Baen author, except I’ve published one novel and he’s published like 50 best-sellers. Okay, maybe he’ll let me buy him lunch or something.

SHOT Show review from Cornered Cat

http://www.corneredcat.com/Reviews/shot-2009.aspx

This review is from my friend Kathy Jackson, editor extraordinare. I told her she could shoot me in the face with that Kimber pepper blaster. Why not?

Movie Review: Curse of El Charro

One advantage of being unemployed in a down economy, besides writing 80,000 words of your next novel in one month, is that you get to watch a lot of movies. (Oh, man, I need to find a job soon…) And as many of you know, I seek out anything B grade or lower, or with monsters. There’s an occasional actual budget movie in there, but the cheaper, the better. I’ve been too busy working on the novelization of Mr. Nightcrawler to post reviews, but the one I saw last night was just begging for a review.

 

Curse Of El Charro: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0401271/

 

Okay, now this one was really bad. For brief moments it would occasionally verge on awesome, but then it would just kind of descend into ‘meh’. Supposedly (according to the box) Danny Trejo stars in it, but for the life of me, I can’t remember actually seeing him. Instead El Charro is staffed by a bunch of mediocre actresses, whose primary skill set can de described as being hot and bickering. Later they’re joined by another host of nobodies that you don’t care about either, so they can all get massacred.

 

There are four main characters, weepy Mexican chick, friendly-hot-white chick, bitchy-hot-black chick, and bitchy-hot-goth chick, so as you can see, this movie is totally a deep exploration of both race relations and women’s issues. Like a lot of low budget movies, there seems to be this idea that dialog needs to be made up of petty bickering, because I don’t know about you guys, but nothing is funner than listening to morons harp on each other for an hour before whatever the monster is shows up and kills everyone.

 

The basic plot is that weepy Mexican chick’s sister kills herself, so she’s sad, and having visions, so her roommate, hot-white chick, decides what she needs is a vacation to Saguaro Arizona. (which is a convenient random vacation destination when you’re descended from the cursed bloodline of Saguaro) If they had randomly gone to like Fort Lauderdale or something then this would have just been a Girls Gone Wild video.

 

Random crap happens on the road trip for the first hour that has absolutely no bearing on the plot whatsoever. I mean seriously, there are long patches of time filled with bickering, weeping, more bickering, visions, a long diversion about how sleazy girls can get out of traffic tickets, and then our heroes stop at a dive bar where a retarded guy sings a really repetitive song that was rejected by Nine Inch Nails. There’s some lame attempt at foreshadowing the upcoming Deus Ex Machina, but when it is that nonsensical I don’t know if it actually counts as foreshadowing.

 

El Charro makes another classic mistake. They make their characters so unlikable that you frankly don’t care if they live or die. Good horror movies have unlikable characters, so despicable that you find yourself hoping for their death. Bad horror movies, you just don’t care, but you’re hoping for their death just to speed the plot along or to shut them up. The black chick and the goth chick spend their whole time making fun of the weepy chick, “Yeah, she just found her sister’s dead body, bitch is straight up crazy ya’ll.” “You go girl.”

 

And on the dialog. Okay, I don’t know who wrote the dialog for the black chick, but come on. I lived in an inner-city area that was 98% African-American. I don’t care how black you are, nobody talks like that. “I’m gonna straight up set it off and go down on some suckas up in here ya’ll woot woot sistah you go girl straight up trippin’ yo.” Give it a rest. You are not Ludacris. Ludacris can’t do Ludacris for more than ten minutes. Just relax.

 

Eventually they gather up some more cannon-fodder/college students. The viewer still doesn’t have an idea what’s going on, so there is a convenient slide-show to explain the plot. No, I’m not making it up. It was a mystical-vision-quest SLIDE SHOW. Sorry, Weepy Chick, the evil ghost of Danny Trejo (or so the box says, I’m still not sure) is coming for you. And Danny Trejo is like the Mexican Chuck Norris so you’re as good as dead.

 

Seriously, Danny Trejo rocks. I’m going to watch Machete opening day. Robert Rodriguez is one of my favorite directors, (hell, I read his book) I loved Planet Terror, and Danny Trejo riding a motorcycle with a minigun all in a grindhouse epic? Sign me up!

 

Oh, wait, that’s right, I was talking about a BAD movie. Sorry, got distracted… So the cannon-fodder shows up. The ghost of El Charro turns out to be a zombie in a poncho with a machete and he starts randomly hacking in the general direction of the actors as they lay on the ground. Every now and then a severed head (that doesn’t really look like the actress it came off of) will go flying and some blood will splash on the wall.

 

It’s tense. You have no idea who will be NEXT! Well, not really… You don’t really care anyway. There’s one actor who looks like a low budget Ryan Reynolds who you think might turn vaguely heroic for a minute or two (even though he inexplicably turns down the advances of Hot Goth Chick to go after Weepy, like any drunken, low-moral fiber, college guy in history has ever actually done that) but he dies boringly too.

 

There’s a lesbian shower scene, which is apparently the only reason this movie gets rented (by teenage boys) until El Charro kills them too, and the sad part is that this movie is so boring that at this point even something described as Lesbian Shower Massacre isn’t interesting. How sad is that?  

 

And if you’re trying to make a gory horror movie, you can’t just have your monster walk up to somebody who’s back is to the camera, and the monster reaches out and pulls back a handful of something red and lumpy, and the actor falls down. And then it’s supposed to be a jaw? I’ve seen Youtube zombie videos done by high schoolers on their camera phones that looked more convincing! And this was the bitchiest character in the movie! I feel so cheated…

 

Now for the big ending, SPOILER SPOILER (ahh… who am I kidding, nobody cares) Weepy prays and an angel shows up and stops El Charro so she can stab him with a crucifix. Yep. That was it. The angel showed up vaguely earlier, looking like a Highlander or something, and there was random angel wing foreshadowing, but that was just lame. And why is it that every crucifix in the movies is capable of a good stabbing? I grew up in a Catholic household. All our crucifixes were plastic. Good thing we were never attacked by El Charro, but then again, I’m not a hot bitchy lesbian, so there wasn’t much danger of that.

 

There were a couple moments of coolness, just tantalizing tidbits that show El Charro could have been great. The old timey movie slide show bits were actually way more interesting that the useless filler that made up most of this flick.

Wow, New York’s Gov didn’t pick a total communist. I’m SHOCKED.

http://wethearmed.com/index.php/topic,2125.0.html

Okay, so Hillary’s replacement is backed by the NRA and opposed by the bailout.  It looks like she’s a middle of the road Democrat. Color me surprised.

Keep in mind that this is New York we’re talking about. This is the same state that is contemplating an 18% tax on soda with sugar in it to punish fat people, because you know, government should be your mommy. When I heard that I went out and bought a 200 ounce Vanilla Coke on principle.

A bunch of prominent politicians are throwing a fit about this appointment. They were far happier with anybody who’s last name was Kennedy, qualifications be damned.

We’re entering strange times

The inauguration is finally over. Which is great, because I don’t think I could have taken much more of Obamathon ’08.  Every time I turn around, I get to hear somebody else talking about how awesome and historic this all is, even though when it gets down to the nuts and bolts of what Barack is going to actually do, his supporters still don’t have a clue.

 

But hey, we’re not racist! Yay! Look how awesome we are. We elected the most left-leaning person to the presidency ever, but at least he’s slightly browner than I am. I don’t see the big deal, because if Colin Powel had said in 1996 that he wanted to be president, he would have easily won. But whatever makes all the people on the coasts happy.

 

So how is Barack going to run the country? I don’t know, but we can probably get some clues by who he is surrounding himself by.

 

His Global Warming (sorry, since it isn’t actually warming, we’ll call it Climate Change now, so it can still be a big crisis) Czar is a card carrying member of the Socialist leadership. Literally. That’s not exaggerating. And even then, her husband is a lobbyist for big oil companies, because in typical liberal tradition, there’s no such thing as hypocrites.

 

Eric Holder was a lousy #2 to the worst Attorney General in US history, and was the architect of such Justice Department highlights as kidnapping Elian Gonzalez with a SWAT team. As the new boss of the ATF, I’m sure that will be just awesome.

 

Timothy Geithner is going to be the new Treasury Secretary, which after George Bush’s idiotic bailout nonsense is now the most powerful person in Washington. I feel extra warm and fuzzy about this because Geithner doesn’t like to pay his taxes either, but then again, I’m not the head of the IRS.  It’s okay though, because he’s apologized for not paying $34,000. I’m sure if I ‘accidentally’ didn’t pay $34,000 in taxes, the IRS will totally be cool with an apology and I’ll get a pass.  

 

Rahm Emanuael as Chief of Staff? Sure, why the heck not? This was a man so slimy that Bill Clinton found him personally distasteful. He comes from the same political machine where half of their governors from the last 50 years are either serving time, or soon will be.

 

And Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State… Well, at least she’s tougher than Barack, so when Vladimir Putin and Hugo Chavez are sexually violating the US over the next few years, she’ll totally stand up for us… unless there’s some good money to be made from Indonesian coal bribery or something.  Nope, our foreign affairs are in fine hands.

 

Yep, it is going to be fun.

 

I’ve got something like 500 channels on DirectTV.  482 of them were about Obama yesterday.  Heck, I think HGTV was remodeling the Obama’s bathroom, the Travel channel was showing pictures of shirtless Barack frolicking in the ocean, and Animal Planet was about his kid’s dogs.  Hell, Barack was on the cover of the latest issue of Spiderman. SPIDERMAN!!!!!! 

 

I said it almost two years ago. Barack Obama is the Boy Band of Politics. No substance, no real talent, no experience, but media manufactured into a phenomenon. Like all Boy Bands, he’ll lose his luster eventually. The question is, what kind of idiotic policies are we going to push before then?

 

I’ve got faith in America though. We’ve survived stupidity before, and I’m just going to hope that the wuss party, (sorry, Republicans) channel the spirit of Newt Gingrich and actually put up a fight. Either way, we’re heading for some interesting times.

Haven’t posted as much lately – 50,000 words written in January

I’ve been on a roll.  Being a semi-unemployed writer guy does have a few advantages. As of yesterday I’ve written 50,000 words of my latest novel in January. It’s amazing how much you can get done when you’ve got actual time.

For entertainment I’ve been watching the DVD for the Showtime series Dexter. I’ve got to recommend it. It’s an excellent show. Imagine a really likable serial killer who lives by a strict moral code to only kill bad people. It’s good TV.

Sadly, I’m still going to have to find a real job. I’ve been applying for different accounting jobs, but the market really sucks right now.

Obama’s latest pick is an actual communist

http://wethearmed.com/index.php/topic,1893.0.html

News article is posted at We The Armed link above.

Carol Browner isn’t just a democrat with socialist leanings. She’s an actual socialist. She belongs to socialist organizations. Not only does she belong, she’s leadership.

Now she’s going to be the person in charge of raping our energy policy.  “Climate Change” is a myth that is going to be the propaganda weapon used to bring about world government. I like how since the Earth hasn’t really been warming, it is no longer Global Warming, it is Climate Change. Whatever. Either way, it’s an excuse to destroy freedom.

So, do you have warm fuzzies yet? How’s that Hope and Change feeling for ya?

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