Movie Review: Monster Ark

I was watching Sci-Fi last week when there was a commercial for a movie where there was more than one Noah’s Ark, and one of them was EVIL.  The movie was called Monster Ark, and I admit, I geeked out.

As you know, I’m a B-movie nerd, and overall monster geek.  Heck, I’ve written 2 monster based novels now, (yes, MHI:2 THE ROUGH DRAFT is almost done).  So when I heard that commerical, the wheels started turning.  Holy crap, what an awesome idea.  Imagine what you could do with an idea like that.  An ark filled with other animals that never made it.  Man, I could write one heck of a cool story off of that idea.

So I tuned in to the Sci-Fi Original Picture Presentation of Monster Ark, and like 95% of the Sci-Fi original pictures, it was pretty lame.  You would think that by now I would have learned my lesson.  If it is a Sci-Fi original picture it’s probably gonna suck.  There will be a lame CGI monster, some propane explosions, and random nameless people will suffer CGI death, with CGI blood, at the CGI claws of the CGI monster. 

And there was just one monster.  And it sucked.  No ark full of monsters. 

As usual, the producers couldn’t find a single person who had ever actually been in the military to consult and point out that soldiers don’t shoot their rifles from the hip, while yelling incoherantly, while wearing black in the desert, and screaming things like “Stand Down!” when nobody is actually doing anything that they might actually, you know, stand down from.  Tiny Lister played a major who actually yelled “Don’t you die on me, Boy!” after yelling for somebody to stand down, so the dialog was just awesome.

None of the movie actually makes a lot of sense, and you get the feeling that they just didn’t really care when they made it.  I’ve decided that caring is what seperates Good B-Movies from Bad B-Movies.  There are two moments that are supposed to ‘homages’ to Indiana Jones, except in one scene where the rip off the Map Room At Tanis scene, they just happen to be able to pull the heads off of two shovels, stick them together (like legos!) and the staff is the right length to show them where the… heck, I can’t even remember what the hell they were looking for at this point… was. 

Overall, just keep on walking.  I was only mildly entertained, and I’ve got low standards, and I was dehydrated and sunburned from teaching pistol, and when I’m that incoherant, I’ll go for just about anything.


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