Alternate title: Attack of the Pudgy Mummy!
Now this stinker on the other hand… man… I don’t even know what to say. I did however manage to watch it in record time, because I can watch movies on 2X speed and still get sound, even though everyone sounds like Alvin and the Chipmunks. I reserve this power for especially dull movies, because otherwise I miss plot points or good scenes.
This was not a problem however, since over half of the movie is people wandering around waiting for the extremely slow mummy to attack them. People can’t just get killed by the mummy… Oh no. They have to walk around for ten minutes first, shining a flashlight randomly around and being scared by the wind, before Imho-Plump gradually sneaks up and stabs them.
Then the mummy (who was apparently an Aztec with a glandular problem) stabs people with his ceremonial knife, and it comes out clean. The Aztecs were known for their bloodless kills apparently.
See, the plot hinges on the fact that the mummy (do these bandages make me look fat? YES) is to be used by an Aztec high priest (who happens to be a 17 year old white kid) to sacrifice a virgin to Tulaloc the Rain God and this will bring about the end of the world.
So if your religion’s grand scheme for the apocalypse hinges on a sluggish mummy and a teenager, it is time to check out Cthuluism or something, because at least those guys have style. The mummy punks out after a single stab wound from our nebbish hero, demonstrating why a couple hundred of my ancestors were able to defeat several million Aztecs.
Overall, Scream of the Pudgy Mummy pretty much sucks.
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