A little bit of political ramblings

This morning I was in the family room, and my kids were watching TV.  Specifically they were watching some Disney channel show called Higgley Town Heros.  Well, I guess one of their things is that they face a challenge, they come up with some super imaginative way to solve things, that is usually crap, and they sketch it out, then somebody responsible comes along and helps them solve the problem in a sensible way.

So today, the problem was that some kid’s birthday party was going to get rained on.  So this one little blob girl sketches out her plan, which is:  Once it rains, we can find a rainbow, and then walk up it to the sky, where we can find a fluffy cloud, and have the party on top of it, and eat cloud cake, and wear fluffy clould birthday hats!  The other kids then all cheered.

 I looked at my seven year old and said, “They must be Democrats.”  She nodded sagely.

So why am I talking about Disney channel cartoons?  Because they are shockingly similar to the crap I’ve been watching on the national news all week.  Barack Obama is such a light-weight, that the only way I could see any sane person voting for him is because they despise Hillary.  Does that man actually have any positions, other than walking up rainbows to eat fluffy cloud cake? 

Also, New Hampshire is no longer allowed to have a primary.  I’ve decreed it.  You really shouldn’t have the second friggin’ primary in the whole country, and have it allow non-residents and independants vote.  Wait, you mean that there is a system that is easily manipulated, and SOMEHOW a Clinton won?  SHOCKING.

The pollsters are shocked, shocked I say!  They all prophesized Obama winning.  But the explanation I heard was that all the independant Obama supporters then figured he was a shoe-in over the Wicked Witch of the East, and went and voted for John McCain, to help him out instead. 

How the hell does that make any sense?  Why should my party’s nomination process be corrupted by people that would normally support Barack friggin’ Obama?  Because, you know, we’ve got so much in common.

I’ve complained about the Republican nominees a bunch of time, but at least ours have a couple of brain cells to rub together.  I really pity the Democrats.  You guys are epically screwed. 

I ate dinner with some friends last night.  One of them is a political analyst.  She really fears Obama, mostly because of his charisma, and the stupidity of the average voter.  She believes that he is more dangerous than Hillary (which I would agree with), and she sees him as being very electable in the general election. 

Maybe she is seeing something I’m not, but if she is right, we’re screwed.  And if we do lose, it is our own fault for running a bunch of folks that are either A. not actually Republicans.  B. the ones that are actually Republicans have no personality.  Or C.  The only honest, honorable one in the bunch couldn’t get elected to Chief Dog Catcher of Fresno County, and even then his foreign policy still would suck.

So, no more primary for New Hampshire.  I have declared it. 

Also, no Republican primary for California.  I heard some Guilliani minion the other day spouting off about how all the 4th and 5th place finishes so far are awesome, because they’re going to win the big ones, like California.

Okay… why exactly is it, that a state that has zero, as in none, fin, absolute zip chance of going Republican during the general election gets a say in who the nominee is?  Seriously?  California WILL not be a red state next election.  Hell, they elected Arnold Mr. Microstamping Schwarzenneger to be governor, supposedly as a Republican, and the other 49 viable states have to let them have an opinion? 

That’s like a bunch of friends going to the movies, deciding on which one to watch, and the one with terminal narcolepsy gets a vote.  Come on man, he’s gonna sleep through it anyway!  His vote shouldn’t count!  I don’t want to watch Brokeback Mountain II: The Revenge of Spooner’s Ghost. 

Also, we’ve not got gun companies endorsing candidates that have no problem banning guns.  So in response to Alex Robinson endorsing Mitt Romney, FBMG has decided to officially endorse Cthulu in 2008. 

This whole election season is making my brain hurt. 

17 Responses

  1. Don’t blame me. I’m voting for BATMAN in 08!*

    *For those of you without a sense of humor, it’s a joke.

  2. See, the problem the Democrats have is that all of the candidates actually have pretty much identical positions, so the only thing they can disagree on is past positions (i.e. Hillary’s support of the war) or personality. It might get interesting once the actual election season starts, but for now it’s dull as shit.

    The Republicans, by contrast, have a large field and their candidates have different opinions, but they all suck. You’ve got Romney, who will never get the Evangelical base. You’ve got Huckabee, who will never get anyone BUT the Evangelical base. You’ve got McCain, who was respectable eight years ago but has been mindlessly spouting the party line (with the exception of torture, for which I respect him) ever since, and who doesn’t appeal to anyone but old people and the more inattentive moderates. You’ve got Giuliani, who everyone hates, and you’ve got Ron Paul, who is awesome but battling with Giuliani for fourth place.

    In the end, of course, we’re basically fucked no matter who wins.

    And I want a Cthulu ’08 bumper sticker.

  3. Barack Obama is campaigning on a vague notion of “change” and “hope”. Or hopeful change. Or something. I don’t know. I’d be VERY dubious of anyone that came up in the Illinois political system. I’d bet money that he’s in SOMEbody’s pocket.

    Hillary Clinton is campaigning on the fact that her last name is “Clinton” and little else. She’s hiding what an extremist she is to get elected. She actually believes her own rhetoric, I think; I also think she’s got some kind of narcissistic, messianic delusion that she’s going to save the world.

    John Edwards has great hair. He should, for what he pays for it. The only one nuttier than him is Dennis Kucinich. He’s just another re-tread/wannabe. I don’t think he has a shot (and good!).

    Ron Paul has yet to demonstrate that he lives in the real world, which is a shame, because he really does respect the Constiution. He was talking about going back to the Gold Standard. There isn’t enough gold in North America to equate to the current market value of everyone’s assets and accounts. He said the United States hadn’t been attacked in 230-some-odd years (since the foundation of the Republic). I guess 9/11, Pearl Harbor, and when the British burned the White House to the ground during the War of 1812 don’t count.

    We need about twenty Rons Paul in the Senate and another hundred in the House, where they could do some good. As President, though, he won’t be able to do anything except veto stuff, because he has no support anywhere in Congress. There might be some political advantage to picking Dr. Paul as a Vice President. Maybe.

    Rudy Guiliani isn’t really a conservative of any sort. Well, he’s conservative for someone that can get elected in New York City, but he’d be too liberal to be a Democrat out west. Some of his foreign policy ideas are okay, but little else is.

    Fred Thompson has some good positions and has been completely comatose during most of his supposed campaign. He woke up a bit and went on the offensive during this last debate, but it might be too little too late. I’m all for his “Punch the Hippies, Kill the Terrorists” campaign, though.

    Mitt Romney is a swell guy, to quote the local talking heads. He seems plastic and fake to a lot of people, but I think those people are unfamiliar with the “Gosh-golly, hi there!” mentality of much of the LDS culture here in Utah. It…takes some getting used to. Plus, being the CEO of a company, Gov. Romney is used to putting on the “company face” when doing business.

    I don’t think he’s a bad guy, and he’s got some business sense, that’s for sure. He made $200 Million off of the sport of CURLING, for crying out loud! (Or so I heard.) Unfortunately, he’s really more of a sane, conservative Democrat than an actual Republican. (Those kinds of Democrats are out there, they’re just harder to find.) I’m not at all convinced he’d do anything but happily sign the next “Assault” Weapons Ban, should it come to his desk.

    Oh, and what the hell kind of name is “Mitt”? Is that short for, like, Mittley? Mitthew? Mittens?

    Mike Huckabee is…well, he’s kind of a D-bag. His record really isn’t that great; he can make all of the stupid Air Force puns he wants, it doesn’t change his past voting record on things like taxes, illegal immigration, etc.

    I’m all for his plan to get rid of the income tax and abolish the IRS. Except…who else is on board, Gov. Huckabee? Any Senators? Got a plan? Until he starts answering those questions, it’s just a bunch of empty promises and hot air, because he can’t do anything like that unless he gets it through Congress.

    John McCain…really? Again? I have nothing but respect for him as a man. He’s a genuine American hero, and he comes from a family of Naval Officers.

    As a politician, though, he’s not interested in securing the border. He’s not concerned with the 1st Amendment (McCain-Feingold anyone?).

    And that’s the roundup. Cthulu gets my support. We should take out a Cthulu ’08 radio ad for giggles.

  4. I figured it out. “Mitt” is actually an acronym, M.I.T.T., like K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider.

    Oh, did everyone here? Dennis Kucinich is challenging the results of the New Hamshire primaries, demanding a recount.

    It begins again! (This is where we play the Benny Hill theme song and all of the candidates chase each other around in fast motion. John Edwards is in drag, and Bill Clinton shows up chasing a woman in a skimpy maid outfit.)

  5. Oh for crying out lout. I meant “hear” not “here”. I’ve been out of skool too long. I don’t know nothin’ no more.

  6. I know who I would support if he was more than a CGI animation. Max! His gun control policy is, “They’ll get my gun from me when they pry it from my cold, dead, fluffy, white paw.” His daily carry is a supersized Luger P08. How can that guy be a bad president?

    Maxforpresident.org

    (On a side note, I agree with your summary of the Republican candidates. Make that all of the cadidates. I have no idea what’s going to happen, but I expect the worst.

  7. Technically, New Hampshire had the first primary. Iowa was a caucus vote, which is not binding on the delegates.

    Who is Cthulu? I’m so confused.

  8. Cthulu is great priest of the Great Old Ones who lived ages before there were any men, and who came to this young world out of the sky.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cthulu

    No, thank YOU, Wikipedia!

  9. So, if Cthulhu gets the general election nod, who’s going to be his running mate?

  10. Hastur Hastur Hastur!

    AIEEEEEE!

  11. +1 on Max for prez. Sam would be a calming VP.

  12. “We need about twenty Rons Paul in the Senate and another hundred in the House, where they could do some good”

    That’s very true. Even if he went third party, I’d not be able to support him, even if his foreign policy could be forgiven. That right there though should be what we focus on.

  13. Let’s not forget the Bush administration going once more to bat for HCI and Feinstein. First it was the AWB sunset, which he promised to extend. Now it’s defending DC’s gun ban.

    BOHICA, folks. Either we get a real conservative, or we’re doomed.

  14. Yeah, the state of the world has me pretty depressed. Even your funny, funny book didn’t do much to cheer me up.

    I have seen the future, and it is all painted s*** brown.

  15. BTW: This is the Albuquerque Ogre

  16. I want a Cthulhu t-shirt.
    Obama is an empty suit to me. He talks a lot, a hellova lot, but says absolutely nothing. The only people I know that support them are as dillusional as him. Or are voting for him simply because he is black. The same reason why people vote for Clinton…it’s because she’s a woman(believe it or not).

    It’s sad and incredibly stupid, but true.

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