I love this time of year. Halloween is my favorite holiday. Sure, other holidays are fun and all, but Halloween is the best. You can dress like an idiot, eat absurd amounts of sugar, and it is the one time of the year where everybody else has to respect my taste in movies.
I’ve never been an imaginative type when it comes to costumes. This year I wore a toga bottom, no shirt, a sword, and a big red cape. I was a Spartan. See, when you’re an enormous, hairy man, being shirtless in public is automatically funny. When I went to the FBMG Halloween party, I walked in, screamed “This is not madness! THIS IS UTAH!” and kicked one of the other guests in the chest. It really made me want to have a bottomless pit installed in the gun store.
And no, there are no pictures. I had them destroyed in case I ever decide to run for office. We did get pictures of the best costume, which was a full on Bender from Futurama suit worn by Nick the Intern. I’ll have to get copies of that to post. It was pretty sweet.
I still have my corporate day job (part time, just in the mornings) for another month. I’m acting as kind of a consultant, as I’m training my own replacement. In the afternoon I head over to the gun store for the rest of the day. Let me tell you, it is rather liberating to be at your corporate job, but being past the point of caring what anyone thinks. For the Halloween party there last week, I wore my OD TRUs, balaclava, and Level IV body armor. Which, considering what I do for a living now, isn’t really a costume, but it was fun to rattle the liberals.
“Ooohh… that’s scary… I hope you don’t come and shoot up the place…” or some variant was uttered by every candy-ass wimp there. Why do people that are inherently pathetic think that is funny? There’s all of these douche bags in the corporate world that think people like me are just waiting to go postal. Why? Because I like guns? Doofuses. Why should they worry? They’ve got a NO GUNS policy, because we all know that will ward off evil. (roll eyes painfully) But that is the beauty of being in your last month of corporate servitude before moving on to fulltime self employment, you can just look at them and say “Ha ha. That’s funny… (then turn all serious) But, bitch, if you ever see me walk in here looking like this, on any day other than Halloween… run.”
My kids love Halloween, partly for the absurd quantity of sugar, partly because they get to dress up. I’ve got multiple little girls, and we’re slowly weaning them away from dressing as some sort of princess every year. BARF. Princess? This is Halloween, damn it. No, it is not an excuse to wear a poofy dress and a tiara, damn you Disney channel, damn you straight to hell. At least this year I got them to dress as vampire princesses, so it was kind of a trade off, but definitely a step in the right direction.
My kids also know that I’m a B-Movie geek, and this is the time of year that I make efforts to find movies that they can watch with me. This week, it was Gremlins, good old fashioned puppet based mayhem, and fun for the whole family. And it warms the cockles of my heart to hear my 7 year old say “Well, that wouldn’t happen here. That’s what shotguns are for.” Good girl. And even though I first saw this movie when I was like ten, I still love the scene with the mom takes out three of the little bastards with a blender, a butcher knife, and a microwave. Ahh… good times.
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